All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S03E06_English

- I'm so Jill-ous
of you, Hazel.

I miss getting
all dressed up

and wondering which
boy I was gonna dance with.

- Why don't you and Dad
ever go dancing?

- I love Daddy,
but he dances like

a toddler hailing a cab.

- Okay, what about
this one?

- Ugh, I'd rather barf
shards of glass.

- Okay. This one
is sweet.

Just like you.

- Hate.

- You gotta work
with me.

You hate full skirts,
you hate sleeves-

- I like this.

- Holy whorehouse!
Are you insane?!

- Mom!

- I'm sorry, what I meant to
say was,

you're going to
a Doubles Dance,

not waiting for Liam Neeson
to rescue you

from Chechnyan sex slavery.

- How about this one?

- You don't have the rack
to hold that up!

All right you're trying these
on. End of discussion.

- These are so flowy
and disgusting.

- The tighter the dress,
the looser the vagina.

- Mom!

- This is such a fun age.

[theme music]
* Hey yes you know

* I'm feeling fine
I'm feeling fine *

- It says here the radiation
in space could affect

brain function and
increase your risk

of Alzheimer's and cancer.

Lex, this is serious.

- And I'm serious about it.

- What are you doing?

- Perfecting my balance
and spacial awareness.

All the astronauts
are doing it.

- But they're not all
doing it in my living room.

- I'll put it away.

- This one's for muscular
strength and coordination.

- "I hereby acknowledge
that recruitment in MarsX

involves risk of serious
injury, including permanent

disability and death."

Lex, you're basically
signing your life away.

- Didn't I already agree to that
when I signed up for

Facebook's terms and
conditions?

- Are you sure you want
to do this?

You have a wife and four
kids; it's kind of selfish.

- Not signing up earlier
was more selfish.

Andy, here on Earth
I have everything:

a smokin' hot wife,

a rainbow collection
of pocket squares,

A LEGO replica of the
Burj Khalifa.

I don't have any
of those things on Mars...

yet. But give me
a couple of years.

[vase shatters]

- Oh, okay sorry.

- Jill's gonna love that.

- I don't get it.

They're sending a rocket
into outer space

and shitting people
out on Mars.

To do what?

- Make it habitable.

Stephen Hawking doesn't
think we're gonna survive

another thousand years
on our fragile planet.

Trump in office that's
probably closer to 300.

- Maybe that's his plan
all along:

ruin this place so we all have
to move to Trump Tower Mars.

- Well the décor would be
out of this world.

- Keep up the dad humor and
I'll be the next one applying

for a seat on that rocket.

And with Hazel's schizo
behavior I'm actually tempted.

Babe, do you think I
made a mistake

staying home all
those years?

I walked away from my career
so I could raise good kids

but if they're all going to be
monsters, what was the point?

- Dottie's not awful.
- Just dim.

- I'm sorry,
am I boring you

recounting my sacrifices
to raise your spawn?

- No, honey, I just have a
really big day tomorrow.

- Oh right, your Dad's
Committee Night Out.

Well, you've gotta be fresh
for Zombie Laser Tag.

[energetic rock music]

- Hey, Andy. Just checking
to see

how that analysis is coming.

- Pretty good.

I should have it to you in
time for Wednesday.

- About that, the presentation
got moved up.

- Oh great.
Up to when?

- Tomorrow.
- That's down.

- No. You're thinking about
pushed back.

- You mean pushed up?
Or moved down?

- Neither way, it's tomorrow.

- I'll do my best, but
this is a lot to go through.

- Daryl got his done
in ten hours,

so your best should be
at most that.

- Hey, Daryl,
sorry to interrupt.

- No worries.
What can I do for ya?

- I'm trying to get through
the Machlis analysis

but it's slow going.

- You want me
to take a look?

- Actually, I'm such a
pen and paper guy,

is there some kind of new
app or efficiency software-

- Yeah, it's called
Riterall.

- Can you send me a link?

- Sure, it's just stimulants
now dot com slash

how hard do you want to
focus?

- Oh, what does that do?

- It makes you you,
but better.

- Oh jeez. Um, no.
I appreciate it,

but I think I'm gonna stick to
the old fashioned way.

- Let me know if you
change your mind.

[upbeat music]

- Ladies.
- Hi.

- Hi. Thank you so much
for coming!

I really needed you

since we're in the final
phase of dogfooding.

- Are we the dogs or the
food in this gerund?

- That's Silicon Valley
speak for testing the products

on ourselves before the
semi-hard launch.

- Slap a collar on me and
scoop my poop,

I'll be a dog for a day.

- Me too. I've always been
jealous of those rabbits

that get to try
face creams first.

- Great. I've set up the
crème de la crme

for my besties from
another testes.

You're doing the Heaven and
Hades for skin and metabolism.

The electro-shockingly
smooth cellulite treatment

and I'm deciding between the
Fire'd Up Facial or the Vampire.

- Fire'd up?

- We set your face on fire
to draw out impurities

and reveal a
layer of virgin cells.

- I'm gonna go Vampire.

- Amazecocks.

Saskia, let's start with
a shot of corfo.

- It tastes like fish tank.

- It is so good for you
all right?

It's the closest thing to
drinking human blood.

Now let's get started.

You are going to be so
glowy afterwards.

- We begin today as my
family began each day

on safari in India, with our
ujjayi, our ocean breath.

[chanting]

Brooke: Namaste.

The practice of pranayam
saved me

from the atrocious behavior of
the children...and Candace.

- I'm loving this
color story, Brooke.

- You are glowing like

a gold plated bidet
at Mar-a-Lago.

- Meeting the women of
ProvideHer was a gift

from Ganesha...
that's their Oprah.

My family and I had the
honor of attending the funeral

of Head Dye Master
Angali's brother.

And as I watched the family
wash and dress

the bloated cadaver
in glorious gem tones

and gold accoutrements,

it came to me.

Von Weber is branching out
into tabletop.

- The top is my favorite
part of the table.

- Right?!
And that's not all.

Linens, Home Decor.

I'm turning Von Weber into...
an empire.

I'm calling it,
"Luxury" period.

"Reincarnated" period.

[Bollywood-style music]

- So, how do you feel?

- Like I'm an undergrad
again,

selling my plasma
for beer money.

I was picturing something
a little more massage-y.

- Yeah, I want cucumber water

and where are you hiding hte
dick-top facials?

- Guys, it's a medspa.

You gotta endure a little
pain for big results.

- Oh, what is this for?

- It emits small lasers into
the vagina,

creating tiny abrasions
that then heal and tighten.

- [mimics Yoda] Oooooo,
tightness you seek?

- Help me Obi Wan Kenobi,

you're my only hope
of penetration.

- Guys! Guys! Guys!
That's $185,000 machine.

Try to be adults today.

- [mimics Yoda] Do or do not.
There is no try.

- Come on.
Thank you.

- [mimics Yoda]
Bye.

[phone rings]

- This is Andy.

- [woman on phone]
Hi, I'm calling about

your Laser Tag event tonight.

- Hey! Hope you're ready
for us.

We are fired up.

- Due to a major power outage,
we need to cancel.

- What?! It took sixty-three
reply all emails

to plan this event!

I can't start from scratch with
six hours to go.

- [woman on phone]
Other than a full refund

there's nothing we can do.

- Shit!

Hey Daryl.
Sorry, me again.

So, this Riterall, it really
helps you get things done?

- Man, it's like there's
five of you.

- How much would I take?

- All right. 30 milligrams
should get you going.

- Any side effects?

- Well, you may experience
headaches, hair loss,

blurred vision, swelling
of the face, lips, throat

or tongue, addiction, diarrhea
and or constipation.

As long as you
hydrate you'll be fine.

- Okay, let's do this.
- All right.

No heart problems, right?
- What?!

- Just kiddin'.
Here you go.

[suspenseful tones]

[phones ringing]

Andy: I had no laser tag,

but I was laser focused.

Pinot.

[keyboard clicks]

Nailed it.

[whistling]

- What is that
atrocious noise?

- I'm just whistling while
I still can.

You can't whistle in space

because there's
low air pressure.

Fun space fact.

- Are you seeking
employment as an

astronaut or one of
the seven dwarves?

- You know, I find
out today whether or not

I get accepted into
the next round.

- What if you don't?

Lex, you're my only son with
any real earning potential,

so I pulled some strings and
I got you this incredible int-

- I appreciate that, Mom,
but I'm going to Mars,

one way or another
if I have to rent a spaceship

and drive up there myself.

- Don't you think this
whole astronaut thing

is really childish?
Come on.

- If by childish you mean
I'm pursuing every boy's

dream of being
Neil Armstrong, then yes.

- Well, every girl my age
dreamed of being

Elizabeth Taylor, but not
everyone has our bone structure.

- Was she an astronaut, too?

- You know, when I was a
supple ingenue of seventeen,

I was buying some
semi-sheer nylons

and I was approached by a
talent scout from RKO.

He regaled me with tales of
being in the movies.

So I pulled on
my stockings

and I raced home
to see my mother.

And mother explained simply,

that it was not a
suitable career

for one with of our pedigree.

[upbeat music]

Call that man.

- Did you know they can't use
ballpoint pens in space

because there's no
gravity there.

- Vanessa, I'm dying!

- I can't hear you.

I've sweated out my eardrums!

I need to go to my
happy place.

- Stay with me!

- Netflix and chill.
Netflix and chill.

- No, Netflix and Jill!

- And time.
Next treatment.

- This is worse!

- Friends don't
freeze friends!

- I knew he wasn't over
freshman year

when we saw Soundgarden
without him!

- Only 96 more seconds and you
will be burning calories

like a Kenyan
marathon runner.

- Netflix and warmth.
Netflix and warmth.

- Remember when you
were a second year

and skipped Law Prom to
cram case law on

copyright infringement?

Allen v Escott established
precedent of

"innocent infringement."

But didn't relieve
them of liability.

Whether intentional or not,
we're dealing with a tort here.

Andy: I was Super Andy.

[keyboard clicks]

- How's it coming, Andy?

- Here ya go, Naz.

I also translated it into German
for our oversees investors.

- We don't have any
overseas investors.

- I made some calls.

- Incredible. Thank you.

Andy: There was no
stopping me.

Highest Tetris score ever!

- Sixty degrees is the magic
angle and you're gonna hold this

for twenty minutes.

Oh, hey guys!

- Hey Oliver! Thank you
so much for everything.

We just have to go
and do busy stuff.

- Honestly, I could not
imagine being exposed

to any more treatments.
I'd probably die.

- Of appreciation,
of course.

But we're gonna
catch you later.

- What a shame.

You guys made it
through all that

and you're going to
leave with the same tired face.

- Listen, we love what
you're doing here,

and I did notice my dermis is
tighter than Mike Pence's anus,

but we just got-
- After the Vampire.

- Okay, but I've made peace
with the fact that

I am Wrinkle-stiltskin.

- Before.

- We'll do it.
- We'll do it.

- Okay.

Vanessa:
Considering the name,

that wasn't as bad as I
thought it would be.

Jill: Yeah, we're gonna be
glowing Edward Cullen style.

CGI fireflies
everywhere.

- Well?

- I thought I was supposed
to look like a vampire,

not mauled by one!

- You'll be thanking me
soon enough.

- When? ER patients want a
friendly face,

not a sriracha spill.

- First you scab and then
you peel,

and if you're consistent with
the cream I gave you,

you'll be zygotes
by Labor Day.

- I have to take Hazel to her
Doubles Dance tonight.

How can I do that if my face
looks like it has its period?

- On the heaviest day of flow!

- Jill, how are you?

- I'm death warmed over and
frozen again.

What are the chances I can ask
you a mega favor?

- Technically it depends
on the favor as I have

thirty minutes to get to
lower Madison

to approve the
hors d'oeuvres,

leaving me 15 minutes of
travel time except

the barometric pressure
suggests a 30 percent

chance of rain which would
slow me down by 90 seconds.

- Whoa, Rainman.

What happened
to Zombie Tag?

- I had to pivot to pinot.

What do you need?

- I'm supposed to chaperone
Hazel to her dance

and I look like
Hannibal Lecter

after an all-you-
can-eat buffet.

- Sorry, honey.
No problem.

I will handle it.

- Thank you and if you
can't figure it out

I can try to call that face
transplant doctor.

Hopefully I won't look like
John Travolta.

- Honey, it's handled.

- I owe you with every
remaining pore in my being.

And I'll sneak in late so I
don't scar the kids for life.

[lively rock music]

- Well hello to you too,
my little Hazelnut.

- Hey.

- "Hey" is for mall rats.

What's the face about?

- I hate this dress.

I look ugly.

- Well it wouldn't have
been my first choice either,

but with my DNA coursing
through your veins

you could never be ugly...

despite your mother's
contribution.

- She made me get it.

- Your mother dresses
like a sad doll

in someone's attic.

What did you have in mind?

Saucy. And Bloomies
is on the way.

Hazel, how do you feel?

- I love it!

Thank you so much.

- Have fun!

I'll be waiting.

Driver: She's gonna be pulling
that thing up all night.

- That's what I'm
counting on.

- [deep-voiced chanting]

- [chanting]

- What are you doing here?

- I am here to celebrate.

I have Vindaloo.

I have Tikka Masala.

I have-
- No naan!

- I have champagne.

- What are we celebrating?

- You have conquered India.

And now, I'm one step closer

to putting the von Weber
flag on Mars.

I qualified for
the next round.

- So this means-

- Just one month to
prepare

for the written and
physical exams.

- An innovator's wife and
She-E-O of an empire.

Am I the white Beyoncé or
is she the black me?

- If I might take this
opportunity to curry your favor.

- Not in front of Ganesha.
[laughing]

- The key to building the
perfect charcuterie is

juxtaposing
textures.

You take a hard salami
with a soft pâté-

- That's what she said.

- More of the Cabernet?

- This Cab is so earthy and I
can taste the maple,

which is strange because that
region hasn't see maple trees

since the drought of aught 5.

- Impressive. Where did you
study?

- I did a project in fifth
grade for Arbor Day.

It's all just coming
back to me.

[groans]

- You have headache.

I have cure.

- I should switch to white.

You are so right.

[groans]

- You okay, Andy?

- Care to taste some
French wine?

- Go, enjoy.

- Well. How was the dance?

- My friends and I had fun,

but I think I got blisters
on my feet

from dancing too much.

- Today kitten heels,
tomorrow stilettos.

From here on out
you're a slave to fashion.

How did your new frock suit you
on the dance floor?

- It was okay.

Maybe this was, like,
a special occasion?

I see. Well what do you say we
keep that dress safe for you

at my place until you're
ready to wear it?

- Cool. Thanks, Candace.

- You know what I'm craving
right now is a frozen hot

chocolate from Serendipity.

Mind indulging me
on the way home?

- I mean, if I have to.

- And you can slip in
the bathroom

and put this on so we
don't get busted.

[distorted laughing]

- [distorted voice]
Best Dad's night ever!

- Have you eaten today,
Andy?

You need some herring?

- I think I just
need to lie down.

- [distorted voice]
You gotta check out

the effervescent room.

The effervescent room.

- I'm just gonna go.

- You look like how
my throat feels.

- I'm sorry. Long day of
no pain no gain.

- Oh boy,
do I understand that.

- I just need to run this
culture, so go home,

get some rest
and I'll follow up.

- You are a God send.

I send you special thank
you of wine. Yes?

- Yes, I wish all my patients
paid me in wine.

It's where most of my
salary goes anyway.

Feel better.

- You too.

- Is it that bad?

[hiccup]

- Oh no, he's been like this
for 36 hours?

Looks like an acute
attack of Intractable Singultus.

I think I have the cure,

it's a bit unconventional,
do you mind?

- [hiccup]

- [growls]

[hospital monitors beeping]

- My work here is done.

- [moaning]
Who's there?

- Oh Andy. It's just me.

- Oh God,
I'm hallucinating!

- Ollie assures me I'm gonna
look like myself

in only seven weeks.

What happened to you?

Was Dads Gone Wild
a flop?

- No, no. Evidently it was
a big success

but I couldn't enjoy it

'cause I was crashing so hard
from the Riterall.

- You took drugs? Why?

- Why did you do
that to your face?

- Stupidly trying to
recapture my uth.

- Ugh, what a day.

- Seriously.

[cell phone beeps]

- What does Vanessa
have to say?

- It's Brooke.
She "needs to talk."

Why does she always text me
that right before bed?

Now I'm going to
have nightmares.

- That makes two of us.

[groans]

Voiceover:
For more Odd Mom Out,

go to bravotv.com.