Original subtitles

BOW: My Aunt Denise was the coolest.

She had killer dance moves,

awesome style, and she was so funny.

Which is why my dad always wanted to be friends with her.

A new puzzle. Want to jigsaw with me?

Do I look infirm?

But it never really worked out.

Hey, Denise. Want a beer?

[Beer thuds, fizzes]

No.

♪ Looks into my eyes ♪

- Uh-uh-uh. - Uh-uh-uh.

- Hey! - Hey!

My siblings and I were all super-close with Aunt Denise.

- Ooh! - ♪ Oh, I lose control ♪

And Paul!

♪ Can't seem to get enough ♪

But when it came to my dad...

Look at what you did. You ruined handshakes. Go.

...she wouldn't give him the time of day.

You are boring that poor boy to death.

Which I know isn't easy because he's used to Paul.

I'm sorry, but he does not have

the right "pigmentation situation."

- Paul's taking them. - But I don't like Paul.

Even still, my dad was always

looking for opportunities to bond with her.

Okay, so you know that shawl I bought for myself

for not getting any parking tickets last month?

Well, it turns out it looks more like a cape.

I can't be out here looking like Wonder Woman's auntie.

Why don't you return it?

I would, except for I can't find the receipt anywhere.

I even taped together everything from the shredder,

but it was all just pictures of my ex and a jury duty summons.

Hmm.

I could do it for you.

[Scoffs] Yeah, they never give him a hard time.

In fact, a couple of weeks ago, he returned opened underwear,

and they gave him a full refund.

- In cash. - Without a receipt?

- Yup. - Open underpants?

"Slightly used" open underpants.

See?

Paul wouldn't mind helping you out with this.

Oh, I couldn't put you out.

No, no, I'll do it. I-I'll do it.

C'mon, let me do it.

- Okay. - Ahh.

Looks like Master Alabaster and I are finally gonna hang out.

Maybe don't call him that.

No, no, no, that's fine. She just gave me a nickname.

I'm free anytime, D-Cup.

♪♪

Oh, God, no. No.

It's just because you're holding a cup.

The D...

Sorry.

Mnh-mnh.

♪ In the mix ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, they keep trying ♪

♪ But they can't stop us ♪

♪ 'Cause we got a love ♪

♪ That keeps rising up ♪

♪ In the mix ♪

♪ Life turns around ♪

♪ 'Round and 'round it goes ♪

♪ Ooh, it's a mixed-up world ♪ ♪ Ooh, it's a mixed-up ♪

♪ And that's for sure ♪ ♪ Mixed-up ♪

♪ In the mix ♪ ♪ Baby ♪

♪ We're gonna get by ♪

♪ We're gonna ♪ ♪ On our own, side by side ♪

♪ Love's all we need to be free ♪ ♪ Lo-o-o-ve is all ♪

♪ I got you, you got me ♪

♪ Yaaaaay us! ♪

♪ I-I-In the mix ♪

♪ Yaaaaay us! ♪

♪ I-I-In the mix-ish ♪

My dad was more than happy to return my aunt's shawl

if it meant getting to hang out with her,

and my aunt was just happy to never see that shawl again.

Here you go. Full refund.

[Laughs] Wow, Paul!

I thought today was gonna be awkward and a waste of time,

but now that I have $30 in my hand,

I feel differently.

Believe it or not, that was the first compliment

my aunt had ever given my father.

Goodbye.

W-Wait.

I-Is there anything else I can help you with?

Well, I was thinking about returning my ThighMaster,

but then I realized it's at the perfect angle

to prop open my window when I need to scream

at the neighbor's kids to keep it down.

They do not like me.

Well, you know, I... I can do more

than just return things without receipts.

♪♪

Like what?

Have you ever used a bathroom at a restaurant

that you were not eating at?

Of course not.

Look, society reinforces my entitlement,

and I use it all the time to help Alicia.

So let me help you out.

I am conditioned to believe that the world is my oyster,

so why not take the pearl?

That's not a saying,

but I'm scooping up what you're slapping down.

Also not a saying.

Can you help me use some expired coupons?

- Easy. - What about going to a hotel pool

without being a guest?

Well, if the pool is empty, who's it hurting?

What if I wanted to mouth off to a cop,

then punch his police horse?

Absolutely not.

Okay, that was a test. You passed.

I would never hurt a horse. They're nature's statues.

♪♪

- [Sighs] - Careful. Careful.

Uh, y'all better not

be trying to sneak another pet into this house.

- These are chocolate bars. - Hmm.

We have to sell these for a school fundraiser.

The top-selling family wins a mystery grand prize.

And the three of us have come up with

a foolproof plan to get it.

Great. What is it?

You're gonna buy them all.

No, I'm not.

Fine. Where's Dad? He's a sucker.

No, he's not.

Okay, but you're not gonna learn anything

if we do all the work for you.

But all my friends use their parents.

Tommy's dad buys all of his chocolates every year.

Plus, the only adults we know are you and our teachers,

and Ms. Collins asked to borrow money from me.

She has a Diet Coke addiction.

Here's what we're gonna do.

You guys are gonna come to my office

and sell to my co-workers.

Well...

if we knew that we were actually gonna have to sell them,

we probably wouldn't have signed up for so much product,

- but okay. - Great.

And you'll see that there's nothing better

than the feeling of putting in a hard day's work,

especially at your first job.

Oh, no, no, no.

This is not gonna be my first job.

Modeling will.

Don't act surprised.

My first job is going to be a fire truck.

Don't act surprised.

While we were about to learn the value of honest work,

my dad and Aunt Denise

were doing almost the exact opposite.

♪♪

Excuse me.

I'd like to try these on.

Paul, you up.

No problem.

Excuse me...

my good friend here would like to try these shoes on.

Of course. Sorry about that. Uh, what size?

- 7. - Uh, let's also get a 6 1/2,

- a 7, and a 7 1/2, just in case. - No problem.

And I'd like those complimentary try-on socks

in each of those sizes, too.

You got it.

I got it. [Chuckles]

You got it.

Hello, Mastercard?

I'm going to need you to remove

this international fee from Denise's bill.

♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it ♪

He's saying you were in Mexico.

I was in Cancún. I wasn't in real Mexico.

♪ I'm your Venus, I'm your fire ♪

This is simply unacceptable.

♪♪

Thank you very much.

Hey!

[Both laugh]

All right, now... do these.

[Chuckles]

♪ She's got it ♪

See, walk in with me, and they think you're a member.

Does that mean you can get us piña coladas?

Oh, sure thing, Double D's.

Nope. I just... [Sighs]

I'm really struggling with a nickname for you.

It's because your name is Dee-Dee.

Unh-unh.

This is fun, right?

- We're having fun. - Yeah.

But you're gonna get me some nachos.

- Right after I do this cannonball. - [Both laugh]

Despite this being the most fun day

my dad had ever spent with my aunt...

Get me some extra jalapeños!

[Water splashes]

...he couldn't help the nagging feeling that he was being used.

- Paul, get in line. Go get those drinks. - [Sighs]

After helping my aunt with her errands,

my dad took a different tactic

to allow them to hang out.

What are we doing here?

Lunch.

Lunch?

Like, "Eating 90% of your salad,

- then finding a sock in it" lunch? - [Chuckles]

Or just you and me sitting down in front of food?

Yeah, just you and me hanging out

over our bowls of minestrone soup,

assuming that's the special, which I know it is.

It always is.

So you want to hang out?

Okay. Then I just have one question... why?

Because we've known each other nearly two decades,

and we never chill, just you and me.

And you don't think that has anything to do

with how you just used the word "chill"?

Denise, come on. Just give it a shot.

I mean, the rest of the day went pretty well, huh?

Let's really get to know each other.

Okay. Why not?

[Chuckling] Okay. That's the spirit.

Okay.

Yeah.

Cool.

This is... This is more like it.

Yeah.

[Both chuckle]

- Yeah. - [Sighs]

Yep. We're... [chuckles] hanging out.

Mm. Here we are.

Hanging out.

[Chuckles]

Yep.

Yep.

♪♪

So...

♪♪

So...

♪♪

- Wonder what the soup is. - Minestrone.

Oh, yeah. Minestrone.

[Both chuckle]

ALICIA: Come on. Let's go.

Ooh.

You know how all these people got here?

The bus?

No, I'm not asking how they literally got to work.

I'm wondering if you know what trait

all these successful people have in common.

A strong work ethic.

There's no walking these halls without one of those.

Doesn't Aunt Dee-Dee work here?

Yes. But not today.

Her Tuesdays are her double Saturdays.

Mm-hmm. Anyway, let's start with your grandfather.

Show him what you got, kids.

- How can that be jury tampering? - [Knock on door]

- It was one snake, and mostly a joke. - [Door opens]

You... [Sighs, scoffs]

But he did...

Oh. Judges.

Hey, Harrison. You have a sec?

Yeah. Hi, guys.

The kids are here, and they have an opportunity for you.

Go ahead.

[Mumbling] Hey, Granddad, you want to buy some chocolate?

What? What is he saying?

[Sighs] Guys, you have to try harder than that.

Hey... Y... Stand up!

We're selling chocolate for school.

So can we count on your support?

Please say yes so I can go home.

Kids, come on. That was terrible.

Seriously, that did nothing for me,

and I am extraordinarily susceptible to marketing.

Who has stock in the Clapper?

This guy.

Okay, so let's try this again.

Do we have to?

Yes. There are no shortcuts in life.

Now, make your sales pitch again,

but this time, add some razzle-dazzle.

Okay. Granddad, do you want to buy some chocolate?

Razzle-dazzle.

How can I say no [Chuckling] to that?

No.

Wow, that was a lot easier than I thought.

Okay, so he said no.

You got to keep on pressing. I mean, it's chocolate.

How hard could it be to sell?

And after lunch,

half of the people in this office will be a little tipsy,

which should make it easier.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

Get up.

Mm-hmm.

Go.

Meanwhile,

my dad was still working on bonding with Aunt Dee-Dee.

Pretty good, right?

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have ordered the soup.

I can tell this is just pizza toppings that went south.

Mnh, ohh.

Look, we tried.

But just like my romantic relationship

with Black Ghostbuster Ernie Hudson,

this is going nowhere.

You dated Ernie Hudson?

No, but that's only because he never answered my letters.

Oh.

Paul, I don't think this is gonna work.

No, D-Denise, Dee, okay, so lunch isn't that great,

but I-I really do think we can make this work.

Look, I know this isn't what you want,

but if it makes you feel better, it's not you, it's me...

when I'm around you.

So let's just be adults about this, okay?

I'm gonna get the check, order two more to-go pizzas

because my stove isn't working,

and you're gonna have to pay for it.

Sound good?

W-Wait, why isn't your stove working?

Oh, it's my apartment.

They haven't updated my plumbing or electrical

since I moved in there,

but they've been doing it for every other unit.

I can help you out with that.

- You can? - Absolutely.

Look, Denise, there is nothing a confident White man can't do.

- Hmm. - Let's use racism to our advantage

and bring Master Alabaster out of retirement

for one last score.

Okay. Let's do it.

Okay.

Oh, let's add three more to-go pizzas to this.

But you said two.

Do you want to be friends or not?

- Three. - WAITER: Okay.

Hey, I got chocolates. Don't you want some chocolates?

- MAN: No, thank you, young lady. - They're so...

We spent the next couple of hours

- trying to sell our chocolate... - Want some chocolates?

- So good I even ate them. - No. No, no, no. No, no.

- ...but ended up with nothing much - [Sighs]

to show for it.

Well, that was a bust.

I only sold two bars to a janitor.

I sold five.

And by "sold," I mean I left them in the petty cash drawer

- and took what I was owed. - Mm.

I sold negative 12.

What does that mean?

I ate 12.

They're terrible, but I can't stop.

Oh, my God, this is hopeless.

I mean, Mom and all her dumb hard work!

Yeah, I mean, when I grow up,

I'm only gonna take shortcuts in life.

There has to be an easier way.

Well, the good news is,

it looks like you're healing from your accident.

Yeah, the doctor says I should be out of the neck brace

- in no time. - Oh, no need to rush on that.

- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah.

We want a sympathetic jury,

so if you happen to have your neck brace

for when the trial happens, you know...

And while you're at it, don't forget those crutches.

Have a good day.

Did Mom just say sympathy helps you sell?

Oh, you guys are gonna have to take the lead on that one.

I don't know how to make people feel bad for me.

I just know how to make them jealous.

♪♪

So, Mr. Nelson, it has come to our attention

that you've been upgrading electrical and plumbing

in other units, but you have yet to do that for Denise.

My doorbell turns on my garbage disposal.

I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do about that right now.

- Oh. - Well, that is simply unacceptable.

She needs a complete upgrade.

Well, we upgrade the apartments when the unit turns over.

Look, if... if there's not a change in the situation,

I don't see how she can pay this month in good conscience.

No, Denise is prepared to rip up her rent check

unless you agree to those improvements.

- Yep. I'll tear it up. - She'll tear it up.

- I'll tear it right up. - Right now.

[Chuckles] Here I go.

- Here she goes. - Unless you stop me.

And the only way to stop her is with those upgrades.

- Upgrade. - Say it, or else she tears it.

I'm gonna do it.

She's gonna do it.

- Okay, here I go. - She's doing it.

Look.

Mm.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

- Wow! - Ha!

Bet he's listening now.

Oh, yeah. [Chuckles]

♪♪

Well, I certainly did not see this coming.

If you need me, I'll be in my room.

Which is your room.

Johan, come help your daddy move my waterbed!

And don't forget the pump!

[Suitcase thuds]

- Hey. - Hello. How happy would your kids be

if you came home from work with tons of chocolate?

Well, my dogs are my kids, and dogs can't eat chocolate.

Do you have any nieces or nephews?

Because you definitely have weird aunt energy.

We have, um, a crisp...

Oh.

You know the hardest part about raising kids?

I don't talk about kids with women.

It's all the uncertainties.

You instill all these values and beliefs in them,

hoping that they'll work, but you don't know,

until you see things like this,

when you see them putting what you taught them into practice...

Those are the moments you know

that you're doing this parenting thing right.

Look, I really should get back to work.

But it's for a good cause.

See, my brother... he's unwell.

[Door opens]

♪♪

[Gasps] Oh, bless his little heart.

Oh!

You're definitely getting this parenting thing right.

Oh, hell, no. [Scoffs]

You know what? I will buy some chocolate.

I'll buy all of it.

You know, we also accept tips.

Uh, what's going on?

What's going on is we're about to close a deal.

Yeah, don't mess this up for us.

Dolores, I'm so sorry.

Nothing is wrong with my son.

I can't believe you're taking a shortcut.

What happened to hard work?

Were you guys not listening to anything I taught you?

Of course. Who do you think we learned this from?

Yeah, we saw you talking to your client

about using his neck brace to get sympathy

so the jury would buy whatever you were selling.

[Scoffs] Yeah, but I was doing something different.

How?

Because...

I am a l...

I was...

[Sighs] Why don't you go home?

Kids, ignore everything your mother just said.

I'll buy the whole lot.

[All gasp]

Well, what about hard work?

- They're not gonna learn anything. - What do they need to learn?

What they just pulled was brilliant.

Besides, sometimes it's all about working smarter,

- not harder. - Hmm.

And they certainly outsmarted Dolores.

I'm still here.

I know.

Okay, so, uh, who do I make the checks payable to?

Cash.

Try again.

♪♪

I wonder how many other homeless people ended up on the street

because of an overconfident brother-in-law.

I'm sorry. I know I overreached.

It's not entirely your fault.

We flew too close to the sun.

- Like Icarus. - Yeah.

Icarus Jones,

my friend who lost his pilot license for hot-doggin'.

Although, none of this would have happened

if you hadn't wanted to be friends so bad.

Denise, is that such a bad idea?

Yes.

We have a good thing, Paul.

I make fun of you and pawn your garden tools

when I need a little walking-around money,

and you don't ask a lot of questions.

Why mess that up trying for more?

Well, because you're one of the most important people

to all the people I love.

I-I-I just had hoped that the family I married into

would... would become my family, you know?

But it just feels like there's been more barriers

because of who we are.

Well, it's true...

as a matter of taste,

I don't associate with White men who wear sandals,

but I'm scooping up what you're slapping down.

And just to be clear, I'm not desperate to be your friend.

I'm desperate to be your family.

So if you want to start calling me Brother...

Brother Paul... I won't object.

We're not doing that.

- But we did have fun today. - [Door opens]

- [Glasses clink] - [Door closes]

[Clears throat]

My day was a disaster. How'd you guys fare?

Whew! A bit of a roller coaster.

I drank a piña colada in a pool, and now I'm homeless.

Yeah. We had a little chat with her landlord,

uh, that didn't go as planned,

and, um, she got evicted.

Hold up, you got evicted?

Mm-hmm.

[Hall & Oates' "I Can't Go for That (No Can Do)" plays]

You know what? Let's go.

I could use a win.

♪ I can't go for that ♪

- ♪ No ♪ - ♪ No ♪

♪ No can do ♪

- [Knock on door] - Come in.

Who are you?

I'm Denise Johnson's attorney.

And I'm Denise Johnson's brother.

It has come to my understanding

that you illegally threatened my client with eviction.

Are you aware of the city ordinance 7B 4.2?

No.

It protects people like Denise from slumlords like you.

- I'm not a slumlord! - Oh, I love it when she hits them

- with that super lawyer talk. - Me too.

She did that same type of talk to our parents

so we could go see a Jackson 5 concert in Detroit.

- She called them slumlords and everything. - [Chuckles]

If you do this, we'll have no choice but to file suit,

and I promise you, the law is on my side with this one.

Okay. Okay, fine. She can stay.

Can everybody clear out of here?

I'll go take down the "For Lease" sign.

- ♪ Ahh ♪ - ♪ Ahh ♪

- ♪ Ahh-ahh ♪ - Unh!

- That was amazing. Thank God for Alicia. - [Chuckles]

And for ordinance 7B 4.2.

Yeah, I made that up, but today I learned

that sometimes it's better to work smart than hard.

♪ I can't go for that ♪

I think I've finally found what we have in common...

- Alicia bailing us out. - That's true.

Now, who wants to celebrate

with piña coladas and cannonballs at the hotel?

- [Chuckles] - ♪ I can't go for that, can't go for that ♪

Looks like your fundraiser prize arrived!

Get ready to feel the sweet reward

for all of the hard-slash-smart work you put in.

- Check it out! - Come on.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

What is it?

It was supposed to be a Frisbee,

but it looks more like a sour cream lid.

All that work.

All that effort.

For this?

Well, maybe the true prize of fulfillment is in here.

I got nothing.

- We've been had! - You've been had?

I bought $7,000 worth of candy.

Where's Dad?

We need a White guy to sort this out.

- Mm. - Mm-hmm.

♪♪

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