Original subtitles

male announcer: Next is a Bravo original comedy.

[frenetic techno music]

- * You shake it, shake it, shake it for me *

* You shake it, shake it, shake it for me *

* You shake it, shake it, shake it *

- Slo-mo!

- Oh, yeah. - Go, Dottie.

all: Go, Dottie. Go, Dottie.

Go, Dottie. Go, Dottie.

[cheering]

- All right, now cheer for Daddy,

who's rockin' it at his new job.

- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. - Go, Daddy.

- Go, Daddy. - Go, Daddy.

- Okay, Mommy's turn.

- Hold up. - Mommy!

- Hey, mama. Oh, mama.

Here we go. - Hazel, hat.

[all cheer]

- * I like it

- Mama's turn. Mama's turn.

- * Shake it for me

- * You shake it, shake it, shake it for me *

* You shake it, shake it, shake it for me *

[chair crashes]

- Mommy? - Mommy!

- [screams] My f---ing finger!

- Mommy. - Mommy, language!

[rock music]

- * Hey, yes, you know

* I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine *

- Since this is your third broken bone in two years,

I ordered a DEXA Scan, and I'm glad I did,

because the results confirmed my hunch.

- Which was?

- You have advanced osteopenia.

- Is that--am I gonna live?

- Yes, you'll live.

It just means that you have the bones of an 82-year-old.

- What? - Give or take a year.

- How is that possible? What did I do wrong?

- Often, it's purely hereditary,

but bone loss can be exacerbated

by lack of exercise,

excessive alcohol consumption,

coffee, cola,

alcohol.

- You said that already.

[scanner beeps]

- Did you find everything

you needed today?

- Uh, yeah.

Not in a global sense, but yeah.

- Do you have a club card?

- Oh, man, I do,

but not with me.

- That's okay. We can pull it up

with your phone number.

- Oh, great. 917...

Uh, 917.

Sorry.

It's 917...

What's wrong with me?

I know this.

What is my phone number?

- I know your phone number. Want me to tell you?

- No, don't.

I want to see how long it takes me to remember.

Do I have Alzheimer's?

- No. Remember at the movies, when I couldn't remember

what's-her-face's name, with the hair?

From that show we used to love?

- Oh, yeah. I love her.

What's her name again?

- I have no idea.

But you keep changing the subject.

- From what? I can't remember.

- Graham.

- Oh, yeah. It's fine.

We kissed for a second, and then I came back to my senses,

and now he's staying with a cousin.

- Okay, good riddance.

See ya never, Graham.

Sorry I'm talking like Cindy Brady.

I just put in a new Invisalign.

- Oh, I couldn't tell.

I forgot you and Hazel are doing that whole

mother-daughter teeth straightening thing.

You guys are so cute.

- Yeah, well, when your ten-year-old tells you

that you have "granny teeth,"

you have to take action.

- What is wrong with us?

Everyone's always saying things

like, "60 is the new 40."

- Oh, no. That's bullshit.

40 is the new 70.

- 70? Okay, you wish.

- Ooh, I like that bag.

- Yeah, I think it's a Von Weber.

- Oh, my God.

That's one of Brooke's bags?

- [stammers]

Sorry. - That's not funny.

I just liked something that Brooke designed.

It was like a blind taste test

that I failed.

- It's a cute bag.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

- No, if she's designing something that's actually good,

I can't make fun of her.

Her career is en fuego,

and I'm shooting doorman head shots for free.

- No, you just need to work on your hustle.

Have you ever pitched yourself to Brooke?

- Ugh, no.

First of all, you can't mix work and family.

That's inevitable disaster,

and second, she knows what I do.

She could've hired me if she wanted to.

- Well, you don't ask, you don't get.

You're 82.

What are you gonna do,

wait until you're 90

to get your career in gear?

- Ow.

Elder abuse.

- That was delicious, guys. Thanks again.

- Hello, Anderson.

- Hey, what are you doing here?

- Hi.

I'm meeting Celia for our standing lunch date.

And who have we here?

- These are the wunderkinds I was telling you about:

Chad and Omar, from my new job.

- Yes. Charmed, I'm sure.

Is the rest of the company this handsome?

- [laughs] This is my mother,

Mrs. von Weber.

- Oh, so we have you to thank

for bringing Andy into the world.

[both laugh]

- Anderson, may I have a word?

- Sure, I'll see you guys back at the office.

- Nice meeting you.

- Yes.

How dare you embarrass me that way?

- What? What did I say?

- You know goddamn well what you said.

You introduced me as your mother.

- Are you not my mother?

- Must I spell everything out for you?

You are a middle-aged man now,

so think about how that impacts me.

- You?

- Yes.

You are so self-involved.

Until further notice,

I would prefer that you introduce me

as your dear friend.

- Your table is ready, Mrs. von Weber.

*

- So, wow, this is like a real wedding dress.

- But do you think it's solemn enough

for the occasion?

- Well, I mean, given that

it's just a vows renewal, I--

- "Just a vows renewal?"

- Jill, this is much more meaningful

than a wedding.

Lex and I have been to darker places

than you could ever understand.

- Anyway.

Shifting gears,

I just wanted to remind you

that I'm still pluggin' away

at ye old photography biz,

just in case, you know,

you...

- Yes?

- Well, I mean, no pressure, but if you ever need

a photographer for anything...

- Oh, you're asking me for a job.

Jill, I say this with love.

I believe mixing work and family

is never wise.

- Yeah, I have heard that said.

Sorry.

- Don't be sorry.

I just know so much more now,

and I want to share my wisdom with you.

Janice, how's it going in there?

- You tell me.

What do you think? - Oh, my God.

Beyond love.

Jill, this is my bridesmaids' dress.

Isn't it heaven?

- Yeah.

I mean, it might be

a little slinky for me.

- [laughing] Oh, no, no, no, no.

This is for the other girls.

They're by Amsale.

I have something much more age-appropriate for you.

Janice here definitely has the booty for it.

- Seriously, it runs in my family.

- Yeah.

- Well, that was easy.

- Yeah.

Isn't that color the best for her skin tone?

She's so Lupita Nyong'o.

- I don't see that.

- Tara, the gown.

Here is your matron of honor gown.

Bring it in.

Thank you.

- Holy shit.

- I know.

Gorgeous, right?

I thought if anyone can pull off a drapey sheath,

it's J-to-the-izzle.

- Is this also Amsale?

- Sweetie, no.

It's someone else.

And listen, about your career.

It may not feel this way,

but I'm doing you a favor

by not handing you a job.

You'll get there on your own, like I did,

and it'll feel so good.

Now go try on this dress.

*

inging] - Let me guess. You need a kidney.

- No, I'm just calling to say hi.

- You'd think when you divorce someone,

they might get the hint.

- Actually, I do want something from you.

- I knew it.

- I'd like to take you to dinner.

You know, just as a thank-you

for picking me up at the airport,

keeping me hydrated, all that stuff.

- So not necessary.

Think of it this way.

I could now teach a course

on yak polio protocol.

- Don't be difficult.

Just say yes.

[rock music]

[phone ringing "Bad to the Bone"]

- 1-800-crypt-keeper.

How may I direct your call?

- Yes, hi, I'd like to be connected

to your Alzheimer's department?

Why did I divorce Graham again?

- Is this a trick question? I give up.

- I seriously can't remember,

and he's taking me out to dinner,

and I need to be armed.

I can't backslide again.

- Okay, you know I always liked Graham,

but you two were a disaster together.

For one thing, he was always rude to your mom--

- Well, she doesn't understand sarcasm.

- Also, he's a know-it-all.

- Yeah, but to be fair,

I should read international news

before skipping to the op-ed page.

- And Graham was never around.

He was always off saving the world.

- Is that it? Because at this point, the idea

of being married to someone

who's never around seems ideal. - No, there were

other things too. [buzzer sounds]

I can hear you getting sucked in.

Hi. Come on up.

And speaking of sucking,

I asked Brooke for a photo assignment,

and she told me

she doesn't mix work with family.

- Oh, you should know by now not to listen to me.

- It's okay.

Humiliation is my jet fuel.

[doorbell rings] Oh, I got to go.

My doorman's here. - Knock him dead.

*

- Okay, Carlton.

Give me a deep breath.

[exhales loudly]

- [exhales]

- Okay, perfect. Now--

[sings a scale]

- [sings a scale]

- Now a big laugh. [laughs]

- [laughing]

- Ah, there we go.

This is great.

There's the smile I was looking for.

There's a bubbly personality under that uniform.

[camera shutter clicks]

This is great.

Okay, I think we have plenty for the union.

- Aw, I was just starting to have fun.

- Really?

I mean, if you have a little extra time,

I'm trying to build up my portfolio.

We could do a few more that are, like, looser,

a little more "arty."

- Um...

[laughs]

- No, if not, no worries.

- Um...okay, sure.

Why not?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Okay, great.

Let me just go get another lens.

I'll be right back.

Stand by.

- [chuckles]

- It'll just be a second.

Normally I like to use a medium lens

for a portrait.

Here we go.

*

This one will get me closer,

so we can capture every single...

*

Detail.

- Is--is this okay?

This is what you meant by "arty," right?

- Uh, sure.

*

- [humming]

- Hi, is there anything

I can help you with today?

- Yes, I was hoping you could help me

with some anti-aging products.

Moisturizers, lotions,

anything that promotes springy skin.

You know, shrinks pores,

erases broken blood vessels.

- Certainly.

If you'd like to sit down,

I'd be happy to give you

a personal consultation.

- I beg your pardon.

My face is as soft

as the inner thigh of a newborn.

It's my son that needs help.

He's approaching middle age

with no vanity, fear,

or regard for how it affects the rest of us.

- Believe it or not,

I see a lot of this.

- I find that strangely comforting.

- Terrific.

Smile, George.

Work it. W-E-R-Q.

Flash those baby blues.

And great.

Head shot, three-quarter,

profile.

That's a wrap, George.

- [stammering] Oh, is that it?

'Cause I heard you asked Carlton

to do all kinds of different shots.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Yeah.

What's he got that I don't?

- Terrific, George.

Yes, awesome, George.

Secret!

Ooh.

Yes, Michael.

Hello, bellman. Dingdong.

Fragile.

Love those epaulets.

Give me the other epaulet.

And salute.

All right, Abe.

What's in the luggage?

Blow that whistle. Taxi!

It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

There's my bags.

Make love to that lens.

Give it to me, Mark.

Yes.

Work it.

[jazzy music]

[people conversing quietly]

[rock music]

- You know, not to brag,

but these doorman photos are really good.

- That's great, honey.

Can I take this thing off now?

- No, your mother said--

- Ah!

"Dear friend."

- [laughs] Your "dear friend"

said that you have to wear Georgia Louise

for 20 minutes every day

if you want to look like an embryo.

[phone chiming]

Did Lex mention why they're so hell-bent

on taking us to dinner tonight? - Nope.

- I bet you Brooke just wants

to finish lecturing me

on how to be a career gal.

- And just because they're on their second honeymoon,

why do we have to eat dinner in the middle of the night?

This isn't Barthelona.

- It's 9:45.

It's not the middle of the night.

Let's get going. - [grunts]

[groans]

- Oh, babe, no.

Those jeans.

- What, no jeans at this place?

- Well, maybe jeans at this place,

but not dad jeans.

You look like a high school math teacher

let loose at a buffet at Mohegan Sun.

- I like these jeans.

They're comfortable!

- All right. Calm down.

- No, I won't calm down.

I am older than you.

I am older than Lex.

I'm older than my colleagues.

Some people might even think I'm older than my mother.

I don't care.

In fact, I am happier now

than I was in my 20s and my 30s.

And you know what else?

Brett Favre wears dad jeans.

[phone ringing "Bad to the Bone"]

- Please take them off.

Hi.

- I think I just remembered why I divorced Graham.

- Now that Lex and I are renewing our vows,

we want to bring some mystery and adventure

into our marriage.

- So we're eating dinner tonight

in complete darkness.

- Huh? - What?

- It's supposed to heighten

all other senses.

- Good for your palate

and your libido, allegedly. - Aww.

- My senses were already heightened

when I heard we were eating at 9:45.

- Yeah, we're pretty tired too.

Haven't been sleeping much lately, if you know what I mean.

- Yeah, we get it. We get it.

You're having lots of sex 'cause you're young.

That's what young people do. - Yeah.

- Hello, and welcome to Dinner in the Dark,

a sensory adventure.

We'll be putting on your masks and lining you up

as we review the dietary restrictions you sent us.

- Masks? Seriously?

No one asked us our dietary restrictions.

- Don't worry. We got you covered.

There's pretty much nothing you guys don't eat, right?

- Actually-- - Um.

- Great. Now, for Mrs. von Weber.

No dairy, no gluten, no meat, no oil,

no vinegar, no starch, no sugar.

Is that everything? - Sounds right.

- And for Mr. von Weber.

No soy, no bivalves,

no grapefruit, no dill,

no asparagus tips or bottoms-- just the middle--

and American broccoli only.

I assume that means no Chinese broccoli

or broccoli rabe? - You got it.

Lead me to my dinner.

*

- I am so, so sorry I'm late.

You have no idea the day I just had,

but it doesn't matter.

I should've called. I should've texted.

You can literally bite my entire head off.

I deserve it.

- It's okay.

- What? Why are you smiling?

It's freaking me out.

- It's fine, really.

Let's order.

- No, it's not fine.

What's going on? Don't you want to bawl me out?

- No, that's the beauty of not being married anymore.

I love the clarity I have right now.

- About what? About my lateness?

'Cause I know it's annoying, but it's--

it's not the reason we got divorced.

- Obviously, but...

you know.

You were always on time for work,

never missed a flight or surgery.

Then you'd come home, and you couldn't manage

to be on time to meet me.

Just saying.

- How about we get a bottle of wine?

Each.

- I'm not in the mood.

- Okay, I'm getting the feeling

that you want to just call it a night.

- No.

Actually, I think I'm in the mood

for a martini.

Dirty.

[tambourine rattling]

- I'm sorry, did someone

just take me to the Lilith Fair?

[tambourine rattling]

- We will engage all of your senses this evening,

not just with the food

but also with your environment. Enjoy.

[all snap fingers]

- No bread.

- How did she know there was bread?

- I'd like to propose a toast

to the love of my life,

Brooke. - Aww.

- In your eyes, the light, the heat.

In your eyes, I am complete.

Cheers. - Cheers.

- A little something I wrote... - Wow.

- Myself. - Incredible.

- Cheers. - Beautiful, honey.

- Here is your first course.

Enjoy.

- Mmm.

It's warm.

I would like to make my own toast.

- Oh, sorry, I have to take out my Invisalign.

Sorry, it's so gross.

[muffled] I usually do this in private,

but you guys can't see me, so who cares?

Anyway, continue.

- To Jill, who's been so determined

to jump-start her career.

[egg shaker sounding]

She even came to me--

she was nervous, I could tell--

to ask if Von Weber had any openings,

and I imparted to her my philosophy

about not mixing work and family.

- I heard it the first time.

- But as Joy Green would say--

[triangle rings]

"Every wise rule

has an even wiser exception,"

so I am offering you a job

to oversee Von Weber's Instagram account.

- Oh, well, that-- honey, that's a--

- What? - Yeah.

I want to help you find your joy, Jill.

I see you struggling, and it pains me.

- First of all, Brooke, I'm not "struggling."

I'm actually working on a project right now

that I'm very excited about.

- This better not be asparagus tip.

- Yes, so I'm gonna have to

respectfully decline your generous offer.

- Okay, well,

I was just trying to help.

I won't make that mistake again.

- That's definitely asparagus tip.

Gross.

- I just thought it could be fun.

- Really?

Look, Brooke, the reason that I'm passing

is honestly because of you.

- Yeah, I'm getting that feeling

loud and clear. - No, no, no.

That's not what I mean.

I'm saying, you decided

you were gonna be a designer,

and then you did it, and look at your company.

It's exploded.

- Yeah, I have had a meteoric rise.

- And I don't want to regret taking the safe route.

You never do, and I admire that.

- Please enjoy your next course.

- [stammering]

We're all set. Thanks.

- Jill, thank you.

You're reminding me:

I don't give myself enough credit.

- [exclaiming]

I taste a little something hairy in there.

That--mm-mm.

That's--I think that's dill.

Was dill not on my list?

Did the list just go out the window?

'Cause that was dill.

[gags]

- Whatever I'm eating,

it's delicious.

It's like a whole new sensation in my mouth.

What is this strange flavor

and texture? - [gagging]

- Should we be doing the Heimlich or something?

- No, I'm pretty sure if he can make a sound,

he can breathe.

Uh-oh.

- Lex? Lex?

Lex.

Okay, I'm taking my mask off.

My brother has eaten dill.

Turn the lights up, please.

He's choking!

- [choking]

- Ready?

- [grunts] I'm fine!

[clearing throat] I'm good.

- Was I just eating...

bread crumbs?

[vomiting]

- Oh, my God.

think I lost my Invisalign.

- Did you check the case?

- Yes, and my purse, and my pockets.

Oh, my God, what if I--

what if I ate it?

There was a chewy course.

There was a very chewy course.

It was calamari, right?

- I don't think so.

- Oh, my God.

I--I think I ate my Invisalign.

I'm gonna kill myself!

- Did you check your mouth?

[both laughing]

- Will you still love me

if I only have a fraction of my marbles?

- I will love you even after I have forgotten who you are.

- Well, just for that,

I'm taking 'em out again. - Oh.

- And you know what that means.

- Va, va, voom.

- But wait, there's more.

- Well, I don't need more.

[both sigh]

- Man. - I mean, really.

Does that count as break-up sex

if it's eleven years late?

- Sure, why not?

- [gasps]

917-555-0176.

Yes!

[upbeat rock music]

*

- What just happened?

- Long story. - Okay.

- I'm not getting any younger.

- Oh, hi, there.

I wanted to introduce you to my very sexy weighted vest

to battle my geriatric bones.

- Oho.

- And you want to hear something

that's really gonna turn you on?

- Mm-hmm.

- It's covered by insurance.

- Now, that's hot.

- And I have a present for you.

- [laughing]

Oh, God,

you weigh a ton.

- It's weight-bearing exercise for both of us.

- [laughing]

- For more "Odd Mom Out," go to Bravotv.com.

[seagulls calling] - Oh, dear.