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1
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,492
D'oh!
2
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Hmm?
3
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Mmm.
4
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_
5
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- _
- Welcome. Good to see you.
6
00:00:44,186 --> 00:00:46,036
If you're here to use the bathroom,
7
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:48,371
try the Burger King next door.
8
00:00:48,524 --> 00:00:50,465
Actually, we'd like to buy something.
9
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Wunderbar. I offer many things.
10
00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:54,528
Astounding tricks,
11
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confounding illusions.
12
00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:59,032
I also fix iPhones.
13
00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:01,292
You've heard of Steve Jobs?
14
00:01:01,386 --> 00:01:04,037
This is my kid, "No Jobs."
15
00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:06,130
- Dad!
- He's been angry
16
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:08,224
since I made his mother disappear
17
00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:11,486
with my cold attitude
and the philandering.
18
00:01:11,713 --> 00:01:12,879
Achtung, Gramps.
19
00:01:12,972 --> 00:01:15,306
I want to buy a magic set
for my sister's birthday
20
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,217
'cause that's the kind of
lame-o thing she'd like.
21
00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:19,143
Magic is not "lame-o."
22
00:01:19,237 --> 00:01:22,647
Let me show you a trick
that made Angela Merkel say,
23
00:01:22,741 --> 00:01:25,500
"You are the worst Uber driver ever."
24
00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:28,503
This underwear was once worn
25
00:01:28,730 --> 00:01:31,506
by Babar, King of the Elephants.
26
00:01:31,733 --> 00:01:33,917
Elephant underwear is
tighty-whities on Homer.
27
00:01:34,069 --> 00:01:35,509
Why, you little...!
28
00:01:38,073 --> 00:01:39,923
What the...? The more I pull,
29
00:01:40,075 --> 00:01:41,257
the tighter it gets.
30
00:01:41,410 --> 00:01:43,910
The only solution? Pull more.
31
00:01:49,267 --> 00:01:51,026
Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah-nyeah-nyeah!
32
00:01:51,253 --> 00:01:52,861
Will you two ever stop?
33
00:01:53,012 --> 00:01:54,029
Ever?
34
00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:56,365
Ah! Is it the future you seek?
35
00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:58,775
Well, then,
move through this beaded curtain
36
00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:03,597
and past the Keurig coffee maker
I bought but never use.
37
00:02:08,103 --> 00:02:11,271
Let us see what the
tarot cards have to say.
38
00:02:11,406 --> 00:02:13,364
Eh. Tarot cards don't work.
39
00:02:14,046 --> 00:02:16,718
Don't they, Madam President?
40
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,221
_
41
00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:22,449
Now let us see what
happens to Homer and Bart.
42
00:02:22,467 --> 00:02:24,226
How does he know our names?
43
00:02:24,453 --> 00:02:26,803
They are on your Starbucks coffee cups.
44
00:02:26,955 --> 00:02:29,231
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
45
00:02:30,383 --> 00:02:31,883
- _
- Good news, Homer.
46
00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:32,904
In the future,
47
00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:34,961
- you stop drinking.
- Oh...
48
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:37,889
- _
- And the boy becomes a fine person.
49
00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:39,074
What? No!
50
00:02:39,301 --> 00:02:41,058
Reversum predictum!
51
00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:43,227
It's licorice. Have some.
52
00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:44,413
Mmm...
53
00:02:44,564 --> 00:02:47,231
Now I turn more cards and...
54
00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:49,918
Oh, dear. This is rough. Very bad.
55
00:02:50,069 --> 00:02:51,311
What? What?
56
00:02:51,404 --> 00:02:52,921
There will be years of trouble
57
00:02:53,148 --> 00:02:55,340
between Marge and Lisa.
58
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:56,341
_
59
00:02:57,206 --> 00:02:58,619
_
60
00:02:59,896 --> 00:03:01,306
_
61
00:03:01,432 --> 00:03:03,098
The trouble begins when you decide
62
00:03:03,325 --> 00:03:05,659
where you will go to college.
63
00:03:05,677 --> 00:03:07,936
What? Why are you saying that?
What's wrong?
64
00:03:08,087 --> 00:03:10,163
Do I get wait-listed? Gap year?
65
00:03:11,031 --> 00:03:12,165
Cornell?!
66
00:03:12,184 --> 00:03:13,942
Let's just say things have changed
67
00:03:14,169 --> 00:03:15,852
when you are 17.
68
00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,363
Rise and shine!
69
00:03:27,516 --> 00:03:29,941
Ugh, Mom, please.
70
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,626
I was asleep.
71
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:33,369
Today's the day you're gonna find out
72
00:03:33,522 --> 00:03:35,464
what colleges you get into.
73
00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:37,949
Who cares? They all lost their glitter
74
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:39,693
when Netflix bought Yale.
75
00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:41,470
Well, you will be the first Simpson
76
00:03:41,579 --> 00:03:44,973
to ever finish college
now that Bart's given up.
77
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,033
Why should I go to college?
78
00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:48,551
I've become a master
79
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:51,128
of Fruit Ninja.
80
00:03:55,828 --> 00:03:57,043
Salad complete.
81
00:03:57,136 --> 00:03:58,561
Booyah.
82
00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:03,641
There she is.
83
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:07,661
Our family's last and
only remaining hope.
84
00:04:07,696 --> 00:04:09,705
Putting on a little pressure
there, Grampa?
85
00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:11,816
It's just that you're the
only worthwhile Simpson
86
00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:13,059
since... ever.
87
00:04:13,152 --> 00:04:14,728
I'm counting on you to find the cure
88
00:04:14,746 --> 00:04:16,552
for everything that's gonna kill me.
89
00:04:16,587 --> 00:04:17,672
No pressure.
90
00:04:18,413 --> 00:04:20,900
Wait a minute. This is on the wrong eye.
91
00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:23,261
Ooh, much better.
92
00:04:24,481 --> 00:04:25,681
_
93
00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:29,184
Lisa, I have a question.
94
00:04:29,411 --> 00:04:32,746
Please, don't mention
the word "college."
95
00:04:32,764 --> 00:04:34,664
College? No way.
96
00:04:34,758 --> 00:04:36,983
This is a surprise promposal.
97
00:04:37,076 --> 00:04:39,427
Guess who I hired to
ask you on my behalf.
98
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:40,820
My dad.
99
00:04:40,913 --> 00:04:44,415
Imitating Seth MacFarlane
imitating Frank Sinatra.
100
00:04:44,509 --> 00:04:46,826
? Take him to the prom ?
101
00:04:46,844 --> 00:04:51,255
? And let him dance forevermore ?
102
00:04:51,274 --> 00:04:53,924
? If you turn him down ?
103
00:04:53,944 --> 00:04:57,612
? He will curl up on the floor ?
104
00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:59,596
? In other words ?
105
00:04:59,616 --> 00:05:02,191
? We're desperate ?
106
00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:03,676
We really are.
107
00:05:03,769 --> 00:05:06,846
? A pity "yes" will do. ?
108
00:05:06,939 --> 00:05:10,774
And you'll have to drive
'cause he can't. Ha!
109
00:05:10,794 --> 00:05:12,276
I can see you're tempted, Lis.
110
00:05:12,370 --> 00:05:14,796
There's nothing cooler
than a guy who's graduated
111
00:05:14,947 --> 00:05:17,330
coming back for a younger kid's prom.
112
00:05:19,043 --> 00:05:23,120
Get out of here before
I accidentally say "okay."
113
00:05:23,214 --> 00:05:24,621
Did I hear an "okay"?
114
00:05:29,965 --> 00:05:32,054
Aw, hey, kid. What's the matter?
115
00:05:32,107 --> 00:05:34,874
Your whole life,
for reasons I'll never understand,
116
00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:36,985
you've been looking forward to college.
117
00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:38,211
Today, you get in.
118
00:05:38,229 --> 00:05:40,229
Things have changed since I was a kid.
119
00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:43,716
College costs a fortune,
and does it really do any good?
120
00:05:43,809 --> 00:05:46,552
All you get is a piece of
paper with your name on it.
121
00:05:46,645 --> 00:05:47,887
And it's written in Latin,
122
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:50,072
so the only people who
can actually read it
123
00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:52,391
are dead Romans and Catholic priests.
124
00:05:52,443 --> 00:05:56,078
And last I checked,
none of them are handing out jobs.
125
00:05:56,172 --> 00:06:00,416
Then why did you study so
hard and miss all the fun?
126
00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:04,762
? Old days ?
127
00:06:05,186 --> 00:06:08,917
? Good times I remember ?
128
00:06:09,010 --> 00:06:11,978
? Fun days ?
129
00:06:12,930 --> 00:06:16,024
? Filled with simple pleasure. ?
130
00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:18,584
I don't know now.
I think of all those years
131
00:06:18,677 --> 00:06:20,269
where instead of being behind a book,
132
00:06:20,363 --> 00:06:22,088
I could've played kickball.
133
00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:24,198
So many jump ropes un-jumped.
134
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,534
Do you ever feel regret, Bart?
135
00:06:26,685 --> 00:06:28,852
I regret starting this conversation.
136
00:06:28,946 --> 00:06:31,931
Every one. I got into every one.
137
00:06:31,949 --> 00:06:34,433
Why does this moment feel so empty?
138
00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:39,530
Come one, come all. Don't miss it.
139
00:06:39,624 --> 00:06:40,956
Lisa, I told everyone
140
00:06:41,051 --> 00:06:42,792
you're going to make your pick today.
141
00:06:42,886 --> 00:06:45,386
This is the greatest moment of my life.
142
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:47,722
Drumroll!
143
00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:52,543
? A Simpson got into college ?
144
00:06:52,637 --> 00:06:54,620
? A Simpson got into college ?
145
00:06:54,713 --> 00:06:57,732
? A Simpson got into college ?
146
00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:00,860
? And I just never applied. ?
147
00:07:02,072 --> 00:07:04,906
Everyone, shh! It's the moment of truth.
148
00:07:06,484 --> 00:07:09,318
Congratulations, Lisa.
Which one are you gonna choose?
149
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:11,871
Bob Jones. Bob Jones. Bob Jones.
150
00:07:13,658 --> 00:07:15,474
I, uh...
151
00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:17,960
I'm not going to college.
152
00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:20,907
What?! Quit joking.
153
00:07:20,942 --> 00:07:23,091
Marge, nobody knows comedy like I don't.
154
00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:24,817
She's not joking.
155
00:07:24,836 --> 00:07:27,261
Lisa, you can't do this.
We're counting on you.
156
00:07:27,413 --> 00:07:29,655
Well, you know, Marge,
I didn't go to college,
157
00:07:29,674 --> 00:07:32,283
and I'm wealthy in the
most important way:
158
00:07:32,343 --> 00:07:33,917
lack of student loans.
159
00:07:33,937 --> 00:07:35,995
Do not encourage her.
160
00:07:36,088 --> 00:07:38,164
Marge, her not going to college
161
00:07:38,182 --> 00:07:41,442
is the most money I'll ever earn.
162
00:07:41,594 --> 00:07:43,502
Lisa, please. I'm giving you
163
00:07:43,563 --> 00:07:46,355
one last chance to salvage this day.
164
00:07:46,507 --> 00:07:47,782
I've lived for this moment.
165
00:07:47,933 --> 00:07:49,617
And all I've ever asked from you
166
00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:52,178
is that everything that
never happened to me
167
00:07:52,271 --> 00:07:53,287
happens to you.
168
00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:55,772
And that justifies my existence on Earth
169
00:07:55,941 --> 00:07:58,942
for the hours I spent holding you,
cleaning you,
170
00:07:58,962 --> 00:08:01,370
cooking your supper, drying your tears,
171
00:08:01,464 --> 00:08:02,705
catching your colds
172
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:05,708
and burying every personal need I had
173
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,802
just so I could have the brief joy
174
00:08:07,953 --> 00:08:09,637
of setting up your dorm room
175
00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:12,572
with the roommate from the fancy family
176
00:08:12,607 --> 00:08:16,480
who you'll spend the holidays
with on their ranch in Colorado
177
00:08:16,515 --> 00:08:19,262
instead of coming home to me.
178
00:08:19,297 --> 00:08:21,056
Once and for all,
179
00:08:21,151 --> 00:08:23,888
which college are you going to?
180
00:08:23,923 --> 00:08:25,069
None.
181
00:08:36,482 --> 00:08:38,574
I just wanted to say one thing.
182
00:08:38,817 --> 00:08:40,817
- What's that?
- Ingrate!
183
00:08:40,837 --> 00:08:42,670
I'm sorry, but could you have decided
184
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:45,398
you didn't want to go to
college before ten years
185
00:08:45,416 --> 00:08:48,751
of me driving you to saxophone lessons,
SAT prep,
186
00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:53,139
college tours of colleges
you were never gonna go to?!
187
00:08:58,651 --> 00:09:00,930
Could it be
that I'm finally the favorite parent?
188
00:09:01,024 --> 00:09:03,149
Maggie, whose side are you on?
189
00:09:06,011 --> 00:09:08,029
I don't like how digital she's getting.
190
00:09:09,014 --> 00:09:11,365
Aw, you know just what to say.
191
00:09:12,685 --> 00:09:13,850
Honey,
192
00:09:13,870 --> 00:09:15,185
I baked you brownies to eat
193
00:09:15,205 --> 00:09:18,280
while you reconsider
stuff you've done or said.
194
00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:19,949
Wait a minute. Do you actually think
195
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:23,211
your brownies will
affect my life decisions?
196
00:09:23,362 --> 00:09:24,787
They have walnuts in them.
197
00:09:24,881 --> 00:09:27,289
Mom, I never really liked your brownies,
198
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,608
and I'm not going to college.
199
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:31,794
Really? Who are you?
200
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:33,612
All my life, I did what I thought
201
00:09:33,631 --> 00:09:35,130
other people wanted me to do.
202
00:09:35,225 --> 00:09:37,497
Now I'm doing what I want.
203
00:09:37,532 --> 00:09:40,135
Oh. Someday, you're gonna have
a daughter of your own,
204
00:09:40,230 --> 00:09:41,804
and you'll see how I feel.
205
00:09:41,898 --> 00:09:43,714
Who says I'm gonna have kids?
206
00:09:43,808 --> 00:09:45,124
No college? No kids?
207
00:09:45,142 --> 00:09:47,718
How dare you lead
the life I wish I'd led.
208
00:09:47,812 --> 00:09:50,463
I'm burned out. I'm so burned out.
209
00:09:50,481 --> 00:09:53,074
I just need some time to think.
210
00:09:53,225 --> 00:09:54,558
Okay. Just promise me
211
00:09:54,577 --> 00:09:56,802
that before you make
any final decisions,
212
00:09:56,821 --> 00:10:00,306
- you'll talk to...
- I know, I know. My father.
213
00:10:00,324 --> 00:10:01,565
I'm talking about the man
214
00:10:01,584 --> 00:10:03,492
who's been there for every birthday.
215
00:10:03,586 --> 00:10:07,663
The one man who took pride
in your every achievement.
216
00:10:07,757 --> 00:10:09,164
I'd love to talk with you,
Lisa, but first,
217
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,759
boys, it's 6:00 p.m. Time for bed.
218
00:10:11,910 --> 00:10:13,594
Yay!
219
00:10:14,597 --> 00:10:16,931
College was my dream. Then I thought,
220
00:10:17,082 --> 00:10:20,326
"Is it really my dream
or just everyone else's?"
221
00:10:20,344 --> 00:10:22,085
Lisa, use the gifts God gave you
222
00:10:22,179 --> 00:10:23,938
for whatever path He puts you on.
223
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:25,589
Get a job. Learn the pride
224
00:10:25,683 --> 00:10:27,625
that comes with getting
your own paycheck.
225
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,686
Of course. The dignity of work.
226
00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:32,596
Thank you, Mr. Flanders.
227
00:10:32,615 --> 00:10:35,098
Daddy, can you come upstairs?
228
00:10:35,118 --> 00:10:36,525
We're scared.
229
00:10:36,677 --> 00:10:38,786
Daddy, bring the monster spray!
230
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:42,081
I may have over-coddled
them just a little bit.
231
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:45,459
Now, I'm afraid the next kilometer
232
00:10:45,611 --> 00:10:48,537
on Lisa's autobahn of life would not be,
233
00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:51,132
as you say, easy peasy.
234
00:10:53,303 --> 00:10:55,028
_
235
00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:56,637
Ooh, could I double down on those?
236
00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:58,472
This is not blackjack.
237
00:10:58,624 --> 00:11:00,457
I said hit me.
238
00:11:00,476 --> 00:11:01,717
Not blackjack.
239
00:11:01,811 --> 00:11:03,202
Come on, pal, hit me.
240
00:11:03,220 --> 00:11:05,462
Fine. You're busted.
241
00:11:05,481 --> 00:11:08,298
D'oh! Should've held
on the hard Knave of Cups.
242
00:11:08,318 --> 00:11:10,209
I have no regrets.
243
00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:11,968
I have no regrets.
244
00:11:12,739 --> 00:11:14,396
I have no regrets.
245
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:20,494
Simpson, the corn
isn't sticking to the dogs.
246
00:11:20,721 --> 00:11:22,979
Why did I waste 30 minutes training you?
247
00:11:22,999 --> 00:11:25,482
Now the pulp is settling
in the lemonade!
248
00:11:25,576 --> 00:11:27,001
Pump! Pump!
249
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,669
Pump...!
250
00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:30,563
Why am I working here?
251
00:11:30,581 --> 00:11:31,839
Even I can't answer that,
252
00:11:31,990 --> 00:11:34,416
and I was a philosophy major at Brown.
253
00:11:34,510 --> 00:11:38,161
Brown! Brown...!
254
00:11:38,255 --> 00:11:39,755
God, that job sucks.
255
00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:41,740
Here's a little secret, honey.
256
00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:42,835
All jobs suck.
257
00:11:42,927 --> 00:11:44,760
That's why you get paid to do them.
258
00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:46,261
So you had your gap week.
259
00:11:46,356 --> 00:11:48,581
Now you're finally
going to college, right?
260
00:11:48,599 --> 00:11:50,173
No. Not ever.
261
00:11:50,267 --> 00:11:52,751
Okay, I can't change this,
and I can't accept this.
262
00:11:52,845 --> 00:11:56,280
What do I do?
Go downstairs and yell into the dryer.
263
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,684
Why is she doing this?!
264
00:12:00,778 --> 00:12:02,203
Why won't she go to college?!
265
00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,354
We've been planning this her whole life!
266
00:12:04,448 --> 00:12:05,689
Why?!
267
00:12:05,750 --> 00:12:07,816
I'll have that picture and that picture
268
00:12:07,877 --> 00:12:10,544
and a diet that picture,
if'n you please.
269
00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:12,195
Can't you read the names?
270
00:12:12,215 --> 00:12:13,288
No, ma'am.
271
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:14,957
You seem to read just fine,
272
00:12:15,051 --> 00:12:17,033
and you're stuck in this dump.
273
00:12:17,128 --> 00:12:18,235
Not anymore.
274
00:12:18,295 --> 00:12:19,870
I know what I'm gonna do.
275
00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:23,132
I hope it starts with pressin'
the button what brings my food.
276
00:12:23,226 --> 00:12:25,226
Nope. I'm not gonna learn.
277
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:26,494
I'm gonna teach!
278
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:28,470
I'm gonna start an after-school program,
279
00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:31,214
individualized and
accessible to children
280
00:12:31,308 --> 00:12:33,222
who fall through the cracks.
281
00:12:33,257 --> 00:12:34,793
What are you going to do for money?
282
00:12:34,887 --> 00:12:36,462
Workman's comp.
283
00:12:36,497 --> 00:12:38,614
I'd like to see you try.
284
00:12:40,109 --> 00:12:41,242
On my way!
285
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:43,032
Whoo-hoo!
286
00:12:43,654 --> 00:12:45,913
Welcome to the Boundless
Horizons School,
287
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:47,823
where I'm gonna change your lives
288
00:12:47,917 --> 00:12:49,992
and you're gonna write
letters to me forever
289
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:53,921
and you'll say I was your
most influential person.
290
00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:56,982
Just exactly how are you gonna teach us?
291
00:12:57,001 --> 00:12:59,652
Well, I'm gonna use
every trick there is.
292
00:12:59,670 --> 00:13:01,411
I'll put the desks in a circle.
293
00:13:01,431 --> 00:13:02,838
I'll take the toughest one of you
294
00:13:02,932 --> 00:13:05,824
and put him or her in charge
of making everyone behave.
295
00:13:05,843 --> 00:13:09,828
And I'll teach Shakespeare
using dances from TikTok.
296
00:13:09,847 --> 00:13:11,439
? Out, out, damned spot ?
297
00:13:11,590 --> 00:13:14,333
? This is the way that
Shakespeare should be taught. ?
298
00:13:16,929 --> 00:13:19,672
Her incredible lameness has me riveted.
299
00:13:19,765 --> 00:13:22,508
Finally, someone who gets me
as a stereotype.
300
00:13:22,601 --> 00:13:24,452
Wait one minute, young lady.
301
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,603
You cannot just open your own school
302
00:13:26,697 --> 00:13:29,123
and start to better random lives.
303
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:30,351
Um...
304
00:13:30,367 --> 00:13:31,608
You have to sign this form
305
00:13:31,702 --> 00:13:34,536
and pay a $25 city business tax.
306
00:13:35,590 --> 00:13:37,631
Okay. Just give me the change, please.
307
00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:39,300
Uh, this is embarrassing.
308
00:13:39,451 --> 00:13:41,451
Um, I'm not great at math.
309
00:13:41,471 --> 00:13:43,137
Leave that to me.
310
00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:52,639
_
311
00:13:58,595 --> 00:13:59,695
_
312
00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:01,396
Lisa Simpson's after-school program
313
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,232
has been a tremendous success.
314
00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:05,050
Unlike the news business.
315
00:14:05,069 --> 00:14:09,148
Lisa now has over 100 franchises
here in the Illiteracy Belt.
316
00:14:09,183 --> 00:14:12,267
And now, given her high profile
and 80% approval rating,
317
00:14:12,302 --> 00:14:14,503
Lisa's running for state
school superintendent
318
00:14:14,538 --> 00:14:16,411
against incumbent Gary Chalmers.
319
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,730
Under my opponent,
320
00:14:18,823 --> 00:14:20,490
test scores have fallen.
321
00:14:20,584 --> 00:14:23,493
Graduation rates have fallen.
322
00:14:23,587 --> 00:14:27,514
I am not going to stand here and
listen to some nasty woman...
323
00:14:29,852 --> 00:14:31,685
I-I'm just trying to make a point,
all right?
324
00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:34,855
I'm not gonna let some stupid,
nasty, homely woman...
325
00:14:37,026 --> 00:14:38,674
Simpson!
326
00:14:38,694 --> 00:14:39,751
I concede.
327
00:14:39,844 --> 00:14:41,436
Uh, congratulations.
328
00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,773
Beloved superintendent of schools,
Lisa Simpson,
329
00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,366
is now running for governor!
330
00:14:46,593 --> 00:14:48,184
Soon she'll move beyond the scope
331
00:14:48,203 --> 00:14:50,537
of a career-stuck local
anchorman like me.
332
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:52,264
This is Kent Brockman signing off.
333
00:14:52,357 --> 00:14:54,190
Lisa Simpson, governor of...
334
00:14:54,242 --> 00:14:55,283
is running for president.
335
00:14:55,377 --> 00:14:57,269
Not even her highly damaged relationship
336
00:14:57,362 --> 00:14:58,953
with her mother can stop her now.
337
00:14:59,048 --> 00:15:00,380
Nate Silver analyzes.
338
00:15:00,532 --> 00:15:02,049
Well, George, Lisa is doing great
339
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:03,383
with disenchanted daughters.
340
00:15:03,535 --> 00:15:05,385
Also tiger moms, checked-out dads
341
00:15:05,537 --> 00:15:07,445
and grandparents who like everything,
342
00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:08,889
plus middle children, nerds of all ages
343
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:10,782
and saxophonists above second chair.
344
00:15:12,377 --> 00:15:14,377
Now, it's a week
before the election but...
345
00:15:14,471 --> 00:15:16,229
what the hell...
I'm calling it for Lisa.
346
00:15:16,381 --> 00:15:17,806
My work here is done.
347
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:19,191
Good luck, America.
348
00:15:19,192 --> 00:15:20,192
_
349
00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:23,886
It's 5:38 somewhere.
350
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:27,240
This just in.
Lisa Simpson has been elected
351
00:15:27,467 --> 00:15:29,634
the eighth president who
did not go to college,
352
00:15:29,653 --> 00:15:32,137
joining George Washington,
Abraham Lincoln
353
00:15:32,155 --> 00:15:33,488
and Harry S. Truman.
354
00:15:33,582 --> 00:15:36,065
Think about that when you're
paying your student loans.
355
00:15:36,085 --> 00:15:37,567
Stephanopoulos out.
356
00:15:37,586 --> 00:15:40,478
My daughter really becomes president?
357
00:15:40,497 --> 00:15:43,906
Yes. But you have to
learn it on the streets.
358
00:15:46,261 --> 00:15:48,820
Great news about your daughter, Marge.
359
00:15:48,913 --> 00:15:50,839
She's finally going to college?
360
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:52,340
No. She's president.
361
00:15:52,434 --> 00:15:54,101
You knew that, didn't you?
362
00:15:54,252 --> 00:15:57,229
Oh, crap. I really am out of the loop.
363
00:15:59,666 --> 00:16:02,167
Look, the heart of the story
is Lisa and me.
364
00:16:02,277 --> 00:16:03,944
Do we finally get along?
365
00:16:04,279 --> 00:16:05,445
Also, in the future,
366
00:16:05,672 --> 00:16:07,614
how many more Ghostbusters do they make?
367
00:16:07,841 --> 00:16:11,192
Four. The gay Ghostbusters is fantastic.
368
00:16:11,286 --> 00:16:13,954
Can't we dwell on the
fact that I was president?
369
00:16:14,105 --> 00:16:16,514
So concerned about your futures
370
00:16:16,608 --> 00:16:18,458
but no one cares about mine.
371
00:16:18,685 --> 00:16:20,018
I won't get into details,
372
00:16:20,111 --> 00:16:23,855
but my body winds up in the
dumpster behind the store.
373
00:16:23,874 --> 00:16:25,948
Do any of you give a damn?
374
00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:28,862
Very well.
375
00:16:28,953 --> 00:16:31,287
Now we have come to the final two cards.
376
00:16:31,306 --> 00:16:33,365
The future will be revealed.
377
00:16:33,458 --> 00:16:36,551
But first, I want to plug
my gig this Saturday
378
00:16:36,645 --> 00:16:39,479
at the Comedy & Magic Club.
379
00:16:40,891 --> 00:16:43,984
I conjure the spirit
of Rodney Dangerfield.
380
00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:46,227
Ich bekomme keinen Respekt.
381
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,896
I'm telling you.
382
00:16:47,990 --> 00:16:49,898
- _
- Ah. Here we are.
383
00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:51,566
- _
- It's Inauguration Day,
384
00:16:51,718 --> 00:16:55,662
and Marge and Lisa are barely speaking.
385
00:16:57,724 --> 00:17:00,483
And I promise you that,
as your president,
386
00:17:00,577 --> 00:17:02,818
I will obsess over your welfare,
387
00:17:02,913 --> 00:17:05,246
because I don't have a life!
388
00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:07,065
You're all I've got!
389
00:17:07,083 --> 00:17:09,751
And I will serve you.
390
00:17:14,832 --> 00:17:17,759
And we'll get right on that!
391
00:17:18,384 --> 00:17:20,912
Madam President,
just after you were sworn in,
392
00:17:20,931 --> 00:17:22,747
your predecessor finally conceded.
393
00:17:22,766 --> 00:17:26,084
These transitional tantrums
get longer and longer.
394
00:17:27,362 --> 00:17:30,346
Okay, he promised he'd leave
after he did that.
395
00:17:30,365 --> 00:17:32,515
But you're going to
be a great president.
396
00:17:32,534 --> 00:17:34,350
Thank you.
397
00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:36,110
But maybe not a happy one.
398
00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:39,206
Bart! Oh, I almost hugged you.
399
00:17:39,357 --> 00:17:40,949
Well, I almost wish you had.
400
00:17:41,043 --> 00:17:42,525
Oh. I think I will.
401
00:17:42,619 --> 00:17:43,643
I hope you do.
402
00:17:44,771 --> 00:17:45,954
I know what you need.
403
00:17:46,048 --> 00:17:49,049
Some President's Choice High Carumba.
404
00:17:49,276 --> 00:17:51,109
Why did you bring that here?
405
00:17:51,127 --> 00:17:52,219
A: it's legal.
406
00:17:52,370 --> 00:17:53,995
B: somehow still cool.
407
00:17:54,056 --> 00:17:56,514
And C: you really need to chill out.
408
00:18:03,957 --> 00:18:06,608
He's with me! He's with me!
409
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:09,903
Oh, I got to tell you something.
410
00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:12,555
Now that we're both
grown and successful...
411
00:18:12,649 --> 00:18:13,798
you, president,
412
00:18:13,817 --> 00:18:15,316
me, pot CEO
413
00:18:15,410 --> 00:18:18,078
and owner of three NBA teams...
414
00:18:18,229 --> 00:18:19,637
I feel different.
415
00:18:19,731 --> 00:18:22,807
I really, really, really don't hate you.
416
00:18:22,826 --> 00:18:23,899
Aw.
417
00:18:23,919 --> 00:18:25,752
Got anything to say to me?
418
00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:27,996
Um... yes.
419
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:29,163
All right.
420
00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:30,406
I'll admit it.
421
00:18:30,425 --> 00:18:33,426
I've always been kind
of a pain in the butt.
422
00:18:33,578 --> 00:18:35,987
Wow. If you had said that earlier,
423
00:18:36,006 --> 00:18:38,247
even I would have voted for you.
424
00:18:41,077 --> 00:18:42,177
_
425
00:18:42,178 --> 00:18:43,770
Wow, that's pretty cool
426
00:18:43,921 --> 00:18:46,568
for someone who was always unpopular.
427
00:18:47,091 --> 00:18:48,500
But, but wait!
428
00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:51,519
Not my fault. Because,
I don't know if you know,
429
00:18:51,671 --> 00:18:55,448
but I did not come from a
family that made things easy.
430
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,693
Well, maybe you didn't make
things easier for them either.
431
00:18:58,845 --> 00:19:00,845
Maybe Mom was the one
who was helping you
432
00:19:00,938 --> 00:19:02,938
in ways you don't even remember.
433
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:06,501
? Old days ?
434
00:19:08,297 --> 00:19:11,022
? Good times I remember ?
435
00:19:11,115 --> 00:19:12,540
? Fun days... ?
436
00:19:12,634 --> 00:19:15,218
Oh, wow.
437
00:19:16,997 --> 00:19:18,197
_
438
00:19:21,626 --> 00:19:22,792
Mom?
439
00:19:22,811 --> 00:19:24,144
She's clean. Checked her hair.
440
00:19:24,295 --> 00:19:25,553
Took 45 minutes.
441
00:19:25,705 --> 00:19:27,981
I'm here to see if you'll finally admit
442
00:19:28,174 --> 00:19:30,558
you'd be better off
if you'd gone to college.
443
00:19:30,652 --> 00:19:31,726
Are you crazy?
444
00:19:31,878 --> 00:19:33,878
You still can't admit you were wrong.
445
00:19:33,971 --> 00:19:35,547
Let me tell you something, lady.
446
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:38,158
Wait a minute. Just-just wait a minute.
447
00:19:38,309 --> 00:19:39,717
I'm president now.
448
00:19:39,811 --> 00:19:41,719
I have a lot of resources.
449
00:19:41,813 --> 00:19:44,313
Where's my mom translator?
450
00:19:45,316 --> 00:19:47,225
Maybe I started off on the wrong foot.
451
00:19:47,243 --> 00:19:49,561
"You constantly let me down."
452
00:19:49,579 --> 00:19:52,580
Of course, I appreciate
everything you're saying.
453
00:19:52,707 --> 00:19:54,732
"You were never really in my corner."
454
00:19:54,751 --> 00:19:57,844
I may have said a lot
of things in anger.
455
00:19:57,995 --> 00:20:00,738
"I meant what I said
and I will stick to it.
456
00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:04,909
But no matter what,
I was always proud of you."
457
00:20:04,969 --> 00:20:06,744
You made me mad, too.
458
00:20:06,763 --> 00:20:08,930
"I was hurt because I care so much.
459
00:20:09,099 --> 00:20:12,917
All the respect and love I
have for people came from you."
460
00:20:12,936 --> 00:20:14,343
That's nice to hear.
461
00:20:14,437 --> 00:20:15,845
"I love you so much."
462
00:20:16,940 --> 00:20:18,848
"I love you, too."
463
00:20:19,136 --> 00:20:21,115
Oh, oh.
464
00:20:22,731 --> 00:20:23,945
Okay, you can go now.
465
00:20:24,039 --> 00:20:26,188
"This translator is fantastic.
466
00:20:26,208 --> 00:20:27,690
Give her a raise."
467
00:20:31,380 --> 00:20:34,354
_
468
00:20:42,782 --> 00:20:45,299
Okay. I enjoyed that story,
but I got to know,
469
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:46,951
how much is really true?
470
00:20:47,211 --> 00:20:49,787
Let me consult the oracle.
471
00:20:50,892 --> 00:20:52,904
Okay, Lisa,
I'll give it to you straight.
472
00:20:52,939 --> 00:20:54,901
You've got a 98% chance
of going to college,
473
00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:56,385
83% Ivy League,
474
00:20:56,479 --> 00:20:57,962
47% chance of a boyfriend,
475
00:20:58,055 --> 00:20:59,964
72% chance of a girlfriend.
476
00:21:00,057 --> 00:21:01,082
Oh!
477
00:21:01,523 --> 00:21:03,392
I like those odds!
478
00:21:03,486 --> 00:21:05,153
Hey, can I get the game on this?
479
00:21:05,247 --> 00:21:07,321
It's not a TV.
480
00:21:27,271 --> 00:21:29,924
_
481
00:21:30,772 --> 00:21:32,689
Shh!
482
00:21:35,162 --> 00:21:38,019
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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