Original subtitles

[ Mechanical Beeping ]

* * [ Computer Fanfare ]

[ Bell Dings ]

Hey, guys.

Welcome to another edition of J-J-J-J, J-TECH!

J-TECH. [ Imitates Ray Gun ]

A vlog specializing in reviewing new consumer technologies.

[ Sings ] * It's J-TECH He reviews those apps *

* It's J-TECH I want that guy on my lap *

13N13N * * [ Bugle: First Call ] This episode this week, we're gonna review a self-help app.

Self-help is a big business right now.

Uh, ones that help you with self confidence, anxiety, insomnia.

A little, uh, drug addiction

- * * [ Electronic Drum Beat ] - A little drug addiction Drug addiction. Aaah.

And there's apps out there for people who think they've been abducted by aliens.

And there's tracking devices in their brain. It's called the Alien Brain Scan app.

You should check it out. It's totally weird.

However, I did find one app that kinda stood out to me.

Unlike the other apps, which are designed to solve a specific problem,

this claims that it can help with an an with anything.

You just input your goal, and it sends you a series of custom-tailored missions...

to help you accomplish it.

And what's really interesting about it...

is an interactive feature interactive feature

that allows you to keep track of your progress...

by filming yourself with your camera...

in order to help you accomplish the mission.

The app is called i-Lived...

and I know it sounds a little weird, but it's pretty cool,

and it's really fun and easy to use.

So, here is the app, which is bright and positive...

and has a guy jumping into action with the tag line,

"You Haven't Lived Until i-Lived."

Whoa.

Thank God I found this thing, 'cause I'm ready to finally start living.

Once you've downloaded the app and signed the user agreement,

you are then prompted to answer a series of questions about yourself,

much like you'd find on any dating app or Web site.

Anyway, whether you decide to answer the questions or not,

you are then asked to input your goal.

And what's the most important thing for a guy to have on the beach in LA?

That's right, a six-pack.

So I entered my goal. "I want a ripped six-pack to share with the ladies."

And I received my first mission via text message [ Chimes ]

that read, "Welcome aboard.

You have started your journey to acquiring a six-pack to share with the ladies."

Oh, yeah. It is on.

So, I set up the camera on my phone,

and began filming myself performing each exercise.

That's me doing sit-ups,

jogging,

eating right.

Not only do I look like a bird, now I have to eat like one, too.

Me want protein.

[ Whirs ]

And now the moment of truth.

I took a picture of myself before the program,

just to do a little "before and after" comparison.

And here's my stomach right now.

Ugh!

[ Buzzer Buzzes ] Nothing.

13N13N[ Canned Audience ]Aw. Not even a three-pack.

This is a one-pack.

In fact, all that broccoli just made me feel a little bit bloated,

and gave me some gas. [ Flatulence ]

So, it was fun because you get to film yourself...

and share your pathetic dreams and subsequent struggles with the world.

But it's really not that effective...

in actually helping improve oneself.

That's why I'm gonna give the app i-Lived...

[ Bell Dings ] two out of five stars.

It's not really worth it. [ Electricity Shuts Down ]

Shit.

What the hell? I hope I saved all that.

[ Shoe Squeaks ] Oh, shit.

[ Sighs ]

[ Clicking ]

[ Gasps, Exhales ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh, that's today.

Damn it.

[ Man On Computer ] I see you haven't moved yet.

Any chance of you two kids getting back together?

I don't think so.

You should give her a call.

Yeah. Uh, no. She left me. Remember?

Well, maybe if you had a real job with some security, instead of these start-ups

Dad. Really?

We sacrificed a lot to send you to Stanford.

And what are you doing with it?

There are no real good jobs.

So, you spend all your time online playing with gadgets and-and video games.

You know I'm trying to start my own tech company.

The Internet's a great place to build a following.

And I'm reviewing apps because they're popular right now,

and I can make tons of money on YouTube.

- Whatever. - Well, all I'm saying is that you are wasting your talent.

Okay, I got it.

Okay, but don't forget to pray for your mother.

Talk to you later.

[ Video Game Fanfare ] You dare assault me?

You, who have done far worse than I!

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

[ Phone Rings ]

[ Buzzing Continues ] [ Ringing Continues ]

Fuck.

- [ Cell Phone Rings ] - Hey. I'll be right out.

No, no, no. Hold up. Check this out.

[ Buzzing Continues ] [ Woman ] It's Mrs. Lee, your landlord.

Remember me?

I know your ugly ass is in there.

You're not sneaky.

You're not gonna screw me, you douche bag.

* * [ Hip-hop ]

[ Man ] I can't believe she hasn't evicted you yet.

I know. Thanks for changing your mind at the last minute, dick.

I told you from the beginning I wasn't sure if I could move in.

You can't afford that place, dude. You don't have a job.

Duh, I know.

Can you stop texting and watch the fucking road?

Look, man, do you know how much time it takes...

to maintain three dating sites at once?

[ Chuckles ] I know. I should have never introduced you to those.

Hey, speaking of which, I owe you big time.

You know how many bitches I've banged using this method?

The weird thing is I kinda believe you.

And then I look at your face, and I'm like, there's no fucking way.

[ Man ] Oh, there's a way.

I'm taking care of your ass tonight, man.

I got a couple of, uh, European chicks lined up.

You know what that means, don't you?

- What? - Anal.

[ Scoffs ] You're sick.

Watch the road, watch the road!

I got it. Chill out, dude.

Anyway, I don't need your help,

'cause I've actually been bangin' bitches on my own on the side.

Oh, is that right? Yeah, man.

You been bangin' bitches, huh? Yeah, dude.

I've been, like, fucking hard, dude.

Hard fuckin' 'em? Dude, with my dick.

Wow. You've been fucking girls with your dick?

[ Josh ] Dude. Yep. That's fucking great, man.

[ Josh ] Gettin' it in, dude. Puttin' it in 'em.

[ Josh ] Puttin' it.

Can you name me one of these girls that you put your dick in?

Jill's been gettin' it. [ Man ] Jill?

Dude, she's That's a great made-up name.

No, she's been gettin' the dick, dude.

You're doing your bobblehead thing. It's like a woodpecker.

That's how I know you're lyin'. All right, I

I just don't want to get in another relationship, okay?

I'm not talking about relationships, dude.

I'm talking about getting that scent back on you.

- What scent? - The scent... of vagina.

Ugh. You're so creepy, dude.

It's the scent that lets ladies know you don't need 'em.

Because you get laid all the time, man. Bitches love that scent.

So, what we're gonna do is we're gonna refocus.

We're gonna hook you up with a couple of hotties tonight, man.

'Cause I swear to God, you could do a lot better than that.

My ex was super cute. No, she wasn't, man.

She had a big nose, and Fuck you, dude.

Fuck you. And she had cankles. * * [ Ringtone ]

[ Josh ] That was debatable. Marie Helen.

Bonjour, mon petit poussin.

That means "little chicken." It's French.

Yes, this is Bobby Yen. I'll be there in a minute, baby.

Okay. Okay, bye.

Why are you talking with a French accent?

Dude... I'm Filipino.

Oh. Where did you go?

I had to go to the bathroom. I was takin' a piss.

[ Marie Helen ] You were gone for a while.

[ Bobby ] Yeah, I take long, long pisses. [ Marie Helen ] Oh. That's

[ Bobby ] You look great, by the way. I love this.

Oh, thanks. It's a necklace.

Yeah, it's a great necklace.

Thank you.

- [ Bobby ] Anyways, where's your friend at? - Oh, she got stuck.

[ Bobby Clears Throat ] Hey, Josh.

The friend, she got sick. She's not showin' up. I'm sorry.

Yeah. I'm-I'm cool. Don't worry about it.

We can get the fuck out of here if you want.

- No, it's cool. You just owe me. - We're cool?

Better, uh, watch out. Looks like some guy's moving in on your turf.

All right.

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

[ Chimes ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Yo. What the hell is that?

Oh. Uh, nothing.

You just buy a girl a drink, dude?

[ Scoffs ] No. I drink these all the time.

Yeah, you did. Which one?

Ooh. She's hot.

Hey. Now's your chance. Go get it.

No way. Did you see the way she just dissed that Abercrombie guy?

I don't have a chance, man.

All those good-looking guys are gay.

Now go over there and do your thing, man. Be yourself.

[ Clears Throat ]

Like a like a cool version of yourself. You know?

The sky's the limit, you're the man, all that shit.

Go get it. Have fun.

I bet you're a Kamikaze girl.

Are you asking me if I have a death wish?

No. What

What? Like, the drink Like Kamikazes?

No. Sorry.

Okay, sorry I asked.

What? That's it?

I'm sorry?

You said that already.

Right. Okay, uh, it's just a drink that I thought you might enjoy.

That's That's it.

You could just ask a girl.

Yeah, I could do that.

Or are you too macho?

You're the kinda guy who thinks he knows what a woman wants.

- Do you like to take charge of a woman? - No! It

Wait a second, is this a trick question?

Tricky question.

Right. Okay. Um... [ Clears Throat ]

May I offer you ladies a beverage this evening?

You're cute. I don't know. What do you think?

- Come on. - Mm-mmm, no.

All right.

Pull up a chair.

She has terrible taste in men.

[ Engine Revving ]

[ Engine Off ]

I just want to say Shh.

Good night, Josh.

[ Engine Starts ]

Good night. [ Exhales ]

[ Tires Squealing ]

* * [ Whistles ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Thunder Rumbles ]

[ Rumbling Continues ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Josh ] You are getting sleepy,

very sleepy.

All other noise has been drowned out.

My stress is completely gone.

I'm about to fall asleep.

[ Snores ]

White Noise is the name of the app, and it comes with a video option.

That's why I'm gonna give it three out of five stars.

* * [ Computer Fanfare ]

And now, I'd like to thank all of you...

who've been liking me on all the social networks,

and for all of you new subscribers.

We're almost 300 strong. That is awesome!

Dad, are you proud of me yet?

I'm doin' everything I can out here in Hollywood.

I'm tryin' as hard as I can.

All right. That's enough, Michael Caine.

And this brings me back to the app...

that I reviewed just several days ago.

- i-Lived. - [ Canned Laughter, Applause ]

And I may have been just a little bit too harsh...

in my first evaluation because...

it's a lot more clever than I initially thought, see?

It used the GPS on my phone to actually track the bar that I was in...

to connect me with the one cute girl that I had my eye on. [ Cat Yowls ]

[ In German Accent ] Not that the app had anything to do...

with actually knowing who that person was,

but it still gave me the courage to step to that person.

Ja.Exactly.

[ German Accent Continues ] So, here is a picture of my cheating ex-girlfriend.

[ Imitates Gunshot ]

And here is a picture of the girl...

that the app miraculously got me talking to.

[ Sighs ] It's like one is a Victoria's Secret model,

and the other one's a bitch.

So, that's why I feel like this app...

deserves a little bit more in-depth analysis,

or what I like to call a J-TECHdouble take.

D-D-Double take. Double take.

The first thing I did was click on the user reviews...

to see what others are saying about the app,

and it linked back to the Web site,

where I found a bunch of actual testimonials.

This app has totally changed my life.

When I started using it, about, um, six months ago,

I was afraid of everything.

I was afraid of heights, I was afraid of traveling,

and I just walked over the Golden Gate Bridge.

Um, I've lived here my whole life,

and I'm terrified of heights, and I did it.

It changed me. I mean, it totally changed my life.

All right. Then there's this guy.

[ Man ] Whoo!

I'd always wanted to be a pilot, so I got on i-Lived.

And now here I am, landing a B-17!

And it's all because of i-Lived.

[ Speaking French ]

[ In French Accent ] i-Lived.

Weird. There's a lot of wackos using this thing,

just like every other app, but this actually seems to be working for a lot of people.

So, I'm finally ready to start taking this thing seriously,

and enter a new goal.

Make Greta...

my new girlfriend.

'Cause makin' out with a chick in a bar is one thing,

but cl-cl-closing the deal is a whole nother animal.

[ Imitates Horse Whinny ]

It could be a big job for i-Lived. [ Canned Laughter, Applause ]

[ Phone Chimes ] Incoming message.

"Girls like nice guys."

"Do something nice for six people."

All right.

[ Imitates A Mad Scientist ] Let the experiment begin.

I'm signing off. But until then, I'm Josh.

This has been J-TECH. P-p-p-peace out.

* * [ Blues ]

You been here all day. You gotta shake the spot. Time for you to go.

[ Woman Speaking Native Language ]

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Yeah, please. Thank you for your help.

Can I help you across the street real quick? [ Woman ] Uh, no.

Are you sure? Yeah. I'm sure.

Hey, hey. I'm helping your dog.

Put this dog down. Jesus. Sorry.

Who are you? I just wanted to help.

All right, that definitely didn't work.

* Shake, shake the spot *

[ Josh ] Who wants some candy?

Here's a lollipop for the big boy.

* Now the shakin's all done and the man says it's time to go *

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

* Now do what you want, but you can't shake it here no more *

* I said I got a good bet you know the spot *

* Took the girls home and shake all night *

* I said shake, shake the spot Ha, ha, ha *

* Shake Shake the spot * * *

[ Keys Jangling ]

[ Engine Starts ]

What the fuck?

[ Whispers ] Bitch.

Goddamn it.

[ Sighs ]

Hello?

[ Squeaks ]

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

[ Chimes ]

So, we've just put the celery, onions and carrots in here to sauté.

We're gonna bring it back, and

This should be called the Cougar Cooking Class, 'cause, you know

[ Meows ]

13N13N * * [ Latin Dance ] [ Woman ] One, two, three, four, one

Now, remember, this is a very, very male dance.

You have to be very strong. Now take me 'round.

Very good.

"One hour to madness and joy!

O furious! O confine me not!

What is this that frees me so in storms?

What do my shouts amid lightnings and raging winds mean?

O savage! O" [ Record Scratch ]

Hey, man. We're trying to have some coffee here.

That's Walt Whiteman, you jerk.

First of all, it's Whitman.

What man? Not "what man?" Whitman.

It's Walt Whitman.

Whatever, dude. No culture in LA.

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

[ Chimes ]

[ Tattoo Gun Buzzes ]

[ Tattooer ] All right. We're done.

[ Greta Laughs ]

That's crazy. I lived the exact same thing.

Yeah, well, no more blind faith for me...

when it come to matters of the heart.

Well [ Chuckles ]

I'm not gonna let some crazy narcissist ruin it...

for all the good girls out there.

Oh, so you're like a philanthropist? No, no, no.

Uh, more like a humanitarian anda poet.

[ Laughs ] Oh, really? A poet.

"One hour to madness and joy!

O furious! O confine me not!

What is this that frees me so in storms?

What do my shouts amid lightnings and raging winds mean?

O to drink the mystic deliria deeper than any other man!

O savage and tender achings."

* * [ Latin ] "O to be yielded to you, whoever you are,

and you to be yielded to me, in defiance of the world!"

[ Chuckles ]

"O to return to Paradise.

O bashful and feminine,

O to draw you to me,

to plant on you for the first time,

the lips of a determined man."

[ Laughs ]

"O to be absolved from previous ties and conventions.

I from mine, and you from yours!

O madness amorous! O trembling!" [ Laughs ]

"To drive free! To love free!

To dash reckless and dangerous!

To court destruction with taunts,

with invitations.

To ascend, to leap to the heavens of the love indicated to me.

To rise thither with my inebriate soul!

To be lost, if it must be so!

To feed the remainder of life with one hour of fullness and freedom.

With one brief hour of madness and joy."

One hour?

Two?

[ Greta Screams, Laughs ]

Is that a dolphin? [ Dolphin Chirps ]

[ Cell Phone Chimes ] [ Greta and Josh Panting ]

Again. Now.

[ Josh, Out Of Breath ] Just hang on. [ Greta ] Okay.

[ Breath Quivers ]

[ Heavy Breathing ]

[ Greta Moans ]

[ Josh ] There's also a check list...

to keep track of all those hot, steamy, sexy positions,

as well as a rating system for your performance.

Imperative for any man...

[ Whispers ] except me.

'Cause I am a jaguar in the sheets.

[ Imitates Jaguar Growl ]

That's why I give "Kama Sutra Love Journey,"

four out of five stars.

And to the makers of this app

[ Whispers ] You had me at "sex position."

And for those of you who have commented on my Facebook status...

from going to "single" to "in-in-in a relationship," sorry, ladies.

I'm not available. I'm off the market now.

You're probably noticing that the app i-Lived,

the experiment that I've been doing, is going pretty well.

[ Exhales ]

And, by the increasing number of users who have downloaded the app,

it looks like it's going pretty well for you guys too. [ Imitates Trumpet Fanfare ]

[ Imitates Newscaster ] There have been some updates to the Web site,

most notably the private setting,

just in case you're too embarrassed to show the world...

what you're willing to do to better yourself.

It's a shame from this reviewer's standpoint,

because it provided hours of great comedy.

Now, I'm gonna put the app to the test with this next goal.

Get one...

million viewers.

No.

[ Voice Booms ] Eight million viewers!

Viewers!

* * [ Computer Fanfare ]

[ Panting ]

[ Heart Beating ]

[ Exhales ]

[ Chimes ]

Might I say that this is a person dressed for success.

It's almost a perfect fit.

Just a little bit on the inseam and the sleeves,

and the world is yours to take, looking like that.

How much is it? This one's $2300.

And you're looking at about $2700 with alterations.

Okay. Yeah.

Do you, uh, have something in a different fabric? Maybe a bit darker?

I think I might. Yeah, let me take a look.

What do you think?

Hot.

You think? Yeah, babe.

If you want to dress for success, that's the way to do it.

Do you mind getting the car while I pay for this? I gotta get back to work.

You're getting it?

You said hot, right?

[ Greta ] Like, "I want that guy" hot.

Seriously. Get the car.

[ Salesman ] Oy! Sorry.

Oy, where are you going?

Hey!

Hang on, mate! Hey!

[ Greta ] Are you all right? [ Josh ] Yeah. I'm fine.

[ Car Engine Starts ] [ Josh ] Let's go.

[ Salesman ] Hey! Come back here!

[ Josh ] Come on. Go, go, go! [ Tires Squeal ]

[ Loud Rumbling ]

[ Video Game Character ] Behold your ruin and witness my escape,

into the Kingdom of Purgatory,

and Paradise!

Yes!

Dude, I've been tryin' to beat that level for God knows how long.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ] You got chicks coming over, man?

It's probably just my landlord.

- You still haven't paid the rent? - Fuck that bitch.

[ Buzzing Continues ]

Oh, we got a badass over here.

I'm gonna get it, man.

A real tough guy, huh?

* * [ Ringtone ] [ Snickers ]

Hey, listen here, little lady

Fuckin' weirdo.

[ Scoffs ] It's not even raining.

[ Bobby ] Hey, man, you got some weird-ass

Sure. Monday for coffee sounds great.

All right, cool. See you then.

Some guy out of the UK is in town and wants to give me a job at this major tech site.

He said they're gonna pay me a salary.

Nice. Now maybe you can quit hiding in your own house.

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

"Always be firm and stand your ground."

[ Snaps Fingers ] That's the spirit.

That's a good one. I may use that one, Josh.

[ Bell Jingles ]

[ Door Opens ]

[ Bell Jingles ]

Dude...

there's a line.

Yeah? And?

You just cut it.

What are you gonna do about it?

It's cool, man. Yeah, I thought so.

[ Bell Jingles ] [ Door Closes ]

Are you Joshua? [ Josh ] Yes.

Sit, sit.

Just "Josh" is fine.

Josh from J-TECH.

I'm Roberto Luis and I love your little show, mate. Gotta tell you.

Love how you mix your personality with the reviews.

It's fresh. It's personal.

And most of all, it really inspires trust in your audience.

- Coffee? - I'm good. I've got

And let's face it, we're all trying to sell something.

Advertising, technology, entertainment, right?

- Are you the only writer? - Yep. Just me.

Incredible.

Well, I may have an interesting proposition for you, mate.

How would you like to have your own show...

on a site that has over eight million viewers worldwide?

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

Did you say eight million?

[ Screams ]

Oh, fuck.

[ Groans ]

[ Screams ]

[ Josh ] What the hell is this? Aaah!

[ Man Laughs ] Whoo! Look at that hot bitch!

[ All Chanting ] i-lived! i-lived! i-lived! i-lived! i-lived!

You are slaves. I'm a slave.

We're all slaves!

Not to God or the government, but to the aliens who live among us!

Beware! The technological alien invasion is coming!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Josh ] Who the hell are these people?

Wait a second, I know this dude.

Jeremy Otto.

Weird.

[ Josh ] He was using the app.

Dude... there's a line.

Yeah? And?

[ Josh ] You just cut it.

[ Otto ] What are you gonna do about it?

It's cool, man.

Yeah, I thought so.

[ Mouse Clicks ]

[ Mouse Clicks ]

[ Mouse Clicks ] [ Cell Phone Chimes ]

[ Chimes ]

* * [ Techno ]

Can I get a beer and a kamikaze?

One more time? A beer and a kamikaze!

Yeah. Sure.

Hello?

[ Groans ]

Hey.

What's your favorite animal?

I don't know.

Excuse me. Ugh.

I guess it's, like, pugs or something.

They're cute, they got scrunchy faces.

You're staring. It's weird. Can I get a drink?

Here you go.

Uh, Greta's tab?

Uh, yeah. All right.

[ Woman ] Hi. Nice to meet you.

[ Urinating ]

[ Toilet Flushes ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Chimes ]

[ Electricity Shuts Off ]

[ High-pitched Ringing ]

[ Door Opens ] [ Electricity Buzzing ]

Dad?

What are you doing?

Where's Mom?

Mom?

[ Josh ] I'm home.

What's the matter?

Mom?

- [ Woman Screams ] - [ Man, Laughing ] Oh, shit! Sorry.

- Let's go in here. - [ Heavy Breathing ]

[ Greta ] What happened?

What do you mean?

We rushed out of there.

I, uh, just wanted to be alone with you.

Okay, good. Me too.

* * [ Ringtone ]

* * [ Continues ] Hello?

This is, yes.

That's great.

Okay.

Of course I have a lawyer.

Sure. I'll do that.

Okay, great.

Talk to you later.

I guess I have to find a lawyer.

You got the job.

I think I got the job.

You think?

I got the job.

[ Computer Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Computer Beeps ]

Hey, what's up? It's so late.

I had to try, just in case you were awake.

What's going on? Are you guys okay?

Praise the Lord.

The doctors can't explain it.

They said they think she's in total remission.

It's a miracle.

A complete reversal in three weeks.

What? How is that possible?

I don't know.

Last week she was in such pain...

that she wanted to take her own life.

I told her it would keep her out of heaven if she did.

She wanted to kill herself?

Why didn't you call me?

I I wanted to help her do it.

I'm so ashamed to say it, but [ Sniffles ]

I love her so much.

I know you love her, Dad.

Now she's gonna be okay. Gonna be all right.

I tried, Son.

The Lord is rewarding us.

I can't believe it.

Now, you should go back to sleep.

- I love you, Son. - Dad, who who's at the house with you?

Just me and your mom.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

Dad, I can see someone sitting at the sofa chair.

What are you talkin' about?

[ Computer Beeps ]

[ Floor Creaking ]

Damn it.

Greta?

I didn't upload the video.

What?

The video for the app.

I usually have to upload the video, and then things happen.

I got the job, and I didn't upload the last video.

You got the job because...

you are talented.

And because you know your stuff.

Not because of some stupid app.

Come back to bed.

[ Beeps ]

Are you done with it yet?

[ Beeps, Chimes ]

Yeah, I am.

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Josh ] What's great about this app...

is you can access all your cameras...

right from your phone, anywhere in the world.

So, let's say you're goin' out of town,

and you're leaving your kids behind 'cause you don't wanna take 'em.

Or maybe you got that wife that's creepin' around, she's cheatin'.

You can check on her too.

Or maybe you got somebody that might be breakin' into your house.

You can check on your house from anywhere in the world.

That's what's pretty cool about this.

There's also a la-la-la-la- loop feature,

which allows you to flip from camera to camera without even doing anything.

And that's why I give this app four out of five stars.

Which brings me to my next announcement!

Yours truly, J-TECH,

is about to make a huge deal with the enormous tech site, Tekker.org.

Ah.

I'm gonna be hostin' their app review show.

[ Imitates Slot Machine ] Because I'm gonna be actually getting paid money.

Dolla, dolla bill. [ Imitates Slot Machine ] [ Cash Register Dings ]

Now, hold up.

Hold up. Hold up.

I know some of you purists out there are, like, "Josh, you sellin' out, okay?

Because you not gonna be little J-TECHanymore.

You gonna be big J-TECH!" And I get it, okay?

I'm not sellin' out, because you guys...

are gonna be part of a much larger network of dorks around the world.

Around the world.

Oh, and for those of you who have been following the i-Lived app experiment,

check this out motherfuckers!

Six-pack, bitches!

I'm Josh from J-TECH. Peace out, bitches.

* * [ Computer Fanfare ]

I do a lot of push-ups. You know, in my spare time.

It's all I do.

Hey. What's up, man?

This is a great party, huh? Yeah.

Hey, this is Alex.

Hey. Nice to meet you.

Hey, have you seen Greta anywhere?

Greta? I don't remember what she looks like.

Whoa. Excuse me. [ Clears Throat ]

[ Chatter ]

Excuse me.

[ Greta Chuckling ] Stop.

[ Greta Sighs ]

[ Whispering ]

You wanna get outta here? Absolutely.

[ Sighs ]

Can you give me a second?

Two minutes.

Josh...

come on.

You're a great guy, and I have a lot of fun with you, but...

I made myself pretty clear.

No strings attached, remember?

No. I don't remember.

What did you think this was gonna be, really?

Nothing. Whatever.

You're hurt.

We're all good.

[ Footsteps Receding ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Panting ]

Yes. Joshua Fosse.

He was supposed to call and talk to me about the terms of my

Well, can I talk to him?

13N13N[ Elevator Bell Dings ] [ Beeps ]

[ Woman ] Can I help you?

Yeah. Uh, hi. Mr. Luis, please.

He's unavailable. I told you that on the phone.

No, you said he didn't know me.

I've been calling for, like, three days. How do you

- Is that his office there? - Please. I don't want to have to call security.

Who is that?

- Sir - Who is he meeting with in there?

Mr. Luis!

Mr. Luis!

Mr. Luis!

- Roberto! - Come on, man, just chill out...

or I have to call the cops. Why don't youchill out?

Why don't you all just chill out?

[ Door Ajar Alarm Rings ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Engine Cranking ]

[ Engine Starts ]

Yes!

[ Horn Honks ] [ Tires Screeching ]

Fuck! [ Horn Stops ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Woman ] 911. What is your emergency?

Yeah, somebody broke into my garage. What is your address?

233 North Norton Avenue.

Hello?

Hello?

Fuck.

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

Joshua.

You all right?

You've been out for a while. Can you sit up?

I'm Detective McQuee. Here's my card.

If the guy comes back, just give me a call. All right.

* * [ Ringtone ]

[ Beeps ]

Dad.

What's going on? I'm at the hospital.

Where's Mom?

She's in the ICU.

I thought you said she was getting better. We need to pray, Son.

You said she getting better! She was.

I don't know what happened, but she took a turn for the worse.

How bad? She's in a coma.

Fuck.

Pray with me, Son. Will you stop with that?

You're always praying for her. What has that ever gotten you?

I'm scared.

I know the feeling.

Please. Pray with me, Son.

I'm gonna hang up now, okay?

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

"Devil I."

[ Beeps, Chimes ]

Oh.

[ Low, Indistinct ]

Hey!

[ Chimes ]

I mean, that is the craziest shit that I've ever heard.

I think you might want to lay off the computers for a while.

I saw this guy following me.

He was in my house.

The same guy in my parent's house.

A guy in a black trench coat teleported from your parents' house in Michigan...

to your house through Skype?

Teleporting? I'm fucking serious, dude.

I mean, I don't know, man. Did you read the user agreement?

What did I sign?

I was just messing with you, man.

No, it makes sense. No, it doesn't.

You didn't sign your soul away on your iPhone, all right?

I'm gonna break it down for you. Here we go Greta? She's out of your league.

She's smart. She's older. She has money.

She's fuckin' hot.

I'm mean, she's probably, uh, just geeking it.

And this UK web site thing, right?

It's a start-up, so it's worth a billion dollars today and then tomorrow they're bankrupt.

And your mom? Dude.

I'm sorry to say this, but she's been terminal for almost a year now.

I mean, you told be back then she'd be lucky to make it past three months.

So, I don't know what this thing's doing to your head,

but it's not responsible for what's happened in your life You are.

This thing is real.

Sometimes, I'm bangin', like, a really hot model.

And it feels real.

But then I'm, like, "Oh, shit."

[ Scoffs ] "I'm masturbating!"

On the Internet, that's what you're doin'.

You're masturbating, man.

I don't need you for this. I'll do it on my own.

No, you won't. Hey, hey, look.

You're about to commit a very serious felony right now, all right?

This isn't like, uh, stealing suits or giving kids candy.

I think I think I have a better idea.

There's a way we can do this cleanly.

What do you know about kidnapping someone?

Dude... I'm Filipino.

Hey! Help me! Help me! Help me!

[ Screaming ]

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

Rejected?

How's that possible?

Hey! How are you? Oh, I'm so thirsty.

Are you sure you don't want anything? It's totally on me. [ Chimes ]

They have, like, the best chai latte.

Um Mmm! Have you talked to Bobby Yen?

I tried calling him to let him know we're done, but he's not answering.

Anyway, I've never played a kidnapping victim before.

Do you think I could get a copy of that for my reel?

Or, you know, I could get it of YouTube as well.

[ Chuckles ] Are you all right?

Josh? You can't fool it.

[ Cell Phone Rings ] Oh! Hey. Where are you guys?

What's the matter?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! Where Where are you?

Okay, okay.

Bobby's been in an accident. I mean, he he's at the hospital, Josh.

How many fucking pages is this thing?

[ Plates Shattering ]

[ Floor Creaking ]

[ Mom ] Josh.

Josh.

Mom?

[ Gagging ]

You...

did this.

Why?

[ Coughs ]

* * [ Computer Fanfare ]

Hey, guys! It's Josh, from J-TECH.

Got a great bunch of reviews for you to share

me to share with you today.

Uh, see a lot of you have unsubscribed from my vlog.

I, uh I understand. It's okay.

You're probably waiting for that new link to my new show that I promised you.

Well... I decided to go in another direction.

I didn't want to be a corporate sellout...

and be selling somebody else's product, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, the first app that we're gonna review today let me let me get my list real quick.

[ Papers Rustling ]

Here we go.

Here's the list, okay?

The first app I'm gonna review is all about [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

[ Doorbell Buzzes ] The first app that I

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Damn it!

What now?

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - [ Paper Crinkles ]

- What? - [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

[ Beeps ]

What? Hello, Josh.

[ Beeps ] I'm sorry to disturb you.

[ Beeps ] I was just wondering if you were able to pay your rent.

[ Josh ] Really? Is that why you gave me an eviction notice?

[ Mrs. Lee ] I'm sorry about that, but it has been three months.

[ Josh ] I just need a little bit more time.

I'll get it to you soon. I just got a new job working online.

Online? Josh. [ Chuckles ]

I have a lot of people who are ready to pay some real money for this house.

[ Josh ] It's always about the money, isn't it?

[ Mrs. Lee ] Oh, I know things have been hard on you...

since you broke up with your girlfriend.

She was such a nice girl. It's too bad. [ Gasps ]

Josh!

I didn't know you graduated from Stanford.

[ Gasps ] Oh, your parents must be so proud of you.

[ Chuckles ] Wow.

Even though things haven't exactly panned out for you.

By the way, how is your mother?

Is she still dying?

- What are you Josh! - [ Shattering ]

[ Doors Closing ] [ Engine Starts ]

[ Muffled Screaming ]

[ Jenny ] Josh? Shit!

You scared the hell out of me.

- [ Muffled Screaming ] - You too. What's going on? What's that sound?

Um... I got a dog.

You got a dog?

Yes, I got a dog.

I always wanted to get a dog. You never let me.

Yeah?

Well, I didn't feel like livin' with two bitches.

You don't have to be mean about it.

What do you mean "mean," do you mean like bring other guys in our bed?

Guy. Not guys. Huge difference for me.

And besides, I always told you I was on the fence about us.

Well, you're outside the fence now.

So you can just go. How'd you even get in here?

I still have a key. I told you I was coming to get my last box.

All right, there it is. Take it.

Josh?

What? I'm very busy right now.

I just wanted to apologize for the way I treated you. Good.

Hope you feel better about yourself now.

I should have never left the way I did. I'm glad you did.

Don't miss me?

Even a little bit? This is nuts!

Why are you so angry?

Because you cheated, lied, stole and dumped me like a piece of shit...

when there was nothing left to take.

Now take your box and get the fuck out!

What happened to you, Josh?

Why? 'Cause I'm not getting used and pushed around by you anymore?

Good.

I love you.

[ Cell Phone Chimes ]

[ Chimes ]

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Why can't she just get it through her head to move on

Greta.

Jesus. What happened?

I'm so sorry.

I feel horrible about the way I treated you.

When it rains, it pours.

I know it's stupid to cry like this.

No. I didn't mean it like that.

I just didn't expect things to go so far between us.

What?

I think I really fell for you 'cause I got scared too, and then

I'm just gonna go. Wait.

And I know it doesn't mean anything anymore, but...

I didn't sleep with him.

[ Sniffles ] Josh...

any girl would be lucky to be with you.

* * [ Ringtone ]

[ Beeps ]

Yeah.

I've been expecting your call.

So, thank you guys so much for watching!

This has beenJ-TECH. Signing off for Tekker TV. Peace out.

[ Luis ] Did I tell you or did I tell you?

I mean, look at that face.

Is that not the face of technology?

Of the future?

You can trust this face. I know I do.

It's great.

Beautiful face.

[ Groaning ]

[ Computer Rings ]

Help! Shut up!

Just get away from me! [ Screams ]

Help! Help! Help!

Shut up! [ Panting ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

Is Mom better?

How did you know?

I just had a feeling.

Someone here wants to talk to you.

Hi, baby.

It's okay. Mom's okay.

The doctors say they think I'm gonna be just fine.

It's the darndest thing, isn't it?

[ Sniffles ] I love you, Mom.

I love you too, sweetheart.

I'm gonna visit really soon. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you.

Don't you worry about me. You just take care of yourself.

I know I'm in your prayers.

I love you.

I'll be right back.

Thank the Lord.

[ Sighs ]

I won't lie to you. She's in a lot of pain.

[ Cries ] But they say that she's gonna live.

I tell you, we have a guardian angel looking over this family, Josh.

How else can you explain it.

Thank the Lord. Blessed be thy name.

Dad, Mom is standing behind you.

What are you talking about?

[ Panting ]

[ Chimes ]

[ Man ] One, two. * Some day *

* Yeah *

[ Man Indistinct ] * I just feel good today *

[ Laughs ] * Just say Eddie, Eddie *

* You're not the same * Sing it, daddy.

* * [ Man Singing Rap ]

No. [ Muffled Mumbling ] * * * [ Continues ]

[ Electricity Crackles ] [ Mrs. Lee Screaming ]

* * [ Stops ]

[ Whispering ] I have to do it again.

[ Electricity Crackles ]

[ Chimes ]

[ Knocking ]

Josh? It's Greta.

[ Knocking ]

I know you're in there.

[ Knocking ]

I missed you.

I have a surprise for you.

[ Woman ] * Feeling, it feels so good *

* Wear a veil of golden light *

13N13N * * [ Continues ] [ Panting ]

[ Moaning ]

* But I don't know what happens now *

* Wear a veil of golden light *

* We are the worst *

* We are the worst *

* All night All right *

* * [ Continues ]

* We are the worst *

* We are the worst *

* All night All right *

[ Growling ]

[ Grunting ]

* We are the worst *

[ Moaning ] [ Grunting ]

* All night All right * * *

[ Laughing ]

* * [ Ends ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Computer Ringing ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

[ Rings ]

Is Mom better?

How did you know?

I just have a feeling.

Someone here wants to talk to you.

[ Mom ] Hi, baby.

Oh, it's okay, honey.

The doctors say they think I'm gonna be just fine.

It's the darnedest thing, isn't it?

I love you, Mom.

I love you too, sweetheart.

I'm gonna visit really soon. I'm sorry I haven't been there.

No, don't you worry about me.

You take care of yourself, okay?

I love you.

[ Dad ] I'll be right back.

Thank the Lord!

Dad, listen to me.

They say she's gonna live.

13N13NWe have a guardian angellooking after this family, Son. [ Mumbling ]

How else can you explain it.

Thank the Lord. Oh, blessed be thy name.

She's standing right behind you!

She's gonna stab you with a knife!

Dad, she's gonna stab you! Watch out!

What are you talking about?

I feel so much better.

You look really tired. I think you need to get some rest.

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Greta ] Josh.

It's Greta.

Go away!

[ Knocking ] Leave me alone!

I know you're in there.

Detective McQuee.

Hello? [ Panting ]

Hello?

Who's there?

Can you hear me?

Look, if you've got an emergency, you gotta call 911, all right?

Hello?

Hello?

[ Chimes ]

[ Man ] "'Tis a common proof that lowliness is young ambition's ladder,

where to the climber upward turns his face.

But when reaches the upmost round unto the ladder, he turns his back,

looks to the sky, scorning the base degrees by which he did ascend."

Hello, Joshua.

What is this? Who are you? What do you want from me?

If memory serves me right, it was you who came looking for me.

You needed help with a young lady Greta.

Holy shit. The app.

i-Lived. Are you the developer?

In a sense. Are you unsatisfied with the product?

How does it work?

Like all apps. A series of equations, fractions, numbers.

An algorithm designed to solve a specific problem, fulfill a need.

That's the definition of technology.

From fire to the wheel to the Internet

technology's made the world a better place for you, has it not?

This is different. It's like it knows me.

It knows you, Josh, because you've uploaded everything about yourself.

Likes, dislikes, fears,

hopes, photos, videos,

intimate thoughts and desires.

I want it to stop.

Stop? Why would you want it to stop?

Hasn't it given you everything you've asked for, everything you've wanted?

It's hurting people.

People hurt people, Josh. This This is helping people.

By killing someone? Everybody dies.

It's a means to an end. We're just... helping them along.

It wants too much. Everything is changing.

Everything's always changing.

It's the serpent shedding its skin.

It's Eve giving Adam the apple.

It's been with you since the beginning of time.

Apple?

That's right. You think you can take it on?

It's too late. We're in business together, and the numbers are climbing.

I never asked for this.

This is exactly what you asked for.

- I want out. - I wish I could help.

You signed a contract. You made a deal.

I never read it.

They never do.

I want out.

Josh, let me remind you of all of that amazing footage of you and Miss Lee in the garage.

Torture, kidnapping, electricity.

Oh, that that was good.

I own you.

i-Lived is 300 million strong because of your glowing endorsement.

You work for me now.

Josh, you're so close.

Be the man you're destined to be.

Take it,

or... your life ends now.

I'm not sorry for this.

I have no feelings for you.

I have no remorse.

No guilt.

[ Muffled ] No! No!

* * [ Woman Singing ]

* Saw what I needed to see * *

* Struggling to be myself * *

* I looked into the mirror * *

* And didn't recognize *

* * [ Continues ]

* * [ Continues ]

* I walked out to the ledge *

* And closed my soul tight * *

* There's no turning back * *

* I want you to fly with me *

* And soar into the light * *

* I'll show you how *

* Oh, I *

* Am freakin' *

* In a sea of pain *

* Oh, I *

* Am flailing *

* In a sea of pain *

* Yeah *

* * [ Continues ]

* * [ Ends ]

* * [ Piano ]

* * [ Ends ]