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1
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♪ Old rocking chair's
Got me chained... ♪
2
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:07,399
♪ Fetch me my gin, son ♪
3
00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:13,372
♪ Before I tan your... ♪
4
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,719
♪ Old rock... ♪♪
5
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:19,856
I'll get it.
6
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,824
Come in.
7
00:01:21,848 --> 00:01:23,993
Hello, Fred.
8
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,228
Hi, Fred.
9
00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:26,696
Hello, Woody.
10
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,965
I said hello too, Fred.
11
00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:30,434
You did? Yes, I did.
12
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,135
Uh, look here.
13
00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:34,538
Woody, you keep an eye on her.
14
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:35,838
And I'll call the zoo
15
00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:38,308
and tell them you captured
a baboon that looks like a...
16
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:39,612
A parrot.
17
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:41,878
Fred!
18
00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:44,914
Now, you're speaking
about the woman I love.
19
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,149
I am?
20
00:01:46,173 --> 00:01:50,287
Yes. I love this woman
with all my heart.
21
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:53,856
And all my mind and all my soul.
22
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:57,949
Good. You'll be all right as
long as you don't use your eyes.
23
00:02:00,921 --> 00:02:04,534
Watch it, sucker.
24
00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,470
You getting on my nerves.
25
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,771
It would take Muhammad
Ali, Rosey Grier,
26
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:10,307
with an assist from King Kong
27
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:12,764
to get me on any part of you.
28
00:02:15,136 --> 00:02:16,746
That did it!
29
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:17,747
That's right.
30
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:19,282
Ow!
31
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,283
Hey.
32
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:24,154
Ow! Oww!
33
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,555
Ohh!
34
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,090
Oww. Owwwww!
35
00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,358
Oh!
36
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:29,359
Fred?
37
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:32,262
Lord, have mercy!
What have I done?
38
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:33,330
Woodrow! This is it.
39
00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:35,031
I got the two big ones,
40
00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:38,034
one in my head
and one in my heart.
41
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:41,138
Oh, Elizabeth,
I'm coming, honey.
42
00:02:41,162 --> 00:02:44,263
Have a heart and head man ready.
43
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:48,512
Oh, Lord, have mercy!
What have I done?
44
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:50,747
Woodrow, what must we do?
45
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:53,539
Wipe off all the fingerprints
and get the heck out of here.
46
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:57,521
No. We got to save this sinner.
47
00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:01,057
Even the Lord's lowest
creature deserves pity.
48
00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:03,793
All right, I'll call the doctor.
49
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:06,196
Even this heathen
deserves to live.
50
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,853
Start to give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
51
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,551
I'd rather wipe
the fingerprints off.
52
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:21,166
Thank you, doctor, thank you.
53
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:28,851
There's the ice bag, doctor.
54
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:32,289
Good. You'll be
fine, Mr. Sanford.
55
00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:35,392
Uh, how much do you
get for coming over?
56
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:37,694
House calls are expensive.
57
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,296
Twenty dollars.
58
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,630
That's fair and reasonable.
59
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:41,698
Who called you?
60
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:42,732
I did, Fred.
61
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,734
Then you pay him.
62
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:48,171
Pop, Uncle Woody called
the doctor for you, man.
63
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,707
Well, that's nice of him,
but nobody told him to call.
64
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,209
I would have made it all right.
65
00:03:52,233 --> 00:03:54,744
Besides, I don't believe in
doctors making house calls.
66
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:57,714
I'm a Christian economist.
67
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,549
Here you go, doctor. Thanks...
68
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,251
No, Lamont, that's all right.
69
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:02,419
Let Woodrow pay him.
70
00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:04,053
After all, I'm the
one that hit Fred.
71
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,922
You hit me?
72
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:08,458
Yeah, Fred, I had my
silver-plated Bible in my purse.
73
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:09,726
I forgot.
74
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,561
Wait a minute, Pop. Wait
a minute, Aunt Esther.
75
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,129
Pop... What? What? What?
76
00:04:13,153 --> 00:04:14,764
You don't...
77
00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:18,235
You mean you don't remember
Aunt Esther hitting you?
78
00:04:18,259 --> 00:04:19,636
No. Did she hit me?
79
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:21,104
She sure did, Fred.
80
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:22,472
Police!
81
00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:23,906
Police! LAMONT: Pop, stop it.
82
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,609
Police! Stop it!
83
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:26,776
I want her arrested!
84
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,545
I want her tried and convicted
85
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:31,814
and sentenced to the
most severe penalty of all,
86
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:34,373
life in front of a mirror.
87
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:36,853
Why, you... Here
she comes again!
88
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,588
Don't hold me. Don't hold me.
89
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,022
Now, wait a minute, Pop.
90
00:04:40,046 --> 00:04:42,191
Doctor, shouldn't
my father remember
91
00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:43,926
being hit by Aunt Esther?
92
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,928
Oh, he will, Lamont.
93
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:48,798
Obviously he's had
a minor concussion
94
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:51,834
which will bring on temporary
and intermittent amnesia.
95
00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:54,036
Huh? What's that, son?
96
00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:57,440
Somebody put some
magnesia in my mittens?
97
00:04:57,464 --> 00:05:00,310
I'm sorry, Fred. I really am.
98
00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:02,479
For what? For hitting you.
99
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:03,680
You hit me?
100
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:06,149
Police! Police!
101
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:07,651
Fred, uh...
102
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:10,019
Then you don't
remember anything?
103
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:12,021
I remember that you've
been here all morning
104
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:13,205
and ain't had a drink yet.
105
00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:15,625
Say, Fred, don't you remember?
106
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,784
I stopped drinking
when we adopted Daniel.
107
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:20,897
Adopted who?
108
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,131
Daniel.
109
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,523
Our son, Fred.
Don't you remember?
110
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,337
I think so.
111
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:33,598
I seem to recall seeing a
movie called Son of Wolf-Face.
112
00:05:35,101 --> 00:05:38,782
Pity he can't remember
what this lady did for him.
113
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:40,317
I don't remember.
114
00:05:40,341 --> 00:05:42,485
But I know she belted
me with her Bible.
115
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:46,623
I always heard
of that Bible belt.
116
00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:47,691
She did indeed.
117
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:49,492
And then she tried
to save your life.
118
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:50,760
What did she do?
119
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,929
We thought you was
having a heart attack, Fred.
120
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:54,464
Why'd you think that?
121
00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:56,333
Because when I hit
you over the head,
122
00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:58,201
you clutched your
head and your heart.
123
00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:01,270
You mean I double-clutched?
124
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:02,472
Right, Fred.
125
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:04,341
Pop, the doctor checked
your heart out, man,
126
00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:05,875
and everything's all
right, so don't worry.
127
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,811
It could have been
worse, but it wasn't.
128
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:09,612
Yeah. We thought you were going.
129
00:06:09,636 --> 00:06:10,880
Almost was.
130
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:14,116
And so Esther did everything
she could to save your life.
131
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:15,284
What's that?
132
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,320
She gave you
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
133
00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:18,555
Oh, no!
134
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:19,789
Oh, no! With her mouth?
135
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:20,957
That's right.
136
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:22,091
Oh, man! And my mouth?
137
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,092
Right.
138
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:25,027
Oh, son! Go boil some water!
139
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:29,932
Oh, quick! Get me the
flip! I got to sterilize my lips.
140
00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:31,934
You should be ashamed
of yourself for saying that.
141
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:33,470
Take it easy, Mr. Sanford.
142
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,238
You need some rest.
Don't aggravate yourself.
143
00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:36,539
I don't need no rest.
144
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,842
All I need is a lipectomy.
145
00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:40,142
Come on, Esther.
146
00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:42,545
Let's go home and give Fred
a chance to get some rest.
147
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:44,280
That would be a good idea.
148
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:45,849
I'm sorry, Fred.
149
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:47,484
I really am.
150
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,652
Sorry for trying
to save my life?
151
00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:52,154
No, for hitting you.
152
00:06:52,178 --> 00:06:53,189
You hit me?!
153
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:54,290
When did you hit me?
154
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:56,760
Police! Police!
155
00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:58,795
Police!
156
00:06:58,819 --> 00:06:59,929
So long, Aunt Esther.
157
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,330
Uncle Woody, thanks for coming.
158
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,588
Bye. LAMONT:
Thanks for everything.
159
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:05,902
Try to keep him quiet.
160
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:08,070
I will, doctor. And thanks
a lot for coming over.
161
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:10,039
We almost lost him this time.
162
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,340
You mean that, doc?
163
00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:12,776
Yes, I do.
164
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,645
A man in your condition should
know it could happen any minute.
165
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:18,581
You're quite fragile and
should be very careful.
166
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,116
Forgive me for being so blunt,
167
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,351
but I don't believe
in pulling punches.
168
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:23,586
I like that.
169
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:27,223
Go catch up with Esther
and punch her out for me.
170
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:30,493
Doctor, I wanted to
ask you something.
171
00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:32,128
Will Pop's amnesia pass?
172
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,329
Mmm.
173
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,765
A day or two, things
will be back to normal.
174
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,037
Okay. So long, doc.
175
00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:45,942
Well, I guess I'm pretty lucky.
176
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,677
Yeah, I guess you
are at that, Pop.
177
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:50,246
I might've had the big one. Yep.
178
00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:51,948
And I wouldn't have
been ready, son.
179
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,884
Well, you know, I don't think
anyone is ever ready, Pop.
180
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:57,119
Oh, I don't mean ready for
the one-wayer to your mother.
181
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:58,421
I mean, you know,
182
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:01,257
not ready because I
haven't organized my affairs.
183
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,292
See, I don't have
my estate planned.
184
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:07,597
I haven't left instructions as
to the disposal of my empire.
185
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,934
Well, if I were you, Pop, I
wouldn't worry about that.
186
00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:12,802
Son, I must. I
don't have a will.
187
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:13,803
So what?
188
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,071
"So what?"
189
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:16,272
Do you know what would happen
190
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:18,875
if this empire fell
into the wrong hands?
191
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:20,142
Yeah.
192
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:23,334
Be some fool walking around
with his hands full of junk.
193
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:26,749
Junk?
194
00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:27,750
Junk?!
195
00:08:27,774 --> 00:08:29,619
Easy, Pop. Remember
your amnesia.
196
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:32,856
You call this dynasty junk?
197
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,290
What happened to "empire"?
198
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:35,992
Empire, right, right, right.
199
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,427
See, all this stuff
may look like junk.
200
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:40,062
I mean, that may look like junk
201
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:41,531
and that may look like junk,
202
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,232
and maybe that over
there looks like junk,
203
00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:46,202
but you put them all together
and what have you got?
204
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:47,871
A junk pile.
205
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:49,639
Wrong!
206
00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:51,508
A junkpire!
207
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:54,911
I'm gonna see to it that it will
live long after I'm gone, son.
208
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,312
Get me a pad and a pencil.
209
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:57,647
For what?
210
00:08:57,671 --> 00:09:00,583
I'm about to write my
first last will and testament.
211
00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,118
Get me a pencil and a pad.
212
00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,419
I don't know where one is.
213
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:04,420
Well, I do.
214
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,756
It's right over here.
215
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,647
I'll look over here.
216
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:14,719
There's so much junk over here
you don't know where stuff is.
217
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:19,736
"The little blue ashtray
218
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,271
"in the center of the
castle next to the throne
219
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,541
"with the
20th-century chip in it
220
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:28,310
"I hereby leave,
bequest and bequeath
221
00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:31,681
"and deed eternally and
without recourse or return
222
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:35,818
"for perpetuity to the
town of El Segundo.
223
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:38,254
"It should be placed
on the mayor's desk
224
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:39,923
"and a plaque nailed next to it
225
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:46,350
saying, 'Sanford
Empire, circa 1977.'"
226
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:05,147
The tall dummy
standing before me
227
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:08,785
I leave to the
Hollywood Wax Museum.
228
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:11,220
Well, I see you're
back to normal.
229
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:13,355
Yes, I am, son. Now
get on the phone.
230
00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:14,356
Why?
231
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,358
I want you to
call all the people
232
00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:18,728
we have on our special
emergency guest list
233
00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:22,031
and invite them over here
for 7:00 tonight, on the spot.
234
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,032
For what?
235
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:25,334
For the reading of my will.
236
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:27,103
Your will?
237
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:30,740
That's right. Here
it is, right here.
238
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:33,076
I'm gonna have
it typed up today,
239
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:36,779
sign it, and read
it tonight at 7:00.
240
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,180
Now, come on. Get on the phone.
241
00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:39,782
Wait a minute, Pop. Let
me explain something.
242
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:40,950
No, no... Wait a second.
243
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,986
Wait a minute. One
never reads one's will.
244
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:43,987
Why not?
245
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:45,321
I wrote it
246
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:47,423
and I don't have any
secrets to keep from myself.
247
00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:50,860
Pop, I mean a person doesn't
usually have his will read
248
00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:53,496
until after he's passed on.
249
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,098
That's exactly right.
250
00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:57,767
And he's not around to
see the faces of everybody
251
00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:00,703
as they get their gifts.
252
00:11:00,727 --> 00:11:01,704
Gifts?
253
00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:02,905
Yeah.
254
00:11:02,929 --> 00:11:05,407
And he's not around
to hear anybody say,
255
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:06,943
"Thanks, dead guy."
256
00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:08,945
"Thanks, dead guy," yeah.
257
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,213
And he's not around to
get any presents in return
258
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:13,082
from the grateful living.
259
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,416
That's... That's true.
260
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,120
Yeah, and mainly, when he
gives away all those goodies,
261
00:11:17,144 --> 00:11:19,656
after they go, the
government sticks their hand in
262
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,924
and rips off a few
dollars for themselves,
263
00:11:21,948 --> 00:11:24,661
whether they in the will or not.
264
00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:27,296
Yeah, right. That's
called an estate tax.
265
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:28,597
Exactly.
266
00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:30,800
Uncle Sam's just
waiting for all of us to go
267
00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:33,169
so that he can get his
fingers on our money.
268
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,538
You've seen that picture
of him with his hand out.
269
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:38,074
"I want yours."
270
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:39,441
That's "you."
271
00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:40,910
No, it's not me.
272
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:43,713
Because I'm giving
away all I got before I go.
273
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:44,714
Oh, I see.
274
00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:46,248
So instead of paying estate tax,
275
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:47,616
you're gonna pay gift tax.
276
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,152
What's that?
277
00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:53,422
That's a tax you pay on
every gift that's over $30,000.
278
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:54,691
Are you crazy?
279
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:56,425
Pop... Pop this!
Get on the phone.
280
00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:58,227
Get over there and
call all the loved ones
281
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,229
and tell them to
be here tonight at 7,
282
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,587
because I read the will.
283
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:07,203
Lamont, I must tell you,
284
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,038
this doesn't appeal
to me very much.
285
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,573
There's something
very unpleasant
286
00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:12,975
about hearing Fred
read his own will.
287
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:14,043
I... I know, Donna.
288
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,745
But just, see, try
to bear with him.
289
00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,146
See, he wants to do this
290
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,648
and the doctor feels that
the less aggravation Pop has,
291
00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:21,117
you know, the better off he is.
292
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:24,854
Oh, Lamont, Lamont, Lamont.
293
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:27,690
What is it, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba?
294
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:30,259
I'm so sorry for you, Lamont.
295
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,695
We all will miss him.
296
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:36,599
Uh, B-B-Bubba... Was it quick?
297
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:39,602
Quick? Yeah, I didn't
even see it happen.
298
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:42,371
Oh, I could have been
a much better friend.
299
00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:45,507
Hey, Bubba, you've
been a good friend.
300
00:12:45,531 --> 00:12:47,309
No, I could have been much nicer
301
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:49,112
the times that he was so mean.
302
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:52,348
I could have been more pleasant
at times that he was nasty.
303
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:54,350
I could have been
more understanding
304
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:56,585
the times that he was so rotten.
305
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:59,588
Oh, Lamont, I had
so many chances.
306
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:05,161
Because he was always so
mean and nasty and rotten.
307
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:06,695
Uh, uh, Bubba...
308
00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:10,032
Oh, Fred, Fred,
please forgive me.
309
00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:11,100
No way.
310
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:15,238
Please! I didn't... Aarrghh!
311
00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:17,173
Easy, Bubba. Easy.
312
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:18,407
Sit down.
313
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,409
Sit over here, Bubba.
Now, just take it easy.
314
00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:21,744
Easy, Bubba.
315
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,012
What's he doing here?
316
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,113
I live here!
317
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,148
Still?
318
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,448
Still.
319
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:29,485
But you said we were gonna
have the reading of the will.
320
00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:31,854
He wants to do
it himself, Bubba.
321
00:13:31,878 --> 00:13:34,390
So he didn't die at all?
322
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,934
Not even for a few minutes.
323
00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,561
I wonder why he did that.
324
00:13:39,585 --> 00:13:41,463
All right, all right.
325
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,032
Give me the will.
326
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,802
All right, all right.
327
00:13:45,826 --> 00:13:51,407
Uh, everyone please be seated.
328
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:53,209
As your name is called,
329
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:57,335
please rise and I'll tell
you what you're gonna get.
330
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:00,416
All right.
331
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:06,222
"I, Fred G. Sanford, being
of sound mind and body
332
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:08,724
"except for a bad
heart, arthritis,
333
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:12,895
"and a bump on the head
inflicted by Esther Anderson,
334
00:14:12,919 --> 00:14:19,101
"hereinafter referred
to as 'Ugly Creature'
335
00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:21,838
"hereby leave all
my worldly goods
336
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:24,807
to the following people
in the following way."
337
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,108
Rise, Donna.
338
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:28,477
Oh, Fred, please.
339
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:29,545
Please, honey, please.
340
00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,147
Don't argue with me on this day,
341
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:35,284
when I have a pain in my
head and a love in my heart.
342
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,820
All right.
343
00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:42,591
"To the beautiful Donna, who
has been a dear and trusted friend,
344
00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:43,692
and average kisser..."
345
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,027
Fred!
346
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:47,529
Well, you don't hug hard enough!
347
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,965
Do you mind? I'm sorry.
348
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:54,036
"To Donna, I leave all
the pictures I have of me."
349
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,738
Oh, Fred.
350
00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:58,407
Yes, that includes
my baby picture
351
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:02,011
with my little rear
end uncovered.
352
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:04,914
Hold it at the right
angle during the sunset,
353
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:08,050
it bears a striking
resemblance to Esther.
354
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,840
Why, you...
355
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:12,654
It also includes
356
00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:14,823
my sixth-grade
graduation picture,
357
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,525
which is my favorite.
358
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:19,862
See, the sixth grade was a
wonderful period in my life.
359
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:24,800
I was young, innocent, had
no problems whatsoever.
360
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:27,904
Those were the best
three years of my life.
361
00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:29,538
Thank you, Fred.
362
00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:31,774
The only picture that
is not included, Donna,
363
00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:34,510
is the one of Elizabeth
and I at the wedding.
364
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:35,511
I understand.
365
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:37,746
That I leave to my only son,
366
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:41,150
as far as I know, Lamont.
367
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,184
Thanks, Pop.
368
00:15:42,208 --> 00:15:44,820
Yeah. More about Lamont later.
369
00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:46,822
That's it, Donna. You
may thank me now.
370
00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:47,823
Oh!
371
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:50,381
Thank you, Fred.
372
00:15:52,218 --> 00:15:54,696
See. Bad hugger. Oh, Fred!
373
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:59,235
All right. Daniel
Anderson, please rise.
374
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:00,636
Hello, Uncle Fred.
375
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,071
Hello, Daniel.
376
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:05,341
Now, Daniel, you've been
adopted by Esther and Woody.
377
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:08,945
Now, I know that they love you
and I know that you love them.
378
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:10,579
That's true, Uncle Fred.
379
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:12,648
And when you have
love, you have everything.
380
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:14,083
That's right, Uncle Fred.
381
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:16,518
So you don't need
anything from me...
382
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:18,687
except some good advice.
383
00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:22,791
"To my nephew, Daniel Anderson,
I leave the following advice."
384
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,026
What's that?
385
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:27,629
When you need strength,
son, and manly support,
386
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:31,300
the best one to
turn to is your father.
387
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,602
When you need love
and understanding,
388
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:37,873
there's no one better to turn
to than your wonderful mother.
389
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:39,175
That's lovely.
390
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:42,811
Turn to her, just
don't look at her.
391
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,147
And you may thank me
for that advice one day.
392
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:48,084
Thanks, Uncle Fred. - Uh-huh.
393
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:49,986
Rollo
Whatever-Your-Last-Name-Is,
394
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,109
please stand up.
395
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:55,458
What do you mean you
don't know my name, man?
396
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:57,893
Because I'm not good
with numbers, convict.
397
00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:58,995
Hey, Pop.
398
00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:00,796
Is Rollo in your
will or isn't he, man?
399
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,999
Because I don't think you
should embarrass him if he's not.
400
00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:05,734
He's in the will,
he's in the will.
401
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:08,404
I'll tell you again,
he's in the will.
402
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:11,207
"To Rollo, I leave
all the loose change
403
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:13,309
"I've left on tables
and under cushions
404
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,177
since I moved into this house."
405
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:18,314
Oh. All right. Thanks, Pop.
406
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:19,482
I'm not finished.
407
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:21,950
I also left Rollo all the
pieces of silverware
408
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:26,288
and knick-knacks displayed
on my bric-a-brac shelf.
409
00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:27,723
That's cool too. Uh-huh.
410
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:32,061
You will find them all collected
together in one simple place.
411
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,462
Where's that?
412
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:36,165
Your house, criminal.
Probably under your bed.
413
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:38,600
Oh, man, that's cold.
I'm taking a walk.
414
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:40,002
Why not?
415
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:42,093
You've taken everything else.
416
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:46,208
Bubba, stand up.
417
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:49,978
To my trusted friend
and loyal companion...
418
00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:52,881
Oh, thanks, Fred.
419
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,650
To this wonderful human being,
420
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:58,187
I leave my checkers set.
421
00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:00,156
Gee, Fred, I don't
know what to say.
422
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:01,823
Well, you don't
have to say anything.
423
00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:05,727
It is for Grady. Drop
it by his house for me.
424
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,396
Well, what about me, Fred?
425
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:08,431
I'm getting to that.
426
00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:11,400
"To Bubba, my devoted sidekick,
427
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,936
a man who's been
like a brother to me..."
428
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,106
Oh, Fred, I didn't know you
considered me your brother.
429
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,907
That's right, Bubba.
430
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,643
To you I leave a
deck of playing cards
431
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:24,746
with which I've won a
small fortune over the years.
432
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,082
That's a fact.
433
00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:28,350
You can find the deck
in the secret drawer
434
00:18:28,374 --> 00:18:32,020
along with my coded
key to the little markings.
435
00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:34,990
You mean you've been
cheating me all these years?
436
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:36,925
Yes. And you call me brother?
437
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:39,695
Yes, yes. Long-lost brother.
438
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:41,763
Mostly lost.
439
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:42,764
Sit down.
440
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,233
Now, Woodrow Anderson,
441
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:47,258
please rise, if you can.
442
00:18:48,894 --> 00:18:50,672
Now, you know
there's really no reason
443
00:18:50,696 --> 00:18:52,274
for those kind of remarks, Fred.
444
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,477
You know I've quit
drinking. You know that.
445
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,412
I don't know that.
446
00:18:56,436 --> 00:19:00,782
Uh, Pop, I think you should
lie down and rest now.
447
00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:02,551
It's been a very
long day for you.
448
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:05,154
I'm reading my
will, son. I'm fine.
449
00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:07,990
But you're starting to have
those memory lapses again.
450
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:09,258
I said I'm fine, didn't I?
451
00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:12,027
Now, be quiet or
I'll disinherit you.
452
00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:13,095
All right now, Bubba.
453
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:14,963
Bubba? No, Woody!
454
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,565
Man, Woody. Oh, yeah. Woody.
455
00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:18,601
"To my dear friend Woody,
456
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:21,170
I leave all of my
handkerchiefs."
457
00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:22,471
Hey, thanks, Fred.
458
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:26,442
Yeah, see they all oversized
and make great blindfolds.
459
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:27,443
Fred Sanford!
460
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:29,111
Perfect when you
come home at night
461
00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:31,046
and pin the tail on Aunt Esther.
462
00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:32,114
Oh, please, Pop.
463
00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:34,250
Quiet, Bubba.
464
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:37,019
Hey, it's me, Pop. Huh?
465
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:38,320
Pop who? Who are you?
466
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:41,223
Who are you? Who are any
of you? Who are all of you?
467
00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:43,025
I don't know none
of you. Who am I?
468
00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:44,293
Quick, Woody, call the doctor.
469
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:46,094
Where am I? Oh, Fred, Fred!
470
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:47,963
Fred, what have I done to you?
471
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:49,665
Fred? Fred who?
472
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:50,666
You!
473
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,034
You, Fred.
474
00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:53,335
Wh-who...?
475
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:54,670
Who are you?
476
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,238
I'm Esther.
477
00:19:56,262 --> 00:19:57,773
Oh, Esther.
478
00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:59,375
Give me your paw.
479
00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:01,610
Nice doggie.
480
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,779
Nice Doberman.
481
00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:05,714
He may have lost his memory,
482
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,583
but he sure didn't
lose his eyesight.
483
00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:12,321
Hey, are you sure
484
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:14,723
he wouldn't be better
off in a hospital, doctor?
485
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:17,025
No hospitals! I'm not sick.
486
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:20,095
I'm just having trouble
remembering I'm healthy.
487
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:22,898
Doctor, I'm a nurse. I can
stay here with him if you like.
488
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,667
I think that would be fine.
489
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,068
Where is everybody?
490
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,469
I was reading my will
491
00:20:27,493 --> 00:20:31,540
and Woody was correcting me
for thinking he was still drinking.
492
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,309
What was this Woody wearing?
493
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:37,779
Uh, gray suit, a green-striped
tie and a tan shirt.
494
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:39,081
Is that right?
495
00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:40,816
Hey, that's exactly
what he had on.
496
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,619
I think we're all better now.
497
00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:45,943
Uh, what was
wrong with you, doc?
498
00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:51,694
I will call back
tomorrow to make sure.
499
00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:54,096
Do you want to pay me
now or shall I bill you?
500
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:57,521
Pay you? We paid you
once today, didn't we?
501
00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:01,169
This is my second
house call, Mr. Sanford.
502
00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:03,004
Your swelling's gone down,
503
00:21:03,028 --> 00:21:05,407
and you've got your memory back.
504
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:06,575
Twenty dollars, please.
505
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:08,611
Memory?
506
00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:10,078
What memory?
507
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,813
Dollars?
508
00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:13,014
What's "dollars"?
509
00:21:13,038 --> 00:21:14,116
Pop!
510
00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:15,183
Pop? What's "Pop"?
511
00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:17,353
Don't pay him, son.
512
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:21,089
Don't pay him. I can't
remember anything.
513
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,692
You can remember
how to cheat him.
514
00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:26,161
Here you go, doctor.
515
00:21:26,185 --> 00:21:27,296
Okay.
516
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:28,997
I'll show you out,
doctor. Thanks a lot.
517
00:21:29,021 --> 00:21:30,699
Thank you very much. Bye.
518
00:21:30,723 --> 00:21:33,243
Thank you for coming.
519
00:21:33,859 --> 00:21:35,671
You're welcome.
520
00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:37,273
Esther!
521
00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:40,008
Oh, my goodness!
522
00:21:40,032 --> 00:21:41,076
Come on in.
523
00:21:41,100 --> 00:21:42,944
What's the matter, Aunt Esther?
524
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:47,816
I just feel so bad about what I
did to your poor father, Lamont.
525
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,018
But, Aunt Esther,
he's all right.
526
00:21:50,042 --> 00:21:52,288
Oh, the pain!
527
00:21:52,312 --> 00:21:53,822
Oh, Fred! DONNA: Esther!
528
00:21:53,846 --> 00:21:56,392
He's going to be
all right, Esther.
529
00:21:56,416 --> 00:21:57,626
Really?
530
00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:59,361
But what about his memory?
531
00:21:59,385 --> 00:22:00,829
Oh, he got his memory back.
532
00:22:00,853 --> 00:22:02,798
What does "back" mean?
533
00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:04,533
Oh, stop it, Fred.
534
00:22:04,557 --> 00:22:06,335
Now tell her you're all right.
535
00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:08,937
She's been standing outside
all this time crying over you.
536
00:22:08,961 --> 00:22:10,606
Now tell her you're all right.
537
00:22:10,630 --> 00:22:11,840
Well...
538
00:22:11,864 --> 00:22:13,909
Well, nothing! Now just
go ahead and tell her, Pop.
539
00:22:13,933 --> 00:22:16,178
All right, Esther.
I'm all better.
540
00:22:16,202 --> 00:22:17,613
Really? FRED: Really.
541
00:22:17,637 --> 00:22:19,981
Oh, Fred, I'm so relieved.
542
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:22,851
I would never forgive
myself for hitting you.
543
00:22:22,875 --> 00:22:26,221
You hit me? Police! Police!
544
00:22:26,245 --> 00:22:27,523
Stop it, Fred!
545
00:22:27,547 --> 00:22:30,592
Fred Sanford, why must you
be so cruel to me all the time?
546
00:22:30,616 --> 00:22:32,561
I'm not cruel to
you all the time.
547
00:22:32,585 --> 00:22:36,031
Didn't I send you a bale of hay
during Be Kind to Animals Week?
548
00:22:36,055 --> 00:22:37,899
Hey, Pop, that's enough, huh?
549
00:22:37,923 --> 00:22:40,101
And I did include
you in my will.
550
00:22:40,125 --> 00:22:41,937
I've had enough of your lies.
551
00:22:41,961 --> 00:22:44,039
Lies? Lies?
552
00:22:44,063 --> 00:22:45,574
Where's my will?
553
00:22:45,598 --> 00:22:46,642
All right, take it easy.
554
00:22:46,666 --> 00:22:47,643
Get me my will!
555
00:22:47,667 --> 00:22:49,511
All right. Just a second. Here.
556
00:22:49,535 --> 00:22:51,814
Here it is. Now listen to this.
557
00:22:51,838 --> 00:22:53,181
Here we go. Let's see.
558
00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:56,084
Uh... yeah, here.
559
00:22:56,108 --> 00:22:59,455
"To my sister-in-law,
Mrs. Esther Anderson,
560
00:22:59,479 --> 00:23:01,757
"who I have insulted in jest,
561
00:23:01,781 --> 00:23:03,592
"embarrassed in anger,
562
00:23:03,616 --> 00:23:05,728
"attacked in self-defense,
563
00:23:05,752 --> 00:23:09,498
"I feel she is entitled to a
fair and equal treatment.
564
00:23:09,522 --> 00:23:12,300
"With all the love
and understanding
565
00:23:12,324 --> 00:23:15,704
"in my heart and
soul, "I leave her...
566
00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:16,972
alone."
567
00:23:16,996 --> 00:23:22,366
Why, you beady-eyed...
568
00:23:28,908 --> 00:23:30,252
Hey.
569
00:23:30,276 --> 00:23:31,754
Here you go, Pop.
570
00:23:31,778 --> 00:23:33,789
Ah. Hey, listen. Sit down, son.
571
00:23:33,813 --> 00:23:35,190
Uh, no, I'm not going to eat.
572
00:23:35,214 --> 00:23:36,324
See, I got a date.
573
00:23:36,348 --> 00:23:38,026
No, this will only
take a second.
574
00:23:38,050 --> 00:23:40,061
All right. What is it? Well...
575
00:23:40,085 --> 00:23:42,230
I don't want you
to think I forgot you.
576
00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:44,266
Hey, I know you
didn't forget me, Pop.
577
00:23:44,290 --> 00:23:45,868
But, I mean, I want you to know
578
00:23:45,892 --> 00:23:47,703
that aside from all
those little things
579
00:23:47,727 --> 00:23:48,970
that I gave everybody,
580
00:23:48,994 --> 00:23:51,573
I want you to have all the rest.
581
00:23:51,597 --> 00:23:55,110
See, I leave you
the entire empire
582
00:23:55,134 --> 00:23:57,479
and the full respect
of the emperor
583
00:23:57,503 --> 00:23:59,147
and all the emperor's love.
584
00:23:59,171 --> 00:24:00,883
That's in your will?
585
00:24:00,907 --> 00:24:03,285
It's in my heart.
586
00:24:03,309 --> 00:24:05,721
Oh, hey, Pop.
587
00:24:05,745 --> 00:24:08,089
You dummy, you!
588
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:10,559
You big dummy!
40861
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