Original subtitles

♪ Old rocking chair's Got me chained... ♪

♪ Fetch me my gin, son ♪

♪ Before I tan your... ♪

♪ Old rock... ♪♪

I'll get it.

Come in.

Hello, Fred.

Hi, Fred.

Hello, Woody.

I said hello too, Fred.

You did? Yes, I did.

Uh, look here.

Woody, you keep an eye on her.

And I'll call the zoo

and tell them you captured a baboon that looks like a...

A parrot.

Fred!

Now, you're speaking about the woman I love.

I am?

Yes. I love this woman with all my heart.

And all my mind and all my soul.

Good. You'll be all right as long as you don't use your eyes.

Watch it, sucker.

You getting on my nerves.

It would take Muhammad Ali, Rosey Grier,

with an assist from King Kong

to get me on any part of you.

That did it!

That's right.

Ow!

Hey.

Ow! Oww!

Ohh!

Oww. Owwwww!

Oh!

Fred?

Lord, have mercy! What have I done?

Woodrow! This is it.

I got the two big ones,

one in my head and one in my heart.

Oh, Elizabeth, I'm coming, honey.

Have a heart and head man ready.

Oh, Lord, have mercy! What have I done?

Woodrow, what must we do?

Wipe off all the fingerprints and get the heck out of here.

No. We got to save this sinner.

Even the Lord's lowest creature deserves pity.

All right, I'll call the doctor.

Even this heathen deserves to live.

Start to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

I'd rather wipe the fingerprints off.

Thank you, doctor, thank you.

There's the ice bag, doctor.

Good. You'll be fine, Mr. Sanford.

Uh, how much do you get for coming over?

House calls are expensive.

Twenty dollars.

That's fair and reasonable.

Who called you?

I did, Fred.

Then you pay him.

Pop, Uncle Woody called the doctor for you, man.

Well, that's nice of him, but nobody told him to call.

I would have made it all right.

Besides, I don't believe in doctors making house calls.

I'm a Christian economist.

Here you go, doctor. Thanks...

No, Lamont, that's all right.

Let Woodrow pay him.

After all, I'm the one that hit Fred.

You hit me?

Yeah, Fred, I had my silver-plated Bible in my purse.

I forgot.

Wait a minute, Pop. Wait a minute, Aunt Esther.

Pop... What? What? What?

You don't...

You mean you don't remember Aunt Esther hitting you?

No. Did she hit me?

She sure did, Fred.

Police!

Police! LAMONT: Pop, stop it.

Police! Stop it!

I want her arrested!

I want her tried and convicted

and sentenced to the most severe penalty of all,

life in front of a mirror.

Why, you... Here she comes again!

Don't hold me. Don't hold me.

Now, wait a minute, Pop.

Doctor, shouldn't my father remember

being hit by Aunt Esther?

Oh, he will, Lamont.

Obviously he's had a minor concussion

which will bring on temporary and intermittent amnesia.

Huh? What's that, son?

Somebody put some magnesia in my mittens?

I'm sorry, Fred. I really am.

For what? For hitting you.

You hit me?

Police! Police!

Fred, uh...

Then you don't remember anything?

I remember that you've been here all morning

and ain't had a drink yet.

Say, Fred, don't you remember?

I stopped drinking when we adopted Daniel.

Adopted who?

Daniel.

Our son, Fred. Don't you remember?

I think so.

I seem to recall seeing a movie called Son of Wolf-Face.

Pity he can't remember what this lady did for him.

I don't remember.

But I know she belted me with her Bible.

I always heard of that Bible belt.

She did indeed.

And then she tried to save your life.

What did she do?

We thought you was having a heart attack, Fred.

Why'd you think that?

Because when I hit you over the head,

you clutched your head and your heart.

You mean I double-clutched?

Right, Fred.

Pop, the doctor checked your heart out, man,

and everything's all right, so don't worry.

It could have been worse, but it wasn't.

Yeah. We thought you were going.

Almost was.

And so Esther did everything she could to save your life.

What's that?

She gave you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Oh, no!

Oh, no! With her mouth?

That's right.

Oh, man! And my mouth?

Right.

Oh, son! Go boil some water!

Oh, quick! Get me the flip! I got to sterilize my lips.

You should be ashamed of yourself for saying that.

Take it easy, Mr. Sanford.

You need some rest. Don't aggravate yourself.

I don't need no rest.

All I need is a lipectomy.

Come on, Esther.

Let's go home and give Fred a chance to get some rest.

That would be a good idea.

I'm sorry, Fred.

I really am.

Sorry for trying to save my life?

No, for hitting you.

You hit me?!

When did you hit me?

Police! Police!

Police!

So long, Aunt Esther.

Uncle Woody, thanks for coming.

Bye. LAMONT: Thanks for everything.

Try to keep him quiet.

I will, doctor. And thanks a lot for coming over.

We almost lost him this time.

You mean that, doc?

Yes, I do.

A man in your condition should know it could happen any minute.

You're quite fragile and should be very careful.

Forgive me for being so blunt,

but I don't believe in pulling punches.

I like that.

Go catch up with Esther and punch her out for me.

Doctor, I wanted to ask you something.

Will Pop's amnesia pass?

Mmm.

A day or two, things will be back to normal.

Okay. So long, doc.

Well, I guess I'm pretty lucky.

Yeah, I guess you are at that, Pop.

I might've had the big one. Yep.

And I wouldn't have been ready, son.

Well, you know, I don't think anyone is ever ready, Pop.

Oh, I don't mean ready for the one-wayer to your mother.

I mean, you know,

not ready because I haven't organized my affairs.

See, I don't have my estate planned.

I haven't left instructions as to the disposal of my empire.

Well, if I were you, Pop, I wouldn't worry about that.

Son, I must. I don't have a will.

So what?

"So what?"

Do you know what would happen

if this empire fell into the wrong hands?

Yeah.

Be some fool walking around with his hands full of junk.

Junk?

Junk?!

Easy, Pop. Remember your amnesia.

You call this dynasty junk?

What happened to "empire"?

Empire, right, right, right.

See, all this stuff may look like junk.

I mean, that may look like junk

and that may look like junk,

and maybe that over there looks like junk,

but you put them all together and what have you got?

A junk pile.

Wrong!

A junkpire!

I'm gonna see to it that it will live long after I'm gone, son.

Get me a pad and a pencil.

For what?

I'm about to write my first last will and testament.

Get me a pencil and a pad.

I don't know where one is.

Well, I do.

It's right over here.

I'll look over here.

There's so much junk over here you don't know where stuff is.

"The little blue ashtray

"in the center of the castle next to the throne

"with the 20th-century chip in it

"I hereby leave, bequest and bequeath

"and deed eternally and without recourse or return

"for perpetuity to the town of El Segundo.

"It should be placed on the mayor's desk

"and a plaque nailed next to it

saying, 'Sanford Empire, circa 1977.'"

The tall dummy standing before me

I leave to the Hollywood Wax Museum.

Well, I see you're back to normal.

Yes, I am, son. Now get on the phone.

Why?

I want you to call all the people

we have on our special emergency guest list

and invite them over here for 7:00 tonight, on the spot.

For what?

For the reading of my will.

Your will?

That's right. Here it is, right here.

I'm gonna have it typed up today,

sign it, and read it tonight at 7:00.

Now, come on. Get on the phone.

Wait a minute, Pop. Let me explain something.

No, no... Wait a second.

Wait a minute. One never reads one's will.

Why not?

I wrote it

and I don't have any secrets to keep from myself.

Pop, I mean a person doesn't usually have his will read

until after he's passed on.

That's exactly right.

And he's not around to see the faces of everybody

as they get their gifts.

Gifts?

Yeah.

And he's not around to hear anybody say,

"Thanks, dead guy."

"Thanks, dead guy," yeah.

And he's not around to get any presents in return

from the grateful living.

That's... That's true.

Yeah, and mainly, when he gives away all those goodies,

after they go, the government sticks their hand in

and rips off a few dollars for themselves,

whether they in the will or not.

Yeah, right. That's called an estate tax.

Exactly.

Uncle Sam's just waiting for all of us to go

so that he can get his fingers on our money.

You've seen that picture of him with his hand out.

"I want yours."

That's "you."

No, it's not me.

Because I'm giving away all I got before I go.

Oh, I see.

So instead of paying estate tax,

you're gonna pay gift tax.

What's that?

That's a tax you pay on every gift that's over $30,000.

Are you crazy?

Pop... Pop this! Get on the phone.

Get over there and call all the loved ones

and tell them to be here tonight at 7,

because I read the will.

Lamont, I must tell you,

this doesn't appeal to me very much.

There's something very unpleasant

about hearing Fred read his own will.

I... I know, Donna.

But just, see, try to bear with him.

See, he wants to do this

and the doctor feels that the less aggravation Pop has,

you know, the better off he is.

Oh, Lamont, Lamont, Lamont.

What is it, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba?

I'm so sorry for you, Lamont.

We all will miss him.

Uh, B-B-Bubba... Was it quick?

Quick? Yeah, I didn't even see it happen.

Oh, I could have been a much better friend.

Hey, Bubba, you've been a good friend.

No, I could have been much nicer

the times that he was so mean.

I could have been more pleasant at times that he was nasty.

I could have been more understanding

the times that he was so rotten.

Oh, Lamont, I had so many chances.

Because he was always so mean and nasty and rotten.

Uh, uh, Bubba...

Oh, Fred, Fred, please forgive me.

No way.

Please! I didn't... Aarrghh!

Easy, Bubba. Easy.

Sit down.

Sit over here, Bubba. Now, just take it easy.

Easy, Bubba.

What's he doing here?

I live here!

Still?

Still.

But you said we were gonna have the reading of the will.

He wants to do it himself, Bubba.

So he didn't die at all?

Not even for a few minutes.

I wonder why he did that.

All right, all right.

Give me the will.

All right, all right.

Uh, everyone please be seated.

As your name is called,

please rise and I'll tell you what you're gonna get.

All right.

"I, Fred G. Sanford, being of sound mind and body

"except for a bad heart, arthritis,

"and a bump on the head inflicted by Esther Anderson,

"hereinafter referred to as 'Ugly Creature'

"hereby leave all my worldly goods

to the following people in the following way."

Rise, Donna.

Oh, Fred, please.

Please, honey, please.

Don't argue with me on this day,

when I have a pain in my head and a love in my heart.

All right.

"To the beautiful Donna, who has been a dear and trusted friend,

and average kisser..."

Fred!

Well, you don't hug hard enough!

Do you mind? I'm sorry.

"To Donna, I leave all the pictures I have of me."

Oh, Fred.

Yes, that includes my baby picture

with my little rear end uncovered.

Hold it at the right angle during the sunset,

it bears a striking resemblance to Esther.

Why, you...

It also includes

my sixth-grade graduation picture,

which is my favorite.

See, the sixth grade was a wonderful period in my life.

I was young, innocent, had no problems whatsoever.

Those were the best three years of my life.

Thank you, Fred.

The only picture that is not included, Donna,

is the one of Elizabeth and I at the wedding.

I understand.

That I leave to my only son,

as far as I know, Lamont.

Thanks, Pop.

Yeah. More about Lamont later.

That's it, Donna. You may thank me now.

Oh!

Thank you, Fred.

See. Bad hugger. Oh, Fred!

All right. Daniel Anderson, please rise.

Hello, Uncle Fred.

Hello, Daniel.

Now, Daniel, you've been adopted by Esther and Woody.

Now, I know that they love you and I know that you love them.

That's true, Uncle Fred.

And when you have love, you have everything.

That's right, Uncle Fred.

So you don't need anything from me...

except some good advice.

"To my nephew, Daniel Anderson, I leave the following advice."

What's that?

When you need strength, son, and manly support,

the best one to turn to is your father.

When you need love and understanding,

there's no one better to turn to than your wonderful mother.

That's lovely.

Turn to her, just don't look at her.

And you may thank me for that advice one day.

Thanks, Uncle Fred. - Uh-huh.

Rollo Whatever-Your-Last-Name-Is,

please stand up.

What do you mean you don't know my name, man?

Because I'm not good with numbers, convict.

Hey, Pop.

Is Rollo in your will or isn't he, man?

Because I don't think you should embarrass him if he's not.

He's in the will, he's in the will.

I'll tell you again, he's in the will.

"To Rollo, I leave all the loose change

"I've left on tables and under cushions

since I moved into this house."

Oh. All right. Thanks, Pop.

I'm not finished.

I also left Rollo all the pieces of silverware

and knick-knacks displayed on my bric-a-brac shelf.

That's cool too. Uh-huh.

You will find them all collected together in one simple place.

Where's that?

Your house, criminal. Probably under your bed.

Oh, man, that's cold. I'm taking a walk.

Why not?

You've taken everything else.

Bubba, stand up.

To my trusted friend and loyal companion...

Oh, thanks, Fred.

To this wonderful human being,

I leave my checkers set.

Gee, Fred, I don't know what to say.

Well, you don't have to say anything.

It is for Grady. Drop it by his house for me.

Well, what about me, Fred?

I'm getting to that.

"To Bubba, my devoted sidekick,

a man who's been like a brother to me..."

Oh, Fred, I didn't know you considered me your brother.

That's right, Bubba.

To you I leave a deck of playing cards

with which I've won a small fortune over the years.

That's a fact.

You can find the deck in the secret drawer

along with my coded key to the little markings.

You mean you've been cheating me all these years?

Yes. And you call me brother?

Yes, yes. Long-lost brother.

Mostly lost.

Sit down.

Now, Woodrow Anderson,

please rise, if you can.

Now, you know there's really no reason

for those kind of remarks, Fred.

You know I've quit drinking. You know that.

I don't know that.

Uh, Pop, I think you should lie down and rest now.

It's been a very long day for you.

I'm reading my will, son. I'm fine.

But you're starting to have those memory lapses again.

I said I'm fine, didn't I?

Now, be quiet or I'll disinherit you.

All right now, Bubba.

Bubba? No, Woody!

Man, Woody. Oh, yeah. Woody.

"To my dear friend Woody,

I leave all of my handkerchiefs."

Hey, thanks, Fred.

Yeah, see they all oversized and make great blindfolds.

Fred Sanford!

Perfect when you come home at night

and pin the tail on Aunt Esther.

Oh, please, Pop.

Quiet, Bubba.

Hey, it's me, Pop. Huh?

Pop who? Who are you?

Who are you? Who are any of you? Who are all of you?

I don't know none of you. Who am I?

Quick, Woody, call the doctor.

Where am I? Oh, Fred, Fred!

Fred, what have I done to you?

Fred? Fred who?

You!

You, Fred.

Wh-who...?

Who are you?

I'm Esther.

Oh, Esther.

Give me your paw.

Nice doggie.

Nice Doberman.

He may have lost his memory,

but he sure didn't lose his eyesight.

Hey, are you sure

he wouldn't be better off in a hospital, doctor?

No hospitals! I'm not sick.

I'm just having trouble remembering I'm healthy.

Doctor, I'm a nurse. I can stay here with him if you like.

I think that would be fine.

Where is everybody?

I was reading my will

and Woody was correcting me for thinking he was still drinking.

What was this Woody wearing?

Uh, gray suit, a green-striped tie and a tan shirt.

Is that right?

Hey, that's exactly what he had on.

I think we're all better now.

Uh, what was wrong with you, doc?

I will call back tomorrow to make sure.

Do you want to pay me now or shall I bill you?

Pay you? We paid you once today, didn't we?

This is my second house call, Mr. Sanford.

Your swelling's gone down,

and you've got your memory back.

Twenty dollars, please.

Memory?

What memory?

Dollars?

What's "dollars"?

Pop!

Pop? What's "Pop"?

Don't pay him, son.

Don't pay him. I can't remember anything.

You can remember how to cheat him.

Here you go, doctor.

Okay.

I'll show you out, doctor. Thanks a lot.

Thank you very much. Bye.

Thank you for coming.

You're welcome.

Esther!

Oh, my goodness!

Come on in.

What's the matter, Aunt Esther?

I just feel so bad about what I did to your poor father, Lamont.

But, Aunt Esther, he's all right.

Oh, the pain!

Oh, Fred! DONNA: Esther!

He's going to be all right, Esther.

Really?

But what about his memory?

Oh, he got his memory back.

What does "back" mean?

Oh, stop it, Fred.

Now tell her you're all right.

She's been standing outside all this time crying over you.

Now tell her you're all right.

Well...

Well, nothing! Now just go ahead and tell her, Pop.

All right, Esther. I'm all better.

Really? FRED: Really.

Oh, Fred, I'm so relieved.

I would never forgive myself for hitting you.

You hit me? Police! Police!

Stop it, Fred!

Fred Sanford, why must you be so cruel to me all the time?

I'm not cruel to you all the time.

Didn't I send you a bale of hay during Be Kind to Animals Week?

Hey, Pop, that's enough, huh?

And I did include you in my will.

I've had enough of your lies.

Lies? Lies?

Where's my will?

All right, take it easy.

Get me my will!

All right. Just a second. Here.

Here it is. Now listen to this.

Here we go. Let's see.

Uh... yeah, here.

"To my sister-in-law, Mrs. Esther Anderson,

"who I have insulted in jest,

"embarrassed in anger,

"attacked in self-defense,

"I feel she is entitled to a fair and equal treatment.

"With all the love and understanding

"in my heart and soul, "I leave her...

alone."

Why, you beady-eyed...

Hey.

Here you go, Pop.

Ah. Hey, listen. Sit down, son.

Uh, no, I'm not going to eat.

See, I got a date.

No, this will only take a second.

All right. What is it? Well...

I don't want you to think I forgot you.

Hey, I know you didn't forget me, Pop.

But, I mean, I want you to know

that aside from all those little things

that I gave everybody,

I want you to have all the rest.

See, I leave you the entire empire

and the full respect of the emperor

and all the emperor's love.

That's in your will?

It's in my heart.

Oh, hey, Pop.

You dummy, you!

You big dummy!