All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S08E21.WEBRip.x264-ION10

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
Australia was everywhere.

We went mad for Men at Work

and all-in on
Olivia Newton-John.

But for my brother Barry,
the only Aussie that mattered
was Crocodile Dundee.

He's stepping on
those New Yorkers

with boots covered
in kangaroo dung,

and they love him for it!

And who deserves to live
happily ever after

more than a leathery
Australian man

who threatens city folk
with a giant knife?

Stop being mopey.
It's annoying.

I'm sorry if my lack of joy
inconveniences you.

I'm still reeling from
my break-up with your sister.

When a bloke loses
his Sheila,

it's worse than when
a dingo steals your baby.

Your words are nonsense,
but your tone is comforting,
so thank you, I guess?

Okay, how do I look?

Let me just straighten
this out a little bit.

Ooh! Oh.

What the hell, lady?

[SIGHS] Now it's uneven.

Okay, I can fix it.

[FABRIC TEARS]

Oh, my God!
Why are you even here?

You want to win back
Geoff's heart,
and I want to help you.

Your hair needs more oomph.

Luckily, I've got a crimper,
a curler,

and a flat iron
in my purse.

Back off, Vidal Sassoon.

I'm not here
to win him back.

I just really miss him,
and I want to figure
things out.

Well, then what am I
even doing here?

I'd like to know, too.

Just let me put some lotion
on your legs.

Just go!

You think
it's gonna be easy

making an intimate,
romantic connection
without your mom?

[CHUCKLES] We'll see.

[SIGHS]

Probably the case
of Vegemite I ordered.

I bought a ton because there's
no way it's not delicious.

Hello? Anyone in there?

It's just my dumb sister.

Barry, no, no, no.
You can't open it.

She probably wants to know
why I didn't show up
to her gig in L.A.

Why did you
leave her hanging

in that incredibly
important moment?

I humiliated myself
when I bumped into her,

and I thought I'd just
cut my losses.

Was that the wrong move?

Impossible to say,
but definitely.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]Just make something up.
Get rid of her.

I got you. Let's go.

[SIGHS]
Dear sister.

Back from
the City of Angels.

Did you get me a tiny Oscar
that says "Best Brother"?

I don't have the energy
for Barry time.

Just tell me
where Geoff is.

[SIGHS] I have no idea.

Too busy grabbing life
by the horns to check in
with Big Tasty.

Really?
Geoff's doing well?

He's crushing life.
He's looking jacked,
feeling jacked.

Hell, he's even seeing
a new jacked lady.

A lady? What lady?
Like, a real lady
with eyes and feet?

All the parts.

In fact,
she's from Australia.

Her name's Paula Hogan.

Plays a fierce didgeridoo.

[LAUGHS] So unexpected
and haunting.

Anyway,
may I take a message?

I guess just say hey

and congrats on landing
a super muscular
Australian lady

named Paula.

Or no message.

Bye.

What the hell, Barry?
Why would you say that?

The best lies are specific
and upsetting.

Now, let's get you
cleaned up.

No. What? No!Come on.

Come on, dude!

♪♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

♪♪ I don't know the future

♪♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪♪

ADULT ADAM: It was May 12th,
1980-something,

and senior prom
was approaching.

I couldn't wait to party
with my friends
and my girl, Brea.

I need some dress info.

Are we still going
classic black?

And is a corsage
that squirts water
still a deal breaker?

It is, and that's all
I'm telling you...

Except that
my dress is perfect.

I feel ya. I mean,
my tux is a rental
and deeply discounted

because it's a size called
"almost a mister,"

but we have everything
in common.

Well, what we do have
is pretty special.

[CHUCKLES]

What's up with
your face?

It's the same smile
you had

when you fell in
that puppy pit
in fifth grade.

There's not a man alive

who wouldn't love
that many little tongues.

And I'm excited about
this weekend.

So you heard about it, too?

Mega Twister's
finally here.

Twister?
Oh, no, thanks.

My mom says that's
a gateway game
to having babies.

Mega Twister...

The new coaster at
White Swan Park.

I heard it killed
three people in testing.

As much fun as possibly
falling out of the sky

in Pittsburgh sounds,

I think you're forgetting
prom is this Friday.

I didn't forget.

But as I don't have a date,

I think you know
what that means.

Is that
our friendship pact?Indeed.

This states that if one of us
doesn't have a prom date,

the other will stand by him
in lonesome solidarity.

I was being a boy,
not signing a mortgage.

And what about Brea?

You're always going on about
how understanding she is.

She'll get it.

We're gonna eat churros
and do a loop-de-loop!

ADULT ADAM: There was
no way I could choose

between my girl
and my best friend.

So in a desperate move,
I went to the only
other person home.

Dad, I need your help.

I'm saving my energy for
a trip to the kitchen later.

What about Mom?Great idea.

She can bring me food
from the kitchen.

Why is it when I don't need
advice, everyone has some,

but when I do need it,
you're the only one here?

Just say the thing.Fine.

I'm excited to go
to prom with Brea,

but Dave Kim
doesn't want to go.

What do I do?

The kid who wears glasses
in the pool can't get a date
to prom?

How'd you know that?

The only reason
you wouldn't go to prom

is 'cause you
don't have a date.

So, you're saying
if he did have a date,

I wouldn't have to choose?

I don't know.
I stopped listening

after I was done talking.

ADULT ADAM: While my dad
helped me get
Dave Kim to prom,

Geoff was stuck on
how to get Erica back.

JTP.

ALL: JTP!

It's come to my attention

that before
I see Erica again,

I need to get out of my funk

and become the
best version of myself.

Good for you!Amen to that.

I am way behind
this idea, too,

but can we pause to find out
what Barry is wearing?

What?

These are the threads
of the manliest man
on the planet.

He's obsessed
with Crocodile Dundee,

and it's bleeding into
everything he does.

You should
stop questioning it

and embrace
your inner Dundee, too.

That's not a thing.

You still love Erica, right?More than anything.

Well, she'll never
want you back
in this pitiful state.

I wouldn't say "pitiful."

If hot, wet garbage
had a butt, you'd be it.

The silver lining,
this is a chance

to become the new and improved
Geoff of Erica's dreams.

I mean, that is sort of
what I'm going for.

And with that,
the floor is open

to how Geoff can be less

of a sad puddle of despair

that everyone despises.

You could start with
basic personal hygiene.

You could grow a beard.

And proper diet and exercise
are always a good idea.

No, something big.

Something that
would show Erica

that I've sampled life.

[GASPS] How about stalking
and killing a croc

and making a vest out of
its supple belly skin?

Or I've always
wanted to try darts.

You've never played
darts before?

'Cause what if I miss
and I hit a foreign dignitary

and I trigger
an international squabble

that spirals into
World War III?

I'm writing it down.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
Geoff came up with

the most underwhelming
bucket list ever.

So, what are you
gonna try first?

Let's throw
caution to the wind

and try some
medium-spicy salsa.

All right.
Got one loaded up for ya.

I'm not ready.BARRY: Geoff.

You think Crocodile Dundee
was just born with instincts
to outwit a deadly wombat?

A what?

I think it's either
a small bear
or a fat squirrel.

Okay, if I eat the chip,

do you promise
to never bring up
Crocodile Dundee again?

No promises,
Alligator Schwartz.

Eat the Dorito.

[SIGHS]

[CRUNCH]

Not too much heat.

Okay, now some burning,

but I'm gonna
fight through it.

Oh, wow!
My tongue is on fire!

Wait. It's subsiding.

I survived.

The jar says "mild."

You haven't succeeded
in any way.

Sorry, buddy.You were so close.

My cousin's baby
eats that stuff.

Even though it was mild,
I feel like I've started
my journey to self-discovery.

ALL: Mild! Mild!

Mild! Mild!

[GASPS] There she is!

Congratulations to
the happy couple,
together again.

We're not back together.

Oh. Well, in that case...

Mom, that was
a whole cake!

I make six cakes a day,
most of which you never see.

What happened?

Geoff's seeing
some saucy Aussie
named Paula Hogan.

Australia? [SCOFFS]

Those people throw
shrimps on the barbie
with no cheese whatsoever.

That's definitely
the takeaway here.

Worst of all,
I had to hear it
from Barry.

Wait, so you didn't
talk to Geoff?

So?

So, I love your brother with
every fiber of my being,

but he's a barely
functioning human.

Wait, are you
actually admitting

one of your children
might have a flaw?

Please.

He is a perfect angel
without any fault
or weakness.

But 100% yes.
We've gotta find out
the truth.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
swore to find the facts
on Geoff,

I was on a mission
of my own...

Land my best bud a prom date.

Dave Kim.
Mop-top like a Beatle

or the excellent
character actress
Linda Hunt.

He looks great
in a turtleneck.

Like a sea captain.

Wait till he pops
those glasses off.

Sure, he will be legally blind
and fly into a panic

that his doctor calls
"the shadow terrors,"

but hubba-hubba,
am I right?

You are not.

Ew. No.

Yes.Okay.

Well, now that
you've said yes,

what about instead of
Matt Dillon,

you're going with
Dave Kim?

I-I just remembered,
all my grandmas just died.

ADULT ADAM: It was gonna be
harder than I thought.

But then, I remembered
Dave Kim's old flame, Carla.

There she is.

The second-prettiest girl
in the world.

Who's first?
I'll kill her dead.

I meant a-after
my girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend?

Man, the world
has changed
since I got out.

"Got out"?

Of school?

Sure.

The reason I'm here
is to remind you
of your first great love.

Gummy bear-flavored vodka?

Equally intoxicating...

Dave Kim.

I do miss the DK Broiler...

Someone who spoiled me
with minimal human decency.

Then how about
you take him to prom?

She's spoken for,
homeslice.

He wants me
to get back together
with Dave Kim.

Would that
make you angry?Yeah.

Let's dance, Goldnerd.There you go!

Take off your shirt
and fight him.

Today was your
last day upright,
muchacho!

What? Just... Just...
Whoa. Sleep on it!

Sleep on it! Shoot!

ADULT ADAM: I had
officially exhausted
all my options,

which was not gonna be
good news for my best pal.

Dave Kim!

Or should I say,
"Dave Gym"? Hoh-hoh!

Put the guns away,
Josey Wales.

I guess I have been
lightsabering all winter.

But I have great news.

My aunt got us
White Swan VIP passes.

We can cut any line!

What a fun thing
that you think is better

than a warm
human prom date.

Adam, I tried.

You wouldn't believe
how many girls
said no to me.

I might.

I really appreciate this.
It means everything to me.

Maybe a meteor
will hit Jenkintown

and I won't have to make
any decisions tomorrow.

That's how I live
my life.

Carpe who cares.

ADULT ADAM: While I dug
myself into a hole,

Geoff was finally
coming out of his funk

and sampling all the things
he didn't do

when he was with Erica...

Like being an iguana guy.

What is that,
a cricket in your mouth?

What's your appeal?

He took a watercolor class.

I love how much
it looks like the towel
I wipe my brushes on.

He even tried some travel.

All right, map, where to next?

Downtown Philly.

Looks like someone's
venturing beyond
their comfort zone

and seeing
the Italian Market.

Trying all this stuff has
actually been really great.

Yeah. Now you just need
to stop a purse-snatcher
with a soup can,

and your transformation
into an Australian sex icon
will be complete.

Even your odd obsession
with the croc movie

isn't gonna diminish
my pleasure

in the personal growth
I've made.

Shut up! [SNIFFS]

I know that smell.

It's my mom's
signature scent...

Meatballs and Aqua Net.

What are you guys
doing here?

I was just power-walking
your beautiful campus

on a self-guided
architecture tour.

I'm a big fan of
buildings built
in the last six months.

That tracks.

Erica, h-hey.

Hey, Geoff.
You look...tan.

Thanks. New sunscreen
I've been trying out.

I'm going with SPF 30.

Thirty?
You're an 80 man.

I've actually been trying out
a lot of new things lately.

N-New is always better
than old, familiar,
and tons of shared history.

I'm actually not...Available.

To talk.

Because he's on his way
to a drained pool

so he can shred the gnar,
right, Geoff?

Right, yeah. I mean,
gnars must be shredded.

But, you know,
I just want to clear up...

Clear up
his horrible bacne.

[SCOFFS] Ugh,
it's not okay.

That's another thing
he's doing as a new,
improved man.

Now, skate away
triumphantly, Geoff.
Go!

Check out the administration
building. It's nice.

Wow, he's really doing it.

This doesn't prove
he's dating someone, too.

But this does.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Paula Hogan.

She's real.

Whoa, what a natural beauty.

I mean, gross. Ew!

Who... Who would
want dimples
and a joyful spirit?

What do I do?

Don't jump to conclusions
just from one photo.

This isn't over.

It feels like it is.

[BLEEP] Australia.

ADULT ADAM: Prom was
only a day away,

and I had to choose
between my best friend
and my girlfriend.

Goldberg, no sleeping
in my classroom!

It's an insult to me
and whatever subject I teach.

I'm in the middle of
a crippling meltdown
over here.

Boo-hoo. Talk to me
when you're workin'
three jobs

to afford medicated food
for a dog that hates you.

What's got you
so worked up?

It's prom.Tell me about it.

My boyfriend can't come
because his frat's
being investigated.

You don't have
a prom date?

Yeah. I'd pretty much go
with anyone at this point.

I know someone
that qualifies as anyone.

How about Dave Kim?

That grabby kid
in the wheelchair?

Very different person,
but if you're cool
with Wayne,

you're gonna have
no problem with my guy.

On the following
condition...

You have to do
all of my homework

for the rest of
the semester.

Completely unreasonable.

But it solves my problem
and I'm uncomfortable
with conflict.

Deal.

And that includes
the labs for this class.

Sydney,
where do you think
you're going?

My new lab partner's
got this.

Goldberg, are you
debasing yourself

to curry favor
with a cheerleader?

Full respect.

♪♪♪♪

Guys, guess what happened?

Puberty? Say goodbye
to clear skin

and hello to weird feelings
about your mom's friend Janet.

I just got asked to prom
by Sydney!

Sydney the cheerleader
asked you, with that haircut?

Explain yourself.

She just walked up
and did it.

I kind of blacked out
after that, but it's real.

But what about
White Swan Park?

Screw White Swan.

I'm going to prom with
the hottest girl in school.

No offense, Brea.

Women aren't
some commodity
for you to rank.

Fine, you're co-number ones.

Dave Kim,
I'm impressed.

Yeah, your face
suddenly looks
less punchable.

Oh, man. I gotta get
my magician's tux
from the trunk in the attic.

The Amazing Dave
is amazing again.

ADULT ADAM: While Dave Kim
was declaring victory,

Erica was admitting defeat.

What the hell
are you doing?

Just going back to L.A.
to be with Lainey

and start my Geoff-less life
without Geoff.

You can't give up.

Our whole relationship
was me forcing
my will on him.

If he's happy
with this new life,

then I'm not gonna
be the one to ruin it.

So if someone else
were to ruin it...

Stop. No meddling.

Okay, well, I am not
gonna just sit back
and watch you leave.

That's not your choice,

and there's nothing
you can do to stop me.

Really?

What the hell?

[SCREAMS]

Holy crap!

That was mostly leather!

There's nothin'
more powerful

than a mama bear
when she's cornered.

I'm not gonna deny
that wasn't impressive,

but still, you need to
leave me and Geoff alone.

You have my word.

I will leave
you and Geoff alone.

Paula Hogan?

[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
How can I help you?

You can start by keeping
your bloomin' yapper shut,
you homewrecker.

Or whatever it is
you call home down undah.

It's "home."

We speak English.

And what's happening?

I'm talking about
you floozing around

with that sweet,
innocent boy.

"Floozing around"?Save it.

I can barely understand
a word you're saying anyway.

What you did
to my schmoopie
is unforgivable,

but you're gonna fix it.

Well, that sounds
vaguely like a threat.

[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
Nothin' vague about it.

Well, I-I'm gonna
close my door now
and lock it.

So, g'day.

[CHUCKLES]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] It is now.

ADULT ADAM: My mom
thought she had driven
Paula Hogan away.

Meanwhile, Brea and I were
still waiting for our ride.

Ah, there.
Our chariot arrives.

What's up, fools?
It's prom!

Dave Kim? I didn't know
you were gonna be
in our limo.

Funny story...
Corbett, JC,
and their gal pals

swung by to pick
Sydney and I up,

and now there's no room.

I hired the limo.

Thanks for that!
See you guys there!

Step on it, Tim!

My lady likes
the wind in her hair.

['80S DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

I can't believe your mom
had to drive us to prom.

I can't believe
you tried to tip her.

I'm sorry, okay?
I just can't believe
Dave Kim.

I got him that date
with Sydney.

Wait, you got him
that date?

Yeah, so we could
be together.

This is our last
prom ever.

That's what I thought,
but here I am.

Johnny Atkins?
Who are you here with?

This backpack that I'm filling
with soda and cookies.

Tell anyone,
and I'll punch you.

Even though it's a crime now
because of our age difference.

ADULT ADAM: So,
it was a rocky start.

Good news was,
prom could only
get better from here.

Or so I thought.

Look who finally made it...
Mr. No Limo.

That's really clever,
and at my expense,
for some reason.

Drama.

I guess someone's upset
we're wearing
the same thing.

It's a tuxedo, Dave Kim.

We're all wearing
the same thing.

Woof. Someone's
obsessed with me.

[LAUGHTER]

You're lucky to
even be here tonight,
Dave Kim.

Yikes. You're clearly
jealous 'cause you're not
King Nerd anymore.

"King Nerd"?

Another
socially challenged gent
landed a smokeshow,

and you can't handle
the new power dynamic.

You didn't land Sydney.

I paid her
to ask you to prom!

[MUSIC STOPS]

Whoa. That's as cold as
these berry parfaits.

Hey! Food backpack?

Nice.

Sydney, is this true?

Yeah, but if it helps,
my boyfriend will find this
hilarious.

I see.

Well, I guess
it all worked out
for you, Adam.

You got your
memorable prom
after all.

Ready for pictures?

You need to fix this.

What about
our magical prom?

It's just one night, Adam.

Dave Kim has been
your friend forever.

Are you saying
to go to him?

No, just find him
and talk to him.

Why does everything have to be
a big production with you?

Just go.

ADULT ADAM: As I was off
to find Dave Kim,

Geoff had found himself.

I'm proud of you,
big guy.

Feel like
a changed man?GEOFF: I do.

For the first time
in a long time,

I-I know what I want
out of life... Erica.

This calls for a hug.Yep.

[LAUGHTER]

That's not a hug.

This is a hug.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Could it be?

Is that fate

magically bringing
Erica to your doorstep
to reconcile?

♪♪♪♪

Geoff Schwartz?Yes?

Some crazy blonde lady
thought we were together

and wanted me to back off
'cause it would ruin the life

of something called
a "schmoopie."

Looks like we got a mystery
on our hands, fellas.

No, we don't.It's clearly your mom.

Stop extending the hijinks.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm Paula Hogan.

Paula Hogan?

What the hell, Barry?

I thought
Paula Hogan was fake!

No, silly. She's in
my organic chem class.

Hi, Paula. Did you
do the homework yet?

I thought you got her name
from the crocodile movie!

Ohh.

Because Paul Hogan!

The human mind
is an enigma.

Okay, w-what else did
the angry blonde lady say?

That some girl was trying to
get back together with you.

Whoopsie.Oh, my God.

I-I have to find Erica.

I'll drive us,
but not before Paula says,

"Throw another shrimp
on the barbie."

How about "[BLEEP] off"?

Let's go.

ADULT ADAM: Prom night
had taken an ugly turn.

Fortunately,
my dad was always there.

Not always there for me,
just always there.

What are you doing home?

Hey.Remember when you told me

to get Dave Kim
a date to prom?

Not even in the slightest.

I did.

But then he acted
like a cocky jerk,

so I embarrassed him.

But it was really bad.

Here's the thing
about prom.

I know, it's just some
dumb dance you're
never gonna remember.

It's one of
the biggest nights
of your life.

It's the last night
celebrating
with all your friends

before you go
in different directions.

What the hell?

The only time I've seen you
this sentimental

is when you sadly finished
the Pepperidge Farm
Christmas basket.

Food. I love it.

Well, here's something
you didn't know...

I didn't have a date
for prom.

So, you didn't go?

Worse... I went with
my cousin Joyce.

Picture me in a dress.
There you have it.

I...never knew that.

It's not something
you brag about, moron.

As big as this night is
for you and Brea,

it's just as big
for Dave Kim.

You got
all the names right.

I know some stuff.

Thanks, Dad.

ADULT ADAM: Yeah, deep down,
my dad always had a few gems,

and it was
up to me to be there
for my best bud.

I've been
looking for you
everywhere.

I'm so sorry I ruined
your night.

I didn't have a date anyway,

so the only thing you ruined
was the illusion that anyone
wanted to be with me.

That's not true.

I want to be with you.

I just wish some girl
would look at me
the same way you do.

You know what I mean.

I do, because I was just like
you before I met Brea.

It'll happen
for you, too.

You really think so?

I know so.

You're the best.

Would you go
to prom with me,
Dave Kim?

If prom is about
making memories,

this is a good one.
Let's do it.

ADULT ADAM: You never
quite know

which moments
you'll look back on fondly,

but then again... [CAR HORN HONKS]

...some moments are made
to be remembered.

[DAVID BOWIE'S
MODERN LOVEPLAYING]

Erica! Open the window!

Hey, Geoff's out
on the lawn.

What are you doing?

Just cutting his face
out of every memory.

She doesn't want to
come to the window.

Okay, then, would you
tell her I'm not dating
Paula Hogan?

[GASPS] He says he's not
dating Paula Hogan.

He's not?
Why not?

Why not?I'll field this one.

I made it up!

Barry says he made it up.

Really?Really?

Yes!Yes!

Hey, this is just like
in Crocodile Dundee

when Mick professes his love
across a busy subway platform.

But you're doing it
through my mom.

This is just like when
a crocodile in dungarees

eats Mick Jagger in
a Subway sandwich shop.

What?This is way harder
than it looks.

Tell her there's nobody
from Australia

or anyone else in the world
that I'd rather be with!

Tell her I love her!

[GASPS] He says he...

I heard him!
Get out of my way!

You love me?

More than anything.

I did what you wanted.

I sampled life to find out
what makes me happy,

and I discovered
there's only one thing...

You.

Stay there.

I'm not going anywhere.

♪♪ I don't believe
in modern love

♪♪ Modern love

♪♪ Modern love...

Mama did it again.

ADULT ADAM: That's the thing
about finding the people
you're supposed to be with.

There might be
highs and lows,
ups and downs,

but if you hang in there,

it turns out to be
more than worth it.

♪♪ Modern love

♪♪ Modern love ♪♪

♪♪♪♪

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

MAN: The biggest limousine
I've ever seen.

[BELL DINGS]

What goodies
did you score?

Oh, I got cupcakes,

unpeeled bananas...
That's key...

Twizzlers for days,

and this lovely cornucopia

that will brighten
my studio apartment.

I got a lifetime of streamers
and this photo backdrop.

It's clouds. [LAUGHS]

I thought the theme was
medieval masquerade.

Nah. Enchanted forest.

So many magical greens
and browns.

So these are
twinkly fairy lights.

See you at
the spring fling.

Not if I see you first.