Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS., INC.

♪ WHEN I FALL IN LOVE ♪

♪ IT WILL BE FOREVER ♪

♪ OR I'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE ♪

♪ IN A RESTLESS WORLD ♪

♪ LIKE THIS IS ♪

♪ LOVE IS ENDED BEFORE IT'S BEGUN ♪

♪ AND TOO MANY MOONLIGHT KISSES ♪

♪ SEEM TO COOL IN THE WARMTH OF THE SUN ♪

♪ WHEN I GIVE MY HEART ♪

♪ IT WILL BE COMPLETELY ♪

♪ OR I'LL NEVER GIVE MY HEART ♪

♪ AND THE MOMENT ♪

♪ I CAN FEEL THAT ♪

♪ YOU FEEL THAT WAY, TOO ♪

♪ IS WHEN I FALL IN LOVE ♪

♪ WITH YOU... ♪

AND THE BIG RUNNING

OF THE LIVINGSTONE FAMILY CUP RACE!

AND THERE THEY GO! WOO!

WHERE'S MINE? OH, NO!

NO, NO! LOOK, DADDY'S IS STUCK.

OH, NO!

COME ON, PEPSI!

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU?

OH! OH! OH!

♪ AND THE MOMENT ♪

♪ I CAN FEEL THAT ♪

♪ YOU FEEL THAT WAY, TOO ♪

♪ IS WHEN I FALL IN LOVE ♪

♪ WITH YOU ♪♪

ALL RIGHT, TIME'S UP.

I WISH EVERY DAY WAS A HOLIDAY.

THEN YOU WOULDN'T APPRECIATE IT.

OH, MOMMY, THERE'D BE JUST MORE TO APPRECIATE.

YOU'RE NOT SETTING A VERY GOOD E-X-A--

M-P-L-E.

RIGHT.

YOU TAUGHT THEM HOW TO SPELL, NEENIE.

"WE WENT TO A SECRET PLACE BENEATH THE PIER."

WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY FOUND?

A SUBMARINE?

A TIME MACHINE.

YOU WORRY TOO MUCH, MOMMY.

BACK TO THE DINOSAURS.

THAT'S TOMORROW'S STORY.

GOOD NIGHT, MY SWEET GIRL.

GOOD NIGHT, MY BILLY BOY.

YOU STAY UP TOO LATE, NEENIE.

I'M TELLING YOUR DOCTOR.

NIGHT.

NIGHT, BILLY BOY.

GOOD NIGHT, DADDY.

♪ SEE YOU IN THE MORNING ♪

♪ SEE YOU IN THE EVENING ♪

♪ SEE YOU IN THE SUMMERTIME ♪

♪ DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO ♪♪

YOU ALL RIGHT?

WE HAVE TO HAVE A TALK.

WHAT ABOUT?

US.

US?

OK, HERE WE ARE.

GO AHEAD, PETEY.

SHOW GEORGE HIS NEW HOME.

WHAT ROOM DO THEY WANT THIS THING IN?

OK, TIME FOR BED.

IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.

CAN WE PLAY ONE HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK GAME?

TWO MINUTES.

OK.

WHO'S HIDING?

WE ARE.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

OK, HERE I COME.

ANYONE AROUND MY BASE IS "IT."

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT YOU!

NO FAIR!

THERE'S A SECRET PANEL IN THIS ROOM. HERE.

HMM? HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE,

HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE.

LOOK AT THIS.

A FAMILY JUST LIKE US

WELCOMED IN THE NEW CENTURY

IN THIS VERY ROOM.

I BET THERE ARE GHOSTS IN THIS HOUSE.

IF THERE ARE, THEY'RE COZY, FRIENDLY GHOSTS

WHO WILL WATCH OVER US.

WHY?

BECAUSE WE LOVE THEIR HOUSE.

MOM, WILL WE LIVE IN THIS HOUSE FOREVER?

MAYBE YOUR DADDY AND I WILL.

YOU AND PETEY WILL GO AND GET MARRIED

AND HAVE YOUR OWN HOUSES.

WE'LL ALWAYS COME BACK FOR THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS.

AND YOU'LL BRING YOUR CHILDREN.

AND WE'LL INTRODUCE THEM

TO ALL THE FRIENDLY GHOSTS.

AND EVERYBODY AND EVERY SPIRIT

IN THIS HOUSE

WILL BE HAPPY.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO

IF I COULD NEVER GIVE ANOTHER CONCERT?

THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

YOUR HAND'S GETTING BETTER ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER TO MY QUESTION.

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING STOPS]

HAPPY WEDDING DAY, MY LOVE.

[PIANO PLAYING]

[MUSIC BECOMING DISCORDANT]

[CROWD MURMURS]

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID IT.

WE SPOKE TO HIM LAST NIGHT, YOU KNOW.

HE WAS ACTUALLY COMFORTING US.

HE SAID HIS LEFT HAND

HAD TO BECOME PARALYZED AGAIN DURING A CONCERT

TO SQUEEZE A DROP OF FEELING

FROM THOSE AWFUL LONDON CRITICS.

HE SAID HE SENT YOU HOME TO REASSURE THE CHILDREN

AND HE WAS STAYING A FEW DAYS.

HE'D GET HIMSELF TOGETHER.

DO THE CHILDREN KNOW?

THEY'RE IN SCHOOL.

THEN I SAID,

YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU.

HE SAID, I CAN ALWAYS WRITE MOVIE MUSIC.

YOU DON'T NEED TWO HANDS

TO PICK UP AN ACADEMY AWARD,

AND WE ALL LAUGHED.

HE ASKED ME TO LEAVE THE SLEEPING PILLS.

IT'S MY TURN TO WALK GEORGE.

BUT YOU FORGOT TO FEED HIM.

DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF.

YOU WANT ME TO STAY?

HI, MOM.

HI, AUNT SIDNEY.

I'M HOME ALL DAY IF YOU NEED ME.

HI, MOM.

PETEY, DON'T FORGET TO CLEAN AFTER GEORGE.

YOU ALWAYS FORGET. WE'LL GET FINED.

GEORGIE PORGIE, COME HERE.

MOMMY?

WHAT'S WRONG?

[CRASH]

[FOOTSTEPS]

MOMMY.

I'M SORRY THAT I WOKE YOU UP.

CAREFUL OF YOUR HANDS.

I'LL DIVIDE THEM

BETWEEN PETEY'S ROOM AND MINE.

YOU WANT TO CRAWL INTO MY BED

THE WAY YOU USED TO?

I PRACTICALLY HAD TO FORCE PETEY

TO STOP PRACTICING LAST NIGHT.

I THINK HE'S TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR

ALL THE PRACTICING HE DIDN'T DO

WHEN DADDY WAS ALIVE.

MOM?

HMM?

DID YOU EVER LOOK LIKE ME?

YOUR BODY IS JUST LIKE YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S.

SHE WAS SO DISAPPOINTED

WHEN I DIDN'T GET HER ROUNDED LINES.

HOW I LONGED TO BE FULL-BREASTED.

YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT.

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

DADDY ALWAYS SAID

I'D GROW UP TO LOOK JUST LIKE YOU.

OH, I'D MUCH RATHER YOU GREW UP TO LOOK

JUST LIKE YOURSELF.

OH, MOM.

OH, CATHY.

OH, HOW WOULD I HAVE GOTTEN BY WITHOUT YOU?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

HELLO?

LARRY?

OH, JO, WHAT IS IT?

THE KIDS WON'T BE ON TWA.

THEY'RE ON BRITISH AIRWAYS-- THE CONCORDE.

MORTY ARRANGED IT THROUGH THE COMPANY.

IT ARRIVES AT 9 A.M.

I'LL BE THERE.

NEENIE ASKED WHAT SHE SHOULD SEND

FOR A WEDDING PRESENT.

I HAD TO SAY, "I'M NOT THE BRIDE."

LARRY?

HMM?

GOOD LUCK.

BYE.

THANKS.

BYE, JO.

WELL, SHE HASN'T EXACTLY WITHERED AWAY, HAS SHE?

I HATE TO SAY IT,

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE SEPARATION AGREES WITH HER.

SHE'S ONE OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS,

BUT SHE'S HARDLY IRREPLACEABLE.

THERE'S AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN. BETH!

COME AND TAKE OUR PICTURE!

SHE'S A SAINT.

THAT'S THE ONLY KIND OF WOMAN

WHO'LL GO OUT WITH YOU.

BETH GOODWIN, THIS IS LARRY LIVINGSTONE.

LARRY SHRINKS WITH MARTIN AT HAYS-WILLIAMSON

WHERE YOU CAN'T TELL DOCTORS FROM THE PATIENTS.

WE'VE MET HERE.

OH, YEAH.

BETH IS A TERRIFIC PHOTOGRAPHER

WHO'D BE A HOUSEHOLD WORD

IF SHE HADN'T DEVOTED HER LIFE TO HER FAMILY.

SHE'S ALSO A WONDERFUL WOMAN.

HE'S A SHIT,

SO I'M SURE YOU'LL BE HAPPY.

I'M TRYING TO GUESS WHICH ONE OF US

IS MORE EMBARRASSED.

I'D SAY ME.

YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

THE BIG SECRET SIDNEY WANTS ME TO REVEAL

IS IT'S OUR 20th ANNIVERSARY.

[APPLAUSE]

SIDNEY WAS AFRAID I'D SPEND IT AT THE HOSPITAL

THAT SHE INVITED YOU TO KEEP ME HOME.

MY HUSBAND DR. SENTIMENTAL.

WE ASKED YOU ALL HERE

BECAUSE YOU SWEATED OUT THOSE YEARS

WE TRIED TO MAKE A BABY,

AND YOU WERE GREAT.

YOU MADE US GODPARENTS,

THE RUNNER-UP AWARD OF THE INFERTILE.

AS EACH MONTH, WE HELD OUR BREATH AND WAITED

FOR THAT ONE, BRIEF, SHINING, FERTILE MOMENT, THERMOMETER AT HAND.

NOW, MARTIN JUST HAS TO HOLD UP A THERMOMETER,

AND PANTING WILDLY, I RUN INTO HIS ARMS.

SO WE THREW IN THE TOWEL,

AND WE GOT FIVE GREAT KIDS,

AND EAT YOUR HEARTS OUT,

THEY CAN ALL SPEAK A FOREIGN LANGUAGE.

ANYONE INTERESTED IN THE SOAP OPERA RIGHTS,

CONTACT MY LAWYER.

MEANWHILE, EAT, DRINK, AND CELEBRATE WITH US.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

AND SO, MADAME, WE MEET AGAIN.

TIME HAS NOT BEEN UNKIND TO YOU, MY DEAR.

THIS IS JACK BARLOW. THIS IS LARRY.

HI.

I RECOGNIZE YOU FROM YOUR PICTURES.

HOW YOU BEEN?

GOOD.

I'M TAKING THE KIDS SKIING THIS WEEKEND.

I WANTED TO TAKE THEM TO SEE NEENIE.

IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TAKE THEM SKIING NEXT WEEKEND.

THANK YOU.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YES.

TA-TA.

BYE.

HEY, HOW ABOUT SOME DIN-DIN ONE NIGHT THIS WEEK?

I CAN'T. I'M SO BUSY.

I'M GOING TO LEAVE FOR EUROPE NEXT WEEK.

YOU KNOW, NEW ADS, SAME OLD THING.

IT'S ON TO EUROPE.

ARE YOU GETTING ONE OF YOUR HEADACHES?

NO.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, BON VOYAGE.

LISTEN, EVERYBODY!

YOU CAN'T EAT TILL WE DANCE.

OK, COME ON, GET UP.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE DIN-DIN?

OH, BUSTER.

DR. BUSTER.

DON'T YOU KNOW THERE IS NOTHING MORE UNLOVABLE

THAN A MAN WHO'S LOST HIS PRIDE?

SORRY.

YOU OK?

A LITTLE MIGRAINE.

A LITTLE ONE-- THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

ARE YOU HERE WITH ANYONE?

NO.

IF YOU LIKE, I'LL TAKE YOU HOME.

IT'S POSSIBLE WE'RE RELATED.

[HORN HONKS]

WANT TO WALK FOR A WHILE?

WELL, YOU'VE UNFURROWED.

YOU'VE STOPPED PERSPIRING.

THANK YOU.

FOR WHAT? YOU SAVED MY ASS.

YOU HAD A MORE EXTENSIVE HEADACHE THAN I THOUGHT.

SORRY FOR THE VULGARITY.

I WAS THANKING YOU FOR SAVING MINE.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

I COULD USE A LITTLE NIGHTCAP.

WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE NIGHTCAP?

HOW'D YOU KNOW?

MOM?

[DOG BARKING]

DARLING, I'M HOME.

THIS IS GEORGE,

THE LOUDEST DOG PER SQUARE INCH.

PETEY! CALL GEORGE!

GEORGE, COME HERE!

GEORGE, COME HERE!

HI, SWEETHEART.

OH, GREAT, MOM, YOU'RE HOME.

THIS IS LARRY LIVINGSTONE.

MY DAUGHTER CATHY.

HI.

HI, I'M PETEY.

HELLO.

WE AGREED YOU WOULDN'T PRACTICE THE CELLO AFTER 10:00.

WANT SOME ICE?

I WANT YOU TO GO TO BED.

WHAT DO YOU DO, LARRY?

PETEY.

I'M A PSYCHIATRIST, I'M AFRAID.

MOM SENT ME TO ONE ONCE,

BUT I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

YOU REFUSED TO GO.

YOU DIDN'T GO TO ANDOVER, DID YOU?

NO.

GOOD NIGHT, CATHY.

I'M GOING THERE NEXT YEAR.

OK, SEE YOU AROUND, MAYBE.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT THAT NIGHTCAP?

WE HAVE VODKA, SCOTCH, GIN, COGNAC.

OH, I NEVER DRINK AFTER A MIGRAINE.

COFFEE?

THOSE KIDS SEEM RELIEVED TO GET YOU BACK HOME.

WHEN YOU LOSE ONE PARENT,

YOU KEEP WAITING

FOR THE OTHER ONE TO FALL.

[CELLO PLAYING]

PETEY, WE AGREED!

WELL, THAT'S A NEW ONE.

A KID WHO PRACTICES TOO MUCH.

YOU MIND IF I SEE YOUR WORK?

MY WORK?

YOUR, UH, PHOTOGRAPHS.

I DO BAR MITZVAHS, WEDDINGS,

FRIENDS' ANNIVERSARIES.

BREAD AND BUTTER STUFF.

WHY'D YOU WANT TO SEE MY PHOTGRAPHS?

WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED?

FIRST MAN WHO'S EVER ASKED.

WOULD YOU RATHER I REQUESTED

A SAMPLE OF YOUR BAKING?

HA HA HA.

WHOA!

HA HA HA.

THIS IS A PORTFOLIO OF MY HUSBAND.

FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS OF HIS LIFE,

HE SUFFERED FROM CHRONIC PARALYSIS

OF HIS LEFT HAND.

THAT WAS GOING TO BE

A PHOTOGRAPHIC ESSAY

OF HIS RECOVERY AND COMEBACK,

BUT THE PARALYSIS RETURNED.

THESE ARE WONDERFUL PHOTOGRAPHS.

HE WAS A WONDERFUL SUBJECT.

WHAT?

I'M THINKING OF SIDNEY'S REACTION

WHEN I TELL HER

WE SPENT THE EVENING LOOKING AT PHOTOGRAPHS

OF MY LATE HUSBAND.

THAT'S NO WAY TO ATTRACT A MAN.

EXACTLY.

WELL, YOU CARED

ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND.

THAT'S UH...THAT'S HARDLY UNATTRACTIVE.

DON'T ROMANTICIZE ME BECAUSE MY HUSBAND DIED.

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

ALL RIGHT, LARRY. TIME TO GO.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T

THE WORLD'S CHAMPION SON-IN-LAW.

I WOULD HAVE CALLED,

BUT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SAY NO.

I CAN'T REMEMBER

THE LAST TIME I SAID NO

OR THE LAST TIME SOMEONE ASKED.

MISSING YOUR NIGHTLY NEWS.

OH, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE WORLD

IF I MISSED MY NIGHTLY NEWS?

IT'S JO! IT'S JO!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

SANTIR.

TO FEEL ALIVE.

HA HA HA!

[TURNS OFF TELEVISION]

I'VE ASKED JO FOR A DIVORCE.

WHAT WAS HER REACTION?

HMM, SHE CRIED ADORABLY,

INSISTED I TAKE HER OUT TO DINNER.

SHE REMINISCED ABOUT THE GOOD TIMES.

WHEN I TOOK HER HOME, SHE CRIED ADORABLY AGAIN.

ONE OF THE MOST SENTIMENTAL EVENINGS

OF OUR MARRIAGE.

NEXT MORNING SHE CALLED ME TO COME OVER

SO WE COULD BREAK IT TO THE KIDS.

HOW DID THEY REACT?

I FELT LIKE A TRAPPER

IN THE ARCTIC SMASHING BABY SEALS.

IF ONLY YOU'D GIVEN HER MORE TIME.

FOR WHAT? MORE COMPARISON TESTS

WITH THE COMPETING PRODUCTS?

YOU HAVE ONE GREAT FLAW-- YOUR JEALOUSY.

WELL, IT'S ALL THIS JEALOUSY

THAT'S TURNED OUT TO BE

A PRECISE EVALUATION OF THE TRUTH.

DISTRUST CAN BE

A SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY.

DID I STOP HER FROM BECOMING MISS SANTIR, HUH?

DID I MENTION

TRAVELING HALF THE TIME?

ONE MINUTE YOU TELL HER

HOW PROUD OF HER YOU WERE,

AND THE NEXT

THAT SHE'D SOLD HER BIRTHRIGHT

FOR A MESS OF POWDER.

THAT'S NOT A BAD LINE,

IF YOU LIKE IRONY.

YOUR BEST LINES SENT DAGGERS

THROUGH YOUR WIFE.

I RESORT TO IRONY WHEN I'M INSECURE.

OUT OF ALL THE MEN WHO WANTED HER,

SHE CHOSE YOU.

WHY WERE YOU SO INSECURE?

I HAD MISS ALL-AMERICA SLEEPING IN MY BED.

I JUST COULD NOT BELIEVE MY LUCK.

CALL ME AN OLD WITCH,

BUT I STILL THINK YOU'LL GET BACK TOGETHER.

[BELL RINGS]

BETH.

HI THERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I HELP OUT ONE AFTERNOON A WEEK,

BRINGING BOOKS TO THE PATIENTS.

SIDNEY CALLS IT CONSCIENCE WORK.

HOW COME I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU HERE BEFORE?

PERHAPS YOU WEREN'T LOOKING.

YOU'RE IN LINE FOR THE PHONE?

I NEED TO LET MY KIDS KNOW I'LL BE LATE

BECAUSE OF THE STORM.

USE THE PHONE IN MY OFFICE.

I REALLY HAVE BEEN MEANING TO CALL YOU.

NOT THAT I THINK YOU'RE WAITING BY THE PHONE...

OH, NO. NOT FOR A YEAR.

A YEAR?

SIDNEY AND MARTIN ARE HAVING ANOTHER ANNIVERSARY

NEXT MONTH.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I'M FINE.

JUST SITTING OUT THE STORM AT THE HOSPITAL.

DON'T WAIT FOR ME FOR DINNER.

BYE.

YOU MUST UNDERSTAND IT WAS THE ILLNESS SPEAKING,

NOT YOUR WIFE.

IF YOU'D LIKE ME TO SPEAK TO YOUR CHILDREN,

JUST TELL ME.

I KNOW HOW TRAUMATIC

THIS MUST BE FOR THEM.

BRING THEM IN TO SEE ME TOMORROW.

YOU HAVE MY HOME NUMBER.

ANYTIME YOU FEEL YOU WANT TO TALK, DON'T HESITATE.

I WISH I COULD HAVE SPARED YOU THIS.

GOOD-BYE, NOW.

YOU'RE A NICE MAN.

HA!

DURING OFFICE HOURS.

11 MONTHS. CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

THE LAST TIME I TOLD A WOMAN

I WAS GOING TO CALL AND DIDN'T FOR THAT LONG,

I WOUND UP...

YOU'RE A FUNNY MAN.

MMM. FUNNY WEIRD.

THAT'S WHY I BECAME A PSYCHIATRIST.

I WANTED THE COMPANY.

EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.

PAGING MRS. BETH GOODWIN.

TELEPHONE CALL FOR MRS. GOODWIN.

HELLO?

HELLO, MRS. GOODWIN? THIS IS DR. LIVINGSTONE HERE.

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO CALL.

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO TAKE A WALK IN THE RAIN.

COULD YOU WAIT WHILE I CHECK MY CALENDAR?

OF COURSE.

HA HA!

DR. LIVINGSTONE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD, UH...

TRUST THOSE FIRST INSTINCTS

THAT TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL.

WHY?

YOU'RE IN BETTER SHAPE

THAN YOU WERE 11 MONTHS AGO,

AND SO, I THINK, AM I.

WELL, WE DON'T NEED ANYTHING

THAT WILL INTERFERE WITH OUR RECUPERATIONS.

I'LL JUST WALK YOU HOME AND SAY GOOD NIGHT.

I MEAN IT.

TAXI!

SON OF A BITCH!

I'D ASK YOU IN--

OH, NO. WE PROMISED.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

DO YOU, UH...

DO YOU LIKE SPAGHETTI PRIMAVERA?

SPAGHETTI PRIMAVERA?

YEAH. I MAKE A DYNAMITE SPAGHETTI PRIMAVERA.

FRIDAY NIGHT,

MY PLACE, DINNER?

BRITISH AIRWAYS CONCORDE PASSENGERS ARRIVING FROM LONDON

WITH CONNECTING FLIGHTS IN NEW YORK,

PLEASE CHECK IN

AT THE BRITISH AIRWAYS INFORMATION COUNTER.

BRITISH AIRWAYS CONCORDE PASSENGERS ARRIVING FROM LONDON

WITH CONNECTING FLIGHTS IN NEW YORK,

PLEASE CHECK IN...

YOU MADE IT, HUH?

THERE THEY ARE.

HELLO.

HELLO.

OK. I WANT EVERYBODY TO MEET EVERYBODY.

ROBIN AND BILLY,

THIS IS CATHY AND PETEY.

BETH, THE BIG ONE, IS MY BRIDE-TO-BE.

ARE WE GLAD TO SEE YOU.

Robin.

SO TELL THEM

I'M NOT SUCH A MONSTER TO LIVE WITH.

HE'S NOT SUCH A MONSTER.

THAT WASN'T EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

HE HARDLY EVER BEATS US. RIGHT, BILLY?

HARDLY.

TRUCE.

BILLY, WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?

PLAY SOCCER AND BASEBALL.

THAT'S GREAT.

MAYBE SOMEDAY WE COULD PLAY CATCH IN THE PARK.

ME AND YOUR DAD ALWAYS PLAY CATCH.

IN A COUPLE OF HOURS, WE'LL BE BROTHERS.

[APPLAUSE]

...WINS, 6-2, 6-1.

SENTIR.

TO FEEL ALIVE.

I DON'T SEE WHY YOU'RE UPSET.

ALL I SAID WAS JO HAPPENED TO BE IN TOWN--

WE HAD DINNER-- TO GO OVER THE DIVORCE.

SOME COLUMNIST CONCLUDED THERE'D BE A RECONCILIATION.

IT WASN'T LIKE A DATE, EXACTLY.

AND WHAT IF IT HAD BEEN A DATE?

I NEVER TOLD YOU TO STOP SEEING OTHER MEN.

I STILL DON'T MEAN THAT MUCH TO YOU.

OH, COME ON.

I KNOW YOU NEEDED TIME.

EVERYONE SAID JO DID A JOB ON YOU.

DON'T BLAME JO.

HER ONE GREAT TALENT WAS SEDUCING MEN.

MARRIAGE INTERFERED WITH HER VOCATION.

IT'S ALWAYS JO.

WOULD YOU GET OUT?

I REALLY--

I SAID GET OUT!

[PLAYING MOZART]

I PROPOSED TO YOU IN WRITING.

SHOULD I SAY THANK YOU?

THANK YOU.

IT WAS NOTHING.

IT JUST MEANT OVERCOMING TERROR, PANIC, FEAR.

YOU CALL THAT A PROPOSAL?

I CALL THIS A CONFESSION,

BUT I CALL THAT A PROPOSAL.

AND YOUR ANSWER, A REJECTION.

THAT IS WHAT THIS IS REALLY ALL ABOUT.

YOU WILL DO ANYTHING TO AVOID ONE MORE REJECTION,

EVEN MARRY ME.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, I TAKE THE "THANK YOU" BACK.

I REALIZE I SHOULD SHUT MY MOUTH,

BUT I THINK YOU'RE NUTS TO TURN HIM DOWN.

I KNOW THAT YOU THINK

THAT MARTIN IS AN IDEAL HUSBAND.

HE IS.

WELL, HE ALMOST LEFT ME

BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS A ROTTEN ONE.

HE THOUGHT AN IDEAL HUSBAND

SHOULD GIVE HIS WIFE A CHILD.

YOU SAID THE PROBLEM WAS WITH YOU.

IT TURNS OUT HIS SPERM COUNT WASN'T UP TO SNUFF.

HE TOLD ME TO HAVE ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION.

I SAID I WASN'T ANY HALFWAY GIRL.

THEY GAVE HIM SOME DISGUSTING, AWFUL FISH EXTRACT

TO INCREASE HIS COUNT.

HE FELT DEGRADED BECAUSE HE REEKED OF FISH.

I SAID IT WAS JUST HIS IMAGINATION,

BUT, IN TRUTH, IT WAS LIKE SLEEPING WITH A MACKEREL.

THE NEXT THING I KNEW,

I WAS FINDING WOMEN'S NAMES AND PHONE NUMBERS

IN HIS TROUSERS.

AND HE WAS SMELLING OF THE PERFUME

I'D GIVEN THE NURSES FOR CHRISTMAS AT THE HOSPITAL.

HE WAS SCREWING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT

AND MAKING SURE I KNEW ABOUT IT.

WE WENT THROUGH A LONELY HELL,

BUT WE STUCK IT OUT, THANK GOD.

LARRY RESPONDED TO JO DUMPING ON HIM

THE SAME WAY MARTIN DID

TO HIS INABILITY TO MAKE A KID.

EVERY NIGHT HE BROUGHT A DIFFERENT BIMBO

TO OUR HOUSE FOR DINNER,

WHO LOOKED AT HIM WITH GAGA EYES.

YOU KNOW,

SOMETIMES I THINK ALL THAT TERRIFIC MALE EQUIPMENT

JUST HANGS THERE BY A THREAD.

[PRACTICING CELLO]

HEY, MOM.

HI, HONEY.

COULD I HAVE A GLASS OF MILK?

AND A COOKIE?

OR TWO?

I HAD A FEW MORE THINGS TO SAY.

HOW DID YOU GET IN?

I RANG THE DOORBELL. PETEY LET ME IN.

YOU ARE A SHIT...

INVOLVING HIM IN OUR AFFAIRS.

BETH.

BETH...

I'M A SHIT,

BUT SOMEHOW I'VE GOT TO PROVE TO YOU

THAT I AM A SHIT IN LOVE WITH YOU.

HEAR ME OUT.

IF YOU STILL DON'T WANT TO SEE ME,

I PROMISE I'LL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN.

I REALIZE I'VE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE...

EVEN TELLING YOU IN BED THAT I WASN'T IN LOVE.

THAT'S UNFORGIVABLE.

WATCH OUT. YOU'RE LOSING GROUND.

BUT DON'T YOU SEE?

SWEETHEART, NO MATTER WHAT I SAID,

I ACTED LIKE A MAN IN LOVE.

OTHERWISE, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CONTINUED THE AFFAIR.

PETEY, KNOCK IT OFF!

PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP.

NOW THE TOUGH PART.

ALL I BRING TO YOU ARE ROTTEN ODDS,

A LACK OF CONFIDENCE,

BASED ON A ROTTEN BATTING AVERAGE AS A HUSBAND.

AND WITH THESE GIFTS...

I'M ASKING FOR YOUR HAND IN MARRIAGE.

THAT'S THE DAMNEDEST PROPOSAL ANY WOMAN EVER HAD.

LAWRENCE LIVINGSTONE, DO YOU TAKE BETH GOODWIN

TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE, TO HAVE AND TO HOLD,

TO CHERISH TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

I DO.

HYAAH!

THAT'S NICE.

SO YOU DECIDED TO HAVE NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH MUSICIANS?

I'M ON BETH'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY.

I'M HER AUNT MATILDA.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

LISTEN, EVERYBODY. WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

TEAR UP THE MARRIAGE PAPER. BETH HAS CHANGED HER MIND.

SHE WILL MARRY ME.

WHAT'S A WOMAN'S LIFE WITHOUT A GREAT CONDUCTOR?

SHRINKS YOU CAN RENT BY THE HOUR.

I'M A FRIEND. I INTRODUCED THEM.

YOU ARE LARRY'S BROTHER'S WIFE?

DANA.

YOU'RE THE NURSE.

IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU TWO GUYS TOGETHER.

I CAN'T TELL YOU.

SOMETIMES I WANTED TO BASH YOUR HEADS TOGETHER.

YES?

UH-OH. I'M SUPPOSED TO MINGLE.

COME ON!

[ARF! ARF!]

YOU'LL BE HAPPY THIS TIME. I FEEL IT IN MY BONES.

I SHOULD HAVE CONSULTED THOSE BONES THE FIRST TIME.

BETH'S GOT HER TWO FEET ON THE GROUND.

WHERE DO YOU EXPECT TO FIND THEM?

YOU ALWAYS MAKE A JOKE.

I WAS BETH'S AUNT BY MARRIAGE--

THAT IS, THE FIRST MARRIAGE.

HOW DID YOU AND FRED MEET?

WE MET IN ENGLAND.

YOUR MOTHER IS DOING HER BEST OUT THERE IN ARIZONA.

IT'S JUST THAT SHE FINDS IT DIFFICULT

TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS.

SHE'S TOO PROUD.

HE WAS TEACHING HISTORY AT THE AMERICAN SCHOOL THERE.

I THOUGHT HE'D BECOME A PROFESSOR

AT A MAJOR UNIVERSITY,

BUT LIFE NEVER TURNS OUT THE WAY YOU EXPECT.

I THINK I SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED YOU MORE.

WHEN YOU GET MY AGE,

YOU THINK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT.

YOU SEE, I WAS, UM... PETER'S--

PETER WAS BETH'S FIRST HUSBAND.

UH...

I WAS PETER'S MOTHER'S SISTER.

SO THAT MAKES ME, UH...

WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME?

[CLINKS GLASS]

I'D LIKE TO TOAST THE HAPPY COUPLE.

HA HA!

WHEN I LOOK AT THAT BIG LUMMOX,

I'M STILL AMAZED THAT THAT'S MY LARRY,

THE FAMILY RUNT.

REMEMBER, MAMA?

UH-HUH.

LARRY, ON HIS 14th BIRTHDAY, WAS SMALL

AND, UH...

BEARDLESS,

WITH A VOICE HIGHER THAN HIS MOTHER'S. REMEMBER, MAMA?

RIGHT. BUT WHAT HE REALLY WANTS TO SAY

IS HERE'S TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM.

MY VERY WORDS.

THANKS, DAD.

KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS IN LONDON,

WHERE YOU GUYS CAME FROM?

WHAT?

11:30.

It's five hours past your bedtime.

That's why you're so tired.

SARAH WROTE OUT SOME THINGS FOR ME TO SAY.

I STUDIED THEM, BUT I FORGOT.

HA HA!

HA HA!

HOW WONDERFUL IT IS

TO SEE HAPPINESS IN THIS HOUSE.

WELL, IT'S TIME FOR THE COMIC RELIEF.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I'M CRAZY ABOUT FAMILIES.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

MAYBE BECAUSE I NEVER HAD ONE.

ALL THE FAMILIES IN THE ORPHANAGE WERE ON TELEVISION.

THIS IS COMIC RELIEF?

THIS IS A WARM-UP.

MARTIN, PLEASE.

YOU'RE NOT ACCEPTING AN AWARD.

I'M TRYING TO MAKE A TOAST TO MARRIAGE.

AFTER 20 YEARS OF BEING MARRIED,

SIDNEY FINALLY GIVES IT HER APPROVAL.

DON'T WORRY. I WON'T GIVE IT AN ALL-OUT RAVE.

MARTIN AND I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED SO LONG

THAT WE DON'T REMEMBER THE NEXT MORNING

WHAT WE DID THE NIGHT BEFORE...OR IF.

IT'S LIKE DRIVING THE SAME PLACE EVERY DAY.

YOU GET THERE, BUT YOU DON'T REMEMBER DRIVING.

BUT AFTERWARDS, WHEN WE CURL UP...

I WOULDN'T TRADE THAT KNEE INSIDE THE CURVE OF MINE

FOR ANYONE'S.

WHAT CAN I WISH YOU, MY DEAR OLD FRIENDS?

HALF THE HAPPINESS THEIR MARRIAGE HAS GIVEN YOU.

YES. THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S TRUE.

♪ SHOULD AULD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT ♪

♪ AND NEVER BROUGHT-- ♪

IT'S NOT NEW YEAR'S EVE.

MARTIN, SHUT UP. SING. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

EVERYBODY SING.

♪ SHOULD AULD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT ♪

♪ FOR THE SAKE OF AULD LANG SYNE ♪♪

WHAT CAN I SAY AT THIS HISTORIC MOMENT,

AS THE FIRST RECIPIENT OF A WEDDING BAGEL

IN THE LONG ROMANTIC CHRONICLE OF MAN?

NOW THAT YOU'RE MARRIED,

YOU'RE KISSING ME-- THE STORY OF MY LIFE.

IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT,

YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.

EH?

THE BRIDE AND GROOM SEPARATED BY A HOLE

THEY'RE ABOUT TO FALL THROUGH.

TALK ABOUT YOUR AVERAGE SYMBOL.

I JUST LEFT ONE VERY HAPPY HUSBAND

IN THE CAFETERIA.

ONLY TONIGHT HE GETS HIT BY HIS NEW FAMILY.

ARE YOU REFERRING TO MY FAVORITE GODCHILDREN?

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE FIRST AND SECOND HONEYMOON

IS ON THE SECOND ONE,

YOU THINK A LOT ABOUT YOUR KIDS.

THINK...

OR WORRY?

WHO WORRIES YOU THE MOST?

CATHY, I SUPPOSE.

WHEN PETER WAS ALIVE,

SHE PRAYED EVERY NIGHT TO GOD.

I GUESS IT WAS MORE OF A NEGOTIATION.

SHE WOULD BE THE BEST LITTLE GIRL IN THE WORLD...

IF HE WOULD FIX HER DADDY'S HAND AND MAKE HIM HAPPY.

THEN HE LET HER DADDY KILL HIMSELF.

ONE DADDY GONE

AND ONE PERFECT LITTLE GIRL WHO TAKES IT

AS HER FAILURE.

NOT THAT PETEY'S ANY DIFFERENT.

I SUSPECT HE THINKS

THAT IF HE'D ONLY PRACTICED MORE,

HIS FATHER WOULD NEVER HAVE DIED.

AND YOU?

ME?

I AM THE ONE WHO FAILED.

FROM THE TIME YOU WERE 20,

YOU GAVE HIM ALMOST EVERY WAKING MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE.

WHAT COULD YOU HAVE DONE THAT YOU DIDN'T DO?

HMM?

YOU WOULDN'T BE THIS HAPPY IF PETER WERE ALIVE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

HOW DOES LARRY FEEL ABOUT THE KIDS?

THEY'RE NOT HIS PROBLEM.

AND IS THAT WHY YOU CAME HERE TO TALK TO ME?

TO PROTECT LARRY FROM YOUR KIDS?

THE WAY YOU PROTECTED PETER.

THAT'S MY JOB.

I ONLY WISH I'D DONE IT BETTER.

I WISH YOU COULD BE MORE FORGIVING OF YOURSELF.

MIGHT SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR THE KIDS.

TOUGH WORK BEING HAPPY, HUH?

LARRY, YOUR SOCKS ARE IN THE TOP LEFT DRAWER.

YOUR UNDERSHIRTS AND UNDERPANTS ARE IN THE TOP--

SLOW DOWN, GIRL. NOW, WHERE ARE MY SOCKS?

TOP RIGHT.

TOP RIGHT. YES?

YOUR SWEATERS ARE ON THE TOP SHELF.

TOP SHELF, SWEATERS.

I PUT YOUR TOOTHBRUSH ON THE RIGHT.

MINE IS ON THE LEFT.

OH! I WANT THE LEFT!

BUT THAT'S MINE! THAT'S MY SIDE!

YOU KNOW THAT. YOU'RE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE.

SO SOCKS ON THE LEFT--

OH!

PETER SAID THIS TIE RACK WAS DESIGNED BY SOMEONE

WHO'D NEVER WORN A TIE.

I'LL GET A NEW ONE.

DOES IT BOTHER YOU LIVING HERE?

IF IT DOES, WE'LL MOVE.

IT'S JUST THAT--

NO. IT REPRESENTS SECURITY TO THE KIDS.

IT BOTHERS ME A BIT.

I'LL START LOOKING.

SWEETHEART.

WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED BARELY TWO WEEKS,

AND YOU'RE ALREADY STUCK BETWEEN YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR KIDS.

LARRY, DONNIE WANTS TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

I'LL BE DOWN IN A SEC.

HE WANTS TO SHOW YOU OFF.

HE'S SO PROUD TO HAVE A FATHER.

AND ABOUT MOVING. LET'S GIVE IT A LITTLE TIME.

WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE JEANS? MMM!

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

GEORGE, STOP BEING OBNOXIOUS.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I JUST SMELL ALL WRONG TO HIS LOYAL CANINE NOSE.

NIGHT, DONNIE.

NIGHT.

NIGHT, JACKIE O.

I LOVE YOU FOR BELIEVING IN ME.

I HAVE TO GO. BYE.

WHY IS IT EVERY TIME JACKIE LOOKS AT ME

I FEEL MY FLY'S OPEN?

IT'S THE GIGGLES.

SHE'S STARTED DOING IT WITH ME.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

WE JUST GOT MARRIED.

SO?

WE'RE DOING IT.

DOING WHAT?

A MAN AND A WOMAN HER PARENTS' AGE

ARE DOING IT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

OH.

WHAT A COZY LITTLE PLACE TO HIDE OUT FROM THE WORLD.

OH.

OH!

UH! UH!

HMM? A LITTLE QUICKIE?

HERE?

YEAH.

ONLY IF YOU DO IT.

YES.

OH, GOD.

OH.

NOT WHILE THE CHILDREN ARE STILL AWAKE.

AND SO FAMILY LIFE BEGINS.

EEYAH.

NO MORE GETTING UP AT 2:30 IN THE MORNING.

WHO WAS THAT ON THE PHONE?

IT WAS BRONIE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

IT'S THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME.

YOU'RE BEHAVING LIKE A HOUSEWIFE WITH A HOBBY.

THIS IS LARRY. WHAT'S GOING ON?

LET ME HAVE IT.

LIFE WANTS TO HIRE HER

TO PHOTOGRAPH MY TOUR OF RUSSIA.

LOOK, BRONIE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON,

BUT WHATEVER IT IS,

WE'LL CALL YOU BACK IN THE MORNING.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME BACK IN RUSSIA.

I NEED ALL THE SECURITY I CAN GET.

DON'T WE ALL?

YOU CERTAINLY HAVE STRANGE IDEAS

ABOUT WHAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

ONLY THE OPPORTUNITY OF YOUR LIFE.

I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT OUR MARRIAGE WAS.

WHY SHOULD ONE PREVENT THE OTHER?

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING...

AS A PSYCHIATRIST.

UH-OH.

A WOMAN TELLS YOU THAT HER BRAND-NEW HUSBAND

WAS SO BURNED BY HIS FIRST WIFE

THAT HE SWORE HE'D NEVER TAKE ANOTHER.

NOW THE WEDDING BAND BARELY ON HER FINGER,

SHE PLANS TO DITCH HIM FOR A MONTH.

HOW WOULD YOU ADVISE HER?

WATCH OUT FOR ME.

LOVE ME, AND I'LL BE A NEEDY, GREEDY BASTARD

WHO'LL GOBBLE UP YOUR LIFE.

I CAN HANDLE THAT.

I KNOW. YOU DID IT ONCE BEFORE.

DON'T BLAME PETER.

HE CAN'T TALK BACK.

[PLAYING SCALES]

HE'LL PRACTICE ALL NIGHT IF I DON'T STOP HIM.

LET ME TAKE CARE OF THIS, OK?

HEY. YOU REALLY NEEDED THIS.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH.

OK. PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN NOW.

[GRR!]

YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE I LIKED.

ALL THE OTHERS WOULD SUCK UP TO ME AND CATHY.

THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO IMPRESS MOM.

I GLAD YOU GAVE THEM THE HEAVE-HO.

LARRY?

HMM?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING APRIL 23rd AT 3 P.M.?

APRIL 23rd, 3 P.M.?

IT'S FATHER-SON DAY AT SCHOOL.

THE FATHERS PLAY BASEBALL WITH THE SONS.

YOU PLAN AHEAD.

YOU'LL GO?

IF YOU DON'T MIND A FUMBLER FOR A STEPDAD.

LARRY?

HMM?

I'M GLAD I'M NOT GOING AWAY TO SCHOOL.

AH, ME, TOO, PAL.

DON'T SHUT IT ALL THE WAY.

HOW'S THIS?

A LITTLE LESS.

A LITTLE MORE.

THAT'S RIGHT. THANKS.

OK. NIGHT-NIGHT.

I HARDLY RECOGNIZE MYSELF.

YOU MADE ME LOOK SO GOOD.

WHOA.

WELL...

I GOT TO HIT THE SACK MYSELF.

NIGHT-NIGHT, NOW.

YOU, TOO.

♪ SEE YOU IN THE MORNIN', SEE YOU IN THE EVENIN' ♪

♪ SEE YOU IN THE SUMMERTIME ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA ♪♪

[SIREN]

DADDY?

FORGIVE ME. IT'S JUST ME.

IT'S LARRY.

OH.

UM, I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO FRIGHTEN YOU.

YOU DIDN'T FRIGHTEN ME.

I COULDN'T SLEEP.

I WAS COMING IN TO UNPACK MY BOOKS.

DON'T TELL MOM.

HEY, I BET YOU USED TO COME IN HERE AT NIGHT

TO BE NEAR YOUR DAD WHILE HE WAS WORKING.

YOU'D FALL ASLEEP,

AND YOU'D WAKE UP IN HIS ARMS.

HE'D CARRY YOU TO BED.

HOW'D YOU KNOW?

I DID THAT WITH ROBIN.

WHEN I WOKE UP AND YOU WEREN'T THERE,

I GOT FRIGHTENED.

I WANT TO MOVE.

I THINK IN THE LONG RUN

IT'LL BE BETTER FOR THE KIDS.

THIS IS THEIR FATHER'S HOUSE.

IT WILL ALWAYS BE THEIR FATHER'S HOUSE.

AND I'M NOT THEIR FATHER.

ONE OTHER THING.

THIS TRIP TO RUSSIA.

UM...

YOU'RE 36 YEARS OLD.

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME YOU DID SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF?

THESE ARE SUGGESTED MENUS

FOR THE DAYS I'LL BE AWAY.

THIS LISTS EVERYTHING IN THE FREEZER.

CATHY'S FAVORITE FOODS ARE STARRED.

DON'T EXPECT THAT SHE'LL EAT THEM.

IMPORTANT NUMBERS--

DR. LIVINGSTONE'S OFFICE,

THE DOCTOR, THE DENTIST, THE NEAREST HOSPITAL,

CATHY AND PETEY'S SCHOOLS, THE MARKET,

THE MANAGER'S OFFICE AT THE PHILHARMONIC.

THEY'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHERE I AM.

OLGA, HOW CAN I THANK YOU FOR STAYING?

THE REAL ESTATE AGENT

WILL CALL DR. LIVINGSTONE'S OFFICE

WHEN SHE'S SHOWING THE HOUSE.

BE SURE THE CHILDREN ARE IN SCHOOL THEN.

THEY'LL FIND OUT SOMETIME, SWEETHEART.

DARLING, IT COULD BE MONTHS BEFORE IT SELLS.

THE CHILDREN WILL BE MORE SETTLED.

I HADN'T COUNTED ON

CATHY'S FANTASY ABOUT GOING WITH ME.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET HER GET SO CLOSE TO ME.

YOU CAN'T SPEND YOUR LIFE

IN BONDAGE TO YOUR GUILT.

DO YOU WANT TO BET?

HA HA HA!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

GOOD-BYE, CATHY.

SHE'S GOTTEN THIS CRAZY IDEA

THAT IF SHE DOESN'T EAT, SHE'LL LOOK LIKE ME.

I WANTED BIG BREASTS LIKE MY MOTHER,

AND SHE WANTS SMALL BREASTS LIKE HER MOTHER.

SOMEBODY UP THERE'S GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR.

WHAT DID I FORGET?

DO YOU WANT TO MISS YOUR PLANE?

BYE.

OH, SWEETHEART.

I'LL BE BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

BYE-BYE, SWEETHEART.

♪ DA DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ GIVE MY REGARDS TO TOLSTOY ♪

♪ REMEMBER ME TO OLD RED SQUARE ♪♪

HEY!

MOM. MOM!

STOP! WAIT, MOTHER.

YOU LEFT YOUR PASSPORT AND YOUR GLASSES

ON THE TABLE.

I'LL KEEP AN EYE ON PETEY FOR YOU.

I'LL MISS YOU.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[KNOCK KNOCK]

WHAT IS IT?

LARRY, PETEY'S SICK.

[COUGHING]

HALLELUJAH.

YOU'RE DOWN TO NORMAL.

STILL THINK YOU OUGHT TO STAY HOME,

JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.

OLGA'S GOT THE DAY OFF.

MAYBE I CAN CANCEL SOME APPOINTMENTS.

I DON'T MIND BEING ALONE.

NIGHT-NIGHT, NOW.

I'M SORRY FOR RUINING YOUR SLEEP.

THIS IS AN ADVENTURE.

I LOVE ADVENTURES.

LARRY?

HMM?

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, PAL.

[HUMMING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOG BARKS]

OH, DEAR.

OH!

THANK YOU.

YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL WITH A COLD?

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M SHOWING THE HOUSE.

HOW DID YOU GET IN?

YOUR DADDY'S SECRETARY GAVE ME THE KEY.

ISN'T THIS A PERFECT CHILD'S ROOM?

LOOK AT THE STORAGE SPACE.

THERE MUST BE SOME SORT OF MISTAKE.

WE'LL BE OUT OF YOUR HAIR SOON.

THIS HOUSE IS NOT FOR SALE!

[ARF ARF]

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

[CELLO PLAYS]

WHAT'S WRONG?

THERE WAS A WOMAN HERE TODAY.

SHE SAID YOU WERE GOING TO SELL THE HOUSE.

THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

SHE SAID YOUR SECRETARY GAVE HER THE KEY.

OH.

IT'S NOT YOUR HOUSE.

I KNOW.

I KNOW IT'S NOT MY HOUSE.

PETEY--

DOES MOM KNOW?

YOUR MOTHER AND I THOUGHT--

I THOUGHT

SINCE WE'RE STARTING A NEW LIFE AS A FAMILY,

IT WOULD BE GOOD TO START IT IN A NEW PLACE,

A PLACE THAT BELONGED TO ALL OF US.

YOU CAN'T LET STRANGERS LIVE IN DADDY'S HOUSE.

IF ROBIN AND BILLY'S MOTHER FINDS A NEW HUSBAND,

WOULD IT BE FAIR

TO MAKE HIM LIVE IN MY OLD HOUSE FOREVER?

THAT'S DIFFERENT.

YOU'RE DIVORCED.

AYY.

THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SPORTS.

[CELLO PLAYS]

LARRY?

PETEY SAID WE WERE MOVING.

WELL...

WE HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

NOTHING DEFINITE YET, BUT...

WHY DIDN'T MOM TELL ME?

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO WORRY YOU

ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HASN'T HAPPENED.

BUT WE ALWAYS TALK THINGS OVER.

SHE TRUSTED ME.

[CLICK]

[MUSIC PLAYS]

[THUNDER]

SORRY I'M SO LATE.

WE DON'T KNOW WHERE PETEY IS.

I'VE CALLED HIS FRIENDS. NOBODY'S SEEN HIM.

THIS STORM HAS PARALYZED THE CITY.

HE ALWAYS CHECKS IN WITH ME.

HE'S OBSESSIVELY ON TIME.

WHAT TIME WAS HE DUE HOME?

AT 5:00!

IT'S AFTER 9:00.

I THINK WE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE.

[DOOR OPENS]

HE'S HOME.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

YOU HAD US WORRIED SICK.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

I'M SORRY.

THE BUS I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE STOPPED RUNNING.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU'RE SAFE.

THE NEXT IMPORTANT THING

IS TO GET INTO A HOT BATH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG, BUT IN 30 MINUTES

WE WOULD HAVE HAD THE ENTIRE POLICE FORCE

AFTER YOU.

THEY HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN LOOK FOR ME.

DON'T MOVE UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.

KNOCK IT OFF.

YOU'VE GOT NO RIGHT TO TORMENT HIM BECAUSE HE'S LATE.

HI.

IT WAS RIGHT AFTER I MET YOU

AND STARTED UP GROUP

THAT I STARTED GOING OUT WITH THIS GUY.

THIS SATURDAY, HE ADMITTED TO ME

THAT HE'S BEEN SEEING HER FOR 1 1/2 WEEKS.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TRUST SOMEONE AGAIN.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING HIM?

FIVE WEEKS.

HE'S TRUSTWORTHY, LOVING, AND CARING.

YOU'VE BEEN SEEING HIM FOR FIVE WEEKS.

YES, BUT EVERY DAY.

HONEY, WHAT ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

WHAT?

IN HERE, I'M ALWAYS HEARING ABOUT YOU AND THIS MAN,

YOU AND THAT MAN,

YOU AND THE MAN BEFORE THAT.

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU DO?

DO YOU HAVE A LIFE? SERIOUSLY.

DO YOU HAVE A LIFE?

YES. I HAVE A LIFE.

IS IT DEPENDENT UPON A MAN?

NO.

BUT IT IS!

I HAVE MY CAREER AS A TEACHER.

I'M TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE YOU TRUST

AND PUT YOUR FAITH IN.

WHEN DID YOUR FATHER LEAVE?

I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO THE PAST.

I'M TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING NOW.

WHEN DID YOUR FATHER LEAVE HOME?

HOW OLD WERE YOU?

I WAS BORN. THAT'S WHEN HE LEFT.

DID YOU EVER THINK YOU'RE REPEATING

A PATTERN HERE?

CAN YOU STOP HER FROM BEING THE PSYCHIATRIST?

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE THE PSYCHIATRIST,

BUT I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO THE SAME BULLSHIT

FOR THE PAST SIX WEEKS.

THIS IS THE SAME THING WOMEN ARE ALWAYS DOING.

WHY IS THEIR OWN HAPPINESS

REFLECTED IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEBODY ELSE?

IT SEEMS THAT EVERY TIME--

NO. STOP THAT!

THEY WANT TO GRAB YOU.

HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING TO ME

FOR THE LAST SIX WEEKS?

I DON'T WANT A MAN CONTROLLING ME.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

EXCUSE ME. YEAH?

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

YOUR STEPDAUGHTER CATHY CALLED.

SHE'S BEEN PICKED UP BY THE POLICE

FOR SHOPLIFTING AT BLOOMINGDALE'S.

BLOOMINGDALE'S.

BLOOMINGDALE'S?

THERE'S AN EMERGENCY. I MUST LEAVE.

YOU'VE GOT AN EMERGENCY?

BYE.

GREAT.

YOUR FATHER'S HERE.

[ARF ARF ARF]

DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULD TALK?

PLEASE...

NOT RIGHT NOW.

HUMOR ME A LITTLE.

YOU'VE BEEN UNDER

A LOT OF PRESSURE LATELY.

LIKE WHAT?

FOR ONE, YOUR MOTHER JUST REMARRIED.

SO?

I KNOW HOW MUCH SHE'S DEPENDED ON YOU

SINCE YOUR FATHER DIED.

NOW HERE I COME AND...

AND, YOU MIGHT SAY,

TRY TO TAKE YOUR PLACE.

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE AN ADULT,

YOU'RE EXPECTED TO TURN BACK INTO A CHILD.

TO MAKE IT WORSE,

YOU'RE TOLD YOU'RE VERY LUCKY.

DON'T GIVE ME EXCUSES.

I KNOW I HAVE NO RIGHT

TO ASK FOR ANYTHING, BUT...

COULD YOU PLEASE NOT TELL MOM

UNTIL SHE COMES BACK?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

IT'S MRS. LIVINGSTONE.

FROM RUSSIA?

NO. IT IS THE OTHER ONE.

JO?

LARRY, WE'RE IN MAINE.

WE ALL FLEW IN FROM LONDON LAST NIGHT.

IT'S NEENIE, HER HEART AGAIN.

THE DOCTOR SAID IT'S JUST GIVING OUT.

OH.

BETH'S AWAY.

HOW MUCH TIME HAVE I GOT?

WELL, THEY SAID IT COULD BE WEEKS

OR IT COULD BE DAYS.

SHE SAID, "I'M NOT GOING TILL I GET GOOD AND READY."

CAN I SPEAK TO ROBIN AND BILLY?

MORTY TOOK THEM OUT TO A MOVIE.

WELL, THANK MORTY FOR ME

FOR, UH, BEING NICE TO MY KIDS.

[PLAYING PIANO]

I KNOW, GEORGE.

IT'S NOT MY ROOM.

THIS IS NOT MY HOUSE...

THESE AREN'T MY KIDS,

AND YOU...

ARE NOT MY DOG.

SO, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?

WELL...

THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND, GEORGE.

YOU'RE SO MONOGAMOUS--

ONE MASTER, ONE MISTRESS, ONE FAMILY.

NOW ME, ONE INTERLOPER.

YOU SEE, GEORGE,

HUMAN BEINGS ARE PLAYING A LOT OF MUSICAL CHAIRS,

MUSICAL HOUSES, MUSICAL FAMILIES--

THAT'S THE NAME OF THE GAME.

I'M IN YOUR MASTER'S CHAIR.

A GUY NAMED MORTY IS IN MY CHAIR.

SOME OTHER GUY IS MOST LIKELY IN MORTY'S CHAIR.

MORTY'S GOT A CHAIR...

AND A FAMILY...

WHICH DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE...

NOW HE'S GOT MY CHAIR AND MY FAMILY.

SO WHO'S ON WHOSE CHAIR?

NO.

WHO IS ON WHAT'S CHAIR. WHAT IS ON WHOSE CHAIR.

WE ALL HIT HOME RUNS.

WE WOUND UP IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HOME.

WE'RE ALL OUT...

IN THE COLD.

THERE'S A MORAL TO ALL THIS, GEORGE.

NEVER MIX YOUR FAMILIES OR YOUR METAPHORS...

OR YOUR DRINKS.

ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?

[WHIMPERING]

SOMEBODY LOVES ME--

GEORGE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

SWEETHEART!

AH, DARLING, WHAT A SURPRISE.

I HOPE I'M NOT WAKING YOU.

NO. NO.

HOW'S MOTHER RUSSIA?

FINE. HOW'S EVERYTHING THERE?

ARE THE KIDS ALL RIGHT?

JUST FINE.

OH, GOD! WHAT A RELIEF!

[ARF]

OH, SWEETHEART...

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE FOR ME.

WHAT DID I DO?

I ADORE YOU.

OH, HERE'S BRONIE.

HE'D LIKE TO SAY HELLO.

LARRY, YOUR WIFE HAS NEVER LOOKED MORE BEAUTIFUL.

ALL THE RUSSIANS ARE MAD ABOUT HER.

IGNORE HIM.

HA HA HA!

I BETTER PULL TOGETHER MY EQUIPMENT.

BIG HUG TO THE KIDS.

OH, DARLING, IT'S GOING TO BE SO WONDERFUL

WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER.

GOOD-BYE, SWEETHEART.

WELL, GEORGE, YOUR MISTRESS IS THE TOAST OF MOTHER R...

AND FATHER R AND BROTHER R.

OH, POOR BETHIE...

SHE DOESN'T FEEL

SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO WORK OR RECOGNITION.

BAD LARRY--MAD BECAUSE HE CAN'T BE A PART OF IT,

AND NOBLE GEORGE...

WHO KEPT BAD LARRY GOOD,

AT LEAST WHILE HE WAS ON THE PHONE.

WE'RE QUITE A COMBINATION.

HERE I COME.

EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT, ISN'T IT?

WELL, MORE OR LESS.

OH!

JO'S MOTHER'S DYING.

I'M SORRY.

I KNOW HOW YOU FELT ABOUT HER.

I HAVE TO GO TO MAINE THIS AFTERNOON

AND SAY GOOD-BYE.

YOU COULD HAVE LEFT CATHY AND PETEY WITH OLGA.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR ME.

IT WASN'T A PARTICULARLY GOOD TIME TO GO.

OOH!

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

SOMETHING'S WRONG.

NOTHING TO GET ALARMED ABOUT.

PETEY FOUND OUT ABOUT THE HOUSE...

MY FUCK-UP.

HE WAS HOME,

AND I FORGOT TO HEAD OFF THE AGENT.

THAT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON YOUR POINT OF VIEW.

HONEY, STEP BACK THIS WAY.

IT SEEMS THAT PETEY...

EXPECTS US TO MAINTAIN THE HOUSE FOREVER,

AS A MEMORIAL TO HIS FATHER.

THE NEXT NIGHT,

THERE WAS THIS TERRIBLE THUNDERSTORM.

SORRY.

NO SIGN OF PETEY,

MUCH HYSTERIA FROM CATHY AND OLGA,

MUCH ACTING UNHYSTERICAL FROM ME...

BAD ACTING, I MIGHT ADD.

BUT HE CAME HOME?

DRENCHED TO THE SKIN, FIVE HOURS LATE,

ENTERED PETEY...

TO BE CONFRONTED BY A FURIOUS OLDER SISTER

WHO DEMANDED TO KNOW HIS WHEREABOUTS.

HE REFUSED TO ANSWER UNDER THE FIFTH AMENDMENT.

SHE TORE INTO THE LITTLE FELLA

LIKE HE WAS THE GREAT SATAN AND SHE, THE AYATOLLAH.

ENTER INTO THE BREACH,

THE WISE, NOBLE STEPPARENT

TELLING HER TO MIND HER OWN FUCKING ADOLESCENT BUSINESS--

OR WORDS TO THAT EFFECT--

FOLLOWED THE NEXT DAY BY...

JUS--JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.

LET'S LOOK AT THE GOOD SIDE.

SHE GOT ALL As ON HER REPORT CARD,

EXCEPT FOR A C+ IN GYM,

AND SHE'S NOT PREGNANT.

DON'T DO THIS TO ME.

SHE GOT CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING AT BLOOMINGDALE'S.

SHOPLIFTING?

A $10 PAIR OF EARRINGS.

YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME.

WHAT?

YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME, LARRY.

DON'T YOU THINK I WANTED TO?

I WANTED TO GO TO THE NEAREST SATELLITE

AND BEAM HELP.

I WAS TRYING NOT TO REVERT

TO MY BAD, OLD, SELFISH WAYS.

IT WAS MY FAULT.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO FACE IT.

SOMETIMES... I THINK LIFE IS

ONE ENORMOUS PILE OF FAULTS TO YOU,

AND YOU SPEND YOUR LIFE

DIVIDING UP THE PIECES.

ONE FAULT FOR YOU. ONE FAULT FOR ME.

ONE FOR CATHY. ONE FOR PETEY.

THREE FAULTS FOR YOU. TWO FAULTS FOR ME.

OK!

CATHY HAS NOT MURDERED ANYONE,

NOR, DESPITE HIS FANTASIES, HAS PETEY.

AND AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING CONTROVERSIAL,

THAT ALSO GOES FOR THE BOTH OF US.

SO, TELL ME, HOW ARE THINGS IN RUSSIA?

I'M SORRY.

I'M PUNISHING YOU

BECAUSE I'M ANGRY AT MYSELF.

SO MUCH FOR THE OLD STEPPADRE

HOLDING DOWN THE FORT.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

LET'S START AT THE BEGINNING.

HI, SWEETHEART!

SWEETHEART, WELCOME HOME!

HELLO!

YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW THE FAMILY IS?

WELL, THERE ARE A FEW MINOR PROBLEMS,

BUT NOTHING WE CAN'T STRAIGHTEN OUT.

JUST KEEP HOLDING ME.

HERE WE ARE, DAD!

NEENIE'S DYING.

OH, I KNOW, BIG FELLA.

SHE'S JUST BEEN WAITING FOR A LAST GLIMPSE OF YOU.

THAT'S A GIRL.

OHH!

SHE SAID DON'T BE SCARED.

AND THEN SHE GAVE ME ADVICE

ABOUT GROWING UP INTO A SPECIAL MAN.

THAT'S HER REGRET.

SHE WON'T BE HERE TO GIVE US ADVICE,

AS IF IT'S DONE US ANY GOOD.

WHERE'S MORTY?

HE'S IN BOSTON ON BUSINESS.

HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD

IF SHE SPENT SOME TIME ALONE WITH YOU.

YOU TOLD HIM TO DO THAT.

OH! I DON'T THINK

YOUR SON INHERITED YOUR DISCRETION.

HERE. I'LL DRIVE,

IF MADAM WAGON STILL REMEMBERS ME.

IT REMEMBERS YOU, DAD.

EVERYONE REMEMBERS YOU.

MY SON AND PR AGENT ALL IN ONE.

SHIT! IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

THE OLD AMBIVALENCE.

WHAT'S AMBIVALENCE?

HAVE YOU EVER LIKED SOMEBODY

THAT DROVE YOU CRAZY?

ROBIN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID YOU LIKE HER.

WELL, THAT'S AMBIVALENCE.

MOMMY FEELS THAT ABOUT YOU?

MMM...ON A GOOD DAY.

WHY?

OK, NOW, WE'RE NOT PLAYING TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES.

NO. WE'RE PLAYING FAMILY.

SO...HOW'S TRICKS?

I'M AFRAID I HAVEN'T GOT MANY LEFT.

THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU

TO TAKE A PESSIMISTIC VIEW.

YOU KNOW OUR RULE.

WE HAVE SO MANY.

WITH THE BIG THINGS, WE DON'T KID.

SOMETHING ODD JUST HAPPENED.

I WAS DOZING...

AND I WOKE UP AND SAW YOU

STANDING IN THE DOOR...

AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE JO'S FATHER.

JO IS LIKE HER FATHER.

SHE'S IN LOVE WITH MYSTERY.

MARRIAGE ISN'T VERY GOOD FOR THAT.

NOT THAT I FIND MORTY VERY MYSTERIOUS.

OH, HE'S PERFECTLY NICE...

I JUST WISH HE WOULDN'T CALL ME NEENIE-WEENIE.

I'VE BEEN UNFAIR TO JO.

I WANTED HER TO BE ADORED BY ALL THE WORLD...

AND I WANTED HER TO BE THE PERFECT WIFE.

CHILDREN SHOULD BEWARE UNHAPPY MOTHERS.

HEY, NOW.

I WON'T LET YOU CRITICIZE

THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS.

WHAT'S BETH'S MOTHER LIKE?

ISN'T THAT AWFUL?

I--I SOUND LIKE A JEALOUS WOMAN.

I COME BEARING GIFTS.

PRINCES ALWAYS DO.

I THOUGHT YOUR OLD ONE

MIGHT BE WEARING OUT.

EVERYTHING I HAVE IS WEARING OUT.

THERE YOU ARE, YOU SEE.

MAGIC BILLY!

WON'T YOU TELL US A NIBOR YLLIB STORY?

WELL, LET'S SEE. COME ON.

HERE WE GO!

NIBOR, YLLIB, AND THEIR DADDY

WENT ON A TIME MACHINE.

THEIR DADDY BECAME A WHALING CAPTAIN.

WELL, ONE DAY,

THEY CLIMBED UP TO THE WIDOW'S WALK,

AND THEIR DADDY HAD BEEN GONE A LONG TIME,

AND THEY SAW A SPECK ON THE HORIZON,

AND SUDDENLY, BILLY--

YLLIB!

YLLIB SAW A DARK SHAPE

IN THE WAVES.

IT WAS A DOLPHIN,

AND IT SWAM UP TO THE PIER.

IT LOOKED AT NIBOR AND YLLIB.

IT LET OUT A DOLPHIN SHOUT OF RECOGNITION.

OOOWWW!

HE WAS A SPECIAL KIND OF DOLPHIN.

HE WAS CALLED A CARRIER DOLPHIN

BECAUSE HE HAD A POUCH IN HIS MOUTH,

AND HE USED TO CARRY LETTERS AND PACKAGES,

AND NOW THE DOLPHIN

WAS GOING TO BE THE FAMILY PET,

AND THEY WOULD SEND MESSAGES

BETWEEN THEM AND THEIR DADDY.

♪ SEE YOU IN THE MORNING ♪

♪ SEE YOU IN THE EVENING ♪

♪ SEE YOU IN THE SUMMERTIME ♪

♪ DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO ♪♪

♪ AH! SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE ♪

♪ AT LAST I'VE FOUND THEE ♪

♪ AH! AT LAST I KNOW ♪

♪ THE SECRET OF IT ALL ♪

♪ ALL THE LONGING, SEEKING ♪

♪ STRIVING, WAITING, YEARNING ♪

♪ THROUGH ALL THE HOPES AND JOY ♪

♪ AND BURNING TEARS THAT FALL ♪♪

IT'S COLD OUT HERE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR JACKET ON, SWEETIE.

WANT TO SIT ON DADDY'S LAP, HMM?

COME ON.

I TALKED TO YOUR MOTHER,

AND SHE SAID THAT YOU AND BILLY

COULD SPEND ALL EASTER WEEK

WITH BETH AND ME.

YOU ONCE SAID YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR US

WHEN WE NEEDED YOU.

THAT'S RIGHT.

DADDY?

WHAT, MY LOVE?

I NEED YOU EVERY NIGHT.

WELL, FROM NOW ON,

I'LL WRITE YOU EVERY DAY.

YOU MEAN TO, DADDY, BUT YOU FORGET.

MOMMY TOLD ME

HOW MUCH MORTY LOVES YOU.

NEW PEOPLE DON'T MAKE YOU FEEL SAFE

LIKE OLD ONES DO.

WHEN YOU AND MOMMY

TOLD US YOU WERE GETTING A DIVORCE,

YOU DIDN'T CRY.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEEM SAD.

WE...

WE THOUGHT THAT BY HIDING OUR PAIN,

IT WOULD MAKE IT EASIER FOR YOU.

IF IT WAS PAINFUL,

THEN WHY DID YOU DO IT?

WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT WHEN YOU'RE OLDER, OK?

THAT WON'T HELP ME NOW.

SINCE YOU AND MOMMY DIDN'T SEEM UPSET,

I TOLD MYSELF THAT YOU WERE JUST GOING

ON A LONG, LONG TRIP,

AND ONE DAY, YOU'D COME HOME,

AND WE'D BE A FAMILY LIKE WE ALWAYS WERE.

BUT, SWEETHEART, YOU WERE THERE

WHEN BETH AND I GOT MARRIED.

YOU AND MOMMY GOT DIVORCED.

WHY COULDN'T YOU AND BETH?

AND IF YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH HER,

THEN ONE DAY,

YOU COULD FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH MOMMY.

OH, I'M SORRY, ROBIN.

I'M SORRY IF WE LED YOU ON.

NO, IT'S NOT A GREAT NIGHT FOR SLEEPING.

REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID BEFORE WE SEPARATED?

A LOT OF THINGS I WISH I HADN'T.

YOU SAID IF WE SEPARATED,

WE'D EVENTUALLY GET DIVORCED,

AND AFTER GOING THROUGH A ROTTEN PATCH,

WE'D EACH FIND SOMEONE ELSE

AND WIND UP HAPPY.

AND IF WE STAYED TOGETHER,

WE'D GO THROUGH A ROTTEN PATCH,

AND EVENTUALLY WE'D MAKE IT THROUGH...

STILL TOGETHER...

HAPPY.

BUT LOOK AT ALL THE MESS WE WOULD HAVE SAVED.

I REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID

AFTER WE'D BEEN SEPARATED FOR A WHILE.

YOU SAID YOU WERE REASSURED

MEN STILL FOUND YOU SO ATTRACTIVE--

SOME ROTTEN PATCH.

SOMETIMES I WISH I WOULD HAVE FOLLOWED YOUR ADVICE.

YOU'RE JUST FEELING VULNERABLE BECAUSE OF NEENIE.

WHAT IF THAT'S NOT ALL IT IS?

THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT'S ALWAYS LOVED YOU.

YOU REMEMBER THE NIGHT BILLY WAS CONCEIVED?

WE HAD THAT FIGHT...

AND I CAME UP HERE TO GET AWAY FROM YOU.

I FELL ASLEEP,

AND WHEN I WOKE UP...

YOU WERE KISSING ME.

WITHOUT THAT FIGHT,

THERE WOULDN'T BE A BILLY.

NO MORE GAMES.

HI. I MADE IT.

I'M SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR MOM.

DID YOU GET UP THERE BY YOURSELF?

HI, ROBIN. HI, BILLY.

HOW ARE YOU?

LARRY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

DADDY!

YOU NEVER TOLD US THE DOLPHIN'S NAME.

CARING.

YOUR DADDY NAMED THE DOLPHIN CARING.

I HAVE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU,

BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO FIND IT

BECAUSE IT'S IN ME POCKET.

I BROUGHT IT ALL THE WAY FROM ENGLAND.

WHICH POCKET IS IT IN? THIS ONE.

I'LL HOLD HIM!

HI, GEORGE.

YOU FEELING ALL RIGHT, GEORGE?

TALK ABOUT MALE BONDING.

YOU'VE ONLY BEEN GONE THREE DAYS,

AND GEORGE CAN'T BREATHE.

CAN A DOG GET EMPHYSEMA?

ONLY IF HE SMOKES.

LOOK AT THAT.

I'M SORRY. I KNOW HOW MUCH SHE MEANT TO YOU.

OH, THAT OLD GIRL.

SHE HUNG IN JUST LONG ENOUGH TO WAVE GOOD-BYE.

HOW ARE ROBIN AND BILLY?

OH, THEY'RE ROLLING WITH THE PUNCHES.

AND THE PUNCHES KEEP ROLLING IN.

I'VE MADE A LIST OF REQUIREMENTS

FOR OUR NEW APARTMENT.

YOU MAY BE THE CHAMPION LISTMAKER OF THE WORLD.

NUMBER ONE,

WE HAVE TO HAVE A BILLY/ROBIN ROOM.

THEY HAVE TO KNOW THERE'S A PLACE FOR THEM

INSIDE THEIR FATHER'S HOUSE WHERE THEY BELONG.

I GET THIS AWFUL FEELING

I'LL START BAWLING LIKE A KID.

IT'S ALLOWED.

WE'RE MARRIED.

I HAD THIS NUTSY MOMENT LAST NIGHT.

I THOUGHT THE OLD GIRL DIED DELIBERATELY

TO BRING ME BACK INTO THE FOLD.

GOOD SON-IN-LAWS ARE HARD TO FIND.

IT ALMOST WORKED.

I GOT INTO THAT STATION WAGON

WITH MY KIDS AND JO,

WALKED INTO THAT HOUSE.

SOME ANCIENT VERSION OF MYSELF SAID,

"YOU'VE COME HOME."

THEN NEENIE WENT AHEAD AND DIED THAT NIGHT.

OF COURSE I COULDN'T LEAVE.

I HAD TO STAY. THEY NEEDED ME.

NEED, THE ULTIMATE SEDUCER.

SHE WROTE THIS NOTE

REQUESTING THAT WE SCATTER HER ASHES OFF OUR PIER

AND INSTRUCTIONS THAT NO ONE BE THERE

BUT JO, THE KIDS, AND ME.

SO THAT BRINGS US TO LAST NIGHT.

I GUESS, UH, WE...

WE, UH...

WE DID WHAT PEOPLE DO

WHEN SOMEBODY IN THE FAMILY DIES.

WE TRIED TO REWRITE HISTORY,

TRIED TO MAKE EVERYTHING

THE WAY WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

IT WASN'T.

YOU WENT TO BED TOGETHER.

JO WANTED THE PROOF SHE HADN'T LOST ME.

I WANTED TO MAKE HER REGRET

SHE EVER THREW ME OUT.

THREE YEARS OF HURT MALE EGO

TRYING TO GET ITS REVENGE,

BUT WE DID NOT MAKE LOVE.

YOU DID NOT MAKE LOVE?

MY EQUIPMENT WENT ON STRIKE.

WHAT CAN I SAY? I KNOW.

EQUIPMENT FAILURE SHOULD NOT BE

ONE'S LAST LINE OF DEFENSE

AGAINST INFIDELITY.

[WHINING]

[WHEEZE]

HE CAN HARDLY BREATHE.

WE BETTER TAKE HIM TO THE VET.

WE'LL HAVE TO CHANGE THE NAME OF HIS CARD

TO GEORGE LIVINGSTONE.

OK, POOCH, IN A FEW MINUTES, YOU'LL FEEL LIKE NEW.

THEY ALL HATE THE NEEDLE, DON'T THEY, DOC?

NO. HE DOESN'T LIKE THE NAME POOCH.

YES, HE DOES.

WE'LL KEEP HIM OVERNIGHT.

HE'S NEVER SPENT A NIGHT AWAY FROM HOME.

SHALL WE RENT THE ADJOINING CAGE FOR US?

I'D BETTER CLEAN THE RUG.

GEORGE MUST HAVE BEEN TERRIFIED.

HE NEVER PEES INSIDE.

BETH.

I'M TRYING TO SAVE MY BEST ORIENTAL RUG.

CAN YOU MAKE SOMETHING FUNNY OUT OF THAT?

DON'T TELL ME IT WAS JUST A RUG.

IT WAS A WEDDING PRESENT FROM PETER'S AUNT MATILDA.

I HAD ANOTHER MARRIAGE, TOO.

I DIDN'T STAY WITH JO. I CAME HOME TO YOU.

SHOULD I BE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR SENSE OF DUTY?

OR SHALL I CALL IT HONOR?

I'M SORRY.

WE BOTH MADE A MISTAKE.

IF WE ADMIT IT NOW,

THERE WON'T BE ANY LASTING HARM,

JUST A LITTLE EMBARRASSMENT

WE SHOULD BOTH BE OLD ENOUGH TO TAKE.

WE MET EACH OTHER

AT A VULNERABLE TIME IN BOTH OUR LIVES,

AND WE HELPED EACH OTHER THROUGH IT.

WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN GRATEFUL JUST FOR THAT

AND NOT HAVE TRIED TO PUSH IT INTO MARRIAGE.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

WHAT WE SHOULD HAVE SAID BEFORE.

GOOD-BYE.

MY IMPOTENT, PATHETIC LITTLE CRIME

HAS GIVEN YOU THE GIFT

YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR--

PUNISHMENT FOR BEING HAPPY.

ALL RIGHT, YOU HAVE IT.

I'LL LEAVE THE KEYS ON THE HALL TABLE.

MY SECRETARY WILL CALL AND MAKE ARRANGEMENTS

TO PICK UP THE REST OF MY THINGS.

TAXI!

[WHISTLE]

IT WASN'T HONOR, DAMN IT!

I CAME BACK BECAUSE I WANTED YOU.

GOD KNOWS WHY.

I WANTED TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU

AND YOUR DOUBTS, YOUR GUILTS,

ALL THE TERRIBLE DEMANDS YOU PUT UPON YOURSELF.

I WANTED TO LIE WITH YOU IN THE NIGHT

KNOWING THAT YOU'RE WRESTLING WITH YOUR DEMONS, TOO.

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT MY HEART, MY GUTS, MY SOUL,

WORST OF ALL, MY HEAD... IT'S CRYING OUT FOR YOU.

DO YOU THINK SOMEONE'S TELLING US

THAT WE DESERVE EACH OTHER?

[RING]

[RING]

JUST WHEN I FOUND SOMETHING FOR A HEADACHE

THAT BEATS ASPIRIN.

[RING]

HELLO.

HI.

HI, DARLING.

WHICH DARLING IS IT?

IT'S ROBIN.

HI, SWEETHEART.

DADDY!

HI.

WHAT WAS THE GIFT THAT CARING BROUGHT?

CARING?

THE DOLPHIN...

THAT BROUGHT YLLIB AND NIBOR GIFTS.

WELL, THERE WAS CORAL FROM THE SOUTH SEAS,

AND A BEAUTIFUL GIANT...PEARL

THAT WAS STILL IN THE OYSTER SHELL

FROM THE SEA OF JAPAN,

AND DRAWINGS OF ALL THE ADVENTURES

THAT THEIR DADDY HAD HAD

SO SHE AND YLLIB COULD SHARE IN THEM...

AND A PERFECT SHELL FROM THE PACIFIC

SO THEY COULD ALWAYS HEAR THE OTHER OCEAN

THAT THEIR DADDY TRAVELED.

DADDY?

MM-HMM?

YOU KNOW.

♪ SEE YOU IN THE MORNING ♪

♪ SEE YOU IN THE EVENING ♪

♪ SEE YOU IN THE SUMMERTIME ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪♪

GOOD NIGHT, DADDY.

GOOD NIGHT, SWEET GIRL.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, MY BILLY BOY.

I LOVE YOU.

LOVE YOU, TOO.

OH, I WANT TO HIDE.

[DOOR OPENS]

LET'S SHUT OUT THE WORLD.

THE OPERATOR SAID

THE LINE WAS OFF THE HOOK,

BUT WHY WOULD SHE LEAVE THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK?

IT'S NOT LIKE MOM,

BUT IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LEAVE JUST BECAUSE I DID.

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE SLEEPING OVER ANYWAY.

NO BARKING.

THAT'S A FIRST.

MAYBE HE'S LOCKED IN MOM'S ROOM,

AND HE'S SLEEPING.

NO. MOM WOULD NEVER LET GEORGE SLEEP UP THERE.

THAT'S STRANGE.

ALL THE LIGHTS ARE ON.

GREAT.

MOM YELLS AT US TO PUT THE FOOD AWAY,

THEN SHE LEAVES IT OUT.

SHE'S NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.

PEW.

GEORGE MUST HAVE PEED.

THERE IT IS.

OH, IT SMELLS.

LARRY'S COAT'S OUT, TOO.

THAT'S ODD.

OH, GOD.

THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A STRUGGLE.

[SIREN]

STAY OUT HERE

UNTIL WE TELL YOU IT'S ALL RIGHT.

OH, BOY.

OH!

DON'T SHOOT!

WE FOUND YOUR FOLKS--

IN TIPTOP CONDITION.

WHERE WERE THEY?

I THINK THEY SHOULD EXPLAIN.

HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA!

THOSE POOR KIDS MUST BE CONFUSED.

AT A TIME WHEN THE WORLD IS COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET,

THEIR MOTHER AND STEPFATHER ARE GOING IN.

I'M SO SORRY THAT WE SCARED YOU.

OH, MOM.

PETEY?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO

IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO THE TWO OF YOU.

DEAR NIBOR AND YLLIB,

ANOTHER MOVING DAY.

WE'VE HAD LOTS OF THOSE, SEPARATELY AND TOGETHER,

AND CERTAINLY, IN YOUR YOUNG LIVES AT LEAST,

THERE'LL BE LOTS TO COME.

BUT WHEREVER YOU ARE, OLD PALS OF MINE,

HOWEVER TEMPEST-TOSSED THE SEAS WE SAIL,

YOU'RE ALWAYS WITH ME.

COME ON!

[ARF! ARF!]

BETH, COME ON! PETEY!

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1989 LORIMAR

♪ IT'S VERY CLEAR ♪

♪ OUR LOVE IS HERE TO STAY ♪

♪ NOT FOR A YEAR ♪

♪ BUT EVER AND A DAY ♪

♪ THE RADIO ♪

♪ AND THE TELEPHONE ♪

♪ AND THE MOVIES THAT WE KNOW ♪

♪ MAY JUST BE PASSING FANCIES ♪

♪ AND IN TIME MAY GO ♪

♪ BUT, OH, MY DEAR ♪

♪ OUR LOVE IS HERE TO STAY ♪

♪ TOGETHER WE'RE ♪

♪ GOING A LONG, LONG WAY ♪

♪ IN TIME, THE ROCKIES MAY CRUMBLE ♪

♪ GIBRALTAR MAY TUMBLE ♪

♪ THEY'RE ONLY MADE OF CLAY ♪

♪ BUT OUR LOVE IS HERE ♪

♪ TO STAY ♪

♪ THE RADIO ♪

♪ AND THE TELEPHONE ♪

♪ AND THE MOVIES THAT WE KNOW ♪

♪ MAY JUST BE PASSING FANCIES ♪

♪ AND IN TIME MAY GO ♪

♪ BUT, OH, MY DEAR ♪

♪ OUR LOVE IS HERE TO STAY ♪

♪ TOGETHER WE'RE ♪

♪ GOING A LONG, LONG WAY ♪

♪ IN TIME, THE ROCKIES MAY CRUMBLE ♪

♪ GIBRALTAR MAY TUMBLE ♪

♪ THEY'RE ONLY MADE OF CLAY ♪

♪ BUT OUR LOVE IS HERE ♪

♪ TO STAY ♪

♪ OUR LOVE IS HERE ♪

♪ TO STAY ♪♪