All language subtitles for Party.with.Me.2021.720p1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]-English

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

(scratching)

Okay it's about ready to get

Grapes of Wrath
up in this bitch.

Hi.

Okay.

All right.

Fuck.

Here we go.

Hi.

Hey.

(indistinct conversations)

Hi.

? ?

? If this makes you cringe ?

? Then you better
start walking away ?

? I said you turn back now ?

? If you don't want to see all
those things ?

? That you're asking of me ?

? (indistinct lyrics) ?

? Oh oh ?

? I'm no good,
I'm no good for you ?

? I'm no good,
I'm good for you ?

? ?

? ?

- Hey.
- Oh hey, you made it.

Yes and I'm about ready
to get Grapes of Wraths

up in this bitch.

Okay, what?

Um, grapes.

Thank you,
I'm gonna put this here.

- We're about to do some shots.
- Great.

Yeah, I can do shots,
I can do shots, yeah.

This is to uh,
what was your name again?

- Harper.
- Harper, this is to Harper.

Yeah, here we go.

Woo.

- Damn.
- I just sip it.

Let's party!

Woo!

- Where did you get her?
- Shots! Shots!

I'm not... I'm not saying
the president's a cyborg.

But what I am saying

is that there are two of them,
okay.

The real one wears the red tie

and the fake one
wears the blue tie.

Where are you getting this?
Where are you getting this?

Are you guys open to things?

- I don't, um...
- Like an open...

- Open... open.
- You can look it up

on the Internet!

The universe is shifting, okay?

Mandela effect.

The president?
The South African President?

- What are you guys into?
- I just wanna know

if this is like... are you
saying this for like me?

Or like for him?

'Cause that's where
I'm kind of like, eh.

That's for me to know
not for you.

The Monopoly guy does not
have a monocle.

- The Monopoly totally...
- Does not have a monocle.

- The peanut guy, I think.
- Yeah, the peanut guy

- definitely have a monocle.
- I'm allergic to peanuts.

So that has nothing
to do with this.

This is a new era
of spectrumism.

- It's the... it's...
- It's not gay or straight...

We only really know what the top
one percent wants us to know.

- Don't encourage.
- Dude.

Ah, see this?

That is what I'm saying.

No, no, no, absolutely.

I'm gonna go jerk off
thinking about you guys.

He's such a funny guy.

- He's funny, isn't he?
- That's what I'm saying, man.

They only tell us
what they want us to know.

They probably already found
the cure to cancer, you know?

All right.

Well, I have to take a shit.

Yeah, take a shit, man.

So, um, what's the show about?

It's a web series.

Mr. Cuddles' Tea Time.

The famous turtle on Instagram.

Have you not heard of him?

You never heard of him?

I don't know who
he is at all actually.

Mr. Cuddles Tea Time,
people fucking love this.

He's got a top hat.

- People love that turtle.
- Absolutely.

I don't understand,
how do you make a show

- out of a turtle?
- How do you not?

No, it's a talk show
and Cuddles is the host

and other celebrity pets
come on the show.

They drink tea, we hire voice
actors to speak for them.

It sounds crazy but pet
celebrities are huge right now.

Rob, Rob, Mr. Cuddles.

What do you think about
Mr. Cuddles?

- People love that turtle, man.
- See?

Hold on though, isn't that
animal cruelty though?

- No.
- No.

Everyone gets paid.

I think the turtle gets paid,
I assume.

Does anybody want a refill?

- Yes.
- Hard yes.

Cheers.

? ?

? Oo-ooo ?

? Oo-oo ?

? Haa-oo ?

? Haa-oo ?

(coughing)

Oh man.

? Everybody over here now ?

? Eeeee ?

- Let's start a band.
- He like seems to be

- in love with his best friend.
- No!

And um, sometimes he's just
there with his friend

and it's just like...

? ?

- Don't drive.
- No, no I'm gonna get an Uber.

What's crazy is that my parents
are still together.

- Oh that's...
- And it's crazy that...

it's crazy that my parents...
like, everybody here,

it's just all career.

That's why it's such
a flaky city.

That's why it's so much
bullshit here.

Everybody's just clawing
and hustling.

Nobody has like the core values.

I want kids,
I want to come home from work

and be like, "I love my job"
and my kids are like,

"Hey, dad, we love you"
and I'm like, "I love you."

- You know, right?
- Yeah.

It's simple.

Is that too much to ask?

I'm talking too much, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't even ask
what are you doing out here?

Are you teaching yoga?
Everybody's...

Did you not want me to kiss you?

Um.

Oh.

Oh my God,
I'm such a fucking idiot.

- I'm so sorry.
- No, it's just

I feel like I gave off...

I gave off the wrong impression.

Um, uh.

No, you just have to know
something about me

- which is that...
- Oh my God.

- You're gay.
- What?

You're gay, your hair
and your shirt and your teeth.

You clearly use
whitening strips.

- Thank you but...
- Oh my God.

I'm such a fucking dipshit.

I was gonna say
that I'm seeing someone.

I'm seeing a girl.

Oh.

You aren't gay?

I thought you were.

I thought you were sleeping,
are you listening to all this?

It's a spectrum, dude.

I think about dicks.

I'm really sorry.

I am still jetlagged

and I haven't had
anything to eat.

- It's fine.
- And I mean, the shots.

- Like, so sorry.
- No, seriously.

Don't feel bad,
it was a lot of fun

and we should do it more often.

Yeah, totally.

Are you sure you feel good
about getting home?

- I will walk you.
- I'm good, I promise.

- I have my mace with me.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Have a good night.
- All right, you too.

Peace.

? ?

? You said it's easier
the second time around ?

? But that's a lie, sir ?

? You said these girls
couldn't tell ?

? But no one loves a liar ?

? ?

? And I've been around
the block ?

? It's empty by the fire ?

? ?

? But no one takes me higher ?

? ?

? Your loving gets me higher ?

? And I know ?

? You're all I think about ?

? These days ?

? You're all I think about ?

? These days ?

? You're all I think about ?

? ?

? Calling Patron,
calling Patron ?

? Calling Patron,
calling Patron ?

? Calling Patron,
I've been drinking ?

? Just like the jackpot
I'm all ?

? You'll turned your back
on the wall ?

? I made a bet with the lord ?

? Won't stand for
no rats in my song ?

? I can't move backwards
for ya'll ?

(lyrics begin fading into
another song)

? Have you ever met Miss Lindy ?

? She's the gal with
the bright red hair ?

? Now she stands out
from all the rest ?

? You'd know her anywhere ?

? Well she's mine ?

? Yeah she's mine ?

Ugh.

(groaning)

Doesn't matter what I do.

Fuck it up.

Every time.

At the end of your message,
press one.

Hi, honey.

Can you call me
when you get this?

I'm gonna need you
to come home now.

(sobbing)

? ?

I love you very, very much.

? ?

Harper?

Oh my God.

- Sorry, I just um...
- What's wrong?

I was working on a scene
for acting class.

I just really got into it,
sorry.

What's your play about?

It's about the bleaching
in the coral reefs.

It's really fucking sad.

Yeah, you're right that is sad.

Think about it, the
temperature's gonna keep rising,

- we're all gonna fucking die.
- Well, you know what?

I have to sleep
for like two more hours.

Mr. Peterson's got another
colonoscopy again.

First one didn't take so, ugh.

So um, just try to keep
your global warming project

like a little down, sh.

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

I save fucking lives, Harper.

It's a real job,
you know what I'm saying?

Oh, that wine looks good.

It looks like something
that I would buy.

- Sorry.
- It's my last bottle, so.

Oh.

That's a lot of dishes.

Well, I was gonna clean them up
but you know...

All right, good night, Harper.

Night.

Fucking cunt.

? ?

Fuck.

? ?

(vibrating)

(alarm sounding)

(vibrating)

Ugh, man.

That's good batteries.

? ?

Come on.

(coughing)

? ?

Ugh.

Someone's calling on your phone.

Someone's calling on your phone.

Gotta pick it up,
gotta pick it up.

Someone's calling
on your phone.

Someone's calling on your phone.

Gotta pick it up,
gotta pick it up.

Someone's calling on your phone.

Museum of sodomy
and the dark arts.

Please hold.

So I've been watching
a lot of YouTube clips.

I think I perfected
my Australian accent.

- It's getting so good.
- So good.

Do you know shrimp on a barbie's
a racist term for a dingo?

- No?
- That's just sling

for throwing your pecker
into a kangaroo's pouch.

Hey Harp?

You coming to my show tonight,
right?

- Oh shit, that's tonight?
- My heart.

I told you,
I have to have you be there.

Yeah, I'm just fucking with you.

I'm coming.

Okay, cool.

Hey, it's a BYOB.

B your Bs but also,
could you B me a B?

That'd be G.

I don't think I'm gonna be
drinking at all

after last night.

Seriously?

(knocking)

- Oh, hello.
- You dick.

It is I, Edward
all of the alcohol

I had left in my cabinets hands.

Are you the little boy
that lives in the scary house

on top of the hill
at the end of the cul-de-sac?

My father made my heart
from a sugar cookie.

- Come drink with me.
- I don't want to.

But I taped all these things
to my fingers.

You gotta drink with me.

- Ah.
- Okay.

Just stay away
from my water bed.

Let's crack these open, huh?

(car honking)

Do you know, I think a had
a bit of a breakthrough

with my project.

The Santa Claus movie or?

That one's on hold right now.

I mean, sure, it shot up
two percent on Kickstarter.

Thanks for donating, by the way.

- Yeah, no problem.
- But I think I'm gonna put that

on hold for a little while.

My pop-up stand up,
the thing for tonight,

I got... I'm gonna attack it from
a slightly different angle.

- I think you're gonna like it.
- Oh, that's awesome.

- Yeah, it's gonna be good.
- So you thought about

- like open mics doing that or?
- Nah, no, no, no.

Open mics are dead.

You're not telling jokes
to people.

You're telling jokes
to comedians.

- That's true.
- They're the worst people.

I should know.

(cars honking)

Beautiful view.

So you got pretty swasted
at the party last night, huh?

I did get swasted.

Unfortunately,
it was not a party.

- At all, at all.
- So you did like a Home Alone.

You went all Kevin McCallister
on that shit.

- A little bit.
- Oh man.

- Oh, that's never good.
- Not really proud of that.

I tried to make moves
on my cute neighbor.

Mrs. Campbell?
She's like 87 years old.

No, not Mrs. Campbell.

Paul, like super hot Paul.

Oh yeah, gay Paul.

Gay for me probably but yeah.

I mean, I tried
to make it happen.

If I could give you
once piece of advice

it's never hook up
with your neighbors.

It's too embarrassing.

Taking out trash,
you're checking the mail

and you're like, oh,
look at all these coupons, huh?

- Huh? Remember me?
- Woo yeah.

Thanks for trying to put
your dick in me, Paul.

Ew, gross.

Wait, did you have sex
with Paul last night?

No but I wanted to.

Sorry, I got triple taken aback.

- He's cute.
- I just never thought of you

as the like...

fuck a guy kind
of like when you first meet him.

I would so fuck a guy.

- Oh my God.
- Yeah.

(cars honking)

Oh hey, what time is it?

Uh, three o'clock.

Oh shit, I gotta go prep.

Imma see you tonight, right?

With bells.

- Bye!
- Bye!

(cars honking)

(honking)

(phone dinging)

At the end of your message
press one.

Harper Lee, what up!

I think you just got back.

Uh, I don't want to bother you

but I do really need
you right now.

So if you could swing on by,
bring a swimsuit

and we'll hang
like a spa office meeting.

Get here like
as soon as you can.

Bye.

You know, I seriously doubt
my Uber's gonna let me

in the car like this.

? ?

Can we uh,
move the meeting on Thursday

cause I have uh, CrossFit now.

I didn't know
you were doing CrossFit.

Yeah, fucking awesome.

Well, I haven't done it yet

but it's just like awesome.

Oh, um, Buchwald emailed

and said that you have a couple
of meetings that day.

Sorry about that,
I forgot to tell yah.

- Seriously? For what?
- One is for an app commercial

and the other
is for a studio pilot.

Yes!

Are you fucking serious?

CBS? NBC? TBS?

It's actually Netflix.

Woo!

Streaming.

Fuck.

Streaming's the future.

Booo!

All right, I'll start CrossFit
next week.

Just call Vlad
and just have him reschedule.

He's in my phone
as "CrossFit Dude."

Or he may be
in my phone as "Vlad."

Okay.

Done and done.

- It's hot.
- Yup, we'll you know.

Its' 95 degrees on a roof
in a hot Jacuzzi.

Glad to have you back, Harper.

Glad to be back.

- Did anything cool?
- Cool?

'Cause I want you to know
you can talk to me.

Like if you ever feel
like you need to talk to me.

Oh yeah, you know, I'm fine.

- Thanks for asking.
- I know like technically

I'm your boss but I want us
to be like close friends.

Really?

Like talk about boys
and have sleepovers

and all that stuff?

Yeah, you serious?

I was schooled like on set.

Never had a sleepover
ever in my life.

Oh, I was kidding.

Sorry.

(chuckling)

Dude!

Love it.

That's why I like you.

'Cause you're funny.

It's good to laugh.

Humor heals.

Okay, so I'm just gonna
reschedule that CrossFit...

Yeah, I read statistically
friends talk about sex

like two to three times a day.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Like statistically on average.

Well, that seems
like valuable information.

How's your sex life?

Uh, my sex life?

Come on, I'm like talking
like friends.

We're friends,
friends talk about sex

I just told you that.

Okay, well,
thank you for asking, friend.

But um, there's really not one
to speak of so there's that.

What? Are you serious?

You're like awesome.

Thank you.

My friends have sex with
each other like all the time.

It relieves stress,
if you need me to...

Not in like a harassment way.

I'm just talking about like...

Okay, I'm good, thank you.

I'm open if you need it.

The gear?

Um, I'm actually gonna get these
notes started back home, okay?

What? Stay.

I got the NES Classic.
We can play Castlevania.

It's one-player,
you can like watch me play.

I'm sorry, I can't.
Thanks though.

Okay, you can play,
I'll watch you.

No, no, no, I mean,
I really can't.

I have a thing
to go to tonight.

No way, what's this thing?

I have a friend,
he's a comedian.

I fucking love stand-up,
are you serious?

Can I go?

It's not really stand-up
that he does.

- I can't explain it.
- Puppet stuff?

- You like puppets?
- Fucking love puppets.

Jeff Dunham's
like an inspiration...

more than an inspiration.

Can I go?

Sure, I could text you
the information.

Yes, I'm gonna go shit
and shower.

Text me the stuff, dude.

I will be there.

I'll see you there.

- Fuck.
- Hi, I'm Stinko,

the racist sock puppet.

Don't you just want to hear
some stand-up comedy from me?

No, because puppets are stupid.

Is it recording?

Is it good? Yeah we're good?

Okay, so you got it?

Hey! How's it going, I'm Dusty.

You're watching the second
episode of Pop-up Stand-up.

Tonight, we're downtown.

I'm gonna talk to transits
and transvestites.

I lived up in Silver Lake.

There were some raccoons
getting into the trash

and I thought for a second
maybe they were going for food

but I also thought maybe
raccoons

are just trying to steal
our identities.

Maybe that's what's happening.

Hey, fuck you, man.

Not cool, yeah.

We're live,
we're doing this live.

You're hilarious, man.

This guy likes it, I love it.

Fucking hilarious, blahh.

I didn't really write
any new material for this.

Ugh, ugh.

Ugh.

Sometimes I'll be like...

and then you hold.

And then you start going again.

And then you start going again.

That's one of
the best things possible.

We going anywhere else?

We're gonna go down subways.

We're gonna go into ramen shops.

We're gonna make a lot
of people mad at me.

- So you're a tailor?
- Yes.

Yeah, what do you tail?

? ?

You want to try
to guess his inseam?

- Yes.
- That's all right, man.

You can't do anything without
an app, you know what I mean.

'Cause when I was a kid
you would go outside and play.

That's just what we did,
we'd go outside.

I would run through the woods,
I'd hang out in a cul-de-sac.

- Excuse me, you can't be here.
- Cool man, nice to meet you.

Look, I'm just gonna finish
this up...

Listen, you can't be here.
You have no permit.

No, I got a permit,
I got a permit.

It's uh, could you read that
and tell me what it says please?

It says admit one. I'm the one.

Let me call George real quick.

Hey, isn't it fun to do live TV.

Hey, aren't you famous?

Yeah, dude, what's up, man?

Hey, how you been?

- Can I get a picture with you?
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- I'm on a live stream!

Hey, Greg, right on!

- Thank you, I appreciate it.
- No problem, no problem.

- Can he keep telling jokes...
- No, no, no.

You can stay, he can't.

We'll get out of here.

I'm just gonna finish
this joke then we're out.

Cool, thanks man.
Have a good one.

He can stay, you can't,
sorry about that.

That's very rude.

That was fun,
how many people we up to now?

Nine.

Uh, let's keep riffing.

Okay!

Happy hour place!

It's an Asian fusion
which is good.

- I like it...
- Oh, god!

Are you okay? Are you okay?

Are you okay?
Are you okay, Dusty?

(indistinct singing)

? ?

- I think you broke it.
- No, no, I didn't.

- No, you broke it.
- No, I really did not.

- I think you did a great job.
- Thank you so much.

Looks like you took a shell
off of a turtle's back

and then put duct tape on it
and you're wearing it.

I want to watch you...
Oh, he's taking it off.

- He's taking it off.
- I do this for a night.

I do about two hours
of running around

and by the end I have about
maybe 30 seconds of jokes

I want to revisit again
at another adventure.

I've seen an heirloom tomato.

I've seen a woman's genitals
and there's a connection there.

I don't know what the joke is
yet but it's there.

But it's like beautiful
and still tastes delicious.

Ugh.

- You're funny.
- Thank you so much.

- Should we go?
- I think we should go.

Let's just leave him.

- Bye.
- Bye.

(laughing)

My ex-girlfriend
used to always say

that she'd see shooting stars.

I felt like she just didn't know
what planes look like.

(laughing)

Dude, you gotta stop slaying me.

Yeah this place is incredible.

This is your place?

Um, yeah, it's mine.

Oh my God, Dusty,
check this shit out.

Somebody just said,
"This is the greatest livestream

I've ever seen.

Hands down, period."

Well, that's rad.

"Hands down, period."

- Hello!
- Who said that?

- Uh, Sarcastic Panda 27.
- Awesome.

Oh and your mom
says you're cute.

- Yup.
- Do you understand

how good that was?

Like literally bing!

And from the boom!

It was super amazing.

Right? This energy...

(indistinct chattering)

Sorcerer man.

He stays up there.

La boom!

With all love,
you know what I mean?

- That's intense.
- Delicious, yeah.

Harper here has been talking
about this all the time.

Like the sorcerer stuff
and the love.

- Yeah.
- So what is uh, sorry.

What is this dynamic?

Oh, like how we know each other?

I'm her boss, right.

Right, I'm his assistant, yeah.

I just had assumed
that you knew that I assist

Kyle Fairchild
from Greg's Room on ABC.

ABC Family, hit show.

Greg's Room. Yeah, of course.

It's all right,
you don't have to lie.

It's a shitty show.

No, it's... it's pretty good, man.

You got a TV gig,
it's billboards everywhere.

It gets me like all this
but sometimes it's like...

What's in here?

You know what I mean?

I mean, it's like
I don't know sometimes.

- But I feel good.
- Cool man, no,

thanks for letting me
up here though.

This has been a cool night.

My friend reps comics.

So you know what you need to do?

- Uh?
- You gotta get me that info.

I need you to send me right...

headshot, FB, Instagram,
you on Twitter?

- Get me your Twitter.
- Cool yeah, I can send you

my website
and all sorts of stuff.

Yeah, send it to Harper
and she'll like give it to me.

- Yeah, I mean.
- Cool. Hi, I'm Dusty.

Let's be friends.

This isn't a gift, this is
just my friendship for you.

And this is a gift, okay.

Hold on, look at this.

Boom, boom, boom.

Boom.

Wha-wha-wha-woah.

Yeah!

Sparkling, uh, grape juice.

Cool, I'm not usually
like a sweets guy.

Yeah, I mean yeah,
I'm spiking it with whiskey.

Fucking awesome.

This is called
the whiskey sandwich.

It's a play on a PB and J?

- Yeah.
- Okay, that kind of makes sense

- I guess.
- To a wonderful, new friendship.

I'm cool with that.

New found friendship.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

That's actually... that's actually
really good.

- Whiskey sandwich.
- That's actually really good.

There's a party tonight.

Right here, downtown, like
right under that green building.

It's at this like
art space/hair salon.

Actually, it's like a loft

with cool art in it

and you can get your haircut

for like 300 bucks.

Oh wow, what a deal.

Fucking party with me, dude!

- You're coming!
- I'm probably just gonna

- head home honestly.
- Dude what?

We're gonna have alcohol.

I will literally buy you
a haircut for this.

- There's gonna be weed.
- I mean, I'm down to party.

- Okay, I'll get the Uber.
- Who's in?

I'm legitimately nervous.

? The scene is getting crowded ?

? Imma ride my own wave ?

? I don't need your approval
imma go my own way ?

? My daddy told me to be
first and finish last place ?

? The world show me one
way imma go my own ?

(indistinct speaking)

Can I get anymore... Dude,
do you have any limes in there?

(laughing)

I think I'm gonna get just
a little bit off the top.

Should I go Flock Of Seagulls
or Michael McDonald?

Dude, I gotta start
going to these

art/haircut places more often.

? You know what that means ?

? Your team is taking
more L's than the DNC ?

I'm doing this just to get
the hairs on the inside

to piece together.

The only parts I'll smoosh
in are on the sides.

Because those sides
are always poofed up.

- I love it!
- Just to get the hairs

on the inside to piece together
not to just gel it down.

I'm on uh, Bitcoin Cash.

I blow dry my hair and now
it looks like thick as fuck.

But if you don't, of course,

I can tame it down if I want

just because of the blow dryer.

Or we can go back
to Dragon Ball Z.

Time out real quick.

I'm fucking high.

? I'm so high right now ?

? The smell of success
got me so lean right now ?

? Tracks upon tracks ?

? I got them stacked up now ?

? I try to try tell them
know their role ?

? They want to act up now ?

Sick, sick, perfect.

? ?

Okay.

? ?

? And the water stream
will guide you home ?

? Baby salmon ?

? Yeah the water stream
will guide you home ?

? Baby salmon ?

? Yeah the water stream
will guide you home ?

? Baby salmon ?

? The water stream will guide ?

? The water stream will guide ?

? That salty stream will guide ?

? You home ?

? Home ?

Anyway, that's from
the remix stuff.

Yeah my friend Charlie
wrote the music

and I did like everything else.

- Sounds sick, dude.
- Thanks for listening

- to Salty Stream.
- The salmon, uh,

they stream upstream though,
yeah?

Yeah, sure do.

How could the water guide
them home

if it's literally
just pushing them back?

They swim in fresh water.

- It's more of a metaphor.
- Yeah, I liked it.

Good insight I see, thank you.

- And they're adults.
- Looks like you need

a little refresher
on your cocktail.

Can I get you a Moscow mule?

I love Moscow mules.

Well, okay.

See if we got any fresh...

Oy, you got some limes?

Fresh limers?

Limers.

He got the part
that water's wet.

(laughing)

He's so good.

Hey, thanks for coming
to my show tonight.

- Seriously, that was huge.
- Yeah, of course.

I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

It's really nice to know
that there's someone

in this town who has my back.

It can be kind of a selfish,
soulless place.

I'm not sure if you knew that.

You know I invited
like 30 people

to come help out with the show?
No one showed up.

You're the only person
that showed up.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Pf, their loss.

I can't even tell you
how many times

I go and see one-man shows.

I can't even get one person
to help me out.

I get it, you know, people
have their own shit going on.

For a city just full of artists,

you'd think that people would
be more supportive

of each other's projects
and endeavors.

Should be the exact opposite
of that.

We need to come together
and be a community.

Alone, we can illuminate
the light within ourselves

to cultivate art
that is self examined,

curious, new, and original,
but together

we can illuminate
the light in the universe

to create art that is cognizant,

aggressive and powerful.

Squares in a cosmic
Rubik's Cube.

We're just different shapes
of selfish ambition.

Twisted and lost, incomplete.

But if we work together,

if we truly work together

we are a star.

? ?

Are you a God?

? ?

No, my name is Marcus

but my people call me Truth.

Ya'll should come check out
my poetry slam next week.

I don't rhyme, I keeps it real.

So you like the X-Files?

Hells yah, man.

Scully is the OG
of the alien finding business.

The bitch had... what was it?

Section 54 Arizona,
whatever that shit is called.

- Area 51.
- Can you give me my card back?

- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- Yeah, I gotta use this

for other parties but you
remember the Instagram info,

- right?
- Right, yeah.

Cool, keep creating.

Okay, bye.

Is it bad after the whole spiel

if we don't go
to Marcus' poetry slam?

Can I ask you a question?

Is it about the universe?

Oo.

No.

Do you think I have a chance?

Any chance at all?

What do you mean?
Like with comedy?

No, to get laid
at this fucking party tonight.

Seriously dude,
I think you're one of the most

funny, inventive artists

I've ever had the pleasure
of knowing.

I think... I think
you can hit it big.

- Thanks Harper.
- You're welcome.

Fucking love you, dude.

I fucking love you too, bro.

Hey, do you wanna get fucking
stupid at this party

then go eat some super late
night Mexican food?

- Oh, fuck yeah.
- Cool, help me up.

All right, oh my god.

No, push your foot
off of my foot.

- Find the fulcrum.
- Oh my god.

- I can't do it.
- You ever had a Moscow mule

made by a TV star before?

- Yeah.
- Really?

? If I take you down would
you really hold me down ?

? I'll be your best friend ?

? She just wanna hit me
with a quickie ?

? By the bullet
and I'm like yes ma'am ?

? ?

? The way you got me fiending
for your body ?

? You might turn me
to a yes man ?

? Oh yeah ?

? 80 in a 40 ?

? I'm on nerve ?

? Bitch I'm flyer
than your ex man ?

? Keyes, Keyes, Keyes
Keyes on Van Nuys ?

? Keyes, Keyes, Keyes ?

? Keyes on Keyes on Van Nuys ?

Hey, Harper.

Oh hey, Paul.

What are you up to?

Just walking to my apartment.

Oh, cool.

Is everything okay?

Yeah uh...

I'm just, uh, I'm tired.

Okay, just gonna keep walking
to my apartment.

Yeah.

Jenn broke up with me.

Yeah.

Wow, sorry.

I've just been kind of
a wreck in there

and then uh,
I watched that movie

My Dog Skip.

- Why did I do that?
- It's brutal.

The first half of the movie,
you know, it's so happy

and then the second half is...

Shits all over your heart.

It totally shits on your heart.

So you like need somebody
to talk to?

Oh my god, yes,
that would be so great.

I have beer, I've got wine.

The little bottles,
the Sutter Home ones.

Jenn, uh,
she loved those bottles.

- Paul?
- Yeah?

Oh, god, I'm sorry.

No pants, hold on sorry.

Sorry.

That is so embarrassing.

I'm embarrassed.

It happens all the time
I'm sure.

I think to walk around
my apartment naked

when I'm alone.

I don't know,
the bottle half off

it's like there's
a little breeze.

I don't know, I don't know.

It's weird, right?

No, it's nice.

Maybe I can help you
with the top half?

? ?

This is not at all
what I expected to happen.

(indistinct shouting),
it's a one night thing?

This can be something, is this...

Okay, shut the fuck up, Paul.

? ?

Man, I haven't stopped drinking
since the flight home.

Really?

Kick ass, man.

I think I'm an alcoholic though.

You are not an alcoholic.

I mean, how do you know?

Because my brother
is an alcoholic

and I know what one looks like

and you, my friend, are not one.

I'm drinking shitty wine at 3AM.

I just drunk fucked my neighbor.

How could I not be one?

Okay, do you wake up
craving alcohol?

Do you need alcohol
to physically function

- during the day?
- No.

Then you're not an alcoholic.

Yeah, you have
a drinking problem.

A lot of people who drink do.

Okay, so what's the difference,
Dr. Phil?

People that use alcohol
to numb pain in their lives

have a drinking problem
and some of those people

never solve those problems.

Those people
will become alcoholics.

Can you pass me another one?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

Here you go.

Did you learn this at like
an AA meeting or something?

No, I read it on a menu.

It's where I get all
of my definitive information.

How you feeling, by the way?

Oh, um, I came, thanks.

That's not what I meant,
I meant with like, you know,

your family stuff.

How are you?

I'm fine, it's fine.

I wasn't trying
to overstep any boundaries.

No, it's okay.

If you want to talk
about anything I'm... I'm

- you know, I'm here.
- Okay, yeah.

Okay.

Hey, it's not gonna get
like weird, right?

No, I don't think it
was gonna get weird

until like a little bit later.

Like a wedding chapel
or something.

Well, my parents are expecting
a child soon... a boy preferably.

So if you want to get on that
sexual position research

- that would be fantastic.
- Jokes on you buddy,

because I don't believe in
traditional gender roles.

You're gonna get whatever it is.

I hope it's a snake.

I can't believe you fucked him.

This like towel move, dude.

You know he was totally naked
on purpose, right?

I don't know, he seemed
genuinely unaware of it.

Oh yeah, okay, so he was
watching My Dog Skip

completely naked,
that makes sense.

That's fucking weird, dude.

Weird or totally cute?

I don't know, it just depends
on the size of his erec...

Knock it off!

Oh, you are so gonna get it.

Do you really think he did it
on purpose?

Are you still drunk? Yes.

Oh my god,
that changes everything.

Yeah, things are definitely
gonna get awkward

near the mailbox.

What did I just say?

Knock it off.

You got five seconds, hot shot.

One, two.

Three... Yup,
that's what I thought.

Is it okay with their parents
that you're doing this?

They don't give a shit.

- Look at them.
- Seriously, I don't know

if the old lady's
gonna let me go, man.

I'm at this stupid park
with my kids.

I'm a goddamn saint.

Yeah but you're not even
a babysitter.

Listen, in love kids.

I love them,
that's why I do this.

I can't have any of my own.

- You never told me that.
- Well, not medically.

I just... I just
can't squeeze something

the size of Peter Dinklage
out of my vagina.

I'm sorry I just can't.

I can definitely squeeze
something the size

of Peter Dinklage in my vagina.

- Eh.
- Eh, eh, eh.

Eh, eh, yeah,

Cause I could have Tyrion play
with my dragon eggs any day.

Look, I come here
during my lunchbreak

and pretend I have my own
because it's easy

and it's oddly comforting.

Have you ever considered
adoption maybe, or?

Oh, god no.

And deal with like dirty diapers

and deep seeded adolescent
trauma?

No, I'm just fine, I'm good.

Hey!

I'm always catching that one
trying to take girl's dolls.

What if he really likes
playing with dolls.

Oh shit, you know,
I didn't even think about that.

I'm a horrible fake parent.

So um, by the way, how are you?

Being back and stuff.

It's fine.

I'm fine.

Yeah? How's your mom?

She's doing the best she can.

I mean, we just really
didn't have a lot of time.

We only found out a month ago.

It's so fucked.

So hey,
you want to hang out tonight?

I don't know,
I have a PTA meeting.

- What?
- It's a serious problem.

Girl, yeah!

You need to remember
you're still young.

You need to be
your youthful self.

My youthful self? Oh my god.

I don't have a youthful self,
Harper.

I work a stressful
nine to five job

where I'm underappreciated.

I can't find anyone in this town

who isn't at least 75 percent
sociopath or a vegan.

Hey, vegans are cool.

Vegans fucking suck!

But they have great baked goods.

You know, I think I'm just gonna
be single my whole life.

The only time that I am youthful

is when I watch Stranger Things
with my dog in a onesie.

Come on girl, you are great

and you need to come
and hang with me.

I've been on a two-day bender.

I say we make
it a solid trilogy.

Remember the times
that we didn't have schedules

or plans or anything like that?

- Yeah, I mean, it was awesome.
- It was awesome.

Except for the part
where I had no money.

Cheap thrills, bitch.

Come on!

- Ow.
- Come on!

- Stop!
- Come on!

Stop, okay, fine.

I'll bring more brownies.

You have magical brownies? Oh!

Yeah my boss got them
for me last year

when I went to Portland,
I didn't need them.

How could you not need them?

Haven't you been to Portland?

Hey, you are so gonna get it.

Hey... hold on a sec,
are you talking to my kid?

Yeah because you're
on your fucking phone.

- Mind your own business, lady.
- Wake up, daddio.

This is my job,
I'm doing my job, okay.

- I'm working stocks.
- Okay, well, congratulations

on your stocks,
I'm watching your child,

- I'll send you an invoice.
- I'm a doctor, okay?

You're a doctor?

I've met you so many times
outside Wholefoods.

I think he's actually calling
the cops.

- Okay well then let's just go.
- Okay, come on, no, no, no.

Do you want me to grab
the blanket?

It's not even mine, let's go.

I'll see you man,
I'll bring a twelver.

- Hey.
- Hi.

How are you, uh, feeling?

Feeling all right.

Great, Jesus,
that's a lot of coupons.

Nah, I know, I just...
I haven't had a chance

to check it in a while.

- Sorry.
- That's okay.

So, what are you up to tonight?

Not feeling so well,
I think I need to go upstairs

- for a little bit.
- You okay?

All of a sudden
not feeling too good.

Not feeling good, like,
not like in a pregnant way,

though, right, not like...?

No, Paul.

I'm just... okay, feel better.

Fuck.

Oh, shit, oh, this is not good.

? ?

(rustling)

? ?

Mom, Mom.

? ?

What do you mean you don't know
when he's coming home?

Okay, but, Ma,
I'm sorry about calling,

just never mind,
I'll call you back.

? My miss Lindy ?

? Well I love that little girl
with fiery hair ?

? ?

(clinking)

God damn Flora where'd
you put the fucking wine.

? Well Miss Lindy,
my Miss Lindy ?

? Well I love that little girl
with fiery hair ?

Fuck!

? She likes to dance all day ?

? And when she does
her rock and roll ?

? It take your breath away ?

? Well she's mine ?

? Yeah she's mine ?

? Well I love that
little girl she's so fine ?

? Well Miss Lindy's hair
is fiery red ?

? Her eyes are water blue ?

? And when Miss Lindy
smiles at me ?

? Oh what it makes me do ?

? Well she's mine ?

? Yeah she's mine ?

? Well I love that little girl
cause she's so fine ?

(sighing)

? ?

? All your little friends must
think I'm blind ?

? Don't see when you're going
out at night ?

? I know just where you are ?

? Sleeping past the break
of day ?

? I don't believe
a word you say ?

? I'll see right through you ?

? No no no no only my friends
are telling me to run ?

? Telling myself
no one I can trust ?

? I gotta get going
gotta break... ?

(distant siren blaring)

(knocking)

? ?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- How are you tonight?
- Good.

Great.

Movie night.

Ah, what are you watching?

My Dog Skip.

(whirring)

Um, the first half is great,

and then it, uh...

then it kinda tanks.

Julie, ooh!

You're a big fucking cooter.

Hey, uh, slut?

Uh, you feeling better, Harper?

Shit, fuck.

Feeling a lot better,
thank you so much,

had an orange.

- Get the fuck in here.
- Harper, what?

- Come here.
- Oh, okay, nice meeting you.

? ?

You too.

? ?

- Not good.
- Getting the party started

without me, huh?

Did you know that kangaroos
have three vaginas?

I learned it right there

on the television.

The church of our life, man.

Yeah, that's... wild.

(chuckling)

Wild, that's such a good pun.

That's such a Big Pun.

? I don't wanna be
a player no more ?

? I ain't a player,
I just fuck a lot ?

Oh, wow,
you're fucking drunk, dude.

I'm not drunk,
I am cogent.

Drink this.

Ugh.

I'm waiting for this forever.

(chuckling)

(choking)

This isn't vodka.

Poor people vodka.

- Water.
- You know, maybe we should

- just hang out another night.
- No, no,

because if we don't
hang tonight,

then we won't watch
Girl With the Pearl Necklace,

and then we won't watch
Scarlet do the little baby...

- You're a little drunk.
- And you're a little bit

of a bitch.

What is going on, Harper?

I'm fine, I barely even drank.

Okay, well tell that to
the whiskey bottle right there.

? ?

I'm fine, I barely even drank.

Have you been drinking all day?

(retching)

Harper.

Harper.

? ?

(vomiting)

(retching)

I didn't know I had Qdoba.

Round two, bitches!

(grunting)

Oh, my God, let's get naked
and praise the moon.

Woo, come on, girl!

Scarlett Johansson!

Woo, round two!

(chuckling)

Oh, come on, all right,
magical brownies.

Did you bring the brownies?

You know what, you really need
to just slow down.

What are you talking about?
It's Friday.

It's Saturday,
but that's besides the point.

You need to
take it down a notch.

Okay, thank you, Flanders.

Okay, Harper, what is going on?

- Nothing's going on.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- By the looks of it,

a lot is going on.

- Okay, Dr. Phil.
- Great references.

What is so funny?
I'm being serious.

Oh, my God, I thought tonight
was girls' night, man.

No rules, no schedules.

I didn't realize I was
gonna get a fucking lecture.

I'm not trying to lecture you,
I'm just trying to see

- if you're okay.
- Why does everybody

keep asking me if I'm okay?

I'm fine! You know what,
if you want me to be something,

you tell me what you want me
to be and I'll be it.

Until then,
just shut the fuck up!

(indistinct TV noises)

Your father just passed away.

Look, I get it.

You can be any way you want,
I just don't want you

to be destructive.

You know what,
you're right, Julie.

We just need to do this
another time.

I'm standing right here

if you need to talk.

You just need to go, Julie.

Just leave me alone.

(indistinct TV noises)

Okay.

Just... I gotta be alone.

Bye.

Here, this'll help
with your hangover.

Just eat one piece of one, okay?

'Cause they're really powerful.

You know if you need anything,
you can just call me, right?

Mhm.

Okay, thank you.

Okay.

(jingling)

(indistinct TV remarks)

...Woodpeckers that can be found
all around the world.

It's so cool
how animals are fooled!

Did you know that sharks
have no bones?

- There's no bones about it.
- Are you an animal?

You must be cool!

? ?

(screaming)

? ?

(screaming continuing)

? ?

(shrieking)

? ?

(texting)

(text message beeping)

? ?

(text messages beeping)

? ?

(indistinct TV remarks)

? ?

Good luck with your
laser tag business, man.

Thank you, bye.

? ?

I love my job!

(horn honking)

(whirring)

? ?

(overlapping remarks)

? ?

(clinking)

? ?

(chaotic piano playing)

? ?

There she is!

Here I is.

Harper, this is Christine,
Christine, this is Harper.

- Hi.
- Hey, yeah, Dusty told me

- all about you.
- Mm, he must've told you

I have a tendency
to try to kill pretty ladies.

Don't worry, you'll be fine.

(chuckling)

Uh, so Christine's a writer,

- and super funny.
- Hm, writer.

It pays the bills, yeah,
so I like it.

Cool, do you write,
like, books or plays?

Um, so I have a blog
that I am working on mostly,

but I'm also
writing a children's book.

It's about
the Spanish Inquisition,

but you know, like,
for kids obviously.

It's cool,
I think you'd like it.

Neat, awesome, so there's
alcohol at this party, cool.

- Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, there is.

Harper Lee!

- Harper Lee!
- Oh, my God, Kyle,

- what are you doing here?
- It's my friend's party.

The agent, I invited Dusty.

- Did you tell her?
- Oh, my God, wait,

- tell me what?
- Uh, his friend's gonna rep me.

What, really, wait, when, how?

Kyle showed him some of
the clips from the live stream,

- and fucking loved 'em.
- Oh, my God, that's amazing.

- I know.
- My boy

thinks he's the next Zala...

Zach Galifianass.

- Galifianakis.
- Yeah.

He's flattering me,
no, it's just...

it's not that big of a deal,
it's not that big of a deal.

- I'm so happy for you.
- Thank you very much.

- It's very cool.
- When you're as grown up,

you're as growned up,
swingers, right?

- Oh, right.
- Oh, my God!

You know what we need to do?
We need to celebrate.

You wanna do shots?
We should do some shots.

No, I'm not drinking tonight.

- Come on.
- No, I'm not drinking tonight.

- Don't be a pussy, Dusty.
- Okay, well I'm not

being a pussy,
last night I went too hard.

Forget about you...
Rebecca, me, you.

Christine... I got wine, I'm good.

Thank you.

Okay, Kyle, my man.

Everybody's being
a bunch of party pussies.

- You wanna drink with me?
- I'm giving you the...

the arm of... of glory.

You have my axe!

(chuckling)

Be safe!

? ?

She's nice.

? ?

Know what I mean?

Nope.

Crypto currency

is... okay...

okay, so there are
these book chains.

(indistinct remarks)

Block chains, and, um,

basically what it is
is that in the future

you will be able
to do everything

through your phone.

Uh, don't we already use
our phones for everything?

(chuckling)

(overlapping remarks)

Yeah, but,

block chains.

Block chains.

Excuse me, I'm gonna interject.

Are you talking about
crypto currency?

- Yeah.
- Oh, dude,

- I just got into Space.
- No fucking way.

Dude, I'll send you
some Ethereum.

- Rad.
- What's your wallet address?

- Do you have your QR code?
- No, it's all up in here, baby.

- Whoa.
- Iron trap.

I can just tell it to you,
you wanna write it down?

Yeah, no, I have a good memory,
I'm an actor.

- Perfect, all right, you ready?
- Yeah.

- X, X, X...
- X, X, X...

- ...3, 4, 7, 1...
- ...3, 4, 7, 1...

- Upper case J.
- Upper case J.

- Lower case J.
- Lower case J.

Upper case J again.

(trickling)

Okay, repeat everything I said
just back to me.

- X.
- Okay.

- 6.
- Okay.

- 4.
- Okay.

- 1.
- Doesn't sound right.

You have it
written down somewhere?

(sighing)

I gotta call my wife.

(overlapping remarks)

- How much you have in?
- I gotta call my wife!

Dude, fuck.

I don't even know what it is.

Me either.

This party fucking blows, man.

Let's go light it up.

Do they have karaoke
or something?

- They have that here?
- Okay.

- Yay!
- Oh!

(vocalizing unintelligibly)

Rock on!

? I was like, oh, my God,
what did I do ?

? To deserve this,
what did I do ?

? The justice system is fucked,
the justice system is fucked ?

My dresser drawer,
it'll be on the back

of the frame broiler receipt.

Sheila,
it's a legitimate market.

(vocalizing)

? ?

(applauding)

Holy fuck.

(clapping)

Woo!

(applauding)

Somebody make me
a fucking Moscow Mule.

Yeah, I can!

Anybody have any limes?

No, when I go to the zoo
I don't go to the giraffes.

I just don't go to the zoo,
there's all sorts

- of terrifying monsters there.
- I know, it's really like...

Have you seen
how slow turtles move?

- No.
- No.

- That's cool, like I don't...
- Who writes a children's book

about the Spanish Inquisition?

(slurping)

That seems awesome.

(streaming)

"I'm a writer," ugh.

(slapping)

? Who is in the house babe ?

? Who is in the house,
who is in the house babe ?

? Maya's in the house ?

You need to be a singer.

- I am a singer.
- No, I mean like a real singer.

I would buy your album, like...

(snapping)

That fast, like that.

Thank you.

I wanna be a dancer.

Like ballet, or...?

- Hip-hop.
- No way.

Seriously,
I even wrote my own raps

from, like, 7th grade

- until senior year.
- Oh, wow.

I just love the art form.

You know, it's like my, uh...

- my dream.
- What about acting, though?

Uh, guess I just kinda
fucking hate it right now.

- No, you love it.
- No.

You're doing so well right now.

I really don't.

I'm on a stupid fucking
ABC Family show.

I have the same three lines
every episode.

"Greg, I'm home!"

Cue audience applause
that's fake.

- Credits roll.
- What about the, um...

what was it...
the drug addiction episode?

Oh, my God, like,

chopped onions, bawled
my eyes out, man.

(overlapping conversations)

Okay, it did suck a big dick.

A big old dickie!

But, also gained me, like

a big old checkie!

Which is cool,
'cause I basically had nothing.

I had my place.

Just got some cool clothes,
cool beanie, but...

- But what?
- I don't know.

- I'm just...
- But what?

? ?

I just wanna, like...

I wanna dance, hip-hop.

I wanna, like, teach
underdeveloped kids.

You know, like,

give back something.

- I wanna...
- Kyle.

Hm?

You know what
you need to do now.

No, I don't, what?

I need you to dance

right now.

(chuckling)

- I'm serious.
- Here, what,

- in front of all these people?
- Yeah.

- Just watching.
- Absolutely.

No way, I'm not gonna...

- Are you serious right now?
- I am so serious.

I'm not gonna, like...
are you seriously serious?

- I am seriously serious.
- Are you serious?

I am serious.

'Cause I carry this with me
wherever I go.

Oh, dude.

(clicking)

? ?

? Mortal Kombat ?

? ?

? Sonic bass ?

? ?

? Mortal Kombat ?

? ?

(chuckling)

Who fucking threw that?

Who the fuck threw that?

Who fucking threw that?

Who fucking...?

Just kidding, power acting.

Robert De Niro!

? ?

? Mortal Kombat ?

? ?

? Mortal Kombat ?

? ?

? Sonic bass ?

? Gonna drop the bomb
on you, baby ?

I love that song, like, so much.

- I love that song.
- ? It's a... drop a bomb on me ?

? Baby,
you dropped a bomb on me ?

- I've never been a bird guy.
- Oh, my gosh, I know,

I think the scariest animal
to me is a giraffe.

? Baby, boo ?

- And my dad is like... whoa.
- Whoa.

What is that?

? Dropped a bomb on me ?

- ? Baby ?
- Are you throwing limes?

- Goddamnit!
- Maybe.

I'm only gonna
ask you this once,

I need you to
rind your own business, okay?

That was
a really funny dad joke.

That was a solid dad joke.

Thank you,
I'll be here all week.

Yeah, you wanna
tell one about my dad?

Huh?

You wanna tell a dad joke
about my dad?

All right, I'm sorry
I brought that up.

'Cause they're
really, really funny,

because my... my dad is dead.

My dad died, it's so...

- Uh...
- ...funny.

Sorry, Harper, I didn't...
I didn't mean to.

"I'm so sorry, Harper,
I didn't mean to say..."

(unintelligible)

You're being a little child,
seriously.

- Oh, I'm being a little child?
- I think we should, uh...

I am not the one that's
walking around all day long

with brick walls
strapped to my back,

telling jokes to people
in food courts

that they don't even wanna hear.

- Are we being serious right now?
- I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding.

Rebecca, you know what...
you're Rebecca?

It's Christine, actually.

That... you know what, you know.

You know that I know...

- Let's... let's do some shots.
- No.

- Let's do some shots.
- No, no, no, no, no.

No, we're not doing...
no fucking way.

You've had
more than enough to drink.

You've had enough to drink
for everybody fucking here.

Yeah, because they're
a bunch of fucking pussies.

- Don't tell me what to do.
- Dude, serious...

- Goddamnit.
- I can drink whatever the fuck

- I want, leave me alone!
- Clearly not.

Yes, I can, you don't even
give a shit about me!

- That's fucking bullshit!
- No, it's not!

- I'm trying to fucking help you.
- You're the one that's

- supposed to be helping me.
- I am fucking helping you

- right now.
- With fucking Veronica Mars

over there...
look at those fucking glasses.

Are you fucking
kidding me right now?

- They're prescription.
- You don't even like her!

- Leave her out of this, this...
- No, I won't!

This is about you and you being
a fucking bitch right now!

- You're being the asshole!
- You're a fucking asshole!

You're supposed to be
having fun with me,

and you're not doing anything
but hanging out with that girl!

Everybody... everybody's trying
to fucking help you

and you're being
a shithead to everyone!

- Fuck you, fuck you!
- Fuck you, fuck you!

You're supposed to know better,
you know that my dad died!

My father is dead,

and you don't give a shit.

Nobody is ever here with me,
I'm alone!

I am always laughing,
I am always fun,

and it's like
I don't even have a voice!

I'm sorry your father's dead.

(sobbing)

But now, this party's dead.

Oh, fuck, sorry.

Don't... no... I'm sorry...
no, no, no, no, yes, I am.

- Damnit.
- Let me fucking smack you!

- Let me slap you!
- I'm not gonna let you

- hit me again, stop.
- She's got problems, dude.

Stop, stop, stop.

Stop, stop.

(unintelligible)

Don't, please... sorry, everyone.

Come on, I just need
to get some more whiskey.

- Come on, let's get it.
- No, no, no, no, nope.

- No, come on, come on, come on.
- No, I just need...

- No, we're going.
- Let go of me!

We're going, we're going.

I just need some more whiskey.

Don't slam the door.

(slamming)

Heavy stuff, right?

Yeah.

You have any coke?

Have you ever been
to the desert?

I'm gonna take you home,
it's gonna be okay.

- All right.
- Okay, I don't need your help.

(sighing)

Oh, I need your help,
I'm gonna puke, hold my hair.

Okay.

(retching)

(coughing)

(groaning)

Okay, yep.

(sobbing)

? ?

You're all right.

? ?

It's okay.

(crying)

? ?

Come on, let's go.

- Let's go.
- Let's do it.

Okay.

I'm gonna drive you home,
girl, get up.

Make your feet work,
make your legs work.

All the way up, all the way.

(groaning)

I got your purse.

? ?

Ugh, fuck.

So, what are you?

(slurping)

I'm a comedian.

(clinking)

What are... what are you?

I save lives.

(deeply inhaling)

(groaning)

(grunting)

Oh, yes.

Mm.

(burping)

I thought Harper told me that
you were a dental hygienist.

Just because I wear scrubs
that doesn't mean

- I work for a dentist.
- Oh, because I always...

(overlapping remarks)

Hey, hey!

Morning, sunshine.

Oh, wow.

You look really bad.

Pop a seat here,
let me make you a plate.

- Alrighty.
- Good morning.

I am off to work.

On a Sunday?

Yep, no rest for
the convalescent.

Actually that's all they do.

The eggs were okay,
thank you, Justin.

- It's Dusty.
- Uh-huh.

Finally met your ghost roommate.

Roommate?

But, I don't have a roommate.

Whoa!

No, but seriously,

she is the worst.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

(indistinct TV voices)

Hey, I hope you don't mind,
I had to, uh...

I had to steal a sweatshirt
from you since you

donked all over me last night.

Ugh, God.

I'm so sorry.

- Don't worry about it.
- I feel so stupid.

Ah, you're not stupid,
you just drink too much.

It's not a big deal.

My dad sent me a card
in the mail.

Oh, God, it's so weird,
it's just from him.

Probably the first card
I've ever gotten just from him.

He must've sent it while he was
in the hospital or something,

I don't know,
but I can't look at it.

You haven't read it?

No.

I don't know, I... I can't do it.

Oh, God, I have
so many memories of him

from when I was a little kid.

He'd just make me laugh.

Whenever we'd leave
a restaurant,

he'd grab toothpicks,
and shove 'em

in between his teeth,
and so when we got in the car,

he'd turn around and be like,
"Got anything in my teeth?"

(chuckling)

God, he was such a dork,
but I loved it.

And then, time went on,
and Dad started going away

a little bit more.

And then, it was
replaced with comments

about how I'm not good enough,
or smart enough,

or thin enough
for any of that stuff.

I thought it was just
gonna go on for a little bit,

like he was in a bad mood
or something,

but it went on for years.

Pissed me off so much.

Like all I did

was try to make him smile,

I'd try to make him laugh.

Tried to make him proud of me.

Nothing worked, so,

I just said, "Fuck it,
it's not worth my time,

I give up."

Then, he got cancer.

So, I flew home and all that.

I was expecting the same person,
I was expecting that asshole

that had been around
for so many years.

? ?

And it was him again,
from when I was a little kid.

He was telling jokes,
and having a good time,

and giving us hugs,
and everything.

It was everything I ever wanted.

? ?

And then, he died.

I can't open that letter
because if I do

it's gonna remind me
of everything I was cheated.

All that time, and for what?

He's gone, and all I have
is a fucking card.

Why would he do that?

Maybe he was afraid, uh...

Of his own daughter?

Afraid of being powerless,

or not living up to
his expectations or yours.

Such a waste of fucking time.

I can't live my life like that,
I won't do it.

I would think...

If that's the case, I think
you're gonna have to

read that letter.

Oh, God.

Listen, I'm not saying you
have to go over there

and open it right now.

Do it whenever you feel ready,
honestly.

But, the longer you let it
sit in that drawer,

the longer it's just
gonna eat you up inside,

and that's not fair to anyone,
especially not you.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Oh, my God, I smacked you,
didn't I?

Yeah, pretty, pretty good, too.

God, I smacked you so hard.

- I'm so sorry.
- You kept swinging.

- Oh, God.
- I actually typically have to

pay women 50, 60 bucks
to get that kind of abuse,

so I felt like
I came out on top of that deal.

I know, that girl,
tell her I'm so sorry.

- She was really, really nice.
- Veronica Rebecca?

- Holy shit.
- Christine's already texted me.

She's fine, she had
a couple hilarious jokes

about last night, and so.

- You were so mean.
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Hey, do you want my advice?

Yeah.

Please, go ahead.

I think you should
take the day off,

order some junk food,
a chicken-fried steak,

fries, chili, cheese,

anything that you could
think of,

get under a blanket,
get a bunch of bad movies going.

Yeah, we can watch
a bunch of kung fu movies.

I think you're gonna
have to do it alone.

You probably just need to
avoid some distractions,

and just spend the day

putting in some good energy,
reflecting on things,

and taking care of
what you need to take care of.

Then on Monday, you'll wake up
and you start doing

what you just told me.

What's that?

Stop fucking wasting time.

- Yeah, I'm right.
- Okay.

(chuckling)

You're right.

Hey, um, I actually have to go.

I have a deadline
for a spec pilot

that I've been
putting off a little bit.

Just hearing those words
come out of my mouth

feels a little douchey,
so I apologize,

- but, uh...
- I'm... I'm proud of you.

Will you also wash my jeans?

- Yes, sorry.
- You think an Uber will let me

get into a car like this,
or is it too sexy?

Wanna borrow
some of my leggings?

Maybe.

- All right, let's do this.
- Go get 'em, tiger.

Yeah, let's do this.

(exhaling heavily)

(groaning)

- I'm gonna go.
- Okay.

All right,
I'll talk to you Monday.

- Okay.
- All right, bye.

Bye.

? ?

(door closing)

? ?

? I've been busy
filling up pages ?

? ?

? I've been busy
filling up rooms ?

? ?

? I'm all done with
scheming and cobwebs ?

? Been heavier than you ?

(clanking)

? ?

? I've been busy
giving up silos ?

? Selling all the storage
for cash ?

? Giving her the cars
and the waters ?

? Where's the splash ?

Flora, you sly son of a bitch.

? ?

? I will crawl to you empty ?

? Throw away my silver spoon ?

? I will come to you empty ?

? ?

? Give them better news ?

? ?

? I will crawl to you empty ?

? ?

? Hope you never even
see the chains ?

? ?

? I will come to you empty ?

? ?

? With no hustle left ?

? ?

(indistinct singing)

? ?

Hey, um, Kyle,
is this for a role?

Because I need to put it
in your schedule today.

I don't think I'm gonna
do this pilot anymore.

Why?

What we talked about
on Saturday, and...

I don't know
if you can notice, but,

I've changed.

There was a moment
in the desert

as the sun rose in the east,

an eagle flew

across the horizon,

landed right in front of me,

looked me in the eye,

told me I had a different path.

- Talked to you?
- With its eyes, yes.

What it'd say?

It said I had to dance,
specifically hip-hop.

That's great, I mean,

what about the pilot, though?

Uhh...

I don't know how long
this crazy ride

can go on, Harper.

I never really wanted it...
I mean, no, I did,

I really, really wanted it,
but now,

just...

I think deep down, I'm a...

I'm just really sad.

You can't be sad, man,
you're one of

the most positive people I know.

Do you know why I hired you
as my personal assistant?

'Cause you needed to get a lot
of work done, and needed help.

My agent asked to me
to hire a personal assistant

to look more high profile.

And I did it, because I, uh...

Just needed a friend.

Kyle Fairchild, I know,
must have just like

a butt load of fucking friends,
but...

I don't.

It's not even my loft.

It's an Airbnb.

I'm sick of this.

I miss my family back home.

- Don't they live here?
- They're like

always on vacation.

Well, you know what?

I am your friend, and I think

you're gonna get
everything you want in life.

(whirring)

Okay.

- I'll do the pilot.
- Yay!

I'm still gonna take
the dance classes

- I signed up for.
- Well, that's perfect then,

because this show might named
Untitled Rap Musical.

The fuck out of here.

- Eagle knew.
- Yeah.

Yeah, it did.

Hi, guys,
we're going to the theater.

Okay, your laugh
looked really unnatural,

so, like, let's try it again.

Hi, guys,
so we're really excited,

- 'cause we're going out tonight.
- Mhm.

Which is so cool, right?

- Everyone wants to do that...
- Oh, hey.

Hey.

(whirring)

Uh, this is Jen, my girlfriend
that I told you about.

Oh, my gosh,
he's told me all about you.

Oh, uh, the neighbor, right?

Yeah, we borrow
each other's sugar

- from time to time.
- Yeah.

Oh, cool.

Grocery day,
you're using those, uh, coupons?

Yeah, um,

just picking up stuff
for a juice cleanse,

you know, typical LA bullshit.

Not at all,
cleanses are really great.

I mean, I do them all the time.

They're really good for you.

She says that.

We're going to
the Greek Theater,

- we're gonna see a show.
- Oh, cool.

Yeah, Imaginary Dragons,
they're like

the best metal band ever.

- Well, have fun.
- Yeah.

Aren't you
doing anything tonight?

Uh, yeah, actually, um,

- I am.
- Oh, awesome.

- Nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you, too.

- Okay.
- All right, have fun, guys.

Bye.

? ?

I think that
that worked kind of,

but... but we got, like,
this weird kind of...

like unknown energy that
I'm really just not digging.

? ?

Greg, I'm home!

(applauding)

? ?

? ?

Okay.

? ?

(rustling papers)

? ?

(sighing)

? ?

(sighing)

? ?

(rustling)

? ?

(woman singing opera)

? ?

(sobbing)

? ?

? Lord knows I've been up ?

? Lord knows I've been down ?

? I've been down
every beaten path ?

? On a merry-go round ?

? Lord knows I've been good ?

? Less times than bad ?

? Hell I've done
ruin every thing ?

? that I ever had ?

? Just take me on
that long ride ?

? Through the night and just
get me back home ?

? Cause I've done seen
everything that I need ?

? And I'd rather be alone ?

? Oh just take me
on that long ride ?

? Through the night
and just get me back home ?

? Cause I've done seen
everything that I need ?

? And I'd rather be alone ?

30 EA, take one.

(clacking)

And go ahead, guys.

My people were always
telling me, like, I need a...

like a coat like this,
and I'm like, uh...

why... what... how do I even
get something like that?

- Yo, you came to the right guy.
- Ha!

- Yeah?
- Yeah, you can just hire me

- as your stylist.
- You serious?

- Yeah.
- You know who I am, right?

- I do now.
- Ow!

Yeah, don't even, like, joke
that you don't know who I am,

- right?
- This guy.

? Fuck ?

All right, good.

(laughing)

Cam cuts.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull