Original subtitles

- Next is a Bravo original comedy.

- A year ago, my life took an unexpected turn.

I lost everything that mattered to me.

I was shattered, so I started

making handbags for my friends,

just to get out of my own head,

and it exploded.

I look around now,

and I feel so fortunate.

- In less than one year, Brooke von Weber

has gone from budding fashion entrepreneur,

with her capsule collection of luxurious accessories,

to lifestyle empress.

- This is my atelier.

We had my husband's shaman come

and burn sage to cleanse the aura,

and a feng shui specialist who told me

to move my drafting table facing west,

or my chi would be out of balance.

Our design studios are covered in art.

Larry Manassian personally curated the spaces.

I always say I have one person

to thank for all of this:

Joy Green, bestselling author of "The Joy Manifesto."

I to into that in greater detail

in my TED talk, happening next month.

- Brooke is doing a TED talk?

- Yeah, should I get us tickets?

- You're killing me, Ted.

Who the hell is this "Ted" person, anyway?

[screams]

[rock music]

- * Hey, yes, you know

* I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine *

both: * Joshua fought the battle of *

* Jericho

* Jericho, Jericho

* Joshua fought the battle of

* Jericho, and the walls came a-tumbling down *

- * Tumbling down

- Waze says zero traffic to Southampton.

We are cruisin'!

- Andy, do not anger the traffic gods.

- [sighs] You and your superstitions.

I am not afraid of you!

- One more time!

all: * Joshua fought the battle of *

* Jericho - Whoo!

[club music]

*

- Welcome to Sea Spray. Hi, Barbara. Oh.

Welcome to my white party celebrating the season.

- Sorry to interrupt you guys, but we just graduated

from Harvard Business School and we had to meet you.

- HBS? That's awesome.

This is my business partner, Pete Wilson.

He's too humble to admit it, but this guy is the reason

we had hockey-stick growth this quarter.

- Not true. Not true.

- This is Ernie Krevitt. - Hey.

- Sharpest investor on the continent.

Remember this guy's name when you make your first $10 mil.

- Come on, you guys want a pic with the Hercules heroes here?

Let's go. - You're twisting my arm.

- Yeah, let's do it. - This is good.

- Great. Here we go. - Yeah, actually...

we meant her.

No offense. - Oh, really?

- I did my Capstone project on von Weber designs.

I want to be you. - Thank you.

You two are adorable. [sighs]

- Sir, would you mind taking a picture of us?

- Of course. - Great.

- Yeah. - Thank you. That's great.

- Yeah, all right, uh,

one, two, three.

[rock music]

[laughter]

*

[laughter] - Brooke! Brooke!

The "New York Times" piece is the number-one most shared.

- [gasps] - 986 comments. 989.

- I'm forwarding to Simon Doonan,

Roopal Patel, and Linda Fargo.

- Oh, genius. - Hon.

My mother wants you to meet, uh--

- Jackie O's sister

just started following me on Twitter.

- Lee Radziwill? Oh, my God! both: No!

[phone ringing] - Oh, I'm getting a phone call.

It's probably for business.

This could be important, so I'm gonna...

- Marc Jacobs Tweeted. - Yellow?

- Lex Luthor! - Andy-monium!

You guys getting close?

- T-minus 38 minutes.

Hey, tell Brooke "Congratulations"

on that "Times" piece.

- [chuckles] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- The kids have already watched it 10 times.

- Yeah. - Okay, see you soon.

- Come on, I know you've got a joke up your sleeve

about Brooke and this "Times" thing--let's go.

Spit it out. - No, no. Sorry.

I was just getting another sweet "Thank you" note

from one of my doormen.

I loved that project.

[laughter] - Uh-oh. Butt crack attack.

- Oh, my God--Miles, what are you--give me that!

Oh, don't worry, it's not porn.

It's just my--my doormen.

- Jill, those are your doorman shots?

- Yeah, why? You knew they were nude.

- I guess when you said they were nude, I didn't realize

they wouldn't have any clothes on.

- Andy, you're such a hypocrite.

You pride yourself on knowing the names

or all your mother's doormen,

but do you really know anything about who they are?

- Maybe not, but I don't think knowing

Carlton bends to the left is gonna get me there.

- It's to the right.

- [chuckles]

[rock music]

*

So, I'm thinking maybe better to not bring up

your doorman project at this party.

I'm afraid it's the wrong crowd.

- Wow, you're actually embarrassed by me.

- Am I not allowed to be weirded out by the fact

that all these doormen who say, "Hey, Jill, how's it going,"

have been naked in our apartment?

Did any of them sit on the furniture?

- [sighs] How is it different

from art students sketching nude models in class?

- Because that's art.

- Excuse me? - Okay, you know what I mean.

You know--can we please talk about this another time?

- No, I think it's important that the kids see

that we fight and work it out. - Okay.

- Daddy is making me very angry right now.

- Are you guys getting a divorce?

- No, Mi-- - Maybe.

Oh, God.

- [sighs] - Why are we stopping?

- Because Daddy angered the gods

with his "Zero traffic" comment.

See, if you were Jewish, you would just know this stuff.

[club music]

- A toast to you, Ernie.

And to many more happy returns

for all the von Webers.

- I'll drink to that.

You know, I always say,

behind every Fortune 500 company

is a mother-- or mother-in-law--

with a great ass. - Ernie, please.

You know, your wife is over there dipping her strawberries

in my chocolate fountain as we speak.

- I hope she's enjoying it.

[phone ringing]

- How is the Montauk Hellway?

- We have been in a total standstill

for over an hour.

I am losing my mind.

I would jump in front of a car

if any were moving.

Sorry to complain.

Don't you have a double shift?

- Yeah, but it's not too bad.

- "Not too bad"? What's come over you?

- Nothing--oh, we tried that fondue place

you love last night. Delish!

- "We"? Who's "We"?

You mean--you mean, you and Graham?

- Yes, me and Graham.

Or "Graham and I," if my mom's listening.

- Vaness, I can hear you blushing through the phone.

Wow, I guess I have to get used to you guys

being a couple again. Mazel tov.

- Save it. I told you,

he's leaving in a few weeks.

Better go--I have a patient in a coma with very grim odds.

- Oh, I hate when you do that to me.

Now I feel bad complaining about traffic.

- Don't--I've driven to Maine with your kids.

I'd rather be here.

- [laughs] Okay.

[horns honking]

All right, that's it.

I'm gonna go see what the hell is going on.

- Be careful!

[horns honking]

[upbeat music]

- Where are you guys?

Lady Gaga and Bono are about to get hologrammed in.

- No! - [groaning]

- This is the worst day of my life.

- Pull it together, Hazel. You're being dramatic.

Okay, here comes Jill. - [whining]

- Stay tuned.

What'd they say? - [sighs]

Nothing.

The reason for the traffic is nothing.

No construction. No accidents. Nothing.

- [sighs] We are never getting out of here.

- I want to kill myself.

- Guys, you're being dramatic.

- Yeah, pull it together.

[dramatic music]

[screaming]

- Hi, Candace. You're probably not checking your messages,

but we are so, so sorry.

I know how important it was for us to be there

for your big welcome speech,

but please, start without us.

[sighs] God, I hope they're not waiting for us

to get the party started.

[dance music]

- Whoa.

*

- Janice, teach us some new moves.

What are they doing in da clubs?

- Uh, well, okay.

I'm a little out of it these days, but...

all: Oh!

- Okay! Okay! - Yeah!

- Whoo!

- That's how we do it in Michigan!

For real! - Whoo!

all: Oh! Oh!

- Who am I kidding?

Chapter two of my career hasn't exactly skyrocketed.

[sighs] I mean, maybe I'm just not that great

of a photographer, like Trixie said.

- What are you talking about, hon?

Two hours ago you were on top of the world.

- I mean, I know I don't suck,

but what if I'm only average?

I always thought that kids were just

a rest stop from work, but...

- We're bored.

- Maybe I'm just better at the mom thing,

and I should accept it.

- Hello? - My arm hurts.

- Guys, I'm trying to talk to Daddy.

Please stop interrupting.

At least I know I'm good at that.

Maybe that's my real calling.

- Can we watch another movie?

all: Mo-vie! Mo-vie! Mo-vie!

- Guys, stop chanting, or I will climb back there

and make you regret you ever met me!

You know what I mean?

[farting]

- Sorry about that, Mr. Evans.

- [gurgles]

[wheezing]

[grunting]

- Holy shit.

all: Mo-vie! Mo-vie!

- Okay, they burned through everything else.

We're down to "Sound of Music" or "Gandhi."

"Gandhi" is longer, I think.

- "Sound of Music." It has kids.

It'll be more fun for them.

[musical fanfare]

- But why would Rolfe turn so mean all of a sudden?

- Because he's a Nazi. - What's a Nazi?

- Bad guys. - Are they real?

- Yes. - Are they gonna get us?

- I'm scared. - Mom?

- Shh. Okay, guys.

A long time ago, there was a lot

of economic disparity in Germany,

and somebody had to take the blame.

- So, if they caught the von Trapps,

would they have killed them?

- The Nazis would kill people?

- No! I mean, yes.

- Look, guys, the point is, they weren't caught.

They got away, thanks to those awesome nuns,

and now they own a prosperous B&B in Vermont.

[horns honking]

- Oh, my God. Did you see that?

Excuse me?

I think you dropped something. - I'm sorry?

- That bottle that just flew out of your car?

I think you meant to put it in a trash can.

- [groans] - Hon, back off.

You never know who carries a gun

in their glove compartment these days.

- No, I am sick and tired

of people not standing up for what's right.

If people had spoken up earlier during World War II,

the world would be a very different place right now.

- Excuse me? Did you just call me a Nazi?

- No. - Stop talking.

Just roll up your window.

- Well, that would be obvious.

I'm in a very delicate situation here.

- And whose fault is that?

- I hate when people litter.

- Well, I hate nosy bitches.

Enjoy.

- Hey. Follow her. Go on that side road thing.

- Hon, only sleazebags use the shoulder.

It's for emergencies.

- Well, this is an emergency.

We're missing the dark chocolate fountain.

- [sighs]

- Here you go, princess. - Ah.

- Oh, she's on a diet. - Just eat a little.

- Nice girl. - Thank you.

Janice, I'm so glad you could come today.

I hope the whole "White" theme isn't offensive to you.

I want you to know I support #BlackLivesMatter.

#Okay?

- Brooke, I have to say something.

- Tell me who it is.

Tell me who treated you differently

because of the color of your skin

and I will fire her today.

- Ah...this is awkward.

Um, I've been... getting the impression...

that you think I'm black.

- The term is "African American,"

and honestly, I don't see color.

I just see people.

- Brooke, come on.

You always insist on calling me "J'neece."

You always want to gossip with me

about Kanye and Idris Elba.

You got me that "Essence" subscription--

you know, which I appreciate,

and the articles are great--

- Janice, we're all equal--

- For the last time, it's not "J'neece."

It's Janice. And I'm not black.

- But you identify as black, right?

Aren't you from Detroit? - No.

Bloomfield Hills. I'm white.

[chuckles]

- [sighs] Well...

You really led us down the primrose path, didn't you?

Throwing in all those "Aights" and "Grrrls"!

- That was you. Not me.

Now that I think about it, I am retroactively offended.

In fact, I have half a mind to call

the Southern Poverty Law Center and report

that my civil rights have been violated.

- But you're not black.

- Yeah, but you thought I was.

So all those things you said to me

were very offensive-- if I had been.

- But you're not. - Yeah.

And actually, as a white person,

I was also discriminated against

because you gave preferential treatment

to someone solely based on their race.

- But it was you. - It was black me.

Not white me.

You'll be hearing from white me's lawyers.

Excuse me.

- Oh, my God. - Mind blown.

- I'm just gonna say it:

I thought she was a little boring for a black person.

[hip-hop music]

c] - Hi. - Hi.

- Why are you whispering? - 'Cause you're whispering.

Why are you whispering?

- Well, you know how I had

that terminal comatose patient?

- Oh, no. Did he croak? - Actually, no.

I seem to have brought him back to life.

- Oh, my God! Miracle worker.

Why are you never in that "Best Doctors"

issue of "New York" magazine?

- Uh, well, before you call the editor,

you should know I think I cured him with a massive fart.

[laughter]

I'm on speaker? Hi, guys.

Hating you. - Why?

You gave us our first laugh in hours.

More miracles.

- [grunts] Hey, great news.

Just got another tasty offer for your wife's company.

Can't say I'm surprised. - Huh.

Feels a little premature, don't you think?

- Hell, no, got to strike when the iron's hot.

Dude, was I wrong about the bagels?

- Joseph wants to open a store in Chicago?

- He was just here, yeah.

Oh, my God. Joy!

You actually came! - Of course I came.

I'm so sorry to be late.

The traffic was, shall we say, trying.

- Oh, well, if you're saying that,

it must have been unbearable.

Who's more patient than you?

- No one!

- Guys, Joy Green,

author of "The Joy Manifesto" is in the house!

[cheering]

- This is great!

How did we ever live without this?

- I want a cookie. - Dottie, no.

You're already cracked-out on sugar as it is.

- We have lots of other options. - I want a cookie!

- Smushed banana, seaweed shards,

cheddar bunny dust-- this is disgusting.

- Cookie! - Not so much fun

being on snack bag duty, is it?

I love driving. - Cookie!

- It's in park. Okay.

Dottie, have some pineapple.

See? Problem solved.

- So, what are we gonna discuss

now that I know that you hate the one project

I've been excited about since going freelance.

- That's not what I said. - Mommy?

- Dottie, I said no more cookies, end of story.

Don't ask again. - Um, guys?

Dottie looks weird.

- Oh, shit!

- We have to get her to a hospital.

- Okay, sleazebag lane, here we come.

[tires squealing] - [screaming] Oh, my God!

Mom! - Mommy!

- Yeah, just an allergic reaction.

Swelling's down. That Benadryl works fast.

- So, note to self: no pineapples for Dottie.

And thank you for looking at Hazel's head.

- And for doing that CAT scan.

- We were running pretty fast.

- My arm still hurts.

- Oh, boy. Everyone wants attention.

* Drama

- Anyway, thank you again, Doctor.

We will get out of your way. Come on, guys.

- No, seriously.

It's been hurting since Tuesday after the game.

- Well, what happened on Tuesday, huh?

Maybe I should take a look. - Why not?

I'm sure your mother's already

excommunicated us by now.

- And to have everyone here that I truly care about

all in one place is like a dream come true to me.

My son Alexander and his beautiful wife,

Brooke von Weber, whose handbag line

is taking the world by storm!

[cheers and applause]

And, uh, Jill and Anderson...

who do things...

they're--they're around here somewhere.

Anyway, please enjoy Bronson's latest decadence:

ice cream sandwiches made with grain alcohol gelato.

And just warn the children, please.

[laughter]

- Babe, great news.

Pete just got a sick offer

from a guy who wants to buy von Weber.

- Really? - Yeah.

I think we should do it.

Strike while the iron's hot.

- So, you mean someone else

would own my company and my name?

- Yes, but you'd be set.

You'd never have to work again.

- I didn't have to work before.

I love what I'm doing, Lex.

- But you're so busy and stressed.

Don't you want to get back to focusing on your philanthropy,

the kids, get back to being Class Mom--

- No, I'm never going back.

Do you still not understand that I've changed?

- Yeah, of course. Yeah.

- I built von Weber from nothing.

- [chuckles] Well, not exactly from nothing.

- How dare you.

Plenty of people have seed money and then blow it.

[sighs] You know what?

I don't want to do this again. I can't.

- Can't what?

Brooke, are you saying what I think you're saying?

About our vows renewal? Are you having doubts?

- I just found out Janice

is a white girl from the suburbs.

And then a Twitter follower who I thought was Lee Radziwill

turned out to be a fraud.

I don't know who to believe anymore.

I just--I need some time to think.

didn't believe you about the arm.

But I will believe you when you tell me

you have Type 2 diabetes.

- You know what?

Who needs caviar and champagne

when we can be here.

- And guys, I actually drove us somewhere

and we all survived. - Just barely!

- Yay, Mommy! - Yay!

[all cheering]

- Cheers for Mom. - Yay, Mommy.

Yay, Mommy.

- Brooke. Hi. Oh, my God.

Is Candace totally ripshit that we're not there?

- No.

She's too busy flirting with Ernie Krevitt.

But I'm really upset.

- Really? I'm so sorry.

We had to make a pit stop at the ER.

- Can we stay on me?

I just--I think I'm freaking out about Lex.

- Why? What happened?

- As the day gets closer, I'm just not sure

that he's the man I want to marry again.

- Oh, everyone gets cold feet

before a...vows renewal.

- Oh, and you missed meeting Joy Green.

You guys both always give me new perspective.

- Oh, thanks, but I'll meet her at the vows renewal, right?

- Ugh, I just can't think about that right now.

Tell the kids I'm bringing home

100 Sprinkles cupcakes for each of them.

- Kids, say "Hi" to Aunt Brooke.

all: Hi, Aunt Brooke.

- Hi, guys. Everyone missed you.

Jill, I told you you guys should have

taken the seaplane with us.

- Wait, we could have flown?

- No way! - Seriously?

- Is that true? We could have flown?

What's wrong with you?

- Brooke, I'll call you back later.

If I'm still alive.

- How come you didn't ask me that?

- Okay, guys, let me explain.

It just felt a little too extravagant

to fly to Long Island.

And no one feels bad for you

if you die in a private plane crash.

And we're Webers, not vons, remember?

- But we could have been in a seaplane!

- Why don't you ever let us have any fun?

- Why don't you ever let us do anything fun?

We missed the party!

[all talking at once]

- Oh, Dr. Wrigley, Herman was at death's door,

and you wouldn't let him go.

- [groans] - You saved him.

We owe you everything.

- You know, I wish I could say I did something

to bring this about.

Medicine is part science,

part art, and the rest is a mystery.

- It must have come from above.

- Or...below.

- For more "Odd Mom Out," go to BravoTV.com.

[seagull chirping] - Oh, dear.

- Left, right, left, right, left, right.