Original subtitles

See, I'll get in bright and early

before they can tell me he's stepped out for the day.

Hello. Is the tax assessor there?

He stepped out for the day?

Yeah, you can take a message.

Tell him Robin Hood called.

I wanna shove five of my merry men up his nose.

I can tell you stayed up

and watched the late movie last night.

Yeah, son, I like that Robin Hood.

He took from the rich and gave it to the poor.

Ah, that's the way to whip inflation.

That's the way. I wonder where that mailman is.

I don't know.

But I'd like to know why

you haven't paid the property taxes yet, Pop.

They can add a 7 percent penalty for that.

I haven't paid it and I'm not gonna pay it,

because part of my taxes go for public transportation,

and the only buses I see around here

are the ones hauling kids to school

that they don't even want to go to.

Come on, Pop, you can't fight City Hall.

They'll just end up throwing you in jail.

Then I'll go on a hunger strike. Goodbye, menudo.

You know you're impossible?

Listen, son, don't worry, because nothing's gonna happen.

I mean, we're not gonna get in no trouble at all because...

Listen, do you think for one moment

that I would risk losing all of this?

What are you up to, Pop?

You'll see. I know I will.

I'm not kidding, son.

See, we're gonna be freed

from the nagging, persistent pain of taxes,

and everything else!

Speaking of nagging, persistent pain.

Watch it, sucker.

Hello, Lamont.

Hello, Aunt Esther.

Nothing you can say will upset me this morning.

I've had a good night's sleep and I'm as happy as a lark.

Then why don't you just fly on out of here

and dig up a worm for your breakfast.

Hey, Pop, why don't you dig yourself?

Aunt Esther's not bothering you.

That old heathen will never give me a moment's relief.

Esther, do you know how I spell "relief"?

F-I-S-T.

Relief up your N-O-Z-E, nose.

Would you stop it? Just stop it right now, okay?

How's Uncle Woody, Aunt Esther?

He's fine, thank you. Good.

He'll be here later. Oh.

Mm-hmm. Here's your mail.

Oh, hey, thanks a lot.

Hey, give me that. I'm expecting some important mail here.

Let's see.

Southern California Gas.

Pacific Telephone.

Sev... 7-Eleven revolving charge account.

Nothing but junk mail.

Hey, wait a minute. What's this?

Oh, that came in the mail.

I guess it got mixed up with the magazines.

It's got the right address but the wrong name.

This is addressed to a Reverend F.G. Sanford,

of the Divine Prophet Church.

That's mine, son. That's what I've been waiting for.

This could be the big ticket.

Who's Reverend Sanford?

This is it, son. We're on top now.

This is the express train to easy street.

No more worries, no more bills,

and especially no more taxes.

What are you talking about, Pop?

Son, I've just been ordained a full-fledged,

bona fide, legal minister in the Divine Prophet Church.

Get my tambourine.

What respectable church

would ordain a beady-eyed jackal like you?

Now that I'm a man of the cloth, Sister Esther,

I suggest you behave yourself in my church

because I'll ex-communicate your face.

Wait a minute. Let me have a look at that.

This can't be right. Let me see.

I'm gonna take a look.

Hi, Fred.

Hey, what's happening, Fred?

Well, well, Brother Bubba. Do come in.

Brother Bubba?

Hey, don't tell me you got it?

It arrived this morning. Yeah?

Bubba, you are now talking to

the Very Right Reverend Fred G. Sanford.

Yeah.

And the G stands for "going to heaven."

Hey, this... This looks legal.

Well, it better be legal

because it took me for 10 bucks.

Sure it's legal, Lamont.

Didn't you see that guy on television talking about it?

Man, he's selling them things by the thousands.

Yeah, but what good is it?

What good is it?

Did you ever hear of a church paying taxes?

Huh? Answer me.

Upon this junk I shall build my church.

I'm a divine prophet.

And that's what I call divinely profitable.

Amen!

You better not play with the Good Book, you old heathen,

or the Lord will cast you into the fiery furnace!

Esther, in your case, I'm available for exorcisms.

I can take you somewhere and beat the devil out of you.

Fred Sanford, you are immoral,

indecent, blasphemous,

and the fires of hell is gonna reach right up

and pull you down!

Goeth ye of little faith.

Vengeance is mine!

And ugly is yours.

Get thee behind me, Satan.

Oh, glory!

Have you read any of those documents yet?

It says in order for a church to be tax exempt,

it has to be a corporation, man,

with a president, a treasurer and a secretary.

That's right.

I'm the president,

and you and Bubba are all the president's men.

Hey, wait a minute.

Just count me out of this

because it's wrong and I don't think it's legal.

It is legal.

If the big churches can do it,

then why can't the little churches do it?

I mean, it's called free enterprise, dummy.

Pop, I can't believe that you and Bubba would use the church

for a get-rich-quick scheme, man.

It's not right and both of you know it.

This Bishop Lovelace guy who runs the church

is getting rich selling those franchises all over the country.

That doesn't make it legal, Bubba.

I've got a friend that's a lawyer.

I'm gonna call him up, and he's gonna check this thing out.

But if he doesn't say what I want to hear,

I'm gonna grab him by his briefs and habeas his corpus.

Well, it's legal, all right.

Constitutionally, that is.

What is that supposed to mean?

Let me put it like this.

There's no law to stop it.

You see, Article One of the Constitution states

that Congress shall make no laws

respecting the establishment of religion,

or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.

You see, son, like you always told me,

I need more exercise thereof.

The signed application was, in effect,

a legal contractual instrument.

And without seeing it, Lamont,

that's about all I can tell you

except be careful

because these things can backfire on you.

Well, thanks a lot for coming over, Walter,

and, you know, going to all that trouble.

No trouble at all. Let me know how it turns out.

Look, I'll tell you what,

just send me a bill for your services, okay?

Oh, no charge.

Consider it a donation to the church.

Hey, that's very nice of you.

When you come to my services, I'll save you a front seat.

Well, that's very nice of you, Mr. Sanford,

but I'm of a different sect.

That's the trouble with the world today:

too much sect.

♪ Counting up the dough Counting up the dough ♪

♪ We shall come rejoicing Counting up the dough ♪

♪ Counting up The dough ♪♪

Hey, Fred, you look great. Don't he, Woody?

Yeah.

If I didn't see it with my own eyes,

I swear I wouldn't believe it.

Say, Fred, you could even pass for respectable in that outfit.

And I'll drink to that.

You're not drinking here.

You're not drinking nothing here.

Okay, come on, let's get down to business.

Yeah.

Now, look, I'm officially calling

the first church board of directors meeting to order.

Brother Bubba, you're the secretary.

Brother Woody, you're the treasurer,

but I'll keep the money and you keep the records.

Okay. Look, Fred, are we going to get paid for these jobs?

You'll be in my daily prayers.

Now, let's get to the first order of business,

which is business.

See, I figure between the collection of bake sales,

bingo games, senior citizens' dances,

arts and crafts sales,

plus fees for baptisms, weddings and funerals,

we can make a killing.

Right, right.

Say, listen, though,

what kind of wine are you gonna serve for the services?

Well, we've got to keep the expenses down,

so we'll serve fermented Kool-Aid.

And after the services,

we'll open the cash bar for the hallelujah hour.

Hey, Fred, you're gonna be a rich man.

Yeah, that's just for openers.

See, I can sell all this junk and don't have to pay no taxes.

Hey, son,

we just finished a committee meeting for the trustees.

Pop, what are you wearing?

This is the latest in double-knit holy casuals.

Well, I think His Holiness is here to see you.

Won't you come in?

I'd like you to meet my father, the Very Wrong Reverend Sanford.

Reverend Sanford, how nice to meet you.

I am Bishop Lovelace, the head of the Divine Prophet Church.

I'm sorry to surprise you like this,

but I just wanted to stop by to wish you luck.

How do you do, Your Bishopshipness?

So nice of you to pay us a visit.

This is my son Lamont, the unbeliever.

And these are my trusted friars,

Bubba Tuck and Woody the wino-hearted.

How are you?

Pleasure to meet you.

Where will your devotional services take place,

Reverend Sanford?

You're standing in it.

Where will the pulpit be, and the pews?

The pulpit will be right here

and the pews will be wherever Woody is.

Well, we'll see you later, Fred... I mean, Rev.

Come on, Woody, let's go.

Yeah, let's get out of here.

Don't be long.

Remember, an idle mind is the devil's workshop.

Well put, Reverend.

I'm glad to see you're a man who uses the Proverbs.

Oh, sure. Proverbs, pronouns, adjectives, adverbs.

I use them all.

Frankly, Reverend Sanford,

I was hoping to see

a little more of a traditional establishment for my church.

Can you make it look a little more like a house of worship?

I'm having a religious picture

painted on the ceiling next week,

like Michelangelo.

It's gonna be Moses parting an oil spill in El Segundo.

Excuse me, Bishop Lovelace,

but did I hear you say your church?

Yes, that's right.

All the Divine Prophet associated churches

are technically my property.

You mean all the money that I make from the bingo games

and bake sales and the wine-tasting contest is yours?

Oh, no. Not at all.

If you read the agreement,

I only receive a small percentage.

How much? Fifty percent.

But that's just a voluntary donation,

a mandatory voluntary donation.

Well, look here, can I ask you a question?

Why, of course.

Are you crazy?!

Believe me, Reverend Sanford,

when your church begins to get involved

in large land speculations, trust deeds

and commercial-property transactions,

you'll find that my services

will be well worth the percentage.

Well, what else do you own?

Well, technically,

our contract gives me ownership

of the Sanford and Son junk business,

your home and property, both real and personal.

Hey, now, just wait a second. This whole thing is ridiculous.

You mean to tell me that you can take over our business

and throw us out of our own house?

Well, of course, I would never do such a thing.

Believe me, your property is safe,

as long as your church exists.

Now, what if the church ceases to exist?

Well, in that case,

the property reverts to the ownership of the mother church

and I would have to dispose of it.

Of course, the same thing happens

if you miss paying the voluntary mandatory donation

for two straight months.

Nice going, champ.

You signed away everything we own to a crook.

There is nothing crooked about the Divine Prophet Church,

Mr. Sanford.

I mean, if people want to use it for crooked purposes,

that's their business

and no concern of the mother church.

That's right, son.

And remember, to err is human,

and to lay five on this chump would be divine.

No, come on, Pop.

And another thing I neglected to tell you,

your first services must take place within 12 hours

of receiving your charter,

or else ownership reverts to me.

Don't worry, we'll have them.

Then I leave you in peace.

You're lucky you're not leaving here in pieces.

I wish you wouldn't hold me. I'll uppercut him.

You know, now you've done it, Pop.

Now you have really done it. What are we gonna do?

Don't give up, son.

There's one thing that can get us out of this mess.

What's that?

Let us pray. Oh, no.

Look, I'm really worried because this thing is serious.

Now, if Pop keeps the church

this bishop is going to make our lives miserable,

and if Pop drops it,

he'll take away everything we own.

I mean, we can't win either way.

Man, that's too bad.

Hey. Oh, hey, Pop.

I was just filling in Bubba and Jimmy on the thing...

Who's Jimmy?

Oh, this is Jimmy. He's Officer Smith's friend.

Smitty couldn't make it.

You said you wanted a policeman here, so Jimmy came.

Okay, great.

Where have you been?

I've been up in the chapel, meditating.

We thought you fell in and baptized yourself.

See, I was reading this pamphlet from the church.

Well, I hope there's a prayer in there for the homeless.

We only got four hours

before we're supposed to have our first service, you know.

Yeah, what are you gonna do, Fred?

I was reading through the church papers,

and I found out some information that might solve our problem.

Oh, yeah? What did it say?

Well, see, the church has no set rules

for what kind of services you can conduct.

So you could do your own thing.

All right.

If the bishop told people how to worship,

he'd lose a lot of customers.

That's right.

What are you driving at, Mr. Sanford?

See, the church can be fundamentalist, Baptist,

spiritualist, or anything you want, right?

You said that to say what?

I'm saying, dummy,

that the bishop's got a money-making deal going

and can't afford any trouble.

What kind of trouble?

I'm going to bring back some good old-time religion tonight.

Sanfordist.

Oh, glory!

What is this?

I ain't never seen nothing like this in my life.

The man has lost his mind.

Yes, he has.

What kind of a dive pagan put-on is this?

This doesn't look like any church I've ever seen.

I think, Esther, we should really be getting out of here.

You know,

I just want to see that Fred Sanford fall on his face,

but I think I've seen enough.

Ladies, please, don't leave yet.

I'm sure that Reverend Sanford

has an interesting program arranged for us

to justify the collection he'll be making during the service.

Who are you?

I'm Bishop Lovelace,

the national president of the Divine Prophet Church.

What kind of church are you running

to allow a slippery old fox like him to become a minister?

Well, don't be too harsh on Reverend Sanford.

Many a wayward soul have repent

after receiving the higher calling,

and gone on to spend the rest of their lives

doing good work.

I think he'll surprise you.

Yeah, you can say that again.

Oh, good evening, officer.

Welcome to the Divine Prophet Church.

It's comforting to see a policeman

take time from his busy schedule

to come worship with us.

I didn't come to worship.

I'm here to check things out.

The police have had this place staked out for a long time.

But don't worry, they don't know a thing.

I'm just gonna wait one more minute, then I'm leaving.

Hey, I'm leaving right now.

No, no, wait, wait.

Sit down, sit down, it's okay. Go on, it's okay.

But, Woodrow... It's okay.

A-E-I-O-U...

and sometimes Y.

All rise.

Oh, sit down.

Here's the founder of our new sect:

the Seventh Day Junkist, Fred G. Sanford.

And the G stands for "glory, glory hallelujah."

Hello, brethren and sisteren.

Oh.

Hi, Fred!

Uh, Your... Your Reverendshipness.

Why are you dressed like that, heathen?

Now, please, sister,

don't interrupt the services,

or I shall have to have you

kicked in the rear of the sanctuary.

Reverend Sanford, what...? What is the meaning of this?

The meaning of this is that we are all Junkies

who practice Junkism, each and every way,

each in his own heart.

Let us pray.

Give me a J!

J!

Give me a U!

U!

Give me an N! ALL: N!

Give me a K! ALL: K!

What are you giving me?

Junk!

Well, all right!

Now, I say unto you,

you who are without sin, pick up some.

Oh, Tut, Lord of Grapes,

we've had enough hatred, bloodshed and crookedness,

we've had enough of being lied to and lied on

and being cheated by the agents of the devil.

When will it all end?

Brother against brother.

Sister against sister.

Godzilla against Gork.

Minnesota against Oakland.

Let us send the evil... and the ugly away!

Oh, Tut, Lord of Grapes,

cast out our enemies!

The fungus is among us.

You can say that again.

Hark.

The Tub is speaking.

Reverend Sanford, I protest.

Don't interrupt the Tub, bishop.

The Tub says...

The Tub says...

Tut wants a sacrifice in his honor,

or we'll be plagued by locusts

at the height of the Watts Summer Festival.

Who among you will volunteer for the sacrifice?

Great Tut, open your book,

send us a believer.

Pure of heart and not too smart,

skin is tight and pearly white.

We see you.

S-s-somebody stop this.

Tut has spoken.

Not the best, but junk is junk.

You're crazy.

The sacrificial victim shall not speak!

You're all nuts.

Since this is our opening ceremony,

I think it's only right for me, the president,

to take the first whack.

What greater love has man than to sacrifice a friend?

You're all nuts!

Here. Here's your 10 bucks back.

Tear up your church charter and anything else.

You don't owe me anything.

I just want to get out of here.

I want to get away from you crazy people.

Arrest them people!

Take a walk, Wonder Woman.

Okay, now, let's get down to business.

Brother Bubba... Yes, sir?

You're gonna pass around this collection plate.

And remember,

it's better to give than to get one across your lips.

And while Brother Bubba passes among you,

I'm going to read our social calendar for the week.

Our Senior citizens' hustle contest and potluck dinner

will be held on Friday night.

Admission is $2 per person.

Bring your own food and your own music.

On Wednesday we're having our first annual Bigot Beer Bash.

So bring a bigot and some beer, and we'll bash them.

Now, we've got Millionaire's Night on Thursday.

We're having bingo, keno, craps, roulette,

and we're taking action

on Friday's races at Hollywood Park.

Now, remember, we're freeway-close.

We're open seven days a week

for baptisms, weddings...

It was a great idea, Pop,

but we still have to pay the property taxes.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that.

Hey, man, thinking about it isn't gonna get it paid.

We gotta do something.

I am.

I'm gonna raise hell about it in next week's sermon.

Oh.