All language subtitles for The Neighborhood 3x13 - Welcome to the Art Class (English)

Oh, hey. What are you watching?

Oh, nothing. Now that
Malcolm's moved out,

I'm deleting all his shows off the DVR.

60 Minutes, time's up.

Documentary on the rain forest?

Rain, rain, go away.

Friends?

I don't recall seeing any
of our people on that.

Hey, hey!

I was recording that show.

You know I love watching
white people invent problems.

I just want the DVR to
feel as free as I do.

Like, no more arguments,
no more backtalk.

The memory of Malcolm
living here is fading faster

than his butt-print on that couch.

Well, actually, that is exactly
what I wanted to talk to you about.

Now that Malcolm's gone,

we're gonna have a lot more
time where's it's just...

you and me.

- Ooh. I get it.
- Mm-hmm.

So you're saying we could get
freaky wherever we want to.

What about... what about this chair?

I mean, or the kitchen?

Maybe over by the fireplace.

I mean, where do you want to
make our first butt-print?

That is not what I meant.

What I mean is, we're
free to focus on us.

You know, try new things,

expand our horizons.

Oh.

Yeah, that just sounds like
a fancy way of saying:

doing stuff that I don't like.

Aw, come on, baby.

I was looking at community
college classes we could take.

Like here. Look.

An Introduction to Drawing.

Babe, look, I got all the
fun I need right here.

I got my chair, I got my remote,

and an empty DVR to
fill with blooper shows.

I know that God loves all His children,

but clearly, He loves me more.

Okay, fine.

You could sit at home and do nothing.

I am going out and
expanding my horizons.

I'm expanding mine, too...
right here in this chair.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

This is gonna be so much fun!

I can't believe Calvin
would rather sit at home

than come with us.

Yeah, his idea of fun is
watching blooper shows

with his buddy Ernie.

I just don't understand
why men go so nuts

watching other men get hit in the nuts.

Well, his loss is my gain.

What could be more fun

than spending an evening
with my best friend,

doing art and drinking wine?

Oh.

What are you talking about?
They're not serving wine.

I know.

But I am.

Just when I thought I knew
you, more ghetto shows up.

Okay. Welcome to
Introduction to Drawing.

I'm your instructor, Deborah.

I apologize in advance.

We were supposed to kick off tonight

sketching a bowl of fruit,
but my boyfriend was too busy

playing video games to
swing by Trader Joe's.

So instead, we're gonna skip
right to figure drawing.

Please welcome our model, Antonio.

Gemma, this guy's just wearing a robe.

Not anymore.

Bishop takes knight.

Or, as I like to call it,

"bish, please."

Well, call it what you want, but...

checkmate.

Ha-ha!

Son of a bish!

Guys, you are never gonna believe

what I found in the basement.

Um, what'd you find?

It's an old manuscript
for a book Walter wrote.

He must have forgotten
it when he moved out.

Seriously?

That cranky old dude wrote a book?

What is it? Calling People
Dummies For Dummies?

Actually, I think it's a mystery novel.

Check out the title.

Dead Because of Murder.

Ha!

Well, if the murder weapon
was a terrible title,

I think we found it.

Yeah, you know what?

Read a little bit, Marty.

Oh, this is gonna be hilarious.

Okay, here we go. Chapter one.

"Standing there in the rain,
lightning streaked the sky.

"I stared at the woman in the red dress

"and knew three things...

"she was young, she was gorgeous,

and she was dead."

Damn, Walter, that's pretty good.

Are you kidding me?

It's great.

That old son of a bish can write.

Yeah, keep reading, Marty.

Oh, don't worry, man, there's no
way I'm putting this down now.

- To us.
- Out loud,

- Marty, come on.
- To us, Marty.

- Oh!
- Ooh!

Ooh, a bat to the crotch.

- That is hard to look at.
- Yeah, I know.

- Let's watch it again.
- Yeah.

- Oh!
- Aah!

- Oh-ho-ho!
- Oh...

Hey, babe. Hi, Ernie.

Hey, Tina.

Hi, baby. How was your art class?

Ugh. It was crazy.
You're not gonna believe this,

but we had a nude model.

Nude? Oh. How nude are we talking?

North of the border,
south of the border,

or the whole country?

Well, let's just say I saw everything

from sea to shining sea.

Oh-ho,

in that case, allow me to
take a peruse of the map.

Oh. Okay.

There we go.

Wait. Hold on.

This ain't no damn model.

It's a naked dude!

What?

I know. I mean, I was surprised, too,

but I did a really good
job. Look, Calvin.

Uh, yeah, almost too good.

Baby, you're not even looking at it.

Well, I will when you
draw him some pants.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

You didn't know that your
wife was gonna be staring

at a naked dude all night?

Talk about a bat to the crotch.

It's not like that, Ernie.

There's nothing sexual about it.

It's just, to an artist,

he's a beautiful specimen
of the human form.

Mm-hmm.

You can say it's not
sexual all you want,

but all my ex-wives would
have left me for that.

And I just mean the picture.

Hey, are you cool with this, Calvin?

- Well, you know...
- Of course he's cool with it.

He's not insecure like you, Ernie.

He's not threatened by this.

Right, Calvin?

- Of course not.
- Yeah.

Huh. Why would I be threatened by him?

I mean, any man that works out that much

and is willing to pose nude
in front of strangers, well,

he's the one that's insecure.

See? My baby gets it. Mwah!

What?

Notice she took the picture with her.

Oh, man. This is intense.

I know.

I may need you to walk me home tonight.

Will you two be quiet?

I'm about to find out who the killer is.

Hold up. The box is empty.

- What?
- The last page is missing!

Just like the chauffeur's left eye!

Are you kidding me?

No, man, the very last line says...

uh, "Standing there,

bloody knife in hand,
was none other than... "

And then there's no more!

Oh, man, this sucks.

We just spent 12 hours
reading a whodunit,

and we don't get to
find out who done it?

This is so frustrating.

O-Okay, you guys,
it's not that big a deal.

I think it's pretty obvious
to all of us that the killer

was the personal chef.

- What?!
- What?!

No, man, it was clearly the pool boy.

That's why there were
bloody fingerprints

all over the inflatable swan.

You're both crazy.

It was obviously the bastard son
who was cut out of the will,

whose name was Will...

which was kind of confusing for a while!

- It was definitely not Will.
- Of course it was Will!

An inflatable swan?

Okay, okay.

Clearly, there is only one person

who knows for sure what the answer is.

And that's Walter.

Yeah, but we have no idea where he is.

Yeah, all we know is he moved
to a retirement community

in Palm Springs, and there's
got to be hundreds of them.

Okay, gentlemen, well...

sounds like we have a mystery
of our own to solve.

But first lock the door...

they just found the chauffeur's
missing eye, and I am freakin' out!

Oh, hey, babe. Whatcha doing?

Working some more on my sketch.

Oh. So you're still doing that
thing I'm totally cool with

that doesn't bother me at all?

I was looking at it again, and
thought I could do a better job

of shading Antonio's muscles out.

Oh.

Antonio?

I'm guessing you didn't
get that off a name tag.

You know, for some reason,
I just can't get this right.

Oh, well, it'll be easier when
I see him at class tonight.

Uh, he's gonna be there again?

Yeah. For the next couple of sessions.

Last night was about basic form.

Tonight we'll get more into detail.

Well, how much more detail do you need?

I can already tell the guy's religion.

Wait a second, now. What's going on?

I thought you said you
were cool with this.

Well, I was...

until he's got a name

and you're doing all
this shading of muscles

and highlighting.

You know what, I'm starting
to think Ernie might be right.

What? Are you serious?

You're gonna listen to Ernie?

That man's been married five times.

He's got more rings than LeBron James.

Exactly.

Which is why he knows the signs.

And one of them is when
your wife starts hanging out

with a dude that's hanging out.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying that you're not
going back to that art class.

Oh. Excuse me?

No, I mean it, Tina.

I don't want you spending
time with this guy.

And I don't want you telling
me what I can and can't do.

Oh, isn't that rich.

You can tell me what I can't do,

but I can't tell you what
you can't cannot do

if you was trying to do something
and I said, "No," and you said,

"Yes, I can," and I
said, "No, you can't."

You know what I mean.

No. But what I know is

you cannot not stop me
from not doing what I want!

Wait, wait a minute.
Are you going or not?

'Cause I need to know
if I won this argument.

All right, I'm meeting Gemma for dinner,

then going to art class.

Have fun watching your
stupid blooper shows.

Well, actually, we're not watching
blooper shows tonight.

We realize we've been close-minded,

so we've decided to partake
of some art ourselves.

Oh, really? Where?

The Wiggle Palace on 40th Street.

So much classier than
the Jiggle Barn on 12th.

Seriously, Calvin?

You're trying to tell me
that going to a strip club

is the same as going to art class?

Isn't it?

I mean, it's like you said.

They're all just beautiful specimens

of human form.

Besides, Ernie tells me
there's a girl there

by the name of Monet.

That's right, that's right.
She, uh, she works in oils.

Fine, do what you want.

But you're acting like a child.

No, I'm not.

And even if I was, it wouldn't matter,

because the Wiggle
Palace has a day care!

All right, buddy, you ready?

Let's go give some "mo-ney" to Monet.

Forget it, Ernie.

We ain't going to no damn Wiggle Palace.

Wh-What?

No, I was just trying to
bluff Tina to make a point.

Now I got to think of something else.

Trust me, Calvin, just-just
let her do her thing.

She'll get over it.

Or she'll never come home.

I've had wives do both.

Okay. So, our missing
person is Walter Brown.

Yes. Last seen driving
off in a moving van

while giving us all the finger.

We know he moved to one of
87 retirement communities

in Palm Springs,

but that is where the trail goes cold.

I mean, I don't know if
this gives us anything,

but I'm pretty sure
Walter is left-handed.

Or at least left-fingered.

Wait a second. That's it.

Oh, what? What's it?

Fingers.

"Don't Lift a Finger Moving Company."

It was written on the side of the truck.

We should call them.

Yeah, but they're not gonna give out

personal information to just anyone.

Which is why I'm not
gonna be just anyone.

I'm gonna be Walter.

Oh. So, you telling us that
you're gonna do Black voice?

On second thought,
one of you should do it.

Yeah, hey. This is Walter Brown.

One of you jackasses
lost my damn ottoman.

Well, where the hell
did you deliver it to?

Rancho La Vista Senior Living,

unit 31-B.

Oh, never mind. Here it is,
right under my feet. Bye.

Boys, looks like we're
going to Palm Springs.

Hell yeah, jackasses!

Sorry, I was still in character.

Seriously? He thinks
going to a strip club

is the same thing as
going to an art class?

I know. It's like comparing
apples to oranges.

Or, in the case of Antonio, bananas.

Well, don't let Calvin's
negativity ruin your night.

For the next two hours,
don't even think about him.

Which suddenly became much harder to do.

Calvin, what? What are you doing here?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm the model for tonight's class.

What did you do to Antonio?

I bought him off.

I gave him 40 bucks
and a free oil change.

Ironically, he was so oiled up,

he dropped the coupon.

You are unbelievable.

What's wrong, Tina?

It's like you said. It's only art.

And we both know I'm packing
one hell of an exhibit.

You know what? Maybe I'll
just sketch my shoes tonight.

If you need me, I'll be the
one looking straight down.

Oh, please, Calvin.
We both know there is no way

you're actually gonna
go through with this.

Oh, really?

Okay. That's it.

I want to talk to you
in the hallway now.

Okay. Make it quick.

All right, it's cold out there, and
I got to model in a few minutes.

Okay, this is it. 31-B.

I hope he's home.

It's 8:30. Where else would he be?

Are you kidding me?

They have shuffleboard, aqua aerobics

and a puzzle room here.

If you over 70, this place is lit.

Hey! Walter!

It's us. It is nice to see you.

What the hell are you doing here?

When I moved out, didn't you
see me give you the finger?

Yes, Walter. But, you know,

we came to tell you that
we found your book

- in the basement.
- Yeah.

We all read it, and it was amazing.

- Really?
- Yeah. The only problem is

when we got to the end,

- the last page was missing.
- Yeah,

which is why we need you to
tell us who the killer is.

Well, since you guys went
through all of the trouble

of tracking me down, the least I can do

is tell you who it is.

For all the cash you
got in your wallets.

- What?
- What?

Yeah, you heard me.
My name ain't Google.

Information ain't free.

All right, fine. Fine. Fine.

We will give you the money.

All right, Walter.

Tell them that the killer was the chef.

Oh, no, no, no. He means the pool boy.

It was the bastard son, right?

You're all wrong.

The murderer...

is the butler.

Who?

The butler?

Well, there's no butler in the book.

Oh, well, sure, there is.
In the very first chapter,

he opens the door for the detective.

But that's the only time he appears

in the entire book.
He doesn't even speak!

Exactly. That's why he's
the very last person

you'd ever suspect.

Pretty good, right?

No, it's not pretty good!

It's a "screw you" to the reader!

Why can't it be both?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Yeah, any one of us could've written

a better ending than that.

Yeah, maybe.

But would anybody pay
you 200 bucks to hear it?

I didn't think so. The end.

I can't believe we drove
all this way for that.

And we got to drive all the way back.

But you know what we
can do on our way home?

We can write our own ending to the book.

I was gonna say play "I spy,"

but that is a way better idea.

What is going on with you?

And why are you acting so crazy?

No, no, what's crazy is my
wife rushing out every night

to look at a naked guy

when she's got a perfectly good one

sitting at home watching TV.

You are ridiculous.

What do you think I'm gonna do,

run off with some model half my age?

What do you think I am, a man?

Of course not. I don't think
you're gonna run off with him.

I just liked it better

when the only man you were
thinking about was me.

Are you kidding?

Baby, you are the only
man I think about.

You know the first thing
that popped in my head

the minute that guy dropped his robe?

Yeah, I got a good guess.

It wasn't that.

It was that I wish you
were there with me.

It was?

Yeah. Then I would've seen
the look on your face

and you would've seen the look on mine,

and we would've laughed
our asses off together.

I mean, 'cause you know when
that guy took off his robe,

I would've said something
really, really hilarious.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

And then I would've laughed too
loud and fell out on the floor.

I mean, who could blame you?

It's my biggest flaw.
I'm just too damn funny.

You see, babe?

This is what I'm talking about.

When I said I wanted to go
out and do fun stuff together,

it wasn't about the stuff.

The fun part was doing it with you.

Mm.

I'm sorry, babe.

I should've come with you.

The next time you want
to do something together,

I promise, I will.

Thank you.

So, what do you say?
You ready to get out of here?

Yeah, but we're leaving
the class without a model.

- Don't worry, I got it.
- Okay.

Yeah.

Hey, Ernie.

You want to make 40 bucks
and get a free oil change?

Oh, damn.

Crazy, huh?

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

Get out of town.

We actually had to.

Okay, so, what do you think?

I thought it was great.

- Yes.
- Up until the ending.

What?

I mean, the personal chef,

the pool boy and the bastard son

all committed the murders together?

What idiot would come up with that?

Are you...

Are you kidding? It was great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the ending
pulled the whole story together.

Yeah, it's way better
than what Walter had.

Well, the ending's all wrong.

The killer was obviously
the shady-ass butler.

I knew that the minute
he opened the door.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --