All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S03E04_English

- Why did we agree
to do Thanksgiving

in the suburbs
with Brooke's family?

My S.P.D. is flaring up.

- Honey, Suburban
Panic Disorder

is not a real thing.

- Tell that to my pit stains
and cottonmouth.

- I don't care for the
suburbs either, hon but

...at least
they're beautiful.

- Are they?

Behind all the potlucks

and Lilly Pulitzer
shift dresses

lurks an insidious darkness.

All the husbands
are alkies.

All the wives are
popping pills like Tic Tacs.

I'm talking Zipper Mouthed
Leather Man in the cellar.

- Okay, I take that back,
you 100% have

Suburban Panic Disorder.

- We're about to have
Thanksgiving

with actual Puritans.

Some of them
are so inbred,

that they're born
with a sixth finger

that they have
removed at birth.

Hey! Five bucks to the first
person who feels a nub!

- Yeah!
- Yes!

- Kids, none of
this is true.

[disappointed groans]

- Really? We need a
family safe word.

If anyone is in
need of a rescue,

just say "Cul de Sac"
okay?

- Nod and smile, kids.

- Today I'm going to
blow the lid off

the lie that is the
"perfect" suburbs.

[theme music]
* Hey yes you know

* I'm feeling fine
I'm feeling fine *

- Barrett, your home
is so festive.

- Aw, well when
one's ancestors

came over
on the Mayflower

one tends to go overboard
on Thanksgiving.

No pun intended.

- You hear that, Andy?

Barrett's ancestors
were Pilgrims.

- I had no idea.

- We're everywhere.

The whole town is
probably related.

Hi gang!

- Thatcher, why don't you
take the children

upstairs to rehearse?

Thatcher wrote a play

about the very first
Thanksgiving.

- We're going to be
best friends!

- Aw!

- [whispers] I'm gonna
make you my bitch.

- Cul de--!

- Happy Thanksgiving!

- You too, Berkley.

- You remember
my husband, Lockhart?

- Absolutely, nice
to see you.

- Lockhart, a pleasure.

- No nub.

- Play nice.

- Oh and give a wave to
Hawthorn over there.

- So, Andy.

How long did it
take you

to get here
from the city?

About a half an hour?

- You know, everyone who
lives out here says

it's a half an hour,

but it's always an hour.

- Sounds like we got
a city slicker

who's too chicken to
drive on the shoulder!

- It may have taken me a
little longer to get out here,

but I did make it
the full 33 miles

on electricity only.
- No?

- Yeah.
- You take 95

or the Merritt?
- The Merritt.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- God, they're talking
routes, shoot me!

- The Merrit's
the way to go.

- Yeah the Merritt.
- Definitely.

- Oh well.
Baby number four!

- It's five actually.

- Five?!
Mazel.

Do you know
what you're having?

- We'll find out tomorrow.

I am actually hosting
Berkley's gender reveal party.

- Yeah!

- Oh, like where you
open a box

and if pink balloons
shoot out, it's a girl,

and if they're blue,
it's a boy?

Balloons murder tens
of birds a year, Jill.

So I guess it's the
same thing,

minus the mass
casualties.

You should come!

Barrett's parties are the
talk of the township.

She's the best
sister ever.

- Best hostess ever.

I can't believe you're
hosting Thanksgiving

and then another party
on "Black Friday."

- Oh Jill, let's not discuss
politics today, okay?

- No, I meant the
shopping stampede.

- Let's not.

- Okay. I'm just
gonna get--

- Thanks.

- Dying. Where are
Brooke and Lex?

- Lex texted me
ten ninutes ago.

They just got in the Uber.

- Ten minutes ago?

Why didn't they
take their own car?

- I don't know.

[rapid breaths]

- Deep breaths.

- I'm not gonna make it.

I don't belong
in the suburbs.

Look at me!

I'm Edward Scissorhands

but without
scissors for hands.

- You are not--

[helicopter propellers
whirring]

- You are like
Edward Scissorhands.

[helicopter propellers
whirring]

- Happy Thanksgiving,
everyone!

- Sorry, we're the
last ones!

Our Uber chopper
was late!

- What can you do?

Can I get the help?

Thank you.

- Happy Thanksgiving.

- You too.
What happened?

- Oh, uh.
Old vaulting injury.

I sprained my ankle in the
Olympics ten years ago.

- Really?

- Nah, that was
Kerry Strug.

I'm just too embarrassed
to tell you

I slipped off a curb
while eating a donut

and now this happens
sometimes.

- Is it swollen?

- I believe the proper
medical term is "cankle?"

- Actually, it's
"peripheral edema."

You need RICE.

- Like pilaf?

- No, RICE: Rest, Ice,
Compression, Elevation?

- Wow, how do you
know that?

- Um, I don't usually
tell people

in the building this
but...

[whispers]
I'm an ER doctor.

- [whispers]
That's awesome.

Why don't you want
people to know?

- In med school, you hear
these urban legends.

- If word gets out
you're a doctor,

neighbors will stop by
day and night

asking you to check
out their weird mole

or prescribe Fentanyl.

- Are you saying you
don't have any Fentanyl?

Or that you won't
share it?

- I know, it's silly,
but I've kept it quiet.

Until now.

- Well, I'm honored.

- And if you need
anything for your ankle

or whatever,
um, stop by.

I'm 2F.

- 2F.
Got that.

- I think this cornucopia
from Ron Wendt

will add the perfect
finishing touch.

He's the florist
in New York City.

- I actually
crafted my own.

- I- I-
I see that.

- But we'll put yours on
the kiddie table.

- Great! Bringing
anything larger

would have been gauche.

- Jackie O said "gauche"
is a word reserved

only for the bourgeois.

- Well, she also said,

"Let's ride with the
top down today."

- Lex, so tell us, what is it
like to be a kept man?

Does your wife keep your
balls in a Von Weber purse?

Or just up on a high shelf
where you can't reach them?

- Actually, Lex works
very hard--

- Hey, it's okay, bro.

Lockhart's just
yanking my chain,

whatever that means.
- Yank, yank.

- With Brooke doing
so well

I can pursue my
passion, not just a job.

I want to make more
than money,

I want to make my mark.

- How do you plan on
doing that?

- I haven't figured
that out yet but

as the CEO of L-E-X

when the moment is
right, I'll know.

- Well that's what
Hawthorn told himself

20 years ago and
now look at him.

[giggles]

[knocking at door]

- Hey!
- Hi!

- Look at you!

Two functioning cankles!

- Yeah, thanks for
the advice.

But that's not why
I came by.

Could you take a look
at my girlfriend?

She believes western
medicine is a tool

of the patriarchy,

but is having
chest pains

and our doula is hosting
a vegan potluck.

Would you mind?

- Your girlfriend?

Your super pregnant
girlfriend

who thinks doctors
are the devil.

- Yeah.

- Have a seat.

I'll be with you
in just a minute.

- Easy babe.
Thank you so much.

[text message pings]

- Ooh, Jill.

How about some
homemade hard cider?

It's what the
Pilgrims drank

at the very first
Thanksgiving.

- Okay, there's also that nice
wine I brought.

- There you go.
Mm.

- Okay, I guess we're just
having this. Okay.

- Yeah, right?
Life-changing.

- Barrett is an
incredible chef.

She is self taught,

makes everything
from scratch,

even wove these
place mats.

- I can't wait to see
what you've done with

the Heritage Turkey
that I sent.

- I love me some turkey,
and stuffing, potatoes.

Let a gravy tsunami
wash over me.

- Brooke, I donated that
turkey to the soup kitchen.

As I told you, we are
having a traditional

Thanksgiving meal.

There was no turkey
on the menu in 1621.

- Oh? What was?

- Eel and other
bottom feeders.

Gourds and a mixed
grain gruel.

Nothing like what
we eat today.

- So, no turkey?

- No turkey.

- No stuffing?

- No stuffing.

[sloshing]

- Barrett, can I help you
with that?

- Oh no thanks, Jill.

it takes a deft touch.

- What do you need,
a churner's permit?

- No.

- Did the Pilgrims have
hor d'ouevres?

[sloshing continues]

[tense music]

- Looking for something,
Jill?

- Oh, uh, bathroom.

- Oh it's this way.

Twelfth door
on your right.

- So I'm on
the 8th fairway,

Pacific Ocean's
on my right,

winds are swirling
around six knots.

You guys know how the wind
swirls at Pebble Beach.

I'm just gonna try to--

just ever so gently,

just...draw it in!

Just chip it
and then fall.

And then five feet
to the cup.

So I'm doing this--

- You and the kids should

come into the city
some time.

- Oh thanks.
It's just New York.

The pollution,
the terrorism.

- I assure you,
you are safe.

- You and Lex are so brave
to be raising your kids there.

- We're not brave,
it's--

- I guess Lockhart and I
are fuddy-duddys

about health
and safety.

We should be more
like you and prioritize

things like helipads, five star
restaurants, spas.

99, 100.
- What are you--

- Oh I'm so sorry.

I do 100 kegels
every 100 minutes.

My pelvic floor is

the strongest muscle
in my body.

- Is it?
- I am my own forceps.

- Uh-huh.

- Oh Jill, those are
decorative walnuts.

- Really?
They look so real.

They're fake?

- No, they're real.

- Yummy.
You look good.

- I'm gonna go check
on Andy.

- Like, I took
the right line.

I took the right line
on 17 it drops.

I'm on the wrong half
of the hourglass green.

At any rate, it's a
40-foot putt.

Who sinks it?

- [deep sigh]

- This guy.
I sunk it.

Like it was nothing.

- Probably just heartburn.

If you have antacid,
that might help.

- Oh thanks, but Tammy
thinks Big Pharma

is the nadir of the medical-
industrial complex.

- Of course she does.

I have some shredded
potato peels in the sink

if she'd like to gnaw
on those.

- Does that
help heartburn?

- No.
- Of course not.

We've got some
ginger root at home.

Thanks for everything.

[funky music]

- 5C told me you're
a doctor.

I have an abscess

and I think it
might be leeching.

Can you take
a look?

- Come in.

- As our ancestors did on
the first Thanksgiving,

let us join hands.

Lockhart, will you
do the honors?

- Of course.

Bow your heads.

* We thank thee
for this daily bread *

* For blessings on
this table spread *

* Our Lord in heaven

[All sing together]
* Amen

- It was beautiful.
- Goosebumps.

- Thank you.
- Gorgeous.

- Now, let us enjoy
a delicious

and historically accurate
Thanksgiving feast.

- Been looking forward
to this all day.

- The harvest
of my labors.

- Ahh?!
I'm sorry, just surprised.

- 12 o'clock
smoked eel,

2 o'clock raw
Atlantic Oysters,

6:45 a lukewarm,
milk and corn samp,

9 o'clock
lobster body.

- There's no tails
or claws or--

- Enjoy everyone!

- Oh.
- Oh honey, oh.

- I just died.
- Get the recipe.

- The samp has a
complex mouth feel.

- The way she
described it,

I thought it would
taste like barf.

- Well, I finish whatever
you don't have.

- I think it's wonderful
we've been blessed

with a white
Thanksgiving.

- The whitest.

- Jill, what do you
do on Thanksgiving?

Do you have any
Jewish traditions?

- Um, well I'm American
so, no.

We usually we go to my
mother-in-law, Candace's

but she's sequestered
on that Cruise Murder jury.

- Really? I love
that trial.

- Me too.
I am obsessed.

- I'm obsessed.

- The wife so
pushed him overboard.

- Yes!

- I mean,
she's totally guilty.

- Totally!

- Did you know that
he filed for divorce

two weeks before
the cruise?

- Yes Brooke, we all
watch Dateline.

- Everyone, in the world.

- We do have one
family tradition.

We go around the table

and say something
we're thankful for.

- Oh fun idea, Jill.

I'd like to improve on it.

Let's each say
one thing

someone else should
be thankful for.

Okay, I'll go first.
Hm.

Brooke, I think you
should be thankful...

Lex didn't get
indicted.

- We have many
blessings

to count this year.

Millions, in fact!

- Not as many millions
as last year,

but Brooke, I recently read
an article saying that

losing money can
actually be a relief

because once you fall so far
behind the Joneses,

you're free
from the pressure

of having to keep
up with them.

- Yeah see? Something to be
thankful for, right Lex?

- Oh my God.

Brooke's the nice one.

- Our ancestors were
the first to colonize

the final frontier!

No one was here when they
settled these rich lands.

No one!
Aboard their ship,

they careened toward
a New World.

Alien to its terrain,

strangers to
a strange land,

they changed the
course of human history.

- He's not done.
I don't think he's done.

- Yes they did!

I am sorry for the unexpected
intermission everyone

but I finally figured out
what I am going to do next.

- I bet it's an app.

- No, running for office.
Guaranteed.

- I'm going to Mars!

[children giggle]

- We were way off.

- Light years.

- Children, why don't you
take five?

Uncle Lex is gonna do
a little show of his own

and then you can
come back and finish.

- I don't know
what that play

had to do with
Thanksgiving, buddy

but it really spoke to me.

- So, Lex.
I mean, do tell.

How did you land on Mars?

- I didn't land on Mars,
Barrett.

Mars landed on me.

It's the hottest game in
town right now

and I want
a front row seat.

I found my
calling in life.

I am a Space Pilgrim.

- What about you, Brooke?

How do you feel about
Lex going to Mars?

- Of course, I think
it's great.

After global domination
the only place left

for the von Webers
to go is intergalactic.

Am I right?

Lex, I support you
in your dream

just as you supported
me in mine.

- I love you, babe.

- Love you.

- Aw cute! I'm so happy
for you guys.

But I hope they don't
have secretaries in space.

- Dessert! What did the
Pilgrims have for dessert?

- Raisins?! Why does Barrett
hate Thanksgiving?

- I don't know, honey.

- I told you not to
worry about me.

- Yep. Definitely not
worried now.

Lex, are you sure
you're feeling okay?

- I have never
felt better.

Not even when I was
at night three

of Phish at
Red Rocks.

- It's an allergic reaction.

- But my nephrologist said--

[phone rings]
- Hold on. Jill?

- Ollie's party sounds
like so much fun.

Tell me everything you're
eating and go slow.

- Oh, I'm not at Ollie's.

That sound is the
din of all of my neighbors

inside my apartment
at once.

- Wait, you're doing
Thanksgiving

with your neighbors?

- Mm-hm. Apparently.

Look, I gotta go suture a
fistula. Don't ask.

When are you back?

- It's snowing here
but nothing

will prevent me
from escaping

this hell hole tonight.

- This is the worst
Thanksgiving ever.

Can we please do
dinner tomorrow?

Turkey, stuffing, gravy.

So much gravy.

- Yes! Yes! A thousand
times yes!

- Are you okay?

You usually only go
Pride & Prejudice

when you're really
losing it.

- Oh you have no idea.

How could you
let me come here?

[painful moaning]

- I gotta go.
See you tomorrow!

- 41, 42.
I'm doing my kegels.

- Oh, you can sit--
All right.

- Sisterhood isn't always
easy, but

it is for always.
Happy Thanksgiving.

These bags won't
be in stores for a month

and I want you guys to
have the first ones.

- Thank you, Brooke.

- Barrett, this reminds me.

You have not shown me
your new Tory Burch.

- What?!

- You haven't.

- Okay, you know that
I have a closet

with my enitre collection.

I put this one
on a pedestal.

- [gasps]

- It is breath-taking.

- Okay, I am the
founder and She-E-O

of one of the fastest
growing retail brands

in the country!

- Cul de Sac.

- Well aren't you impressed
with yourself?

I mean, it's not like
you're Louis Vuitton,

getting knocked off and sold
on every street corner.

I mean, hardly.

- Every BBQ or block
party there's a version of

Barrett's potato salad.

Everyone tries to
recreate it,

nothing competes
with the original.

- The secret is I make my
own mayonnaise.

- Barrett makes her own
mayonnaise.

- Ugh! Barrett! Barrett!
Barrett!

[mid-tempo music]

- Ah, this...is stunning!

- Oh it is.

- Oh my gosh, I could do a
really great bath mat.

- Or a pillow. Put it in
and then close the top.

[somber music]

- Brooke?
Are you o-- cake!

So good.
So good.

Brooke, I know it's hard.

- Oh, don't look at me.

- Don't let them
get to you.

They're blonde,
jealous turds.

They hate ya'
because they ain't ya!

- Do you think Barrett
ships her cakes?

- They're not jealous.

They love flaunting their
perfect lives.

Their kids aren't
hell cats.

Their Olympic medals
aren't for participation.

- Your kids are
pooped from angels.

And Hawthorne might
not cheat,

but Lockhart
definitely knows

what a dick tastes like.

It's a gut instinct.

- Even though your people
came through Ellis Island,

you're more my family
than they are.

- Brooke, family--
[gagging]

- Jill, are you--

- [shrieks]
That's the cake

for my gender reveal
party! Oh my God!

- [heavy breathing]

It's a girl!

- [crying]
No!

- Oh...my...God!

- [sobbing]
Why?

- I was wrong about
the suburbs.

It's not a house
of horrors,

it's a house of snores.

- [snoring]

Jill: There's no darkness.

No secrets.

[ominous tones]

Jill: Just banality.

Promise we never have to
go back there again?

- I promise.

[suspenseful tones]

[door creaks]

[ominous tones crescendo]

[chains rattle]

Voiceover: For more
"Odd Mom Out"

go to bravotv.com.