Original subtitles

- Andy, my phone is Amelia Earhart.

Totally M.I.A.

- Actually, scientists just found female remains in Kiribati

and believe she might have died a castaway.

I sent you the link.

- There are going to be Andy remains in here

if you don't help me find my phone.

- I'm sure it's here somehwere.

- Do you have a secret stash of trash bags?

I think we're all out.

[intercom buzzes]

- Hello?

[Vanessa through intercom] Let's roll.

Los Angelenos aren't going to judge themselves.

- Okay coming!

- Hon, what time's your flight?

- Eight twenty five.

Can you call my phone?

- You got to go!

[cell phone rings]

- Hazel, seriously?

- I wouldn't have to steal your phone

if I had my own.

- Hell to the not now.

- Hun, do you think I should leave work early

for Hazel's half day or call a sitter?

- Andy, I have faith that you can handle

being a single parent for 48 hours.

- If I had my own phone I could get myself a car.

- See, that's how it starts,

and then it goes into duck-face Instagram selfies,

and God forbid Snapchat,

where you think your stories disappear,

but nothing disappears, Hazel.

Nothing!

- Please, Mom!

- No!

- [screaming] Ugh!

- [screaming] Blah!

- We'll discuss this another time.

- We just discussed it.

[intercom incessantly buzzes]

- Ugh!

- Love you!

- Love you, too!

[theme music] * Hey yes you know

* I'm feeling fine I'm feeling fine *

- Why is this line so long?

I thought people in LA didn't eat solid food.

- Because this food truck has a better publicist

than Chrissy Teigen.

- It's 75 degrees out.

Do you think that guy is cold or bald?

- Oh, I think that's a slasher.

- Like a murderer?

- No, like a model slash actor slash

barista at the Pressed Douchery.

- Is it bad I'd still bang him?

- The vag wants what it wants.

- It wants out-of-town sex.

It's always so much better.

- Next!

Welcome to Slurger where size does matter.

- Okay, what exactly is a slurger?

- It's smaller than a burger,

but bigger than a slider,

so it's better for you and the environment.

- Happy to do our part.

So how many do you recommend?

- Most people are satisfied after one and a half.

- Great, we'll take three.

- Slurgers are only sold in even numbers.

- My blood sugar is lower than Satan's nutsack.

- We'll take four.

- Give me four slurgers.

- I got this.

[phone beeps]

- I couldn't do this city without you.

Thank you so much for coming.

- Are you kidding?

Thank you for giving up a business class ticket.

We haven't traveled together

since we celebrated my divorce across Europe.

- I wonder if we're still banned from Prague.

We used to be so much fun.

- We still are.

You go nail your fashion shoot

then we'll party till dawn.

- Four slurgers!

- You wanted to see me, Dr. V?

- Yes. Thanks to an influx of anonymous investments,

we are looking to accelerate the mission.

- By how much?

- Three years.

If we can perfect the landing

so the shuttle doesn't explode upon impact,

we hope to launch by the end of this quarter.

- Oh, wow.

- Which is why this final test

is more crucial than ever.

- If selected, you will travel farther and longer

than any human ever has.

Being more isolated and confined than we can fathom.

- I got this.

- I hope so recruit von Weber.

I've seen the strongest recruits crack due to

claustrophobia and unresolved childhood trauma.

- Whatever it is, I'm ready for it.

Now let's get up in there and show Mars what's up.

Earth on three.

- Recruit von Weber, entering isolation chamber.

- All right MarsX,

meet Mars Lex!

[The Blue Danube Waltz plays]

- Vital signs normal.

Commencing The Matt Damon Challenge.

- Oh, it seems we have a stowaway.

[The Blue Danube Waltz continues to play]

-Wanna play catch?

My brother, Andy, taught me how to throw.

We used to play catch all the time.

Hmm? Ah, no, no, Dad never came.

[clears throat]

- Fifteen minutes in.

Recruit exhibiting signs of mental fragility.

Andy: This is such a nice surprise.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

- Well, as you know I'm launching launch Von Weber

boutiques in every Saks in the country.

So, I have been noodling something

and I need investment banker contacts.

- Brooke, Are you talking about an IPO?

- Oh, no, no, no.

The first rule of going public

is you don't talk about it in public.

- That's really exciting.

I'll make some email introductions.

- Thank you.

- And I'm very touched

that you would come to me with Lex gone.

- How are you holding up without Jill?

- So far so good.

How much can I mess up in one day?

- I guess the fact that Candace

has taken an interest helps.

She and Hazel have been Instagraming up a storm today.

- Mother has an Instagram account?

- No, Hazel does.

I just started following her this afternoon.

She's funny. Here, read this. See? Edgy.

- I'm a dead man.

Jill told Hazel no cellphones.

Mother must have gotten her one.

- Candace got what for Hazel?

- It's Jill. What do I do?

- You man up and handle it.

- Right.

- Vaness, I'm back.

You look scalding hot!

- Thank you. How was the shoot?

- It was not easy, but it was a success.

- These are amazing!

Who would have thought someone so anti-animal

could capture the humanity of a pug with a perm?

- I spent all day with them

and I still don't see the appeal of pets:

they don't laugh at your jokes

and did not raise an ironic eyebrow

when served Purrgers for lunch.

- Purrgers?

- Slurgers has another truck for the pet set.

This town is just so ridiculous.

- Is that why you look like

somebody stole your bike?

- No, I just couldn't even be here without Andy.

He's control-top- panty-hose-supportive

and I totally snapped at him.

And I totally yelled at Hazel.

I don't want my uterus to cock block yours.

You should go without me.

- No way!

- Yeah, I think I should just order room service

and try Andy again.

Don't hate me?

- Never. But if I'm losing my wing woman

I gotta up my shoe game.

- Hey, honey. How's it going?

- I've been trying you all day, is everything okay?

- Everything's perfect.

Miles is practicing the recorder,

Dottie's putting the finishing touches

on her Empire State Building

and I even picked up trash bags.

Glad ones with the 5 day odor control!

- I wish we had those when the twins were in diapers.

- Hey, so how'd the Petwigs shoot go?

- Great, but I miss you guys.

And I'm so sorry about this morning.

- Aw honey. Don't worry about it.

We miss you too.

- Even Hazel?

Can I talk to her?

- Yeah, Hazel honey, your mom wants to talk to you.

- Hi, Mommy. Can I have a cellphone?

- What? What is with you kids? No Miles.

- Why not? Candace got Hazel one.

- Put your father on the phone.

- Daddy, Mommy wants to talk to you.

- Hi hon.

- Everything is perfect, Superdad?

- Nothing to report?

- Honey, look I can explain everything.

- I don't want to hear it.

- You still want to talk to Hazel?

- I don't want to talk to any Webers right now.

Vanessa, I'm coming!

- So I should keep the dinner rez?

- Eff dinner. Let's get shit faced.

- Recruit exhibiting congnitive dissonance.

- [laughing hysterically] You don't get it, Wilson.

The only thing I know about my dad was that

he was always working

or running around with some secretary or

doing some pointless adventure

to fill his empty, stupid life.

I mean- huh? No! Take it back.

I am not like him. Wilson! Take it back!

Wilson! Wilson!

I'm not like my dad.

["Moonlight Sonata" plays]

Wilson!

I'm not like my dad.

["Moonlight Sonata" continues]

[lively rock music plays]

- Thank you, Sunset Strip,

for resisting the winds of change.

Same beer piss smell,

same mediocre band squeaking through sound check.

Same tramp stamped ass cracks

hanging out of Daisy Dukes.

- Last time we were here it wasn't a mediocre band,

it was Metallica.

- Forgive me, I was blackout.

- Tonight we party like it's 1995.

- Yes! May I please see your wine list?

- Two Long Island iced teas.

[squeals of delight]

Jill: Best LA night ever!

I can't believe you gave that Hot Rocker guy your number.

- He was a really good kisser.

- Hey, I just had Zack Braff in here

and he's directing a commercial he thought

I'd be great for.

- Oh, congrats.

- So I've gotta record a voice-over audition,

if you two could zip it for a few.

- Are you serious?

[trills tongue]

Buh-duh-guh-duh. Buh-dug-guh-duh.

How now brown cow?

- I think he's serious.

- Take one.

If you're a man with unfortunately small hands,

but still want a glove with masculine style- shit.

Take two.

If you're a man with unfortunately small hands

but still want a glove-

[car horn honks]

Take three.

- I'ma take three stars off your rating

for telling customers to "zip it".

Driver: We're here.

Jill: Good luck with Zach!

Hey! We want to go to the Sunset Tower,

not 9021-Ho, Dennis.

- My name is Justin, not Dennis.

D'Anthony?!

- We got in the wrong car!

That's what we get for womaning up

and deleting the Uber app.

- I was so ready to dive my face

into a plate of room service french fries.

- It says there's a car either 5 or 55 minutes away.

It's 5...5. - Oh shit!

- Is that Dave Navarro?

- I love him so much.

His music got me through all my teenage heartbreaks!

I'm going in there.

- To a strip club?

- Nothing makes me saddens me more than a woman

with dolla dolla bills in her ass crack,

but if I don't say hi I will never forgive myself.

- Let's do it!

[ambiant strip club sounds]

- No-varro!

How does a rockstar just vanish into thin air?

- Are we staying 'cause I'll get wings.

- Ugh, people don't eat here!

- Strip clubs have the best wings.

- I clitorally can't even.

- What are you two drinking?

That group of guys over there

wants to buy you a round.

- I'm loving this city.

- Kamikazes, for old times' sake.

- Woo! And wings please!

Emcee: Let's hear it for Whorey Spelling.

[cheers and applause] - Woo! Whorey!

11 o'clock! My 15-year-old self's crush.

[sighs]

He's Houdini!

And I'm starting to feel like

we're in a David Lynch movie.

- And I'm getting strong tapeworm vibes

from those bacon wrapped hot dogs,

but I'm so hungry it might be worth it.

[text message ping]

Or I just got a text from Hot Rocker Guy

inviting us to a party.

- No, you're gonna go get laid and I'm gonna be stuck

holding some guy named Dov's iguana

while he vapes and makes me watch his webseries.

- No, what if we make this the night of yes

and go wherever it takes us?

- Yeah, right now, mothers everywhere are

tethered to their sleeping children with no hope

of salvation but to pickle themselves in wine.

So for moms everywhere,

let's party!

- Unless it sucks.

Then we leave.

[dance music]

- This does not suck!

[dance music]

- So far I've seen Jenny Aniston, Tatum Channing,

and I heard Breckin Meyer was bartending,

but no Hot Rocker Guy.

What's his name again? Trent?

- If your name's Trent you have to be a hot rocker.

He was hot right?

- All I saw was hair and tonsil hockey.

- Hey, Vanessa. - Hey...you.

This is an amazing house.

- Yeah, it's Tom Morello's but Zac Efron's assistant,

he's house sitting.

Can I give you a tour?

- I'd like that.

- Hey, I'm Dylan.

- Oh, hi, I'm Jill.

- Nice to meet you.

Listen, we're about to get started on the real fun,

did you want to be teamed up?

- Oh thanks, but I'ma just do "me" tonight,

but you guys should totally do each other.

No judgement.

- We're not poly.

I mean, Jake and Gaby and Nadia are poly,

but we were just going to get into some running charades.

- Well tonight's the night of yes, so...yes!

- Okay!

- Take your shirt off.

- You take your shirt off

Okay, I'll take shirt off now.

- Jake! Gaby! Nadia! All eyes on Justin.

. You can follow that other throuple

to the pool house after we've prevailed!

- Give it up, Jill.

- No shot, Dylan.

Movie.

- Threesome.

- Three words.

Third word.

Sounds like...

Volcano! Eruption!

- Vicky Cristina Barcelona!

- First word.

- Breaking, sounds like breaking, Chasing Amy!

- [scoffs] Come on hipster Jesus

show us your powers!

Broke.

Brokeback.

Brokeback Mountain!

That's only two words, but, yay!

[upbeat music]

[collective gasps]

- I'm okay! It's all good.

I'm okay.

- How's that? - It's amazing.

It's really good.

- You want it slower? - No it's good, it's good.

- Something's wrong.

- Nothing is wrong.

You are perfect, and have exemplary technique.

I'm just...starving.

- No, no, no no don't go!

Please? I'll power through.

- Jesus Christ. There's always something.

- So close.

- Pepperoni or nightshade veggie,

with cashew cheese and cauliflower crust?

[shrieks with delight]

Mmm. Oh!

[guitar riff]

- Sensory deprivation finds recruit von Weber

withdrawn and diassociative.

- Wilson! Wilson.

Just no- just listen to me.

My dad swam into the mouth of a shark for himself

and his self alone.

I am going to Mars not for me.

I am going to Mars for all of humanity.

["Space Oddity" plays]

- [singing] * Ground Control to Major Tom *

* Commencing countdown, engines on *

* Check ignition and may God's love be with you *

- [singing] * This is Ground Control to Major Tom *

* You've really made the grade *

- [singing] * And the papers want to know *

* whose shirts you wear

[both] * Now it's time to leave the capsule *

* if you dare

- * This is Major Tom to Ground Control *

- * I'm stepping through the door *

- [singing] * And I'm floating in a most peculiar way *

- [singing] * And the stars look

[trills tongue] * very different today

- [singing] * Though I'm past one hundred *

* thousand miles I'm feeling very still *

- [singing] * And I think my spaceship knows *

* which way to go

- * Tell my wife I love her very much *

* She knows

- [singing] * Ground Control to Major Tom *

- [singing] * Your circuit's dead *

* there's something wrong

[all] * Can you hear me Major Tom *

* Can you hear me Major Tom *

* Can you hear me Major Tom *

[gasps]

- Is that? - Navarro!

- Who?

That's really funny that you said that

'cause I totally thought she was Kristen Stewart

when I first met her,

but that's Poppy, Efron's assistant.

- Ground control to major bum.

- Oh my God it's 3am.

- No! I don't want to be responsible.

- Weber, are you kidding me?

It's shots o'clock!

With a kombucha chaser.

[upbeat music]

- Ah! - Woo!

- Ack! Uh-uh.

- Hey. You two okay?

- I promise, we're so good.

- Best night ever.

- Those never make for good mornings.

- Holy shit! - It's Jill's addiction.

- Do you guys need a ride someplace?

Or did you plan to sleep in the Saddle Ranch parking lot?

- Oh no, we're staying at the Sunstrip Hotel.

- Well, you almost made it.

I'm impressed.

- We impressed Dave Navarro.

- Oh my God!

- I am still here.

- Dave Navarro's still here.

- Okay. You guys have a good day.

- I love you!

[horn honks] - Oh.

- I have a million apology texts from Andy,

seven missed calls from Dottie's school,

and...a text from Hazel.

Hi, Mom. I'm sorry,

I know it was wrong to get the phone.

I'll take it back.

- Ready to go home now?

- Definitely.

- Ow.

[gasps and laughs]

- When did that happen?

- For more Odd Mom Out,

go to bravotv.com.