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1
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:03,835
- Next is a Bravo
original comedy.
2
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,580
- Happy Valentine's Day,
honey!
3
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:12,350
- What?
What's going on?
4
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:13,850
We don't do Valentine's day.
5
00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,321
- I know.
But just open it.
6
00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:22,161
- I love it.
7
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:23,490
Thank you.
8
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,764
- Now read the card.
9
00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:29,763
- "I love you and I really don't
want to end up like this guy."
10
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:31,767
I don't get it.
11
00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:32,829
With your head
on my boobs?
12
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:33,996
I thought you liked that.
13
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,504
- I meant like a dead man.
14
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,336
We're having dinner
at my mother's tonight
15
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,471
to celebrate Brooke and Lex
getting back together.
16
00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:41,177
I'm sorry!
- At her place?
17
00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:43,139
But she hasn't invited us
back there since--
18
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:45,107
- I know;
I was surprised too.
19
00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:46,606
I guess she's forgotten.
20
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:50,647
- No, she remembers.
She's the human iCloud.
21
00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:53,124
She's setting a trap for me.
She's planning something.
22
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:55,494
- Jill, you spilled a little
red wine on her couch.
23
00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:58,533
- Her white couch,
custom-made in Milan.
24
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:01,859
And it wasn't exactly a little.
It was the flag of Japan.
25
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,325
- Well, she seems to have
let it go,
26
00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:06,404
so can you please try to
for me?
27
00:01:06,434 --> 00:01:08,544
- Yes, because I love you,
28
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:11,369
I'm willing to risk my life
and go back to your mother's.
29
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,405
- Okay, my mother
is a lot of things.
30
00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:16,811
But she's not a murderer.
Jill.
31
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:20,554
- All I know is, the dry cleaner
who ruined her Chanel suit
32
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,251
vanished into thin air.
33
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,393
Coincidence?
I think not.
34
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:27,048
- * Hey, yes, you know
35
00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:30,615
* I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine *
36
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:35,204
- Ooh!
37
00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:38,369
A von Weber Valentine's Day!
How romantic.
38
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:40,329
Maybe you should get
everyone lingerie.
39
00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:41,868
See where the night takes you.
40
00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:44,212
- Vaness, this is food.
I have to digest it.
41
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:46,068
- And now we turn our attention
back to Yak Polio...
42
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:48,444
- Ugh.
More Yak Polio.
43
00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:50,176
- Claimed another life,
this time in the United States.
44
00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,851
The virus was first discovered
in southeast Asia.
45
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,850
It is thought to originate
with yaks themselves.
46
00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:57,453
- Should I be freaking out
about that?
47
00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:58,885
- No.
48
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:00,649
I mean, I wouldn't
go to a yak petting zoo,
49
00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:03,688
but you know how the media
latches onto this stuff.
50
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:06,034
Hey, your divorced dude
finally called me.
51
00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:07,029
We're going out tonight.
52
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:08,360
- Bruce?
Yay!
53
00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:09,956
I've been waiting
four years
54
00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:11,467
for his sucky marriage
to crumble
55
00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:12,729
so I could fix you guys up.
56
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:14,696
- And you're sure he's not gay?
57
00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:18,865
Every Bruce I've ever known
is LGBTQQIA.
58
00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,706
Sensitivity training.
59
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:23,211
- He is none of those letters;
he's a non-gay Bruce.
60
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,114
- And he's not hung up
on his ex?
61
00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:27,083
I'm convinced
newly-divorced guys
62
00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,954
only date for the free therapy.
63
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,722
- Stop trying to find excuses.
64
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,091
And text me updates.
65
00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:33,749
I'm going to need
a distraction
66
00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:34,957
while I'm getting von-tortured
at Candace's.
67
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,458
[cell phone vibrating]
68
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,231
- Weird number.
Should I get it?
69
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:41,627
Could be a solicitor!
No!
70
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,732
- You love a good
phone confrontation.
71
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:46,274
I've gotta go anyway.
Happy VD.
72
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:47,970
- Hello?
73
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,971
- Am I speaking
with Vanessa Wrigley?
74
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,843
- Uh, depends.
Who is this?
75
00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:53,912
- I'm calling from the Centers
for Disease Control.
76
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:57,011
You're listed as the emergency
contact for Graham Whitman.
77
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,984
He collapsed on the Jetway
at JFK.
78
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,652
We need you to come for him
immediately.
79
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,651
- I'm his emergency contact?
80
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,323
I mean, I'll be right there.
81
00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:11,786
- [gasps]
Look at this!
82
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:12,825
This is magic.
83
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,260
We're in "The Jetsons."
84
00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:15,802
- I mean, who asks their guests
85
00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:18,799
to scour the city
for $500 worth of peonies?
86
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:20,772
It's like she thinks
we're her Oompa Loompas.
87
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,101
- Come on.
That was fun.
88
00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:23,665
I've never been
to the flower district.
89
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,444
- And you know
she's never gonna pay us back.
90
00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:28,483
I haven't been paid one red cent
for all the luncheons
91
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,479
I shot for her charities
this year.
92
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:31,911
- Come on, Valentine.
93
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:35,284
- Like, why do we have to come
two hours early?
94
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:36,553
- You know, she's just nervous.
She gets--
95
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,354
- Holy shit!
96
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:40,446
all: Demand insurance
for Yak Polio.
97
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,188
- I forgot the doorman strike.
[cell phone ringing]
98
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:44,290
Everyone was freaking out
about it at drop-off.
99
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:46,285
- Hello, Mother.
100
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,204
- What's that horrible noise?
101
00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:49,896
Are you in a discotheque?
102
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,330
- No, the doormen are on strike.
103
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:53,795
You may want to rethink
this dinner.
104
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,744
- We're New Yorkers, Anderson.
105
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,539
We don't stop living just
because of a little strike.
106
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,572
Otherwise, the terrorists win.
107
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:02,138
- They're doormen,
not terrorists,
108
00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:04,175
and I'm assuming
there's no elevator service.
109
00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:06,351
- Well, then you're going
to have wait for the caterers
110
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,150
to help them
bring everything up,
111
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:10,221
and tell Jill she's gonna
be writing the place cards.
112
00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:12,388
- Yours is going to say,
"Oedipus."
113
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,220
Bionic ears.
114
00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:15,762
- Be right there.
115
00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:21,959
[monitor beeping]
116
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:28,835
- V?
What are you doing here?
117
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,939
- I couldn't stop
thinking about you.
118
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:32,941
- Really?
- No!
119
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:34,543
I'm here because
you haven't updated
120
00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:37,375
your emergency contact
for 11 years.
121
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:38,951
Want to tell me what's going on?
122
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:41,549
- Dr. Whitman has been working
with a mobile clinic
123
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:44,752
in the Himalayas, and he's been
exposed to Yak Polio.
124
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,355
- I have none
of the diagnostic signs.
125
00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:49,915
Classic CDC overreaction.
126
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:52,357
- Even if your supplies were
being hauled by yaks,
127
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:54,233
did you lick one of them?
128
00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:55,731
- Hey, what happens
in the Himalayas
129
00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:57,533
stays in the Himalayas.
130
00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:58,525
- Okay, he's fine.
131
00:04:58,566 --> 00:04:59,866
- Sorry, doctors,
132
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,440
but the exposed patient
needs to be kept
133
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:03,699
in isolation for 24 hours.
134
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:07,067
And no flying for 30 days.
Can he stay with you?
135
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:09,977
I assume you're friends
or family?
136
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,710
- Yes, he can stay with me,
but no.
137
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:15,716
We're not friends or family.
138
00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:17,179
He's my ex-husband.
139
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,892
- Oh, my God.
140
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:26,394
It's like a One-Percenter's
apocalypse.
141
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,057
Do I smell...
[sniffs]
142
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:29,795
rotting Camembert?
143
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:30,800
- [chuckles]
144
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,231
[groans]
145
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,596
Okay, full disclosure:
146
00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:37,166
I do know
how to work the elevator.
147
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:38,644
- You do?
148
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,072
- When I was a kid,
I spent a lot of time
149
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,577
riding it with
my favorite doorman, Ivan.
150
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:43,939
He called me "Elevator Andy."
151
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:47,007
- Oh, good!
Then let's do this.
152
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,677
- I don't think we're supposed
to work the elevator
153
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:50,176
during a strike.
154
00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:53,747
- My seizure medication
is upstairs.
155
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,187
- Just this one trip.
156
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:59,993
Honey, if you please,
Elevator Andy is here!
157
00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:07,765
- I'm so sick
of these whiny doormen.
158
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,771
Let's go.
- Jill, are you coming?
159
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,673
- Let's go! Let's go!
- Actually, no.
160
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,465
I'm taking the stairs.
161
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:14,877
This doesn't feel right.
162
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,108
- I don't know,
but I've been told...
163
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:22,476
- Oh, my God.
I am dead.
164
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:23,976
- Jill, no bread!
165
00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:25,347
Take that back down to the van.
166
00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:26,723
They must have messed up
my order.
167
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,564
- What?
168
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,719
- Ah, the peonies!
169
00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:32,288
Oh, my God,
they're the wrong color.
170
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:34,495
I specifically said sorbet.
171
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,458
- Well, the guy
in the flower district said
172
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:39,004
that was just
"pretentious for pink."
173
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:40,232
His words, not mine.
174
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:43,067
- Well, he's wrong.
These are wrong.
175
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:45,543
You're a driver now--
why don't you zip back there
176
00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:47,213
and trade them in for white?
177
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,210
And while you're down there,
could you ask the doormen
178
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,913
to keep it down?
179
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:55,975
- Well, they are chanting
because they're angry.
180
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:58,816
And they feel
taken advantage of.
181
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:01,592
- Oh, here comes Hanoi Jill.
182
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:04,192
You know, I don't have time
for a political debate.
183
00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:07,234
You could have been
there and back by now.
184
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,700
- Okay.
185
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:13,670
[all chanting "scab"]
186
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,901
Carlton, hi.
187
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:18,066
Did somebody cross
the picket line?
188
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:19,605
- Yeah, your husband.
189
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,340
I heard he took my elevator.
190
00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:24,344
- Oh, right, that's only
'cause he has mommy issues.
191
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:26,177
all: Scab! Scab! Scab!
192
00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:28,123
- No, no, guys!
193
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,878
I'm with you.
I live in a walk-up, okay?
194
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:34,348
My front door is, like,
a collage of UPS post-its.
195
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:37,527
I know what it feels like
to be disrespected
196
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,058
and misunderstood...
197
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:42,402
Here, have a baguette.
Take some bread, please.
198
00:07:42,429 --> 00:07:44,869
She is a gluten-phobe.
She doesn't want it.
199
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,198
I think it's sourdough.
200
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:48,773
[indistinct]
They're all yours.
201
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,942
Here, and you know what?
Take the peonies.
202
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:54,041
She doesn't want 'em,
'cause they're not sorbet.
203
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,384
- Thank you.
204
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,038
Would you like a sign?
205
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,547
- Um...
206
00:07:58,546 --> 00:08:00,546
Yes.
Yes, I do.
207
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,190
- They buy their food
from Dean & DeLuca!
208
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,260
all: Buy their food
from Dean & DeLuca!
209
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,561
- Their attitude
just makes me puke-a.
210
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:14,604
all: Their attitude
just makes me puke-a.
211
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:17,328
- Anderson, I'm famished.
212
00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:19,404
Be a dear, would you,
and make me a martini.
213
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:22,302
No olives, no vermouth.
- So a shot of gin?
214
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:23,595
- And I'm out of Xanax.
215
00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:24,907
It should have come
in today's mail,
216
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,308
which hasn't arrived,
for some reason.
217
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,909
- That's because
of the strike, Mother.
218
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,411
Your mail is not gonna
get sorted or delivered
219
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,582
until it's over.
220
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:34,652
- How many people's lives
have to be destroyed
221
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:37,182
for this madness to end?
222
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:39,687
Be a dear, would you,
and fetch it for me?
223
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,090
You know I haven't entertained
since...
224
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:44,022
- Yes, we all know.
225
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:46,957
And Jill really appreciates you
opening your doors to us again.
226
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,864
- Well, she has a funny way
of showing it.
227
00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:51,356
What is she,
on the Pony Express?
228
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:53,468
- They drive out
to their Hamptons house!
229
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:55,700
all: They drive out
to their Hamptons house!
230
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:58,436
- But treat me
like a freakin' louse.
231
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,311
all: But treat me
like a freakin' louse.
232
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:02,040
- Okay, guys, one more time!
233
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:06,005
I don't think they can hear us
in the penthouse!
234
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:09,116
- Von Weber Xanax,
you have to be here somewhere...
235
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,819
von Patrick...
236
00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:13,992
von Essen...
237
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,521
- On their asses!
238
00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:17,063
For these Marie Antoinettes,
239
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:18,890
this is nothing,
your pay raise!
240
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,956
- Jill?
- Revolution!
241
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,804
Fight, fight, fight!
242
00:09:22,830 --> 00:09:24,900
- Anderson,
what is taking so long?
243
00:09:24,932 --> 00:09:26,672
I need my Xanax.
244
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,040
- Mother, how did you
get down here?
245
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,738
- The stairs.
246
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,710
I'm doing Barry's Boot Camp
four times a week.
247
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:36,340
Ooh, Express Scripts!
I'd know that package anywhere!
248
00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,506
- No, that is
Mrs. von Hewson's Vicodin.
249
00:09:38,545 --> 00:09:39,905
She's already called down
about it.
250
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:42,147
And this is Mrs. von Trier's
Percocet.
251
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,352
I have a system.
252
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:48,264
- Why don't I just deliver these
on my way back up?
253
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:49,518
[pills rattling]
254
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:52,726
Takes a village, right?
255
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,730
- Mother, it's a felony
to tamper with U.S. mail!
256
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,597
- Welcome
to your isolation chamber.
257
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:05,236
Can I get you anything?
258
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,542
Some water?
259
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:09,683
- Uh, no, thanks.
260
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,010
- Oh my God,
261
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,684
please don't make me
feel guilty
262
00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:14,383
for having
running water again.
263
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,254
- People in Burundi would kill
for that stuff.
264
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,953
You know what's going on
over there, right?
265
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:21,856
- Yes, Graham, we all know
what's going on over there.
266
00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:23,759
It's awful.
267
00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:25,631
So I'm going to go shower,
268
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:27,799
and it's gonna take
longer than 90 seconds.
269
00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:29,898
Do you think
you can handle that?
270
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,360
- Let's find out.
271
00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:33,928
- So, help yourself
to soy sauce packets
272
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,537
and anything else in the fridge.
273
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:38,039
I'm gonna go get ready
for my date.
274
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:41,241
- Oh, you have a...
tonight?
275
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,244
- Yes.
276
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:44,706
Why, is it medically
irresponsible
277
00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:46,105
for me to leave you alone here?
278
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,376
- No, I don't have Yak Polio, V.
279
00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:51,475
I might have a few hundred
parasites, but that's it.
280
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:52,918
- I am not checking you
for pinworms again.
281
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:54,423
Fool me once...
282
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:56,724
- Just go on your date--
I know how to self-check now
283
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,827
with a hand mirror
and an iPhone.
284
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:00,989
It's called
the Burundi-up-and-undi.
285
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:02,728
- Bye.
286
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,499
- Come on, guys,
a little more pep.
287
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:09,604
We're getting soggy here.
Okay, listen up!
288
00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:11,966
Their highlights cost
more than my rent.
289
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,935
- Excuse-o me-o!
290
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:15,584
Pear-don-o.
291
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:18,808
"Mi siento."
Grazie.
292
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:21,406
- Jill.
What are you doing?
293
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,078
- Fighting injustice.
[megaphone feeds back]
294
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:25,116
- Jilly-Beans,
if you'd come upstairs with us,
295
00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:26,752
I can tell you what I learned
296
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:29,157
about compassionate capitalism
at Electric Forest.
297
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:32,089
This is an outdated model
for conflict resolution.
298
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,585
- So we're supposed to do
nothing
299
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:35,496
while people's rights
are being violated?
300
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,998
- Do what you want,
301
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,000
but Candace's caterers
have been slaving
302
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,832
over a hot stove
for this dinner.
303
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,198
Let's go, Lex.
304
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:45,035
- But I just really want Jill
to be there.
305
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,042
Don't be long, Jill.
- What's the big deal?
306
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,384
You've been acting weird
all day.
307
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:50,678
Did you take your bee pollen?
Come on.
308
00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:53,449
- So Jill...
309
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:54,880
- Hi.
- Hi.
310
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,545
We appreciate
all that you're doing here.
311
00:11:57,584 --> 00:11:59,424
- Well, I completely
support you.
312
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:02,192
I'm a freelance photographer,
and you'd be amazed
313
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:04,062
how many people never pay me.
314
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:06,061
All right, guys, how 'bout
a little Bob Marley?
315
00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:07,863
"Get up, stand up!"
Or Les Mis!
316
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,355
"Do you hear the people sing?"
317
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,496
- Some of the guys are asking
for a little break
318
00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:13,871
from all the chanting,
but how would you feel
319
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,201
about doing a coffee run?
320
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,235
- Oh, okay, I mean...
321
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:18,470
Sure.
Whatever you need.
322
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:19,635
- Great.
323
00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:21,812
So two grande skinny lattes,
324
00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:25,849
one mega Earl Grey,
one half-caf red spice mocha.
325
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:28,249
- Okay, I'm gonna need a pen.
326
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:36,821
[cell phone ringing musically]
327
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,085
- You will not believe my day.
328
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:41,827
- Me first:
what is happening in Burundi?
329
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,259
- Uh...
330
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,826
I don't know.
Civil war?
331
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:47,202
Drought? Floods?
Why?
332
00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:48,604
- Graham is here!
333
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:51,865
- Graham...
Graham-Graham?
334
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:54,205
Oh, my God.
You cannot see him.
335
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,681
- Well, that's impossible.
He's in my apartment.
336
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:59,109
- What? Why?
337
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,546
- Long story,
but it's only for a few days.
338
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:03,180
Like, no more than 30.
- No!
339
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:04,676
You're meeting non-gay Bruce
340
00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:06,217
and I don't want Graham
to ruin it.
341
00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:09,223
How does he look?
Is he still scorchingly hot?
342
00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:11,516
- He's aged annoyingly well.
343
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,058
But don't worry,
my date is still on.
344
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,693
- Okay, good.
345
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,927
Because Graham had his chance
with you and he blew it.
346
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:20,574
Big time--so keep you eyes
on the non-gay prize
347
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,040
and don't let Graham
suck you back in.
348
00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:25,440
Oh, and tell him I say hi.
349
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:30,780
- All right, ma'am, sir!
If you will.
350
00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:32,308
Tell Mom I'll be right there.
351
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,875
Just gotta park this thing,
pick up Norma Rae,
352
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:35,454
and be right back up.
353
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,891
[thud]
354
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:47,896
Shit.
355
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:50,655
Lex? Brooke?
356
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:52,367
[elevator clanks ominously]
357
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:53,999
Guys?
358
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:56,044
[cell phone rings musically]
359
00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,171
- Andy, I know this is hard,
360
00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:01,767
but I really need you
to understand
361
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,608
why I need to stay down here.
362
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,983
- The walls are closing in,
Jill...
363
00:14:06,013 --> 00:14:08,953
[cries]
- Hello? Where are you?
364
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:11,992
- I need air.
Can't...breathe.
365
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:15,919
- Yes, that's exactly how I feel
every time I'm at your mother's.
366
00:14:15,923 --> 00:14:17,323
- [breaking up]
I'm not...the apartment.
367
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,157
I'm stuck
368
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,492
in the...
369
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,927
- You're stuck where?
370
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:23,829
- Oh!
Oh, God.
371
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,531
- Hello?
372
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:30,442
- Andy, we're coming for you.
It's all gonna be okay.
373
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,169
- Oh, my God...
Oh, my God.
374
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,277
- Guys, I'm breaking
the strike right now,
375
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,109
so you better make it
worth my while.
376
00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:41,505
- Do you have anything?
- Um, I have about eight bucks.
377
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:44,218
And some dinosaur gummies.
- What?
378
00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:46,491
- Oh, my God.
- Um, what about photography?
379
00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:49,659
I do weddings, baptisms,
any bar mitzvahs coming up?
380
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:52,329
- Hey, you know what, the
union's overhauling the website.
381
00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:54,589
Will you shoot our headshots
and waive the fee?
382
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,627
- Done.
Seems to be my specialty.
383
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:59,573
- Okay, Andy, listen up.
- Yeah!
384
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:01,299
- These things become
death machines
385
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:02,974
if you don't know
how to use 'em right.
386
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:05,170
- Oh, no!
I'm gonna die in here!
387
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:07,165
- No, you're not!
You're Elevator Andy!
388
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:08,377
He can do this!
389
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,478
- He is a complex superhero.
390
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:11,840
He has issues.
391
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:13,308
- Just shut up
392
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,716
and jimmy the lever left,
and then right,
393
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,478
and then give it two bangs.
394
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:19,017
Can you do that?
395
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:20,592
- I don't know.
396
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,690
- Yes, you can.
I believe in you.
397
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,022
- Okay.
398
00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:26,057
[mutters indistinctly]
399
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:30,263
[dramatic music]
400
00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:33,797
*
401
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,236
- [in a low voice]
I think the couple behind us
402
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,171
is gonna be divorced
by St. Patty's day.
403
00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:41,707
- [chuckles]
404
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,881
- And how's my hottest couple
doing?
405
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:46,710
Have you decided
on your dirty desserts yet?
406
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:48,446
It is Valentine's Day.
407
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:50,681
- I'll have
the "Jamaican Me Horny."
408
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:53,287
Can I get that with extra rum,
please?
409
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,660
- And I will have
one "Chocogasm"
410
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:58,358
with special sauce, please.
411
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:01,261
Is everything okay?
[cell phone vibrates]
412
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:04,934
- Actually, sorry,
do you mind if I take this?
413
00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:06,272
You were supposed to text.
414
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,929
You okay?
415
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:10,195
You sure?
No temperature?
416
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:13,437
Good.
But don't call again.
417
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:16,913
No, I have no idea if "Jurassic
World" is a good movie.
418
00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:20,053
Get some sleep.
419
00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:22,477
- Jill didn't say
that you had kids.
420
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,945
- Kids?
Ha, no.
421
00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:27,952
No, that was my ex-husband.
422
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,455
- Ah.
423
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,319
She also didn't mention
that you were divorced.
424
00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:34,128
- Oh, trust me,
I forget half the time.
425
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:37,501
We were married for ten minutes
eons ago.
426
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:40,170
I mean, we're talking
dial-up modem age.
427
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,770
Most of my friends
don't even know he exists.
428
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,914
So tell me about your ex?
429
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,239
- [chuckles]
430
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,242
- [whispers] Okay.
431
00:16:51,278 --> 00:16:52,848
- Yes, I survived,
432
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,579
but I also had a lot of time
to think in there,
433
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,354
and you still
haven't answered me:
434
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:58,853
Did you make Ivan babysit me
on YaYa's days off?
435
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,715
Is that why I spent
so much time in the elevator?
436
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:04,363
- He didn't mind.
It was part of his job.
437
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:07,591
- Okay, did you deliver any of
those pills to your neighbors?
438
00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:10,257
- Oh, baby, baby...
439
00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:12,367
honey, come on, now.
440
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:14,669
Just relax.
441
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,671
It's so good to have
all my chickens home to roost.
442
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,144
- Cocktail, please?
443
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:23,182
- So damned good...
- Gazpacho is served.
444
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:26,350
[glass clinks]
Excuse me.
445
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:32,485
As the great philosopher
Eckhart Tolle once said,
446
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:35,519
"You can lose something
that you have,
447
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:39,525
but you can't lose something
that you are."
448
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,559
- Okay...
449
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:44,504
- Brooke, I've realized
something.
450
00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:46,801
I...
451
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:50,843
am you, Brooke.
452
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:53,140
You are the best me
453
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:55,143
that I am.
454
00:17:55,142 --> 00:17:59,152
And I want to ask you,
on this beloved holiday,
455
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:03,416
in front of all of the people
who love me most,
456
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,250
for your hand
457
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:09,055
in re-marriage.
458
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:11,416
Brooke von Weber,
459
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:14,058
will you be my re-bride?
460
00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:16,331
- What?
461
00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:20,033
So that's why
you've been acting so weird.
462
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:21,596
Yes!
463
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:25,174
The answer is yes!
464
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,335
On one condition.
465
00:18:27,374 --> 00:18:29,514
And I think you know
what that is.
466
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:32,512
- This?
467
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:36,245
Babe, no,
because this is a symbol
468
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,293
of everything
that we've been through.
469
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:41,918
It's a symbol of
my emotional vulnerability,
470
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,524
my openness.
I--
471
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:44,516
- Here you go.
472
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:45,557
- Thank you.
473
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,933
- [sighs]
474
00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:56,998
- I can't believe it!
475
00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:58,906
We're getting married!
476
00:18:58,938 --> 00:18:59,938
- Again.
477
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,810
[glass clinks]
478
00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:15,021
[indistinct chatter
on television]
479
00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:18,256
- Hey!
480
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:20,131
I want you to know I skipped
"Jurassic World"
481
00:19:20,227 --> 00:19:21,927
so that we could watch it
together tomorrow.
482
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:25,671
Or whenever you're not out
painting the town red.
483
00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:27,398
- Yeah.
Listen.
484
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,844
- Uh-oh.
Bad date?
485
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:33,239
- No, it was fine, but you can't
stay here after tomorrow.
486
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,240
- Really?
Why?
487
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,435
- Come on.
We did not end well.
488
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:41,448
- Yeah.
I still feel bad.
489
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:44,621
- No, I feel bad.
- Why would you feel bad?
490
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,151
- Maybe just embarrassed.
491
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:50,093
I was like,
"It's me or Zimbabwe."
492
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:51,762
What was that trip,
like, a month?
493
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:53,631
- Well, yeah,
but I could have stayed longer,
494
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:55,660
to work things out.
495
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,995
- Can't we just blame our 20s
and call it even?
496
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,670
- Sure.
497
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,929
But I'm kinda bummed.
498
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:03,798
It's good to see you.
499
00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:04,996
- Really?
500
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,737
- Yeah.
501
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:14,875
- Oh, my God.
That didn't happen.
502
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:16,184
Control+Z.
Good night.
503
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,775
- No, no.
I just felt weird.
504
00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:20,187
But I'm fine.
Come back.
505
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:23,822
- Are you sure?
506
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:32,874
*
507
00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:37,441
- Well, the good news is,
we won't be having dinner
508
00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:39,740
at your mother's apartment
any time soon.
509
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,842
- Yeah, well, I'll need
the time to process the fact
510
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:44,644
that I was raised by my doorman.
511
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:47,347
- Oh, Scabby the Rat
is deflating.
512
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:49,620
Carlton, what happened?
513
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:51,749
- Oh, guys downtown
worked out a settlement.
514
00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:54,254
We got more overtime pay
and more help.
515
00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:56,457
No summer uniforms,
but I'm okay with that.
516
00:20:56,489 --> 00:20:59,429
- Well, thank you again
for saving me, Carlton.
517
00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:01,989
And I am very sorry
about the whole scab thing.
518
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:04,758
- All is forgiven.
I mean, grudges are like rocks.
519
00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:07,327
The more you hold,
the heavier you get.
520
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:08,767
- That's so true.
521
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,871
- "Joy Manifesto."
522
00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:12,543
Uh, Mrs. Weber,
I'll give you a call
523
00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:14,072
about those head shots
for the union.
524
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:15,206
- Great.
- All right.
525
00:21:15,241 --> 00:21:16,241
Good night, folks.
526
00:21:16,343 --> 00:21:17,943
- Night.
- Yep.
527
00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:19,477
[mutters]
So sick of enlightenment.
528
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:25,084
For more "Odd Mom Out,"
go to bravotv.com.
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