Original subtitles

- I'm so Jill-ous of you, Hazel.

I miss getting all dressed up

and wondering which boy I was gonna dance with.

- Why don't you and Dad ever go dancing?

- I love Daddy, but he dances like

a toddler hailing a cab.

- Okay, what about this one?

- Ugh, I'd rather barf shards of glass.

- Okay. This one is sweet.

Just like you.

- Hate.

- You gotta work with me.

You hate full skirts, you hate sleeves-

- I like this.

- Holy whorehouse! Are you insane?!

- Mom!

- I'm sorry, what I meant to say was,

you're going to a Doubles Dance,

not waiting for Liam Neeson to rescue you

from Chechnyan sex slavery.

- How about this one?

- You don't have the rack to hold that up!

All right you're trying these on. End of discussion.

- These are so flowy and disgusting.

- The tighter the dress, the looser the vagina.

- Mom!

- This is such a fun age.

[theme music] * Hey yes you know

* I'm feeling fine I'm feeling fine *

- It says here the radiation in space could affect

brain function and increase your risk

of Alzheimer's and cancer.

Lex, this is serious.

- And I'm serious about it.

- What are you doing?

- Perfecting my balance and spacial awareness.

All the astronauts are doing it.

- But they're not all doing it in my living room.

- I'll put it away.

- This one's for muscular strength and coordination.

- "I hereby acknowledge that recruitment in MarsX

involves risk of serious injury, including permanent

disability and death."

Lex, you're basically signing your life away.

- Didn't I already agree to that when I signed up for

Facebook's terms and conditions?

- Are you sure you want to do this?

You have a wife and four kids; it's kind of selfish.

- Not signing up earlier was more selfish.

Andy, here on Earth I have everything:

a smokin' hot wife,

a rainbow collection of pocket squares,

A LEGO replica of the Burj Khalifa.

I don't have any of those things on Mars...

yet. But give me a couple of years.

[vase shatters]

- Oh, okay sorry.

- Jill's gonna love that.

- I don't get it.

They're sending a rocket into outer space

and shitting people out on Mars.

To do what?

- Make it habitable.

Stephen Hawking doesn't think we're gonna survive

another thousand years on our fragile planet.

Trump in office that's probably closer to 300.

- Maybe that's his plan all along:

ruin this place so we all have to move to Trump Tower Mars.

- Well the décor would be out of this world.

- Keep up the dad humor and I'll be the next one applying

for a seat on that rocket.

And with Hazel's schizo behavior I'm actually tempted.

Babe, do you think I made a mistake

staying home all those years?

I walked away from my career so I could raise good kids

but if they're all going to be monsters, what was the point?

- Dottie's not awful. - Just dim.

- I'm sorry, am I boring you

recounting my sacrifices to raise your spawn?

- No, honey, I just have a really big day tomorrow.

- Oh right, your Dad's Committee Night Out.

Well, you've gotta be fresh for Zombie Laser Tag.

[energetic rock music]

- Hey, Andy. Just checking to see

how that analysis is coming.

- Pretty good.

I should have it to you in time for Wednesday.

- About that, the presentation got moved up.

- Oh great. Up to when?

- Tomorrow. - That's down.

- No. You're thinking about pushed back.

- You mean pushed up? Or moved down?

- Neither way, it's tomorrow.

- I'll do my best, but this is a lot to go through.

- Daryl got his done in ten hours,

so your best should be at most that.

- Hey, Daryl, sorry to interrupt.

- No worries. What can I do for ya?

- I'm trying to get through the Machlis analysis

but it's slow going.

- You want me to take a look?

- Actually, I'm such a pen and paper guy,

is there some kind of new app or efficiency software-

- Yeah, it's called Riterall.

- Can you send me a link?

- Sure, it's just stimulants now dot com slash

how hard do you want to focus?

- Oh, what does that do?

- It makes you you, but better.

- Oh jeez. Um, no. I appreciate it,

but I think I'm gonna stick to the old fashioned way.

- Let me know if you change your mind.

[upbeat music]

- Ladies. - Hi.

- Hi. Thank you so much for coming!

I really needed you

since we're in the final phase of dogfooding.

- Are we the dogs or the food in this gerund?

- That's Silicon Valley speak for testing the products

on ourselves before the semi-hard launch.

- Slap a collar on me and scoop my poop,

I'll be a dog for a day.

- Me too. I've always been jealous of those rabbits

that get to try face creams first.

- Great. I've set up the crème de la crme

for my besties from another testes.

You're doing the Heaven and Hades for skin and metabolism.

The electro-shockingly smooth cellulite treatment

and I'm deciding between the Fire'd Up Facial or the Vampire.

- Fire'd up?

- We set your face on fire to draw out impurities

and reveal a layer of virgin cells.

- I'm gonna go Vampire.

- Amazecocks.

Saskia, let's start with a shot of corfo.

- It tastes like fish tank.

- It is so good for you all right?

It's the closest thing to drinking human blood.

Now let's get started.

You are going to be so glowy afterwards.

- We begin today as my family began each day

on safari in India, with our ujjayi, our ocean breath.

[chanting]

Brooke: Namaste.

The practice of pranayam saved me

from the atrocious behavior of the children...and Candace.

- I'm loving this color story, Brooke.

- You are glowing like

a gold plated bidet at Mar-a-Lago.

- Meeting the women of ProvideHer was a gift

from Ganesha... that's their Oprah.

My family and I had the honor of attending the funeral

of Head Dye Master Angali's brother.

And as I watched the family wash and dress

the bloated cadaver in glorious gem tones

and gold accoutrements,

it came to me.

Von Weber is branching out into tabletop.

- The top is my favorite part of the table.

- Right?! And that's not all.

Linens, Home Decor.

I'm turning Von Weber into... an empire.

I'm calling it, "Luxury" period.

"Reincarnated" period.

[Bollywood-style music]

- So, how do you feel?

- Like I'm an undergrad again,

selling my plasma for beer money.

I was picturing something a little more massage-y.

- Yeah, I want cucumber water

and where are you hiding hte dick-top facials?

- Guys, it's a medspa.

You gotta endure a little pain for big results.

- Oh, what is this for?

- It emits small lasers into the vagina,

creating tiny abrasions that then heal and tighten.

- [mimics Yoda] Oooooo, tightness you seek?

- Help me Obi Wan Kenobi,

you're my only hope of penetration.

- Guys! Guys! Guys! That's $185,000 machine.

Try to be adults today.

- [mimics Yoda] Do or do not. There is no try.

- Come on. Thank you.

- [mimics Yoda] Bye.

[phone rings]

- This is Andy.

- [woman on phone] Hi, I'm calling about

your Laser Tag event tonight.

- Hey! Hope you're ready for us.

We are fired up.

- Due to a major power outage, we need to cancel.

- What?! It took sixty-three reply all emails

to plan this event!

I can't start from scratch with six hours to go.

- [woman on phone] Other than a full refund

there's nothing we can do.

- Shit!

Hey Daryl. Sorry, me again.

So, this Riterall, it really helps you get things done?

- Man, it's like there's five of you.

- How much would I take?

- All right. 30 milligrams should get you going.

- Any side effects?

- Well, you may experience headaches, hair loss,

blurred vision, swelling of the face, lips, throat

or tongue, addiction, diarrhea and or constipation.

As long as you hydrate you'll be fine.

- Okay, let's do this. - All right.

No heart problems, right? - What?!

- Just kiddin'. Here you go.

[suspenseful tones]

[phones ringing]

Andy: I had no laser tag,

but I was laser focused.

Pinot.

[keyboard clicks]

Nailed it.

[whistling]

- What is that atrocious noise?

- I'm just whistling while I still can.

You can't whistle in space

because there's low air pressure.

Fun space fact.

- Are you seeking employment as an

astronaut or one of the seven dwarves?

- You know, I find out today whether or not

I get accepted into the next round.

- What if you don't?

Lex, you're my only son with any real earning potential,

so I pulled some strings and I got you this incredible int-

- I appreciate that, Mom, but I'm going to Mars,

one way or another if I have to rent a spaceship

and drive up there myself.

- Don't you think this whole astronaut thing

is really childish? Come on.

- If by childish you mean I'm pursuing every boy's

dream of being Neil Armstrong, then yes.

- Well, every girl my age dreamed of being

Elizabeth Taylor, but not everyone has our bone structure.

- Was she an astronaut, too?

- You know, when I was a supple ingenue of seventeen,

I was buying some semi-sheer nylons

and I was approached by a talent scout from RKO.

He regaled me with tales of being in the movies.

So I pulled on my stockings

and I raced home to see my mother.

And mother explained simply,

that it was not a suitable career

for one with of our pedigree.

[upbeat music]

Call that man.

- Did you know they can't use ballpoint pens in space

because there's no gravity there.

- Vanessa, I'm dying!

- I can't hear you.

I've sweated out my eardrums!

I need to go to my happy place.

- Stay with me!

- Netflix and chill. Netflix and chill.

- No, Netflix and Jill!

- And time. Next treatment.

- This is worse!

- Friends don't freeze friends!

- I knew he wasn't over freshman year

when we saw Soundgarden without him!

- Only 96 more seconds and you will be burning calories

like a Kenyan marathon runner.

- Netflix and warmth. Netflix and warmth.

- Remember when you were a second year

and skipped Law Prom to cram case law on

copyright infringement?

Allen v Escott established precedent of

"innocent infringement."

But didn't relieve them of liability.

Whether intentional or not, we're dealing with a tort here.

Andy: I was Super Andy.

[keyboard clicks]

- How's it coming, Andy?

- Here ya go, Naz.

I also translated it into German for our oversees investors.

- We don't have any overseas investors.

- I made some calls.

- Incredible. Thank you.

Andy: There was no stopping me.

Highest Tetris score ever!

- Sixty degrees is the magic angle and you're gonna hold this

for twenty minutes.

Oh, hey guys!

- Hey Oliver! Thank you so much for everything.

We just have to go and do busy stuff.

- Honestly, I could not imagine being exposed

to any more treatments. I'd probably die.

- Of appreciation, of course.

But we're gonna catch you later.

- What a shame.

You guys made it through all that

and you're going to leave with the same tired face.

- Listen, we love what you're doing here,

and I did notice my dermis is tighter than Mike Pence's anus,

but we just got- - After the Vampire.

- Okay, but I've made peace with the fact that

I am Wrinkle-stiltskin.

- Before.

- We'll do it. - We'll do it.

- Okay.

Vanessa: Considering the name,

that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Jill: Yeah, we're gonna be glowing Edward Cullen style.

CGI fireflies everywhere.

- Well?

- I thought I was supposed to look like a vampire,

not mauled by one!

- You'll be thanking me soon enough.

- When? ER patients want a friendly face,

not a sriracha spill.

- First you scab and then you peel,

and if you're consistent with the cream I gave you,

you'll be zygotes by Labor Day.

- I have to take Hazel to her Doubles Dance tonight.

How can I do that if my face looks like it has its period?

- On the heaviest day of flow!

- Jill, how are you?

- I'm death warmed over and frozen again.

What are the chances I can ask you a mega favor?

- Technically it depends on the favor as I have

thirty minutes to get to lower Madison

to approve the hors d'oeuvres,

leaving me 15 minutes of travel time except

the barometric pressure suggests a 30 percent

chance of rain which would slow me down by 90 seconds.

- Whoa, Rainman.

What happened to Zombie Tag?

- I had to pivot to pinot.

What do you need?

- I'm supposed to chaperone Hazel to her dance

and I look like Hannibal Lecter

after an all-you- can-eat buffet.

- Sorry, honey. No problem.

I will handle it.

- Thank you and if you can't figure it out

I can try to call that face transplant doctor.

Hopefully I won't look like John Travolta.

- Honey, it's handled.

- I owe you with every remaining pore in my being.

And I'll sneak in late so I don't scar the kids for life.

[lively rock music]

- Well hello to you too, my little Hazelnut.

- Hey.

- "Hey" is for mall rats.

What's the face about?

- I hate this dress.

I look ugly.

- Well it wouldn't have been my first choice either,

but with my DNA coursing through your veins

you could never be ugly...

despite your mother's contribution.

- She made me get it.

- Your mother dresses like a sad doll

in someone's attic.

What did you have in mind?

Saucy. And Bloomies is on the way.

Hazel, how do you feel?

- I love it!

Thank you so much.

- Have fun!

I'll be waiting.

Driver: She's gonna be pulling that thing up all night.

- That's what I'm counting on.

- [deep-voiced chanting]

- [chanting]

- What are you doing here?

- I am here to celebrate.

I have Vindaloo.

I have Tikka Masala.

I have- - No naan!

- I have champagne.

- What are we celebrating?

- You have conquered India.

And now, I'm one step closer

to putting the von Weber flag on Mars.

I qualified for the next round.

- So this means-

- Just one month to prepare

for the written and physical exams.

- An innovator's wife and She-E-O of an empire.

Am I the white Beyoncé or is she the black me?

- If I might take this opportunity to curry your favor.

- Not in front of Ganesha. [laughing]

- The key to building the perfect charcuterie is

juxtaposing textures.

You take a hard salami with a soft pâté-

- That's what she said.

- More of the Cabernet?

- This Cab is so earthy and I can taste the maple,

which is strange because that region hasn't see maple trees

since the drought of aught 5.

- Impressive. Where did you study?

- I did a project in fifth grade for Arbor Day.

It's all just coming back to me.

[groans]

- You have headache.

I have cure.

- I should switch to white.

You are so right.

[groans]

- You okay, Andy?

- Care to taste some French wine?

- Go, enjoy.

- Well. How was the dance?

- My friends and I had fun,

but I think I got blisters on my feet

from dancing too much.

- Today kitten heels, tomorrow stilettos.

From here on out you're a slave to fashion.

How did your new frock suit you on the dance floor?

- It was okay.

Maybe this was, like, a special occasion?

I see. Well what do you say we keep that dress safe for you

at my place until you're ready to wear it?

- Cool. Thanks, Candace.

- You know what I'm craving right now is a frozen hot

chocolate from Serendipity.

Mind indulging me on the way home?

- I mean, if I have to.

- And you can slip in the bathroom

and put this on so we don't get busted.

[distorted laughing]

- [distorted voice] Best Dad's night ever!

- Have you eaten today, Andy?

You need some herring?

- I think I just need to lie down.

- [distorted voice] You gotta check out

the effervescent room.

The effervescent room.

- I'm just gonna go.

- You look like how my throat feels.

- I'm sorry. Long day of no pain no gain.

- Oh boy, do I understand that.

- I just need to run this culture, so go home,

get some rest and I'll follow up.

- You are a God send.

I send you special thank you of wine. Yes?

- Yes, I wish all my patients paid me in wine.

It's where most of my salary goes anyway.

Feel better.

- You too.

- Is it that bad?

[hiccup]

- Oh no, he's been like this for 36 hours?

Looks like an acute attack of Intractable Singultus.

I think I have the cure,

it's a bit unconventional, do you mind?

- [hiccup]

- [growls]

[hospital monitors beeping]

- My work here is done.

- [moaning] Who's there?

- Oh Andy. It's just me.

- Oh God, I'm hallucinating!

- Ollie assures me I'm gonna look like myself

in only seven weeks.

What happened to you?

Was Dads Gone Wild a flop?

- No, no. Evidently it was a big success

but I couldn't enjoy it

'cause I was crashing so hard from the Riterall.

- You took drugs? Why?

- Why did you do that to your face?

- Stupidly trying to recapture my uth.

- Ugh, what a day.

- Seriously.

[cell phone beeps]

- What does Vanessa have to say?

- It's Brooke. She "needs to talk."

Why does she always text me that right before bed?

Now I'm going to have nightmares.

- That makes two of us.

[groans]

Voiceover: For more Odd Mom Out,

go to bravotv.com.