All language subtitles for Xena Warrior Princess - 03x08 - The King of Assassins.DVDRip.English.orig.

THE KING OF ASSASSINS

Last chance.

Where's Melkray headed?

Oh-- you'll just have
to figure that out.

See, Melkray and me--
we're friends to the end.

I personally led his private guard
when we destroyed the army of Lindmuth

not that Lindmuth
had much of an army.

I've seen better warriors in a schoolyard.

Well, school's out.

Meet some of the warriors
from Lindmuth's army--your new roomies.

He's heading towards Parsipedus

He's taking the road
through the mountains.

He's camping by the lake!

He wears red leather armor,

and he--sleeps with
his back to the door!

All right, all right.

You-- put him in a cell on his own.

If you're telling the truth,
I'll be back. If not-- you rot.

Come on!

Joxer the Mighty.

I roam through the country-side.

I never need a place to hide.

With Gabby as his sidekick.

Joxer?
Xena!

You're here.
Word must be out on me.

There's blood on my hands.

Looks like you've been
pecked by a chicken.

It was my prize chicken.

That's what he gets for stealing it.

I didn't steal it.

I liberated it!

But I came this close to murder.

Those little beaks are sharp.

I'll pay for the chicken.

Joxer, go into town;

tell Gabrielle I've gone to Parsipedus.

Xena, it's only a matter of time.

These hands are lethal weapons,

and there is no telling
what they might do.

Joxer, you can barely kill time.

It's just not you. Good boy.

With a few changes, it could be me!

Could be me.

Easy, now. Nice and slow.

Hurry!

Uh-uh-uh-uh-- patience.

A good thief-- like a good lover--

takes his time-- has patience.

Just-- get the sword.

You see, the security
system is pressure-sensored.

I wouldn't want to upset the
delicate balance now, would we?

Shut up!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-- diamonds
and rubies-- and pearls.

Oh, my!

Well,that wasn't so bad.
Shall we?

What in Tartarus?!
Hey! That's my sword!

What was that all about?!

He was a warlord;
no one will mourn his death.

Well, that may be, but cold-blooded
murder was not part of the plan.

I don't do murder.

You'd better get used to it!
A good assassin does many.

Anyway--stealing a sword
is only one part of my plan.

Does your plan, by chance,
involve any other murders?

Count on it.

Fishcakes!

Well-- I guess I won't be needing this, anymore.

Get ready for Joxer, the Dangerous.

Excuse me.

Pardon me, uh-- you?
Now, take it easy.

I can explain everything.

Don't-- don't get carried away.

Where?

Here-- here-- here's your sword.
There you go.

Oh, listen, I think you've got --

No, I didn't mean to take it with me.

You know, I'm gonna tell you something.

I've been checking on you,

and the word on the street
is that you are-- the best.

Ha!You are-- the man.
Ha-ha-ha.

You're just-- a little too dangerous for me.

Ah, listen. I think y-- yeah, I, um--

I am pretty dangerous--aren't I?

-So, you're OK with this, then?
-Yeah!

-No hard feelings?
-No

We're both professionals, of course.

Sure!

You go your way, and I'll go mine.

But first, you're gonna tell me
how dangerous I am.

Ah, well, I certainly
know that the people

you're hired to take care of
always manage to, uh-- go away.

And that, uh-- just being
around you is very, um-- dangerous.

Yeah-- as a matter of fact,
danger is my middle name--

'D-A-N-J--aaahhhhhhh!

Three hours, Joxer.

I waited for you for three hours--

with a bunch of drunken,
horny half-wits!

Ow!

I have been grabbed more
times than the golden fleece!

Gabrielle, what are you doing?

This man is a killer!

I saw him murder a man, last night.

Him? He was in prison
last night for chicken theft.

Well, then who-- ?

But he looked exactly like you--
same long,ferret face;

beady eyes; slack jaw; pasty--

OK, I got it; I got it!

Another man looks like Joxer?

If he's an assassin,
it's probably my brother, Jet.

Jet.

Brother?

You mean to tell me that this guy
is not a cold, calculating assassin?

Him? Let me tell you
what the real Joxer is like.

Dangerous, huh? You want dangerous?
I'll give you dangerous!

Wait! Now let's just calm down,

and-- and figure this out. OK.

Now--

why is it that you never mentioned
that you had a brother?

'Cause I was embarassed, OK?

OK-- I guess it would-- would be hard--

knowing that your brother is an assassin.

You don't know the half of it!

My whole life's been, 'Jet stole some horses;

Jet torched a village;

Jet killed the neighbors
My parents were so proud.

Whoa-- back up.
They were proud of the black sheep of the family?

No, I'm the black sheep.
My father's a warlord.

My mother's a warlord's wife.

My whole family's like that.

But, Jet-- how do you compete
with an over-achiever like that?

We stop him.

Excuse me?

Jet-- he's going to murder someone
and we have to stop him.

Who could it be?

He wanted you to steal the sword
and then kill someone with it.

Yeah.

Now, wait a minute.

And then frame the owner of the sword,
and nobody would be the wiser.

Sure.

You follow me?

Not in a million years--
the owner of the sword happens to be dead.

He was some bigshot warlord--
no one's gonna miss him.

Yeah.

Still-- the murder weapon would be untraceable.

But who could the target be?

Oh, well-- you know--

Jet doesn't work cheaply,
so it's probably a bigwig.

He hires a thief to steal a weapon--

placing the weapon in the
room before the murder.

It's clever. I know what we have to do.

Well-- I hope it includes Xena,

because it's not going to include me.

Autolycus, you have to go through with this.

When he makes contact with you,

we will set a trap
and catch him in the act.

Mmmm-- Mm-hmm.

It's a good plan.
Hey, I've been watching Xena;

I know how she thinks.

All right, let me get this straight.

You want me to sneak the
murder weapon into a castle,

to stop his lunatic brother
from assassinating someone we don't

even know, for no gain whatsoever?

Exactly.

I don't think so--
I'm not as dumb as he looks.

Yeah, I'm not half as d--

Autolycus, an innocent
person is going to die.

No he isn't, because he's leaving.
Goodbye.

If Jet is not captured,
he'll know you ran out on him,

and he'll hunt you down.

That's a risk I'll happily take.

It's a chance to do something really good.

Hah.

And get a big reward.

Oh, she had to say the R word. Ahh.

Come here! Come here!
What's this?! Get out of here!

Hold it right there.

Well-- this should be interesting.

No one with a weapon
gets inside that castle.

Yeah-- interesting.

Hmm.

Hmm.

The security must be here
because Jet's target has arrived.

Ah-hah.

Huh.

Could be.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Mmm.

There's a concept called personal space.
Look into it.

Hey, I'm just trying to
broaden my knowledge.

You might be the King of Thieves,
but I am Master of Mayhem.

There's a lot we can learn
from each other, you know.

Sure.

Hey, why don't you start by teaching me
how to disappear without a trace?

OK. First--

Why exactly is he here?

He knows Jet.

No, in a grander sense.
Why is he here?

OK, here's the plan.

When you get inside, go to the
room Jet told you to go to.

Leave the sword where he said to leave it,
and wait for him to make contact.

What if, in the process--

he kills the person with the sword,

because he found it where I put it?

Well, if it were as simple as murder,

he would have done that by now.

Yeah.

There has to be a second part.

He won't kill right away.

So, you're saying this is
what Xena would do.

Oh, yes-- mostly-- probably.

Look-- she did the same thing when
she had to sneak a baby into King Gregor's castle.

King Gregor was killed by a baby?

When you get into the room,
drop a rope outside the window,

and we'll climb up.

Right now, just concentrate on
getting that sword past the dog.

Please-- after all, you are dealing with--
the King of Thieves.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

You-- Master Moron-- let's go.

All right now, Joxer,
listen to me very carefully.

I know what we're gonna do.

We're gonna get that guard,
knock him out, drag him into the woods,

take his uniform, and sneak
into the castle-- right?

Yeah-- something like that.
Hey, you've got strong hands.

Sure-- like a killer.

All right, Killer, here.
Hold your hand out like that.

Like that?

Yeah-- like you're gonna grab
something really hard.

-Like that?
-You ready?

-Yeah--
-Yeah, now grab!

- Wo
-Guards!

Oh-- oh, oh, Lady.
Oh, Lady. Oh, Lady.

Can you believe that?!
He was fondling her behind!

-You fondled her behind?!

No, I did not.

I can't believe that you did that.

I can't believe that you did that!

OK-- I'll take care of him. Yo!

Worthless excuse for a husband!

Come on!

Ha-ha-ha-ha.
You sure handled that rift-raft pretty well.

Yeah, I like to think so.

I think you've got 'Captain of the Guards'
written all over you.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

It's been a long time coming.

Oh, I'll bet it has.
Well, you keep up the good work, huh?

Yeah-- I'll do that.

Well-- ha-ha-- ha. I do love my work.

This way, your Highness.

Remove her robe.

Ooh, by all means.

Hang this up.

Oh, there's a word for people like me-- lucky.

Your bath is ready, Queen Cleopatra.

Cleopatra? Ho!
I've died and gone to Olympus.

Cover her!

Almost to the top.

OK-- back to the show.

Get up!

Is there a Plan B?

Yeah-- we let the guards take us
prisoner and throw us into the dungeon.

That's the dumbest idea-- I have ever--

helper.

That's better. Gently.

Here we go-- nice and easy. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Get into the bath.

Oh--boy. Turn around, Cleo.

One moment!

Ahhh.

You wish to see me, my Queen?

Yes. I am impatient, Pontius.

I have been here three days
and yet, no one has come.

The invitations were
only sent out yesterday.

By dusk tomorrow,you will have
your choice of armies.

I want the best.
My future is riding on this.

Ptolemy is sure to know
where you are by now.

There can be no reconciliation
with my brother.

Ptolemy has stolen my throne.

I am the rightful ruler of Egypt--

by birth and by the will of the people.

I intend to have the best
army Greece has to offer--

Sword-- right, right here.

-- march into Egypt--

All right-- the sword.

-- and take back what is mine.

Yes, my Queen.

No one can fault you for
taking back what is rightfully yours.

Who are you?

Who am I? Who am I?

Uh-- that's a very good question.

Under the circumstances,
I would say that is an excellent question.

I don't waste my time with bad thieves.

Bad thie-- ?

I'll have you know, I am the King of--

security for my boss,

who's a great warrior--

who happens to have more
than a passing interest in your charms--

uh,your charming offer to invade Egypt.

Go on.

And-- well,

I-- check out the security
before my boss goes anywhere,

and, uh--ha-ha-- I gotta tell ya--
this place is lacking.

My chief of security is
very good at what he does.

You must just be very good at
what you do.

You don't know the half--

Still-- give me one good reason
why I shouldn't call him now.

One reason, one reason-- yes, well,

uh-- you're looking for the best warrior.

I happen to work for the best.

Surely you've heard of-- Xena. Ahhh.

Ohhhh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
I think I bruised my brain.

Gabrielle-- do you see a bruise here?

It's just a minor setback.
No plan is foolproof.

It depends on the fool.

They're going to question us.

We have to get our stories straight.

I know, uh-- wait!

We can tell them we're circus performers,

and we were just rehearsing an act.

Where does it hurt?

Right there. Ow!

My name is Pontius--
chief of security for Cleopatra.

Cleopatra?

You were caught trying
to break into the castle.

That is a very serious offense.

Have you ever heard of the
world-famous Rigulian Sisters circus?

Don't listen to her.

Look-- I know there's gonna be
an assassination attempt on Queen Cleopatra,

and I'm here to warn you.

Assassination? Alert the guard.

Lock all the gates until the intruder is found.

No one is allowed in or out.

Hmm, we'd heard that Ptolemy might try this.

I'm afraid I can't let you
leave the castle right now,

but please-- stay-- as guests of the Queen.

Release them.

The man is a genious.

That's the assassin you hired?

First-- he manages to get
himself into the castle.

Next-- he gives me a legitimate

reason to lock all the doors.

When he kills Cleopatra,

Ptolemy's gonna make me
a very wealthy man.

Who's the girl?

Oh, he's a man's man. The girl is obvious.

She's certainly not here to think.

What were you thinking?

There's no reason for both of us to get the ax.
What's that?

Look-- I'm sorry,Gabrielle.

This is for your own protection.
My brother's a killer.

I don't want you in the way when I stop him.

Joxer!

Thank you, my good man.
Thank you very much.

Now, when Cleopatra's ready
to finish our little chat,

you just come and get me, all right?

Here's a little something for your troubles.

Anytime-- anytime, indeed.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, hello there.

You can call me Auto.
Can I call you Cleo?

So soon?

Well-- can't say as I blame her. You?

What took you so long?
Hey, where's Gabrielle?

You know what? Never mind.

You just tell her I've got
everything under control.

Now, beat it. Ha-ha-ha.

What a loser!

Ah-- oh-- ah! Oh, Jet.

Hello, and how nice to see you again.

Ah-- easy on the throat, can you?

I've got this silly little breathing habit.

I barely made it in before
they locked the doors.

You know what puts me in
a foul mood, Autolycus?

When my business partners--
run out on me.

Is that what you think?

I'm shocked.

You're deceased.

Then what was I doing in
Cleopatra's room , huh?

Just following your orders.

Where's the sword?

In her chambers, right where you wanted it.
When we got separated,

I thought I'd go ahead with the plan,

because I knew you'd show up

Good-- wait here while I kill her.

Sure, I-- ooh! Now?

You mean, there isn't a--
second part to your plan?

No.

Oh, uh-- see-- that's a bad idea.
'Cause, uh, security-- well,

it's on high alert--

and, uh-- there's guards--
all through the chambers-- and no one--

I mean,no one, gets in to see her.

Autolycus-- Cleopatra will see you now.

Except me.

You're good. Once you're inside--
dismiss Cleopatra's guards.

That'll be-- my signal-- to strike.

You need help.

Gabrielle, you have a plan.
Nothing is set in stone.

Flexibility-- that's the key!
What would Xena do?

I hope you don't mind.

I find a bath can be quite relaxing during negotiations--unless it distracts you.

Distracts me? Beautiful woman
lying naked in a bathtub?

Where was I?

We were negotiating
for your client's services.

Ah, yes-- but I think I should warn you, Cleopatra.

I drive a hard bargain.

Mm-hmm. I think you'll find
my offer quite, um-- generous.

No doubt. You certainly
have a lot of-- assets.

Mm-hmm. But, how will I know
what you have to offer will satisfy me?

Well, let's just say,
I've never had any complaints.

Mmm.

But I'm reluctant to dive right in.

You see, first, I need to know--
when-- where--and how often?

I'll let you know as soon as
you make a firm offer.

Are you firm yet, Autolycus?

I don't know.
I haven't seen your bottom line.

Let's put this deal to bed, shall we?

Oooh-- love to.

Guards! Leave us!

Guards-- leave us!
No-- no, wait, uh-- they have to stay.

Any business transaction requires-- witnesses.

Kinky.

I've just cut off the
flow of blood to your limbs.

The numbness is setting in.

Nope! I seem to be fine.
Don't do that.

Uh! I didn't want to resort to violence,
but lives are at stake!

Joxer, Joxer, Joxer, Joxer. Joxer, Joxer.

You are so lucky you're still alive, right now.

Don't you ever lock me in a cell like that, again.

Now, we have to get this plan back on track.

Have you seen your brother?

No, I haven't, but he must be
around here, somewhere.

Well, look-- let's just split up.

Now, if I see him, I'll come and find you.

I think you can handle your
brother better than I can.

I'll probably get myself killed,or--

No,no-- he'd never kill you
Deep down inside,

he's got a heart of gold.
I'm the loser.

Don't say that about yourself.
You are worth a thousand Jets.

You don't know how long
I've waited for this moment

all the years of torment;
all the teasing.

It all ends here, my brother.

And you know what?
I'm gonna give you--

the first move-- but beware.

You're fighting Joxer-- the Mighty.

Kind of like looking in the mirror--
eh, Brother?

Been a long time, Joxer.

But you got this coming to ya.

No!

Come here! You little ugly excuse for a brother!
Give me a hug!

Oh, Jet, don't! Don't!
Ah! Ah, not that! Not the finger!

Ow! Cut it out!I know you're after Cleopatra,

and I'm not gonna let you do it!

Make me.

Joxer and I don't--

-- have to! Jinx! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

You're a riot, Jox. I don't know how you found out--

but seeing you sure explains a lot. Hey-- nice clothes.

Thanks.

Copy-cat. Hey-- is Jase here, too?

Don't mention our brother's name in public.

Oh, yeah-- I forgot. What's that?

What? Ow!

How long has it been? Five years? Six?

Let me count the assassinations.

That's how I keep track. Ax murder in Athens.

I'm serious! Things are different, now.

I've seen evil, and I've changed my ways!

Bro-- if you saw evil--

you'd have to change your pants.

Look-- Xena taught me. I travel with her, now.

Oh-- you're friends with Xena, now.

Maybe you taught Hercules a thing or two.

Oh-- Joxer, the tidy;

He always inside-ey.

Never hurts the other boys,

Even when they steal his toys.

Remember that one?

Well, at least Mom sang to _me_.

Hey-- who's the cute little blonde
who swings the mean stick?

You lay one finger on her,

and I will rip you apart with my bare ha--

You're not threatening me--
are you Jox?

No.

Hey-- I missed ya. We should get together.

But for now-- don't get in my way.

-Sorry, Brother-- I can't let you do it. Ooohh!

Mmm. You do drive a hard bargain.

Consider our relationship--consummated.

Pleasure doing business with you, Cleo.
Why, thank you.

Oh, hot towel. Well, I could
get used to this in a hurry.

Hey,it feels pretty good.

A little lower, Sweetie.
Ow! Gabrielle?

Sh. Have you found Jet?

Yes.He's waiting nearby
for the guards to leave,

so he can come in and finish the job.

You know, for your information,

there was no second part to his plan.

Why don't we just tell Cleopatra?

No, no, no. We have Jet right
where we want him.

Now, I have to get to Pontius--
without raising suspicion.

I thought you had it all figured out.

Ah, Cleopatra. I've got to talk to Pontius

about your security.
I'd like to meet him in my room.

Ah, you, girl, go fetch him.

Yes, my Lord.

Until later, my Sweet.

Hmm-- I could find uses for that man.

Did I just see-- what I thought I saw?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh, Autolycus.

Thank goodness it's you.

It's me--Joxer!

How can I be sure?

I'm hanging from the
wall by my underwear.

Good point.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh! Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

All right now, listen.
Jet is just waiting for those guards to leave.

Gabrielle is going to get Pontius.

So, with some luck,
he'll be executed by nightfall,

and I can get back to
negotiating with Cleopatra.

Wait a minute; wait a minute.

He might be a killer,
but he's still my brother.

Are you serious?
What did you think was gonna happen?

A slap on the wrist?

The man is an assassin.

Oh, oh, and you're perfect, Autolycus?

Look, look-- I just might be able to

convince him to do good-- like Xena did for me--

and like Hercules did for you.

Two things. One, I find it very hard
to believe that this is the improved you;

and two, I am only in this for the reward.

No-- you've got a good heart, Autolycus.

Well, that may be, but I'd like to keep it here

beating happily in my chest.

And while Jet is alive,
there is no guarantee of that.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, let's go.

Pontius-- it's me, it's Gabrielle.
Don't let the disguise fool you.

Now, look, we have the assassin cornered.
He's near Cleopatra's room.

If we move now, we can catch him.

Are you sure you know what he looks like?

Yeah-- he looks like the guy I came here with.

Found him in the hallway. Did you tell him?

Mm-hmm. This is what you're looking for.

Guards.

All part of Xena's plan, I'm sure.

I don't know what tavern you met this girl in,

but she almost blew your entire plan.

What?

Right-- Jet. Your boss realized
I knew who you were-- Jet.

Hmm--there's no stopping you now.

Why do you keep calling me-- ?

Jet.

Becuase you're the best assassin, aren't you-- ?

Jet.

Joxer-as- Oh-- oh-- yes, uh yes, I am.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-- ha-ha-ha.

Yes, um-- it was you and I all along!

They were just dupes-- in-- my plan.

Ha-ha-- hmm.

Now-- nothing can stop us!

Yes, yes of course.
Lock them in the dungeon.

Hey!

Now-- assassin-- do your job.

It's brother against brother. Oh, brother.

Well, there's one down.

You just had to tell 'em
you're the King of Thieves.

Yeah, I worked hard for that title, Princess.

You know, this would be easy if I had my tools.

At least Joxer is still out there.

Ah yes, the rebel without a clue--
and the girl with a plan.

'I've been watching Xena.
This is what Xena would do.'

OK, so I'm not as good as Xena,

but my plan would have worked
if you had followed it

instead of romancing Cleopatra.

Ho-ho! Now, you blaming me!
Oh, that's rich. You know, once--

I'd like to see one of your
Xena plans-- actually work.

I'm going to be resting.

Do your security checks, then leave me.

So, Joxer-- is the only one out
there trying to find Jet.

Now, I must be missing something, here.

Gabrielle, why didn't you just--
go to Cleopatra,

and tell her when you knew
she was a target?

Ah-- now, Xena, that's easy for you to say.
You weren't there.

Gabrielle's plan kept Jet off-balance
long enough to find a man on the inside-- right?

Yeah-- that's right-- Pontius.

Pontius, exactly. Now, frankly,

I had my doubts that there was
a man on the inside, but fortunately,

Gabrielle insisted that we follow her plan.

Hmm.

Good plan. Now-- Gabrielle, you find Joxer.

Autolycus, you find Jet.

I'm going to get to Cleopatra.

Right.

Thank you. You may be a thief, but--

No, don't say it. All right-- say it.

You have a heart of gold.

Aw-- ha-ha-ha. Come on.

Time for blood.

Ah-- Cleopatra. We have got--
what's with the veil? Oh-- oh-- I get it.

Ha-ha-ha. Nice veil, ah, Cleopatra.
Ah, Joxer. Jet? Joxer.

Wrong-- Jet.

Well, it doesn't matter who you are--

because I didn't put the sword
where you told me to.

Oh?

Only I know where it is.

Well, maybe you haven't noticed,
it's not where you left it. Ahh.

Uh! Ooh! Oh, I hate when I'm outbluffed.

First-- I'm gonna kill you--
and then I'm going to kill-- her.

Kill her? Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one.

Yeah, I'd like to see you try. Go ahead.

Show him what you're
made out of-- Cleopatra. Cleopatra?

Now-- where was I? Oh, yeah-- murder.

Ooh! Jet.

Get outta here, right now!

Put-- the sword down, Jet. There's another way.

No, there isn't. Believe me-- I've considered it.

I don't believe it.

Are you actually gonna fight me?

I have to, Jet. It's who I am, now.

Mom.

Where?

What?

Be nice.

Why, you-- Wow.

I told you to be nice.

We have company.

Ah! Huh! There we go. Huh? How about some?

Step right up! Step right up!

Pick a number. Huh? How are you? Here you go!

Ha-ha-ha. At least-- you'll die.

Nobody hurts my brother-- except me.

The local regent has offered to try Jet
here in Miramus that is, with your permission.

I owe you my life.

That's not something I soon forget--

though I don't understand--

why the assassin can't be executed here.

Sadly, execution isn't recognized here in Miramus.

He'll be in prison for life.

Hmm. Are you ever planning on
coming to Egypt, Xena?

If you do, send word.

I'll plan a reception the world
won't soon forget.

Well-- was that my invitation to Egypt?

That was a thank you.

My real kisses are a bit more-- intense.

I'm sorry, Jet.

No hard feelings.

Hey-- I hear they're sending
me to prison in Miramus--

give me a chance to catch up with Dad.

Joxer-- you got a good thing going here.

Don't blow it.

Don't let anyone tell you who you are
or who you could be--

that includes family.

Hey--hang onto that little blond.

She's pretty smart. What's that?

Well-- guess you're all just gonna
be looking at me a little bit different, now.

Nope.

I think not.

Same old same old.

Captioned by Grantman Brown