Original subtitles

Hey, what are you doing, Pop?

How come you're not dressed, man? We're going out tonight.

We are?

Yeah, I made a reservation at a restaurant over a month ago.

Really? Well, let me check my calendar.

Uh-huh.

Nineteen fifty-six.

Well, that's done.

Nineteen sixty-three.

Wow, I am late.

I better get me a secretary.

Would you stop it? Now, what about dinner tonight, Pop?

Well, according to my calendar, I cancelled.

Pop, you can't cancel a reservation

unless you tell the person

that made the reservation in the first place.

I'm not going.

Pop, you have to go!

I mean, it'll do you good to get out.

Maybe another night.

See, there's something on TV

that I really wanna see tonight, son.

It's a very sad episode of The Six Million Dollar Man.

Oh, Pop.

But it is, son!

You see, the Six Million Dollar Man becomes outdated

so they donate his vital organs

to a used car lot in El Segundo.

Look, Pop, you can always see that on the rerun.

Now, come on, man. Let's go have some fun!

I think I'm gonna pass.

I don't wanna get all dressed up

just to go out for dinner and that's all.

I mean, if there's something else to do, like...

Make it a big night!

OK, I tell you what. We'll make a night of it.

After dinner, we'll go to a movie.

Now, what do you say?

Well, I'm free, depending on what movie we see.

You pick a movie, Pop.

The Incredible Shrinking Fungus.

Okay, you win.

I knew you'd say yes, son.

I mean, look here. Let's get out of here.

What are we waiting for?

You're cute, Pop. Real cute. Oh, wait a minute.

I'll take my menudo back into the kitchen.

No, no, no.

Just leave it where it is. It'll find its own way.

Come on, let's go.

See, the last time I made a reservation over here...

Don't eat anything now! We're going to...

I just want to taste it to see if...

Thanks a lot, son, for taking me out to the movies and to dinner.

That movie was great. The Incredible Shrinking Fungus.

I place that right along with Gone With the Wind.

Yeah, it was a remarkable film.

But I don't understand why you insisted on the front row.

Well, see, that way, we got to see the shrinking fungus

even after it shrunk.

Yeah, we didn't wanna miss that.

No, no. Come on in.

Let's watch a little TV, have some coffee.

All right.

Lamont, do you see what I see?

I don't see anything, Pop.

That's what I see!

The incredible shrunken furniture!

Look out, son. This is the big one!

Have two of them, Pop. Have two, one for me.

What are we gonna do?

Well, the first thing we have to do...

The first thing we have to do

is just calm ourselves down and sit down.

On what?

The chair's gone, the TV's gone, the couch is gone.

Even my menudo's gone!

Hey, wait a minute. Here's a crate, Pop.

I'll put it here where your chair used to be

and you can sit on that.

Oh, son! I-I-I'm gonna call the police.

Yeah. Tell them we were robbed by a gang of weirdoes.

Why do you say they were weirdoes?

Who else would steal Esther's picture?

Pop, I don't think it was weirdoes.

Yeah, you're right. It was Rollo.

He knows more about crime than Kojak.

Rollo is not a thief!

Buffalo chips!

You think what you want.

Rollo's coming over here. You can take that up with him.

Right now I'm gonna call the precinct.

Hello, 12th Precinct?

Could I speak to Officer Smith, please?

Hello, Smitty?

Hey, brother. This is Lamont Sanford, man.

Somebody robbed our house.

Okay. Thanks.

Thanks a lot, Smitty.

What did he do, congratulate you?

No. He said he'd be right over.

That was fast!

Hi, Lamont! Fred.

Forget Smitty, son. Call SWAT.

Shut up, heathen.

Well, Fred, I see you finally

got rid of all that old useless furniture in this house.

But, what are you still doing here?

Quick, son, get the Raid

so we can kill this fungus before it multiplies.

Will you stop that?

Somebody robbed us, Aunt Esther. They really cleaned us out.

Well, I guess that's what they mean

by "good riddance to bad rubbish."

I guess you're what they mean when they say,

"Into each life, some ugly must fall."

Watch it, sucker.

Now, I didn't come here for no fight.

I just came for a little donation for the church.

But it looks like I'm too late.

That's not true, Esther.

Put me down for 5.

Praise the Lord! Hallelujah!

Fred Sanford, $5.

Not $5, five knuckles!

Okay, old sinner.

But just remember tonight,

when you look around this empty house,

just remember that the Lord giveth

and the Lord taketh away.

Oh, glory!

And you remember, when you look in the mirror tonight,

the Lord gave you that face, and you stuck with it!

Oh, glory!

Heathen!

Why don't you stop that, Pop?

I mean, every time Aunt Esther leaves here, she feels terrible.

Yeah, but I feel terrific.

What's happening, Rollo! Hey, what's going on?

Hey, man, I see y'all got it fixed up real nicely in here!

Put a mattress on the floor

and it'd look just like Governor Brown's mansion.

Rollo, I have two questions for you.

Yeah, Pops? What are they?

Where is my furniture and where do you want to be buried?

What's the matter with you, Pop?

You have no right to accuse Rollo of stealing our furniture.

You're right, son. I'm sorry. Hey, that's okay.

I was just kidding, Rollo,

so I know you don't mind telling me where you were tonight

between the hours of 6 and 9.

Six and nine? Hey, man, I was at the movies.

And I saw this movie called The Incredible Shrinking Fungus.

Aha! We got him now! We got him now, son.

Well, now, look here.

That movie was only an hour and a half long.

Now, where were you from 7:30 to 9?

Oh, I had to sit through it twice,

because there was some old sucker in the front row

standing up, talking about "Fungus this" and "Fungus that."

Hey, what's going on?

Hi, fuzz!

Bye, fuzz!

Hey, didn't y'all used to have furniture in here?

Yeah, I told you on the phone, brother, that we was robbed.

Oh? What did they take?

All our furniture.

They must have been desperate.

That's cold, brother.

See, we came home from the movies.

This is the way we found the place.

Well, we caught some burglars tonight

and recovered a lot of stolen property.

Now, why don't you come down to the station with me.

Maybe you can identify some of it.

That's a good idea.

Pop, stay here and make a list of everything that's missing.

But what should I do in case the robbers come back?

For what?

Here you are, Janet. Thank you, Donna.

I hope Lamont was able to convince Fred

that it was a real robbery.

Oh, don't worry about Lamont.

He's a real smooth talker.

Maybe with you he is, because you're a sexy female,

but Fred's not.

Honey, Fred's not a sexy nothing.

Oh! They're here.

Hi, Lamont. Hi, Smitty. Come on in.

Hi, everybody.

Well, how'd it go? Did your father fall for it?

Hook, line and sofa.

He doesn't suspect we're in on it?

No.

Is everything going according to plan?

Just fine.

The sofa and the chairs are being reupholstered now.

I just hope that old heathen

appreciates what we're doing for him.

He will, Esther.

I know Fred has his faults.

You can say that again.

But when a man celebrates his 40th year in business,

well, that's something special.

It sure is.

But don't you think we should have told his friend Bubba?

No way, honey.

If there's anybody that can't keep a secret,

it's that loudmouth Bubba Bexley.

Better known as "Blabber" Bexley.

You know, I can't wait to see Pop's face

when he gets his furniture back and it's all been redone.

If we could just find some way to redo his personality.

Say, Fred, do you know what you're gonna say

to the insurance agent?

Don't worry, Bubba.

You in good hands with Fred G. Sanford.

The "G" stands for Gibraltar.

And if he don't hurry up and settle my claim,

I'm gonna give him a piece of the rock.

Wonder who that could be.

Who's that? I don't know.

Mr. Sanford?

I'm Trild.

Oh, well, I'm delighted and Bubba's pleased as punch.

I get that a lot.

I'm Frank Trild from Instant Insurance of Idaho.

You sure do get here fast.

We pride ourselves on settling claims quickly at the I.I. of I.

Well, good. Come on over here and pull up a piece of junk.

Now, how much settling have you settled on?

Well, according to what you told our agent on the phone,

I'd say somewhere in the neighborhood of $400.

I'd say that's the wrong neighborhood.

Don't accept the offer, Fred.

Your stuff is worth more than 400 bucks.

That's right, Mr. Trild.

My furniture was very valuable.

It was all early American.

So is an outhouse.

Could you be more specific, Mr. Sanford?

All right. My couch, for instance.

A rare family "hairloom." Oh, you mean "heirloom."

Don't tell me what the couch was stuffed with!

Tell him about your home entertainment center, Fred.

Oh, I hardly think an old record player

qualifies as a home entertainment center.

But it was a rare antique!

Louis XV used to play records on it for Marie Antoinette.

They didn't have record players in Louis XV's day.

That's what made it so rare!

Do you really expect me to believe

that Marie Antoinette listened to records?

Loved Little Richard.

I see.

On the basis of this new information,

I'm prepared to make a revised offer.

Well, I knew you were a wise, fair, thoughtful...

$85?

Double-crossing dummy.

I advise you to ruminate on my offer.

Ruminate on this.

This is the final offer!

And this is my final refusal.

Yeah, and think it over, Trild.

Would you rather pay a higher settlement

or a life insurance policy?

Well, what do you mean, Mr. Bubba?

Fred has a bad heart. Right, Fred?

Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah!

And $85 would really give him a big heart attack.

Isn't that right, Fred?

You right, Bubba. I feel it starting now.

Oh, here it comes! Here it comes!

Oh! Oh!

I told you! I told you!

Mr. Sanford, I'll call a doctor!

It's too late! Call the police!

Call the fraud squad!

Call the insurance commissioner!

I'll give you the $400.

You got a deal.

We did it, Fred. We did it!

Yeah, you know we did, Bubba!

And look here, don't say nothing to Lamont, Bubba,

because I wanna surprise him.

Sort of a 40th anniversary of business present.

Don't worry about me, Fred. I can keep a secret.

Good.

And Bubba, I can't wait to see Lamont's face

when he sees what I'm gonna do with the insurance money.

Yeah? What are you gonna do, Fred?

I'm gonna buy a new houseful of brand-new furniture.

Ooh! Will he be surprised!

What's that thing on your head?

What's it look like?

It looks like the welcome mat at Cesar Romero's house.

Would you take that off? You look ridiculous.

I ain't taking nothing off.

Come on in the house. I got a surprise for you.

Well, how do you like it?

Yeah, it sort of left me speechless too.

Pop, what is this?

Where did it come from?

Crushed Velvet City.

I bought it with the insurance money from the stolen furniture.

Insurance money?

Pop, you shouldn't have done that, man.

It was a real bargain!

Only cost me $400 to replace everything that was robbed.

$400?

Pop, you made a big mistake.

You think it's too busy?

No, but we're gonna be in trouble

when the insurance company finds out they were robbed.

Who robbed the insurance company?

You, me and all of our friends.

We're all accessories, Pop, before, after and during.

What are you talking about?

I thought you'd be proud of me

swinging such a wonderful deal here.

Pop, come over here and sit down a minute.

I wanna explain something to you, okay?

Take my stuff...

Look, in honor of your 40th year in the junk business,

I arranged for our friends, while we was at the movies,

to take away all our furniture.

That was your present?

You robbed your own father?

Not to keep, Pop.

To repaint, repair and reupholster, you know?

You'd do all that for me?

We all did that for you, Pop, because we love you.

I'm glad, son, because now I know you won't be mad at me

for keeping this furniture I bought.

We can't keep this furniture, man.

We gotta load it on the truck

and take it back to the place that we bought it from.

Are you crazy? That old stuff was tacky.

See, look around here.

Look at it.

What you see is me.

What I see are bars, Pop.

When the insurance company finds out

that they paid off on a phony claim,

we all going to jail.

Jail? That's right.

Jail? Well, what are you standing there for, dummy?

Let's get this junk on the truck!

Lift that end of the couch! Now, come on!

How can you sit there like that?

This is the last straw.

It is? Well, I'll wash it out for you.

Well, at least I got all the furniture loaded on the truck.

Well, I'd say we did it in pretty good time, didn't we?

What do you mean "we"? I did all the work.

When you brought out the lamp, didn't I bring the bulb?

Thanks for the bulb.

When you brought out the sofa, didn't I carry all the pillows?

Thank you for the pillows.

When you brought out

the bed, the dresser and the nightstand,

didn't I give you a hand?

No, you gave me a hernia.

You should be grateful.

It's not every son

that has a father that'd help him like I do.

Pop, if you really wanna help me,

call the insurance company and have them send a man over here

so we can give them their $400 back.

Okay. All right?

Hey, uh... hang up the phone, Pop.

Hmm? Hang up the phone.

Well, what about the money

that belongs to the insurance company?

We're not giving it back.

Now you're talking!

See, we'll split that money 70/30

and then we'll get a story to tell the insurance company.

We're not gonna make up a story.

We're not returning the furniture

and not gonna give the money back.

Why not?

Because somebody stole the truck with the furniture on it.

While we were in here?

Yeah.

They must have pushed it down the street

and then they started it.

Lamont, remember... You remember when I had that last big one?

Yeah.

This is a bigger one!

Do you really expect me to believe this incredible story?

It's the truth, Mr. Trild.

First, you report all your furniture stolen.

Yeah. Well, my father thought it was.

But you knew it wasn't.

But I didn't know my father called you

until I saw the furniture he bought

with the money from the old furniture

which is now the new furniture.

You expect him to believe that?

All I know is this furniture was never stolen

and you owe me $400, which is a lot more than it's worth.

It's all my fault.

You see, at my age, the mind plays tricks on you.

You know, sometimes I even see things that aren't there.

Like family heirlooms or home entertainment centers.

You see them too?

Look, Mr. Sanford, it's obvious that you have been dishonest.

I.I. of I. does not like to be cheated.

And I of me does not like to be cheated.

You forced me to accept a low settlement

while I was still upset about the robbery.

Are you calling me a crook?

If the shoe fits, shove it up your nose.

I got good news. I caught the dude that ripped off your truck.

Hey, nice work, Smitty. Where is he?

He's right outside. Wait a minute.

Come on in.

Rollo?

No, it can't be! Sure!

Let me get to him! I'll upholster his face!

Hey, wait a minute! Hold on, Pop!

You got it all wrong, man!

Look here, I took the truck but I didn't take it.

Took, take. What difference does it make?

You're gonna die anyway.

Hold it, Fred. Let him finish.

Yeah, I can explain it better outside.

I hope so, Rollo, for all our sakes.

This better be good. That's right. It better be good.

There it is, Pop.

In honor of your 40th year in business,

I had your truck all fixed up.

You did that for me? He sure did.

And it looks great, doesn't it, Pop?

Yeah, and that's not my only gift.

Remember that old tacky furniture that was in the back?

I sold it to my cousin for $350, Jack.

$350? I'll settle!

You could have let me put my hands on it.

Look at it this way:

The insurance company has its money,

we got our furniture back, better than ever.

Yeah, and a new truck, thanks to Rollo.

I mean, they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks,

but I sure changed my mind about you.

You all right, Rollo. Yeah, you all right too, Pop.

Don't make no big deal of it. It was nothing

Nothing? Fixing up this truck must have cost a fortune!

No, I'm just handy that way.

You're being modest, Mr. Rollo.

Those hubcaps cost $100 a piece.

I have some exactly like that on my car. Let me show you!

Hey, man, I take your word for it. I got to split.

Wait a minute! Why don't we have a look?

Hey, man, look, some other time. I got to go.

That CB setup looks just like mine!

Hey, look, I got to go.

Will you hold on?

Hey, come on, Pop. Let me go, Pops!

"Pops"? I bet I'll pop you upside your crooked head.

He's not a crook, Fred.

I was with him when he bought the hubcaps and the CB.

You were? Yeah.

You said you trusted him.

Yes, I did.

And that was today's Bicentennial Minute.

Oh, come on, baby!

Sit down and relax.

Oh, I just can't believe it, Janet.

I mean, I was gonna take the truck in

to have it redone the old way to make Pop happy,

and I went outside and it was gone again.

Poor Dad.

I wonder how he's gonna take the news

that he's been ripped off a second time.

I don't know.

Hey, this sure smells good. What is it?

I'm not sure. I found it in the icebox.

I think it's menudo.

What is that?

What is that?

Anybody wanna peel out and burn rubber with me

in my new set of wheels?