Original subtitles

Chapter Six.

With the Hayworths living so near each other,

it was easy for the cousins

to spend quality time together,

or at the very least, time together.

These are the moments they'll treasure.

Hey, guys.

There's a bear in the apartment!

Your plates are so shiny.

I got them for Denise.

This artist that we love upcycles artifacts of violence.

These used to be tear gas canisters.

Imagine my delight Christmas morning.

Hey, are you guys free on Friday?

I'm throwing a birthday dinner for Emily.

Emily, your ex-wife, Emily?

No, the Emily that threads my brows.

Yes, that Emily.

Now that she's fully moved down here,

we gotta learn to get along, you know?

That's a very healthy attitude,

considering you used to be a little competitive.

No, we were a lot competitive.

I'm never fully comfortable around Emily.

She's like a beautiful ice sculpture

that burns when you touch it.

Yeah, I always got the sense she didn't like me,

mostly 'cause she was always very mean to me.

I kind of miss Emily's pushy, boss-lady confidence

and how she's just so unapologetic about her power

and... but Team Connor.

Is she bringing that guy that she's been seeing?

Who? Alec?

I don't know. She didn't say, and I didn't ask.

But if he shows up, that's totally fine.

You know, what, do you think I'm, like, worried

that he's gonna be more successful

and better looking than me and, you know,

maybe have a house owned by a different,

more famous celebrity?

Those aren't things I think about.

If you're inviting us because you want our,

you know, emotional support, of course we will be there.

No, I'm inviting you because I ordered too much shrimp.

Hmm.

Did someone say something about a bear?

- Subs by kinglouisxx - for www.addic7ed.com

Classic Emily.

A dinner in her honor, and she's not even here yet.

It's called being fashionably late.

Okay, just admit it. You have a crush on her.

I do not.

She just makes me think of

what my life would be like if I had that kind of...

Obscene family wealth?

Globetrotting career?

Perfect teeth?

The kind of body you can only get

with a $500 a week private trainer?

I was gonna say bravado, but, yeah, all that stuff too.

Actually, the teeth are veneers,

and Grant charges $750.

What?

Just kinda, like, crept up on us.

Oh, my gosh. I missed you!

I missed you. Hi.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Okay. - You look so great.

Better than great.

Like the moon.

Sorry that we're late.

It's just, you know, my last day

with Gretchen this week, so we wanted

to make it count, right?

Yeah, and then Mommy let me have ice cream for dinner!

Well, it was frozen yogurt with fruit on top.

- No, it was gummy worms. - Ooh, don't let this one ever talk

to the Securities and Exchange Commission, right?

Gretchen,

go find Lupe and tell her

that you're ready for bed, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

So obviously, this is super weird,

but I still consider you guys family,

and I'm sorry for making things so, you know, ugh.

Look, if it's cool with Connor, it's cool with us.

Oh, Tom. You're here.

I've been here the whole time.

If you say so, right?

Hey! Happy birthday!

Hi. So... yeah...

Oh, okay. Mm, thank you.

A lot of people are excited to see you.

- You wanna do a lap? - Yeah.

Let's catch up,

after I catch up with an Aperol spritz, mm?

I will not move from the spot.

- Okay. You have to calm down. - Okay.

You first, I insist.

- No, you go first. - My liege.

Okay.

They are handling it well.

You know, with Emily seeing someone,

probably won't be long before Connor starts dating.

- Mm. - Us Hayworth men

don't stay off the market for long.

"Us Hayworth men"?

For your information, I was very popular

with the ladies in college.

College was a long time ago.

You just picked up an appetizer and said,

"Who's ready to pâté?"

It's actually a solid joke.

Sorry, mi amor, your game is gone.

I could talk to any lady that I want

at this party right now.

Oh, sweetie,

you wouldn't last five minutes.

Is that a challenge? Okay. Game on.

Allow me to show you how smooth I can be.

Oh.

Okay. Bit of a rocky start.

Just... sorry, um...

Did you go with the satin or silk pillowcase for Emily?

Actually, I went a different way.

I got her "An Oral History of the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire."

It's a book from a used bookstore.

You got a woman who owns a Prada toothbrush

a pre-owned book about people who died in a sweatshop?

No, I saved a tree

while sharing an important moment in U.S. labor history.

What? I would love this if someone gave it to me.

Of course you would love this

because you enjoy this stuff.

I feel like you are not saying something.

Okay.

For my last birthday, I strongly hinted

that I wanted bath bombs

by telling you, "I want bath bombs,"

and instead, you got me...

That adorable bralette made of natural fibers.

It was a burlap bralette that was very itchy.

I'm just concerned it's gonna be an awkward moment

where Emily's opening up your sweatshop book

in front of all her fancy friends.

Opening gifts at the party? What, is she five?

Well, maybe she's just

unencumbered by social norms and...

Sorry.

Team Connor!

Okay.

Hey, guys.

What did you get Emily for her birthday?

Oh, a bottle of perfume.

Yeah, we know it's her favorite 'cause one time

she sprayed it in my face when she thought I was a mugger.

It was pretty clear it was me.

I mean, it was in broad daylight.

Denise thinks that Emily is going to hate my gift,

but you guys always like what I get you, right?

- Oh, my God. Yeah. Totally. - Mm.

What kind of gifts has Sarah given you

over the years that you just love so much?

Yeah.

- Specifically? - Mm-hmm.

- Hmm... - So many.

Yeah, it's hard to choose just one.

You can pick as many as you want.

Thanks, Denise.

I would say the charcoal deodorant

definitely worked and did not give me a rash.

Yes. Tempeh cookbook.

"Tempeh to Z," a classic.

- She loved it. - Oh, good.

So, if pressed, would you say

that my gift giving is, I don't know...

- You... unique. - You.

- Oh, I was... - Unique.

Oh, that's so nice.

Excuse us for a second.

- Tom is on a mission. - Oh.

So we're just gonna go over here.

Okay, I'm gonna go ask Connor.

Sure. Let's keep digging this hole.

Target acquired, J.A.R.V.I.S.

J.A.R.V.I.S., Iron Man's operating system.

You should definitely talk to her about Iron Man

and all that cool stuff in the comics

that was left out of the movies.

She'll probably throw her underwear at you.

Hey. I'm Tom. I'm Connor's brother.

Oh, hi. I'm Linda.

Emily and I were sorority sisters.

Tri-Delts!

Oh!

I always kind of wanted to pledge myself, but...

You don't look like you do well with hazings.

No, you'd be surprised.

- What do you do for a living? - I'm in real estate.

Okay. That must be great in the San Francisco market.

It is, but I'm actually looking to expand

further outside the city.

Oh, okay.

It's "farther."

I'm sorry, what?

It was just, uh, you said "further."

I think you meant "farther." It's a common mistake.

Farther is for physical distance.

But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

You were saying you're in real estate.

If you'll excuse me, I need to get

a little farther away from you.

Okay. It's a sick burn.

Ah. So close to five minutes.

You made it... 56, 57, 58 seconds.

Look, I'm just getting started, okay?

- Hold my drink. - Oh.

I'm going back in.

Okay.

Actually, give that to me.

I don't know what to do with my hands.

So I was looking around,

and I didn't see those Tibetan sound bowls...

the ones I got you last Christmas.

Oh, yeah. No, I never opened those.

But it was a gift.

Yeah, you suck at gifts. You didn't know that?

I've been trying to get her there.

After you got me that novel about that girl in Peru

- who gets cancer... - "Fernanda's Miracle."

And that bracelet made by genius women...

Indigenous women, and it was an anklet.

I just started tossing your gifts in the closet

without unwrapping 'em.

You never got me a puppy, did you?

Think we're running low on shrimp?

I bet we are, oh.

Good on shrimp?

Okay. So I'm a bad gift giver.

- Yes. - Yes.

So Emily's gonna start opening gifts soon.

I need to swap mine out.

Should I re-gift something of Connor's?

Oh, well, that is exactly

what a go-getter like Emily would think.

You need to stop.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Thank you for throwing this. - Oh, yeah, of course.

I don't wanna brag, but are we kind of, like,

killing this whole divorce thing, like, best exes ever?

Right, living our best lives, thriving.

Moving on, dating.

- Uh-huh. - I mean, I...

- I am dating. - Right.

Are you?

No, not yet.

You know, I've mostly just been focusing on, like,

- work and Gretchen, leg day. - Right.

But it's cool, you know.

I'd actually love to meet, um...

- Oh, Alec. - Alec, right.

You know, I was gonna invite him,

but then I figured, you know, it's, like,

just too soon for that.

What? No. No. It's cool.

Oh, yeah. You sound cool about it.

No, I mean, the night's young.

Why don't you tell him to...

tell him to cruise?

- You don't want that. - No, seriously. Text him.

Okay. If you insist.

Consider him texted.

Cool.

You want to meet him, right, Lupe?

Nope.

Cool.

The thing they don't tell you about Model U.N.

is how cutthroat it is.

Oh, sorry. I have to take this.

For 40 years, Magneto is Scarlet Witch's father

and then suddenly, retcon!

What?

See, for me, escape rooms aren't about the puzzle, right?

It's about building a world.

- Nope. - Lupe, please.

Tom's pride needs some alcohol.

This crowd is not sophisticated enough

for my space camp anecdotes.

Of course you don't "go to space."

I mean, space camp is to prepare you for space.

Yeah, yeah.

So I... I told Emily to invite Alec,

and now my brain kinda feels like it's having a heart attack.

Alec, the new boyfriend?

No, Alec Baldwin, the voice of Boss Baby.

Wh...

You said you were okay with him coming over?

Wow, congratulations, Denise.

- You caught me in a lie. - Connor...

I know I made you guys think that I'm, like,

- totally fine right now... - I never thought that.

But I am not totally fine, okay?

I don't want Alec to come here,

but I can't tell Emily that and show weakness.

So, what, I'm just supposed to let this Alec guy show up

at my house that I own and walk around

like he's so great and I'm just some loser?

I'm all in my head, man.

Is this what it feels like to be you, Tom?

- Pretty much, yeah. - Oh, I hate it.

Yeah, it's not great.

I got it.

So Alec can't come to the party

if there's no party, right?

So what if I tell everyone the shrimp is bad

and they gotta go home and brace for impact?

Tom, you can fake diarrhea, right?

How would I fake diarrhea?

That's a good point.

It's gotta be the real thing.

- That's on you, man. - What?

Okay. I'll try.

If you're not ready to meet this Alec guy,

that is totally understandable.

Okay, just tell Emily that.

It is not a sign of weakness.

You want me to admit

that I can't handle meeting her new boyfriend

because this divorce has sucked me

into a black hole of my own emotions?

A black hole isn't actually a hole.

It's compressed star matter...

I hear it. I hear myself now. Sorry.

Fine. I'll tell her the truth.

I'll admit I don't want her boyfriend to come.

Hey, Em. Um, so speaking of Alec...

You know, he's gonna love your place.

He's a huge Matt Damon fan.

He has "Adjustment Bureau" on Blu-ray.

Hmm, I mean, that's lesser Damon,

but anyways, I was thinking maybe...

he shouldn't come.

Okay, because, like, having him here

is gonna make you feel awkward?

What? No. I just... it's getting late,

and I don't want him to, you know,

show up when the party's winding down.

Okay. You know, he's gonna make you awkward.

So I'm just gonna let him know not to come.

I'm not awkward. You're awkward.

- Okay. - And I changed my mind.

I want him here.

Hey, everybody!

A few minutes ago, I invited

Emily's new boyfriend, Alec, to the party.

- What is he doing? - Crashing and burning.

So now that everyone knows that,

can't back out of it.

It's a done deal.

So that's just great, isn't it?

Anyways, there's tons of shrimp.

Please eat the shrimp. Okay.

Cool.

I'm gonna have to go this way. There's nothing over there.

- Any women left to scare away? - Okay.

I'd like to see you try and talk

to one of these people for five minutes.

Easy, peasy.

I might be a little older, have a few more miles on me,

but I could still go all night.

Oh, okay.

Uh, how about this guy?

Okay.

- Hold this. - All right.

I know what to do with my hands.

Oh, that... no, never mind. Thanks.

I'm Marina.

Are you friends with the ex-bride or the ex-groom?

I'm Max, and I'm kind of ex-friends with both.

Sounds like there's a backstory there,

a good five minutes at least.

No. I'm kidding. I'm friends with both of them.

Yeah, it's never good to take sides with the exes.

Oh, I'm about to sneeze. Sorry.

I just... after having three kids,

I don't have the best...

The best bladder control.

- Okay. - Oh.

Whew. Okay, false alarm.

- You were saying? - You know, I should say hi

- to a friend over there. - Right.

Was it the three kids part or the bladder thing?

A bit of both? Okay. Nice meeting you.

- That was just a warm-up. - Okay.

I go to concerts all the time.

The last one I saw was...

well, it was "The Wiggles," but before that...

huh, it was also "The Wiggles."

- They're actually kinda good. - Sorry.

I have to take this.

I know.

Oh, Sorry. For a second there I thought I was leaking.

I'm wearing a real bra for once,

and I didn't put the nursing pads in it.

And sometimes you look down and it's, like,

ah, wet t-shirt contest.

And I see I've tanked this one too.

Moving on.

You think Emily would want a partially used candle

or some lightly worn Nike Air Maxes?

Oh, here it is,

your gift graveyard.

Oh, my God. These are all mine.

Ah! Oh, this was a "Topple the Patriarchy" mug,

and a build-your-own composting kit?

I'm sorry, but these presents are fantastic.

Yeah.

- I'm gonna keep them. - They'd be happier with you.

Yeah.

So... feel like making another run at it, or...

Yeah, me neither.

This used to be so easy for me.

It's like ever since I've had kids,

I've forgotten how to be around grown-ups.

Oh, come on.

It's not that bad.

Ah. Just got worse.

Oh.

Oh, my God. Linda, silk pillowcase!

You know, I've been dying for one of these,

but it's the kind of thing that I would never get for myself.

Okay.

Oh, here it comes.

Don't worry. I took care of it.

Took care of it? Who are you, Ray Donovan?

- From Tom and Marina. - Uh...

Let's see, "The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire,

An Oral History." Okay.

- That's not... we didn't... - And it's used.

Message received, Tom. Moving on.

- Did you switch the cards? - All right.

From Sarah and Denise.

How did you know this is my signature scent?

- I just knew. - No, that was...

Oh, my God, enough, Tom. All right, so just

write this down, Sarah and Denise.

I cannot believe you did that.

That was positively Emily-esque.

Way to own your power.

I'm still tingling.

Sorry.

So where is this guy?

How long am I supposed to wait?

Okay, look, Connor, I could tell

that you didn't want Alec to come,

so I just told him not to.

What? I made it pretty clear that I want him to come.

Did you not hear my big announcement?

See, yeah, that's kinda what did it for me.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

You would feel awkward.

That's why you don't want him to come.

- Uh, no. - You're afraid.

I'm not afraid. You're afraid.

You know what?

If you're gonna be all weird about this Alec situation,

maybe I should just call this party off.

- No, you can't just take my cake away. - Yeah, I can.

What, is there some kind of birthday cake law?

- Yeah, actually, there is. - I'm the host, okay?

Until you blow out the candles, this is host cake.

- It has my name on it! - Oh, yeah?

Oh, my gosh! You ruined my cake!

Why don't you get Alec to buy you a new one?

Because there is no Alec!

Oh, my God. Look what you did.

What's going on?

- Oh, hey. sweetie. - Hi.

we were just, you know, playing around.

Oh, yeah, just having fun.

- Yeah. - Yeah, oh.

Yeah, I thought you guys were, like,

fighting or something.

- No, no. - Oh, no, no, no, baby girl.

I had a nightmare. Do you think you could

check under my bed for bat monsters?

Yeah, of course, but I promise you,

there's nothing there.

But if there is, you know Mommy and Daddy

- will take it down fast, right? - That's true.

- Let's go. - Let's go check it out.

So how do you know Emily?

- What? - Or are you friends

- with Connor? - What are you doing?

Hi, I'm Tom.

I'm a novelist.

You probably haven't read any of my work.

- I'm Marina. - Oh, Marina.

What a beautiful name.

I'm, um... I'm a stay-at-home mom.

Former lawyer.

And I'm thinking of eating this floor cake.

Well, not to brag, but one time,

I ate a dinosaur chicken nugget

that I peeled off my toddler's foot.

Oh, so you have kids?

Oh, way too many.

You do realize Gretchen

just tricked us into reading her five books?

I mean, your unicorn voice was pretty on point.

Oh, that's kind of you to say.

What about you?

You became that magical tree.

The forest is full of wonder.

So why'd you lie?

I wanted you to think that I was

handling this whole divorce thing better than you.

I mean, you're doing so well.

Every time I call,

I can hear your family in the background

talking and laughing, making fun of Tom.

And Gretchen just goes on and on about, like,

how happy she is with her cousins,

and I just, you know,

wanted you to think I'm doing okay too.

I don't know if you've heard, but I'm kind of

the most competitive person in the world.

Mm, I... I don't know. I think I am.

- No, I am. - No, I think I am.

Mm-mm. Well, you were willing to throw this party for me.

So I guess, you know, you win.

Emily, I only threw this party

to convince you I'm doing okay.

Tom would call that irony.

Oh, God. He's so exhausting.

Oh, I know, but trust me,

I'm still struggling with this whole thing.

- I'm a mess. - Aww.

- That's nice to hear. - Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. - It is?

So what do we do now?

Get back down there and salvage some cake.

No, I mean, with us?

I guess we just keep trying to get better at this.

We have to for Gretchen.

For Gretchen. Yeah.

I like leaving someone else's birthday with presents.

Oh, and one of these is for you.

- A bath bomb! - Mm-hmm.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Did you... - Steal it from Connor? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna take this too.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh, man. I should have taken the orchid.