Original subtitles

- Ahh, orgasmatron.

This is just the kind of pampering I needed

after UTH kicked my ath.

- And whipped it, slapped it, pickled it.

It was like 50 Shades of Spa.

- Now I'll be all preened and polished

as I descend into Hades for my job.

- Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that shoot, Jill.

Actually, that's not true.

I don't have a good feeling.

- It's a national campaign!

- For Brooke.

- For myself!

I still can't believe she asked me.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

- Oh, she throws you in a hole

and asks you to rub lotion on its skin.

- I hadn't thought of that.

Woman: Four manicures, please.

Oh, hey Jill.

- Hey guys.

- What part of your life did this crew crawl out of?

- [whispering] They're moms in Hazel's class.

- So, how are things [coughs] downtown?

- Lila, I'm in agony. - Me too.

This box is on fire.

Move over Alicia Keys.

- What time is your shoot? - Shh.

- I went to Clyde's and Pasteur.

There's no Monistat left on the shelves.

It's like there's a run on it.

- If men had vageens, Mom-istat would be

in hand pumps in public bathrooms across the country.

- Seriously.

- Lulu, Margaret, do you guys have it too?

- Are we on the same cycle?

Is there a cycle for yeast infections?

- I don't think so.

I had my fair share of critch in college,

but it was never this bad.

I almost molested my desktop cactus.

And I can't so much as look at cottage cheese.

- Something's rotten and I'm gonna crack it wide open.

[theme music] * Hey yes you know

* I'm feeling fine I'm feeling fine *

- Jill, I'd like to do a quick walk-through of the line.

- Sure!

- Since my life-altering trip to India,

I've only been able to think about two things:

tabletop and housewares.

I need these jewel tones to be vibrant.

- Well styling opposing hues together

will really make them pop in the photos.

- Perfect. Diana Vreeland once said,

"Pink is the navy blue of India," and it's true.

Now, more than ever.

- So I was expecting some more animal prints.

Didn't you guys see like tigers and elephants

and shit on your East Asian safari?

- What happens on safari stays on safari.

- What, did you make like a dentist and gun down Mufasa?

- Oh!

[Indian-style music]

So here we have a tasseled throw pillow

and a sequin-rimmed bolster.

Great, right?

Ugh, and I love this doormat.

Over here are Hindu-inspired steak knives.

They have uh, leather sheath and handle.

Feel. Don't you just love their girth?

- I'm pretty sure steak is verboten?

- Oh, and this is a Taj Mahal dog bed. Cute.

And these are some serving trays.

These are coasters here and-

- Whoa, whoa! - Here we have-

- Brooke, Von Weber cannot sell objects

that have swastikas on them.

- They're Devanagari.

It's the Indian symbol for Luck.

They're the good kind of swastika.

- It's not cholesterol.

There is no "good kind" of swastika.

- Girls, Jill is vetoing the trays.

- The swastikas?

Oh, come now.

The design isn't even that big.

At worst, they're just a little Nazi.

- The phrase, "little Nazi," only makes sense

if it's referring to Hitler youth.

- Okay, fine. They're killed.

- Thank you. Okay, let's start.

So I'm picturing these Vishnu and Shiva salt and pepper

shakers with the sapphire placemats.

Why don't you guys set those?

- You're finally ready.

- Well I've been prepping all week.

- No, I mean, at this point in your career.

I couldn't lift you up before

because I couldn't reach down that low.

You had to climb.

- Thank you?

[energetic rock music]

[phone ringing]

- If this isn't about the itch sitch, I can't talk.

- Well I have two more cases: Parker and Simone!

- So it's a larger population in the affected hot zone

than we thought.

- No, that's the thing!

They're not moms at Hazel's school.

They're at Nightingale and Sacred Heart.

- Ah! A new locus of infection!

I smell an epidemic.

- Where are Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo

in full-on hazmat suits?

We need to find that monkey.

- Slow down.

First I need to make an accurate diagnosis,

and since I can't examine these women,

I need you to collect more data.

- Okay, I'll just zip over to Duane Reade

and pick up a speculum.

- Is the discharge white and chunky?

Or colorless and frothy?

- [gags] Chunder mid-espohagus and rising.

- I need to determine if the infection is yeast or bacterial.

- I'm hanging up.

- At least tell me if it smells like

a clam chowder bread bowl when you walk by!

- Ew. Bye!

[uplifting music]

- Welcome, recruit von Weber.

- Wait, hold on.

Let's take a selfie.

You ready? - Mmm-hmm.

[phone camera clicks]

[zipping and velcro ripping]

[upbeat music]

Instructor: Over the course of the next two days,

we will test your abilities in engineering,

navigation,

native landscape awareness

and fitness.

The trip to Mars will take an extreme toll on your body.

So only those in peak physical and mental condition

will make the cut.

Do you have what it takes?

[camera flash clicking]

- You know what Todd, I think we need to take this strobe

down a stop. Thank you.

All right, let's take the hand mirror,

the letter opener with the paper weights on a lucite cube

with the linens fanned out underneath.

- Jill. I say this with all due respect,

but you do what you do, and let us do what we do.

- What is it that you do?

- This is our jurisdiction.

- Simone, it's a product shoot, not a murder case.

- Not yet.

- How's it going?

- Great, this place is

a photographer's wet dream.

- Booking it was the last good thing

that asshole Devon did before I was forced to fire him.

- Have you heard from him at all?

- Not a peep.

He's probably back to steaming sweater sets

at Ann Taylor Loft.

I don't miss him.

- Thanks for coming down to the Village, Mother.

- Well, I love the Village, but I most certainly

don't understand the appeal of this restaurant.

- Oh, it's fun!

We take the kids here all the time.

- Why would I pay if I have to cook my own food?

- I'll cook the food, how about that?

- All right, fine. Now the reason I wanted

to meet is that I'm very concerned about Alexander

and his looming failure as a martian.

- What do you mean?

- MarsX is looking for experts.

The only thing Lex has put 10,000 hours into

is manscaping.

- With all due respect, Mother,

Lex has achieved extraordinary success

with no discernible skill set.

- Well, I don't think he's going to be able to

charm his way onto that rocket.

And as his mother, I cannot be expected to comfort him

when he's rejected.

So you're just going to have to

step up and Swiffer the mess.

- Andy Weber, the man, the myth, the legend!

- Hey, how's it going, Spencer?

- Epic Dads' Night, buddy.

Thanks for introducing me to that wine place.

I'm taking these guys there tonight

to celebrate our new Kyoto deal.

Leader-ship!

- Dads' Night?

- It was a big success.

- Anderson, have I taught you nothing?

You can never do too good a job

or they'll expect you to keep doing it.

You have to do the bare minimum in life.

- First up,the sliced Kobe beef.

Give that a good sear for thirty seconds before flipping.

- Gotcha, thanks very much!

- And my boss would kill me

if he knew I was saying this,

but I love the way you present!

You are serving silver-screen realness today!

Extra fishy, Candy Ass!

- What the hell did he just say?

- I don't know.

- Does this perfume smell fishy to you?

[disco music]

[horror tune]

- I know what's plagueing the Upper East Side.

All of these moms have strepgina!

- So you're saying all these ladies have strep throat

but in their vagina?

- Indeed.

- I've never heard of that.

Is it common?

- Individual cases are not uncommon,

but an outbreak is.

We've got to figure out

what's linking these women together.

- Maybe it's those gel seats at spin class?

Those always felt gross to me.

- No, it has to be direct contact

and they're not riding naked.

Unless there's a new theme ride at SoulWheelz

that I don't want to know about.

- What about a waxing salon?

- Talk to me.

- I read about this place in Queens that got busted

for not using linen strips and instead

they just the put the hairy wax back

in the melter thingy between clients.

- Ew.

- It can't be that.

These bitches don't go to Queens

unless they have to fly commercial.

- Obviously, the most common way

for this to proliferate is sex.

So either these ladies are all scissoring each other-

- Not a chance.

- Or they got eaten out by the same guy.

What man could chow that much box

and with strep throat?

What about that hot Columbian spacialist

who organized your closet?

Didn't you tell me boned half his clients?

- He got deported.

- Dottie's Homework Resistance teacher?

- Katie Garner who recommended him hates sex.

She drunkenly confided in me once that she

only sleeps with her husband on their anniversary.

- When was that? Open your Facebook.

- Two weeks ago!

- Blow up the picture.

- He's 80. He's not Patient Zero.

- Hey ladies. - Hey.

- How's it uh...going?

- No, but maybe all of the women

slept with their own husbands-

- And?

- And the husbands all have strep dick!

[creepy tunes]

- God.

- Recruits. Your time starts now.

[inspirational tune]

[Lex reading] Explain the scientific process

of extracting water from Martian soil.

[scoffs]

Label each part

of this liquid propellant rocket engine

with a gas pressure feed system.

What the?

What is the exact distance between

[mispronounces] Schiaparelli Crater

and Olympus Mons?

[scoffs]

[mid-tempo music]

[Lex thinking] "A" ambitious!

"L" Lex. Loyal.

"E" easy, elite.

"X"

I'll come back to it.

"A" ambitio- no. Already used that.

Adaptable.

"N" nice.

"D" dashing, debonair, um, dad-icated.

"E" another "E". Let's see, enthusiastic,

energetic, eager. Eager!

"R" ripped. Duh.

And...xylophone.

Boom!

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, Candy Ass?

Looking fierce!

- I beg your pardon?

- We have tickets to your show tomorrow.

- And where did you say I was performing?

- At Hissy Fist!

- Right, right. I'll see you there at-

- Ten! Living!

- See you there!

[disco music]

- Is there a chance all of these guys are swingers?

- No, I know them.

The only thing they'd share are stock tips.

- Don't shoot me, but I think I have to throw in

the hygienic towelette.

I need some sleep before day two of Slumdog Tableware.

- No! We have to Crockett and Tubbs this!

- We're out of the Malbec, but give this a try.

- Thanks.

Is this that Latvian Grenache?

I really don't know why everyone's jizzing about it.

A patient sent me a bottle as a thank you

and it's just meh.

- Got it from the Dads' Night Out.

We had a wine tasting.

- Show me the website.

- Of what?

- The place you held the wine tasting.

[gasps]

- What the hell?

- You look like how my throat feels.

- There's no Monistat left on the shelves.

- Two more cases.

- Do you guys have it too?

- Parker and Simone.

- I just need to run this culture-

- And I can't so much as look at

[distorted voice] cottage cheese.

- Vanessa?

- I just had a Keyser Soze flashback.

Any chance those Latvian wine sommeliers

were tasting more than tannins?

- You gotta check out the Effervescent Room.

- You have headache?

I have cure.

- Best Dads' Night ever!

- Oh, no. I'm Keyser Soze.

- You figured it out also?

- No, I'm just clumsy.

I'm on the Godfather day of my period.

What are you guys talking about?

- Those Latvian wine sommeliers were escorts!

- The ringleader had strep throat,

which is highly contagious.

If the dads got blowies from her and her cohorts,

they would get sick dick.

- But none of the dads have said anything.

- Because men are asymptomatic as carriers.

They wouldn't have known they'd had it,

so they'd have sex with their wives.

Et voila.

A Strepgina epidemic.

- You're a genius.

You're in deep shit.

- I swear, I didn't know!

Oh God, I'm the chimpanzee.

So I was thinking that we should

swap out the sari maybe for the

- coral? - Coral. Yeah!

- Mind reader!

- No, I love a power clash,

but something about this isn't working.

Look.

There we go.

Perfect.

- The collection's really good, Brooke.

- Thank you. I can't wait to revamp my website

with all your new images.

Did I tell you?

We're going to have an Arranged Marriage Registry.

- What do you mean?

- The couple doesn't pick what they get,

it all just comes, curated by me.

- Neat!

- Yeah.

- You've all done incredible work,

which made this round of cuts very difficult.

Some of you prevailed physically.

Others mentally.

But we only have room for those exquisite specimens

who excelled in both.

- God, I hope I get it.

- If I call your name, step forward.

- Really hope I get it.

Bintu Conteh.

Nicholas Petrovich.

Benedict Baldauff.

Edward Chin. Lisa Melodia.

Michael Arnold. Nicole Sylvester.

- How many people does he need?

Lilli Janney. Keith Sauter.

Brian Ray. Isabel Richardson.

Jan Jericho.

Front rows, thank you for your efforts.

Back rows... you're moving on.

- I got in.

- Congratulations, Semifinalists.

Fifteen of you remain,

but there are only nine jump seats on this

first historic manned mission to Mars.

We'll see you in a few weeks

when you will face your final and ultimate test.

Emcee: Ladies and Gentlemen

put your hands together for Miss Candy Ass!

- Hello! You're too good to me.

I am Candy Ass. Miss Ass if you're nasty.

Where is my drink?

Hey honey, honey, slow down, please.

The only people who should run are children and thieves!

Where are you from hunty?

- The only people who should run are children and thieves.

- I just spent a month and a half sequestered

on a jury and let's just say if you had been there

it would have been hung.

Trust me, they were 12 very happy men.

- We love you Candy Ass!

- Love you too, baby!

You got money?

Because I do not want to be a nurse-

- or a purse. - or a purse.

[cheers and applause]

So what did you think?

- You were wonderful.

- Thank you.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- I didn't know how you were gonna react.

- Well I loved it. Truly.

- Phew.

- If you don't mind my asking,

what made you do it?

- You inspired me.

When I got back from jury duty to my real life

I felt like I was missing something.

- What? Pam Tinkler's acronyms?

- You're amazing.

And exactly what the community needs right now.

You have the soul of RuPaul with the body of Helen Mirren.

- Carlos, you know a lot of men

have made me feel a lot of different things.

But no one has made me feel this spectacular

without being seven inches deep.

- Eight inches.

- Well that's great that you're proud of the shots.

- Yeah but I'm horrified by her cultural appropriation:

a five-tiered serving tray she called a Caste System?

- No.

- Well at least you got along.

- Disturbingly well.

All right I gotta get this bra off. BRB.

- What a week.

- Seriously!

I can't believe that whole strepgina outbreak

was my fault!

Next time I'm just doing an adult coloring event.

- It's okay, Andy. You meant well.

You always do.

- Thanks Vanessa.

- And you know you can confide in me.

- Okay.

- I can get you the help you need.

- What?

- If one of those Eastern Euro trash bags

spit-shined your baseball bat.

- Are you insane? No! No!

I did not let anybody touch me.

- I am a doctor, so thanks to HIPAA laws

I can't legally tell Jill.

- I don't have it!

- Jill, he didn't do it!

- I thought it was confidential.

- Oh, nothing is confidential between me and Jill.

For more Odd Mom Out,

go to bravotv.com.