Original subtitles

- Subs by kinglouisxx - for www.addic7ed.com

Everybody bring their stuff for Louise's care package?

Sure did. I got her all the COVID recovery essentials...

immunity booster shots, vitamin C,

garlic, some herbal tea...

Ooh, these teas are nice.

How about I keep them for myself

and replace them with an even better immunity booster...

a shot of laughter from Dr. Adam Sandler

in the somehow-overlooked- during-awards-season,

"Jack and Jill"?

And as a bonus, "Doctor Zhivago"...

disc two.

Oh, we don't want her straining her eyes

on these crossword puzzles.

What she really needs is something for the ears.

The Bible... on CD.

I was shopping in a hurry. I thought it said Bublé.

Okay, this is crazy.

I have "Doctor Zhivago," disc one,

and I've been dying to see how it ends.

Louise has COVID, ya hillbilly pirates.

Everybody put everything back.

Oh.

Although she doesn't really need "Jack and Jill."

[Chuckles]

Did you know Sandler plays the brother and the sister?

Yes, Dad. And it only took you three times to figure it out

because he's "that good."

Ugh, you're such an elitist.

When your beloved Sir Anthony Hopkins plays twins,

let me know.

All right, is this everything? 'Cause I gotta go.

After I stop at Louise's, I'm gonna close

the biggest lumber deal the hardware store's ever had.

Wow. Ben must be thrilled.

How'd you manage that?

I've been doing business with my contractor buddies.

They like getting personal service

instead of what they get at the big box places.

Wow. That is fantastic.

Well, before you ask for a raise, let me know.

I am willing to sleep with your boss.

You don't think it's too early to ask for a raise?

No. Ben talks about how lucky he is to have you all the time.

Just like I'm sure he tells you how lucky he is to have me.

[Exhales sharply]

Anyhoo...

Uh, you just said you're making him a ton more money, right?

Yeah, I-I've... I've pretty much doubled the business

in the last month.

I think it's a little early to be asking for a raise.

No. Come on... You guys make a great team, and Ben knows that.

Look, don't tell him I said this,

but he is not gonna take a chance on losing you.

You know what? You're absolutely right.

I'm the golden goose.

Yeah, and everything the goose touches turns to gold.

No. That's King Midas.

You're thinking about

when the Jewish people wandered in the desert

and worshipped the golden goose, and Moses got mad

and told them to cut it out.

That was the golden calf.

Here. You can brush up on that story with the Holy Bublé.

3x13 - Money, Booze And Lies

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You'll never guess who just called me.

Mike Withers.

Oh, my God.

Mikey from high school?

You guys dissected that cat together.

Yeah, that's him.

You were in biology class, right?

Of course.

Continue.

Mikey was Becky's main competition

in her honors classes.

What's he up to now?

Mr. 4.1?

He did his undergrad at Northwestern

and got his masters in Civil Engineering at Stanford.

Wow. Did you tell him you majored in alcoholism

and got your masters in unprotected sex?

My drinking problem never came up.

He did ask about you, though. He wondered if you were in jail.

Why would I be in jail?

He remembered how you rode David's ass

up and down the halls in high school

and assumed you killed him.

Oh, great. Now he's gonna come to town

and realize I don't have any follow-through.

He asked me to dinner, but I'm gonna pass.

Why?

It could be fun catching up.

Nah.

His imagination is better than the reality.

I'd rather keep the illusion

that I'm too busy to post on Instagram because I'm a success,

not because I got kicked off

for liking too many photos of Elizabeth Warren.

You should go and just be proud of who you are.

Successful people like being around failures.

Think about how you feel around D.J.

Oh, don't listen to her.

You show up looking great, and he'll think you're a success.

We could go down to that place

that gives homeless people good clothes for job interviews,

and then you can go to the beauty school,

get your hair done.

[Chuckles] I guess that could be fun.

And it'd be really nice to be someone else for a night.

I was somebody else for a couple of weeks once.

It wasn't so much a choice as...

you know, a psychotic break.

♪♪

Okay. Here you go.

Breakfast for dinner, as promised.

It's vegan sausage.

It tastes like I'm chewing a salty rubber band.

Look, it's too late

for all these other meat-eating heathens here,

but you can start eating healthy.

It's made from all plants, and it tastes exactly the same.

Trust me, it doesn't.

I'm gonna go watch TV.

I'll go with you. Here's a tip...

Don't hassle the person cooking your food.

She's gonna do worse than this?

Oh, hello, poor people.

I come from an alternate reality

where Conners are rich and successful.

I'm here to tell you you're doing everything wrong.

[Laughs dramatically]

You look great.

You love me.

What does Darlene think?

You look so rich, I want to key your Bentley.

Thank you. I know that was very hard for you to say.

Now, I will see you before midnight.

That's when my magic carriage

turns back into a pickup with expired tags.

All right. We're all set, Dan.

Tell your buddy the lumber order will be there at 6:00.

- Fantastic! - [Laughs]

Hey, uh, before we eat, I just want to take a moment

to thank Dan for killing it at work.

Man, it's like you were born to work in a hardware store.

Now, that's not always a compliment,

but in this case, it really is.

Thank you!

It's so nice to have a boss that appreciates you.

Since I mostly used to work for myself, I can honestly say

that I'm a cheap bastard who never paid me what I was worth.

Well, your loss is Ben's gain.

He couldn't have done this without you.

[Chuckles] You know, I just had a funny thought.

If you married my daughter, it would be hilarious

to have a sign out front that said, "Olinsky and Dad."

I don't know. I kind of like the sign we have.

It's shorter. [Laughs]

I'm kidding. I don't really care what the sign says.

But I am serious about being a partner.

A partner?

Wow.

You're really catching me off-guard here.

You know, what I think my dad is trying to say

is that he just deserves some recognition

for all the business he brought in,

even if that's just a raise. Right, Dad?

No. I've been thinking about it,

and at the rate I'm growing this business,

I think a 25% ownership stake is not unreasonable.

Whoa. That's weird,

'cause I think it's totally unreasonable.

You've only been working there for two months.

Two months, and I've already doubled your business.

All right, well, we don't need to settle this now.

The vegan sausage is getting cold.

Heat really is the only thing it's got going for it.

I'm 68! I'm not gonna have time

to spend 10 years waiting for a promotion.

Well, I am sorry that you're old,

but that doesn't mean that I have to give you

a piece of the business my father gave me.

Without me, in six months, that place'll be a parking lot!

All right, you know what? I'm not going there with you again.

Just because you ran your businesses into the ground

doesn't mean that I have to make it right for you!

- Dad, we talked about a raise! - [Door opens, closes]

That's like a couple bucks more an hour.

Maybe a personalized mug in the break room. All right?

Why are you trying to better your life with my boyfriend?

Hasn't worked for me, not gonna work for you.

Hey. How you doing?

Well, I've cooled down.

I may have reacted a little impulsively.

Well, it's partly my fault.

I told him that he deserved a raise,

and I should have left well-enough alone.

I mean, he wasn't gonna ask for anything.

Oh, give yourself a little credit.

I think that makes it entirely your fault.

Hey, I had no idea he was gonna ask for a piece of the store.

Well, yeah, but we're supposed to be a team.

If you thought he needed a raise,

you should have just talked to me.

I know that now.

[Sighs]

Look, you know that my dad and I had a lousy relationship.

My only real connection to him was through that store.

I remember when I was little and he'd sit me on the counter

and let me play with all the tools.

And then when I got older,

he told me to tell all the kids at school

that I knew how to make keys.

I did, and it got me so much sex.

- Really? - No.

I was alone all the time,

and I learned how to play the harmonica.

[Laughs]

Yeah, now it all makes sense.

Sometimes when you kiss me, you inhale.

My dad loved that store.

Even when business was bad, he turned down investors,

and he turned down offers from big chains.

And he did whatever he had to do to keep it in the family.

So... [Scoffs]

if I gave away a piece of it...

I can pretty much hear him saying,

"I trusted you with something important,

and you disappointed me again."

I know it sounds ridiculous, but...

...I just want him to be proud of me once.

It's not ridiculous.

[Deep voice] I'm proud of you, Ben.

- [Sighs] - [Normal voice] Oh, my God.

Did you hear that? I think it's your dad.

He's here.

So, you think my dad sounded like a "Scooby-Doo" villain?

You don't know what he sounds like dead.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

- Hey, Mikey Withers! - [Laughs] Oh, wow!

- Becky Conner. - [Chuckles]

- You haven't changed. - Neither have you.

You were bald in high school, weren't you?

[Chuckling] Oh.

All right. All right. I see how this is gonna go.

You somehow got blonder.

Oh, I spend a lot of time in the sun.

Walking to the drugstore to get bleach.

[Both laugh]

I guess we both tested negative for COVID, so we can hug, right?

Absolutely.

Oh, it's so great to see you.

- You, too. - So many good times.

Oh, do you remember when we cut class

to go to the Pink Floyd laser light show at the planetarium?

We were the only people there who weren't high.

We were just into lasers.

- Nerd. - Nerd.

[Chuckles]

You know, I just realized that the last time I saw you,

you were going off to start college early in Minnesota.

Oh, right. College. Yeah.

I lived in the library.

If I could go back in time and tell younger Becky,

I would say, "Get your nose out of that physics book

and go have some fun."

That sounds like you.

Where'd you do your post grad?

At a little private school.

In Denmark.

What's it called?

Have you ever heard of Vasterflagen?

No.

[Chuckles] Nobody has.

You don't apply. They find you.

So, I did a little cyber-stalking,

and you've done very well for yourself, too.

You're a civil engineer?

Well, I sometimes lose my temper, but I try to be civil.

[Laughs] Wow.

So, it must be really cool to have your own firm, right?

I do okay.

But I actually owe a lot of my success to you.

- Really? - [Chuckles] Yeah.

In school, you were my pace car.

I just wanted to be as smart as Becky Conner.

I busted my ass to keep up with you.

Well... congratulations.

I think you've done that and more.

That's enough about me.

I want to hear what you've been up to.

I'm in the restaurant game.

Is it a chain? Is it something I've heard of?

Not yet.

Not in this country.

Uh, my aunt and I started one in Lanford,

and I took the reins and expanded it,

and now I mostly deal in franchises and, um,

supporting the, uh, corporate direction of the company.

Well, your folks must be really proud of you.

Yeah.

The best part is, I was able to pay off my dad's house.

[Voice breaking] He's retired now, and...

all he does is fish and drink beer.

[Chuckles]

Just couldn't be happier.

And I have a baby whose future is secure.

So, yeah...

life couldn't be better.

Hey.

Don't be embarrassed to get emotional.

I felt the same way when I helped my family.

[Laughs] Okay.

So, I remembered how much you loved wine coolers

back in high school,

so I figured you graduated to a nice Sancerre.

Thank you.

To us.

To becoming the people we were meant to be.

To us.

Mmm.

Okay.

Oh! Look at this dessert.

A double chocolate soufflé volcano.

What do you say?

We can be bad for one night, right?

Sure. What the hell.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

Ooh, I'm starved. What's for breakfast?

Tuna salad sandwich.

We had bacon and sausage for dinner last night.

Why didn't we just switch them around?

Sausage was about to go bad. Tuna expires tomorrow.

We don't make the deadlines, we just live by them.

Oh, good. The tuna.

I could hear the can ticking in the pantry.

Hard pass.

Look, I know you're still upset

about Ben not wanting to give you a piece of the store.

You're damn right I am. Having a piece of that store

is the only chance I have of making some real money.

Louise and I aren't getting any younger.

If I have a few dollars,

she can quit serving old drunks at Casita Bonita.

Oh, that's sweet. Then she'll just have

one old drunk to serve.

You just don't get how hard this is on Ben, though.

If he gives up a piece of the store,

it's like he's letting his father down.

Because of me, the store's making a go of it.

How is that letting his father down?

He's like a little kid

that's still trying to get his dad's approval.

He's a grown man. I'm sorry he's got daddy issues.

I don't have daddy issues.

What the hell, Darlene?

You're talking about stuff that I told you in private?

Well, I-I'm sorry. I was just trying to explain

how upset you were. I didn't tell him you cried.

Oh, my God! Will you stop doing that?

You know what? You guys are both stubborn idiots.

You guys need each other, and you're too stupid to see it.

I'm not stupid. He's stupid.

- Stupid is as stupid does. - Oh, really?

You're gonna argue with me by quoting "Forrest Gump"?

You know, I try to help you out, give you a job,

and this is how you repay me?

Well, I'm not setting foot in that damn store

until you do what's right.

Well, if you're not coming into work

unless I give you a piece, then don't come into work.

Oh, what? Now you're firing me?

No, he's not firing you. He's giving you a raise.

We're going back to the raise, right?

- That's where it all went wrong. - No, look,

if you're not coming into work, then you're quitting.

Well, I'm not quitting, so I guess you're firing me.

Well, yeah, I guess I'm firing you!

Well, I guess I'm throwing you out of my house!

Whoa! This has gotten way out of control.

We do not throw people out. We just take people in.

No. It's fine, Darlene.

I don't even want to be here anyway.

Dad, I pay rent, too. You can't just kick him out.

This is still my house.

And if you don't like it, you can go with him.

Well, I just might.

You know, and I'm gonna leave Harris with you.

That's how upset I am!

God, why can't I leave this kitchen without yelling at you?

No, you don't need to leave.

My dad is gonna cool down.

Just stop packing, and let's talk about it.

Where is my denim shirt?

Uh, it's in the wash.

I wore it, so you might as well stay until I do laundry.

What? I-I-I wear your shirts all the time.

You do? Really?

Yeah. We're like the same size.

I don't need this crap.

Look, you don't have to go, all right?

My dad does not make all the decisions around here.

I pay rent, too.

And I would have given him a raise!

How much more do I have to give, Darlene?

I mean, we gave up a place of our own

so we could move in here and help him pay the mortgage.

He needed a job, and I gave him one.

Now, instead of being grateful,

he thanks me by throwing me out of the house?

Enough is enough.

No, I know, but...

what about us?

I don't want to sleep in bed without you.

I don't want to live apart from you.

Well, I don't want to sleep without you, either,

so come with me.

You know, if we pool our money,

we can get a nice little apartment.

How can I move out now?

You fired him, you're not gonna pay rent,

and then I'm gonna bail?

I can't hang him out to dry like that.

Right.

Well, I want to be with you, so...

whenever you figure out what you want, let me know.

Where are you going?

Well, right now, I am gonna go sleep at the hardware store.

I put up a nice little camping display last week,

so I'm gonna turn on my little tissue paper campfire and...

play my harmonica.

Well, call me to say good night, okay?

[Sighs] I will.

[Door closes]

♪♪

Beer at 9:00 in the morning?

Was it about to expire?

Ben fired Dad, and Dad kicked Ben out of the house.

Ugh.

It'll blow over.

Not this time.

[Sighs] What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Hey, how'd your dinner with Mikey go?

Well, I'll give you a clue.

I did my post grad work at Vasterflagen in Denmark.

Hopefully, he won't figure out it's a vanity bench from Ikea.

- You have any fun? - Oh, yeah.

He's a good guy.

[Sighs]

I had a glass of wine.

What?

I had to. It was one drink.

No, you didn't have to.

You're an alcoholic. You can't have one drink.

I didn't guzzle the bottle and have sex with him on the table.

Oh, well, shut my mouth. You're cured.

I know I screwed up.

If I was going to keep drinking, I wouldn't have said anything.

Or maybe you're just trying to throw me off the scent.

I know your kind can be tricky that way.

You know what? I did it.

I won't do it again.

End of story.

Please don't tell Dad.

Okay.

But just know...

I'm here if you need me.

I'm here for you, too.

You're just trying to cozy up to me so you can get my beer.

Actually, I was talking to the beer.

Hey, there.

Heard about what happened with you and Ben.

Yeah, I really don't want to talk about it.

Business and family, yeah, that's tough.

When me and Roseanne worked together at The Lunch Box,

we fought like cats and dogs.

Better now. Go away.

[Chuckles] Yeah, there was this time

where, uh, she told me

she thought my loose meat could use a little bit more salt.

So, I held the spatula on the grill till it turned red-hot,

and I went after her with that. [Chuckles]

There was this time

where she didn't like the guy that I was dating...

Yeah.

But it was different with you and Roseanne.

You had a complicated sister relationship.

Also, she thought you were an unhinged fruitcake.

And what was her favorite dessert at Christmas?

French apple pie.

She loved me, and you can't stand it!