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- Next is a Bravo original comedy.

- Happy Valentine's Day, honey!

- What? What's going on?

We don't do Valentine's day.

- I know. But just open it.

- I love it.

Thank you.

- Now read the card.

- "I love you and I really don't want to end up like this guy."

I don't get it.

With your head on my boobs?

I thought you liked that.

- I meant like a dead man.

We're having dinner at my mother's tonight

to celebrate Brooke and Lex getting back together.

I'm sorry! - At her place?

But she hasn't invited us back there since--

- I know; I was surprised too.

I guess she's forgotten.

- No, she remembers. She's the human iCloud.

She's setting a trap for me. She's planning something.

- Jill, you spilled a little red wine on her couch.

- Her white couch, custom-made in Milan.

And it wasn't exactly a little. It was the flag of Japan.

- Well, she seems to have let it go,

so can you please try to for me?

- Yes, because I love you,

I'm willing to risk my life and go back to your mother's.

- Okay, my mother is a lot of things.

But she's not a murderer. Jill.

- All I know is, the dry cleaner who ruined her Chanel suit

vanished into thin air.

Coincidence? I think not.

- * Hey, yes, you know

* I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine *

- Ooh!

A von Weber Valentine's Day! How romantic.

Maybe you should get everyone lingerie.

See where the night takes you.

- Vaness, this is food. I have to digest it.

- And now we turn our attention back to Yak Polio...

- Ugh. More Yak Polio.

- Claimed another life, this time in the United States.

The virus was first discovered in southeast Asia.

It is thought to originate with yaks themselves.

- Should I be freaking out about that?

- No.

I mean, I wouldn't go to a yak petting zoo,

but you know how the media latches onto this stuff.

Hey, your divorced dude finally called me.

We're going out tonight.

- Bruce? Yay!

I've been waiting four years

for his sucky marriage to crumble

so I could fix you guys up.

- And you're sure he's not gay?

Every Bruce I've ever known is LGBTQQIA.

Sensitivity training.

- He is none of those letters; he's a non-gay Bruce.

- And he's not hung up on his ex?

I'm convinced newly-divorced guys

only date for the free therapy.

- Stop trying to find excuses.

And text me updates.

I'm going to need a distraction

while I'm getting von-tortured at Candace's.

[cell phone vibrating]

- Weird number. Should I get it?

Could be a solicitor! No!

- You love a good phone confrontation.

I've gotta go anyway. Happy VD.

- Hello?

- Am I speaking with Vanessa Wrigley?

- Uh, depends. Who is this?

- I'm calling from the Centers for Disease Control.

You're listed as the emergency contact for Graham Whitman.

He collapsed on the Jetway at JFK.

We need you to come for him immediately.

- I'm his emergency contact?

I mean, I'll be right there.

- [gasps] Look at this!

This is magic.

We're in "The Jetsons."

- I mean, who asks their guests

to scour the city for $500 worth of peonies?

It's like she thinks we're her Oompa Loompas.

- Come on. That was fun.

I've never been to the flower district.

- And you know she's never gonna pay us back.

I haven't been paid one red cent for all the luncheons

I shot for her charities this year.

- Come on, Valentine.

- Like, why do we have to come two hours early?

- You know, she's just nervous. She gets--

- Holy shit!

all: Demand insurance for Yak Polio.

- I forgot the doorman strike. [cell phone ringing]

Everyone was freaking out about it at drop-off.

- Hello, Mother.

- What's that horrible noise?

Are you in a discotheque?

- No, the doormen are on strike.

You may want to rethink this dinner.

- We're New Yorkers, Anderson.

We don't stop living just because of a little strike.

Otherwise, the terrorists win.

- They're doormen, not terrorists,

and I'm assuming there's no elevator service.

- Well, then you're going to have wait for the caterers

to help them bring everything up,

and tell Jill she's gonna be writing the place cards.

- Yours is going to say, "Oedipus."

Bionic ears.

- Be right there.

[monitor beeping]

- V? What are you doing here?

- I couldn't stop thinking about you.

- Really? - No!

I'm here because you haven't updated

your emergency contact for 11 years.

Want to tell me what's going on?

- Dr. Whitman has been working with a mobile clinic

in the Himalayas, and he's been exposed to Yak Polio.

- I have none of the diagnostic signs.

Classic CDC overreaction.

- Even if your supplies were being hauled by yaks,

did you lick one of them?

- Hey, what happens in the Himalayas

stays in the Himalayas.

- Okay, he's fine.

- Sorry, doctors,

but the exposed patient needs to be kept

in isolation for 24 hours.

And no flying for 30 days. Can he stay with you?

I assume you're friends or family?

- Yes, he can stay with me, but no.

We're not friends or family.

He's my ex-husband.

- Oh, my God.

It's like a One-Percenter's apocalypse.

Do I smell... [sniffs]

rotting Camembert?

- [chuckles]

[groans]

Okay, full disclosure:

I do know how to work the elevator.

- You do?

- When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time

riding it with my favorite doorman, Ivan.

He called me "Elevator Andy."

- Oh, good! Then let's do this.

- I don't think we're supposed to work the elevator

during a strike.

- My seizure medication is upstairs.

- Just this one trip.

Honey, if you please, Elevator Andy is here!

- I'm so sick of these whiny doormen.

Let's go. - Jill, are you coming?

- Let's go! Let's go! - Actually, no.

I'm taking the stairs.

This doesn't feel right.

- I don't know, but I've been told...

- Oh, my God. I am dead.

- Jill, no bread!

Take that back down to the van.

They must have messed up my order.

- What?

- Ah, the peonies!

Oh, my God, they're the wrong color.

I specifically said sorbet.

- Well, the guy in the flower district said

that was just "pretentious for pink."

His words, not mine.

- Well, he's wrong. These are wrong.

You're a driver now-- why don't you zip back there

and trade them in for white?

And while you're down there, could you ask the doormen

to keep it down?

- Well, they are chanting because they're angry.

And they feel taken advantage of.

- Oh, here comes Hanoi Jill.

You know, I don't have time for a political debate.

You could have been there and back by now.

- Okay.

[all chanting "scab"]

Carlton, hi.

Did somebody cross the picket line?

- Yeah, your husband.

I heard he took my elevator.

- Oh, right, that's only 'cause he has mommy issues.

all: Scab! Scab! Scab!

- No, no, guys!

I'm with you. I live in a walk-up, okay?

My front door is, like, a collage of UPS post-its.

I know what it feels like to be disrespected

and misunderstood...

Here, have a baguette. Take some bread, please.

She is a gluten-phobe. She doesn't want it.

I think it's sourdough.

[indistinct] They're all yours.

Here, and you know what? Take the peonies.

She doesn't want 'em, 'cause they're not sorbet.

- Thank you.

Would you like a sign?

- Um...

Yes. Yes, I do.

- They buy their food from Dean & DeLuca!

all: Buy their food from Dean & DeLuca!

- Their attitude just makes me puke-a.

all: Their attitude just makes me puke-a.

- Anderson, I'm famished.

Be a dear, would you, and make me a martini.

No olives, no vermouth. - So a shot of gin?

- And I'm out of Xanax.

It should have come in today's mail,

which hasn't arrived, for some reason.

- That's because of the strike, Mother.

Your mail is not gonna get sorted or delivered

until it's over.

- How many people's lives have to be destroyed

for this madness to end?

Be a dear, would you, and fetch it for me?

You know I haven't entertained since...

- Yes, we all know.

And Jill really appreciates you opening your doors to us again.

- Well, she has a funny way of showing it.

What is she, on the Pony Express?

- They drive out to their Hamptons house!

all: They drive out to their Hamptons house!

- But treat me like a freakin' louse.

all: But treat me like a freakin' louse.

- Okay, guys, one more time!

I don't think they can hear us in the penthouse!

- Von Weber Xanax, you have to be here somewhere...

von Patrick...

von Essen...

- On their asses!

For these Marie Antoinettes,

this is nothing, your pay raise!

- Jill? - Revolution!

Fight, fight, fight!

- Anderson, what is taking so long?

I need my Xanax.

- Mother, how did you get down here?

- The stairs.

I'm doing Barry's Boot Camp four times a week.

Ooh, Express Scripts! I'd know that package anywhere!

- No, that is Mrs. von Hewson's Vicodin.

She's already called down about it.

And this is Mrs. von Trier's Percocet.

I have a system.

- Why don't I just deliver these on my way back up?

[pills rattling]

Takes a village, right?

- Mother, it's a felony to tamper with U.S. mail!

- Welcome to your isolation chamber.

Can I get you anything?

Some water?

- Uh, no, thanks.

- Oh my God,

please don't make me feel guilty

for having running water again.

- People in Burundi would kill for that stuff.

You know what's going on over there, right?

- Yes, Graham, we all know what's going on over there.

It's awful.

So I'm going to go shower,

and it's gonna take longer than 90 seconds.

Do you think you can handle that?

- Let's find out.

- So, help yourself to soy sauce packets

and anything else in the fridge.

I'm gonna go get ready for my date.

- Oh, you have a... tonight?

- Yes.

Why, is it medically irresponsible

for me to leave you alone here?

- No, I don't have Yak Polio, V.

I might have a few hundred parasites, but that's it.

- I am not checking you for pinworms again.

Fool me once...

- Just go on your date-- I know how to self-check now

with a hand mirror and an iPhone.

It's called the Burundi-up-and-undi.

- Bye.

- Come on, guys, a little more pep.

We're getting soggy here. Okay, listen up!

Their highlights cost more than my rent.

- Excuse-o me-o!

Pear-don-o.

"Mi siento." Grazie.

- Jill. What are you doing?

- Fighting injustice. [megaphone feeds back]

- Jilly-Beans, if you'd come upstairs with us,

I can tell you what I learned

about compassionate capitalism at Electric Forest.

This is an outdated model for conflict resolution.

- So we're supposed to do nothing

while people's rights are being violated?

- Do what you want,

but Candace's caterers have been slaving

over a hot stove for this dinner.

Let's go, Lex.

- But I just really want Jill to be there.

Don't be long, Jill. - What's the big deal?

You've been acting weird all day.

Did you take your bee pollen? Come on.

- So Jill...

- Hi. - Hi.

We appreciate all that you're doing here.

- Well, I completely support you.

I'm a freelance photographer, and you'd be amazed

how many people never pay me.

All right, guys, how 'bout a little Bob Marley?

"Get up, stand up!" Or Les Mis!

"Do you hear the people sing?"

- Some of the guys are asking for a little break

from all the chanting, but how would you feel

about doing a coffee run?

- Oh, okay, I mean...

Sure. Whatever you need.

- Great.

So two grande skinny lattes,

one mega Earl Grey, one half-caf red spice mocha.

- Okay, I'm gonna need a pen.

[cell phone ringing musically]

- You will not believe my day.

- Me first: what is happening in Burundi?

- Uh...

I don't know. Civil war?

Drought? Floods? Why?

- Graham is here!

- Graham... Graham-Graham?

Oh, my God. You cannot see him.

- Well, that's impossible. He's in my apartment.

- What? Why?

- Long story, but it's only for a few days.

Like, no more than 30. - No!

You're meeting non-gay Bruce

and I don't want Graham to ruin it.

How does he look? Is he still scorchingly hot?

- He's aged annoyingly well.

But don't worry, my date is still on.

- Okay, good.

Because Graham had his chance with you and he blew it.

Big time--so keep you eyes on the non-gay prize

and don't let Graham suck you back in.

Oh, and tell him I say hi.

- All right, ma'am, sir! If you will.

Tell Mom I'll be right there.

Just gotta park this thing, pick up Norma Rae,

and be right back up.

[thud]

Shit.

Lex? Brooke?

[elevator clanks ominously]

Guys?

[cell phone rings musically]

- Andy, I know this is hard,

but I really need you to understand

why I need to stay down here.

- The walls are closing in, Jill...

[cries] - Hello? Where are you?

- I need air. Can't...breathe.

- Yes, that's exactly how I feel every time I'm at your mother's.

- [breaking up] I'm not...the apartment.

I'm stuck

in the...

- You're stuck where?

- Oh! Oh, God.

- Hello?

- Andy, we're coming for you. It's all gonna be okay.

- Oh, my God... Oh, my God.

- Guys, I'm breaking the strike right now,

so you better make it worth my while.

- Do you have anything? - Um, I have about eight bucks.

And some dinosaur gummies. - What?

- Oh, my God. - Um, what about photography?

I do weddings, baptisms, any bar mitzvahs coming up?

- Hey, you know what, the union's overhauling the website.

Will you shoot our headshots and waive the fee?

- Done. Seems to be my specialty.

- Okay, Andy, listen up. - Yeah!

- These things become death machines

if you don't know how to use 'em right.

- Oh, no! I'm gonna die in here!

- No, you're not! You're Elevator Andy!

He can do this!

- He is a complex superhero.

He has issues.

- Just shut up

and jimmy the lever left, and then right,

and then give it two bangs.

Can you do that?

- I don't know.

- Yes, you can. I believe in you.

- Okay.

[mutters indistinctly]

[dramatic music]

*

- [in a low voice] I think the couple behind us

is gonna be divorced by St. Patty's day.

- [chuckles]

- And how's my hottest couple doing?

Have you decided on your dirty desserts yet?

It is Valentine's Day.

- I'll have the "Jamaican Me Horny."

Can I get that with extra rum, please?

- And I will have one "Chocogasm"

with special sauce, please.

Is everything okay? [cell phone vibrates]

- Actually, sorry, do you mind if I take this?

You were supposed to text.

You okay?

You sure? No temperature?

Good. But don't call again.

No, I have no idea if "Jurassic World" is a good movie.

Get some sleep.

- Jill didn't say that you had kids.

- Kids? Ha, no.

No, that was my ex-husband.

- Ah.

She also didn't mention that you were divorced.

- Oh, trust me, I forget half the time.

We were married for ten minutes eons ago.

I mean, we're talking dial-up modem age.

Most of my friends don't even know he exists.

So tell me about your ex?

- [chuckles]

- [whispers] Okay.

- Yes, I survived,

but I also had a lot of time to think in there,

and you still haven't answered me:

Did you make Ivan babysit me on YaYa's days off?

Is that why I spent so much time in the elevator?

- He didn't mind. It was part of his job.

- Okay, did you deliver any of those pills to your neighbors?

- Oh, baby, baby...

honey, come on, now.

Just relax.

It's so good to have all my chickens home to roost.

- Cocktail, please?

- So damned good... - Gazpacho is served.

[glass clinks] Excuse me.

As the great philosopher Eckhart Tolle once said,

"You can lose something that you have,

but you can't lose something that you are."

- Okay...

- Brooke, I've realized something.

I...

am you, Brooke.

You are the best me

that I am.

And I want to ask you, on this beloved holiday,

in front of all of the people who love me most,

for your hand

in re-marriage.

Brooke von Weber,

will you be my re-bride?

- What?

So that's why you've been acting so weird.

Yes!

The answer is yes!

On one condition.

And I think you know what that is.

- This?

Babe, no, because this is a symbol

of everything that we've been through.

It's a symbol of my emotional vulnerability,

my openness. I--

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

- [sighs]

- I can't believe it!

We're getting married!

- Again.

[glass clinks]

[indistinct chatter on television]

- Hey!

I want you to know I skipped "Jurassic World"

so that we could watch it together tomorrow.

Or whenever you're not out painting the town red.

- Yeah. Listen.

- Uh-oh. Bad date?

- No, it was fine, but you can't stay here after tomorrow.

- Really? Why?

- Come on. We did not end well.

- Yeah. I still feel bad.

- No, I feel bad. - Why would you feel bad?

- Maybe just embarrassed.

I was like, "It's me or Zimbabwe."

What was that trip, like, a month?

- Well, yeah, but I could have stayed longer,

to work things out.

- Can't we just blame our 20s and call it even?

- Sure.

But I'm kinda bummed.

It's good to see you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Oh, my God. That didn't happen.

Control+Z. Good night.

- No, no. I just felt weird.

But I'm fine. Come back.

- Are you sure?

*

- Well, the good news is, we won't be having dinner

at your mother's apartment any time soon.

- Yeah, well, I'll need the time to process the fact

that I was raised by my doorman.

- Oh, Scabby the Rat is deflating.

Carlton, what happened?

- Oh, guys downtown worked out a settlement.

We got more overtime pay and more help.

No summer uniforms, but I'm okay with that.

- Well, thank you again for saving me, Carlton.

And I am very sorry about the whole scab thing.

- All is forgiven. I mean, grudges are like rocks.

The more you hold, the heavier you get.

- That's so true.

- "Joy Manifesto."

Uh, Mrs. Weber, I'll give you a call

about those head shots for the union.

- Great. - All right.

Good night, folks.

- Night. - Yep.

[mutters] So sick of enlightenment.

For more "Odd Mom Out," go to bravotv.com.