Original subtitles

Hey, that's great, Pop.

That's Pops.

Okay, Pops.

Why don't you put that down and do some work around here.

That's what I'm doing. I'm polishing up this bugle.

Because when I'm done with it, it'll be worth at least $50.

Fifty dollars? Are you kidding?

I don't care how much polish you put on that,

it won't be worth more than $10.

The bugle may be only worth $10, but the handkerchief,

used by Custer during the blowing of the retreat,

could be worth a fortune.

Custer was a general.

He didn't blow a bugle.

I know.

But when the bugler blew the retreat,

Custer took out this very handkerchief.

You mean to tell me surrounded by Indians

he took out a handkerchief to blow his nose?

No. He was trying to surrender.

He said, "Back off, Indians. Back off, you silly savages."

Oh, Lamont, Lamont!

Fred, Fred.

It's Sitting Bull.

Oh, Fred.

Where do you get off busting in my door, anyway?

I'm sorry, Fred, it's an emergency.

I need help.

Help, huh?

I'm just a junkman, not a plastic surgeon.

Please, Fred, I need your truck.

I agree, son. You take the truck and run over Esther's face.

You are an evil heathen,

and one of these days, the Lord is gonna strike you down...

if he ever decides to get his hands dirty.

What's the matter, Aunt Esther?

Our truck broke down, Lamont,

and today is the day we're supposed to pick up our son.

Oh, that's right. I forgot.

The adoption agency accepted you and Uncle Woody.

Hey, congratulations.

Aunt Esther, let me drive you over there in the truck

because, uh, you got that whiplash.

It'll be kind of painful for you to drive.

Thank you, Lamont.

Why don't you sit down here and make yourself comfortable.

No, no, don't sit down on my couch.

I'll have to have it condemned.

Fred Sanford... That's Fred G. Sanford.

And the "G" is for "Glad You're Going. Goodbye."

Well, looking at you,

I thought the "G" stood for "God Forbid."

Say, shouldn't we be leaving, Aunt Esther?

You're right, Lamont. Let's go.

Oh, say, listen, uh...

Esther, why don't you just run along with Lamont,

and I'll meet you back at the house later, okay?

I think he's right, Aunt Esther.

There's only room for three in the truck.

Is this it?

I mean, y'all get to keep the child forever?

Well, maybe.

Uh, you see, he's gonna stay with us for about a year,

and if everything works out all right,

then the adoption agency will make a recommendation

to the court.

I know we'll like him. I just hope he likes us.

I know he gonna like you, Esther.

Why, thank you, Fred.

Children always love animals.

Fred Sanford, you are the lowest of the low

and the meanest of the mean

and the baddest of the bad.

And you are the ugliest of the ugly.

That did it. Get him, Woodrow.

Woodrow. Bang, bang!

We'd better leave, Aunt Esther,

if we want to pick up your son on time.

My son.

Yes, I'm going to get my son.

Forgive me, Fred Sanford, if I made you angry.

I should be thankful that the Lord has smiled upon me today.

And in return, I should smile upon all his creatures.

Bye, creature.

Bye, bat.

Oh, glory!

Oh, glory, he's coming, that's right.

Hallelujah!

You old heathen.

I'll see if we have it, okay?

Right over here somewhere.

Let me see.

I know we have it here.

You know, Fred, I'm sure glad you came back with me, man,

because... Hey, look out!

Huh?

You know, I'm sure glad you came on back over here with me,

because, you know, I'm really, really nervous

about, you know, being a father, man.

Well, I understand, Woody.

I learned the day after Lamont was born

that it's much harder to be a father

than it is to become one.

Yeah, I know, Fred,

but, you see, I'm really concerned about his past.

You know, he was a juvenile delinquent,

and he just might still be.

Well, why did you adopt him?

Well, because he needed it the most.

You know, he's the last person in the world that anybody wants.

Not true.

What do you mean?

The last person anybody would want

would be Esther.

Hello, Mr. Anderson.

Hi.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Where... Where did she come from?

Oh, she started work here yesterday.

Is she up for adoption?

No, Fred!

Is she up for grabs?

Oh!

I'll ask her myself.

Look here, honey.

Excuse me, but you do some very nice work.

Oh, you like my display?

Yes, uh... very well stacked.

Why are you so interested in light bulbs?

Uh, I'm from Watts.

Oh, right, yeah.

What?

Fred. Listen, Fred.

Don't you know that you're twice her age?

Lucky her.

♪ Double your pleasure ♪

♪ Double your fun ♪

♪ I'm Freddy G. Sanford ♪

♪ The "G" stands for "Gum" ♪♪

Hey, here they are, Fred.

Here we are, Daniel.

This is your store,

and upstairs is your house.

That's him, Fred.

Does he look tough to you?

Hard to tell.

Standing next to Esther...

King Kong would look like John Boy.

So all of this is mine, huh?

My store and my house?

That's right, my son.

Well, all right, then.

Don't stop him, Woody. Don't stop him.

He might take Esther.

Woodrow.

You haven't spoke to your new son.

You ain't said nothing to him about the cash register, either.

Just say hello, Woody,

because he's already introduced himself to the cash register.

Well, uh, hello, son.

Hello.

If you don't say something to him about that cash register,

I'm going to ring up a "no sale" knot on your head.

Can I talk to you both for a minute?

Hey, Woody. Back off, there.

He wants to talk to me and Esther a minute.

Just a minute, mister. I want to talk to them.

Here's all the money back.

Why, thank you, son, but why did you take it in the first place?

Because I've been around long enough

and I've been in trouble too many times,

and I know a bad case when I see one.

And that weirdo over there with the legs like parentheses

is up to no good.

What's so funny?

That weirdo is your new Uncle Fred.

That's Lamont's father.

Hey, come here, Fred.

Hey, look, Daniel wasn't stealing our money.

He was trying to protect us... from you.

Why would he do that?

Because he's been around criminals long enough

to know undesirables.

Well, he ought to feel right at home here.

Say, Daniel, say hello to Uncle Fred.

What's happening, Uncle Fred?

"Uncle Fred" this.

Watch it, watch it, Fred.

Well, Daniel, this is it.

And someday, this will all be yours.

Thank you.

Oh! Can I have her now?

What, you mean Snookums?

Snookums?!

Doris Snookums.

Don't worry, Esther.

Now, just because I happen to think

that she's cute and pretty and sweet and charming,

that doesn't mean that I like her better than you

just because you're not.

I'll deal with you later.

Right now, let's all go up and get ready,

because I got a surprise for you.

Oh, I like surprises.

Good.

Some of the ladies from my church

is coming over tonight

to welcome Daniel to the community.

I hate surprises.

Shut up, Woodrow.

Come on, darling.

Good evening, Mrs. Anderson.

Good evening, good evening.

Hello there. Hello, Esther.

Oh... Ladies, meet our son, Daniel.

Hello, Daniel.

Woodrow?

Aren't you gonna say hello to the ladies?

Hello, sisters.

Good evening, brother. How do you do?

How are you, Woodrow?

You're looking healthy for a man of your age.

Oh? And might I say the same for you.

Thank you.

As a matter of fact, I hope I look that well

when I'm 70.

I beg your pardon, but I'll have you to know

that I haven't seen my 50th birthday.

Oh, well, I did. I saw your 50th birthday.

And it was 20 years ago, if I recall.

Woodrow, if you don't shut your double-breasted lips,

you gonna look awful the rest of your life.

Sister Esther?

Yes?

We have a little presentation we would like to make.

Yes, Sister Simpson?

"To Daniel..."

Will it be Anderson?

Well, uh, it takes about a year

before the adoption becomes final,

but if he decides to stay, then it'll be

Daniel Anderson forever.

Well, suppose you don't want me at the end of the year?

Oh, son, that's out of the question.

I want you now.

And a year from now, I'll want you 365 times more.

Just give it to him like it is, sister.

Give him what, Sister Cooper?

This Bible.

See, it has his name inscribed on it.

"Daniel Anderson."

Son...

bring it to church with you every Sunday when you come.

Isn't that wonderful, darling?

Yeah, it's a real nice present.

And I'll keep it to read.

But I won't be coming to church.

You see, I don't believe in God.

I'm coming, Elizabeth! It's the big one.

Oh, glory!

Well, you want to buy it?

There's a rag in it.

Uh, no, no, that's not a rag.

That's General Custer's handkerchief.

You're kidding.

And there's initials on it. There are?

Yeah. "F.S."

"Fred Sanford."

Uh, no, no, that's "First Sergeant Custer."

See, he got this handkerchief before he became a general.

How much?

Uh, $50 for the bugle and the invaluable handkerchief.

How much for just the bugle?

Uh, $49.95.

Oh, man! That's ridiculous.

Look here. Right, right, right.

I see that you love bugles. $35.

Goodbye.

All right, all right, I'll level with you.

This wasn't blown by Custer.

It was blown by a Private Brown during the invasion of Normandy.

Twenty dollars.

Okay, okay, wait a minute.

I'll tell you the truth.

Well, it was used by a Boy Scout

to bang on the drum in the parade last Thursday.

Fifteen dollars.

Oh, forget it, man.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I found it.

Five dollars!

You cheap turkey.

What's happening, Fred?

It's Uncle Fred.

Uncle Fred.

Uncle Fred Sanford.

You can drop the "Uncle," you can drop the "Fred,"

you can drop the "Sanford,"

and you can drop out of sight.

You too, huh?

Me too, what?

Don't want me around.

You can stay, but just let me frisk you before you leave here.

Hey, Daniel. What's happening, buddy?

Not too good, Lamont.

What's the matter? Everything, man.

I was wondering if you could drive me back to the home.

Why?

Because they don't want me.

Who don't want you?

Mr. and Mrs. Anderson.

Oh, come on, now, Daniel.

Whatever gave you that idea, man?

She said, "Get out of my house, heathen!"

That would do it.

Look, why don't you sit down for a minute, Daniel?

I'd just as soon get back to the home.

He'd just as soon get back to the home, Lamont.

I don't want to sit around here watching him steal.

I didn't steal that stuff.

I gave it back anyway.

Hmm.

All I did was borrow it.

Say, what did you borrow?

Some musical instruments.

Hey, man, I can't afford to buy it,

so I broke into this music store

and took some instruments and some lesson books.

And I got caught when I broke in to return them.

Man, I was only 10 years old.

Hey, listen, Daniel, that's all over with, man.

That's all behind you. That's the past.

I want to know why Aunt Esther

asked you to leave the house.

I said I didn't believe in God. That's all.

That's all?

Telling Esther there's no God

is like telling Jimmy Carter there's no more toothpaste.

Hey, Pop, would you excuse Daniel and myself for a minute?

For what?

Well, a little conversation.

You know, man to man.

Man to man?

Who do I look like, Doris Day?

Okay, young man to younger man.

I may be 68 years old, but I can still float like a butterfly

and sting like a bee.

You got anything to say, you can say it in front of me.

All right, how about son to son?

Make that dummy to dummy and I'll leave.

Okay, you got it.

All right, I'll go into the kitchen...

dummies.

Thank you.

Sit down, man.

Now, this is what I want you to do. See...

Who could that be?

It's Aunt Esther.

What does she want?

I asked her to come over.

Why?

The exterminator don't get here

till next Wednesday.

Oh, come on in, Aunt Esther, Uncle Woody.

What is it you want to tell me about that heathen child

I don't already know?

Who not only doesn't believe in God,

but he's also a thief.

Just goes to show you what happens to people

who don't believe in God.

Let him among us who is without sin

cast the first brick at Esther's face.

Watch it, sucker.

Aunt Esther, let me ask you a question.

Um, what difference does it make

whether or not Daniel believes in God?

What difference does it make?

The difference is that up until now

Daniel's never had a reason to believe in anything.

But that's all behind him now.

And he's got you and Uncle Woody,

and with your influence

he'll probably believe in God.

I think he needs you and Uncle Woody, Aunt Esther.

But he's a thief, Lamont.

No, he's not.

Excuse me. Am I next?

For what?

To buy something.

Well, you can see right by the...

the crowd here that we're very busy.

And you can see the customers milling around.

Um, less standing and more milling.

I'm looking for some junk I can use in a bicentennial pageant

that an Indian Guide group of mine is putting on.

For example, uh...

Oh, an old fife and drum or a bugle...

A bugle?

Did you say a bugle?

Of course you said a bugle!

You wouldn't lie to me, would you?

Here's a bugle. I just happen to have one.

It was the original bugle... It's $10.

Will it play?

Not by itself.

See, if you just take it home and try it,

and then if it don't work,

then that's because you might need lessons.

Oh. No, never mind. Thank you.

Just a second.

Let me see that for a minute, huh?

Better keep your eye on him, Fred.

Yeah.

How much did you say that was?

Uh, $15.

I thought you said 10.

That was without the floor show.

Okay, I'll take it. Thank you.

Not bad, Daniel.

Not bad. Not bad?

Darn good.

And he taught himself.

That's why he was arrested for borrowing them music books.

But you can't forgive that.

Not you. You hold that against him.

Anyone else would be proud to have a son like that,

but not you.

Look up in that Bible of yours, Esther,

and see if there's anything in there about forgiving.

Forgiving. You should be ashamed of yourself, Woody.

Hey, Lamont, take him back to the home.

Home?

He's not going to any home.

Except for the home of his mother and father.

Right, Father?

Right, Mother.

Right, son?

Right, Dad.

Dad!

Hot damn!

Woodrow!

Like father, like son.

Come on, let's go home.

Son.

Yeah, Pop?

Let me ask you something.

Mm-hm?

How come you never call me "Dad"?

Oh, I don't know.

I suppose it's because you're more of a "pop" than a "dad."

Really?

Well, "pop" this.

You know, you're really something... Dad.

Thank... Thanks... son.

There's some salad for you in the kitchen.

Oh, in the kitchen?

I know.

It's the original bugle used by Patton

to wake up his troops, right?

No, dummy, this is a real trumpet,

with real valves and everything.

Got to be worth at least $50.

How do you know that?

Because that's what I paid for it.

Fif... You paid...

Fifty dollars you paid for that?

Pop, what are we gonna do with a $50 trumpet?

Anybody that would be in the market to buy a $50 trumpet

wouldn't come to a junkyard.

Come in, Daniel.

What's happening, Lamont?

You wanted to see me, Uncle Fred?

Wow, that's a bad trumpet!

That's what I wanted to see you about.

You like it?

Hey, it's out of sight.

It's yours.

Oh, man, I can't take this.

This must have cost 50 or 60 bucks.

That old trumpet? No.

I picked it up real cheap, didn't I, Lamont?

Oh, yeah. He just polished it up to make it look good.

Hey, man, how can I thank you?

Do you know "Sugar Blues"?

Do you know that number?

No, but I promise I'll learn it for you.

Oh, hey. Listen, there's a mute that goes with it.

Don't forget the mute.

Oh. Hey, thanks.

But it doesn't fit.

Well, don't worry. We won't let it go to waste.

What do you mean?

Uh, you can stick it in your mother's mouth.

Oh, I'm sorry, Daniel.

Don't spoil it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Daniel.

I mean, you have a wonderful mother.

So try sticking it in your father's ear.