Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:16,853
See, I'll get in
bright and early
2
00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:19,211
before they can tell me
he's stepped out for the day.
3
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,793
Hello. Is the tax
assessor there?
4
00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:27,230
He stepped out for the day?
5
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,766
Yeah, you can take a message.
6
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,801
Tell him Robin Hood called.
7
00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:35,627
I wanna shove five of
my merry men up his nose.
8
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:39,809
I can tell you stayed up
9
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:41,211
and watched the
late movie last night.
10
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:43,146
Yeah, son, I like
that Robin Hood.
11
00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:45,348
He took from the rich
and gave it to the poor.
12
00:01:45,372 --> 00:01:48,185
Ah, that's the way
to whip inflation.
13
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:51,688
That's the way. I wonder
where that mailman is.
14
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,723
I don't know.
15
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:54,924
But I'd like to know why
16
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,793
you haven't paid the
property taxes yet, Pop.
17
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,761
They can add a 7
percent penalty for that.
18
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,763
I haven't paid it and
I'm not gonna pay it,
19
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:03,533
because part of my taxes
go for public transportation,
20
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,135
and the only buses
I see around here
21
00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:06,570
are the ones
hauling kids to school
22
00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:08,738
that they don't
even want to go to.
23
00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:11,308
Come on, Pop, you
can't fight City Hall.
24
00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:12,942
They'll just end up
throwing you in jail.
25
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:16,635
Then I'll go on a hunger
strike. Goodbye, menudo.
26
00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:22,185
You know you're impossible?
27
00:02:22,209 --> 00:02:24,954
Listen, son, don't worry,
because nothing's gonna happen.
28
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,624
I mean, we're not gonna get
in no trouble at all because...
29
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:30,427
Listen, do you
think for one moment
30
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:33,252
that I would risk
losing all of this?
31
00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:38,535
What are you up to, Pop?
32
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,137
You'll see. I know I will.
33
00:02:41,162 --> 00:02:42,506
I'm not kidding, son.
34
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,841
See, we're gonna be freed
35
00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:48,077
from the nagging,
persistent pain of taxes,
36
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:49,635
and everything else!
37
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:03,493
Speaking of nagging,
persistent pain.
38
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,285
Watch it, sucker.
39
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:10,800
Hello, Lamont.
40
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,068
Hello, Aunt Esther.
41
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:14,837
Nothing you can say will
upset me this morning.
42
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:19,709
I've had a good night's sleep
and I'm as happy as a lark.
43
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:22,279
Then why don't you
just fly on out of here
44
00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:24,169
and dig up a worm
for your breakfast.
45
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:27,184
Hey, Pop, why don't
you dig yourself?
46
00:03:27,208 --> 00:03:29,719
Aunt Esther's not bothering you.
47
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:33,256
That old heathen will never
give me a moment's relief.
48
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:35,947
Esther, do you know
how I spell "relief"?
49
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:40,597
F-I-S-T.
50
00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:44,568
Relief up your N-O-Z-E, nose.
51
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:47,504
Would you stop it? Just
stop it right now, okay?
52
00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:49,339
How's Uncle Woody, Aunt Esther?
53
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,907
He's fine, thank you. Good.
54
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,542
He'll be here later. Oh.
55
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:53,810
Mm-hmm. Here's your mail.
56
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,212
Oh, hey, thanks a lot.
57
00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:57,614
Hey, give me that. I'm expecting
some important mail here.
58
00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:58,615
Let's see.
59
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:01,773
Southern California Gas.
60
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:05,977
Pacific Telephone.
61
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:14,419
Sev... 7-Eleven
revolving charge account.
62
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:17,701
Nothing but junk mail.
63
00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:19,869
Hey, wait a minute. What's this?
64
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:21,705
Oh, that came in the mail.
65
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,773
I guess it got mixed
up with the magazines.
66
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:26,643
It's got the right address
but the wrong name.
67
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:29,112
This is addressed to a
Reverend F.G. Sanford,
68
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:31,770
of the Divine Prophet Church.
69
00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:37,153
That's mine, son. That's
what I've been waiting for.
70
00:04:37,177 --> 00:04:39,789
This could be the big ticket.
71
00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:41,291
Who's Reverend Sanford?
72
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:44,026
This is it, son.
We're on top now.
73
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:47,196
This is the express
train to easy street.
74
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:50,267
No more worries, no more bills,
75
00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:52,535
and especially no more taxes.
76
00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:53,936
What are you talking about, Pop?
77
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,606
Son, I've just been
ordained a full-fledged,
78
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:59,776
bona fide, legal minister in
the Divine Prophet Church.
79
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,645
Get my tambourine.
80
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:04,648
What respectable church
81
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:09,218
would ordain a
beady-eyed jackal like you?
82
00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:12,555
Now that I'm a man of
the cloth, Sister Esther,
83
00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:15,558
I suggest you behave
yourself in my church
84
00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:18,617
because I'll
ex-communicate your face.
85
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,198
Wait a minute. Let
me have a look at that.
86
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:23,600
This can't be right. Let me see.
87
00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:26,525
I'm gonna take a look.
88
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:30,662
Hi, Fred.
89
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,779
Hey, what's happening, Fred?
90
00:05:35,803 --> 00:05:38,348
Well, well, Brother
Bubba. Do come in.
91
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,982
Brother Bubba?
92
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,785
Hey, don't tell me you got it?
93
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:44,020
It arrived this morning. Yeah?
94
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,221
Bubba, you are now talking to
95
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:47,990
the Very Right Reverend
Fred G. Sanford.
96
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,125
Yeah.
97
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:51,361
And the G stands
for "going to heaven."
98
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,732
Hey, this... This looks legal.
99
00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,233
Well, it better be legal
100
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:59,302
because it took me for 10 bucks.
101
00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:00,970
Sure it's legal, Lamont.
102
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:03,740
Didn't you see that guy on
television talking about it?
103
00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:06,576
Man, he's selling them
things by the thousands.
104
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:07,844
Yeah, but what good is it?
105
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,346
What good is it?
106
00:06:09,370 --> 00:06:13,683
Did you ever hear of
a church paying taxes?
107
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:17,086
Huh? Answer me.
108
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,922
Upon this junk I
shall build my church.
109
00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:22,492
I'm a divine prophet.
110
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:25,684
And that's what I
call divinely profitable.
111
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,553
Amen!
112
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:33,370
You better not play with the
Good Book, you old heathen,
113
00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:37,306
or the Lord will cast
you into the fiery furnace!
114
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:40,209
Esther, in your case, I'm
available for exorcisms.
115
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:43,946
I can take you somewhere
and beat the devil out of you.
116
00:06:43,970 --> 00:06:46,616
Fred Sanford, you are immoral,
117
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,986
indecent, blasphemous,
118
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:53,623
and the fires of hell
is gonna reach right up
119
00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:55,592
and pull you down!
120
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,960
Goeth ye of little faith.
121
00:06:57,984 --> 00:07:00,764
Vengeance is mine!
122
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:03,354
And ugly is yours.
123
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:15,111
Get thee behind me, Satan.
124
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:17,013
Oh, glory!
125
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:26,423
Have you read any of
those documents yet?
126
00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:28,991
It says in order for a
church to be tax exempt,
127
00:07:29,015 --> 00:07:30,794
it has to be a corporation, man,
128
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:32,796
with a president, a
treasurer and a secretary.
129
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:33,897
That's right.
130
00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:35,298
I'm the president,
131
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:38,968
and you and Bubba are
all the president's men.
132
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,437
Hey, wait a minute.
133
00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:42,038
Just count me out of this
134
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,507
because it's wrong
and I don't think it's legal.
135
00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:45,775
It is legal.
136
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,577
If the big churches can do it,
137
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,546
then why can't the
little churches do it?
138
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:52,882
I mean, it's called
free enterprise, dummy.
139
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,652
Pop, I can't believe that you
and Bubba would use the church
140
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,386
for a get-rich-quick
scheme, man.
141
00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:59,188
It's not right and
both of you know it.
142
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,791
This Bishop Lovelace
guy who runs the church
143
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:05,328
is getting rich selling those
franchises all over the country.
144
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:06,896
That doesn't make
it legal, Bubba.
145
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,431
I've got a friend
that's a lawyer.
146
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,834
I'm gonna call him up, and
he's gonna check this thing out.
147
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:12,836
But if he doesn't say
what I want to hear,
148
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:16,127
I'm gonna grab him by his
briefs and habeas his corpus.
149
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:20,176
Well, it's legal, all right.
150
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,878
Constitutionally, that is.
151
00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:23,580
What is that supposed to mean?
152
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:26,215
Let me put it like this.
153
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:27,817
There's no law to stop it.
154
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,152
You see, Article One
of the Constitution states
155
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,654
that Congress shall make no laws
156
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,756
respecting the
establishment of religion,
157
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:36,993
or prohibiting the
free exercise thereof.
158
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,161
You see, son, like
you always told me,
159
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:43,099
I need more exercise thereof.
160
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,968
The signed application
was, in effect,
161
00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:47,069
a legal contractual instrument.
162
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:48,938
And without seeing it, Lamont,
163
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:51,207
that's about all I can tell you
164
00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:52,375
except be careful
165
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,377
because these things
can backfire on you.
166
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:56,379
Well, thanks a lot for
coming over, Walter,
167
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:57,981
and, you know, going
to all that trouble.
168
00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,182
No trouble at all. Let
me know how it turns out.
169
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,384
Look, I'll tell you what,
170
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:04,687
just send me a bill for
your services, okay?
171
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:05,688
Oh, no charge.
172
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,256
Consider it a
donation to the church.
173
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,191
Hey, that's very nice of you.
174
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:12,695
When you come to my
services, I'll save you a front seat.
175
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,296
Well, that's very nice
of you, Mr. Sanford,
176
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:15,565
but I'm of a different sect.
177
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,967
That's the trouble
with the world today:
178
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,724
too much sect.
179
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:28,845
♪ Counting up the dough
Counting up the dough ♪
180
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:32,837
♪ We shall come rejoicing
Counting up the dough ♪
181
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,984
♪ Counting up The dough ♪♪
182
00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:43,593
Hey, Fred, you look
great. Don't he, Woody?
183
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:44,727
Yeah.
184
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,696
If I didn't see it
with my own eyes,
185
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,731
I swear I wouldn't believe it.
186
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:52,669
Say, Fred, you could even
pass for respectable in that outfit.
187
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:54,136
And I'll drink to that.
188
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,538
You're not drinking here.
189
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:57,206
You're not drinking
nothing here.
190
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:58,808
Okay, come on, let's
get down to business.
191
00:09:58,832 --> 00:09:59,876
Yeah.
192
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:02,045
Now, look, I'm
officially calling
193
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:05,949
the first church board of
directors meeting to order.
194
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:08,685
Brother Bubba,
you're the secretary.
195
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:11,955
Brother Woody,
you're the treasurer,
196
00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:15,257
but I'll keep the money
and you keep the records.
197
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,427
Okay. Look, Fred, are we
going to get paid for these jobs?
198
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:22,153
You'll be in my daily prayers.
199
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,569
Now, let's get to the
first order of business,
200
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:27,937
which is business.
201
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:32,141
See, I figure between the
collection of bake sales,
202
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:35,044
bingo games, senior
citizens' dances,
203
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,980
arts and crafts sales,
204
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:40,316
plus fees for baptisms,
weddings and funerals,
205
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:42,619
we can make a killing.
206
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:43,653
Right, right.
207
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:44,921
Say, listen, though,
208
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:47,256
what kind of wine are you
gonna serve for the services?
209
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,391
Well, we've got to keep
the expenses down,
210
00:10:49,415 --> 00:10:52,350
so we'll serve
fermented Kool-Aid.
211
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,264
And after the services,
212
00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:58,567
we'll open the cash bar
for the hallelujah hour.
213
00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:01,403
Hey, Fred, you're
gonna be a rich man.
214
00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:03,973
Yeah, that's just for openers.
215
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:07,265
See, I can sell all this junk
and don't have to pay no taxes.
216
00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:10,980
Hey, son,
217
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,850
we just finished a committee
meeting for the trustees.
218
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,084
Pop, what are you wearing?
219
00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:19,243
This is the latest in
double-knit holy casuals.
220
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:23,225
Well, I think His Holiness
is here to see you.
221
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:24,529
Won't you come in?
222
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:31,668
I'd like you to meet my father,
the Very Wrong Reverend Sanford.
223
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:35,071
Reverend Sanford,
how nice to meet you.
224
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:38,975
I am Bishop Lovelace, the head
of the Divine Prophet Church.
225
00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:41,044
I'm sorry to
surprise you like this,
226
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:43,846
but I just wanted to
stop by to wish you luck.
227
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,414
How do you do,
Your Bishopshipness?
228
00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:47,449
So nice of you
to pay us a visit.
229
00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:49,686
This is my son
Lamont, the unbeliever.
230
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,021
And these are my trusted friars,
231
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:55,758
Bubba Tuck and
Woody the wino-hearted.
232
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:57,293
How are you?
233
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,896
Pleasure to meet you.
234
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,665
Where will your devotional
services take place,
235
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:04,067
Reverend Sanford?
236
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,234
You're standing in it.
237
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:08,137
Where will the pulpit
be, and the pews?
238
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,173
The pulpit will be right here
239
00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:13,609
and the pews will be
wherever Woody is.
240
00:12:16,502 --> 00:12:19,682
Well, we'll see you
later, Fred... I mean, Rev.
241
00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:20,983
Come on, Woody, let's go.
242
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:22,185
Yeah, let's get out of here.
243
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:23,519
Don't be long.
244
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:25,487
Remember, an idle mind
is the devil's workshop.
245
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:26,956
Well put, Reverend.
246
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,158
I'm glad to see you're a
man who uses the Proverbs.
247
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:32,361
Oh, sure. Proverbs,
pronouns, adjectives, adverbs.
248
00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:33,362
I use them all.
249
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:36,199
Frankly, Reverend Sanford,
250
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:37,533
I was hoping to see
251
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:40,436
a little more of a traditional
establishment for my church.
252
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:44,373
Can you make it look a little
more like a house of worship?
253
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,508
I'm having a religious picture
254
00:12:46,532 --> 00:12:48,044
painted on the
ceiling next week,
255
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:49,511
like Michelangelo.
256
00:12:49,535 --> 00:12:54,705
It's gonna be Moses parting
an oil spill in El Segundo.
257
00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:57,887
Excuse me, Bishop Lovelace,
258
00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,555
but did I hear you
say your church?
259
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:00,723
Yes, that's right.
260
00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:02,491
All the Divine Prophet
associated churches
261
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:04,660
are technically my property.
262
00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:07,663
You mean all the money that
I make from the bingo games
263
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:10,233
and bake sales and the
wine-tasting contest is yours?
264
00:13:10,257 --> 00:13:12,368
Oh, no. Not at all.
265
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:13,870
If you read the agreement,
266
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:16,438
I only receive a
small percentage.
267
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:19,308
How much? Fifty percent.
268
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,343
But that's just a
voluntary donation,
269
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:24,480
a mandatory voluntary donation.
270
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:28,417
Well, look here, can
I ask you a question?
271
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:29,485
Why, of course.
272
00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:32,076
Are you crazy?!
273
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,057
Believe me, Reverend Sanford,
274
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:36,993
when your church
begins to get involved
275
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:39,461
in large land
speculations, trust deeds
276
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,430
and commercial-property
transactions,
277
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:42,999
you'll find that my services
278
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:45,001
will be well worth
the percentage.
279
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,602
Well, what else do you own?
280
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:47,703
Well, technically,
281
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:50,139
our contract gives me ownership
282
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,374
of the Sanford and
Son junk business,
283
00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:55,444
your home and property,
both real and personal.
284
00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:58,347
Hey, now, just wait a second.
This whole thing is ridiculous.
285
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:01,317
You mean to tell me that
you can take over our business
286
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:02,919
and throw us out
of our own house?
287
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,788
Well, of course, I would
never do such a thing.
288
00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:08,257
Believe me, your
property is safe,
289
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,759
as long as your church exists.
290
00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:13,395
Now, what if the
church ceases to exist?
291
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,831
Well, in that case,
292
00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:17,433
the property reverts to the
ownership of the mother church
293
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:19,068
and I would have
to dispose of it.
294
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:20,569
Of course, the
same thing happens
295
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:23,906
if you miss paying the
voluntary mandatory donation
296
00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:25,374
for two straight months.
297
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:26,542
Nice going, champ.
298
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:28,677
You signed away
everything we own to a crook.
299
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,680
There is nothing crooked
about the Divine Prophet Church,
300
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,015
Mr. Sanford.
301
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:35,451
I mean, if people want to
use it for crooked purposes,
302
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:36,853
that's their business
303
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:39,322
and no concern of
the mother church.
304
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:40,622
That's right, son.
305
00:14:40,646 --> 00:14:42,758
And remember, to err is human,
306
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:45,928
and to lay five on this
chump would be divine.
307
00:14:45,952 --> 00:14:47,296
No, come on, Pop.
308
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,798
And another thing I
neglected to tell you,
309
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:52,468
your first services must
take place within 12 hours
310
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:53,870
of receiving your charter,
311
00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:57,073
or else ownership reverts to me.
312
00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:59,041
Don't worry, we'll have them.
313
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:00,609
Then I leave you in peace.
314
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,578
You're lucky you're not
leaving here in pieces.
315
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:06,015
I wish you wouldn't
hold me. I'll uppercut him.
316
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:08,017
You know, now
you've done it, Pop.
317
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:10,253
Now you have really done
it. What are we gonna do?
318
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:11,553
Don't give up, son.
319
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:14,056
There's one thing that
can get us out of this mess.
320
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,057
What's that?
321
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,848
Let us pray. Oh, no.
322
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:26,602
Look, I'm really worried
because this thing is serious.
323
00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:28,137
Now, if Pop keeps the church
324
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:30,306
this bishop is going to
make our lives miserable,
325
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:31,707
and if Pop drops it,
326
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:33,042
he'll take away
everything we own.
327
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,476
I mean, we can't win either way.
328
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,612
Man, that's too bad.
329
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:37,880
Hey. Oh, hey, Pop.
330
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:40,082
I was just filling in Bubba
and Jimmy on the thing...
331
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:41,483
Who's Jimmy?
332
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:43,085
Oh, this is Jimmy. He's
Officer Smith's friend.
333
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,353
Smitty couldn't make it.
334
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:46,355
You said you wanted a
policeman here, so Jimmy came.
335
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:47,356
Okay, great.
336
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:48,557
Where have you been?
337
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:50,859
I've been up in the
chapel, meditating.
338
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:55,164
We thought you fell in
and baptized yourself.
339
00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:02,972
See, I was reading this
pamphlet from the church.
340
00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:05,474
Well, I hope there's a prayer
in there for the homeless.
341
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:06,976
We only got four hours
342
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,345
before we're supposed to
have our first service, you know.
343
00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:10,879
Yeah, what are
you gonna do, Fred?
344
00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:12,781
I was reading through
the church papers,
345
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,017
and I found out some information
that might solve our problem.
346
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:16,285
Oh, yeah? What did it say?
347
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,787
Well, see, the church
has no set rules
348
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,190
for what kind of
services you can conduct.
349
00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:22,791
So you could do your own thing.
350
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:23,826
All right.
351
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:26,095
If the bishop told
people how to worship,
352
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:27,496
he'd lose a lot of customers.
353
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:28,497
That's right.
354
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,032
What are you driving
at, Mr. Sanford?
355
00:16:30,056 --> 00:16:32,768
See, the church can be
fundamentalist, Baptist,
356
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:35,404
spiritualist, or anything
you want, right?
357
00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:37,406
You said that to say what?
358
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:38,807
I'm saying, dummy,
359
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,043
that the bishop's got a
money-making deal going
360
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:42,578
and can't afford any trouble.
361
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:44,546
What kind of trouble?
362
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:49,318
I'm going to bring back some
good old-time religion tonight.
363
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,253
Sanfordist.
364
00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:53,544
Oh, glory!
365
00:16:56,082 --> 00:16:57,759
What is this?
366
00:16:57,783 --> 00:17:00,029
I ain't never seen
nothing like this in my life.
367
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:01,697
The man has lost his mind.
368
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:03,065
Yes, he has.
369
00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:08,704
What kind of a dive
pagan put-on is this?
370
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:11,073
This doesn't look like
any church I've ever seen.
371
00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:13,976
I think, Esther, we should
really be getting out of here.
372
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,344
You know,
373
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,913
I just want to see that
Fred Sanford fall on his face,
374
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:20,483
but I think I've seen enough.
375
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:22,718
Ladies, please, don't leave yet.
376
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,253
I'm sure that Reverend Sanford
377
00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:27,123
has an interesting
program arranged for us
378
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:29,558
to justify the collection he'll
be making during the service.
379
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,227
Who are you?
380
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,794
I'm Bishop Lovelace,
381
00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:35,664
the national president of
the Divine Prophet Church.
382
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,666
What kind of church
are you running
383
00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:42,004
to allow a slippery old fox
like him to become a minister?
384
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:44,073
Well, don't be too harsh
on Reverend Sanford.
385
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,542
Many a wayward soul have repent
386
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,177
after receiving
the higher calling,
387
00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:50,246
and gone on to spend
the rest of their lives
388
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:51,447
doing good work.
389
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:52,781
I think he'll surprise you.
390
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:55,206
Yeah, you can say that again.
391
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:02,458
Oh, good evening, officer.
392
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,428
Welcome to the
Divine Prophet Church.
393
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,963
It's comforting to
see a policeman
394
00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:09,865
take time from his busy schedule
395
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,133
to come worship with us.
396
00:18:11,157 --> 00:18:13,001
I didn't come to worship.
397
00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:15,504
I'm here to check things out.
398
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:18,340
The police have had this
place staked out for a long time.
399
00:18:18,364 --> 00:18:21,510
But don't worry, they
don't know a thing.
400
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,802
I'm just gonna wait one
more minute, then I'm leaving.
401
00:18:30,743 --> 00:18:32,854
Hey, I'm leaving right now.
402
00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:34,290
No, no, wait, wait.
403
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:36,292
Sit down, sit down, it's
okay. Go on, it's okay.
404
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:38,127
But, Woodrow... It's okay.
405
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:44,054
A-E-I-O-U...
406
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,391
and sometimes Y.
407
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:01,405
All rise.
408
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:05,276
Oh, sit down.
409
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,824
Here's the founder
of our new sect:
410
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:11,660
the Seventh Day
Junkist, Fred G. Sanford.
411
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:14,418
And the G stands for
"glory, glory hallelujah."
412
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:28,244
Hello, brethren and sisteren.
413
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,346
Oh.
414
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:31,880
Hi, Fred!
415
00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:35,173
Uh, Your... Your
Reverendshipness.
416
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,455
Why are you dressed
like that, heathen?
417
00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:41,657
Now, please, sister,
418
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,259
don't interrupt the services,
419
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:44,660
or I shall have to have you
420
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,244
kicked in the rear
of the sanctuary.
421
00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:50,466
Reverend Sanford, what...?
What is the meaning of this?
422
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:53,035
The meaning of this is
that we are all Junkies
423
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:56,705
who practice Junkism,
each and every way,
424
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,907
each in his own heart.
425
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,509
Let us pray.
426
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,411
Give me a J!
427
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:03,445
J!
428
00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:04,446
Give me a U!
429
00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:05,514
U!
430
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,015
Give me an N! ALL: N!
431
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,717
Give me a K! ALL: K!
432
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:09,751
What are you giving me?
433
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:10,753
Junk!
434
00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:13,110
Well, all right!
435
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,730
Now, I say unto you,
436
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:25,301
you who are without
sin, pick up some.
437
00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:30,472
Oh, Tut, Lord of Grapes,
438
00:20:30,496 --> 00:20:33,809
we've had enough hatred,
bloodshed and crookedness,
439
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:37,913
we've had enough of
being lied to and lied on
440
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:40,882
and being cheated by
the agents of the devil.
441
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:42,851
When will it all end?
442
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,920
Brother against brother.
443
00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:46,755
Sister against sister.
444
00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:48,812
Godzilla against Gork.
445
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:54,230
Minnesota against Oakland.
446
00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:58,922
Let us send the evil...
and the ugly away!
447
00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:06,442
Oh, Tut, Lord of Grapes,
448
00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:08,332
cast out our enemies!
449
00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:12,581
The fungus is among us.
450
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:15,751
You can say that again.
451
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:16,775
Hark.
452
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:19,722
The Tub is speaking.
453
00:21:19,746 --> 00:21:22,124
Reverend Sanford, I protest.
454
00:21:22,148 --> 00:21:24,993
Don't interrupt the Tub, bishop.
455
00:21:25,017 --> 00:21:26,717
The Tub says...
456
00:21:29,822 --> 00:21:32,501
The Tub says...
457
00:21:32,525 --> 00:21:35,904
Tut wants a
sacrifice in his honor,
458
00:21:35,928 --> 00:21:38,474
or we'll be plagued by locusts
459
00:21:38,498 --> 00:21:41,810
at the height of the
Watts Summer Festival.
460
00:21:41,834 --> 00:21:45,481
Who among you will
volunteer for the sacrifice?
461
00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:49,418
Great Tut, open your book,
462
00:21:49,442 --> 00:21:51,687
send us a believer.
463
00:21:51,711 --> 00:21:54,956
Pure of heart and not too smart,
464
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:59,295
skin is tight and pearly white.
465
00:21:59,319 --> 00:22:02,731
We see you.
466
00:22:02,755 --> 00:22:04,566
S-s-somebody stop this.
467
00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:06,402
Tut has spoken.
468
00:22:06,426 --> 00:22:09,259
Not the best, but junk is junk.
469
00:22:10,963 --> 00:22:12,007
You're crazy.
470
00:22:12,031 --> 00:22:15,010
The sacrificial victim
shall not speak!
471
00:22:15,034 --> 00:22:16,912
You're all nuts.
472
00:22:16,936 --> 00:22:19,715
Since this is our
opening ceremony,
473
00:22:19,739 --> 00:22:23,118
I think it's only right
for me, the president,
474
00:22:23,142 --> 00:22:26,087
to take the first whack.
475
00:22:26,111 --> 00:22:30,158
What greater love has man
than to sacrifice a friend?
476
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:31,293
You're all nuts!
477
00:22:31,317 --> 00:22:33,762
Here. Here's your 10 bucks back.
478
00:22:33,786 --> 00:22:36,264
Tear up your church
charter and anything else.
479
00:22:36,288 --> 00:22:37,499
You don't owe me anything.
480
00:22:37,523 --> 00:22:39,134
I just want to get out of here.
481
00:22:39,158 --> 00:22:41,503
I want to get away
from you crazy people.
482
00:22:44,096 --> 00:22:45,574
Arrest them people!
483
00:22:45,598 --> 00:22:47,998
Take a walk, Wonder Woman.
484
00:22:57,443 --> 00:23:00,456
Okay, now, let's get
down to business.
485
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,425
Brother Bubba... Yes, sir?
486
00:23:03,449 --> 00:23:06,495
You're gonna pass
around this collection plate.
487
00:23:06,519 --> 00:23:07,863
And remember,
488
00:23:07,887 --> 00:23:10,632
it's better to give than to
get one across your lips.
489
00:23:10,656 --> 00:23:14,102
And while Brother
Bubba passes among you,
490
00:23:14,126 --> 00:23:17,606
I'm going to read our
social calendar for the week.
491
00:23:17,630 --> 00:23:21,910
Our Senior citizens' hustle
contest and potluck dinner
492
00:23:21,934 --> 00:23:23,945
will be held on Friday night.
493
00:23:23,969 --> 00:23:26,882
Admission is $2 per person.
494
00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:29,718
Bring your own food
and your own music.
495
00:23:29,742 --> 00:23:33,822
On Wednesday we're having
our first annual Bigot Beer Bash.
496
00:23:33,846 --> 00:23:36,714
So bring a bigot and some
beer, and we'll bash them.
497
00:23:38,217 --> 00:23:40,829
Now, we've got Millionaire's
Night on Thursday.
498
00:23:40,853 --> 00:23:43,832
We're having bingo,
keno, craps, roulette,
499
00:23:43,856 --> 00:23:45,233
and we're taking action
500
00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:47,269
on Friday's races
at Hollywood Park.
501
00:23:47,293 --> 00:23:50,071
Now, remember,
we're freeway-close.
502
00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:52,173
We're open seven days a week
503
00:23:52,197 --> 00:23:54,998
for baptisms, weddings...
504
00:23:58,137 --> 00:23:59,548
It was a great idea, Pop,
505
00:23:59,572 --> 00:24:01,517
but we still have to
pay the property taxes.
506
00:24:01,541 --> 00:24:03,218
Yeah, I've been
thinking about that.
507
00:24:03,242 --> 00:24:05,487
Hey, man, thinking about
it isn't gonna get it paid.
508
00:24:05,511 --> 00:24:06,488
We gotta do something.
509
00:24:06,512 --> 00:24:07,989
I am.
510
00:24:08,013 --> 00:24:10,025
I'm gonna raise hell about
it in next week's sermon.
511
00:24:10,049 --> 00:24:12,294
Oh.
37590
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.