Original subtitles

Hmm.

Fuck. Fucker.

Fuck! Ah!

- Hey, LD! - What?

I need you upstairs... now.

Yo, LD! Where you at?

LD!

LD, what channel is that E! Channel on?

- I can't find it. - I don't know.

- Yeah. - Are you kidding me?

You called me up to ask me about the E! Channel?

I am so sorry that you had to make such a long trek up here.

I'm sitting here suffering with cancer and you had to walk up

some little stairs. Sorry about that, LD.

- What was you doing, anyway? - I actually was opening up

one of those vacuum-sealed packaging and I cut myself on it.

Jeff and Susie got me this GPS...

look at this. Look at this. I can't open those packages.

- Bam! There it is. - Why would you

manufacture a product that you can't open?

LD, I've got an appointment tomorrow at noon

to get my hair and my nails done.

- I want you to take me. - At noon?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay, cannot do it. Sorry.

- Why can't you? - I'm supposed to play golf tomorrow.

Well, just move it to another time.

I can't move it to another time.

Can you play before or after?

Well, why don't you drive?

'Cause I have cancer

- and I want you to drive me. - You do have cancer.

Yes, I do.

But how does it affect your driving?

I don't think the doctor would want me to drive,

so I would prefer for you to take me.

The doctor didn't say anything about driving.

- LD, I have an appointment at noon. - Should we call the doctor

and maybe ask about the driving?

- Just to... - LD, do you know what it feels like

- to have cancer? - I know what it feels like

to be with someone who has cancer.

Ooh, so that's why you should have compassion

and tomorrow at noon take me to my appointment.

- Okay. Okay. - Good. Glad we're clear about that.

Noon tomorrow.

No golf.

I'm going to dinner tonight

with Jeff and Susie and Lewis and his new girlfriend.

- Do you wanna go? - Any black people gonna be there?

- No. - Why would I want to go?

Might be some people with cancer.

No, l... I don't wanna go.

- Could you just get me another tea? - Sure.

- And it's time to make my juice. - I'll be back.

Oh! LD, hold on.

Hey, man, let me talk to you about something real quick.

Hey, I've got a friend named Alton, right.

- Who? Alton? - Alton. Alton.

Big "Seinfeld" fan... loved the freaking show.

He's a little depressed right now.

Trying to, you know... maybe you could give him a call on his birthday?

- He's a big "Seinfeld" fan? - Big "Seinfeld" fan!

- Fucking loves the show, man. - Wow.

Got a fine-ass wife. Wife fine as hell...

I don't know why the guy so depressed with a wife that damn fine.

- Really? Really? - Sick fine. I'm talking sick fine.

- Gorgeous? - Sick meaning "good."

- I got it. Yeah. Yeah. - You get that shit, right?

I've never seen the damn show myself,

but he fricking swears by it.

- Well... all right, fine. - You'll give him a call?

- I'll call him later. - If you can give him a fucking call...

Leave the phone number on my dresser.

I'll leave the number for you. He's gonna fucking flip out,

him and his fine-ass fucking wife.

Well, my next guest is, to say the least,

a maverick in the field of cancer treatment.

Her newest book is entitled "Walking Out on Cancer."

Please say hello to Dr. Karen Trundle.

Now, Dr. Trundle,

how does somebody walk out on cancer?

I do believe that a patient's personal relationships

can contribute to their cancer,

just like living next to a toxic waste dump can actually cause cancer.

If I determine that a patient of mine

is in a toxic relationship with their spouse,

I will counsel them to leave that spouse.

When we're talking about a toxic spouse,

we're talking about what?

Well, someone who is impatient,

someone who's obnoxious,

someone who is petty and argumentative,

and obsesses over meaningless details

at the expense of a harmonious relationship.

Okay, so you're telling me if you met with a new patient

and you saw that they were married to a person like that...

I would counsel them to leave and to never look back.

And that's how they walk out on cancer?

We've got a couple of your patients here...

Drink it up. You're doing great.

Attagirl! Good Job! Good job!

- Thanks, LD. - Good job.

Hey, I heard about this great doctor

and I took the liberty of making an appointment for you...

for us, actually, because I have to go too.

So what wrong with the doctor I've got?

The doctor you have is perfectly fine

but get a second opinion.

- How'd you find out about this doctor? - A friend of mine.

- A friend of yours? - Mm-hmm.

- Who? - Phil.

- Phil who? - Phil Kreel... ton.

Okay, all right. Second opinion.

I'm gonna trust you on this one, LD.

I've got a very good feeling about this doctor,

and when I get a feeling...

- You've got a feeling. ...I get a feeling.

Thanks for the look out, LD.

- Hello? - Oy, Alton, this is Larry David.

- Who? Larry? - Larry David from the "Seinfeld" show.

Larry... oh, Larry David?

I'm a friend of Leon's. He told me to give you a call.

- He said it was your birthday. - Oh, man!

I can believe you're calling me.

- Happy birthday, Alton. - That's amazing.

Man, "Seinfeld" is one of my favorite shows of all time.

Oh, great. Anyway, so happy birthday.

- Thank you. - And Leon said you were depressed.

Although then he said your wife was beautiful,

so I don't know what you have to be depressed about, really.

What... what do you mean about my wife?

- What? - My... why is he talking about my wife?

He's not talking about your wife. He just said she was beautiful.

Yeah, okay. Well, I know she's beautiful

but why is Leon telling you that my wife is beautiful?

- He's complimenting her. - That's not a compliment!

That's like another man looking at another man's woman.

- He didn't say she was ugly. - I knew it was like that!

I've seen them together. They've been talking,

- always laughing. I knew it! - All right, you know what?

- I'm gonna take off. - Yo, is he there?!

- Anyway, it's great talking to you. - Put him on the phone!

Happy birthday and good luck. See you around.

Where you at right now? Tell me where you at!

- Hey, l... l... - Hi.

- Oh, hey. - Just in time.

- We just sat down. - Oh, is that Lewis's new girlfriend?

Yeah. Yeah yeah. She's beautiful, huh?

- It's not gonna last. - You're not gonna believe this

and you've got to swear to secrecy.

- You swear to secrecy? - Come on, I'm a vault.

On the way over here,

she blew him in the car.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

- Blowjob in the car? - While he's driving.

Wow, how gentile.

Not gonna get that close to her, I can tell you that.

- Okay okay. - By the way, I don't approve

- of a blowjob in the car at all. - Really?

More dangerous than cell phones in my opinion.

- What about handjobs? - Any kind of job is dangerous.

It has to affect the driver. I can't deny it.

I think it should be illegal, frankly.

By the way, why do they call it a job?

Is it so hard? Is it a lot of work?

- Well, tugging, sucking. - Tugging.

It's a lot of work. I wouldn't want to do it.

It is a job. No wonder why they don't like it.

Oh, look who finally comes over.

- Hey. Hello. - Hi. Beverly.

Hi. Larry. Hi.

Where have you guys been, huh?

- Huh? Oh, you know... - Just talking, catching up.

- We're sitting here for like an hour... - Yeah, sorry.

...there's no bread, service sucks. - No bread.

Don't you guys want a drink? No drinks.

I'd love a drink. What... what is that? That looks interesting.

- That drink. - Mmm mmm... Pomegranate Surprise.

- Pomegranate juice, blueberry juice. - Uh-huh.

Here, have a try.

You're gonna love it... antioxidants, tequila.

It's fabulous. Mmm.

- Mmm mmm. - Look at the salt on that rim.

- Here. Come on, give it a try. - No no. No, thanks.

- I think you'll like it - I don't think so. Thank you.

- Take a little sip. - No! No.

I don't like to take sips.

I don't. I don't take bites either.

No bites, no sips. Yeah.

- Oh, hey, bread. Fabulous. - Finally.

- Look at this. - About time.

I'm starving.

Thank you, Lar. Very nice of you.

A pleasure. Pleasure.

- I've got the next one, buddy. - Do you?

You going to Michael York's party?

Michael York's party. You know, I really love Michael York,

but the guy... he lives in the boondocks. I'll never find the place.

What about that nav system we gave you?

Great gift, and thank you so much.

I couldn't open... I couldn't open the package.

- What do you mean? - It's entombed in this plastic.

I was stabbing it with a knife. It's impossible.

There's a tab. You pull the tab.

- No, there was no tab, Susie. - No perforation?

- No, no perforation... nothing. - Just get an X-Acto knife

- or a box cutter, okay? - There you go.

- A box cutter? - Yes.

Who am I, Mohamed Atta? I gotta buy a box cutter?

- I mean it's crazy. - We're late.

We're gonna go see "Last Tango in Paris,"

- my favorite film, for the 100th time. - Oh my, "Last Tango in Paris."

What a piece of crap.

"Put butter up my ass."

I mean, is that supposed to be a movie?

Pretention masquerading as art... that's what you've got there.

You know nothing about foreign films or anything. It's all about you.

- We've gotta go. We'll miss the film. - Have you seen it?

- Susie, nice to meet you. - Bye, Beverly. You too.

- Oh, Larry. - Ah!

What's the problem with you?

- What? - Since you arrived,

you've just been... weird.

- What? No. - I was so looking forward to meeting...

- oh! - I-I'm... I'm sorry.

Holy sh...

what the fuck did you do?

She wanted you to have a little drink. You wouldn't take it.

She wanted to kiss you goodbye like an aunt in Brooklyn

at a Seder. You can't even do that?

What is she, a leper, for Christ's sake?

- All right, you want to know why? - Yes, I want to know why.

Come on, tell me the truth. Don't lie to me.

- You know, don't lie. - No, 'cause I have...

okay, I have a cold sore and I didn't want to kiss her.

- You have a cold sore? - Yeah.

And I was... I was embarrassed.

- So why didn't you tell her? - I was embarrassed.

- I'm sorry. - Uh-huh.

I'll never get laid again.

Just tell the whole restaurant.

Larry!

Larry!

Larry!

- You got X-Acto knives? - Sure, right here.

Oh, okay. Can I see that red one?

Sure thing.

I can't open the vacuum-sealed packaging.

- It's impossible. You can't open it. - Oh yeah.

- I'll take this one. - Okay.

Larry.

Why'd you tell Alton I was fucking his wife?

What? Come here. What are you saying?

You told Alton I'm fucking his wife?

No, I said that you said that his wife was beautiful,

and that's all I said. That's all I said.

When you said that shit to him,

that's implying that I'm fucking her.

- Well, just tell him that you're not. - But I am!

- You are? - I'm tapping that ass!

I've been kung-fuing that ass for a while now.

- What is wrong with you? - Fucking... they're the same thing.

Why do you fool around with married women?

- Ass is ass, Larry. - Ass is not ass.

- Ass is fucking ass, Larry. - No, it's not.

- It's what the fuck I do. - You don't have to tap every ass.

Do you? Do you have to tap every ass?

What the fuck we gonna do right now?

- What do you mean "we"? - Alton's gonna fuck somebody up.

I have nothing to do with this! I'm not tapping anybody!

You're tapping! I'm not tapping!

You are combined in this shit now with me, God damn it.

We are Lego. We are a fucking Lego set right now.

We are fucking interlocked together. We fucked her.

Get away from me. Get out of here.

- Fix this shit. Fix it! - I'm not fixing anything.

$10.

First of all, Loretta, I want to say

how sorry I am to hear about your diagnosis,

but I want you to know that we're gonna get you through this...

- Thank you, Dr. Trundle. ...without a doubt.

And there's something that's happening tomorrow night.

I'm actually giving a talk on coping strategies...

- You ever do that? ...for newly-diagnosed patients...

It's like how horses do it, right?

And I can see why they do it. It feels good.

How long have you all been together? This seems...

It's been about a...

...like a fairly new relationship.

- It's been about a year now. - About a year?

How... how would you describe these artifacts?

What is it exactly?

- That's African art. - African?

- Really? Hey... African. - Yes.

What, I'm supposed to have a connection to her 'cause I'm black?

Duh!

Mr. David, please have a seat,

- so I can finish up the history here. - Sure. Okay, sure.

So are you all in what you would call

a happy, healthy, committed relationship?

A happy and a healthy new year to you.

A happy and a healthy...

No, we're talking about our relationship right now.

- Okay, yes. - We... we get along most of the time.

Who's this guy? Is that your husband?

Yes.

Oy, he's got some healthy head of hair, this one.

Yes, he was blessed follicly, yes.

Oh, he was blessed. So, what? I'm unblessed. Is that what you're saying?

No, I wasn't referring to you at all.

Bald people are not blessed?

This has nothing to do with you.

We don't belong on the same planet as the blessed hairs?

Now, as I was saying, the type of relationship that you have,

do you feel that your relationship is...

- Ooh. ...in a comfortable, easy place?

We have differences and things like that...

- Oh yeah. ...but we get along pretty good.

You know, the cancer, how much...

- You remember that commercial? - No.

- Ever see that one? - I have a great idea:

There are some great magazines right outside.

- Right, since he can't focus. - I would like to discuss with Loretta

some very intimate, personal things that, as a woman,

in terms of self-image, I think would be better discussed...

- That would so work for me too. ...just in our company.

Yeah, maybe you'll find a magazine out there

- that'll work for you. - I understand.

- All right. Thank you. - Discuss, you two, you sit, you talk.

You'll have coffee. You'll discuss.

Discuss. You'll talk. You'll do this. You'll do that.

- Have some girl time. - Enjoy, have a good discussion.

I'll be out there. You'll be here.

We'll talk... lat.

You're gonna need to hear something very difficult right now.

- 6:00. - Ah. Mr. Trundle?

Yeah.

I saw your picture on your wife's desk.

Oh, right. Take care then.

- Okay. - All right.

Larry?

Larry David. Dean. Dean Weinstock.

- Oh my God. Hey. - Used to be your next-door neighbor.

- Yeah. Hey. - Hey, man. It is so good to see you.

Hey hey.

- Whoa! - Oh, Christ!

- Oh my God. - These are... are broken.

- Oh, dear. - Thank you.

- Oh, man. - It is just so good to see you, man.

- That's awesome. - Good to see you.

- It's great. - I'm sorry about your glasses.

Don't worry about it. I'll send you a bill.

Tell me, how's Cheryl? How's... where'd you guys move to?

Wha... what... you'll what? You'll send me a bill?

- Is that what you said? - I don't think these can be fixed.

- Wait a second. - Yeah?

- You're gonna send me a bill? - Just for the glasses.

- Why? - 'Cause they're like $219.

L... I didn't break your glasses.

It was the hug that broke 'em. It wasn't you specifically...

- Okay, yeah. ...but you instigated the hug.

I didn't inst... I instigated the hug?

Yeah, I came in for like a shake...

No, I came in for a shake and then I saw you make a move for the hug,

- so I went in. - I kinda remember I said the "Hey."

I think you're mistaking my "Hey" for a hug.

Even if I did initiate the hug...

- Yes? Yeah? ...which I didn't,

that still doesn't make me responsible for your glasses.

They're your glasses. They're around your neck.

With all due respect, I feel like you didn't recognize me

then I did the "Hey," then I did the shake,

then you came in and, because you were so embarrassed

and so mortified that you did not recognize me,

you overcompensated by a superstrong hug

- that broke my glasses. - That's an incredibly idiotic theory.

I think, because you're a needy person,

you wanted me to like you, so you hugged me.

First of all, I'm not a needy person.

Okay? That's number one. I have no needs at all, okay?

I wasn't overcompensating. I don't like you. Why would I want to hug you?

- All right. - I'm not paying for your glasses.

I'm not asking you to pay for the glasses.

I'm asking you to replace these glasses that you broke.

I'm still paying for them even if I replace them,

am I not? What's the difference?

I don't know if you know an optometrist. I don't know.

- No, I don't know any optometrists. - Well, I didn't think you did

so, in that case, that's why I'm invoicing you.

Okay, you send me the invoice. I'll to rip it up into tiny pieces

- and I might even pee on it. - Why... why are we fighting in here?

We're fighting because you're a moron. That's why we're fighting.

You know I have cancer, right?

You know that's why I'm here.

I don't want to have a fight with you.

In fact, my doctor said to not have any fights at all.

Okay, I'll...

I'll pay for the glasses.

You'll replace the glasses.

I'll pay for the glasses.

I appreciate you accepting responsibility.

It feels good, right?

I got a pretty good vibe from that doctor.

Pretty pretty

pretty pretty good.

Yeah, she's pretty smart.

Yeah. Yeah, what did you guys talk about?

She told me there's certain things I've got to do to make sure I get well.

Well, you got to do 'em, you've got to do 'em.

- Yeah. - If that's what she said,

you've got to listen to the doctor.

Because without your health, you're nothing.

Some people are nothing even with health.

I fall into that category sometimes.

A nothing... a big nothing... and I have health.

I would like to go to her lecture tomorrow.

You know what? I'll drive you. How about that?

What can I do for you?

You killed another relationship.

- I did? - That's right, and a special one, too.

This is maybe the most special one I ever had.

Really? The last one was special.

I made a mistake on that one.

There have been quite a few special girls.

I've made mistakes. Not this one.

This one's more special?

This is the most special.

- No question about it? - No question about it.

Is she the most special of all the special girls you've taken out?

- I think she might be. - Really?

That's right, and she needs an apology.

Okay? So come on.

What do you want me to say?

I don't... tell her the truth... you know, the thing.

- Okay, fine. - Thank you.

You'd better get me out of this.

Hey, Beverly. L... honestly,

I am so sorry about what happened in the restaurant

but, um...

- What's wrong? - Would you back up, please?

You're right on my neck here. Just back up a little bit.

- You're breathing down my neck. - Sorry, I'm...

Anyway, I'm really sorry

about not kissing you in the restaurant. That was bad.

But Jeff told me that you gave Lewis a blowjob in the car

before you got to the restaurant, so that's why...

- What?! Jeff said... Jeff said what? - What did you say?

Blowjob? What the fuck are you talking about?

What is this? What, am I in grade three or something?

Look, I haven't had a blowjob in about five years,

- so I was excited, so it slipped out. - I know! I can tell!

You're not gonna have one for another fucking five years!

Why the fuck would you do something like that, huh?

- What? You told me to tell the truth. - Are you fucking crazy?

- Tell the truth? - Yeah.

I thought the truth was that you had a cold sore

for Christ's' sake! That's what the truth would have been!

What? No no no. I made up the cold sore

'cause I didn't want to kiss her! Anyway, you went like this!

That's the sign for blowjob. That's a blowjob sign.

- It's cold sore. It's "I'm choking." - That's cold sore?

That's an I'm-eating- corn-on-the-cob thing.

That's a blowjob, buddy, where I come from. Yeah.

Why couldn't you just kiss her goodbye like a human being?

Kiss her? She's got your semen on her lips. I'm not gonna kiss her.

- She had my semen on her lips. - Yes! Yeah, secondhand semen.

You can't be a homosexual by proxy.

It's probably in the fucking Constitution.

I think you can be gay by proxy.

- Christ. - Anyway, sorry.

How am I going to get home by the way?

Eh, you take a bus.

Can I tell you something? I'm very excited about this lecture.

- Why? - Come on.

How often do you get to listen to somebody this smart?

Not even smart, brilliant. She's brilliant.

I get it. You were impressed. Okay?

Enough with the Dr. Trundle and the brilliance.

I get your point, okay?

Hey, Dr. Trundle's husband.

Yeah. I remember him from the picture.

Yeah, right. Yeah, I saw him yesterday in the reception area.

- Really? - He's probably going to the lecture.

Yeah.

Is that Dr. Trundle?!

Go... it...

LD, is she giving him a blowjob?!

- That's what it looks like. - Oh my gosh!

- Wow. - Oh no.

Oh, no no no no no no no no no, LD.

- I want you to turn this car around. - What?

- Turn the car around! - So she's giving him a blowjob.

- What's the big deal? - No no! I can't trust a woman like that

to cure my cancer, doing something like that in the car!

Are you kidding me?

She must've been doing it for therapeutic reasons.

- I want you to take me home, LD. - The lecture!

LD, turn this car around.

- Hi. - Hi.

Could you please give this to Dean Weinstock? He's a patient here.

- Sure. Okay. - It's a check for his glasses.

- Mr. David. - Hello.

Hi, what a surprise.

- You here alone? - Yeah.

I would love to talk to you. Do you have a minute?

- Sure. - Great. We'll go back to my office.

- Melissa, hold all the calls, please? - Sure, Dr. Trundle.

This way.

Come on in.

I wanted to tell you how disappointed I was

that you and Loretta were not at the lecture yesterday.

And I think the reason that you weren't there

was because you recognized

that I am going to recommend that she leave the relationship.

That terrifies you and that's why

you didn't want her to be there.

No no, that's the furthest thing from the truth.

I have a lot of experience with this,

and I find that men often have this reaction.

It's certainly understandable. It's very threatening.

But the fact is we're talking about a woman's life

and I'm saying something that you just don't want to hear.

It's not true. I reject your hypothesis.

Why didn't she come to the lecture?

- You really want to know why? - Of course I do.

Okay, I'm going to tell you.

We were driving to the lecture, we were on our way...

- Mm-hmm. ...and then

I noticed your husband in the car ahead of us.

Then you picked your head up off of his lap

and Loretta decided that she didn't want anything to do

with a doctor who would, you know, do that.

Who would do what?

Come on.

Oh my God.

My husband was driving the car,

and yes, I dropped my cell phone on his side of the car,

and I was looking for the cell phone.

An awful long time to look for the cell phone.

You are so ridiculous. You are so juvenile.

- I don't know. - You are exactly the kind of man

- I'm talking about in this book. - Me?!

Yes. You are a tiny,

little, insecure, infantile mind

of about a 12-year-old!

- I think you blew him. - Oh my God!

You think I blew him?

You have nothing better in your mind than that?!

You're out of control! Get him out of my office!

Oh shit. Oh shit.

- My shoes are in there. - Alton's here!

- What? - Alton's at the front door!

You brought his wife here? You idiot!

- I know, man. I'm sorry. - You see?

- I'm sorry. - Nothing, right? She's not here. See?

I didn't... I didn't mean to run up all in here

Yeah, you come up here, rushing up here to a white man's house...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just forgive me.

- I'm... - All right, brother.

- Boy! Shit. - I'll see you next week though, okay?

- All right. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's okay. He's gone.

Thank God.

What the hell?!

Okay. Now come on. Get in the car. Get in the car.

We getting the hell out of here and we ain't never coming back.

You got me twisted, LD, okay?

Give your ass a little bitty taste of chocolate,

and next thing you know, you cheating on me?!

That's right. I saw your ass,

you cheating, no-good, bald-headed motherfucker! I'm out!

Fuck you, Larry David! That's some bullshit!

Somebody got on your ass. What happened?

They're gone. We had a big fight.

They're not coming back.

- What? - Yeah.

- Huh. - How do you like that?

That's some shit right there. Mmm.

So, um...

I guess this means you'll be...

Going upstairs, eat this fucking Chinese food...

in my fucking room.

Hey, Lewis, it's me.

I'm on my way to Michael York's.

Maybe I'll see you there.

Otherwise, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Okay, bye.

Holy shit.

Oh my God.

Jeff?!

- Jesus Christ! - Larry!

- What the hell? - Whoa!

I can't believe it.

- What are we going to do? - Oy, I can't believe this!

- What the... Jeez! - All right! Enough!

She was giving you a blowjob?!

Okay, yeah, we know what it is.

- Jesus Christ! - All right, stop it!

- Larry... - I'm stuck. I'm stuck.

- I can't get the seat belt off. ...can you help us?

- I bought an X-Acto knife! - An X-Acto knife!

- It's in the car! - Go get it! Go get it!

- Great! Go get it! Yeah! - I'll cut the seat belt!

- Hurry! - I told you blowjobs were dangerous.

- Come on! - Get the fucking knife!

Fuck!

Oh, Jeff, I can't move!

- Hurry! - No!

- Come on! - Get it!

Get the fucking knife!

- Oh, come on! - What the fuck is taking so long?

Come on!

Oh my God, I smell gas!