Original subtitles

Oh, Alice.

Oh, Alice darling,

I waited so long to meet you.

I never dreamed you would be so beautiful.

Such beautiful eyes

And long flowing hair.

May I cut in?

What are you doing?

I... I'm preparing for a very important date tonight.

With who, the cleaning lady?

No, dummy. I finally got me a date with Crazy Alice Phillips.

Pop, you can't go out with a woman

with a reputation like hers.

You're right.

So we spending the evening here,

just... just the two of us.

What about me?

I said, "the two of us." You would make the three of us.

Okay, I can take a hint. I'll go to a movie or something.

There's a good one down at the Rialto.

You ought to go down and see it.

I... I think it's about a revolt in a old age home.

That sounds hip. What's it called?

Caine Mutiny.

Okay, I was supposed to meet Rollo anyway.

I think I'm a little late.

Rollo? You're going meet Rollo?

Well listen, son.

Put your money in your shoe, and don't wear your watch.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it!

You with a mop in your hand?

Well, it's about time you faced up to this mess.

Speaking of facing up to this mess,

who messed up this face?

Fred Sanford, why is it

every time I come over here you call me ugly?

Because I'm not the type to lie.

That's it, I'm leaving!

Even if you do have the best singing voice in Watts.

Uh, wait a minute.

What was that you was saying?

I was saying goodbye.

No, no, no, no, I mean about my singing voice.

Now, what do I do every year about this time?

Shed your skin?

No. I round up talent for my church show.

And that's... That's where you belong, in a round-up.

Fred Sanford, if you don't watch it,

I'll take them suspenders and pull them so tight

that you'll be singing soprano.

Forget it, Esther, I'm not appearing in your show.

Oh, Fred, please.

I was counting on you.

See, you'd add strength to the show.

I need all my strength for tonight.

It's gonna be a big show.

Are you gonna be in the show?

Yes, I am.

Then I'll buy a ticket.

Thank you, Fred.

I just love dog acts.

Watch it, sucker.

Come in!

Hello, Esther.

How you doing, Fred?

Grady, what you doing dressed like that?

Well, I'm rehearsing, uh, my magic act

for Esther's church show.

He's good, Fred.

Uh, can you saw a woman in half?

Well, not yet.

Well, why don't you take Esther and practice.

C-come on, Fred, now, just give me a chance.

Yeah, go on, Fred.

All right, now, just hold this, Fred.

Isn't that wonderful, Fred?

Where... Where... Where'd you get this, Grady?

There... There was an ad in the back of this comic book,

and it said, "Amaze your friends.

Be the hit of the party."

So I sent away for this magic kit,

and they sent me all these tricks,

and it came today with the instructions.

Well, that's pretty good, Grady. Do another trick for me.

Sure.

Now... Now, this one is...

This one is my show-stopper, Fred.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I need two volunteers.

Here's a lovely couple right here.

You with the beard.

Talking to you, Esther.

This trick was the favorite of the emperors of China.

And this is the famous Chinese wristlocks.

All right, extend your arms.

There you go.

Put those on there.

There.

Uh-huh.

There. Try to escape.

You call this a trick, Grady?

Anybody can get out of this. Watch.

See that?

Now, that's the beauty of it, Fred.

It looks simple, but it's really very hard.

With this trick, Grady, I know you gonna be a big hit.

Yeah, speaking of big hits,

that's what you're gonna get, if you don't get us out of this.

No sooner said than done.

All right.

Abracadabra-cadabraca.

Free at last!

Grady... Uh, uh... Presto!

"Presto."

I bet I'm gonna presto your nose all over your face.

Come on, Grady, get us out of here.

L-let's see now. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Now, I put the cloth over it,

and then I sprinkled the dust.

Maybe I'm not using the right words, Fred.

Do you know any?

The only words I can think of now are "dumb magician"

and "ugly" and "nauseous."

Well... Well, that's all right, folks.

Everything's under control.

I have the instructions right here.

Wait a minute, now, let's see.

Magic rings... uh, wine to water,

disappearing marbles...

Grady, to some, disappearing marbles is a trick.

For you it's a birth defect.

Uh, Chinese wristlocks.

Yeah, this must be it. These must be the instructions.

Uh... Ha!

Aha.

Uh-oh.

What does "uh-oh" mean?

It means the instructions are in Chinese.

Uh-oh!

Grady, you big...

No, no, no, wait a minute, Fred. No. No.

I'm gonna figure out how to get you out of this.

Now, this has just got to work.

Okay, Fred, all right, put your hands in the bucket.

What for?

You know, it's like when you take a bath

and you stay in the bathtub too long and you shrivel all up.

Well, maybe, you and Esther... If you put your arms in there,

you can shrivel out of the wristlocks.

Well, it's worth a try, Esther.

That way... And when your arm shrivels up,

it'll look like the rest of your body.

Grady, you just got to do something!

You just got to do something, Grady!

If I stay tied to this heathen another minute,

some of his evil ways might rub off.

Ahh, uh!

No, no, no, hold it. Hold it. Now, just calm down.

Now, calm down.

Now, there just got to be a way out of this.

Well, there better be.

All right.

Now, let me see, now.

Now, we've tried lard,

and we've tried margarine, and we've tried butter.

Cup of sugar, we can enter the Pillsbury Bake-Off.

Oh, Fred... Fred I... I'm sorry.

But I mean, I just made a little mistake. But don't worry.

That's easy for you to say.

You're not shackled to Big Foot.

Big Foot?

How would you like this in your big mouth?

- Hey! No, no, no. - No, no, no. Come on now.

What is going on here?

Ask Houdini.

Why, I was just trying out my magic

on these two volunteers, and I ran into a small problem.

Grady, being stupid is not a small problem.

Grady, you mean to tell me

you can't figure out how to get them apart?

Well, Lamont, I've tried everything.

I even tried cutting through there with a hacksaw.

It just wouldn't work.

I bet Rollo could get us apart.

Why would you say something like that, Pops?

Because you've spent more time shackled

than any of the rest of us.

Hey, come on, man, don't start on Rollo.

Hey, hey, hey, man, no, it's cool.

I know just what to do.

Good. Stand up.

Then do it. Yeah, I can handle it.

Hold out your wrist.

You have the right to remain silent...

Rollo, you know, get on back there!

Hey, look, you know,

maybe it's a little drastic,

but this is one sure way of bringing you and Esther

closer together.

Now, Lamont, you know that familiarity breeds contempt.

Yeah, with Esther it breeds hoof-and-mouth disease.

Look, Pop, we'll figure out a way

how to get you out of here, but in the meantime, um,

why don't you and Aunt Esther try to be nice to each other.

Hey, hey, man, look here,

maybe we should try to pull them apart.

Hey, I think you might have something there, Rollo.

Listen, why don't you grab Pop under the arm, see,

and, Grady, why don't you grab Aunt Esther under the arm,

and we'll try that.

Come on, Pop.

Okay, Pop, why don't you close your eyes and make a wish.

Okay, you ready?

One, two, three... pull.

Come on, Grady.

Come on, pull, Grady.

I'm trying.

Uh, forget it.

Wait a minute, I'm still wishing.

What are you wishing?

I'm wishing that when I open my eyes,

the lady at the end of my arm is Lola Falana.

My wish came true.

It's Lola Falana.

But somebody turned her into a frog.

Hey, excuse me.

Yes?

Uh, do you work here?

No.

I just thought it'd be fun

to rent a tuxedo and stand around.

Maybe you could help me.

I doubt it.

We deal in tricks, not in miracles.

Well, then, you're just the man I want to see.

You see, somebody played a very dirty trick on me.

Yeah, I can see: Mother Nature.

Have you ever seen a sleight of hand?

Yes.

Well, now you're gonna see sleight of fist.

Wait a minute, Fred, cool it, cool it, cool it.

Look, mister,

somebody put us into these and we can't get out.

Oh, of course.

They're Chinese wristlocks.

This is one of the simplest tricks ever invented.

Really? Yes.

And you're in luck because I'm an expert on this.

You are? That's right.

This trick is based on the two common principles

of pull and shove, and sleight of hand.

It's very simple, but it is smashingly effective.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Now, just tell me how are we gonna get out of these.

Beats me.

You mean to tell me that you can't get us out?

Bingo.

Well, as long as we're here,

give me that wolfman mask.

Oh.

Would you like it gift wrapped?

No, she'll just put it on and pretty up.

Why, you old fish-eyed weasel.

I had enough! Let's go!

Wait a minute, buddy. Wait you can't leave me stuck to her.

I could be stuck to her the rest of my life.

Hey, do something! Say something!

Bye-bye.

Wait a minute, Esther.

This could be the break we've been waiting for.

Maybe he can translate the instructions for us.

Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me, me and ugly,

we Locky at the wristy, needy your helpy.

You don't need me. You need a speech therapist.

Well, look... Look, I'm sorry.

Can you read Chinese?

Yeah. Why?

We're stuck in this trick,

and the instructions are in Chinese.

And if you could read them for us,

I'd be the happiest guy in the world.

Give him the paper, Fred.

Here.

All right.

I'll see what it is.

See, in a minute we'll be free.

And it wasn't so bad being chained to you, Esther.

When I get free, I'll get me a couple of tetanus shots

and a sitz bath, and I'll be good as new.

Oh, Fred.

Sir, what does it say?

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, no, no. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Read that in English.

Oh.

"I, Howard Hughes,

being of sound mind and body, do hereby..."

I'm so tired.

Why did you walk home so fast? I could hardly keep up with you.

Because it's a $20 fine to walk the dog without a leash.

Oh, come on, you two,

you're irritable because you're probably hungry.

Now, that's all been taken care of,

because I've prepared dinner.

Hey Pop, before you know it,

this whole thing'll be all over with, man.

All it took was one phone call.

Now, Grady called the company that makes the magic kit,

and they're sending over the instructions,

special delivery, in English.

See that? There's nothing to worry about.

Now, would you like a drink?

Yeah, I'll have root beer,

and give Esther a witch's brew.

Uh, dinner is served.

Everything...

Everything sure smells good, Grady. What is it?

Well, we'll start the evening off

with my famous Russian cocktail:

vodka and prune juice.

Vodka and prune juice?!

Yeah, yeah. I call that my "Trotsky."

And, uh... As an appetizer,

we'll have boiled beef tongue and bananas.

Uh, I... I'm almost afraid to ask what that's called, Grady.

Oh, no, go ahead.

What's it called?

A lickety-split.

Look, let's just get to the main course, Grady.

Okay, Fred.

For the main course here I fixed your favorite.

We have here some spare ribs and corn on the cob.

Yeah, that's all right.

Yeah.

Hey, this ain't gonna work.

Why don't you and Aunt Esther, you know, work together.

Take a ear of corn and start at opposite ends.

I'm willing if you are, Fred.

Well, I guess it's worth a try.

Uh... hold that end.

I'd like some butter on my end.

Well, what you want on the corn?

Grady... Grady, how would you like

a third ear where your brain was?

I'm sor... I'm sorry...

I'm sorry... I'm sorry, Fred.

But seeing you two shackled together like that,

you just look crazy.

Crazy.

Crazy.

Crazy. What time is it?

It's almost 8:00, Pop. Why?

Uh... Crazy Alice is on her way over here.

Fred!

You've got a date with Crazy Alice?

Well, that's unbelie... That's beautiful, Fred.

I mean, how come... How come you're not more excited?!

Because I'm chained to U-G-L-Y.

Well, I hate to eat and run.

Oh. Where are you going?

What do you mean...? You said for me to make plans.

Yeah, but I got a date with Crazy Alice. What am I gonna do?

From the look of things, I'd say very little.

Goodnight.

Hey, what time is Stupid Alice gonna get here?

You mean Crazy Alice.

If she going out with you, I mean Stupid Alice.

Get on, now. Esther, we made a deal.

Now, get on down there and keep quiet.

How long I got to stay like this?

Hopefully all night.

Uh, come on in. The door's open.

Over here on the couch.

Oh, Freddy,

you're just as cute as I hoped you'd be.

Old and cuddly.

I just love old, cuddly men.

Well, come over here and get some good old cuddly.

Oh, you don't have any inhibitions, do you?

No, but I got some chip and dip and fruit.

Ah.

Uh, how come you only got on half a smoking jacket?

Well, because I'm trying to give it up.

How about some music?

Do you like "Begin the Beguine"?

I'll "beguine" whenever you're ready.

What's the matter? Don't you like me?

Uh, I'm nuts about you.

Then why did you pull away?

Well, it's this witch... Uh, this twitch.

Oh, you are cute, Freddy.

Let's dance.

Yeah, let's dance.

You had enough?

Oh.

You don't want to dance, do you, Freddy?

Well, I've been told that I can't dance.

Oh. Arthritis?

Arthur Murray.

Oh, Freddy.

Uh.

Alice, has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?

And... And... And gorgeous hair.

And a terrific figure.

How about one across the lips?

You got it, sucker.

What is going on here? Who is that woman?

Uh, what woman?

That woman!

The one that's locked to your arm, you two-timer.

No, this ain't no woman.

That's a growth on my wrist.

If you don't mind, I'll be going.

But wait a minute. What about our date?

We hardly got to know each other.

And what about all this food and stuff?

You never even touched my grapes.

Oh, hi, Fred. I...

I hope I'm not interrupting anything,

but I got some great news.

That's wonderful, Grady.

Well, tell Alice the whole story from the beginning.

Oh, okay.

Well, you see, when I was a kid,

I was always fascinated with magic.

So for my 10th birthday my father bought me a...

Will you stop it and get us out of these things?

You're cute, Grady.

I'd love to hear the rest of your story on the way home.

Oh, you would?

Mm-hmm. Oh.

Sure. Let's go.

Grady, the instructions.

Oh, I don't need no instructions, Fred.

I know what to do.

Hey, Grady!

Well, Esther, now that we're alone,

there's something that I've been...

I've been meaning to tell you all day.

What is it, Fred?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Me too.

It's no use, Pop.

This blade will never cut through those rings.

Well, don't throw it away.

When Grady comes back, I'm gonna try it on him.

I wonder what's keeping him so long.

Grady, read that piece of paper and get us out of this mess.

Oh, these aren't the instructions, Esther.

This is Crazy Alice's address and telephone number,

and what time I'm supposed to meet her this evening.

She loves me, Fred.

Grady, do you have the instructions?

Oh, certainly.

Well then, would you please read them?

Aunt Esther and Pop have been stuck together long enough.

Oh. Oh, yeah, okay.

All right.

I need two volunteers to come up here and...

I'm gonna send you five volunteers up your nose.

Okay, all right, Lamont,

you take Fred's right arm there,

and I'll take Esther's left arm.

Is that what the instructions say?

That's what the instructions say.

All right,

and then we'll put this little cloth right over here like this.

Abracadabra.

Saoww!

I'm free.

I'm free.

Uh, Grady, allow me.

Uh, uh, uh, Fred,

what about the instructions?

I don't need any instructions.

I know what to do.

Fred!

Bye.