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1
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:06,976
Oh, Alice.
2
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,179
Oh, Alice darling,
3
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,814
I waited so long to meet you.
4
00:01:11,838 --> 00:01:14,518
I never dreamed you
would be so beautiful.
5
00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:17,521
Such beautiful eyes
6
00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:19,144
And long flowing hair.
7
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:27,467
May I cut in?
8
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:30,400
What are you doing?
9
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,902
I... I'm preparing for a
very important date tonight.
10
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,938
With who, the cleaning lady?
11
00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:39,376
No, dummy. I finally got me a
date with Crazy Alice Phillips.
12
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,911
Pop, you can't go
out with a woman
13
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,413
with a reputation like hers.
14
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:44,481
You're right.
15
00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:46,583
So we spending the evening here,
16
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,785
just... just the two of us.
17
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,153
What about me?
18
00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:53,590
I said, "the two of us." You
would make the three of us.
19
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,226
Okay, I can take a hint. I'll
go to a movie or something.
20
00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,961
There's a good one
down at the Rialto.
21
00:01:57,985 --> 00:01:59,596
You ought to go down and see it.
22
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:02,199
I... I think it's about a
revolt in a old age home.
23
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:04,334
That sounds hip.
What's it called?
24
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,325
Caine Mutiny.
25
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,706
Okay, I was supposed
to meet Rollo anyway.
26
00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:10,907
I think I'm a little late.
27
00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:11,908
Rollo? You're going meet Rollo?
28
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,310
Well listen, son.
29
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:16,135
Put your money in your shoe,
and don't wear your watch.
30
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,698
I don't believe it.
31
00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:38,034
I just don't believe it!
32
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:40,325
You with a mop in your hand?
33
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:45,642
Well, it's about time you
faced up to this mess.
34
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,245
Speaking of facing
up to this mess,
35
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:51,336
who messed up this face?
36
00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:55,285
Fred Sanford, why is it
37
00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:58,021
every time I come over
here you call me ugly?
38
00:02:58,045 --> 00:02:59,978
Because I'm not the type to lie.
39
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:04,027
That's it, I'm leaving!
40
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:07,764
Even if you do have the
best singing voice in Watts.
41
00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:08,998
Uh, wait a minute.
42
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,200
What was that you was saying?
43
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,968
I was saying goodbye.
44
00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:15,172
No, no, no, no, I mean
about my singing voice.
45
00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:18,275
Now, what do I do every
year about this time?
46
00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:20,599
Shed your skin?
47
00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:27,317
No. I round up talent
for my church show.
48
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:30,654
And that's... That's where
you belong, in a round-up.
49
00:03:30,678 --> 00:03:35,024
Fred Sanford, if
you don't watch it,
50
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,827
I'll take them suspenders
and pull them so tight
51
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,718
that you'll be singing soprano.
52
00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:44,501
Forget it, Esther, I'm not
appearing in your show.
53
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:46,369
Oh, Fred, please.
54
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:49,038
I was counting on you.
55
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,208
See, you'd add
strength to the show.
56
00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:54,644
I need all my
strength for tonight.
57
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:55,945
It's gonna be a big show.
58
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,347
Are you gonna be in the show?
59
00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:58,548
Yes, I am.
60
00:03:58,572 --> 00:03:59,649
Then I'll buy a ticket.
61
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:01,718
Thank you, Fred.
62
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,543
I just love dog acts.
63
00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,757
Watch it, sucker.
64
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,515
Come in!
65
00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:19,001
Hello, Esther.
66
00:04:19,025 --> 00:04:20,537
How you doing, Fred?
67
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:22,639
Grady, what you
doing dressed like that?
68
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,140
Well, I'm rehearsing,
uh, my magic act
69
00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:26,843
for Esther's church show.
70
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,245
He's good, Fred.
71
00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:30,980
Uh, can you saw a woman in half?
72
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,515
Well, not yet.
73
00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:34,573
Well, why don't you
take Esther and practice.
74
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:39,922
C-come on, Fred, now,
just give me a chance.
75
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,190
Yeah, go on, Fred.
76
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:43,482
All right, now,
just hold this, Fred.
77
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:51,334
Isn't that wonderful, Fred?
78
00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:56,038
Where... Where... Where'd
you get this, Grady?
79
00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:59,142
There... There was an ad in
the back of this comic book,
80
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:01,711
and it said,
"Amaze your friends.
81
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,480
Be the hit of the party."
82
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:05,782
So I sent away
for this magic kit,
83
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,250
and they sent
me all these tricks,
84
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:09,686
and it came today
with the instructions.
85
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:11,888
Well, that's pretty good,
Grady. Do another trick for me.
86
00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:13,022
Sure.
87
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,491
Now... Now, this one is...
88
00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,393
This one is my
show-stopper, Fred.
89
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:18,928
All right.
90
00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:20,530
Ladies and gentlemen,
91
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:23,388
I need two volunteers.
92
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,878
Here's a lovely
couple right here.
93
00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:36,979
You with the beard.
94
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,037
Talking to you, Esther.
95
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:46,423
This trick was the favorite
of the emperors of China.
96
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:51,394
And this is the famous
Chinese wristlocks.
97
00:05:51,418 --> 00:05:53,585
All right, extend your arms.
98
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,066
There you go.
99
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,023
Put those on there.
100
00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:02,328
There.
101
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:05,364
Uh-huh.
102
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:08,678
There. Try to escape.
103
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,513
You call this a trick, Grady?
104
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:13,204
Anybody can get
out of this. Watch.
105
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:18,588
See that?
106
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,690
Now, that's the
beauty of it, Fred.
107
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:23,025
It looks simple, but
it's really very hard.
108
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:26,429
With this trick, Grady, I
know you gonna be a big hit.
109
00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:28,064
Yeah, speaking of big hits,
110
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:30,767
that's what you're gonna get,
if you don't get us out of this.
111
00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:32,535
No sooner said than done.
112
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,025
All right.
113
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:45,648
Abracadabra-cadabraca.
114
00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:47,539
Free at last!
115
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:54,279
Grady... Uh, uh... Presto!
116
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,793
"Presto."
117
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:59,729
I bet I'm gonna presto
your nose all over your face.
118
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,498
Come on, Grady,
get us out of here.
119
00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:05,502
L-let's see now. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.
120
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,637
Now, I put the cloth over it,
121
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:10,807
and then I sprinkled the dust.
122
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,609
Maybe I'm not using
the right words, Fred.
123
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:13,810
Do you know any?
124
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:17,547
The only words I can think
of now are "dumb magician"
125
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,003
and "ugly" and "nauseous."
126
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,185
Well... Well, that's
all right, folks.
127
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,754
Everything's under control.
128
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:27,245
I have the
instructions right here.
129
00:07:28,715 --> 00:07:30,727
Wait a minute, now, let's see.
130
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:35,998
Magic rings...
uh, wine to water,
131
00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:37,567
disappearing marbles...
132
00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:40,870
Grady, to some,
disappearing marbles is a trick.
133
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:43,762
For you it's a birth defect.
134
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:48,010
Uh, Chinese wristlocks.
135
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:51,848
Yeah, this must be it. These
must be the instructions.
136
00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:54,984
Uh... Ha!
137
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,074
Aha.
138
00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,143
Uh-oh.
139
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:11,233
What does "uh-oh" mean?
140
00:08:11,257 --> 00:08:15,338
It means the instructions
are in Chinese.
141
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:17,540
Uh-oh!
142
00:08:17,564 --> 00:08:18,842
Grady, you big...
143
00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:21,344
No, no, no, wait a
minute, Fred. No. No.
144
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:23,802
I'm gonna figure out
how to get you out of this.
145
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,652
Now, this has just got to work.
146
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:33,055
Okay, Fred, all right, put
your hands in the bucket.
147
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:34,491
What for?
148
00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:36,960
You know, it's like
when you take a bath
149
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:40,530
and you stay in the bathtub
too long and you shrivel all up.
150
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:44,667
Well, maybe, you and Esther...
If you put your arms in there,
151
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,336
you can shrivel
out of the wristlocks.
152
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,071
Well, it's worth a try, Esther.
153
00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:51,574
That way... And when
your arm shrivels up,
154
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:55,144
it'll look like the
rest of your body.
155
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:56,746
Grady, you just
got to do something!
156
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,581
You just got to do
something, Grady!
157
00:08:58,605 --> 00:09:01,350
If I stay tied to this
heathen another minute,
158
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,620
some of his evil
ways might rub off.
159
00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:05,955
Ahh, uh!
160
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:08,290
No, no, no, hold it. Hold
it. Now, just calm down.
161
00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:09,659
Now, calm down.
162
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,895
Now, there just got
to be a way out of this.
163
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:12,929
Well, there better be.
164
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:13,930
All right.
165
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:15,231
Now, let me see, now.
166
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:18,768
Now, we've tried lard,
167
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:22,471
and we've tried margarine,
and we've tried butter.
168
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:24,796
Cup of sugar, we can
enter the Pillsbury Bake-Off.
169
00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:31,113
Oh, Fred... Fred I... I'm sorry.
170
00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:34,216
But I mean, I just made a
little mistake. But don't worry.
171
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,484
That's easy for you to say.
172
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,587
You're not shackled to Big Foot.
173
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:39,556
Big Foot?
174
00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,512
How would you like
this in your big mouth?
175
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:46,563
- Hey! No, no, no.
- No, no, no. Come on now.
176
00:09:55,361 --> 00:09:57,239
What is going on here?
177
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,008
Ask Houdini.
178
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:02,078
Why, I was just
trying out my magic
179
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:05,081
on these two volunteers,
and I ran into a small problem.
180
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,917
Grady, being stupid
is not a small problem.
181
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,285
Grady, you mean to tell me
182
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:11,320
you can't figure out
how to get them apart?
183
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,656
Well, Lamont, I've
tried everything.
184
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:16,859
I even tried cutting through
there with a hacksaw.
185
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:18,260
It just wouldn't work.
186
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,162
I bet Rollo could get us apart.
187
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:22,131
Why would you say
something like that, Pops?
188
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,366
Because you've spent
more time shackled
189
00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:26,669
than any of the rest of us.
190
00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:28,537
Hey, come on, man,
don't start on Rollo.
191
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:30,039
Hey, hey, hey,
man, no, it's cool.
192
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:31,641
I know just what to do.
193
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,009
Good. Stand up.
194
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:35,344
Then do it. Yeah,
I can handle it.
195
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:36,613
Hold out your wrist.
196
00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:39,482
You have the right
to remain silent...
197
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,773
Rollo, you know,
get on back there!
198
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,521
Hey, look, you know,
199
00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:46,856
maybe it's a little drastic,
200
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,225
but this is one sure way
of bringing you and Esther
201
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,526
closer together.
202
00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:54,063
Now, Lamont, you know that
familiarity breeds contempt.
203
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:57,967
Yeah, with Esther it breeds
hoof-and-mouth disease.
204
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,435
Look, Pop, we'll
figure out a way
205
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:02,471
how to get you out of here,
but in the meantime, um,
206
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:06,042
why don't you and Aunt Esther
try to be nice to each other.
207
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:07,176
Hey, hey, man, look here,
208
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,878
maybe we should
try to pull them apart.
209
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:11,014
Hey, I think you might
have something there, Rollo.
210
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:13,516
Listen, why don't you grab
Pop under the arm, see,
211
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:16,218
and, Grady, why don't you
grab Aunt Esther under the arm,
212
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:17,219
and we'll try that.
213
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:18,243
Come on, Pop.
214
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:27,118
Okay, Pop, why don't you
close your eyes and make a wish.
215
00:11:30,456 --> 00:11:31,701
Okay, you ready?
216
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:35,660
One, two, three... pull.
217
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,041
Come on, Grady.
218
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:39,208
Come on, pull, Grady.
219
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,232
I'm trying.
220
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,345
Uh, forget it.
221
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:45,148
Wait a minute,
I'm still wishing.
222
00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:47,150
What are you wishing?
223
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:49,118
I'm wishing that
when I open my eyes,
224
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:52,443
the lady at the end of
my arm is Lola Falana.
225
00:11:56,783 --> 00:11:57,960
My wish came true.
226
00:11:57,984 --> 00:11:59,662
It's Lola Falana.
227
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:02,787
But somebody
turned her into a frog.
228
00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:27,790
Hey, excuse me.
229
00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:29,513
Yes?
230
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:37,934
Uh, do you work here?
231
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,435
No.
232
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:40,970
I just thought it'd be fun
233
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,972
to rent a tuxedo
and stand around.
234
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:46,175
Maybe you could help me.
235
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,543
I doubt it.
236
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,101
We deal in tricks,
not in miracles.
237
00:12:52,038 --> 00:12:54,817
Well, then, you're just
the man I want to see.
238
00:12:54,841 --> 00:12:57,319
You see, somebody played
a very dirty trick on me.
239
00:12:57,343 --> 00:13:00,245
Yeah, I can see: Mother Nature.
240
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,525
Have you ever seen
a sleight of hand?
241
00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:04,693
Yes.
242
00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:06,328
Well, now you're
gonna see sleight of fist.
243
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,597
Wait a minute, Fred,
cool it, cool it, cool it.
244
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:09,799
Look, mister,
245
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:12,235
somebody put us into
these and we can't get out.
246
00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:14,103
Oh, of course.
247
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,272
They're Chinese wristlocks.
248
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,741
This is one of the simplest
tricks ever invented.
249
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,243
Really? Yes.
250
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:22,912
And you're in luck because
I'm an expert on this.
251
00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:24,446
You are? That's right.
252
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:27,784
This trick is based on
the two common principles
253
00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:32,088
of pull and shove,
and sleight of hand.
254
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:36,225
It's very simple, but it
is smashingly effective.
255
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:37,626
Oh, that's wonderful.
256
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:40,029
Now, just tell me how are
we gonna get out of these.
257
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:42,220
Beats me.
258
00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:47,103
You mean to tell me
that you can't get us out?
259
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:48,226
Bingo.
260
00:13:49,529 --> 00:13:50,840
Well, as long as we're here,
261
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:52,574
give me that wolfman mask.
262
00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:53,631
Oh.
263
00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:56,745
Would you like it gift wrapped?
264
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:59,129
No, she'll just put
it on and pretty up.
265
00:14:01,607 --> 00:14:04,153
Why, you old fish-eyed weasel.
266
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:05,587
I had enough! Let's go!
267
00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:07,990
Wait a minute, buddy. Wait
you can't leave me stuck to her.
268
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:10,193
I could be stuck to
her the rest of my life.
269
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:11,260
Hey, do something!
Say something!
270
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:12,416
Bye-bye.
271
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:19,601
Wait a minute, Esther.
272
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:21,770
This could be the break
we've been waiting for.
273
00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:24,829
Maybe he can translate
the instructions for us.
274
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:28,077
Uh, excuse me.
275
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:31,613
Excuse me, me and ugly,
276
00:14:31,637 --> 00:14:36,886
we Locky at the wristy,
needy your helpy.
277
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:40,578
You don't need me. You
need a speech therapist.
278
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,128
Well, look... Look, I'm sorry.
279
00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:47,730
Can you read Chinese?
280
00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:49,298
Yeah. Why?
281
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:50,733
We're stuck in this trick,
282
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,068
and the instructions
are in Chinese.
283
00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,769
And if you could
read them for us,
284
00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:55,371
I'd be the happiest
guy in the world.
285
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,538
Give him the paper, Fred.
286
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:57,740
Here.
287
00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:59,942
All right.
288
00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:01,710
I'll see what it is.
289
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,379
See, in a minute we'll be free.
290
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,514
And it wasn't so bad being
chained to you, Esther.
291
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:08,450
When I get free, I'll get me
a couple of tetanus shots
292
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:11,420
and a sitz bath, and
I'll be good as new.
293
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:12,621
Oh, Fred.
294
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,190
Sir, what does it say?
295
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:19,362
Wait, wait, wait.
296
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:22,098
Wait, wait, wait, no,
no. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
297
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:24,066
Read that in English.
298
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,067
Oh.
299
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,236
"I, Howard Hughes,
300
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,461
being of sound mind
and body, do hereby..."
301
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:39,581
I'm so tired.
302
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:42,451
Why did you walk home so fast?
I could hardly keep up with you.
303
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:45,988
Because it's a $20 fine to
walk the dog without a leash.
304
00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:47,856
Oh, come on, you two,
305
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,592
you're irritable because
you're probably hungry.
306
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:52,962
Now, that's all
been taken care of,
307
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,430
because I've prepared dinner.
308
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,697
Hey Pop, before you know it,
309
00:15:55,721 --> 00:15:57,300
this whole thing'll
be all over with, man.
310
00:15:57,324 --> 00:15:58,867
All it took was one phone call.
311
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:02,171
Now, Grady called the
company that makes the magic kit,
312
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,040
and they're sending
over the instructions,
313
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:06,008
special delivery, in English.
314
00:16:06,032 --> 00:16:08,411
See that? There's
nothing to worry about.
315
00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:10,146
Now, would you like a drink?
316
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,081
Yeah, I'll have root beer,
317
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:14,705
and give Esther a witch's brew.
318
00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:21,190
Uh, dinner is served.
319
00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:22,825
Everything...
320
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:25,661
Everything sure smells
good, Grady. What is it?
321
00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:27,396
Well, we'll start
the evening off
322
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,731
with my famous Russian cocktail:
323
00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:31,856
vodka and prune juice.
324
00:16:35,061 --> 00:16:36,605
Vodka and prune juice?!
325
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:41,177
Yeah, yeah. I call
that my "Trotsky."
326
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:45,514
And, uh... As an appetizer,
327
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,572
we'll have boiled beef
tongue and bananas.
328
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:53,822
Uh, I... I'm almost afraid to
ask what that's called, Grady.
329
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,391
Oh, no, go ahead.
330
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:56,392
What's it called?
331
00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,516
A lickety-split.
332
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:04,467
Look, let's just get to
the main course, Grady.
333
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,635
Okay, Fred.
334
00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:09,338
For the main course
here I fixed your favorite.
335
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:14,043
We have here some spare
ribs and corn on the cob.
336
00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:16,078
Yeah, that's all right.
337
00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:17,382
Yeah.
338
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:22,885
Hey, this ain't gonna work.
339
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:25,687
Why don't you and Aunt
Esther, you know, work together.
340
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:29,025
Take a ear of corn and
start at opposite ends.
341
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:30,592
I'm willing if you are, Fred.
342
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:32,928
Well, I guess it's worth a try.
343
00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:35,319
Uh... hold that end.
344
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,836
I'd like some butter on my end.
345
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:43,260
Well, what you want on the corn?
346
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:49,678
Grady... Grady,
how would you like
347
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:52,062
a third ear where
your brain was?
348
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,717
I'm sor... I'm sorry...
349
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:58,154
I'm sorry... I'm sorry, Fred.
350
00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:01,057
But seeing you two
shackled together like that,
351
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:02,591
you just look crazy.
352
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:04,260
Crazy.
353
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:05,327
Crazy.
354
00:18:05,351 --> 00:18:07,963
Crazy. What time is it?
355
00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:09,998
It's almost 8:00, Pop. Why?
356
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:13,235
Uh... Crazy Alice is
on her way over here.
357
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:14,670
Fred!
358
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:18,207
You've got a date
with Crazy Alice?
359
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:21,377
Well, that's unbelie...
That's beautiful, Fred.
360
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:24,980
I mean, how come... How
come you're not more excited?!
361
00:18:25,004 --> 00:18:29,140
Because I'm chained to U-G-L-Y.
362
00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:32,421
Well, I hate to eat and run.
363
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,557
Oh. Where are you going?
364
00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:36,892
What do you mean...? You
said for me to make plans.
365
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:39,695
Yeah, but I got a date with
Crazy Alice. What am I gonna do?
366
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:41,797
From the look of
things, I'd say very little.
367
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:42,821
Goodnight.
368
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:49,705
Hey, what time is Stupid
Alice gonna get here?
369
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:51,307
You mean Crazy Alice.
370
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:54,977
If she going out with
you, I mean Stupid Alice.
371
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,579
Get on, now. Esther,
we made a deal.
372
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:58,214
Now, get on down
there and keep quiet.
373
00:18:58,238 --> 00:18:59,815
How long I got
to stay like this?
374
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:01,417
Hopefully all night.
375
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:06,063
Uh, come on in. The door's open.
376
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:14,363
Over here on the couch.
377
00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:17,133
Oh, Freddy,
378
00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:20,769
you're just as cute
as I hoped you'd be.
379
00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:22,505
Old and cuddly.
380
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:25,574
I just love old, cuddly men.
381
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:28,744
Well, come over here and
get some good old cuddly.
382
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:32,981
Oh, you don't have
any inhibitions, do you?
383
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:35,717
No, but I got some
chip and dip and fruit.
384
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:38,521
Ah.
385
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:41,823
Uh, how come you only
got on half a smoking jacket?
386
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:44,207
Well, because I'm
trying to give it up.
387
00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:49,498
How about some music?
388
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:50,799
Do you like "Begin the Beguine"?
389
00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:54,858
I'll "beguine"
whenever you're ready.
390
00:19:57,897 --> 00:20:00,075
What's the matter?
Don't you like me?
391
00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:01,377
Uh, I'm nuts about you.
392
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,145
Then why did you pull away?
393
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:05,609
Well, it's this witch...
Uh, this twitch.
394
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:11,187
Oh, you are cute, Freddy.
395
00:20:11,211 --> 00:20:13,222
Let's dance.
396
00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:14,526
Yeah, let's dance.
397
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,610
You had enough?
398
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:36,812
Oh.
399
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,181
You don't want to
dance, do you, Freddy?
400
00:20:39,205 --> 00:20:41,584
Well, I've been told
that I can't dance.
401
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:43,352
Oh. Arthritis?
402
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,287
Arthur Murray.
403
00:20:45,311 --> 00:20:48,224
Oh, Freddy.
404
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,725
Uh.
405
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:54,530
Alice, has anyone ever told
you that you have beautiful eyes?
406
00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:57,799
And... And... And gorgeous hair.
407
00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:59,868
And a terrific figure.
408
00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:02,605
How about one across the lips?
409
00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:03,761
You got it, sucker.
410
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:08,076
What is going on here?
Who is that woman?
411
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,712
Uh, what woman?
412
00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:10,946
That woman!
413
00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:13,148
The one that's locked to
your arm, you two-timer.
414
00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:14,383
No, this ain't no woman.
415
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:15,773
That's a growth on my wrist.
416
00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:20,188
If you don't
mind, I'll be going.
417
00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:22,023
But wait a minute.
What about our date?
418
00:21:22,047 --> 00:21:23,425
We hardly got to
know each other.
419
00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:25,294
And what about all
this food and stuff?
420
00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:27,918
You never even
touched my grapes.
421
00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:33,235
Oh, hi, Fred. I...
422
00:21:33,259 --> 00:21:35,671
I hope I'm not
interrupting anything,
423
00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:37,038
but I got some great news.
424
00:21:37,062 --> 00:21:38,307
That's wonderful, Grady.
425
00:21:38,331 --> 00:21:40,509
Well, tell Alice the whole
story from the beginning.
426
00:21:40,533 --> 00:21:41,610
Oh, okay.
427
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:43,746
Well, you see, when I was a kid,
428
00:21:43,770 --> 00:21:45,947
I was always
fascinated with magic.
429
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:49,050
So for my 10th birthday
my father bought me a...
430
00:21:49,074 --> 00:21:51,253
Will you stop it and get
us out of these things?
431
00:21:51,277 --> 00:21:53,722
You're cute, Grady.
432
00:21:53,746 --> 00:21:57,859
I'd love to hear the rest of
your story on the way home.
433
00:21:57,883 --> 00:21:59,495
Oh, you would?
434
00:21:59,519 --> 00:22:00,696
Mm-hmm. Oh.
435
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:01,730
Sure. Let's go.
436
00:22:01,754 --> 00:22:04,032
Grady, the instructions.
437
00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:05,967
Oh, I don't need no
instructions, Fred.
438
00:22:05,991 --> 00:22:08,025
I know what to do.
439
00:22:09,796 --> 00:22:10,996
Hey, Grady!
440
00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,380
Well, Esther, now
that we're alone,
441
00:22:18,404 --> 00:22:19,881
there's something
that I've been...
442
00:22:19,905 --> 00:22:21,883
I've been meaning
to tell you all day.
443
00:22:21,907 --> 00:22:23,385
What is it, Fred?
444
00:22:23,409 --> 00:22:26,355
I have to go to the bathroom.
445
00:22:26,379 --> 00:22:28,446
Me too.
446
00:22:39,892 --> 00:22:41,503
It's no use, Pop.
447
00:22:41,527 --> 00:22:43,472
This blade will never
cut through those rings.
448
00:22:43,496 --> 00:22:44,707
Well, don't throw it away.
449
00:22:44,731 --> 00:22:46,842
When Grady comes back,
I'm gonna try it on him.
450
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:48,826
I wonder what's
keeping him so long.
451
00:22:50,936 --> 00:22:54,916
Grady, read that piece of
paper and get us out of this mess.
452
00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:56,952
Oh, these aren't the
instructions, Esther.
453
00:22:56,976 --> 00:23:00,356
This is Crazy Alice's address
and telephone number,
454
00:23:00,380 --> 00:23:03,058
and what time I'm supposed
to meet her this evening.
455
00:23:03,082 --> 00:23:05,594
She loves me, Fred.
456
00:23:05,618 --> 00:23:07,429
Grady, do you have
the instructions?
457
00:23:07,453 --> 00:23:08,497
Oh, certainly.
458
00:23:08,521 --> 00:23:09,931
Well then, would you
please read them?
459
00:23:09,955 --> 00:23:12,000
Aunt Esther and Pop have
been stuck together long enough.
460
00:23:12,024 --> 00:23:13,969
Oh. Oh, yeah, okay.
461
00:23:13,993 --> 00:23:15,170
All right.
462
00:23:15,194 --> 00:23:18,073
I need two volunteers
to come up here and...
463
00:23:18,097 --> 00:23:21,799
I'm gonna send you five
volunteers up your nose.
464
00:23:23,035 --> 00:23:24,346
Okay, all right, Lamont,
465
00:23:24,370 --> 00:23:27,115
you take Fred's right arm there,
466
00:23:27,139 --> 00:23:29,651
and I'll take Esther's left arm.
467
00:23:29,675 --> 00:23:30,919
Is that what the
instructions say?
468
00:23:30,943 --> 00:23:32,354
That's what the
instructions say.
469
00:23:32,378 --> 00:23:33,856
All right,
470
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,892
and then we'll put this little
cloth right over here like this.
471
00:23:36,916 --> 00:23:38,226
Abracadabra.
472
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:39,250
Saoww!
473
00:23:50,663 --> 00:23:51,774
I'm free.
474
00:23:51,798 --> 00:23:53,108
I'm free.
475
00:23:53,132 --> 00:23:57,746
Uh, Grady, allow me.
476
00:23:57,770 --> 00:24:00,616
Uh, uh, uh, Fred,
477
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,117
what about the instructions?
478
00:24:02,141 --> 00:24:03,852
I don't need any instructions.
479
00:24:03,876 --> 00:24:05,142
I know what to do.
480
00:24:07,379 --> 00:24:08,891
Fred!
481
00:24:08,915 --> 00:24:09,915
Bye.
34005
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