Original subtitles

[bell dings]

[dramatic music]

Are you ready to make-a me some pizzas?

-Whoo! Yeah! -Yeah!

[Domenico] Ready?

Set.

Begin!

Do you believe this asshole?

That was me.

I come to America, and two weeks in this country,

I got cast on an MTV reality show.

I made women shove meatballs in their mouths.

I made them suck the cream out of cannolis

and spit it into a jar.

Their parents too.

I was offensive to my culture,

and I was a dick to women.

But who cares? I was famous!

People threw money at me

just to show up at their parties

and act like an idiot,

and women wanted to ride me like a Vespa scooter.

I was on top of the world.

But just like that, it was all over.

No more parties. No more TV shows.

No more women riding me like a Vespa scooter.

But it's okay.

I don't do this reality stuff no more.

I'm not interested in putting myself

in strange vaginas.

I'm ready to love and to be loved.

But it's impossible to meet women now.

Look at them!

They keep staring at their cell phones

and computers and shit,

and they don't look at the world around them

so they can see a semi-good-looking Italian guy

who wants to talk to them.

This is very sad for me,

for my heart,

and for my balls.

Is that for here or to go?

To go, please.

[Battles' "Ice Cream"]

[rock music]

♪

Why does nobody want to love me?

[man singing indistinctly]

♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose ♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose ♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose ♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪

♪ Simple, yes, my friend

-Who are you? -I'm Julie.

I'm Julie Spira.

I'm a digital matchmaker

and an online dating expert,

and I'm going to help you find love online.

What kind of picture should I take to have people

that are gonna be interested in me?

Okay, first of all,

you should post three to five photos.

That's my magic number. No more, no less.

Less, people think you're hiding something.

Maybe you're fat and you're not showing your whole body.

People want to see full-length shots.

Your primary shot just needs to be a close-up.

Should I hold my belly in or...

You shouldn't wear a T-shirt that says "sex"...

-Oh, that's a friend of mine. -Okay, on your profile.

Yeah, no. Not a good idea.

Okay. So this is because

then I'm gonna give the wrong impression.

Well, then they're gonna think you're on the wrong site.

-Makes sense. -Okay.

So let me show-- these are the pictures

that I'm actually having.

-Let's see. -Okay.

I'm not technological.

Okay.

Right here.

It's...

And loading.

Still loading.

I just renew the contract with Sprint.

They locked me for another two years,

and I never get reception,

so if I'm about to die and I have to call 911,

I will die 'cause of Sprint.

Um...

-These are the pictures. -Okay.

I actually have five on this.

Oh, my gosh. No way.

-That's my side. -Oh, no, no, no.

And that's a very sexual-- I used, like, 75 filters

to make me look unbelievable.

I mean, I would wonder, like, how many piercings you have

and if there's an ax in your back pocket.

You are not putting that as a primary photo.

-That is my primary photo now. -That's your primary photo?

-It is. -You got to be kidding.

No, no. That's a primary photo.

You got to change it. Show me the next picture.

So this is in a T-shirt.

I just went to the Rolling Stone concert.

Oh, I loved the Rolling Stones concert.

I went too. Wasn't that great? It's a selfie.

I would crop it so we don't really see the bed so much

and it's more you, because you're wearing a tongue,

and there's a bed in the background.

It's very sexual.

Which I usually wear, like, not really tongues

but, like, very tight underwear.

-Okay. Next picture. -Oh, let me see this.

And here I'd actually wrote, "I just bought my first jet."

That was the thing that I wrote.

-Yeah, but then you're lying. -Yes, I am.

Definitely lying 'cause it was, like, $50 million.

Well, you can't lie and say, "I bought the jet,"

because a woman's gonna think you really have the jet,

and it's like, a guy that stands

in front of a Ferrari on his profile photos,

it's usually his neighbor's car.

-Yeah, that makes sense. -Women are hip to that.

No. You can't use that.

And then it's me drinking wine.

Huge passion, as Italian, for wine,

and that's a very sexy face that I'm doing while I'm enjoying.

-It's very sexy face. -Deep. It's a deep face.

Like the wine that I'm drinking.

I love this photo.

This photo is an absolute yes.

[men singing in Italian]

-Who are you? -My name is Dr. Andrea Kasper.

I have a recent PhD in sociology from UCLA,

and I have an online radio show called

"Get Together with Dr. Andrea Kasper."

Oh, I see.

Is online dating just for people

who wants to fuck right away?

Because this is not what I'm looking for.

I mean, of course I want to fuck,

but I would love to have, like,

a nice romantic dinner first.

Something not too expensive, obviously.

$30, $40 per person,

with gratuity.

I think that individuals need to think

about how they want to comport themselves

in a different way sexually.

If someone is only interested in sexual relationship

and you're not, maybe it's appropriate

to have a conversation with her

about what she's interested in and what you're interested in.

So should I introduce myself to these women and say,

"When you want to fuck?"

And if they say, "Right away," then I know

that they're not the right girls for me.

I would prefer if you didn't use profanity with me.

Should I use, like, technical words?

-No. Just use, like-- -Scientific words?

No, like--no, you can just say "have sex with."

-Technical words. -No. "Have sex with" is fine.

-Like "intercourse," perhaps? -No, "have sex with" is fine.

-Okay. -It's fine. I just--

I don't want to use profanity,

because I'm a professional, so...

I won't.

Let's say I go online and I see this woman

and like her a lot and when I meet her, she has funny eyes.

One eye goes this way.

The other eye goes the other way.

What should I do in this case?

Should I split my time equally

and look at one eye at a time,

or I should I just look in the middle?

My research doesn't focus on that,

so I think I would really like it

if you would just stick

to what's relevant to this, okay?

So there are a lot of websites out there.

Which one do you think is the right website for me?

Well, I think it depends on what you're going for.

I mean, there are sites that cater to every individual.

There are sites that cater to people who like salads,

who like hot sauce,

and there are sites that cater to every niche.

There are also sites that cater

to different demographic groups--

Jewish people, Christian people, African-American people.

So there's sites for everybody, really.

It just sort of depends on what you're looking for.

So do you think if I go online,

am I gonna be successful to find love?

-I can't answer that question. -Do you find me attractive?

N--that's not an appropriate question.

I'm not here to-- it's an inappropriate question.

I mean, as a human being,

do you think I'm a good-looking guy?

Listen, I'm an online dating expert.

I can't assess you physically.

I'm not. You're saying I'm not.

No. No, I'm not gonna answer that question.

-Are you single, perhaps? -Again, irrelevant.

Well, I really want to thank you, Doctor,

for having me here today.

I really learned a lot.

So thank you so much for having me.

Ask me the next question.

"What kind of pubic hair do you prefer on your partner?"

Human. Next question.

"How much time do you spend masturbating?"

Weekdays or weekends?

-It doesn't say. -Next question.

"If a clone was made of you, would you sleep with it?"

Wait, do you mean a clone of me with a pussy?

It doesn't say.

I mean, with a pussy, yes.

Without a pussy, yes.

-[keyboard keys clacking] -Okay.

"Under the right circumstances,

would you allow a partner to lick your anus?"

Is this a real question?

It's--that's what it says.

It's disgusting.

I mean, of course yes, but don't say yes.

Otherwise I'm just gonna get nasty girls

who takes, like, penicillin all the time.

Say no.

[keyboard keys clacking]

[computer beeps]

-Someone is contacting you. -Already?

That's amazing.

"Hello. I saw your profile.

"Would you be interested in getting together sometime?

Smiley face. Carolyn."

She's cute.

Good thing I didn't say I like my butt to be licked.

[jazzy music]

-How's everything going? -[Carolyn] Good. How are you?

You look very nice, by the way.

-Thank you. -I see. I see.

-Do I look like you expected? -Yeah.

Well, you look pretty much

-like your picture. -Yeah.

Have you ever dated an Italian before?

Like, have you been going out with an Italian, or...

No. No. I've been to Italy, though.

So what made you go online?

One of my friends was telling me about it.

You know, I was bored one night, and I was like,

"I'm just gonna try this," and then, you know,

it's kind of-- it feels kind of like a game,

and then you're like, "Wait, this is actually--

I could actually meet people this way."

By the way, would you like to eat something?

-Yeah. -What do you want to eat?

That pizza smells good.

So you have some sauce in your teeth.

-Do I? -Yeah.

A little bit. No, I'm kidding.

Oh, I hate you. Oh, my God, you're the worst.

Did you ever sleep with anybody that you met online?

Um, I mean,

I think--I think by meeting people online,

then you can, you know, find people to date

and start relationships.

So yes. The answer would be yes.

So you slept already with somebody?

-I'm not gonna be the first? -From online, yes.

No, like, you're not the first person.

So you're already actually acknowledging

that we're gonna sleep together?

-[Sarah] Hello. -Hi. How are you?

I'm good.

-Oh, this is-- -Let me.

It's hard to get out of there.

-No, this... -[laughing]

It's okay.

Mwah. Domenico. Nice meeting you.

Aww, nice to meet you.

Take me forever to-- I'm out of breath.

It's a workout.

-I know. -[laughing]

-You look beautiful. -Oh, thank you so much.

Like, in person, you look-- honestly.

Oh, that's so nice of you.

Honestly, you look way better in person than in the picture.

-You're very kind. -You like me already?

-[laughs] Of course. -Yeah?

You're Italian. How could I not like you?

-Where are you from? -I'm actually Italian as well.

-What? -Only just--just a tiny bit.

-Only 25%. -Okay.

-25% is from where in Italy? -Yeah.

My family's from Calabria.

What? That's where my family's from.

-No way. -Yes.

-Really? -Maybe we're cousins

and we don't know.

[laughing] I know.

-Well, my last name is Spaniolo. -Spaniolo?

-Uh-huh. -Spagnola?

Spaniolo. And so--

You don't want to know what "spagnola,"

-in slang, means. -What is it? Oh.

You really don't want to know what "spagnola" means.

-Oh, no. Is it derogatory? -No. Spagnola.

You really want to know what "spagnola" means?

-I do. -Are you sure?

-This is Italian slang. -Okay.

"Spagnola" means when you take your penis and you

-put it into a woman's boobs. -Oh.

You go up and down, up and down.

Who are you?

Oh, that's such a blunt question.

David Wygant. 15 years of doing this--

teaching men how to be men, 'cause most men

walk around with no balls, scared to death

to approach or talk to a woman

or flirt with a woman or claim a woman,

and then I teach women how to be claimed,

because basically we're just cavemen and cavewomen, right?

We're a man. You want to go. You want to take a woman,

pull her by the hair, pull her into your man cave,

and do what you want with it,

and women want to do the same thing back.

Well, men don't know how to be men.

So I teach men how to understand

and navigate the scope of dating

so they're able to be successful with women

no matter what they choose.

So I can technically pull a woman's hair in my house

without getting arrested?

Absolutely. Well, you know, the--

Come on. How many women you been with?

They love the hair pulled,

or they like to be choked

or their butt slapped, right?

I mean, what is it nowadays? You know why?

Because women want their hair pulled

and they want to be choked

because most men aren't dominant enough.

What do you think I should do on the first date?

Where should I take her?

I'm simple on a first date, okay?

First off, like, I'm not a bankroll.

I'm not feeding you. This isn't "feed the homeless."

Most guys kind of wine and dine,

and the fact of the matter, especially online,

let's face the fact, she's got eight pictures up, right?

If you're attracted to the ugliest version

of those eight pictures,

that's what she probably looks like.

So she's not gonna be exactly what I think

-that she's gonna be? -No, no, no.

I call it the mental masturbation.

You know, all of a sudden, you see her pictures

and then she's really hot,

and then there's always one picture there

and you say to yourself, "Fuck, man.

I hope she doesn't look like that picture."

That's what she looks like.

So you want to take her somewhere cheap.

Otherwise you're bankrolling all these bad Internet dates.

So what if I go to the date

and she's actually extremely ugly?

What should I do?

Should I stay 20 minutes to be nice,

or should I leave right away?

No, you got to network for--

you got to network for pussy.

Okay, this is where most guys

make the biggest mistake in the entire world.

She knows she's extremely ugly. Well, then again,

every woman thinks they have good-looking friends,

so she doesn't know she's ugly.

What I do is, I'm really nice.

I mean, I've had train wrecks.

I remember one time I was dating,

and this woman starts--I was in Brentwood sitting at a cafe,

and this woman with a limp starts limping towards me,

like--like--almost like-- you know, almost like--

like she had, like-- like, a--like, a--

like, a crowbar in her ass

that was fucking on fire, you know?

She all of a sudden-- and I look, and I go,

"Oh, my God, the ugliest picture

worse than I've ever imagined."

She goes, "David?" And I almost felt like going, "Who? Who?"

You know, just joking around.

I gave her an hour and a half of my time

'cause for one, I realized she's a human being, okay?

I gave her an hour and a half, and I was really sweet.

Really nice to her, you know?

And at the end, I looked at her, and I said,

"You know what? You're an awesome woman.

I just don't feel the chemistry."

Three weeks later, I was shopping in Whole Foods.

She was there.

She had the most gorgeous friend.

I walked over to her and gave her a big hug,

and I went out with her friend.

-Unbelievable. -You got to do that.

'Cause you never know what's gonna happen

down the road, and most guys, unfortunately,

they're always looking-- they're--

they're always looking with their dick at that moment,

and to me, I look at women as, like, a stock portfolio.

It's like a pussy portfolio.

It's like, it doesn't matter what you meet today.

It's how big is your pussy portfolio?

Sometimes it's gonna pay off in the future.

So should we make an actual pussy portfolio at home?

Yeah. You can make a pussy portfolio.

-Yeah. Absolutely. -To keep track.

I mean, the Jewish women are fun.

I mean, you get a Jewish woman over 35,

and she becomes your whore.

-Jewish woman? -Yeah.

Jewish people are very serious, like Catholic women.

Jewish women are the ones that you can--

They want their hair pulled. They want to be choked.

They want you to jerk off on their face.

You know, they're, like, the dirtiest women

-in the entire world. -Unbelievable.

Because they have, like, this sexual freedom.

You got to read.

What I always say, look at the pictures first.

Always pick the-- if you're still attracted

to the ugly version of her on the ugliest picture,

imagine that's what she is.

Avoid women that are out there

partying with their friends, drinking,

'cause you're gonna get the dumb party girl,

the one that becomes psychotic in bed.

So avoid women that have alcoholic beverages

in their pictures, right? So you can eliminate them.

Secondly, you want to get rid of the "Hey, scumbag" woman.

-"Hey, scumbag?" -Yeah.

She's the "Hey, scumbag" profile.

She'll write this. She'll list something.

"Hey, scumbag, if you're one of those guys

"that are married, don't contact me.

If you're one of those guys," you know,

"that don't want a relationship, don't contact me.

"If you're one of those guys that don't want to have kids

and a minivan in two years, don't contact me."

And women will write that.

That's the "Hey, scumbag" profile.

So that's the woman that you basically want to contact

and just fuck her and just be the scumbag

just to her, because she deserves it.

'Cause she needs to be punished for that.

Absolutely she needs to be punished.

She's a bitch. You've got another profile too.

You got the woman that's basically lining you up

as Daddy right away.

Usually they're, like, 34 to 42.

"I'm at a stage in my life right now

where I can't waste any more time."

Basically she's telling you, "My eggs are cooking.

"They're in the oven right now. I want kids.

"I want to meet a man, and I want to throw him in a minivan

and de-ball him immediately,"

and she just wants the guy that's just gonna, like,

deliver that fucking sperm.

It's, like, almost like, you know, "Hey, knock, knock."

"Who's there?" "Sperm." You know.

And then you got the single mother who will write,

"I don't have time to date." Those are my favorite.

The "I don't have time to date" profiles.

What the fuck are you doing online?

You don't have time to date? What are you doing here?

-Makes sense. -"I don't have time to date.

I thought I'd give it a try."

And that leads to that next profile,

the "I'm embarrassed to be on here" profile.

So that's my favorite person. "I can't believe I'm on here."

So then I'll write back to them, like, "I can't believe

"I'm on here, either. It's so ridiculous.

"I'm so embarrassed. We could tell people

we met somewhere else. It's our secret," you know?

It's like, some secret.

I've already sent the link to 500 of my friends

telling them I'm gonna go bang you tonight.

I joined one or two more websites today.

Pasta Roni.

-Maybe three. -No, no. The other one.

-Fine. Four. -Did you do Tinder?

-What is Tinder? -Give me your phone.

Hamburger Helper.

[mellow music]

♪

You see a picture of a girl.

If you like her, you swipe right.

If you don't like, you swipe left.

Oh, it's like a game. I like this.

Only swipe right the ones you like.

Why limit myself?

This is amazing.

It's like swiping vaginas!

[ululating]

[cheerful music]

[ululating continues]

♪

[ululating continues]

♪

[ululating continues]

[straining]

[ululating]

[ululating slowly]

♪

Now, I know you said "Blair" on,

you know, the Tinder

when I met you, like, while I was flipping.

-Yeah. Right. -What's your actual name?

-Blair. -Blair is a name?

-Like, a female name? -Yeah. Well, it's both.

It's both. It's a unisex name.

'Cause I thought it was, like-- like, a nickname or something.

-No. It's my real name. -So when was the last time

you went on a date with somebody online?

-Yesterday. -What? Yesterday?

It was just coffee. No wine involved.

Who's this guy?

-You don't know him. -No, I know.

Meaning, like, where did you meet him,

-on OkCupid or on Tinder? -Yeah.

-Uh-huh. OkCupid. -Did you make out?

-No. -Why not?

It was a coffee date. I don't make out on first dates.

Do you feel comfortable right now with me?

-Yeah, I'm fine. -Yeah? Fine or still a little...

-I'm good. -Yeah?

I mean, I don't know you, so it's not, like...

But usually they say that, you know,

at the beginning when you meet somebody,

within the first, like, 30 seconds, you know already

if you want to go out with somebody or not.

-Oh. -What can you tell after,

you know, this long

that we've been talking to each other?

I feel like I'm a little more conservative than you.

Yeah?

Could it be a problem, or...

Maybe.

So based on that, would you go out

on a second date with me, or...

Um, still thinking about it.

Why are you thinking about it?

[Blair] Um...

'Cause I don't know if we're, like, totally compatible.

It would be a free date. You don't have to pay for it.

I'm taking care of the wine.

Yeah, but I can't go out with someone just for free wine.

Why would you say we're not compatible?

I think we're very compatible.

-Really? -Yeah.

How?

I'm a man, and you're a woman.

[Blair laughs] And that's it?

Pretty much.

Then you--that basically means

you're compatible with anyone.

You sure you like me? You don't like me, don't you?

-Yeah, you're nice. -Yeah?

Should I give you a call, like-- when should I call you?

Whenever you feel like you want to call.

What about in an hour?

[Domenico] Am I your type?

Like, a lot, or...

-Um, I don't really have a type. -Yeah.

Yeah, but I like you. You seem like you're fun.

-Yeah? -Yeah. You seem fun.

-Can I have a hug? -Sure.

All right. It was nice seeing you.

It was a nice kiss.

It was a nice one. Can I have another one?

-No. -Fine.

-Ciao, Domenico. -Hi. How are you? Ciao.

[speaking Italian] How it's going?

That's as far as my Italian goes.

[Domenico] Like, am I the first guy

that you go out from Italy, or...

I did--I did, um...

date a guy from Torino for a long time.

-Torino? Really? -Mm-hmm.

Oh. For how long have you been dating this guy from Torino?

I was with him for two years.

But this is the-- this is the number one rule.

You're not supposed to talk about exes on dates.

-Yeah? -Mm-mm.

'Cause he ended up no good, or...

Well, it's just-- it's just a rule.

You're telling me you're an experienced dater, like--

Not excessively.

I don't like it to take over, you know,

other priorities like work and things like that.

I don't like to really-- you know, I've got a few hobbies

that I devote time to. It's not just...

-Like what? -I do a bit of stand-up comedy.

-You're a funny girl? -I try to be, yes. I try to be.

Very nice. Do you want to tell me a joke?

Oh, jeez.

I can tell you a joke, but that's not my joke.

No. They're all rude.

-Let me try to think of-- -Who cares? Tell me the joke.

I'll tell you a rude joke? Okay.

-Yes. -All right.

I learnt one the other day from my mechanic.

What happened to the penguin whose car broke down?

That is a very good question.

He went to the mechanic, and the mechanic said,

"Looks like you blew a seal."

And the penguin said,

"Listen, you leave my sexual preferences out of this."

The seal like the animal?

[laughs] That's funny.

Thank you.

Did you meet anybody, like, crazy, like...

Oh, I've met so many crazies. You're not even...

Anybody that tried to rape you on the first date or something?

No. Nothing like that,

but just different kinds of crazy.

Okay, something you need to know about me:

I'm really, really, really into true crime.

-True crime? -Yeah.

-Like, you would kill somebody? -No, no, no. [laughs]

-So you love murders? -Yeah, I love murders.

Just putting it out there now.

Do you actually wait for the next murder to come up?

Kind of.

-Really? -Yeah.

Like, I don't wait for it,

but if the new one comes up,

the new big trial, I follow it.

-I see. -Mm.

So...

-Yes. -I have something to say...

-What? -That is very bad.

-What? -Basically I have to pee

so bad that it's insane.

Go on. Off you go.

No, because I know this park very well,

and probably, like, the closest toilet

is, like, half of a mile away.

-Okay. -Is it bad that I have to pee?

No.

-So... -You'll forgive me if I go?

I want to thank you for coming today.

Um, I love it. I love it.

That is the best out line I've ever heard.

What do you mean? I really have to pee.

-[laughs] -I promise.

-Do you want to come with me? -No, it's fine.

No, like, you see that I get inside and you can hear it.

That's fine. I'll be all right.

-Yeah? -I'll be good. Yeah.

It was really nice seeing you.

-It was great to meet you. -Do you want to see me again?

[inhales sharply]

We've talked about exes, all right?

We've talked about rape.

We've talked about murder.

And now you've got to piss.

So...

I think that's pretty good.

[Domenico] How long did you spend in Afghanistan?

-[Erin] Two years. -[Domenico] How many years?

-Two years. -Two years.

Now, what happened in Afghanistan?

Don't tell me you were single for two years in Afghanistan.

No. Well, here's the thing.

I only dated one Afghan guy.

An enemy? You date an enemy?

-I dated a terrorist. [laughs] -You dated--for real?

Really Taliban?

You dated the enemy of the United States.

-Yeah. Briefly. -This is scaring me.

Do I have to call the CIA?

I'm on their list already.

[Natalie] You know, I hate when they put movies out there

where the nanny hooks up with the husband

because there's always that stigma.

I think I've missed out on a lot of jobs

because the wives for some reason

-feel threatened. -Jealous of you?

But I don't nanny with makeup on.

I show up in, like, sweatpants and a T-shirt.

Like, I'm very, you know, just, you know--

but the husbands won't look me in the eye, like, ever.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Do you think that they masturbate

-when they think about you? -Okay. Wow.

No, like, you know, they go in the toilet

because you're there with the kids.

I'd rather not think about that.

-[Domenico] Hi. -[Jamie] Hi. Nice to meet you.

[Domenico] Mwah. Mwah.

-Please, welcome on board. -Okay. Thank you.

This is nice.

-Is this your boat? -No. This is not.

I actually don't know who owns the boat, but I saw it.

Like, I come in from the street, and I said,

"I think that would be a nice place to actually go on a date."

-So this isn't your boat? -It's not my boat.

Don't you think that's kind of weird

to use someone else's boat?

No, this is--the gate was open,

so I figure, you know, if it's the gate open,

it's open to everybody, and it's nice.

This is a beautiful lake, and...

-It's very muddy. -Okay.

Don't worry, I'm not one of those people

that are gonna literally take you, like,

in the middle of the lake right there

where that boat is and then murder you

and put you underneath

'cause nobody will ever find you anyway.

Just saying, in general. I'm not one of those people.

There are people like that.

-Okay, um... -Yeah.

Well, let's start over. I'm Jamie.

-Domenico, again. -Nice to meet you.

I have my cell phone on me, so if you try and, you know,

take me away on the boat, I'll call someone.

No, I would never do that.

I mean, for just getting to know you

a little bit more, obviously, and I decided,

you know, let's have, like, some aperitif and eat something.

So I brought a bottle of wine...

some napkins.

I got--hopefully you like it.

It's soppressata and Asiago cheese.

This is Italian. It's really good for aperitif.

And then I got the wine.

Why would you bring this?

It's aperitif time in Italy.

Aperitif? You have a little cheese,

a little meat, and then a little wine.

I told you that I was a vegan, though.

It says it on my profile.

Vegan, it means you like vegetables too.

I didn't bring any vegetables today.

No. Vegan means that I don't like meat.

This right here is murder.

Isn't a vegan, like, vegetarian?

-Like, you like vegetables? -No.

This means I don't eat meat.

That's not right.

That's just wrong.

I have another one.

This, I'll keep it close so I can eat.

You brought two of them?

I had two because I didn't know how much we were gonna eat.

That is ridiculous that you would do that.

So let's do this, then.

What about cheese? Cheese is no meat.

No! Vegans don't eat cheese either.

Maybe this is a language barrier.

Vegan means that you don't eat meat and don't eat cheese or--

nothing that comes from animals,

'cause it's not right.

-Not even the milk? -No.

They need to release the milk.

-It's not something that you-- -No.

These animals, they have milk that--

Otherwise they blow up because they have too much milk.

No, it doesn't work that way.

They're forced to, like, make milk in the factory.

It doesn't work that way.

The problem is unfortunately--

Just let me ask you a question.

How long has it been

since you've been with someone?

Like, actually dated someone?

-Three years or more. -Okay.

I think the problem is, is that you don't listen

to what the other person is saying.

Like, you should know not to bring that.

I grew up in, like, in the south of Italy,

where people just go with meat

and actually, we kill the pigs, and then we roast

while they're still bleeding.

That's--that's, like, an Italian tradition

over the 15th of August, which is Saint Mary's Day.

On Saint Mary's Day, you get the beer,

you put it in the river, like, so--they keep it cold,

and then literally you grow a pig for three months,

you feed him until he blows,

and then you release it in the forest.

With your friends, you go and catch it,

and then you stab it under the throat,

and so it walks a little bit,

and then it's very sad in a way, but it's good.

Stop. I don't want to hear about that.

-That's awful. -Okay, okay.

So I'll open the wine in one second.

I was noticing that I didn't bring any--I forgot glasses

'cause when I went in the grocery--

Just put that away. Put it away.

-I'll just keep it on the side. -Yeah. That's disgusting.

Just keep it right here so you don't see it.

-You like cupcakes? -I'm good.

-I'll have some of the wine. -No glasses. It's okay?

They didn't sell that at the store when I went because--

I'm not putting my mouth on the same thing

your mouth has been on. I don't even know you.

That's weird.

So I guess you keep the bottle and drink

and I just--

and I eat the cheese.

Can we just talk about something else?

And could you not eat that in front of me?

-I'll take this and put it-- -No.

-No, I put it back in the-- -Put it in the bag.

Let me see if I can put it in there.

Excuse, my shoe is, uh...

Seriously?

I just...

You're seriously gonna do that?

That is so fucked up. I'm not even gonna--no.

No, no, no, no, no. I was trying to--no, no.

I promise. I pro--

-No. You're-- -I spit it.

-That is fucking disgusting. -I spit it out.

-You are disgusting. -I spit the thing out.

I thought I could took a quick bite and then--

-No. -No, I promise I will

-never take another bite. -No, seriously,

you're just-- you're creeping me out now.

-No more bites. -Stay away from me.

You're creeping me out. No. -No more bites.

-No more bites. -Just stay away from me.

We're done. That's it.

-No more bites. -We're done.

[lively string music]

♪

[Domenico] So why did you actually

add a profile on the website?

'Cause for me to meet new people

and have different kinds of lover is,

like, kind of traveling in some way.

-You love new people? -I love new people.

How many new people do you love a week?

Uh...

Do you sleep with a lot of men?

I do. I like men.

I like women too.

Women? Oh, you go both ways?

Really? Indian bisexual?

[both laughing]

Do you spank them?

-That too. -You spank people?

[laughs]

Oh.

You're a naughty little Indian.

[laughs]

So how long does it take, by the way,

to be spanked from you? Let's say--do I have--

is there, like, a waiting list that I have to wait?

-I could spank you right now. -But am I--here's the--

but when do you--

Do you want to spank me?

Ahh!

This is very interesting.

Very, very, very in--

You're welcome.

I like blood too.

What do you mean, you like blood?

-Like, to drink blood or-- -Yeah.

What kind of blood?

Human blood.

Maybe I'm crazy. [laughs]

Damn it, because I'm looking for a relationship.

Yeah. So what do you understand that as?

Like, I like romantic stuff.

I like, you know, sometimes to have a candlelight dinner

where, you know, I cook for my woman,

and then we have a candlelight like this,

and then between a glass of wine

and another, we...

we kiss each other passionately, you know?

Do a vacation. I would love to horseback ride with you,

perhaps in the beach in India,

all the Indian kids following us

while we are on the horse on the beach,

asking for money, perhaps.

You know, it would be nice.

That is, you know, what I'm looking.

Oh. That's sweet.

Yeah.

It's--it's important, you know?

Who are you?

I'm Mare Simone,

and I'm a love and intimacy coach.

'Cause I--you know, I heard that you do tantra.

-Mm-hmm. -Isn't tantra, like,

a fancy word for butt stuff?

-For butt stuff? -Si.

Um, you know, it includes all parts of the body.

Every part is included.

We call it the base chakra. You're talking about butt stuff.

Si.

Tantra includes all seven chakras,

your whole being.

Is it true that there is a female orgasm?

Many types of female orgasms.

What's--because--

Well, how many orgasms do females have?

Like, what kind of orgasm?

'Cause usually, you know, I know you put it inside,

then you do, like, few minutes.

If she's not happy, that's okay.

But--and that is orgasm.

It's not quite like that. Here's the beautiful thing.

When you learn to internalize the orgasm,

every orgasm energizes you,

and you can have many,

and after an hour or two of having pleasure like that,

you feel like you can take on the world.

-This is without releasing? -Yes. Without releasing.

That's what you're gonna learn.

So how's your body feeling right now?

-Way more relaxed than before. -Mm-hmm?

-Yes. -And is there anything

I should know about your body?

Anything that hurts? Any injuries or owies?

No. No injuries. Just the lower back sometimes.

You know, I like when they massage me

in the tight place.

And put this pillow under your chest

so that your face goes right there.

Now, what I want you to do is relax and breathe

and just share with me what you're feeling.

I'm just gonna start by rocking your body.

I'm just gonna stretch you open.

[exhales slowly]

This is an awakening massage.

We're awakening your kundalini.

-Kundalini? -Kundalini.

-Is that in my balls? -Mm-mm.

Kundalini is the sleeping serpent.

Oh.

[Mare exhales deeply]

[both breathing deeply]

Ahh.

Ah. Tap on that kundalini. Yeah. Ahh.

Ooh, awaken, awaken, awaken.

[both] Ahh.

Yeah.

Are your nipples sensitive?

[both] Oh.

This is your life force.

This is what created you. This is closest to--

[Domenico moaning]

[both vocalizing]

I can't believe you spermed the old lady.

She did all kinds of tantra stuff on me.

I was like Mountain Vesuvius.

[speaking native language]

[speaking Italian]

[Marquesa] Keep your penis away from old ladies.

Fine.

You have to go to Santa Monica.

-[Domenico] For what? -You have a date.

What do you mean, I have a date?

From match.com.

I didn't message with anybody from match.com today.

I did.

You're fucking sending messages as me?

Your English is not very good.

And you're fucking Shakespeares?

[speaking native language]

Fuck.

[sighs]

She's cute.

How cute?

[Marquesa] Gorgeous.

Okay.

But if she looks like a bridge troll,

I'll make you go in the little box again.

Hello. Hi, Meredith. Domenico.

-Hi. Hi. -Nice meeting you.

-You too. -Mwah. You look so cute.

I'm a little nervous. I'm sorry.

Yeah. It's not the first date that you do online?

No, no. I just didn't--I really didn't expect, you know,

-you to be so cute, so... -Really?

-Yeah. -No, you're extremely beautiful.

I mean, how did you ended up on an online date?

-Aw, thank you. -Why are you on a website?

I mean, you shouldn't have any problems...

I mean, why not, you know? I just feel like that's,

like, what we do nowadays in our culture, and it just--

I think it, like, really allows you to,

like, zero in on people.

Do you know what I mean?

So you can, like, see, like,

are they what you're looking for, you know?

'Cause, you're like, "Oh, career?

Check. Looks? Check."

You know, "Loves his family? Check."

Or something, you know what I mean?

Did you have a lot of ex-boyfriends or...

No. No.

-I see. -Do you? Girlfriends, I mean.

No, I mean, I went out with a few girls.

It just didn't work out, unfortunately,

and then now I just feel that the more I'm getting older,

the more I'm ready for something bigger in life.

Me too. That's exactly how I feel.

And my mom, she cannot wait

to have me having kids with a woman.

-Aww. -You know? But I'm like,

"Mom, first of all, I have to find somebody.

I can't just jump into something like that."

Yeah. Well, you know,

falling in love is hard, you know?

And it's just a matter of time

before you meet the right person,

and, like, that's why we're doing this, right?

So it's like, you want to have, like--

how many kids would you like to have?

I mean, I would love--I mean,

I would love to have kids, you know.

Right away or, like, whenever?

I mean, it doesn't-- it doesn't matter to me.

Like, it needs to just be perfect, I think,

and, like, I'm open to whatever perfect means, you know?

If it means tomorrow, then it means tomorrow, so...

Oh, like, you want to get serious very fast,

-it seems like. -Yeah.

I mean, if that seems right, do you know what I mean?

I just think it's nice in these days to be able

to go out with somebody and to be able to--

Right. Yeah.

That's kind of cute, right? [laughs]

I'm sorry. Was that forward?

This is--I mean, I never had a woman reach into my hand.

Oh, shut up. It doesn't mean anything.

-Oh, I see. -[laughs]

I never had a date like this before.

[laughs]

I like that.

This is amazing. This is, like--

I feel amazing. Does this feel good?

Really, it does, yes.

Wow. I'm so glad I'm here.

You like me that much?

-Really? -Yeah. I'm so glad I'm here.

Like, already, like, it seems like it's--

Are you seeing anyone else?

No. No, not right now.

I'm just going around. Like, I did do dates sometimes.

Nothing serious with anybody.

You should teach me Italian, you know,

so, like, when I visit your family,

like, I know how to say something.

When do you want to visit my family?

I don't know. When they're free.

Like, in a couple of years or...

Or, like, you know, whenever you go on vacation.

Oh, when I'm gonna go to Italy next time?

Like, whenever we go on vacation, yeah.

We're doing vacation together already?

Vaca--like, we're--

Why not?

We--we met, like, 20 minutes ago.

And then what happened?

Okay, teach me how to say, like,

"It's really nice to meet you, Mrs."--

-What's your last name? -Nesci.

-Nesci. -Mrs. Nesci?

"It's really nice to meet you, Mrs. Nesci."

How do you say that?

Un piacere, Mrs. Nesci.

Un piacere di conoscerti...

Oh, my God. I can't do that.

Signora Nesci. Signora Nesci, Mrs. Nesci.

Un piatione--uh, say it again.

-Un piacere... -Un piacere...

-Conoscerti... -Conoscerti...

-Signora Nesci. -Signora--oh.

I sound like a chicken.

They call my mom Signora Nesci.

'Cause my dad is Signor Nesci, Mr. Nesci.

This is hard.

How am I gonna do this?

How do you say, "I'm honored to be

your daughter-in-law, Mrs. Nesci"?

Uh, um. Daughter-in-law.

Um...

un piacere essere tua...

Un piacere essere...

-Tua... -Tua...

How do you say daughter-in-law?

That's a scary word. Um...

-Daughter? -Cognata.

-Cognata. -No, it's not cognata.

-It's, uh... -That sounds like Spanish.

I never really heard that.

I mean, I never really said that word.

-Uh, nuora. Nuora. -Nuora.

Piacere essere tua nuora, Signora Nesci.

Oh, my God.

That's overwhelming.

[laughs]

Ooh, I'm so excited.

I have to think about that.

I'm just gonna use one second the restroom.

I'm gonna be right back.

Sure.

[lively string music]

♪

[men singing in Italian]

♪

"Hey, LonelyItalian.

"It's nice to meet another dog lover.

"Would you and your pooch like to meet us

at the park in one hour?"

Amazing. "We will be there."

Fuck, I need a dog.

Mikey.

Mikey.

[both speaking Italian]

Per un doggy date.

Fuck you, Dome. No. No.

Fuck, I need a dog!

Open up.

It's Domenico. Open up.

[sighs] Domenico, I told you I'm married.

-I'm not gonna fuck you. -It's not about that.

Can I please borrow one of your dogs?

-Why? No. -Just I need one.

You have two. Come on.

You have a better chance of fucking me.

[speaking Italian]

Can I buy a dog and then bring it back?

Andre. Andre has a dog. Andre has a dog.

[line trilling]

[both speaking Italian]

[speaking Italian]

Let's go, little doggy.

[upbeat music]

♪

I call you Gina.

Like my cousin.

♪

Gina, this way. This way.

Let's go.

Let's go. This way.

Let's go.

Oh, fuck.

Let's go. Hi.

-[Amanda] Hey. -[Domenico] How are you?

-I'm good. How are you? -Good.

My dog, Gina, she's been very--

very antsy, and she couldn't wait to see you today.

[Amanda laughs]

Let's go, Gina.

[clicking tongue]

-Come here, Gina. -Come on, Gina.

Gina. Let's go.

Look, look. That's a little dog.

Look how cute it is.

It's a little dog.

What's his name?

-This is Mick. -See?

-Hello. -Look. Smell the butt, Gina.

Let's smell each other's butt.

-[laughs] -Gina.

-Hi. -Domenico.

Sorry. Nice meeting you. Mwah. Mwah.

-Nice to meet you as well. -Gina. Gina, she's very--

Gina's very happy. Look at the tail.

[Amanda laughs]

How long have you-- you have a dog?

About a year and a half.

I got him when he was, like, six weeks.

-How about Gina? -Gina?

Oh, she's been with me forever.

I mean, I'm 32 years old, and Gina is 26, and--

-In dog years? -26.

No, 26 years.

Like, human years.

Like, I was six when I got Gina.

She's amazing, and look how cute you are.

-That's a pretty amazing dog. -Say hi, Gina. Say hi.

Oh, your dog likes to play with the--

-The ball. -What's the--

-Gina, go play with the ball. -Mick.

-Mick. -Mick. Bring the ball.

-Mick. -Mick, bring me the ball.

Oh, no!

Hey, ha!

Gina, come and play.

Gina. Gina.

[Amanda laughs]

[Domenico] Mick, go. You go.

-[Amanda] So... -[Domenico] So cute.

Gina doesn't come when you call.

No, Gina, she's-- she's very--

-She's very tired. -Independent?

No, she's very tired because we went and ran

for seven miles this morning when I woke up.

We do a run by the boardwalk

here at the beach and--

-You ran seven miles? -With a dog.

-She--she likes-- -With Gina?

Gina, she likes to run all the time.

I don't know what it is.

-She's pretty fat too, so... -Yeah, very fat.

She eats a lot of pasta. She likes pasta, man.

She likes pasta.

-You feed the dog pasta? -Yes. Spaghetti.

She likes Bolognese sauce a lot.

When I came here, and when she was born,

my grandma gave her, like, a lot of Italian food.

-Right. -So in the south of Italy,

they don't really give those little things.

So whatever is left over on the table,

that's what you give to the dog.

Oh, okay. So the scraps.

-Gina eats all the scraps. -Yeah.

-I can tell. -A lot.

Yeah. Yeah.

She likes desserts.

She's crazy on desserts.

-Really? What kind of desserts? -Yeah, like crazy.

Like, chocolate. She eats, like, chocolate.

She is very particular about chocolate.

-That's ridiculous. -No, I promise you.

She doesn't eat chocolate. There's no way.

75% cocoa from Peru. That's all she cares.

[Amanda] Mm-hmm.

Really pretty, though. I'm actually glad.

How did you ended up on the dog website, by the way?

Well, just so you know, I think it's really important

that people love animals

and guys have a dog to take care of

because I feel like if you can take care of a dog,

you can take care of a woman, and--

I take care better with women than dogs, just so you know.

Well, I hope so, but I'm just saying

that you can be nurturing as well.

It's like a--

And I never try to sleep with this dog.

-I promise. Gina. -[dog barking]

Don't scream, please.

You are very educated. Don't do that.

-[dog barking] -That's a very--

Why is it doing that?

Um, there is definitely-- that's definitely not a girl.

What do you mean, it's not a girl?

[Amanda] I mean, I--

He has a massive penis.

-Like... -Gina has a penis?

-He definitely has a penis. -No. Which one?

He--he has a pe-- do you want me to go

and show you his-- his big penis?

-Come look at the dog. -Where?

-This dog definitely-- -This is--Gina has a penis?

-It's impossible. -You can look. I don't want to--

See, there is definitely a penis.

-Oh, that? -Yeah.

[Domenico] That's not a penis. You see, that's not a penis.

[Amanda] The lipstick is coming out right now.

[Domenico] That is a big clitoritus.

[Amanda] The lipstick is definitely coming out right now.

-It's a clitoritus. -That is not a clitoris.

-It is. -No, it's not--that is--

-Oh, my God. -That is the clitor--

You don't even know what sex your dog is?

No, that's a clit. That's a clitoritus.

-It really is. -Is that even your dog?

It's my dog. No, no, no, it's--

'Cause, you know, some women have a big clit,

and, uh, what happened is that when she was born, you know--

Do you think I'm, like, stupid or something?

-No, I promise you. -Okay.

When she was born, they told me,

you know, "This is a dog."

Unfortunately, it's like when you go to buy clothes

and there is a defection on the thing.

Well, there's definitely a humungous penis,

and I know what a penis is.

-This is a male dog? -It's a boy.

It's absolutely a boy.

Let's talk about us. They're just dogs.

[siren wailing distantly]

[knocking]

Hello. I'm Domenico.

-You're late. -A few minutes.

It was a bit of traffic coming on Venice Boulevard

from where I live.

Get in.

Should I close the door or--

[Lucy] Just get the fuck in here now.

So where are you from originally?

Just, you know, how long-- you from LA or--

-Pucker up. -Very interesting.

You have any brothers or sisters?

What is that thing that you just got?

[device buzzing]

-No, it's-- -Shh.

[shouting]

-[shouts] -Ah.

So this is the first date,

what's it gonna be like the second date?

[shouting]

[laughs]

What do you say?

-Thank you, ma'am. -Ahh.

So should I move the reservation,

or should we just do, like, delivery?

This is very nice.

Is that, like, some kind of a massage?

Mm, something like that.

I like it.

Go, like, once a week, usually, and take massage.

Ahh! Have you ever been in love before?

[laughs]

You did?

You've been--I've been in love only a couple of times.

-Uh-huh. -It's very nice.

-Yeah. It's great, isn't it? -It is. It is.

You're gonna like it even more.

-Yeah? -Yes.

Is this gonna feel like it's like a...

It's very nice.

[screaming]

Lucy!

[door slams]

Lucy!

Lucy!

[engine turning over]

[tires squealing]

Oh, shit.

[plastic wrap crinkling]

I feel like leftovers.

You look like an asshole.

Oh, gentle, cazzo.

You have a JDate in half an hour.

JDate?

What does the J stands for again?

I am ebreo too. I'm Jewish.

And I just wanted to,

you know, bring up a little bit of the religion,

as we are in America.

-Yeah, that's true. -Pretty much.

I don't think I've ever been on a date

with a guy wearing a tallis.

What's the tallis?

This that you're wearing right now.

Oh, well, of course that's a tallis.

I've never seen that on a date.

-I'll take the fava bean soup. -Okay.

Can put a little kosher on top?

Thank you.

-A little what on top? -The kosher.

-The what? -Kosher on top.

What's on top?

The ingredient that put the kosher

in kosher soup.

Kosher fava bean soup.

-Oh. -Kosher.

Oh.

What I've found on JDate are,

the guys are a little gun-shy.

I feel like they email and email

and email and email, and they want to get to meet you,

and then when it comes time to meet you,

they kind of--cold feet. I think--

-Who meets that meshugas? -I don't need any meshugas.

These meshugas. It's insane.

I can't wait to try this and for you to try this.

Oh, this is amazing. I make this all the time.

Really?

And the only difference is,

I threw some asparagus in it sometimes.

-Mmm. -When I want to be

extremely fancy, I put white asparagus.

-Right. -When I don't want to be fancy,

-I put the green one in. -Sure.

Problem is, when you pee later on,

it smells like asparagus, but...

[Jackie laughing]

It's good. Tastes good.

-You're funny. -No, but you meet people

-sometimes... -You're a riot.

And you cannot have a conversation.

-Oh, you're funny. -Like, it doesn't go.

But I like to talk, but sometimes,

-you know, you meet... -Clearly.

Women that the conversation

doesn't go anywhere, and this is flowing so well

that I like it a lot.

Now, do you think at this point

that you would like to see me again or not?

Yeah.

-Really? -Yeah.

Would you date me even if I wasn't Jewish?

But you are Jewish.

Well...

not exactly.

Not exactly. What happened is this.

I went on JDate. I did one little white lie

and I said that I was Jewish on the website,

even though I'm Catholic

and I used to be an altar boy.

My thing is,

I think that I'm open

to circumcise anytime and convert.

Can we please have validation?

Is it possible?

[Annie] You really owe me an apology.

-I owe you an apology? -Yes.

Well, I am sorry if I said

that you like sucking dicks for money,

but I think you love sucking dicks for money.

Asshole.

Should I go ahead and try--

Why is it working with you and not with me?

Is it me and not with you?

[Jessica] Maybe it's a defective udder.

I don't know.

[Domenico] You think it's trouble, that's what it is?

[upbeat music]

Take it easy, goat. Don't worry.

We're gonna give you some M&M'S in a second.

Some Skittles. Gonna milk it.

It feels like my penis.

[both speaking Italian]

♪

Hello, it's Domenico.

♪

Hi.

What's up?

♪

Do you want to... come in?

Sure.

It's finally nice to meet you

in person, you know?

It's a nice website, 420 Dating.

As you can see, I'm very much into the marijuana.

I have a leaf on my jacket.

♪

What is the noise? Is that the noise?

-It's my fridge. -Fridge is, uh...

-It's broken. -It's broken? I see.

How long have you been on 420 Dating?

I don't know. A couple of months.

A couple of months. I've been on forever, you know?

Several years.

What do you smoke?

Oh, I usually get the best stuff.

You know, I go from Red Moon.

It's one of my favorites.

I do Green Jojoba.

The Grateful Dead is another one that I always like a lot.

Cherry Hill when I really, really want to get high.

Those--

You want to get really, really high right now?

Smoke right away?

-Yes. -Sure. I would love to.

Okay.

♪

-Smoke on this? -Yeah. Just hold it.

Don't you have cigarettes?

Usually you smoke through cigarettes.

Oh, no. I like this bong.

It's seen some shit.

Is it good?

[coughs]

Mmm. It's very, like, parsley.

A little taste. It's very nice.

I see there is a cat on top of the thing.

[Vanessa] Mm-hmm.

-It's very nice. -Just light it.

-Some more light in it? -Yeah.

Now hit it again.

This taste amazing. Very nice.

What's the name of this?

Uh, Skywalker.

♪

[hacking cough]

[gagging]

[coughing]

Do you have a cup to spit, just in case?

♪

[coughing]

Hey!

[exclaims]

So good.

Unbelievable. Skywalker, huh?

I have to tell my guy to give me some of this next time 'cause...

This is un-- this is crazy.

How often do you hit this a week?

I wake up and hit that, and then at night,

I'd hit it again.

Never during the day. I'm sure you don't do this,

'cause this is very laid-back stuff, right?

No, I smoke joints during the day.

Joints? This is good shit.

That weed goes in there.

Did you ever fall in love with anybody from 420 Dating?

Smoked a lot of weed, though.

-Little more? -Mm-hmm.

-You want to do more or-- -You go.

-I go first? -Guests first.

♪

[hacking cough]

Ah.

Ah, so good.

I like it.

It makes me very, like,

sensitive about the world and life.

I don't know. I, like, think about, like,

my grandparents that I haven't seen

in a long time in the south of Italy.

Are you gonna finish that?

You know, like, Grandpa with the fucking chickens and--

and my grandmother, she's making the sfogliatelle.

This is insane.

Give me a little more. It's so good.

It'll calm you down if you smoke more.

[water bubbling]

[hacking cough]

[gagging and coughing]

♪

You know, it's, like-- it's crazy

'cause it's making me remember these crazy things.

I remember once I was, like, three years old

and my mom took me to sleep in the bed,

and all the sudden I, like--

my penis start growing a little bit, and--

and then in front of my penis, it's, like, my mother's ass,

and it's, like, crazy.

I didn't know it could get hard on my mother, you know?

Then there was this neighbor of mine

that when I was six, he used to give me,

like, these lollipops in his garage,

and then he used to-- he'd say, like,

"Do you want to kiss right here, right now?"

And the garage was always closed and all the kids would run away.

I was, like, the only one stuck in the garage,

and the guy was like,

"You know, you have to go a little more deeper.

You remember, I give you lollipop."

Like, I remember the lollipop.

"Then go deeper. Go deeper."

And it's, like, fuck.

I didn't even know why I was doing that shit.

It's unbelievable.

[exhales sharply]

[lively string music]

♪

[Michelle] Do you really-- do you really dress like this,

-like, when you go to the gym? -Yeah. All the time.

So you don't like already something about me?

No, no. I'm not saying I don't like it,

but when you're in the gym,

do people think you're handicapped?

Do you find me attractive except for the--

-Yeah. You're really handsome. -Yeah?

-Yeah. You're really handsome. -I like that.

You're a very attractive woman.

Even though you have these muscles,

you're extremely good-looking.

Even though I have these muscles?

No, meaning you have these muscles.

I mean, I never met a woman

that has big muscles more than I do and...

-Mm-hmm. -So it's amazing

to see a beautiful woman

with such massive muscles as this.

-Thank you. -Physically, if we, let's say,

make sweet love, are you gonna break my penis somehow?

-Because you're strong? -No.

Well, just because I have muscles doesn't mean

that my vagina's all muscular and stuff.

-I mean, like-- -The vagina is not?

Like, the clitoritus is not bigger than average?

[straining]

I lift a little bit on this side.

I think that if I put the knees on top of the bench,

I'd get more strength from my legs.

That's an idea. Try that.

[straining]

[screaming]

This motherfucker doesn't go up.

[straining]

[siren wailing]

[groaning]

No more of this crazy stuff.

[groans]

Where's my phone?

I'm going back on Tinder.

You need to rest...

[speaking native language]

You can suck my balls.

[snoring]

[Corinne] So how's it been for you so far?

Very interesting.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

I've been on a few dates, and the dates--

How many dates have you been on?

A couple, perhaps.

[laughs]

How many dates have you been on?

-Me? -Yeah. Don't even lie.

-Like, in my life? -No, on--

on Tinder and online dating.

-Five on Tinder. -Five? Just on Tinder?

Actually, you're number six.

How did the previous five went?

-They were good. -Yeah?

Did you make out with anybody?

I might have kissed someone, yeah.

What about are you on any other websites, perhaps, like--

No, I gave up on everything else.

So what's your favorite site?

Uh, I like a lot FarmersOnly.com.

-What is it? -Farmers Only.

Farmers Only. Are you really on there?

I feel like that's false representation.

It's like women who go onto JDate who aren't Jewish.

People that go on JDate, they go because they're Jewish.

No, people--there are women who go on JDate

who are not Jewish who want to marry Jewish men.

-That's disgusting. -It--I mean--

-Why do they do that? -I don't know.

'Cause Jewish men are successful?

I don't really know.

I will not misrepresent myself.

I would never go on JDate if I'm not Jewish.

-It's offensive. -Or, like--so wait.

How many--okay, so you're on Tinder.

You're on OkCupid. You're on Farmers Only.

-Christian Mingle. -Christian Mingle.

-Catholic Match. -Catholic Match.

-Muslim Single. -Muslim Single?

Muslim Single. Love Me, Love My Pet,

which is a website for dog lovers.

Do you have a pet?

I don't, but I borrow it when I go to the date.

[laughs]

It's, you know-- it's interesting,

and I don't think I should limit myself to,

like, one thing or another because it's so nice

to go out and meet so many different girls.

I feel like you're casting your net too wide.

You think?

And I feel like--

I feel like you might be better off, like,

focusing your effort. Might have a deal.

You're a very interesting woman.

I like that.

So much fun. Cheers to the fun.

Cheers.

[organ music]

♪

Hello, Jesus. It's me, Domenico.

I know I've not been the best Catholic lately.

I'm sorry about that.

Also I want to apologize for dry-humping my cousin

when I was 14 behind the Sant'Alessandro Cathedral.

But you saw it.

She had such big breasts,

I could not help myself.

So I want to apologize about that too.

The reason why I'm here today

is because I had such an amazing Tinder date last night.

This woman wasn't just sexy or anything.

She was also very smart and funny, like me,

and I like her a lot.

So I wanted to ask you.

I'm sure you should know about these things,

being the son of God and everything.

Do you think I should text right away

and tell her how she's doing

and I'm looking forward to see her?

Or maybe I should wait a couple of days?

♪

Okay, Jesus, if you want me to text right away,

then don't say nothing.

If you want me to wait a couple of days,

then make, like, a earthquake

or a tidal wave, perhaps,

and I'll know.

Okay. Text right away.

Wait, Jesus. I don't have her cell phone.

Have to send her a message on Tinder.

[phone beeps]

What the fuck is this?

[woman] Shh!

Since when telling 25,000 girls

you like them is considered spam?

I talked too much about myself.

I don't know where she lives.

I don't know where she works.

I don't know her last name.

Please, Jesus, tell me her last name.

♪

Fine, if you don't want to talk to me,

I'll find somebody who will.

Who are you?

I'm Father Willy Raymond.

I'm a Catholic priest here

in Santa Monica.

-Who are you? -I'm Rabbi Michael Gotlieb,

and I serve a congregation also here in Santa Monica.

I see. So a priest, a rabbi,

and an Italian walk into a bar.

Um, so I'm--I-- I'm 32 years old,

and I've been in this country for eight years.

I'm still single,

and I'm having troubles looking for love.

Why is it so hard in this country to look for love?

'Cause I figure, you know, I'm lonely, I'm Italian, so--

-Are you honest? -Very honest.

I feel lonely because I don't have anybody

next to me, pretty much.

No, no, no, when it comes to online dating,

are you honest?

Sometimes I lie.

You know, steal a couple of inches,

say that I make an extra few thousand dollars a year.

You use your image?

Face is mine, though.

But are you serious about this?

And you want to be serious

about what it is that you're looking for?

No, but I'm honest about myself--

No, you're not honest if you're saying

you're lying about your income,

you're lying about your physical stature.

That's because I have a feeling

that women, they do look into those things.

I don't care what they think.

I'm asking you. Why are you lying?

I mean, this is--

You want us to throw softballs at you,

then you got the wrong rabbi, that's for sure.

When you say now you're ready for love,

to love someone is to will the good

of that other person.

When you continually view people as objects,

as women as nothing more

than just some naiveté receptacle

for whatever your passions might be,

then you'll get nowhere,

and you'll continually get nowhere.

You invited me here to speak frankly.

I can't speak more frankly than I have.

-I can see. -[Michael] You can see?

-Yeah. -You can only see,

but you can't listen.

-No, I am listening-- -And when you start listening,

things will change.

That doesn't mean that I'm--

[Michael] I got to tell you something.

At a given point, it's not about you.

The narcissism of which you define yourself.

The fact that you said, "I'm Italian."

Who cares that you're Italian?

-Women do. -Women do?

No, only the women in your narrow,

just over-Hollywood-ized perception of life.

They care about quality of character.

You're asking a priest,

you're asking a rabbi

to comment initially on online dating.

We're both in favor of it.

Who wouldn't be in favor of it?

That's just a portal.

It's an entry point into establishing

potential relationships.

But sustainable relationships

go much deeper than that,

and the very issues to which I'm challenging you,

I could be as effective of speaking to the wall.

You're not listening.

You might be hearing, but you're not listening.

Be a man.

Grow up. Grow up.

[somber music]

♪

[man] ♪ When I am older still

♪ I don't mean over the hill

♪ I will be serenading ladies

♪ In my time to kill

♪

♪ I could have attitude

♪ And bully my way to you

♪ Start a campaign to include my name ♪

♪ In all of your who's whos

♪ But lounging round

♪ In the underground's

♪ My favorite thing to do

♪

♪ How about you

Who am I kidding?

I'm still an asshole.

♪

-[snoring] -[Marquesa] Wake up!

You cried all night like a woman,

and now it's the afternoon.

Fuck. I have no reason to wake up.

-You have a date in one hour. -From where?

Somebody messaged you from OkCupid.

-I didn't send a message from-- -Well, they did. So go.

And take a shower.

[door closes]

-Hi. -[Claire] Hi.

Domenico. Nice meeting you.

Claire.

[Domenico] Mwah. Mwah.

-Where are you originally from? -Massachusetts.

Isn't Massachusetts, like, the little state behind Boston?

Yes. The little state behind Boston.

That's exactly what it is.

-Is that what it is? -Mm-hmm.

I live, like--well, I grew up

20 minutes south of Boston.

So I have relatives in Solbiate Arno.

-Full-on Italian? -No.

Little bit-- [speaking Italian]

Yeah.

And then so we visited them--

[speaking Italian] By the way.

Aww, grazie.

[both speaking Italian]

-Si? -No, no.

[speaking Italian]

-Very nice. -I know.

So you're open. This is amazing.

[laughs] It's fun, actually.

Yeah. I'm enjoying this date a lot.

Now, I came here, you know, and for eight years,

I realize how it's not very easy to be

in a relationship in this town.

No. It's an impossible town

to be in a relationship in.

You went through the same problem, then?

Yes, yes.

-You like to cook? -I do like to cook.

-Do you like to cook? -Oh, me? Always.

I'm always cooking Italian. I'm always--

What's your specialty? What's your dish?

Oh, pasta. All kinds. Amatriciana,

carbonara, Bolognese.

So when am I coming over for dinner?

-Oh, like that? -Why not?

Whenever you want to come over. I'm open.

Okay. I'll bring dessert. I can bake.

You like to have, like, a man that is sweet?

Doesn't matter if I'm from Italy...

-Yes. -And we are very different?

No, no. As long as you speak Italian in bed.

-That's probably fine. -Ooh.

[speaking Italian]

Yeah, this is--this is-- this is all I was looking for.

Like, somebody that speaks my language...

-Mm-hmm. -Loves my country...

-Mm-hmm. -Is there any trick

that I need to know?

Like, are you pregnant?

Do you have kids? Like, what's the--

No, no. There's nothing really wrong with me.

-No? -And, yeah.

And I'm still out there in the single world.

I don't know why.

They say usually that, you know,

when you meet somebody,

you know right away, like, in the first 30 seconds

if you want to see them again.

-Mm-hmm. -Now, based on you seeing me

for 30 seconds, what are you thinking?

You want to see me more?

Like, do you think that I'm interesting for you or no?

-No, you are interesting. -What do you like?

I--no, you're fun,

and you're very, um, straightforward.

-Oh, I see. -Mm-hmm. And honest.

-I was just-- -Look at that.

You're blushing, by the way.

-Um... -You're really--you're red,

like your drink right now.

-I know. This was good. -You're blushing.

You're very red on your face.

Well, all right. Well, maybe it'll go away.

-You're blushy. -Stop, stop.

So let's say me and you go out.

How many dates I have to wait until I can actually

have an intercourse with you?

Um, well, standard is, like, three.

-Three dates? -Yeah. If you--

-This counts as one, right? -Yeah. This is one.

So we do one more and then that's it?

Yeah. If--you know, if you get that third date.

-I see. -You have to impress me, though.

That's the thing. You have to take me to some--

you have to have some kind of plan, right?

And take me to someplace fun that you know I'll like,

which you can actually just ask me,

and I'll tell you all the places that I will like.

-Like, what do you like? -Like, I would love to go

ice-skating. That would be awesome.

-Do you go ice skating? -I do. I like it.

-Yeah. See? That's a great date. -Last time, I break my leg.

-You broke your leg? -I did. Broke my leg.

Well, if you go, then don't break your leg,

and then you have a better chance of having sex with me.

Six Flags. Like, I would love going to--

-Do you like Six Flags? -Oh, yeah.

-Hell yeah. -So if I come and I puke,

-is that still okay? -Roller coasters.

'Cause those things makes me feel sick a little bit.

-Oh. -But if I do it because

I love you and I just want to please you...

Right. Then as long as you don't puke on me,

I think it would be fine.

-Okay. -Yeah.

What else do I like? I like to go--

What about, like, a nice walk in Malibu or something?

-On the beach? -That's nice.

You know, if it's a nice day out.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

I mean, if it's rainy and chilly...

although even if it's rainy and chilly, that could be cool.

And we could make out underneath the Santa Monica Pier

where those, like, pylons are.

-Ooh. I know that-- -Mm-hmm.

Yeah. That's romantic.

All right, so if there's a second date, what will it be?

At my place. I will cook for you.

-Oh, right. -That's the second date.

We already established that that's the second date.

Yeah, and the third, we're gonna have sex.

But that's not the date. You have to, like, take me out.

Oh, first I take you out and then we will have sex?

-Yes. -So third date--

A date is not, like, sex.

That's--you know, that's the end.

That's the cherry on top.

-It's very involved. -Oh, yeah, no.

This is the American way.

So you're really gonna want to see me again?

-Yeah. -Yeah?

Yeah. I think it would be fun.

-[chuckles] -No?

-I would love that. -Okay, good.

-I would really love that. -Yay. Look at that.

Now you're blushing.

[soft piano music]

[laughs] All right.

Here, I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm flirting with you, totally.

Well, it was really nice meeting you.

Well, thank you.

-It was really nice. -It was nice meeting you too.

♪

-You're amazing. -Aww, thanks.

♪

See, you get a kiss at the end of the first date.

Well, give me the hand.

-This is great! -[laughing]

It's pumping really hard.

♪

Bye.

♪

Shithead, I did it!

I brought you some of the crap you Filipinos call food.

We're gonna celebrate.

Marquesa?

Marquesa, you sleeping?

What the fuck?

[door opens]

[Marquesa] Is that lengua estofada I smell?

Domenic, that was just on my bed.

[Domenico] It was a lie.

She was pretending.

No, Domenic. It was not a lie.

She's just some actress.

I wanted you to feel good about yourself.

Get out of my house.

Please, Domenic--

[shouting in Italian]

[sniffles]

I'm sorry.

[somber piano music]

♪

[door opens, closes]

[speaking Italian]

♪

[sniffles]

[man] Hi.

[soft guitar music]

♪

[music swelling]

♪

Hello.

-Hi. -Hi.

I'm not sure if you remember me.

I was the Italian guy who came to your office.

Oh. Oh, yeah. The Italian guy.

-Domenico. -You were kind of an asshole.

No, I was very much an asshole.

Um, I just wanted to tell you that I'm very sorry.

You were very helpful to me

when I started this online thing,

and I may acted like an idiot.

Okay.

It went horrible, by the way.

This online dating stuff.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Maybe I'm not supposed to meet anybody this way.

-I don't know. -You know, I--I'm so sorry.

I lost my keys, and I have no idea where they are,

and I kind of need to be somewhere, so...

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. That's all I wanted to say.

-All right. -Bye.

Bye.

-Do you need a ride? -What?

My car is right here.

I could drive you wherever you need to go.

Oh, no. That's okay.

I'm not a rapist or anything, I promise you.

No. I know. It's--I'm sure you've got better things to do.

Not really. All I've been doing is dating on the computer,

and it's all done now.

So my Fiat 500 is right here if you need any help.

-I'm--I'm-- -That's okay.

Bye.

-Fix it again, Tony. -What?

Uh, it--I--that's what they say about Fiats.

They say it stands for "Fix it again, Tony."

-I never heard this before. -No?

-You are funny. -No.

I--it's an old joke.

I'm so--it's not.

Um, so would you mind?

I really don't mind. I could drive you

wherever you have to go until you find your keys.

Which is probably never, 'cause your purse

is the size of my grandma's house

in the south of Italy.

Okay. Thank you.

So I'm going to Olympic and Sawtelle.

There's a restaurant there called Clusi Batusi.

Do you know it?

-Clusi Batusi? -Uh-huh.

I've been on 29 dates there last week.

I love that place.

[Battles' "Ice Cream"]

♪

[man singing indistinctly]

♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose ♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose ♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose ♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪

♪ Simple, yes, my friend

♪

♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose

♪

♪ Simple, yes, my friend

♪

Are you familiar with the genocide

that happened in Cambodia?

-Uh... -Back in the early '80s,

late '70s?

-The Khmer Rouge? -No.

So there was-- there was a massive genocide

in Cambodia at that time, and, like,

they think about 3 million to 4 million people were killed.

'Cause my last date, we talk about ice cream.

-Ice cream? -But through this date, now

-we are talking about genocide. -Yeah?

My penis looks like a 65-years-old penis,

and I'm only 32.

-Oh, God. -I promise.

It's so, like, run out

that it's like, what do you do?

It gets the social security from the government.

-That's good. That's good. -That's how old it looks.

[laughs]

I know. You want to see it?

No, I'm good. Thanks.

How old are you?

You're not supposed to ask a woman that.

[Domenico] Uh, 30...

Now you're gonna guess?

Can you imagine what I have to wear

when I go to a Muslim singles dating website?

Dynamite all over my body.

[man] ♪ Dame un helado derritiéndose ♪

When I was in my 20s, I was in New York,

and I wanted to be a soap opera actor.

All I wanted to do was seduce women on TV.

That's all I wanted to do, right?

So I got the--I got-- I got a great manager.

True fucking story, right? She had Brian Dennehy.

She had, like, all these big clients and me.

She took me to the best acting teacher

in the city, but I was so impatient.

So one night, my mother comes into my fucking bar,

does cocaine with the fucking coke dealer,

looks at my fucking manager, and goes,

"Why aren't you sending my son out on auditions,

you fucking bitch?"

They get into a fucking brawl at the bar,

my mother and my manager.

The manager never sent me out again.

My mother apologized.

She then fucks this guy in the bathroom.

True fucking story.

I take her home. I lived on 80th street.

I go, "Mom, thanks for this fucking night.

"You go--you go--you fucked my cocaine dealer, okay?

"He was one of my bigger tippers, right?

"Now he's gonna be embarrassed to fucking come in here.

You fucking lost my acting career,

and all in one night."

So...

♪