Original subtitles

* Light's camera action

* My girl's got Von Weber

* Your girl she could do it better *

* My girl's got Von Weber

* And they hatin' on my mad cheddar *

* My girl's got Von Weber

- Turn that racket down!

I'm trying to work.

It sounds like there's a DJ spinning it in here.

- [screaming] It's not that loud, Jill.

- [screaming] Mom, do you even

understand how cool it is that my last name

is in a rap song?

- Aunt Brooke's bags are in a rap song

and you are a Weber not a von.

- Not yet.

- Bye! Ha!

- You know why grandparents and grandkids

get along so well?

- Why?

- Because we have a common enemy.

[theme music] * Hey yes you know

* I'm feeling fine I'm feeling fine *

- She leaves out her erotica.

I find a trail of stray ostrich feathers

from her negligées.

There are pills everywhere.

It's like a prescription Lucky Charms spill:

[in Leprechaun accent] Yellow moons,

green clovers, blue rhomboids.

- Are you surprised?

Her monogram is one letter off from CVS.

- She literally does not leave my house.

She's found a way to fulfill all her needs

without leaving my couch.

- I aspire to that.

- The only thing I'm living for is

the two hours of quiet when she schleps

to Hell's Kitchen for her private tango lesson

with Ernesto.

- And tonight's dinner with Ollie!

I'm thinking fondue.

- Yes! I'll drown my sorrows in gruyere.

- His longevity spa is really taking off.

- You mean Uth?

- You know it's pronounced "youth".

- But it's spelled U-T-H.

Even with the umlaut it's "uth" to me.

- More like, "uch".

I want to be supportive, but I refuse to believe

that electroshock to my cellulite

will give me the thass of a 25 year old.

- I don't know.

I've read his chromo-so-much-better

facial does wonders.

- You know that's fancy for baby dick-tops?

- What?!

- Yeah, Ollie pays hospitals for infant circumcision flaps.

Then he sends them to a lab in Long Island City

that extracts the proteins

and makes them into a serum.

[gags]

If dabbing foreskin on your face is so effective,

then why didn't you have

a better complexion in college?

- Oh! Someone's feisty today!

Speaking of complexion.

- What's going on?

You never wear lipstick during the day.

And, no offense, but you look really nice.

- You're gonna judge.

- Of course I am.

- Graham and I have gotten a bit rote

in our FaceTimes, so we decided

to spice it up and have a date

in a nice restaurant.

- So wait, you're in the restaurant

and he's Ed Snowden on an iPad?

- I knew I shouldn't have told you.

- No, it's a Modern Love column in the making.

Not a good one, but it'll get printed.

- Since Dot the Rapper's "Mad Cheddar"

was the official song of summer,

it's time to get to work.

- I'm so ready for fall.

I had such bad swimmer's ear.

- I had tennis elbow!

- I had spinner's labia.

It's an old college injury.

- Huh, first bit of business-

- Wait, are we all gonna wait on Stephanie or-

- In light of their financial situation,

her husband moved the family

to a kibbutz in Israel.

- I'm pretty sure they're in a five bedroom

in Scarsdale. - Same thing.

- And, and

[whispers] who's this?

- This is Parker Winchester.

She just moved into the Krevitt's

old townhouse on Fifth.

- Well, I don't usually buy discount,

but this was the only place on the market

with a full-size ballroom.

- Well, I'm-- - Pleased to make

your acquaintance.

- Anyway, in this continuing compromised

financial climate, indiscreet indulgence

seems tone deaf.

Von Weber needs to become synonymous

with something other than consumption.

So, what is the opposite of "getting"?

- Wanting.

- Giving. It's the currency of the South.

Well, that and passive aggression.

- Giving.

- Brooke, excuse me.

Brooke, which one?

- Orange says criminal and I do not want you

going to Club Fed.

- Why? You're the hottest guest

in town afterwards.

Cindy Adams' husband says,

"If you're indicted, you're invited."

- Can you please give us the room?

Come here.

- I haven't dreaded a meeting

this much since the Dartmouth Disciplinary

Committee hearing.

- And look how that turned out.

- My family had to gift the campus a beach club,

complete with lazy river, so I didn't get expelled.

- Oh. Well, don't you worry.

You are Lex von Weber

and no matter what happens today

they can't take that away from you.

- Thanks, Brooke.

- Go get 'em!

- Would you like a drink or

would you like to wait for your guest?

- Oh, uh, he's here-

- Is this like a Sixth Sense kinda thing?

- It's like a virtual date kinda thing.

- Hard to split the check that way, but, okay.

I've got a few specials today.

I've a ramp-stuffed chicken

braised to perfection, very fork-tender.

- Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

- And a hand-caught smoked trout salad

atop a small-batch house-fried yam latke.

- Great, I'll have the-

- Couple questions.

Is there dill in the trout salad?

- There is.

- Can it be made without?

- Sure.

- I'll have the pasta carbonara and a chiante.

Thanks.

Were you just screwing with me?

- No, I really wanted to hear more about

the artisanal ketchup leather from Circle Jerk farms.

- This reminds me of when

we used to watch movies in simulcast.

- Aw, during our residencies.

I would imagine you wearing nothing

but one of my button downs and thigh highs.

- Good thing there was no FaceTime or

you would have seen the boner-killing reality of me

in sweats and a ratty tee.

[laughs]

- Hey, maybe later you could invite me up

and we could bump virtual uglies.

- Hm, well let's see how dinner goes.

What are you having?

- For starters, I am having

a plant-based, hand-forged antidiarrheal.

- Okay.

- The hunter green could be a bit more saturated

and the gold chord should pop more.

The colors were right in one of the test prints

and it was here this morning.

It's in one of the groups.

Ugh, sorry.

[frustrated scream]

- Don't mind her, darling.

- Due to the colossal amount of money

you recklessly invested for clients at Hercules Capital,

my office had no choice but to conduct a thorough

forensic accounting of your firm.

- Ma'am. my client, Alexander von Weber,

was just as much of a victim-

- Let me finish, Bob.

We have been trying to determine if

these partners were accomplices of Krevitt,

or just spectacularly inept.

After our extensive review,

we concluded Hercules was guilty of...

profound negligence on account of

total incompetence.

No charges will be filed, but both men

are hereby stripped of their SEC license

to invest in publicly traded equities for clients.

- What?! No!

- But you just said you found no criminal activity!

- We can't in good conscience

let these men handle other people's money.

- But this was all his fault.

He's the one who put everything

we had into Krevitt's fund!

I didn't even know about it.

- Because you were too busy trying to

find yourself smoking peyote

with a dude dressed like an owl.

- I'm pretty sure that was a real owl.

- The complete dissolution of Hercules

will mean the immediate liquidation of assets

including the company ski lodge

complete with the company rescue St. Bernard

and company whiskey barrel.

- Oh this can't be happening.

- Oh boo-hoo, now you'll just have to live off your wife.

- There are two kinds of people in this world, Wilson.

Wedgie givers, and wedgie receivers.

And you are the worst kind.

- What's that?

- Somebody who used to be a wedgie receiver

but now is a wedgie giver.

- I don't need to listen to this shit.

- You're always the "wait up" guy.

In college it was, "Where's the party this weekend?

Wait up! "Hey are you guys

skiing in Stadt this winter? Wait up!"

- You know, I got a plane to catch.

I'm gonna go to Florida

to lay low for two years until I can reboot.

- Florida, perfect! Tilt the country

and that's where all the bad eggs roll.

Prick-shaped state for a dickhole like you.

- Hey babe.

- Where have you been?

I've been texting you for an hour.

- I was at Hazel's school for the

Father-Daughter Conflict Resolution Seminar.

What's up?

- Well, first your mother trashed one of my prints

by using it as a coaster for Bordello Yellow.

Next I go into Hazel's room

and find one of her votives still burning!

This place could've been Pompeii.

- What can we do, hon?

She was wiped out by Ernie Krevitt.

- Well I'm sick of her hazardous candles

burning everywhere just because she wants to be

"bathed in a warm light".

Miles was doing his homework by lantern

like Laura Ingalls.

- She'll be out of the house

at four for her dance lesson.

Why don't you work at the library until then?

- [screaming] Because it's my house!

Candace: Keep it down, Jill.

You're scaring Jeong.

[Candace giggling]

- Candace! It's quarter to four.

You're going to be late for dance.

- Oh no, no. I'm right on schedule.

In fact Ernesto and I were just warming up.

- What's he doing here?

I specifically booked the lessons at the studio.

- But then you wouldn't be able to see my progress.

If you're going out, be a dear would you

and pick me up a few things?

- Like opaque sleep attire?

- The only thing I sleep in is Chanel Number 5.

Though I could use better thread count sheets

in twin size and a vacuum.

- Why don't you just use mine?

- Why don't you?

- Okay, If I promise to get everything

that you're asking for,

can you find a ribbon of kindness

in that Carrara marble heart of yours

to grant me 90 minutes alone

in my own apartment?

- I could.

Oh and throw in a little something for yourself.

Like, maybe a tooth whitening kit.

[laughs] Love it. You're so fabulous.

- There, your necessities will be here within an hour.

I am walking out the door now.

Watch me so you can see how that's done.

[Tango music]

- Who has other ideas for how von Weber

can pay it forward? Yes Simone.

- My plastic surgeon does a one for one program.

For every nose job he does here,

he does one pro bono in Delaware.

- Noted. What else?

- We could offer manners classes to liberals!

Maybe their pleas would be heard

if ends with "please".

[phone rings]

- Ooh, Lex. Hello?

- It's over. I'm done.

- What? What happened?

- Hercules is gone.

- No, only the "cules" is gone.

The "Her" is right here.

And I'm not going anywhere.

In fact, I'm going to lean into my role as provider.

- Thanks, Brookie.

Guess I just needed to hear your-

Brooke?

- That's it!

Provider. Provider!

ProvideHer.

Von Weber will be a ProvideHer.

Women don't need a hand out, they need a hand up.

Give an impoverished woman a bag

so they have a bag for a day,

but teach that woman how to make a bag

well she can eat forever.

- That's actually called slave labor.

And I should know.

- Where are there needy women?

- Uberpool?

- Exactly, but on a global level.

- Hello? Hello?

Anybody home?

* Amazing grace How sweet the sound *

[humming]

Candace! What about our deal?

- I needed to unwind.

- But you're never wound!

- Please close the door behind you.

Oh, and your "Amazing Grace" was anything but.

[text message pings]

- In my birth announcement

I was wearing a Wharton onesie.

I had gold fish.

I named them Q1, Q2, Q3, and Q4.

And then when one of them died,

I got another one and I named him "Bonus."

- Oh, Lex, honey. I know it's emasculating

and not how traditional marriages succeed

but know that you have

the ever- expanding juggernaut

of my company to boost you aloft.

And the luxury of the two most important things,

time and space, huh?

Come on. Let's go, buddy.

[blows raspberry] - Time and space.

- I'm still mad at you, but this is a good start.

- It's actually for my mother.

- Oh great, Norman Bates. Mother is in the bath. Again.

- It's for this tactic that we learned with the dads'

committee to ensure a free-flowing conversation.

The holder of the Peace Rose gets to speak.

And so I am going to talk-

- Jill, honey I need some-

Where are the other eleven?

- Mother, I wanted to say that I hear you,

and I am here for you.

- Anderson, I-

- Ah ah ah!

I know you've fallen on hard times

with that lousy investment.

And we will help you for as long as you need,

because that's what family does. But-

- Give me that and stop talking to me

like I'm shaking a cup on the corner.

Do you really think I'd be as stupid as your brother

to sock away all my duckets with Ernie Krevitt?

No! I was diversified and

I only lost a fifth of my fortune.

- What?

- Oh yeah well the truth is I had a sexual dalliance

with Ernie last summer and I need a place to lay low

until this blows over.

Page Six would have a field day with a

May-December romance like this.

- You mean Christmas-Boxing Day.

At best.

- So, I came to the place where I knew no one

would come looking for me.

[shrieks] [energetic rock music]

[door slams]

- Ollie, you are a full-on fetus.

I thought it was just an ancient profile picture

but you actually look like this.

- Go on, feast your eyes.

- Isn't it insane?

He looks exactly the same as when we graduated

minus the eyebrow piercing.

- I can't be launching med spas looking my age.

Ooh. I have swag for you.

- Woo-hoo!

- Oh they're awesome! Thank you.

Ow!

Jill, any monster-in- law updates?

- Ugh, I don't want to discuss it.

I've been looking forward to this meal all day

and I don't want to get indigestion before I eat.

- How long has she been living with you?

- Five hundred twenty-five thousand

six hundred migraines.

- Oh, Jilly.

- And she's not even broke!

I can't take it anymore!

She's always in my face, telling me

I dress like a Sicilian widow.

I am one step closer to being committed every hour.

- You need one of those Dr. Evil buttons.

Press it and she gets sucked down a chute.

- Great idea.

Can I Prime Now one of those?

- You could serve her a Chicago Waffle.

- What's that?

- It's when you take a dump on the keyboard

of someone's laptop and then you shut the screen.

- That's perfect.

I can blame it on Miles.

- Ew! Why do you even know that?

- One of the phlebotomists was dating two RNs

at the same time.

Two-timing a professional that comfortable with

bodily fluids is a dangerous game.

- Well, two girls one laptop aside,

Candace doesn't even have a computer.

- Since you can't change the fact that she's living with you,

why not change your attitude about it?

- Go back to LA if you're going to

bring that kind of mindfulness around here.

- I'm serious. There's this new high-

intensity meditation app called, Medi-8.

For people who want to achieve a higher state

of consciousness in under 10 minutes.

- No offense, but I am way past that

zen bullshit. I am going nuts!

She literally won't leave my house!

- You need to get her on jury duty.

- Yes.

- Now you're talking.

- We must know someone in the DA's office.

- We don't have to.

Apparently there's a 24 hour hotline

you can call to volunteer.

- Okay, that is genius.

Can you imagine?

Oooh bubbling cheese cauldron, yum!

[iPad rings]

- Jesus, doesn't he have cleft palettes to mend?

- Hey Babe, I just wanted to say

goodnight and that until tomorrow,

I'm keeping you right in this pocket,

over my heart.

- Love you. Thanks for calling.

- Don't actually put your mouth on that thing.

Screens are dirtier than most public toilets.

- Yuck. Goodnight.

- You do know that "Her" is a cautionary tale, right?

- Jill, let me live!

[heavy typing sound]

- Wow. You're really working hard over there.

- It's stuff for Hazel's school.

Doing the seating chart for our wedding was easier

than locking in a date for Dads' Night Out.

- Wait...you're making all that thunderous

clickity-clacking and it's not even for work?

[heavy typing sound continues]

- I mean it like there's lead in your fingertips.

When I type it's silent,

like a courtroom stenographer.

- I'm almost done.

Just another half-hour or so.

[meditation guide's voice] - Weightlessness. Love.

Acceptance. Let down the guard that

constipates your soul and feel the chi flow through you-

- Oh Jesus Christ.

I can't take this steaming pile of horse shit.

I'm getting snackage.

- Dear Jacob, I hope sixth grade is going great so far.

Do the leaves change in Florida?

I'm trying to convince my mom

to let me get Instagram for Hanukkah.

I'll send you my account when I have it.

- Perfect. Now if you want it to be

more personal, shall we seal it with a kiss?

[Hazel giggles] - Okay.

- Put on my lipstick.

You got it? - Mm-hm.

- Now press your lips on the back,

but don't actually kiss it with pursed lips

or it'll look like psoriasis.

Just press it once.

Let's see?

Lovely, he'll die. [giggles]

[iPad rings]

- Couldn't stop thinking about me?

[moans of pleasure]

Graham: Oh yeah. That's- Woman: Graham!

- Hazel, has anyone ever talked to you

about the birds and the bees?

- Yeah of course. My mom told me where

babies come from ages ago.

- Did she tell you where pleasure comes from?

- Huh?

- As I suspected, she focused more on the

peas and not the steak.

Your pleasure is the most important part of intimacy.

Not his, not hers, should your boat float left,

but yours.

- I don't know what you're talking about, Candace.

- I'm talking about understanding

the botany of your feminine flower.

- What flower?

- It's time for you to get acquainted with

the different parts and functions of your vulva.

I'll teach you.

- Hello, this is Candace von Weber.

I'd like to make a reservation for Jury Duty.

- Oh no. Oh no, no, no.

I FaceTimed Vanessa by accident.

[speaking Kurundi] Vanessa!

- I told you about her.

[angrily speaking Kurundi] Vanessa!

- Baby, don't be like that.

Voiceover: For more "Odd Mom Out"

go to bravotv.com.