Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

(scratching)

Okay it's about ready to get

Grapes of Wrath up in this bitch.

Hi.

Okay.

All right.

Fuck.

Here we go.

Hi.

Hey.

(indistinct conversations)

Hi.

? ?

? If this makes you cringe ?

? Then you better start walking away ?

? I said you turn back now ?

? If you don't want to see all those things ?

? That you're asking of me ?

? (indistinct lyrics) ?

? Oh oh ?

? I'm no good, I'm no good for you ?

? I'm no good, I'm good for you ?

? ?

? ?

- Hey. - Oh hey, you made it.

Yes and I'm about ready to get Grapes of Wraths

up in this bitch.

Okay, what?

Um, grapes.

Thank you, I'm gonna put this here.

- We're about to do some shots. - Great.

Yeah, I can do shots, I can do shots, yeah.

This is to uh, what was your name again?

- Harper. - Harper, this is to Harper.

Yeah, here we go.

Woo.

- Damn. - I just sip it.

Let's party!

Woo!

- Where did you get her? - Shots! Shots!

I'm not... I'm not saying the president's a cyborg.

But what I am saying

is that there are two of them, okay.

The real one wears the red tie

and the fake one wears the blue tie.

Where are you getting this? Where are you getting this?

Are you guys open to things?

- I don't, um... - Like an open...

- Open... open. - You can look it up

on the Internet!

The universe is shifting, okay?

Mandela effect.

The president? The South African President?

- What are you guys into? - I just wanna know

if this is like... are you saying this for like me?

Or like for him?

'Cause that's where I'm kind of like, eh.

That's for me to know not for you.

The Monopoly guy does not have a monocle.

- The Monopoly totally... - Does not have a monocle.

- The peanut guy, I think. - Yeah, the peanut guy

- definitely have a monocle. - I'm allergic to peanuts.

So that has nothing to do with this.

This is a new era of spectrumism.

- It's the... it's... - It's not gay or straight...

We only really know what the top one percent wants us to know.

- Don't encourage. - Dude.

Ah, see this?

That is what I'm saying.

No, no, no, absolutely.

I'm gonna go jerk off thinking about you guys.

He's such a funny guy.

- He's funny, isn't he? - That's what I'm saying, man.

They only tell us what they want us to know.

They probably already found the cure to cancer, you know?

All right.

Well, I have to take a shit.

Yeah, take a shit, man.

So, um, what's the show about?

It's a web series.

Mr. Cuddles' Tea Time.

The famous turtle on Instagram.

Have you not heard of him?

You never heard of him?

I don't know who he is at all actually.

Mr. Cuddles Tea Time, people fucking love this.

He's got a top hat.

- People love that turtle. - Absolutely.

I don't understand, how do you make a show

- out of a turtle? - How do you not?

No, it's a talk show and Cuddles is the host

and other celebrity pets come on the show.

They drink tea, we hire voice actors to speak for them.

It sounds crazy but pet celebrities are huge right now.

Rob, Rob, Mr. Cuddles.

What do you think about Mr. Cuddles?

- People love that turtle, man. - See?

Hold on though, isn't that animal cruelty though?

- No. - No.

Everyone gets paid.

I think the turtle gets paid, I assume.

Does anybody want a refill?

- Yes. - Hard yes.

Cheers.

? ?

? Oo-ooo ?

? Oo-oo ?

? Haa-oo ?

? Haa-oo ?

(coughing)

Oh man.

? Everybody over here now ?

? Eeeee ?

- Let's start a band. - He like seems to be

- in love with his best friend. - No!

And um, sometimes he's just there with his friend

and it's just like...

? ?

- Don't drive. - No, no I'm gonna get an Uber.

What's crazy is that my parents are still together.

- Oh that's... - And it's crazy that...

it's crazy that my parents... like, everybody here,

it's just all career.

That's why it's such a flaky city.

That's why it's so much bullshit here.

Everybody's just clawing and hustling.

Nobody has like the core values.

I want kids, I want to come home from work

and be like, "I love my job" and my kids are like,

"Hey, dad, we love you" and I'm like, "I love you."

- You know, right? - Yeah.

It's simple.

Is that too much to ask?

I'm talking too much, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't even ask what are you doing out here?

Are you teaching yoga? Everybody's...

Did you not want me to kiss you?

Um.

Oh.

Oh my God, I'm such a fucking idiot.

- I'm so sorry. - No, it's just

I feel like I gave off...

I gave off the wrong impression.

Um, uh.

No, you just have to know something about me

- which is that... - Oh my God.

- You're gay. - What?

You're gay, your hair and your shirt and your teeth.

You clearly use whitening strips.

- Thank you but... - Oh my God.

I'm such a fucking dipshit.

I was gonna say that I'm seeing someone.

I'm seeing a girl.

Oh.

You aren't gay?

I thought you were.

I thought you were sleeping, are you listening to all this?

It's a spectrum, dude.

I think about dicks.

I'm really sorry.

I am still jetlagged

and I haven't had anything to eat.

- It's fine. - And I mean, the shots.

- Like, so sorry. - No, seriously.

Don't feel bad, it was a lot of fun

and we should do it more often.

Yeah, totally.

Are you sure you feel good about getting home?

- I will walk you. - I'm good, I promise.

- I have my mace with me. - Okay.

- Okay. - All right.

- Have a good night. - All right, you too.

Peace.

? ?

? You said it's easier the second time around ?

? But that's a lie, sir ?

? You said these girls couldn't tell ?

? But no one loves a liar ?

? ?

? And I've been around the block ?

? It's empty by the fire ?

? ?

? But no one takes me higher ?

? ?

? Your loving gets me higher ?

? And I know ?

? You're all I think about ?

? These days ?

? You're all I think about ?

? These days ?

? You're all I think about ?

? ?

? Calling Patron, calling Patron ?

? Calling Patron, calling Patron ?

? Calling Patron, I've been drinking ?

? Just like the jackpot I'm all ?

? You'll turned your back on the wall ?

? I made a bet with the lord ?

? Won't stand for no rats in my song ?

? I can't move backwards for ya'll ?

(lyrics begin fading into another song)

? Have you ever met Miss Lindy ?

? She's the gal with the bright red hair ?

? Now she stands out from all the rest ?

? You'd know her anywhere ?

? Well she's mine ?

? Yeah she's mine ?

Ugh.

(groaning)

Doesn't matter what I do.

Fuck it up.

Every time.

At the end of your message, press one.

Hi, honey.

Can you call me when you get this?

I'm gonna need you to come home now.

(sobbing)

? ?

I love you very, very much.

? ?

Harper?

Oh my God.

- Sorry, I just um... - What's wrong?

I was working on a scene for acting class.

I just really got into it, sorry.

What's your play about?

It's about the bleaching in the coral reefs.

It's really fucking sad.

Yeah, you're right that is sad.

Think about it, the temperature's gonna keep rising,

- we're all gonna fucking die. - Well, you know what?

I have to sleep for like two more hours.

Mr. Peterson's got another colonoscopy again.

First one didn't take so, ugh.

So um, just try to keep your global warming project

like a little down, sh.

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

I save fucking lives, Harper.

It's a real job, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, that wine looks good.

It looks like something that I would buy.

- Sorry. - It's my last bottle, so.

Oh.

That's a lot of dishes.

Well, I was gonna clean them up but you know...

All right, good night, Harper.

Night.

Fucking cunt.

? ?

Fuck.

? ?

(vibrating)

(alarm sounding)

(vibrating)

Ugh, man.

That's good batteries.

? ?

Come on.

(coughing)

? ?

Ugh.

Someone's calling on your phone.

Someone's calling on your phone.

Gotta pick it up, gotta pick it up.

Someone's calling on your phone.

Someone's calling on your phone.

Gotta pick it up, gotta pick it up.

Someone's calling on your phone.

Museum of sodomy and the dark arts.

Please hold.

So I've been watching a lot of YouTube clips.

I think I perfected my Australian accent.

- It's getting so good. - So good.

Do you know shrimp on a barbie's a racist term for a dingo?

- No? - That's just sling

for throwing your pecker into a kangaroo's pouch.

Hey Harp?

You coming to my show tonight, right?

- Oh shit, that's tonight? - My heart.

I told you, I have to have you be there.

Yeah, I'm just fucking with you.

I'm coming.

Okay, cool.

Hey, it's a BYOB.

B your Bs but also, could you B me a B?

That'd be G.

I don't think I'm gonna be drinking at all

after last night.

Seriously?

(knocking)

- Oh, hello. - You dick.

It is I, Edward all of the alcohol

I had left in my cabinets hands.

Are you the little boy that lives in the scary house

on top of the hill at the end of the cul-de-sac?

My father made my heart from a sugar cookie.

- Come drink with me. - I don't want to.

But I taped all these things to my fingers.

You gotta drink with me.

- Ah. - Okay.

Just stay away from my water bed.

Let's crack these open, huh?

(car honking)

Do you know, I think a had a bit of a breakthrough

with my project.

The Santa Claus movie or?

That one's on hold right now.

I mean, sure, it shot up two percent on Kickstarter.

Thanks for donating, by the way.

- Yeah, no problem. - But I think I'm gonna put that

on hold for a little while.

My pop-up stand up, the thing for tonight,

I got... I'm gonna attack it from a slightly different angle.

- I think you're gonna like it. - Oh, that's awesome.

- Yeah, it's gonna be good. - So you thought about

- like open mics doing that or? - Nah, no, no, no.

Open mics are dead.

You're not telling jokes to people.

You're telling jokes to comedians.

- That's true. - They're the worst people.

I should know.

(cars honking)

Beautiful view.

So you got pretty swasted at the party last night, huh?

I did get swasted.

Unfortunately, it was not a party.

- At all, at all. - So you did like a Home Alone.

You went all Kevin McCallister on that shit.

- A little bit. - Oh man.

- Oh, that's never good. - Not really proud of that.

I tried to make moves on my cute neighbor.

Mrs. Campbell? She's like 87 years old.

No, not Mrs. Campbell.

Paul, like super hot Paul.

Oh yeah, gay Paul.

Gay for me probably but yeah.

I mean, I tried to make it happen.

If I could give you once piece of advice

it's never hook up with your neighbors.

It's too embarrassing.

Taking out trash, you're checking the mail

and you're like, oh, look at all these coupons, huh?

- Huh? Remember me? - Woo yeah.

Thanks for trying to put your dick in me, Paul.

Ew, gross.

Wait, did you have sex with Paul last night?

No but I wanted to.

Sorry, I got triple taken aback.

- He's cute. - I just never thought of you

as the like...

fuck a guy kind of like when you first meet him.

I would so fuck a guy.

- Oh my God. - Yeah.

(cars honking)

Oh hey, what time is it?

Uh, three o'clock.

Oh shit, I gotta go prep.

Imma see you tonight, right?

With bells.

- Bye! - Bye!

(cars honking)

(honking)

(phone dinging)

At the end of your message press one.

Harper Lee, what up!

I think you just got back.

Uh, I don't want to bother you

but I do really need you right now.

So if you could swing on by, bring a swimsuit

and we'll hang like a spa office meeting.

Get here like as soon as you can.

Bye.

You know, I seriously doubt my Uber's gonna let me

in the car like this.

? ?

Can we uh, move the meeting on Thursday

cause I have uh, CrossFit now.

I didn't know you were doing CrossFit.

Yeah, fucking awesome.

Well, I haven't done it yet

but it's just like awesome.

Oh, um, Buchwald emailed

and said that you have a couple of meetings that day.

Sorry about that, I forgot to tell yah.

- Seriously? For what? - One is for an app commercial

and the other is for a studio pilot.

Yes!

Are you fucking serious?

CBS? NBC? TBS?

It's actually Netflix.

Woo!

Streaming.

Fuck.

Streaming's the future.

Booo!

All right, I'll start CrossFit next week.

Just call Vlad and just have him reschedule.

He's in my phone as "CrossFit Dude."

Or he may be in my phone as "Vlad."

Okay.

Done and done.

- It's hot. - Yup, we'll you know.

Its' 95 degrees on a roof in a hot Jacuzzi.

Glad to have you back, Harper.

Glad to be back.

- Did anything cool? - Cool?

'Cause I want you to know you can talk to me.

Like if you ever feel like you need to talk to me.

Oh yeah, you know, I'm fine.

- Thanks for asking. - I know like technically

I'm your boss but I want us to be like close friends.

Really?

Like talk about boys and have sleepovers

and all that stuff?

Yeah, you serious?

I was schooled like on set.

Never had a sleepover ever in my life.

Oh, I was kidding.

Sorry.

(chuckling)

Dude!

Love it.

That's why I like you.

'Cause you're funny.

It's good to laugh.

Humor heals.

Okay, so I'm just gonna reschedule that CrossFit...

Yeah, I read statistically friends talk about sex

like two to three times a day.

- Really? - Yeah.

Like statistically on average.

Well, that seems like valuable information.

How's your sex life?

Uh, my sex life?

Come on, I'm like talking like friends.

We're friends, friends talk about sex

I just told you that.

Okay, well, thank you for asking, friend.

But um, there's really not one to speak of so there's that.

What? Are you serious?

You're like awesome.

Thank you.

My friends have sex with each other like all the time.

It relieves stress, if you need me to...

Not in like a harassment way.

I'm just talking about like...

Okay, I'm good, thank you.

I'm open if you need it.

The gear?

Um, I'm actually gonna get these notes started back home, okay?

What? Stay.

I got the NES Classic. We can play Castlevania.

It's one-player, you can like watch me play.

I'm sorry, I can't. Thanks though.

Okay, you can play, I'll watch you.

No, no, no, I mean, I really can't.

I have a thing to go to tonight.

No way, what's this thing?

I have a friend, he's a comedian.

I fucking love stand-up, are you serious?

Can I go?

It's not really stand-up that he does.

- I can't explain it. - Puppet stuff?

- You like puppets? - Fucking love puppets.

Jeff Dunham's like an inspiration...

more than an inspiration.

Can I go?

Sure, I could text you the information.

Yes, I'm gonna go shit and shower.

Text me the stuff, dude.

I will be there.

I'll see you there.

- Fuck. - Hi, I'm Stinko,

the racist sock puppet.

Don't you just want to hear some stand-up comedy from me?

No, because puppets are stupid.

Is it recording?

Is it good? Yeah we're good?

Okay, so you got it?

Hey! How's it going, I'm Dusty.

You're watching the second episode of Pop-up Stand-up.

Tonight, we're downtown.

I'm gonna talk to transits and transvestites.

I lived up in Silver Lake.

There were some raccoons getting into the trash

and I thought for a second maybe they were going for food

but I also thought maybe raccoons

are just trying to steal our identities.

Maybe that's what's happening.

Hey, fuck you, man.

Not cool, yeah.

We're live, we're doing this live.

You're hilarious, man.

This guy likes it, I love it.

Fucking hilarious, blahh.

I didn't really write any new material for this.

Ugh, ugh.

Ugh.

Sometimes I'll be like...

and then you hold.

And then you start going again.

And then you start going again.

That's one of the best things possible.

We going anywhere else?

We're gonna go down subways.

We're gonna go into ramen shops.

We're gonna make a lot of people mad at me.

- So you're a tailor? - Yes.

Yeah, what do you tail?

? ?

You want to try to guess his inseam?

- Yes. - That's all right, man.

You can't do anything without an app, you know what I mean.

'Cause when I was a kid you would go outside and play.

That's just what we did, we'd go outside.

I would run through the woods, I'd hang out in a cul-de-sac.

- Excuse me, you can't be here. - Cool man, nice to meet you.

Look, I'm just gonna finish this up...

Listen, you can't be here. You have no permit.

No, I got a permit, I got a permit.

It's uh, could you read that and tell me what it says please?

It says admit one. I'm the one.

Let me call George real quick.

Hey, isn't it fun to do live TV.

Hey, aren't you famous?

Yeah, dude, what's up, man?

Hey, how you been?

- Can I get a picture with you? - Yeah.

- Thank you. - I'm on a live stream!

Hey, Greg, right on!

- Thank you, I appreciate it. - No problem, no problem.

- Can he keep telling jokes... - No, no, no.

You can stay, he can't.

We'll get out of here.

I'm just gonna finish this joke then we're out.

Cool, thanks man. Have a good one.

He can stay, you can't, sorry about that.

That's very rude.

That was fun, how many people we up to now?

Nine.

Uh, let's keep riffing.

Okay!

Happy hour place!

It's an Asian fusion which is good.

- I like it... - Oh, god!

Are you okay? Are you okay?

Are you okay? Are you okay, Dusty?

(indistinct singing)

? ?

- I think you broke it. - No, no, I didn't.

- No, you broke it. - No, I really did not.

- I think you did a great job. - Thank you so much.

Looks like you took a shell off of a turtle's back

and then put duct tape on it and you're wearing it.

I want to watch you... Oh, he's taking it off.

- He's taking it off. - I do this for a night.

I do about two hours of running around

and by the end I have about maybe 30 seconds of jokes

I want to revisit again at another adventure.

I've seen an heirloom tomato.

I've seen a woman's genitals and there's a connection there.

I don't know what the joke is yet but it's there.

But it's like beautiful and still tastes delicious.

Ugh.

- You're funny. - Thank you so much.

- Should we go? - I think we should go.

Let's just leave him.

- Bye. - Bye.

(laughing)

My ex-girlfriend used to always say

that she'd see shooting stars.

I felt like she just didn't know what planes look like.

(laughing)

Dude, you gotta stop slaying me.

Yeah this place is incredible.

This is your place?

Um, yeah, it's mine.

Oh my God, Dusty, check this shit out.

Somebody just said, "This is the greatest livestream

I've ever seen.

Hands down, period."

Well, that's rad.

"Hands down, period."

- Hello! - Who said that?

- Uh, Sarcastic Panda 27. - Awesome.

Oh and your mom says you're cute.

- Yup. - Do you understand

how good that was?

Like literally bing!

And from the boom!

It was super amazing.

Right? This energy...

(indistinct chattering)

Sorcerer man.

He stays up there.

La boom!

With all love, you know what I mean?

- That's intense. - Delicious, yeah.

Harper here has been talking about this all the time.

Like the sorcerer stuff and the love.

- Yeah. - So what is uh, sorry.

What is this dynamic?

Oh, like how we know each other?

I'm her boss, right.

Right, I'm his assistant, yeah.

I just had assumed that you knew that I assist

Kyle Fairchild from Greg's Room on ABC.

ABC Family, hit show.

Greg's Room. Yeah, of course.

It's all right, you don't have to lie.

It's a shitty show.

No, it's... it's pretty good, man.

You got a TV gig, it's billboards everywhere.

It gets me like all this but sometimes it's like...

What's in here?

You know what I mean?

I mean, it's like I don't know sometimes.

- But I feel good. - Cool man, no,

thanks for letting me up here though.

This has been a cool night.

My friend reps comics.

So you know what you need to do?

- Uh? - You gotta get me that info.

I need you to send me right...

headshot, FB, Instagram, you on Twitter?

- Get me your Twitter. - Cool yeah, I can send you

my website and all sorts of stuff.

Yeah, send it to Harper and she'll like give it to me.

- Yeah, I mean. - Cool. Hi, I'm Dusty.

Let's be friends.

This isn't a gift, this is just my friendship for you.

And this is a gift, okay.

Hold on, look at this.

Boom, boom, boom.

Boom.

Wha-wha-wha-woah.

Yeah!

Sparkling, uh, grape juice.

Cool, I'm not usually like a sweets guy.

Yeah, I mean yeah, I'm spiking it with whiskey.

Fucking awesome.

This is called the whiskey sandwich.

It's a play on a PB and J?

- Yeah. - Okay, that kind of makes sense

- I guess. - To a wonderful, new friendship.

I'm cool with that.

New found friendship.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

That's actually... that's actually really good.

- Whiskey sandwich. - That's actually really good.

There's a party tonight.

Right here, downtown, like right under that green building.

It's at this like art space/hair salon.

Actually, it's like a loft

with cool art in it

and you can get your haircut

for like 300 bucks.

Oh wow, what a deal.

Fucking party with me, dude!

- You're coming! - I'm probably just gonna

- head home honestly. - Dude what?

We're gonna have alcohol.

I will literally buy you a haircut for this.

- There's gonna be weed. - I mean, I'm down to party.

- Okay, I'll get the Uber. - Who's in?

I'm legitimately nervous.

? The scene is getting crowded ?

? Imma ride my own wave ?

? I don't need your approval imma go my own way ?

? My daddy told me to be first and finish last place ?

? The world show me one way imma go my own ?

(indistinct speaking)

Can I get anymore... Dude, do you have any limes in there?

(laughing)

I think I'm gonna get just a little bit off the top.

Should I go Flock Of Seagulls or Michael McDonald?

Dude, I gotta start going to these

art/haircut places more often.

? You know what that means ?

? Your team is taking more L's than the DNC ?

I'm doing this just to get the hairs on the inside

to piece together.

The only parts I'll smoosh in are on the sides.

Because those sides are always poofed up.

- I love it! - Just to get the hairs

on the inside to piece together not to just gel it down.

I'm on uh, Bitcoin Cash.

I blow dry my hair and now it looks like thick as fuck.

But if you don't, of course,

I can tame it down if I want

just because of the blow dryer.

Or we can go back to Dragon Ball Z.

Time out real quick.

I'm fucking high.

? I'm so high right now ?

? The smell of success got me so lean right now ?

? Tracks upon tracks ?

? I got them stacked up now ?

? I try to try tell them know their role ?

? They want to act up now ?

Sick, sick, perfect.

? ?

Okay.

? ?

? And the water stream will guide you home ?

? Baby salmon ?

? Yeah the water stream will guide you home ?

? Baby salmon ?

? Yeah the water stream will guide you home ?

? Baby salmon ?

? The water stream will guide ?

? The water stream will guide ?

? That salty stream will guide ?

? You home ?

? Home ?

Anyway, that's from the remix stuff.

Yeah my friend Charlie wrote the music

and I did like everything else.

- Sounds sick, dude. - Thanks for listening

- to Salty Stream. - The salmon, uh,

they stream upstream though, yeah?

Yeah, sure do.

How could the water guide them home

if it's literally just pushing them back?

They swim in fresh water.

- It's more of a metaphor. - Yeah, I liked it.

Good insight I see, thank you.

- And they're adults. - Looks like you need

a little refresher on your cocktail.

Can I get you a Moscow mule?

I love Moscow mules.

Well, okay.

See if we got any fresh...

Oy, you got some limes?

Fresh limers?

Limers.

He got the part that water's wet.

(laughing)

He's so good.

Hey, thanks for coming to my show tonight.

- Seriously, that was huge. - Yeah, of course.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

It's really nice to know that there's someone

in this town who has my back.

It can be kind of a selfish, soulless place.

I'm not sure if you knew that.

You know I invited like 30 people

to come help out with the show? No one showed up.

You're the only person that showed up.

- Really? - Yeah.

Pf, their loss.

I can't even tell you how many times

I go and see one-man shows.

I can't even get one person to help me out.

I get it, you know, people have their own shit going on.

For a city just full of artists,

you'd think that people would be more supportive

of each other's projects and endeavors.

Should be the exact opposite of that.

We need to come together and be a community.

Alone, we can illuminate the light within ourselves

to cultivate art that is self examined,

curious, new, and original, but together

we can illuminate the light in the universe

to create art that is cognizant,

aggressive and powerful.

Squares in a cosmic Rubik's Cube.

We're just different shapes of selfish ambition.

Twisted and lost, incomplete.

But if we work together,

if we truly work together

we are a star.

? ?

Are you a God?

? ?

No, my name is Marcus

but my people call me Truth.

Ya'll should come check out my poetry slam next week.

I don't rhyme, I keeps it real.

So you like the X-Files?

Hells yah, man.

Scully is the OG of the alien finding business.

The bitch had... what was it?

Section 54 Arizona, whatever that shit is called.

- Area 51. - Can you give me my card back?

- Oh, yeah, sorry. - Yeah, I gotta use this

for other parties but you remember the Instagram info,

- right? - Right, yeah.

Cool, keep creating.

Okay, bye.

Is it bad after the whole spiel

if we don't go to Marcus' poetry slam?

Can I ask you a question?

Is it about the universe?

Oo.

No.

Do you think I have a chance?

Any chance at all?

What do you mean? Like with comedy?

No, to get laid at this fucking party tonight.

Seriously dude, I think you're one of the most

funny, inventive artists

I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

I think... I think you can hit it big.

- Thanks Harper. - You're welcome.

Fucking love you, dude.

I fucking love you too, bro.

Hey, do you wanna get fucking stupid at this party

then go eat some super late night Mexican food?

- Oh, fuck yeah. - Cool, help me up.

All right, oh my god.

No, push your foot off of my foot.

- Find the fulcrum. - Oh my god.

- I can't do it. - You ever had a Moscow mule

made by a TV star before?

- Yeah. - Really?

? If I take you down would you really hold me down ?

? I'll be your best friend ?

? She just wanna hit me with a quickie ?

? By the bullet and I'm like yes ma'am ?

? ?

? The way you got me fiending for your body ?

? You might turn me to a yes man ?

? Oh yeah ?

? 80 in a 40 ?

? I'm on nerve ?

? Bitch I'm flyer than your ex man ?

? Keyes, Keyes, Keyes Keyes on Van Nuys ?

? Keyes, Keyes, Keyes ?

? Keyes on Keyes on Van Nuys ?

Hey, Harper.

Oh hey, Paul.

What are you up to?

Just walking to my apartment.

Oh, cool.

Is everything okay?

Yeah uh...

I'm just, uh, I'm tired.

Okay, just gonna keep walking to my apartment.

Yeah.

Jenn broke up with me.

Yeah.

Wow, sorry.

I've just been kind of a wreck in there

and then uh, I watched that movie

My Dog Skip.

- Why did I do that? - It's brutal.

The first half of the movie, you know, it's so happy

and then the second half is...

Shits all over your heart.

It totally shits on your heart.

So you like need somebody to talk to?

Oh my god, yes, that would be so great.

I have beer, I've got wine.

The little bottles, the Sutter Home ones.

Jenn, uh, she loved those bottles.

- Paul? - Yeah?

Oh, god, I'm sorry.

No pants, hold on sorry.

Sorry.

That is so embarrassing.

I'm embarrassed.

It happens all the time I'm sure.

I think to walk around my apartment naked

when I'm alone.

I don't know, the bottle half off

it's like there's a little breeze.

I don't know, I don't know.

It's weird, right?

No, it's nice.

Maybe I can help you with the top half?

? ?

This is not at all what I expected to happen.

(indistinct shouting), it's a one night thing?

This can be something, is this...

Okay, shut the fuck up, Paul.

? ?

Man, I haven't stopped drinking since the flight home.

Really?

Kick ass, man.

I think I'm an alcoholic though.

You are not an alcoholic.

I mean, how do you know?

Because my brother is an alcoholic

and I know what one looks like

and you, my friend, are not one.

I'm drinking shitty wine at 3AM.

I just drunk fucked my neighbor.

How could I not be one?

Okay, do you wake up craving alcohol?

Do you need alcohol to physically function

- during the day? - No.

Then you're not an alcoholic.

Yeah, you have a drinking problem.

A lot of people who drink do.

Okay, so what's the difference, Dr. Phil?

People that use alcohol to numb pain in their lives

have a drinking problem and some of those people

never solve those problems.

Those people will become alcoholics.

Can you pass me another one?

- Yeah. - Thank you.

Here you go.

Did you learn this at like an AA meeting or something?

No, I read it on a menu.

It's where I get all of my definitive information.

How you feeling, by the way?

Oh, um, I came, thanks.

That's not what I meant, I meant with like, you know,

your family stuff.

How are you?

I'm fine, it's fine.

I wasn't trying to overstep any boundaries.

No, it's okay.

If you want to talk about anything I'm... I'm

- you know, I'm here. - Okay, yeah.

Okay.

Hey, it's not gonna get like weird, right?

No, I don't think it was gonna get weird

until like a little bit later.

Like a wedding chapel or something.

Well, my parents are expecting a child soon... a boy preferably.

So if you want to get on that sexual position research

- that would be fantastic. - Jokes on you buddy,

because I don't believe in traditional gender roles.

You're gonna get whatever it is.

I hope it's a snake.

I can't believe you fucked him.

This like towel move, dude.

You know he was totally naked on purpose, right?

I don't know, he seemed genuinely unaware of it.

Oh yeah, okay, so he was watching My Dog Skip

completely naked, that makes sense.

That's fucking weird, dude.

Weird or totally cute?

I don't know, it just depends on the size of his erec...

Knock it off!

Oh, you are so gonna get it.

Do you really think he did it on purpose?

Are you still drunk? Yes.

Oh my god, that changes everything.

Yeah, things are definitely gonna get awkward

near the mailbox.

What did I just say?

Knock it off.

You got five seconds, hot shot.

One, two.

Three... Yup, that's what I thought.

Is it okay with their parents that you're doing this?

They don't give a shit.

- Look at them. - Seriously, I don't know

if the old lady's gonna let me go, man.

I'm at this stupid park with my kids.

I'm a goddamn saint.

Yeah but you're not even a babysitter.

Listen, in love kids.

I love them, that's why I do this.

I can't have any of my own.

- You never told me that. - Well, not medically.

I just... I just can't squeeze something

the size of Peter Dinklage out of my vagina.

I'm sorry I just can't.

I can definitely squeeze something the size

of Peter Dinklage in my vagina.

- Eh. - Eh, eh, eh.

Eh, eh, yeah,

Cause I could have Tyrion play with my dragon eggs any day.

Look, I come here during my lunchbreak

and pretend I have my own because it's easy

and it's oddly comforting.

Have you ever considered adoption maybe, or?

Oh, god no.

And deal with like dirty diapers

and deep seeded adolescent trauma?

No, I'm just fine, I'm good.

Hey!

I'm always catching that one trying to take girl's dolls.

What if he really likes playing with dolls.

Oh shit, you know, I didn't even think about that.

I'm a horrible fake parent.

So um, by the way, how are you?

Being back and stuff.

It's fine.

I'm fine.

Yeah? How's your mom?

She's doing the best she can.

I mean, we just really didn't have a lot of time.

We only found out a month ago.

It's so fucked.

So hey, you want to hang out tonight?

I don't know, I have a PTA meeting.

- What? - It's a serious problem.

Girl, yeah!

You need to remember you're still young.

You need to be your youthful self.

My youthful self? Oh my god.

I don't have a youthful self, Harper.

I work a stressful nine to five job

where I'm underappreciated.

I can't find anyone in this town

who isn't at least 75 percent sociopath or a vegan.

Hey, vegans are cool.

Vegans fucking suck!

But they have great baked goods.

You know, I think I'm just gonna be single my whole life.

The only time that I am youthful

is when I watch Stranger Things with my dog in a onesie.

Come on girl, you are great

and you need to come and hang with me.

I've been on a two-day bender.

I say we make it a solid trilogy.

Remember the times that we didn't have schedules

or plans or anything like that?

- Yeah, I mean, it was awesome. - It was awesome.

Except for the part where I had no money.

Cheap thrills, bitch.

Come on!

- Ow. - Come on!

- Stop! - Come on!

Stop, okay, fine.

I'll bring more brownies.

You have magical brownies? Oh!

Yeah my boss got them for me last year

when I went to Portland, I didn't need them.

How could you not need them?

Haven't you been to Portland?

Hey, you are so gonna get it.

Hey... hold on a sec, are you talking to my kid?

Yeah because you're on your fucking phone.

- Mind your own business, lady. - Wake up, daddio.

This is my job, I'm doing my job, okay.

- I'm working stocks. - Okay, well, congratulations

on your stocks, I'm watching your child,

- I'll send you an invoice. - I'm a doctor, okay?

You're a doctor?

I've met you so many times outside Wholefoods.

I think he's actually calling the cops.

- Okay well then let's just go. - Okay, come on, no, no, no.

Do you want me to grab the blanket?

It's not even mine, let's go.

I'll see you man, I'll bring a twelver.

- Hey. - Hi.

How are you, uh, feeling?

Feeling all right.

Great, Jesus, that's a lot of coupons.

Nah, I know, I just... I haven't had a chance

to check it in a while.

- Sorry. - That's okay.

So, what are you up to tonight?

Not feeling so well, I think I need to go upstairs

- for a little bit. - You okay?

All of a sudden not feeling too good.

Not feeling good, like, not like in a pregnant way,

though, right, not like...?

No, Paul.

I'm just... okay, feel better.

Fuck.

Oh, shit, oh, this is not good.

? ?

(rustling)

? ?

Mom, Mom.

? ?

What do you mean you don't know when he's coming home?

Okay, but, Ma, I'm sorry about calling,

just never mind, I'll call you back.

? My miss Lindy ?

? Well I love that little girl with fiery hair ?

? ?

(clinking)

God damn Flora where'd you put the fucking wine.

? Well Miss Lindy, my Miss Lindy ?

? Well I love that little girl with fiery hair ?

Fuck!

? She likes to dance all day ?

? And when she does her rock and roll ?

? It take your breath away ?

? Well she's mine ?

? Yeah she's mine ?

? Well I love that little girl she's so fine ?

? Well Miss Lindy's hair is fiery red ?

? Her eyes are water blue ?

? And when Miss Lindy smiles at me ?

? Oh what it makes me do ?

? Well she's mine ?

? Yeah she's mine ?

? Well I love that little girl cause she's so fine ?

(sighing)

? ?

? All your little friends must think I'm blind ?

? Don't see when you're going out at night ?

? I know just where you are ?

? Sleeping past the break of day ?

? I don't believe a word you say ?

? I'll see right through you ?

? No no no no only my friends are telling me to run ?

? Telling myself no one I can trust ?

? I gotta get going gotta break... ?

(distant siren blaring)

(knocking)

? ?

- Hey. - Hi.

- How are you tonight? - Good.

Great.

Movie night.

Ah, what are you watching?

My Dog Skip.

(whirring)

Um, the first half is great,

and then it, uh...

then it kinda tanks.

Julie, ooh!

You're a big fucking cooter.

Hey, uh, slut?

Uh, you feeling better, Harper?

Shit, fuck.

Feeling a lot better, thank you so much,

had an orange.

- Get the fuck in here. - Harper, what?

- Come here. - Oh, okay, nice meeting you.

? ?

You too.

? ?

- Not good. - Getting the party started

without me, huh?

Did you know that kangaroos have three vaginas?

I learned it right there

on the television.

The church of our life, man.

Yeah, that's... wild.

(chuckling)

Wild, that's such a good pun.

That's such a Big Pun.

? I don't wanna be a player no more ?

? I ain't a player, I just fuck a lot ?

Oh, wow, you're fucking drunk, dude.

I'm not drunk, I am cogent.

Drink this.

Ugh.

I'm waiting for this forever.

(chuckling)

(choking)

This isn't vodka.

Poor people vodka.

- Water. - You know, maybe we should

- just hang out another night. - No, no,

because if we don't hang tonight,

then we won't watch Girl With the Pearl Necklace,

and then we won't watch Scarlet do the little baby...

- You're a little drunk. - And you're a little bit

of a bitch.

What is going on, Harper?

I'm fine, I barely even drank.

Okay, well tell that to the whiskey bottle right there.

? ?

I'm fine, I barely even drank.

Have you been drinking all day?

(retching)

Harper.

Harper.

? ?

(vomiting)

(retching)

I didn't know I had Qdoba.

Round two, bitches!

(grunting)

Oh, my God, let's get naked and praise the moon.

Woo, come on, girl!

Scarlett Johansson!

Woo, round two!

(chuckling)

Oh, come on, all right, magical brownies.

Did you bring the brownies?

You know what, you really need to just slow down.

What are you talking about? It's Friday.

It's Saturday, but that's besides the point.

You need to take it down a notch.

Okay, thank you, Flanders.

Okay, Harper, what is going on?

- Nothing's going on. - Really?

- Yeah. - By the looks of it,

a lot is going on.

- Okay, Dr. Phil. - Great references.

What is so funny? I'm being serious.

Oh, my God, I thought tonight was girls' night, man.

No rules, no schedules.

I didn't realize I was gonna get a fucking lecture.

I'm not trying to lecture you, I'm just trying to see

- if you're okay. - Why does everybody

keep asking me if I'm okay?

I'm fine! You know what, if you want me to be something,

you tell me what you want me to be and I'll be it.

Until then, just shut the fuck up!

(indistinct TV noises)

Your father just passed away.

Look, I get it.

You can be any way you want, I just don't want you

to be destructive.

You know what, you're right, Julie.

We just need to do this another time.

I'm standing right here

if you need to talk.

You just need to go, Julie.

Just leave me alone.

(indistinct TV noises)

Okay.

Just... I gotta be alone.

Bye.

Here, this'll help with your hangover.

Just eat one piece of one, okay?

'Cause they're really powerful.

You know if you need anything, you can just call me, right?

Mhm.

Okay, thank you.

Okay.

(jingling)

(indistinct TV remarks)

...Woodpeckers that can be found all around the world.

It's so cool how animals are fooled!

Did you know that sharks have no bones?

- There's no bones about it. - Are you an animal?

You must be cool!

? ?

(screaming)

? ?

(screaming continuing)

? ?

(shrieking)

? ?

(texting)

(text message beeping)

? ?

(text messages beeping)

? ?

(indistinct TV remarks)

? ?

Good luck with your laser tag business, man.

Thank you, bye.

? ?

I love my job!

(horn honking)

(whirring)

? ?

(overlapping remarks)

? ?

(clinking)

? ?

(chaotic piano playing)

? ?

There she is!

Here I is.

Harper, this is Christine, Christine, this is Harper.

- Hi. - Hey, yeah, Dusty told me

- all about you. - Mm, he must've told you

I have a tendency to try to kill pretty ladies.

Don't worry, you'll be fine.

(chuckling)

Uh, so Christine's a writer,

- and super funny. - Hm, writer.

It pays the bills, yeah, so I like it.

Cool, do you write, like, books or plays?

Um, so I have a blog that I am working on mostly,

but I'm also writing a children's book.

It's about the Spanish Inquisition,

but you know, like, for kids obviously.

It's cool, I think you'd like it.

Neat, awesome, so there's alcohol at this party, cool.

- Uh, yeah. - Yeah, there is.

Harper Lee!

- Harper Lee! - Oh, my God, Kyle,

- what are you doing here? - It's my friend's party.

The agent, I invited Dusty.

- Did you tell her? - Oh, my God, wait,

- tell me what? - Uh, his friend's gonna rep me.

What, really, wait, when, how?

Kyle showed him some of the clips from the live stream,

- and fucking loved 'em. - Oh, my God, that's amazing.

- I know. - My boy

thinks he's the next Zala...

Zach Galifianass.

- Galifianakis. - Yeah.

He's flattering me, no, it's just...

it's not that big of a deal, it's not that big of a deal.

- I'm so happy for you. - Thank you very much.

- It's very cool. - When you're as grown up,

you're as growned up, swingers, right?

- Oh, right. - Oh, my God!

You know what we need to do? We need to celebrate.

You wanna do shots? We should do some shots.

No, I'm not drinking tonight.

- Come on. - No, I'm not drinking tonight.

- Don't be a pussy, Dusty. - Okay, well I'm not

being a pussy, last night I went too hard.

Forget about you... Rebecca, me, you.

Christine... I got wine, I'm good.

Thank you.

Okay, Kyle, my man.

Everybody's being a bunch of party pussies.

- You wanna drink with me? - I'm giving you the...

the arm of... of glory.

You have my axe!

(chuckling)

Be safe!

? ?

She's nice.

? ?

Know what I mean?

Nope.

Crypto currency

is... okay...

okay, so there are these book chains.

(indistinct remarks)

Block chains, and, um,

basically what it is is that in the future

you will be able to do everything

through your phone.

Uh, don't we already use our phones for everything?

(chuckling)

(overlapping remarks)

Yeah, but,

block chains.

Block chains.

Excuse me, I'm gonna interject.

Are you talking about crypto currency?

- Yeah. - Oh, dude,

- I just got into Space. - No fucking way.

Dude, I'll send you some Ethereum.

- Rad. - What's your wallet address?

- Do you have your QR code? - No, it's all up in here, baby.

- Whoa. - Iron trap.

I can just tell it to you, you wanna write it down?

Yeah, no, I have a good memory, I'm an actor.

- Perfect, all right, you ready? - Yeah.

- X, X, X... - X, X, X...

- ...3, 4, 7, 1... - ...3, 4, 7, 1...

- Upper case J. - Upper case J.

- Lower case J. - Lower case J.

Upper case J again.

(trickling)

Okay, repeat everything I said just back to me.

- X. - Okay.

- 6. - Okay.

- 4. - Okay.

- 1. - Doesn't sound right.

You have it written down somewhere?

(sighing)

I gotta call my wife.

(overlapping remarks)

- How much you have in? - I gotta call my wife!

Dude, fuck.

I don't even know what it is.

Me either.

This party fucking blows, man.

Let's go light it up.

Do they have karaoke or something?

- They have that here? - Okay.

- Yay! - Oh!

(vocalizing unintelligibly)

Rock on!

? I was like, oh, my God, what did I do ?

? To deserve this, what did I do ?

? The justice system is fucked, the justice system is fucked ?

My dresser drawer, it'll be on the back

of the frame broiler receipt.

Sheila, it's a legitimate market.

(vocalizing)

? ?

(applauding)

Holy fuck.

(clapping)

Woo!

(applauding)

Somebody make me a fucking Moscow Mule.

Yeah, I can!

Anybody have any limes?

No, when I go to the zoo I don't go to the giraffes.

I just don't go to the zoo, there's all sorts

- of terrifying monsters there. - I know, it's really like...

Have you seen how slow turtles move?

- No. - No.

- That's cool, like I don't... - Who writes a children's book

about the Spanish Inquisition?

(slurping)

That seems awesome.

(streaming)

"I'm a writer," ugh.

(slapping)

? Who is in the house babe ?

? Who is in the house, who is in the house babe ?

? Maya's in the house ?

You need to be a singer.

- I am a singer. - No, I mean like a real singer.

I would buy your album, like...

(snapping)

That fast, like that.

Thank you.

I wanna be a dancer.

Like ballet, or...?

- Hip-hop. - No way.

Seriously, I even wrote my own raps

from, like, 7th grade

- until senior year. - Oh, wow.

I just love the art form.

You know, it's like my, uh...

- my dream. - What about acting, though?

Uh, guess I just kinda fucking hate it right now.

- No, you love it. - No.

You're doing so well right now.

I really don't.

I'm on a stupid fucking ABC Family show.

I have the same three lines every episode.

"Greg, I'm home!"

Cue audience applause that's fake.

- Credits roll. - What about the, um...

what was it... the drug addiction episode?

Oh, my God, like,

chopped onions, bawled my eyes out, man.

(overlapping conversations)

Okay, it did suck a big dick.

A big old dickie!

But, also gained me, like

a big old checkie!

Which is cool, 'cause I basically had nothing.

I had my place.

Just got some cool clothes, cool beanie, but...

- But what? - I don't know.

- I'm just... - But what?

? ?

I just wanna, like...

I wanna dance, hip-hop.

I wanna, like, teach underdeveloped kids.

You know, like,

give back something.

- I wanna... - Kyle.

Hm?

You know what you need to do now.

No, I don't, what?

I need you to dance

right now.

(chuckling)

- I'm serious. - Here, what,

- in front of all these people? - Yeah.

- Just watching. - Absolutely.

No way, I'm not gonna...

- Are you serious right now? - I am so serious.

I'm not gonna, like... are you seriously serious?

- I am seriously serious. - Are you serious?

I am serious.

'Cause I carry this with me wherever I go.

Oh, dude.

(clicking)

? ?

? Mortal Kombat ?

? ?

? Sonic bass ?

? ?

? Mortal Kombat ?

? ?

(chuckling)

Who fucking threw that?

Who the fuck threw that?

Who fucking threw that?

Who fucking...?

Just kidding, power acting.

Robert De Niro!

? ?

? Mortal Kombat ?

? ?

? Mortal Kombat ?

? ?

? Sonic bass ?

? Gonna drop the bomb on you, baby ?

I love that song, like, so much.

- I love that song. - ? It's a... drop a bomb on me ?

? Baby, you dropped a bomb on me ?

- I've never been a bird guy. - Oh, my gosh, I know,

I think the scariest animal to me is a giraffe.

? Baby, boo ?

- And my dad is like... whoa. - Whoa.

What is that?

? Dropped a bomb on me ?

- ? Baby ? - Are you throwing limes?

- Goddamnit! - Maybe.

I'm only gonna ask you this once,

I need you to rind your own business, okay?

That was a really funny dad joke.

That was a solid dad joke.

Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Yeah, you wanna tell one about my dad?

Huh?

You wanna tell a dad joke about my dad?

All right, I'm sorry I brought that up.

'Cause they're really, really funny,

because my... my dad is dead.

My dad died, it's so...

- Uh... - ...funny.

Sorry, Harper, I didn't... I didn't mean to.

"I'm so sorry, Harper, I didn't mean to say..."

(unintelligible)

You're being a little child, seriously.

- Oh, I'm being a little child? - I think we should, uh...

I am not the one that's walking around all day long

with brick walls strapped to my back,

telling jokes to people in food courts

that they don't even wanna hear.

- Are we being serious right now? - I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding.

Rebecca, you know what... you're Rebecca?

It's Christine, actually.

That... you know what, you know.

You know that I know...

- Let's... let's do some shots. - No.

- Let's do some shots. - No, no, no, no, no.

No, we're not doing... no fucking way.

You've had more than enough to drink.

You've had enough to drink for everybody fucking here.

Yeah, because they're a bunch of fucking pussies.

- Don't tell me what to do. - Dude, serious...

- Goddamnit. - I can drink whatever the fuck

- I want, leave me alone! - Clearly not.

Yes, I can, you don't even give a shit about me!

- That's fucking bullshit! - No, it's not!

- I'm trying to fucking help you. - You're the one that's

- supposed to be helping me. - I am fucking helping you

- right now. - With fucking Veronica Mars

over there... look at those fucking glasses.

Are you fucking kidding me right now?

- They're prescription. - You don't even like her!

- Leave her out of this, this... - No, I won't!

This is about you and you being a fucking bitch right now!

- You're being the asshole! - You're a fucking asshole!

You're supposed to be having fun with me,

and you're not doing anything but hanging out with that girl!

Everybody... everybody's trying to fucking help you

and you're being a shithead to everyone!

- Fuck you, fuck you! - Fuck you, fuck you!

You're supposed to know better, you know that my dad died!

My father is dead,

and you don't give a shit.

Nobody is ever here with me, I'm alone!

I am always laughing, I am always fun,

and it's like I don't even have a voice!

I'm sorry your father's dead.

(sobbing)

But now, this party's dead.

Oh, fuck, sorry.

Don't... no... I'm sorry... no, no, no, no, yes, I am.

- Damnit. - Let me fucking smack you!

- Let me slap you! - I'm not gonna let you

- hit me again, stop. - She's got problems, dude.

Stop, stop, stop.

Stop, stop.

(unintelligible)

Don't, please... sorry, everyone.

Come on, I just need to get some more whiskey.

- Come on, let's get it. - No, no, no, no, nope.

- No, come on, come on, come on. - No, I just need...

- No, we're going. - Let go of me!

We're going, we're going.

I just need some more whiskey.

Don't slam the door.

(slamming)

Heavy stuff, right?

Yeah.

You have any coke?

Have you ever been to the desert?

I'm gonna take you home, it's gonna be okay.

- All right. - Okay, I don't need your help.

(sighing)

Oh, I need your help, I'm gonna puke, hold my hair.

Okay.

(retching)

(coughing)

(groaning)

Okay, yep.

(sobbing)

? ?

You're all right.

? ?

It's okay.

(crying)

? ?

Come on, let's go.

- Let's go. - Let's do it.

Okay.

I'm gonna drive you home, girl, get up.

Make your feet work, make your legs work.

All the way up, all the way.

(groaning)

I got your purse.

? ?

Ugh, fuck.

So, what are you?

(slurping)

I'm a comedian.

(clinking)

What are... what are you?

I save lives.

(deeply inhaling)

(groaning)

(grunting)

Oh, yes.

Mm.

(burping)

I thought Harper told me that you were a dental hygienist.

Just because I wear scrubs that doesn't mean

- I work for a dentist. - Oh, because I always...

(overlapping remarks)

Hey, hey!

Morning, sunshine.

Oh, wow.

You look really bad.

Pop a seat here, let me make you a plate.

- Alrighty. - Good morning.

I am off to work.

On a Sunday?

Yep, no rest for the convalescent.

Actually that's all they do.

The eggs were okay, thank you, Justin.

- It's Dusty. - Uh-huh.

Finally met your ghost roommate.

Roommate?

But, I don't have a roommate.

Whoa!

No, but seriously,

she is the worst.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

(indistinct TV voices)

Hey, I hope you don't mind, I had to, uh...

I had to steal a sweatshirt from you since you

donked all over me last night.

Ugh, God.

I'm so sorry.

- Don't worry about it. - I feel so stupid.

Ah, you're not stupid, you just drink too much.

It's not a big deal.

My dad sent me a card in the mail.

Oh, God, it's so weird, it's just from him.

Probably the first card I've ever gotten just from him.

He must've sent it while he was in the hospital or something,

I don't know, but I can't look at it.

You haven't read it?

No.

I don't know, I... I can't do it.

Oh, God, I have so many memories of him

from when I was a little kid.

He'd just make me laugh.

Whenever we'd leave a restaurant,

he'd grab toothpicks, and shove 'em

in between his teeth, and so when we got in the car,

he'd turn around and be like, "Got anything in my teeth?"

(chuckling)

God, he was such a dork, but I loved it.

And then, time went on, and Dad started going away

a little bit more.

And then, it was replaced with comments

about how I'm not good enough, or smart enough,

or thin enough for any of that stuff.

I thought it was just gonna go on for a little bit,

like he was in a bad mood or something,

but it went on for years.

Pissed me off so much.

Like all I did

was try to make him smile,

I'd try to make him laugh.

Tried to make him proud of me.

Nothing worked, so,

I just said, "Fuck it, it's not worth my time,

I give up."

Then, he got cancer.

So, I flew home and all that.

I was expecting the same person, I was expecting that asshole

that had been around for so many years.

? ?

And it was him again, from when I was a little kid.

He was telling jokes, and having a good time,

and giving us hugs, and everything.

It was everything I ever wanted.

? ?

And then, he died.

I can't open that letter because if I do

it's gonna remind me of everything I was cheated.

All that time, and for what?

He's gone, and all I have is a fucking card.

Why would he do that?

Maybe he was afraid, uh...

Of his own daughter?

Afraid of being powerless,

or not living up to his expectations or yours.

Such a waste of fucking time.

I can't live my life like that, I won't do it.

I would think...

If that's the case, I think you're gonna have to

read that letter.

Oh, God.

Listen, I'm not saying you have to go over there

and open it right now.

Do it whenever you feel ready, honestly.

But, the longer you let it sit in that drawer,

the longer it's just gonna eat you up inside,

and that's not fair to anyone, especially not you.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Oh, my God, I smacked you, didn't I?

Yeah, pretty, pretty good, too.

God, I smacked you so hard.

- I'm so sorry. - You kept swinging.

- Oh, God. - I actually typically have to

pay women 50, 60 bucks to get that kind of abuse,

so I felt like I came out on top of that deal.

I know, that girl, tell her I'm so sorry.

- She was really, really nice. - Veronica Rebecca?

- Holy shit. - Christine's already texted me.

She's fine, she had a couple hilarious jokes

about last night, and so.

- You were so mean. - Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Hey, do you want my advice?

Yeah.

Please, go ahead.

I think you should take the day off,

order some junk food, a chicken-fried steak,

fries, chili, cheese,

anything that you could think of,

get under a blanket, get a bunch of bad movies going.

Yeah, we can watch a bunch of kung fu movies.

I think you're gonna have to do it alone.

You probably just need to avoid some distractions,

and just spend the day

putting in some good energy, reflecting on things,

and taking care of what you need to take care of.

Then on Monday, you'll wake up and you start doing

what you just told me.

What's that?

Stop fucking wasting time.

- Yeah, I'm right. - Okay.

(chuckling)

You're right.

Hey, um, I actually have to go.

I have a deadline for a spec pilot

that I've been putting off a little bit.

Just hearing those words come out of my mouth

feels a little douchey, so I apologize,

- but, uh... - I'm... I'm proud of you.

Will you also wash my jeans?

- Yes, sorry. - You think an Uber will let me

get into a car like this, or is it too sexy?

Wanna borrow some of my leggings?

Maybe.

- All right, let's do this. - Go get 'em, tiger.

Yeah, let's do this.

(exhaling heavily)

(groaning)

- I'm gonna go. - Okay.

All right, I'll talk to you Monday.

- Okay. - All right, bye.

Bye.

? ?

(door closing)

? ?

? I've been busy filling up pages ?

? ?

? I've been busy filling up rooms ?

? ?

? I'm all done with scheming and cobwebs ?

? Been heavier than you ?

(clanking)

? ?

? I've been busy giving up silos ?

? Selling all the storage for cash ?

? Giving her the cars and the waters ?

? Where's the splash ?

Flora, you sly son of a bitch.

? ?

? I will crawl to you empty ?

? Throw away my silver spoon ?

? I will come to you empty ?

? ?

? Give them better news ?

? ?

? I will crawl to you empty ?

? ?

? Hope you never even see the chains ?

? ?

? I will come to you empty ?

? ?

? With no hustle left ?

? ?

(indistinct singing)

? ?

Hey, um, Kyle, is this for a role?

Because I need to put it in your schedule today.

I don't think I'm gonna do this pilot anymore.

Why?

What we talked about on Saturday, and...

I don't know if you can notice, but,

I've changed.

There was a moment in the desert

as the sun rose in the east,

an eagle flew

across the horizon,

landed right in front of me,

looked me in the eye,

told me I had a different path.

- Talked to you? - With its eyes, yes.

What it'd say?

It said I had to dance, specifically hip-hop.

That's great, I mean,

what about the pilot, though?

Uhh...

I don't know how long this crazy ride

can go on, Harper.

I never really wanted it... I mean, no, I did,

I really, really wanted it, but now,

just...

I think deep down, I'm a...

I'm just really sad.

You can't be sad, man, you're one of

the most positive people I know.

Do you know why I hired you as my personal assistant?

'Cause you needed to get a lot of work done, and needed help.

My agent asked to me to hire a personal assistant

to look more high profile.

And I did it, because I, uh...

Just needed a friend.

Kyle Fairchild, I know, must have just like

a butt load of fucking friends, but...

I don't.

It's not even my loft.

It's an Airbnb.

I'm sick of this.

I miss my family back home.

- Don't they live here? - They're like

always on vacation.

Well, you know what?

I am your friend, and I think

you're gonna get everything you want in life.

(whirring)

Okay.

- I'll do the pilot. - Yay!

I'm still gonna take the dance classes

- I signed up for. - Well, that's perfect then,

because this show might named Untitled Rap Musical.

The fuck out of here.

- Eagle knew. - Yeah.

Yeah, it did.

Hi, guys, we're going to the theater.

Okay, your laugh looked really unnatural,

so, like, let's try it again.

Hi, guys, so we're really excited,

- 'cause we're going out tonight. - Mhm.

Which is so cool, right?

- Everyone wants to do that... - Oh, hey.

Hey.

(whirring)

Uh, this is Jen, my girlfriend that I told you about.

Oh, my gosh, he's told me all about you.

Oh, uh, the neighbor, right?

Yeah, we borrow each other's sugar

- from time to time. - Yeah.

Oh, cool.

Grocery day, you're using those, uh, coupons?

Yeah, um,

just picking up stuff for a juice cleanse,

you know, typical LA bullshit.

Not at all, cleanses are really great.

I mean, I do them all the time.

They're really good for you.

She says that.

We're going to the Greek Theater,

- we're gonna see a show. - Oh, cool.

Yeah, Imaginary Dragons, they're like

the best metal band ever.

- Well, have fun. - Yeah.

Aren't you doing anything tonight?

Uh, yeah, actually, um,

- I am. - Oh, awesome.

- Nice meeting you. - Nice meeting you, too.

- Okay. - All right, have fun, guys.

Bye.

? ?

I think that that worked kind of,

but... but we got, like, this weird kind of...

like unknown energy that I'm really just not digging.

? ?

Greg, I'm home!

(applauding)

? ?

? ?

Okay.

? ?

(rustling papers)

? ?

(sighing)

? ?

(sighing)

? ?

(rustling)

? ?

(woman singing opera)

? ?

(sobbing)

? ?

? Lord knows I've been up ?

? Lord knows I've been down ?

? I've been down every beaten path ?

? On a merry-go round ?

? Lord knows I've been good ?

? Less times than bad ?

? Hell I've done ruin every thing ?

? that I ever had ?

? Just take me on that long ride ?

? Through the night and just get me back home ?

? Cause I've done seen everything that I need ?

? And I'd rather be alone ?

? Oh just take me on that long ride ?

? Through the night and just get me back home ?

? Cause I've done seen everything that I need ?

? And I'd rather be alone ?

30 EA, take one.

(clacking)

And go ahead, guys.

My people were always telling me, like, I need a...

like a coat like this, and I'm like, uh...

why... what... how do I even get something like that?

- Yo, you came to the right guy. - Ha!

- Yeah? - Yeah, you can just hire me

- as your stylist. - You serious?

- Yeah. - You know who I am, right?

- I do now. - Ow!

Yeah, don't even, like, joke that you don't know who I am,

- right? - This guy.

? Fuck ?

All right, good.

(laughing)

Cam cuts.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull