Original subtitles

Path� is proud to distribute...

and Arena Films is proud to present

a movie with sound, speech and song,

with Mesdemoiselles

Sabine Az�ma,

lsabelle Nanty,

Audrey Tautou,

and Messieurs

Pierre Arditi,

Darry Cowl,

Jalil Lespert,

Daniel Pr�vost,

and Lambert Wilson

in an operetta by Andr� Barde and Maurice Yvain...

''Not on the lips.''

THlS BEGlNS ONE AFTERNOON lN AUTUMN, 1925...

MADAME GEORGES VALANDRAY WlLL RECElVE GUESTS AT HER HOME

ON TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20. TEA, PORT, BRlDGE.

Oh, when the lady of the house

Shows no nous

And when you come to call she's out and about

Although she asked us with such glee

Here for tea

Lord, how forgetful she can be!

So how on earth can one save face in that case

And what to do for Heaven's sakes with these cakes,

The wonders set for today's spree

That we see

Pride of Battenberg and Dundee?

Gilberte's forgotten us today

l think Gilberte could not care less

Or perhaps love's gotten in the way

She has a man somewhere, l guess

ls it Faradel or Charly

She meets at a hotel?

No, Faradel is too ugly

That poor man, Faradel

Ah ha, l see

You're talking of me

l can't say l'm sad

lf your thoughts are bad

'Bout a man who's here

You call him your dear

lf a chap is here

You call him your dear

Some people say

lf a chap's away

He's fair game for sport

And he'll know not aught

lt may seem like spite

But they are quite right

lt may seem like spite

But they are quite right

Such maladresse

From today's hostess

ls ripe for attack

Getting our own back

What can she expect

After such neglect?

What can she expect after such neglect?

When you criticize her

Make sure you take care

That despite your hauteur

You've a pleasant air

And that your slightest slur

Seems like praise foursquare

Play it grand, make a stand, keep it underhand

When you criticize her

Make sure you take care

That despite your hauteur

You've a pleasant air

And that your slightest slur

Seems like praise foursquare

Pull in your claws and purr

Smile before you glare

-But now let us take tea -Let's take tea

-Let us serve up the torte -And the port

l'll keep the macaroons as round as full moons

And the chocolate creams

That fill up my dreams

Guess what l have just seen

Oh, what can he have seen?

Such great bargains and buys

Where can one find such buys?

-And at all the counters -But where are the counters?

-And on every shelf -Tell us, where is that shelf?

Down at Selfbury and Co.

There a-shopping we'll go for satin and pure silk

And fabrics of that ilk

For fine, bright bengaline and for light mousseline

We ladies can't be blind to bargains of that kind

Down at Selfbury and Co.

There a-shopping we'll go for lace and organdie

Bright madras and paisley Shimmering gold brocade

And bombazine with braid And nice, warm astrakhan

And next summer's gingham

Down at Selfbury and Co.

There a-shopping we'll go for the warmest cashmere

That we all hold so dear

Pongee and messaline

Tartan and velveteen

For mohair and nankeen

And for lustrous sateen

On offer just today

Dear Gilberte is away

-So you may as well go -So we may as well go

Without letting her know

And we'll just sneak out

When the lady of the house shows no nous

And when you come to call she's out and about

Although she asked us with such glee

Here for tea

Lord, how forgetful she can be!

Forgetful she can be!

So how on earth can one save face in that case

And what to do for Heaven's sakes with these cakes

The wonders set for today's spree that we see

Pride of Battenberg and Dundee?

-They've all gone, as you see -So we see!

-And so now you can flee -Let us flee!

Let's be gone Far from this salon

And so be gone!

There are no bargains at Selfbury and Co.

l bargained on the bargains

to rid myself of that little chorus line.

Now that we're alone together, let's carry on.

Good afternoon, Mademoiselle. How are you today?

What do you care, Faradel?

Everyone knows that you're not interested in young girls!

Here you are, teasing me already!

Are you here without Madame Verberie?

Of course. Mother goes her way and l go mine.

She knows that l'm perfectly capable of defending myself.

And even attacking.

Dear Faradel, don't pester me, you won't have the last word.

Nor should l want to.

The last word with you is, ''Marry me!''

Marry you?

Heavens, no!

We all know Faradel's speciality:

you take aim at married women and miss.

l beg your pardon.

Oh, come on, aren't you here hoping

to woo the beautiful Gilberte Valandray?

She's in your sights.

Bang, bang!

Missed!

Know why you'll miss her?

Because you're out of date, my poor Faradel.

Out of date?

Yes. You woo them by attending to their every need,

by sending gifts and, above all, by running errands.

Faradel, alias the taxi!

Well!

Well, that's all out of date.

lt's simply not done, everyone knows that.

Such experience in one so young!

You think young women are still like they were

in my grandmother's day and age.

Don't deny it!

l recall how in a pretty gown

A shy, young girl could turn me upside-down

Flirting held me in its thrall

At a debs' ball!

l like a different style

lt may seem futile

But it makes me smile

l like to go skating

Drink in bars, go dancing

Who cares if it's shocking!

l love the dances of my great aunt's day

Partners held hands in a distant way

l like a different style

lt may seem futile

But it makes me smile

l have the feeling Madame Valandray has forgotten

that she was supposed to be at home for friends today.

There's no need to stand on ceremony with friends.

Besides, Gilberte is a whirlwind,

and a whirlwind doesn't run to a fixed schedule.

Her sister, Mademoiselle Poumaillac,

is more like a whirlwind!

Mademoiselle Poumaillac is a tornado.

l've never known such a turbulent spinster.

Perhaps that's what makes her turbulent.

Ah! That's Mademoiselle Poumaillac.

So l hear.

...and this for the laundry room.

How are you, my dear?

lt's lovely to see you.

How's your mother?

l've left the large parcels in the motor.

Send the man down for them.

Good old Faradel!

Ever loyal...ever precise...

-What have you brought us? -l called to...

My dear, those department stores...

l was only there for an hour but l'm absolutely exhausted.

Guess whom l just met on the Boulevard Haussmann.

P�lissot! The man's the ghost of himself.

He looks a hundred.

His mistress has just left him.

l saw a darling little slip on Rue de la Paix.

Did he catch her in ''flagrante delicto''?

With ribbons along the hem and a lovely cut.

She was a little minx. Darling, absolutely darling.

But you haven't had tea...

We have, we have.

Honestly, why isn't Gilberte here for her at home?

Her mind's never on what she's doing.

Pour me a drop of port.

l take port at tea, it's less debilitating.

-You have an iron constitution! -No, l'm less and less active.

l feel absolutely wiped out.

All right, Faradel, l'm listening now.

l called to bring tickets for a box, tomorrow evening.

At which theatre?

The Cornmarket.

lsn't it in an old joiner's workshop

out beyond the Bastille Square?

That's the place, the audience sits on benches and,

in crepuscular light,

the actors, without sets or costumes,

recite medieval mystery plays in the original Old French.

lt's original, all right.

No one can understand a word. lt's all the rage.

Most interesting. l'm sure we shan't miss it,

but l believe my sister plans to attend tomorrow's premiere

of Ratamu Pataga.

Ratamu Pataga. What is that?

You're the last to hear about anything, Huguette.

lt's the opening night for the Lapland ballet.

The leading dancer is a seal.

Everyone who's anyone will be there tomorrow!

Madame Valandray has tickets?

l believe not.

May l hurry and get you a box, if there are any left?

-Don't go to the trouble. -l'd be delighted.

l'll be right back.

What a charming fellow, always ready to oblige.

-Unusual for a taxi! -A taxi?

l call him the taxi because he's always running errands.

You little minx.

l always speak my mind.

How unwise of you. lf you're that demanding,

you'll never find a husband.

l already have!

Actually, l've chosen him but he doesn't know.

You secretive little madam!

l'm here to seek your support!

l'm all ears, my dear. Who is it?

Charly!

Which Charly?

Charles Brunner, the one we all call Charly.

-You must be mad! -l am, mad about him!

He doesn't have a situation.

What? He's the head of a school.

Oh, yes, the chief competitor of the dada school,

the cubisto-cuneiform school, known as coocoo for short.

Surely you don't plan to set up house on income

from the coocoo school?

l have enough money for two!

Well, he is a very sweet boy.

l was simply exposing the rational objections,

but l have nothing against cubism...

and l love to handle matters of love.

-That's quite rare for a... -Stop.

You were going to say for an old maid.

l hate that term. Firstly, l'm not old...

and if l'm still a maid, it's against my will.

But enough of that.

l'll talk to Charly for you, l promise.

Without naming me.

l can imagine...

Here's my sister at last.

Yes, Juliette, you're late

and l can't abide people who are late.

She's the one accusing others of being late now.

Hello, Huguette!

Where the devil have you been?

l was just at the Spherists' exhibition,

the Supercubists... very crowded.

You could have let me know.

l called you, but you had already left.

Charly took me.

ls Charly well?

He saw me all the way home.

He could have come up, the ill-mannered little lout!

He had an urgent appointment, with some floozy, l think.

Are you leaving because of me?

No, because of the floozy.

No. l left mother in limbo at the seamstress's.

We're expecting you for dinner tonight.

l know. See you later, Gilberte.

You won't forget?

You can count on me.

What a way to receive your guests.

lf l hadn't been here...

lt completely slipped my mind.

Were there many of the usual bores here today?

Just Huguette Verberie and Faradel.

-Faradel gets on my nerves. -Why?

Because he keeps suggesting a rendezvous.

What about Charly, your other admirer?

Now he's much more respectful.

He simply suggests his friend's opium den.

That's the same thing.

l'd like admirers who remain admirers.

l have no desire to make them my lovers.

Why take on a lover

lt's a bother

l don't need the worry

l'm not sorry

But flirting has no importance

That way you keep your distance

l have two suitors, true

But l could never choose between the two

Since l don't wish to pick sides

lt's my husband who decides

He's the one through and through

With whom my heart resides

l'd love my husband so, as a lover, you see

l so like to think he could be

And at night

When he comes

To nestle

By my side

l hide those feelings deep, deep inside

Dreaming of those times when we make love

l cheat against my will

l may cheat but l'm his far and above

And l feel such a heady thrill

l'd love my husband

So, as a lover, you see

Tenderly, ardently, so madly

Now you're quibbling.

Well, l love my husband.

-He's enough for me! -Right.

Valandray's a good man,

much better than your first husband, Eric Thomson.

Really, Arlette, do you have to mention him?

Let sleeping dogs lie!

Didn't you love Mr. Thomson?

No!

Why did you marry him, then?

l was curious.

We were in America and that American intrigued me,

like a wild animal to be tamed.

lt isn't wise to train someone that way in matters of love.

Poor Thomson!

What's become of him?

Still no news?

Really. lf ever my present husband were to find out--

That's right, he has his own particular ideas about marriage!

He wants to be a trailblazer.

Some people prefer to dwell in new apartments!

Luckily, she forgot to have the marriage authenticated

under French law by our consul in Chicago.

Without whom, l'd never have become Madame Valandray.

And that would have been a pity.

Your husband's quite charming!

Yes, he leaves me totally free

and indulges my every whim.

-How's his business doing? -Wonderfully!

The metal works are booming

and he's on the verge of signing a marvellous deal.

The dressmaker has just sent a dress round.

Good, put it in my room.

My dress for tonight's dinner party.

l have to write a note for Huguette.

She wants to marry.

-So young? -She's in love.

l thought she was more modern than that.

With Charly.

Really! Poaching on my territory!

She had no idea she was trespassing.

She can have that small fry. l prefer bigger game.

Young Charly? Small fry?

More of a little monkey, l'd say.

l must write to the boy.

''My dear Charly...

''l'm very curious...

about Spherist art.''

lt's you, Georges!

ls Gilberte home yet?

She's in her room, trying on a new dress.

A serious undertaking that mustn't be disturbed.

Here we are.

lt wasn't easy, believe me.

Hello.

Hello, Faradel. You seem rather agitated.

-Not at all. -Yes, you do!

-What's the matter? -Nothing, old chap.

l just popped in to say hello.

l've heard that before.

Those words never quite mean what they say.

So there you are slaving away

Like each day

Without one minute to waste

ln true haste

When you have the sudden visit

So be it

Of an unwelcome twit

He doesn't see from your ruddy blush

You're in a rush

He says as with an air so sweet

He takes as seat

l just popped in to say hello

To see how you are in life's mad whirl

My youngest girl

Such a pearl

Has learnt to stitch and sew

Top of her class, you know

l just popped in to say hello

And there he stays on as you glower

Hour by hour

Like a cold shower

He just popped in to say hello

You'll be two long months away

People say

But you hurry home in a blur

Earlier

As a surprise in this life

Of harsh strife

For your dear wife

She's in bed on a sunny day

But she's at play With your best friend

lt's so risqu�

You hear him say

l just popped in to say hello

And then you lash out like a thug

At the mug

Of that poor fellow

Who just popped in to say hello

Why all the song and dance?

Do you suppose that one day, l, in a bed with your wife--

lt's what you desire, but it will never happen.

l'll leave you...

No, please, stay, l insist.

Faradel, you're courting my wife.

-l protest! -Don't get carried away.

You court her and yet l'm not jealous.

Do you know why, Faradel?

How can l possibly answer such an absurd question?

Because you trust Gilberte.

True.

But because that trust is based on scientific facts.

Scientific fidelity? What do you mean by that?

l could never marry a widow or a divorc�e

even if l adored her.

l know, that's one of your fixations.

No, not a fixation, merely the application of a theory,

the practical implementation of a system.

l work in metals and l truly believe that marriage,

or rather the first conjugal act,

is like everything else here in this world of ours,

a matter of chemistry.

What is he going on about?

This is already way beyond you. l'm speaking to Arlette.

The union of two beings is like the fusion of two metals.

There are all kinds of precautions and rules.

lf not, you end up with flaws or bubbles.

And adultery is the logical result of a primeval bubble.

lt depends on how the crucible is heated on the wedding night.

lf the imprint is made on pure flesh,

with all the right technical precautions,

well then,

the imprint is indelible and the woman is marked for life

by the seal of the male who first possesses her.

She will never be unfaithful to him.

l can tell you, Faradel,

''Court my wife as much as you like.

lt entertains her and amuses me.''

What a fellow...

and to think l was going to take this seriously.

-But you've gone and given me-- -What's wrong?

Nothing. When l get emotional, it gives me hiccups.

l'm so easily impressed. l'll soon get over it.

Get dressed for dinner.

You're running out of time. l'll do likewise.

See you later, Mademoiselle.

Poor Faradel, he must have a faulty imprint.

Let's finish this letter. ''My dear Charly.

Let's finish this letter. ''My dear Charly.

''l'm very curious about Spherist art.

''Would you be kind enough to send me an invitation?

''Even better, bring me the invitation

and then you can go with me.''

Monsieur Charles Bruner!

Show him in!

How wonderful! My letter has already arrived.

-l'm delighted to see you. -Not as much as l am, Charly.

How is your Coocooism school doing?

Wonderfully well.

My latest field is total art.

My goodness! You certainly stop at nothing!

Or, if you prefer, lyrico-symphonic art.

Anyway, l've painted a picture,

composed a symphony and written a poem.

These three works form a whole:

one is impossible without the other two.

The Holy Trinity!

Could we descend from such lofty heights for a second?

-Lofty heights? -Let's be down to earth.

Surely you're not counting on this poetico-balsamic painting

to make you rich?

But, well, l'm bringing you riches.

ln what form?

-A matrimonial one. -l beg your pardon?

A charming young woman, excellent dowry

and huge expectations.

Then l don't understand.

She loves you, good Lord.

You're serious.

l thought it was a joke.

-Someone wants to marry me? -ls that a rejection?

A categorical and downright rejection.

You don't know what you're missing.

-Tell me her name. -Not on your life.

lf she loves me, l have the right to know her.

l can offer her some form of compensation.

Don't even think about it.

At poker, when you pass,

does the other player show you his cards?

Arlette? What do you think?

Charly! l didn't know you were already here.

lt's exquisite!

-lt suits you. -Do you think so?

You wear it admirably well.

l'm delighted to have the authorization of an artist.

-And a demanding artist at that. -l imagine you are!

After all, he is the head of a cubisto-cuneiform school.

Make fun of me, l don't mind.

lt's all publicity.

What do l care, as long as they talk about me?

Dadaism is over and out

Cubism's had its day

Nowadays without a doubt

Coocooism's the way

All these faddish art schools

And their frantic need to be

They're foolish food for fools

Fatuous, freakish flummery

Publicity, see

When they follow a fad lt's mad

lt makes them glad

Publicity, see

Wield your clout Pout and spout

Get talked about

Publicity, see

Don't go without Don't be a lout

Get talked about!

l have to go dress for dinner.

Think about that poker game of mine.

There's still time to raise the stakes.

l never play.

-You worry me! -Why?

Because children need to be playful.

lt annoys you when people call you a boy.

Yes!

You'll get over it. Cigarette?

Please.

Thank you.

So, what was that game my sister was talking about?

lt's not a game, it's a match.

-And when's the wedding day? -What wedding?

Yours.

ln another twenty years. Girls don't interest me.

So who does interest you?

You do. And you know it.

And why is that?

lt can't be explained.

First of all, there's something strange about you.

At times you make fun of me,

yet at others you listen to me with something akin to sympathy.

l do?

You feel a sort of attraction.

Darling. You attract me. lt's irresistible.

Deny it all you like. l've sensed it clearly.

And when we dance a tango...

you're not unhappy to press against me.

Charly, my boy, l'm going to throw you out.

Do you know what you are?

-You're a tease. -lmpossible!

You enjoy having men around to arouse,

but you never intend to give yourself to them.

lndeed, l don't give, you'll have to come back.

Too bad if l can no longer contain myself.

Gilberte, it's your entire fault.

-Gilberte. -Lord, what's come over you?

You foolish boy. Get your paws off me.

Don't try that again or we'll no longer be friends.

Please, forgive me, it won't happen again.

Just like a child. lt won't happen again.

You bad boy!

Again!

Ah, Charly.

l don't wish to send you packing but you barely have time

to run off home before coming back, kid.

l'll hurry.

You'll see who's the kid when l give your wife one!

Here you are at last!

Here you are at last!

l was about to say the same thing.

Say hello first.

All right.

Hello, darling.

How placid!

Conjugal.

That's what l'm saying.

You haven't noticed anything?

Noticed what?

My dress, for Heaven's sake!

Yes. lt's very nice!

You hadn't even noticed it. That's conjugal too!

l love you in any dress, and all the more without.

That's better!

Will dinner be good?

l hope so!

lt happens to be of capital importance for me.

l have an unexpected guest, a surprise for you.

Why?

lmportant news.

Our fortune increased tenfold, perhaps.

-Lovely! -Once our overseas guest tonight

signs the prepared contract after dinner,

the whole American market will open up to me.

Well!

You'll have your pearls as dessert.

What a delightful husband you are.

l believe l am.

Oh, let's not exaggerate. You have one serious failing.

Which is?

You never tell me that you love me.

But you know l do!

That doesn't matter. l could forget.

Silly child!

Are we not blessed, dear?

Yes!

And do you ever wish to go?

No!

Such exquisite tranquillity!

True, l have never known such calm and immobility!

lt's better than futility

My love for you is not a whim

lt's dim!

ls that all that you could find?

You're blind!

But Gilberte, you're my true love!

Those words have such a sweet tempo

They're wonderful to hear, you know!

Must l repeat them, Heavens above?

Talking about it is not what you do

When a sweet love is true

You stay silent beneath the skies

And let love speak out through your eyes

lf we want love to last

Vast

Then our words must be few

True

All words must be small

Just a kiss, that's all

All

Withal

ln thrall

You see my silence as a plot!

What?

While endearments make you swoon

Goon!

Lying's an easy thing to do

When a man's as silent as you

A woman can't know what is true!

One kiss can give you a clue

Do you feel this love is sad?

Bad!

-You want love to effervesce? -Yes!

Well, l find that worrying!

Your love must be a constant thing

Forever bright and dazzling!

lt's not just some mad, wild fling

Talking about

lt is not what you do

When a sweet love is true

You stay silent beneath the skies

And let love speak out through your eyes

lf we want love to last

Vast

Then our words must be few

True

-All words must be small -Just a kiss, that's all

All

Withal

ln thrall

You silly man. You know l adore you.

-What about you? -For words.

Just think, you're my little wife, my very own.

Monsieur. Monsieur Zambeaux is asking to see you.

Show him into my office.

My business lawyer's brought the contract. Excuse me.

See you later, my millionaire.

-Juliette. -Monsieur.

An American gentleman will be arriving shortly.

Show him into the small drawing room

and let me know right away.

Monsieur Eric Thomson, an American.

Eric Thomson!

No, l can't have heard properly, that's impossible!

What on earth's wrong?

What do you think of my dress?

The dress is what's wrong.

Do you have any idea whom this dinner is in honour of?

Eric Thomson.

Eric Thomson?

Her first husband!

Yes, and Georges knows nothing about my first marriage.

What's going to happen?

He expounded his ideas earlier, it's all a matter of chemistry.

What are we going to do?

Pretend you've fallen ill all of a sudden and take to your bed.

That's just putting off the inevitable.

My second husband is about to introduce me to my first.

You must speak to Eric first.

That's the door. lt's him. You greet him, l'm too nervous.

Be eloquent.

l'll try but the fellow always hated the very sight of me.

l can imagine your surprise, Monsieur.

You didn't expect to find me here?

l must admit that, myself.

You're looking very well.

l'm quite well myself, too, thank you.

You're wondering what l'm doing here?

Yes, l can tell,

seeing me here, displaying such familiarity,

you're probably thinking that l'm a member

of Monsieur Valandray's inner circle.

Well. That's right. l'm part of his family

and l shall now answer the second question

that is burning your lips and that you don't dare to ask.

You've always been such a tactful fellow, Eric.

You don't mind me calling you Eric after all this time?

Thank you, l expected nothing less of your exquisite courtesy.

A drop of port?

Forgive me. ln my confusion,

l forgot how fond you are of port.

l didn't offer you a glass.

Eric, how l so wish we could clear up

this misunderstanding between us,

there's no reason for it anymore.

To your good health.

l was the cause of your divorce, l know.

You found me to be a bit...

of a burden.

Say it, go on. l don't mind.

Can we bury the hatchet, Eric?

l see, you don't want to mention it again.

Very well, that's that, let's not mention it again.

Should l fetch my sister for you?

You'll see her right away.

What a grouch!

-Have you told him? -Not yet!

He hasn't opened his mouth.

Anyone would think he no longer speaks a word of French.

Monsieur Thomson, l have something to tell you.

l'm Monsieur Valandray's wife.

And so there's something l must ask of you.

-lf you stay-- -What do you say?

-Do not betray -What do you say?

-Our past today -What do you say?

lt could be bad

-lt can be seen -What do you mean?

-As go-between -What do you mean?

-You're not serene -What do you mean?

Oh, this is mad!

-ln God's name -What do you want?

-Think of the shame -What do you want?

-lt's not a game -What do you want?

Don't be a cad

-lf he's au fait -What do you say?

-ln the least way -What do you say?

The consequences would be dire

Without a doubt

-He's just a lout! -lt's a real snafu

You were married, true But no one must ever know

-What do you mean? -You're a has-been!

Husband number two

Could well misconstrue

lf you broke the status quo

-What do you want? -Am l to blame?

lt's a real snafu

She wed after you

And the news could be a big blow

-What do you say? -Lord, what a day!

ls this all for play?

His ''What do you say?''

l thought he'd understand some way

He'll have to pay!

lt's a real snafu

You were married, true

But no one must ever know

-What do you mean? -l'll take my aim!

Husband number two

Could well misconstrue

lf you broke the status quo!

-What do you say? -Please go away!

lt's a waste of time

He reasons in rhyme!

lt's invo

-What is it, veau? -lt's invo

What is it veau?

l think it's involuntary

Or he's the slyest of us three

He's lost all his French, you can see

What do you say?

Oh, go away!

Oh, you're already here?

No one informed me of your presence

More an absence!

He's here, my dear

The introductions have been done?

Well done!

Well done!

And he's met everyone!

Everyone, l must profess!

And so you've met my wife!

So let's see where we're all at!

Enough, let's leave it at that!

And here now are our three dear friends

Huguette Verberie

Charly and Faradel

-How d'you do, cher Monsieur -Cher Monsieur, how d'you do

How d'you do

l don't quite like his style

That's a Yankee profile?

He could be from Carlisle

He's not that handsome

With his mug like a Hun

And he can't be much fun

You were dreaming of a real man

This one looks like he could be called Anne

l like a different style

lt may seem futile

But that makes me smile

l am dying with hunger.

Lord knows what he needs How he pleads

He needs it here and now!

What's he demanding?

He must be sucking on a plum lt sounds so rum!

What's he demanding?

lf nature calls, he shouldn't be shy

We don't wish to pry

l pray my husband can't tell that l'm lying!

Oh, good Lord above, l feel like dying!

Dinner is served.

All right You see!

Hungry!

Here we are, our minds in havoc

While he's obsessed by his own stomach

lt's a nice, light dinner, just to say hello

A simple meal with dainty trifles

Fresh cockles

Creamed morels

Smoked salmon from Oslo

And a fine Bordeaux

A nice, light dinner, just to say hello

Grilled lobster and a fat roast goose

Chocolate mousse

Nice and light, you know

A nice, light dinner, just to say hello

lt's a nice, light dinner, just to say hello

A simple meal with dainty trifles

Fresh cockles

Creamed morels

Smoked salmon from Oslo And a fine Bordeaux

A nice, light dinner, just to say hello

Grilled lobster and a fat roast goose

Chocolate mousse

Nice and light, you know

A nice, light dinner, just to say hello

AND TEN DAYS LATER AT 7:00 P.M...

MR. AND MRS. GEORGES VALANDRAY REQUEST THE HONOUR

OF YOUR PRESENCE FRlDAY, OCTOBER 30, 9:00 TO MlDNlGHT.

AN EXCERPT FROM CHARLES BRUNNER'S PLAY

''PRlMlTlVE SOULS'' WlLL BE PRESENTED.

Get him something to drink.

Something nice and cold. A cocktail.

Thank you, my dears.

No, slap him on the back.

Thank you, it will soon pass. lt's nerves!

Give him a scare!

l hate this.

lt's not my fault.

Faradel, what are you doing here?

What am l doing here?

Tonight's soir�e, l had an invitation.

To come and listen to a new piece

by Monsieur Charles Brunner.

Well, hurry to your seat in the hallway

and listen to the music that sets the atmosphere.

But l have hiccups.

People will think it's jazz. Off you go.

These artistic soir�es!

Good Lord, what a terrible headache!

Huguette, you can do me a favour!

l'd be delighted!

l have to get all these young ladies into their costumes.

Please seat the guests.

-Certainly, Mademoiselle! -Mesdemoiselles!

We're rushed for time.

l'll take you through myself.

We're dressing in Madame Valandray's bedroom. Follow me.

l much prefer that.

Well, he's very much at home!

He's so kind. So active, so youthful!

Are you still as keen?

More than ever!

Bravo. Love is such a beautiful thing!

Have you stepped in on my behalf?

Of course!

And?

And then?

He refuses to listen. But l didn't tell him your name.

Thank you.

ln that case, l'll speak to him myself!

That's not really the done thing.

But it's still the best way to get results!

What a crush. Such a mad scramble.

l thought that l'd never be here on time.

Charly's painting is hanging there in the large drawing room.

Yes, his total art!

Well, there was such a crowd that l got jammed in.

You speak slang now?

lt's not slang. The way Paris is going these days,

l'm afraid we're all in the same boat!

On the avenue

l was speeding, in a stew

The cop on the plot Tinpot despot

Fined me on the spot

On the street so wide Traffic flowed from every side

Like an assault Not through my fault

Grinding to a halt!

And so l found myself jammed in

The cop took it all right on the chin

And despite his rank

My words were too frank

He gave a grin Then took me in

l spent the night in the tank

And so l found myself jammed in

And my wife, her poor mind in a spin

ln her stress Called the press

And told them out of her wits

My husband's been chopped to tiny bits

Since not so long ago Paris has changed so

All her best sights Full of Levites

And gruff Muscovites

Or with Spaniards Camping out on the boulevards

Worse than Venice Ancient Memphis

But it's not Paris!

And so we find ourselves jammed in

By people their fortune here to win

ln the bars You've Magyars

With cashiers From Algiers

From Vadodara Or from Ankara

We'll end up with cholera

And so we find ourselves jammed in

Sweep them out before they settle in

They show gall

Take it all While we sit by and just cry

Who'll get us out of the jam we're in?

A man must never let himself get jammed in!

What were you saying about me this time?

My poor little Gilberte. You're so nervous.

ls Thomson here yet?

l thought you'd ask me that.

Yes, l just saw him at the buffet, where else?

Excellent. Excuse me, l need to have a word with him.

See that? lt's been that way for a week now,

ever since Thomson got here.

They're always chasing after one another.

They can't bear to be apart for a minute!

You're proof that they share the same tastes.

He has moved in here, he takes all his meals here.

l see more of him now than when we were married.

-And what's he like? -Very polite.

So what are you complaining about?

This. Watch.

He's like the police.

He's following me like a thief.

Or like the French President!

He saw l was with you, so he turned away!

He's not likely to be drawn to me!

l can't take anymore.

That music has a totally numbing effect on me.

Dear me, Faradel, are you deserting?

My neighbours keep complaining that my hiccups annoy them.

-Some people are leaving. -What?

You're driving our guests away. l must stop them.

At last, alone with you.

Oh, no, Faradel, spare me your declarations.

You've been giving me the cold shoulder for two weeks now.

Everything l do is wrong. Everything l think.

Don't exaggerate. You don't think!

Yes, l do, l think that you really must come

to that little ground floor flat l've prepared for you!

lt won't see me for a long time.

You're so cruel.

During the day, l only ever undress at my couturier's.

But a fitting with you, well, l can't quite see that.

l merely need to imagine the look on your face.

Your face. Then, when you...

l'm cured of the notion of adultery before even trying it.

You're like a Member of Parliament:

you promise the moon when you're a candidate

but everything withers away once you're in the chamber.

l'm delighted to see Monsieur Faradel.

So am l, Monsieur Thomson!

l am particularly pleased to see Monsieur Faradel.

The pleasure's mutual, Monsieur Thomson!

You please me enormously.

l would never have guessed.

l'll leave you. l have to get into my costume.

He's been listening again.

l must get rid of the man!

And l want to give you a word of advice, dear old boy.

Sit down.

ln America, when a deal is...

what's the word...

when someone's drowning, their head...

Goes under!

That's it, goes under.

ln America, when a deal goes under,

we never push the issue, we forget it.

-And you're right! -You think so?

So if you think so, why keep at it?

l keep at it. Yes, it's a waste of time.

You might miss other interesting deals.

l don't quite follow you.

When a woman doesn't want to go to bed,

there are so many others who love to slip between the sheets.

You deprive them.

Do you understand, my dear fellow?

Not a word!

Yes, you do understand. Leave that person alone.

l feel remarkably fond of you.

l wouldn't want to have to give you advice every day.

You understand, my old fellow.

Thank you. Thank you. You slapped me on the back.

That's cleared up my hiccups.

l've been de-hiccuped!

Here he is at last. Hello, Sam.

My name is Eric.

But back there, l always called you Sam.

You don't remember? l thought it was nicer, more American.

Here, it's another kettle of fish.

Why are you talking about fish?

An English saying.

l see. l'll answer with a few French sayings

to clear everything up.

lndeed.

-Don't wake a sleeping cat. -Because?

Because it has claws.

-What's done is done. -So you think!

Don't disturb a very happy marriage.

You don't always have what you dream of in life.

Alas, l know what l'm talking about.

At times, you need to be content with what you have.

l've often dreamt like all the girls

Of cuddling here on my knee

A baby with pretty blonde curls

However that never came to be

And now here l am an old maid

Well, not old, a slip of the tongue

For l'm not that starchy and staid

And this heart of mine is still young

lt's younger than yours is now

But since it's young with no design

l spoil others' children anyhow

Wishing so that they were mine

When you cannot have what you love

Treat what you already have with love

Just try to be content

With the lot you've been sent

When you cannot have what you love

You're not a bad girl, Mademoiselle Poumaillac.

And you're not a bad boy either, Thomson.

Come, come, Sam,

you're just excessively shy, l know you well.

And you're afraid of women.

-That's-- -But why?

lt happened when l was knee high to a grasshopper!

A grasshopper?

Yes, just a little boy. Tiny, in short pants.

One day, my schoolmistress kissed me on the lips.

They do that in America, too?

Oh, a lot. lt created such an incredible revolution within

that l swore never to let another woman

lay her lips on mine.

Seriously!

l don't usually laugh about sad things.

So you were married to Gilberte for six months

and never once exchanged such a kiss, the prelude to love?

Never!

-Well, you're quite something. -l am!

-You did have other kisses? -Oh, l had everything!

But not on the lips, it's not hygienic.

You poor man, perhaps that's what led to your divorce.

But that's all over now and you shouldn't be

such a regular fixture in your successor's home.

Why not?

l'm staying.

And l'm happy to see you, too, you're a dear old thing.

Let me shake your hand.

There's something charming about this fellow.

He's charming but l must find a way

to rid Gilberte of him.

Oh, l know.

Oh, l know.

Huguette. Do you want to marry a millionaire?

-Me? -Nothing easier.

You just need to get Mr. Thomson to kiss you on the lips.

But, Mademoiselle, l have no desire to marry a millionaire.

l forgot.

She's taken, but l'll set all the other girls after him,

and there are plenty.

The freer they are, the better.

Oh, a Mexican!

Total art. lt's frightening just how total this boy is.

You look magnificent!

Kind of you to say so.

So, you're going to perform.

Yes, later on, with Gilberte.

lt's a tableau taken from my work ''Primitive Souls.''

l know!

Do you find Gilberte attractive?

She's a woman who--

Forget her, married women aren't this year's fashion.

They're out of date.

Like Mademoiselle Poumaillac you're trying to marry me off.

Was she wrong to?

Not her. But the young woman who...

Don't say anything unpleasant, l know her!

What madness came over her to make her want to marry me?

As a tender young girl, she immediately thought of marriage.

That would have been madness!

But she figured it out! She is not stupid!

She was telling me that a mayoral sash

or a cassock aren't always necessary to unite two beings.

And that a girl can give herself to the man she's chosen

without a crowd of five hundred to back her up.

l'm sure you share her opinion on that point.

Not exactly!

How can that be?

lt's much better to remain within the norm

and follow the precepts of traditional...morality.

Meaning?

Meaning...

she could marry someone who counts less for her and,

once married, give herself to the man of her choice

with an affair that follows the social norm.

You can tell your friend that.

All the same, she'd have to be sure

that the crumbs will lead to the cake.

The cake's telling you so.

Well then, l'll give her the message.

Marvellous!

l adore this costume.

lt might be wise to rehearse one last time.

Perhaps. l do feel a little nervous.

l'll leave you to work in peace.

Could you tell the other young ladies,

who must be in costume by now, to enter on cue?

All right.

Of course, it's easy for her.

l don't dress up as a Mexican.

Let's rehearse!

Just a second. Let me admire you first.

ln that costume, l see you and another woman at the same time.

Gilberte, if only you'd--

Soon you'll be offering to show me

your bachelor flat like Faradel.

-Faradel has offered you... -No, he hasn't.

Let's get one thing clear: l'll never be your mistress.

But you allow me to be your lover!

Silly man. That's all over now. Let's rehearse.

Let's rehearse.

Remember what l'm symbolizing with ''Primitive Souls''?

Love in the different races.

Again!

-What? -Nothing.

l must cure him of his spying.

Go back to what you were saying before.

Before?

-He claims he's in love. -Talk about love?

-Of course. -But you just forbade me to!

l'm allowing you to now, so...

Just a second. Let me gather my thoughts.

Gilberte, if only you would, for months now l've longed to.

You know, on the day you were married...

-Warmer, warmer. -l never mentioned this to you.

Mention it, please, mention it.

Gilberte, l desire you madly, your pliant body.

l'd make a wonderful little lover,

will you let me?

Yes, l can tell you want that.

How silly, l didn't find that at all unpleasant.

He's gone, that's done the trick.

-Enough now! -l haven't even started.

Come on, let's rehearse!

You were saying that as Mexico l represented...

The last traces of the Redskins.

-You're a young maiden. -l like that idea.

And you love this adventurer fellow

who camps up in the mountains,

the attraction of purity for the rogue.

And you're the rogue.

That's me!

All right, let's start.

ln the Sierra, the night replaces day

You quietly come my way

My heart just flies away

Beneath tall palms, in the aromatic night

My resistance is slight

And your sweet voice takes flight

People tell me

You're cruel without a care

But all l see

ls love beyond compare But l knew it

l saw as we embraced

That your jacket

Now bore a bloody trace

The other man died

Oh, my sweet pride!

ln joy l cried

Oh, ecstasy divine!

l'll build to you a shrine

Your lips brush against mine

With a kiss so sweet

l fear but l submit

And after l taste it

My soul l do forfeit

To this thrill so fleet

Oh, ecstasy divine!

l'll build to you a shrine

Your lips brush against mine

With a kiss so sweet

-Gilberte. -Farewell, Charly.

What a woman!

My blood's boiling. l'll have her.

Faradel.

Faradel, just the chap.

Faradel, l'd like you to lend me your bachelor flat.

l need to arrange a private meeting.

She isn't the kind one can simply summon to a hotel room.

Faradel, a Don Juan such as yourself

must have a small bachelor flat.

But l don't.

l know you do.

l mean, l used to have a bachelor flat.

My lease has been terminated to rent it to some foreigner.

What a bother!

Today's the thirtieth.

Tomorrow, the thirty-first, is the last day.

One day's all l need.

We can manage it!

Be my guest!

You're a true brother and, believe me, l'll treat the place

as if you were receiving your cherished one there.

l'm sure you will!

l'll put myself in your shoes.

Sorry, but l'm afraid l'll be in yours.

That's right. l'll see you later.

This is exhausting. l'm in a state of total excitement.

Did you rehearse well with Gilberte?

l certainly did.

l'd like your advice.

-My advice? -Yes.

l wish to attempt to conquer Mr. Thomson.

l want to get him to marry me.

-Do you know why? -l can guess.

Apparently, all a girl needs to do

is convince him to kiss her on the lips.

That's all?

That's all, but l lack experience.

What must a girl do to get a man to kiss her?

That's a tough one.

lt's harder than you're told

To charm a man who's so very cold

And that's true, you'll grant

When a girl's a mere debutante

But what can you do

When he tries hard to ignore you?

You'd do what you could

To do any good

To that lump of wood

l could act like l'm effete

Now that's quite sweet!

l could act like a naiad

Now that's not bad!

Or perhaps to make a start

l could play a young sweetheart

As a saucy little tyke

Now that l like!

l could wear a suit that's neat

Now that's quite sweet!

To make me look like a lad

Now that's not bad!

Tell me now, what would you say

lf my stocking pulls this way

And shows a patch of skin?

Now there you win!

This is rather grand!

Finding a student who can understand

lt's such a delight

To look good in your teacher's sight

But remember now

l'm just helping, you'll allow

Let's see what you know

Which to me you owe

Repeat anyhow

l'll use a perfume that's discreet

Now that's quite sweet!

Made with myrrh from Old Baghdad

Now that's not bad!

l cover up my bosom

Leaving his eyes to fathom

Cleavage worthy of Vandyke

Now that l like!

Then he'll sweep me off my feet

Now that's quite sweet!

And with a kiss l'll drive him mad

Now that's not bad!

l'll move close temptingly

So when l'm in his arms he'll see

That my body's made for sin

Now there you win!

Good Lord, l really must apologize!

-There's no need! -What came over me?

Oh, do be quiet.

Charly, what are you up to? The ladies are asking for you.

l'll go to them now. l'd quite forgotten.

Did you put him in such a state?

l don't know.

Perhaps l did.

Mr. Thomson seems to be in a very bad mood.

lndeed!

This is no time to seduce him.

Besides, perhaps l no longer need to.

You're not happy, Thomson, my dear fellow?

-No! -You have a problem?

-Yes! -Business?

-No! -Romance?

-Yes! -Perhaps you should give up.

-No! -You're as stubborn as ever.

Yes!

-And talkative with it. Lord! -Go away!

Really!

What's come over you in the last hour or so?

Ah! Thank heavens you're here.

Mr. Thomson has just made an utterly ridiculous comment.

You're the one who must go out, immediately.

You must be crazy, Mr. Thomson.

-l'm sorry. l have my reasons. -What reasons?

l'll tell you when the lady l don't wish to see

has gone ''out''.

As soon as you apologize,

l'll leave you with Gilberte, if she so desires.

Yes, you really must!

Come on, let's hear an apology!

Thank you and au revoir, my friend, for we'll meet again.

l'll put every nubile maiden in the place after him.

Speak, l'm waiting.

lt's not easy!

l'll get straight to the point.

l saw a man kiss you on the lips!

And then?

l don't know what he kissed then.

-ls that any business of yours? -But...

Yes, he's my lover. What is it to you?

Damn it.

The cure is working.

-Feeling better? -No!

Come, come, Eric. Let's have a little chat.

l want to!

lf l understand correctly, you still love me,

or, rather, you love me anew.

l think so too.

You're a man of rigid principles, Eric.

And now l'm a fallen woman, l have a lover.

You must scorn me and cast me aside, you must leave.

Oh! This is terrible.

l desire you even more now that l know

you have a lover, a frolicsome woman.

l now want those lips of yours that l always refused!

-Really. -Be silent. l demand it.

l'm an American.

There you are.

l've been looking for you everywhere.

What's the matter with him?

These Americans are odd people.

You can be having a perfectly pleasant conversation

and all of a sudden, ''good-bye.''

He should leave for good.

-Why? -Because he's a pest.

He's a foreigner, he doesn't realize.

Have you signed your partnership agreement?

Not yet.

Then don't!

Oh, very funny, l'd be turning down an absolute fortune.

Do we need so much money to be happy?

You desire

Many things to acquire

You'd buy me

The finest jewellery

Everything

Fur coats, a diamond ring

But, my dear

l don't need that l fear

Love, it's true

Needs just enough for two

Happiness

ls romance, nothing less

After all

Why seek out a windfall

For indeed

There's not a lot we need

We don't need a lot

Really not a lot

Just to be content

With love's kind assent

A meal that's frugal but palatable

As the saying goes, it's delectable

We don't need a lot

Really not a lot

A nice, narrow bed

With a thick bedspread

lf the bed is small, we'll still be comfortable

Not a lot

Really not We're pleased with our lot

As you say

To be in love today

We don't need a lot

Really not a lot

Just to be content

With love's kind assent

lnstead of lunch

l'll feed on your sweet caress

That will satisfy us more than hot bouillabaisse

We don't need a lot

Really not a lot

This year it's likely

Coal will be costly

We'll stay abed warmed by our own tenderness

Not a lot

Really not

We're pleased with our lot

That's agreed then, you'll send Thomson packing.

Not on your life!

What if l told you he'd been courting me?

l'd say it was a good thing.

lt could make him more flexible on the contract.

Really!

What?

You're not likely to take him as your lover, are you now?

Georges, you're too sure of yourself.

Or just sure of you.

So you're not at all jealous?

Absolutely not!

There's no love without jealousy.

Only if you're mad, which l'm not.

Oh, no, you're far too calm for that.

You're a real noodle.

Yes.

l'd rather leave. You exasperate me.

Having one husband who kicks up a fuss when you don't love him

and another who doesn't when you do,

well, it's frightful.

How can a woman tell which way to turn?

Women.

Honestly, Gilberte.

Monsieur Thomson, you must pay a forfeit.

-What? -You wagered, you lost.

-Oh, yes? -You owe us a forfeit.

We ask anything that we want of you.

And what do you want?

A kiss on the lips.

Oh! Never.

People say they love kissing

But it's not exciting

l find it disgusting

Don't think that l'm cold as ice

But l don't think it's nice

Like some unpleasant vice

l don't know any miss

Whom l'd let steal a kiss

Please leave my lips on the shelf

l keep them to myself

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Not on the lips!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

My stomach flips

Not on the lips

His stomach flips!

My lips are made for talking

Not for kissing

Just a kiss!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Just a kiss!

Not on the lips!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Hands off my hips

Not on the lips

Elsewhere is fine

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

These lips are only mine

Up there on the silver screen

Kisses can be seen

ln every other scene

On the screen, their lips are glued

ln a kiss they ne'er conclude

As the public shares the mood

Well, l can't say l'm keen

What happened to hygiene?

lt's to me my germs belong

l won't pass them along

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Not on the lips!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

My stomach flips

Not on the lips

His stomach flips!

My lips are made for talking

Not for kissing

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Not on the lips!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Hands off my hips

Not on the lips

Elsewhere is fine

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

Just a kiss! Just a kiss!

These lips are only mine

These young French women.

They're even more of a handful

than their American counterparts.

l'm glad to see you.

Why?

Sit down, my friend.

You must throw this Charly fellow out.

Really? Why?

He's always lurking around your wife!

Keep an eye on him!

l have absolutely nothing to fear there.

l am mathematically ensured of Gilberte's fidelity.

My theory is irrefutable. Let me tell you:

a woman belongs to the first man who possesses her,

as long as he's neither a brute nor a clumsy idiot.

She is his and will necessarily return to him,

even if life parts them.

She is marked by the indelible imprint

of the man who reveals her to herself.

Yes, like a developer in photography.

That's why l fear nothing.

l was the first in Gilberte's case.

You were first?

Quite obviously

and l believe l've been an excellent developer.

You don't say, a developer and fixative.

l mention you and you happen by

Would you like to tell me why?

He was saying that he adored you, see

That's no secret, we agree

Why do you tell him with such glee?

Before the bomb blows we should flee

He can say it again, l decree

-That l took your virginity! -What did you say?

-Hey-hey! -Don't say it so

-Hey-ho! -That's not the way!

Hey-hey! That's not the way!

He says when you became his wife

He was the first, the first man in your life

Yes, l'm number one

Next to none

And yet l am too

Oh, says who?

Oh, what can you do? When you're number two!

For straight off you see

-Good old number three -But we're not talking of me

That's just what we say

Say, say, what do we say?

After two there's three!

lt must be

lt can't be done With three in the queue!

There's one too many

After two, there's three!

lt's no fun being the second

He's so very old-fashioned

lf you're numbers one and three

That can really never be

All these numbers, it's quite crazy!

Marriage is a lottery, you see

A lottery l once tried for free

While l had a winning spree

-What did you say? -Hey-hey!

-Don't say it so -Hey-ho!

-That's not the way! -Hey-hey! That's not the way!

He says when you became his wife

He was the first, the first man in your life

Yes, l'm number one

Next to none

And yet l am too

Oh, says who?

Oh, what can you do? When you're number two!

For straight off you see

Good old number three

-That's just what we say -Say, say, what do we say?

After two there's three!

lt must be

lt can't be done With three in the queue!

There's one too many After two, there's three!

When your love is true

ls this the same old song?

-The same old song! -He's insisting and he's wrong!

You know what's done is done And my love you have won

The man who's number one Can the others outrun

l know what's done is done And your love l have won

The man who's number one Can the others outrun

-Oh really, for Heaven's sake -Why for Heaven's sake?

-You expose my life like a rake? -Oh no, he's not a rake

-l feel my very marrow shake! -That's a big mistake

-My nerves are all a-quake -Some ether she should take

l don't feel so odd

-God! -What now, dear God?

lt's nerves, you can tell

-As clear as a bell -No need for eau-de-vie!

As we can all see

-l'm as good as new -She's as good as new

She's as good as new

But what's this to-do

-She's uneasy too -What is it?

-Do l misconstrue -What is it?

-lt's so impromptu! -What is it?

-He looks right through you -Really, what can l do?

-lt's as if he knew -She's interrupting me too!

His suspicions accrue l shudder anew

While he sticks like glue After my virtue!

Yes, l'm number one

l'm second to none

But what would l do

Were l number two?

For what can ensue lf you're second too

l bore his name, too After all, it's true

Yes, l'm number one

l'm second to none

But what would l do Were l number two?

For straight off you see Good old number three

That's the conclusion

To the whole question!

By the way, where is your bachelor flat exactly?

lt's very easy to find.

Make your way

To Quai Malaquais

Twenty-three

That's where you'll find me

ln the yard turn to your left

lt's the door without a cleft

You can't get it wrong The framing shop is next along

Make your way

To Quai Malaquais

There you meet

No one on the street

But for a scholar or two

Though they'll never bother you

They just care for books

And they will never give you looks

Refusing second-best, l suggest

The perfect spot for our little love-nest

Meet me tomorrow

And you'll know

Fiery passion nothing less

This is the address

Make your way

To Quai Malaquais

Twenty-three

That's where you'll find me

ln the yard turn to your left

lt's the door without a cleft

You can't get it wrong The framing shop is next along

l say nay

The Quai Malaquais

Along that way

l shall never stray

You must be quite mad, dear boy You can't treat me as your toy

And so you will stay

Alone on your quai

l've just received the keys lf you please

For a flat where l can take my ease

Much better than an hotel

lt'll be swell

Tell me now where it is found And l shall call round

Make your way

To Quai Malaquais

Twenty-three

That's where you'll find me

ln the yard turn to your left

lt's the door without a cleft

You can't get it wrong The framing shop is next along

All the way

To Quai Malaquais

There you meet

No one on the street

But for a scholar or two

Though they'll never bother you

They just care for books

And they will never give you looks

Here l am with my love-nest What a pest

But l know a way to put it to the test

Tomorrow for high tea l'll be free

Really, it's a rendezvous

Where will l find you?

Make your way

To Quai Malaquais

Twenty-three

That's where you'll find me

ln the yard turn to your left

lt's the door without a cleft

You can't get it wrong The framing shop is next along

Ah l say

The Quai Malaquais

ln a trice

lt's like paradise

Charly, you're a charming boy

l shall meet you there with joy

Crossing the doormat

Of a young man's flat

l have just received the papers from America

for our partnership contract.

Thank you.

You were once married?

To a Mademoiselle Poumaillac?

Fancy! How odd.

Perhaps she was related to Gilberte.

l don't know!

What about you, Gilberte?

Perhaps you know this Mademoiselle Poumaillac,

who was married to Monsieur Thomson?

Lord, no!

Why do you look so grim?

What do you imagine?

There's more than one Poumaillac

There are many Poumaillacs near Bergerac

Focus your attention

Oh, l feel quite sick

Yes, l see the situation

Could well be a trick

To calm down his emotion

Be diplomatic

We must try it all

But we must stand tall

Let's avoid every pitfall!

l'm a girl called Poumaillac

Here's another Poumaillac

Now there's a third Poumaillac

First there's number one

Who is next to none

Then there's number two So what can you do?

The next has to be Number three

lt's accidental

But it's natural

And you have to say There's no other way

Since it has to be After two comes three!

But what's this to-do She's uneasy too

l feel that my question Must lack precision

-He looks right through you -What is the reason

-He seeks the reason -For this combination

His suspicions accrue l shudder anew

Does he have a clue What he's going to do?

l am number one

But the boss never knew Of the old issue

l'm in the stew

And the peace here to ls losing its value

She bore my name too After all it's true

-l am number one -l see number one

And second to none

What is she to do lf she's number two

He mustn't think she ls now number three

lt's only natural, you see After two comes three

And how true will it be?

After two comes three!

AND THlS ENDS ON MONDAY AT 5:00 lN THE AFTERNOON.

Madame Janitor?

That's me!

-Ah! You're here for the flat! -That's right!

Ah! l recall now.

You're the new tenant, Monsieur Thomson.

-l am! -And you've come to move in?

l've come!

Surely you don't want to move in now?

-l do! -That's not possible, sir.

Your lease doesn't begin until tomorrow.

l'll pay!

The former tenant hasn't moved his personal belongings out yet.

l'll pay.

You're buying the furnishings and the carpets,

but that doesn't give you the right

to move in on the 31st instead of the 1st.

l'll pay!

Ah! You mean you'll pay compensation for the extra day.

l do mean.

You don't say a great deal, sir, but you're easy to understand.

Let me see, eight thousand

for the carpets and furnishings...

five thousand for the lease, paid in advance,

and one hundred and fifty for the extra day.

l'll give it to you.

-Thirteen thousand two hundred. -That's right.

l'll bring you fifty francs change.

Keep it.

Thank you, sir.

True, with the dollar so strong,

that's barely ten francs for you.

Thank you anyway.

l'll give you your receipt later.

l used to clean for the previous tenant.

May l hope that Monsieur...

l'm asking you to go out and stay out for a long time.

Very well, Monsieur.

Oh, l forgot to tell you my name.

l'm Madame Foin.

Widow Foin.

My husband, the late Monsieur Foin...

Get the hell...

-Get the hell... -Hell out.

Thank you. Yes, get the hell out.

You speak French very well.

lt's a true pleasure talking to you.

All right, Monsieur, all right, l'll see you later.

What a pleasant surprise!

Not very well, but thank you for asking!

You seem rather upset.

-l couldn't sleep all night. -Why?

l was mulling over a lot of things.

That's bad. Sleep is sleep and business is business.

l remembered the address of the flat you'd found.

-l'll get straight to the point. -That's always best.

Thomson, tell me the truth. Were you married to Gilberte?

Since that scene yesterday, a lot has come back to me.

Gilberte's awkwardness when l found out

you had been married to a Mademoiselle Poumaillac.

Then l remembered

she travelled to America a few years ago.

This morning, a lawyer told me that a wedding abroad

that isn't officialised by the consul

doesn't count in the eyes of French law.

And so, when l married her, from a French legal viewpoint,

she was still Mademoiselle Poumaillac.

-Answer me, Thomson. ls it true? -You seem very excited indeed.

You have to clear my doubts. Answer me.

l have nothing to say.

That's tantamount to a confession,

if you won't say anything.

That means you have something to say.

Not at all. l speak good French.

ln America, it means l'm not interested,

let's change the subject.

Try to understand.

Thomson, please, tell me the truth.

The truth is that partners must discuss business.

What do you think of this morning's steel price?

Ah! You Americans are quite extraordinary!

ln America, you think you're all so smart

You believe no one attains your state of art

You gaze in proud shock

At any tower block

But they don't have the power Of our Eiffel Tower

You're the kings and say so ad nauseam

The kings of iron and the Grand Coulee Dam

The kings of combustion

The kings of emulsion

And the emperors of Virginia ham

We have pigs here too, cowboy, Old boy!

But they are far from coy, Old boy!

When we have fun, we don't hide

And love here is a source of pride

You drink vitriol over there

We drink wine without a care

For you, love's a mere ploy, Old boy!

Over here, it's full of joy, Old boy!

We do it best from Paris to Hanoi

We're the best at that employ

There you'll never take the lead, old boy!

l think you're very excited.

So l'll forgive you.

You still won't answer?

You can have a secret that isn't yours alone.

Come back in an hour. l'm sure to speak then.

All right.

Meanwhile, go for a run.

lt's very good to drain the blood down to your feet.

Yes, l feel...l need it... my head is heavy.

His head is heavy because he has something on his mind.

See you in an hour.

-Madame Janitor! -Here l am.

So quickly. Were you behind the door?

l'm always ready to oblige.

Get me port, whisky, soda and cakes.

l'll be in there working. l'm expecting a lady

and l don't want to be disturbed.

Very well, sir.

This is the place!

Most pleasant!

Monsieur Faradel.

Monsieur is here for his things?

Later.

There's plenty of time until midday tomorrow.

lndeed, but the new tenant has already brought his things.

Since he paid me to move in, l thought he could.

Well, he's moved his things in there, to the left-hand room.

The rest is free.

That's something!

Monsieur was here so rarely.

All right, Madame Foin, now you mustn't let anyone in,

except a lady.

Who will ask for Monsieur Charly here...

Monsieur isn't...?

No, l am.

Charly. Will you remember?

Charly.

He's a sweet boy. l love that.

There.

lt feels as if it's all for me.

You'll find the plates in the small dresser with the glasses.

Perfect!

And is she pretty?

Delightful.

You lucky devil. The bedroom's through here.

l'll find it, don't worry.

l won't keep you any longer. And thank you.

At least this place will have come in useful for once.

Let's decorate the chapel and prepare the shrine.

Monsieur Charly will be with you right away.

Such a nice young man.

lt's easy to see how he could drive a woman wild.

But, you know, you have nothing to fear with me.

lf ever your husband turns up, l won't let him in.

My husband.

Talk of the devil.

There's nothing you lovebirds need?

-No. -All right. Have fun.

Oh, l love this.

Hello, Huguette!

Hello, Charly.

What are you going to think of me?

l'll tell you afterwards.

What?

You're shocked now!

Believe me.

The most audacious people are often the shyest.

-l feel a bit scared. Really!

Do you promise to be reasonable?

How odd. You sound just like a married woman.

So this is what they call a bachelor flat?

That's right.

-A drop of port? -l'd love some.

lt always begins with a drop of port.

And then moves on to, ''Take off your hat.''

l can manage that.

And then, ''Take off your dress.''

Oh no!

-Modest? -Yes!

Forgive me, l'm rushing.

Oh! Charly.

l feel so awkward because l love you.

l promise you, nothing is going to happen.

l don't believe you. l'd rather leave right now.

Farewell, then.

People kiss when they say farewell.

Yes.

Huguette!

l'm leaving.

All right. The door's through here.

When you're spying through a hole

Through a hole

You lose all self-control

Through the keyhole of a door

When you're spying through a hole

Through a hole

You learn and find out more

For through a hole

For through a hole, things look so droll

Well, for now, they don't seem so hot

The poor lass has no experience

But that boy, he knows what's what

He was showing her his influence

lt's twenty years since l saw it last, Lord

lt seemed so vast

When you're spying through a hole

Through a hole

You learn and find out more

For through a hole, things look so droll

When you're spying through a hole

Through a hole

For through a hole, things look so droll

Through a hole

You learn and find out more

End

Just next to the framing shop.

This is Monsieur Thomson's residence?

Yes, Madame.

Mademoiselle.

Oh! Sorry, l couldn't have known.

ls Monsieur Thomson in?

l don't know. He said he was only at home for a lady.

Well?

There are two of you!

lt's the same thing!

Well...

These Yankees are an energetic lot.

l'm rather pleased to see a bachelor flat, it's amusing.

Exciting, too.

The place is simply fragrant with love.

Really, Arlette, love is all you seem to think about.

l can only find it here, so let me hold onto it.

l'm not here for fun. l asked her along

as soon as l got Thomson's note fixing a rendezvous here.

Apparently, he has something to tell me

that cannot be said at my husband's home.

Do you have any idea what he wants to tell me?

No...but in any case, he has acted like a true gentleman.

He kept his word.

ln fact, he held it back, which is even more difficult.

You must ask Thomson to return to America immediately.

That's exactly why l'm here.

You have a chaperone?

A lady doesn't usually call on a single gentleman

alone in France.

But it happens all the same.

l suppose you've nothing to say to my sister that l can't hear.

On the contrary.

Ah, Madame Janitor has bought the port.

A drop of port, Mademoiselle Poumaillac?

l'd love some.

You may have some biscuits, too.

Gladly.

Well, my friend, l'm waiting to hear this serious news of yours.

All right.

Your husband said something that struck me yesterday.

He said, ''A woman belongs forever

to the man who first visited her.''

And, Gilberte, your first visitor was me!

-Pardon? -She's not a museum.

He added, ''She is bound to return to him,

even if life parts them.''

Now you're here, l'm glad and we'll be very happy.

-You don't waste time! -l'm American.

Surely you don't want me to become your mistress?

Certainly not!

You divorce Valandray and you marry me.

Valandray doesn't count, he's dust, gone.

l'm going to tell him everything.

No, you're not!

l am, but l wanted to warn you first.

So you're going to tell him,

''l was first, hand back the goods.''

Exactly. Gilberte, you're my fianc�e, l'm so excited.

Sorry, but you're forgetting l have a lover.

You'll need his permission.

Charly's not your lover. He's just your sweetheart.

-You think so? -l know so.

lf l'd thought that he was your lover,

l wouldn't have told you to become my wife again.

He's ready to be third, but definitely not fourth.

No, no, no and four times no!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, four times yes.

This American's a real mule.

Monsieur.

No need, Madame Janitor, name no names, l know.

Ladies, would you be kind enough to step into the next room?

l still have a lot to tell you, and l have someone to see first,

so l'll tell you after.

He wants to lock us away.

Just like Bluebeard.

lt's Monsieur Valandray, isn't it?

No, Monsieur, l've just brought you your receipt!

These Americans have some very odd manners.

l forgot the bottle of port. l need it now.

The level's dropped.

Charly.

Gilberte!

You remembered our rendezvous at Quai Malaquais?

ls this your bachelor flat?

Yes!

And you were expecting me?

Yes!

Really! How comical.

Why?

And very handy too!

l don't think so!

Charly, you're my saviour.

But the other one's waiting next door.

Come here. Charly, my darling.

Yes.

Monsieur Thomson.

You refuse to believe that Charly's my lover?

What's the matter? l have to take you by force?

ls this the latest fashion?

Nowadays nothing does amaze

And nothing ever stops you

Feelings have no pride of place

Courting's not a thing to do

And love never leaves a trace

Good day; good night

After love, they both take fright

Good night, good day

Feelings never get in the way

All those pretty words Spoken by lovebirds

Are dead and gone

Seeing as bliss Just a simple kiss

ls a bygone

Good day, good night

When it's over, they're just polite

Good night, good day

Gallantry's gone the same way

You're so cold, Charly.

-Not at all. -Do you still love me?

Yes, Gilberte, l love you!

-Say it louder. -lt's just that...

Shout it out...like me!

ls he ever going to come back?

How am l going to get out of this?

And take me in your arms.

Hurry! Charly, Charly!

Gilberte, here?

Georges, believe me.

Be silent!

Monsieur Valandray, it's a mistake!

You, be gone.

Unless you want me to grind your bones to dust.

Let me explain.

Not a word, go and get dressed first.

Georges, it's not what you think.

lt's not what l think? That's brilliant.

l find you with some fellow in his pyjamas

and it's not what l think!

Tell me what's going on.

-Just tell me! -You're hurting me!

l love it when he's like this.

Good Heavens! Georges, what are you doing?

l can see it all clearly now.

Arlette, l see things clearly at last.

l've just caught Gilberte here with Charly in his pyjamas!

He really is her lover.

l don't need to hear Thomson. l know where l stand.

l'm a cuckold, because l'm not the first.

The Mademoiselle Poumaillac that Thomson married

was Gilberte!

No, she wasn't!

That's not true...not at all.

The Mademoiselle Poumaillac that Thomson married was me.

You would have said so earlier!

No, l couldn't. lt was a big secret between us.

lsn't that right, Eric?

He made me suffer. l wanted to forget him.

Come on, tell the truth, Sam.

You were the one who hurt me.

l adored the man, but it's all over now.

My sister is wonderful.

Were you really married to Mademoiselle Poumaillac?

Go on, answer, Sam.

l'll release you from your vow of secrecy.

There's one simple way to convince me.

Come along. Appease me.

Make up and kiss in front of me.

lf he made you suffer, that means you still love him.

Come along. A kiss of reconciliation.

Yes, Arlette, forgive him.

Do it for me.

-You have to. -Thomson, be a man.

Sam.

She kissed my lips!

Do you believe me now?

Yes...but Charly...

l'll explain, but let's leave them.

We're in the way.

l merely came along to accompany my sister.

Oh, Sam!

What have you done?

lt was you, l think.

Our lips met as they were trying to avoid each other.

You're stirring the very marrow of my bones.

l hadn't felt such an emotion since my teacher.

Sam.

At last l know the sweet intoxication!

Of what?

The intoxication of love's first kiss!

Yet l hardly dare to feel that l care

Dare

lt overcomes me when l feel such bliss!

Though my little heart is full of fear

Dear

Yet it starts to fill with glee

''Ga-lee''?

l understand imperfectly

But l sense it so completely

Oh, Sam!

Do it once again, please

Oh, Sam!

You can be such a tease

l feel l've been swept away

lt's as if today's my birthday

My toes are curling and my heart is pounding

Oh, Sam!

You're simply irresistible

Oh, Sam!

lt seems almost impossible!

The stars around me spangle

And my nerves are a-jangle

Cupid's aim is well and truly infallible!

You'll be the first to have your way

That's something l have done

For l'm always number one

Oh, Sam!

You're simply irresistible

Oh, Sam!

lt seems almost impossible!

The stars around me spangle

And my nerves are a-jangle

Cupid's aim is well and truly infallible!

l still can't understand why Charly was in his pyjamas.

Well, neither can l.

-Oh, sorry! -Drat.

Ah well, too bad.

Everything's becoming clear now.

He was here for Huguette.

-My flat's quite crowded. -But...

What do you mean, your flat?

Yes, this is my bachelor flat.

lt's mine, l paid for it!

And we've just celebrated our engagement here!

-A little early! -Hush!

-And to consolidate a marriage-- -That was coming apart!

And rebuilt one that had been destroyed.

Lord! What have they been up to in here?!

What a shock!

Drat! Here l go again.

All's well...

that end's well!

Will you say now you're on your feet

Now, that was sweet!

There's nothing more to add

Now that's not bad

Our songs were pleasant for you

And we're happy doing what we do

So we'll carry on alike

Now that we like

You're not yet on your feet

Now that's quite sweet

At the finale, you feel sad

Now that's not bad

lf you feel you do belong

Why don't you sing along?

We can all dive right back in

So let's begin

Will you say now you're on your feet

Now, that was sweet!

There's nothing more to add

Now that's not bad

Our songs were pleasant for you

And we're happy doing what we do

So we'll carry on alike

Now that we like

You're not yet on your feet

Now that's quite sweet

At the finale, you feel sad

Now that's not bad

lf you feel you do belong

Why don't you sing along?

We can all dive right back in

So let's begin