All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S02E06_English

- Next is a Bravo original
comedy.

[pig grunting]

- Andy.

Not in the mood.

Stop--

[whimpers]

[groans]

[toy playing music]

- Hey, Mom!

- I'm hungry.
- Where's Daddy?

Andy? Andy?

Hey. Wake up.

- Wh--what happened?

- I have no idea.

[rock music]

- * Hey, yes, you know

* I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine *

- We--we must have been robbed.

- This isn't ours.

- We must have robbed
someone else.

- I feel like a rat is gnawing
its way out of my skull.

[groans]
How much did we drink?

- Like Keith Richards threw
Hemingway a bachelor party.

- Just the two of us?

It's a miracle we're alive.

- Our friends helped.

- What friends?

[doorbell rings]

- I'll tidy up.

- Go Jill. Go Jill.

Go, go, go Jill.

[laughing]

How are you feeling
this morning?

- Uh...not good.

- God, you and Andy are legends.

I mean, you guys were still
going hard when we crashed.

- Right.
When was that?

- Uh, 4:00 a.m.

Right around the time
you guys started

crank-calling the White House.

It was off the chain.

Can I just tell you something?

Talking with you last night
was like medicine.

I have girlfriends of 20 years
I don't connect with like that.

Do you think that we could keep
some of that stuff between us?

You know, in particular,

the story I told you about me
and my IUD at the Met.

So embarrassing.

- That won't be a problem.
- Great.

Our brunch date
is about to commence,

so I will see you over
at our apartment--

4-G, in case you forgot.

- [sighs]

- Good morning, Boo.

- Too ethnic.

- Pumpkin?

- Too round.

- Brookie Bear.

- [giggles]
That's more like it.

Oh, I missed this.

- Me too.

Listen, Brookie Bear,

about what happened,
I just want to say--

- Shh.
Let's not pick that scab.

- What did I do to deserve you?

- Wait!

We haven't made it official yet.

- Uh, I seem to remember
making it official

2 1/2 times last night.

- No, official-official.

[camera clicks]

God, we're good-looking.

Let's see...
#SoHappy.

#NeverMoreInLove.

- #PowerCouple.
#LoveConquersAll.

- #WereBackBitches.

Post.

Oh, no.

Lex, the Wi-Fi must be down.

- Cell service too.

Don't move.

Hello, front desk?

Can you tell me what's going on

with the Wi-Fi
and cell phone service?

We need to send an
extremely important Instagram.

Down throughout the building?

Dear God.

We're completely cut off
from the outside world.

- Carlton!
Carlton, who's that?

- Oh, that was Mrs. Crisp.
12-C.

- Oh, yes.

The Lord finally put her
out of her long misery.

- Yes, and us out of ours.

- Go on.

- Oh, nothing, ma'am.
It's just...

when your husband's the guy
who invented non-dairy creamer,

seems like at Christmas,
you can afford to tip

more than
a $20 Best Buy gift card.

- Oh, yes.
Yes, her husband.

Oh, that poor man must
be devastated right now.

Yes.

- Who was that woman,

and why are we going
to her house for brunch?

- She definitely lives
in the building.

I think she's married
to that super tall, bald guy.

- The guy who looks like the
animatronic Halloween butler?

No, no--he's married

to the freckly lady
with the red braids.

Old Pippi Longstocking.

- I thought
old Pippi was a widow.

Used to be married
to Asian Al Roker.

- Wait, he died?
Oh, no!

I loved Asian Al Roker.
- Meredith.

Her name is Meredith.
She's married to Brad.

- The kids weren't drunk.

- Okay, kids, this is important.

For reasons that you are
too young to understand,

your mom and I can't remember

some things that happened
last night.

- You were wasted?
- Okay.

Where did you learn
that word?

- Mom kept saying it
over and over.

"I'm so wasted.
I'm so wasted."

- As in I'm so tired.

Like, more tired than you guys
have ever been.

- Which is why we need you
to tell us

everything that happened
last night.

- I brushed my teeth
for two minutes

and didn't swallow
any toothpaste.

- That's great, Miles,
but that's not what we mean.

- Can I go to a new camp
next summer?

- Kids! Focus!
Last night!

- You ran out of wine,
and you went to get more,

and when you came back,
we had new best friends.

- God, I needed this.

No offense to that therapist,

but she ain't got nothin'
on Dr. Cabernet.

- So what if Miles
is a little pain in the ass?

What kid isn't?

If he were a little cuter,
they'd call him precocious.

- Totally.

I was beginning to feel like
we were a family of nutjobs.

Hey, let's make a pact--
at least for tonight,

we forget all about it.

- Deal.

[sighs]

Voila.

- Boo.

Open another.
- That's our last bottle.

- What?
Oh, no, no.

We're not going through
a blizzard with no wine.

We've gotta get some; there's
gotta be some in the building.

I'm going door to door.

- We are profoundly bad parents.

- Can Alice and Fanny sleep over
again tonight?

- Who the hell
are Alice and Fanny?

[phone ringing]
The landline.

Hello?

- Hey, me again.

Also, could you guys bring
some maple syrup?

Fanny says we're out,
and believe me, she'd know.

She drinks it.
All right, thanks.

- Guys, I think

- Whoo!
- There they go.

- So, I mean,
would I ever do that?

- Never.
- Right.

It's like that thing you said
about elephant seals.

- Mm.
- That was so great.

- Oh! Vermont!

How fitting!

- We thought
you'd appreciate that.

- Vermont. What a state.
- Isn't it amazing?

All of us living
in the same building for so long

and we never met?
- It actually seems impossible.

- It's a shame.
- Incredible.

- And to think that you and I
were both going through

those miscarriages
at the same time.

We could have gone through that
together.

- Right.

Do you guys smell something?

There's--agh!
Fire!

- Get the zapper.
- I'm on it.

- [shrieking]

[whooshing]

Holy shit.
- Owen.

Owen.
- Owen!

- Come out from there.

[whooshing]

- Hand 'em over.

Now apologize to Jill.

- I'm sorry I lit you on fire.

- That's...okay.

- Go play.

I'm so sorry.

He only does that
to people he likes,

for what it's worth.

I'm mortified.

- Hey, every kid's
got something.

- Totally--we've had endless
trouble with Miles this year.

- We know.

That therapist
you were telling us about

sounds terrible.

- Yeah, don't take this
the wrong way,

but Mere and I were just saying
what a relief it was

to hear we weren't
the only ones.

Sometimes, we feel like we're
a family of crazies, you know?

- Yes.
- You are not crazy.

And by the way,
a six-year-old lighting matches?

Talk about fine motor skills.

- One way to look at it.
[laughing]

- Can I just say,
these waffles are ridic.

So good.
- Thank you.

It's my mom's recipe.

The secret ingredient is
I opened a box of Bisquick.

[laughter]

- Andy, we found people
who actually chow

right in our building!
- Yeah!

- Can we get together every
weekend and eat our feelings?

- Yeah!
- Yes, I'm so in!

I love eating my feelings.

- Mrs. Von Weber,
What a lovely surprise.

- Oh, Timberly,
you poor dear.

It's just awful.
I can't believe she's gone.

- Were you and Eloise close?

- No, not at all.

But I do know what it's like

to be suddenly all alone
in a triplex.

Might you care for some company?

Some...companionship?

- I must be the luckiest widower
in the world.

- Thelma!
Phoebe.

- Come, join the party.

[ice cubes rattling]

- Room service, please.

For the lady, a Pellegrino
with a wedge of Meyer lemon.

- You remembered.
- And for me--

I'm sorry, what?

I see.
Bye, then.

- What happened?

- The snow--none of the workers
can get in.

[scoffs]
I thought they lived here.

Room service is unavailable,
but we are--get this--

welcome to come get it
ourselves.

- What does that even mean?
- I don't know.

Take the elevator
and push the big cart?

- This storm is turning into
a living nightmare.

[sighs]

Nothing but simple carbs.

I'd rather starve than get fat.
- Calm down!

Shit's getting real,
but we'll get through this.

- Don't tell me to calm down!

I am never gonna get
my Meyer lemon water.

- I'll figure something out,
Brooke.

Have I ever let you down?

- [scoffs]
I can think of one time.

- Okay, I thought were were
letting go of the past

and taking ownership
of what happened.

- Oh, so it was my fault!
- That's not what I said.

But it didn't happen
in a vacuum.

Don't do something
you're gonna regret.

Brooke--

This isn't you, Brooke.

- [shuddery breath]

- Yeah, I mean, every morning,
at least one of them is in tears

because Daddy's taking them
to school and not me.

It's a stake
through Andy's heart.

- I know, it's the same
for Brad, and I just tell him,

"Don't worry, it's a phase."
- Exactly.

But just once,
I'd like one of them to say,

"I want Daddy to wipe me."

- I know,
you know, but...

I secretly love
being the favorite.

When Fanny was three,
she was such a daddy's girl--

it was like they were lovers.

And I admit it--
I was jealous.

So I turned her against him.

- Sorry--
how?

- Little things at first,

like have him take her
to get her shots

and accidentally tell him
the wrong pick-up time,

and then I finally just said,

"Listen, honey,
Daddy loves Owen more."

It took about a year.

- It's been rough, honestly.

At work, all you have
is one person to worry about.

At home, I'm fourth or fifth
on the list.

- So true;
it's no fun

being out of work,
even for a couple months.

- Well, I'm technically not
out of work.

- Brad, honey, it's not
a couple months, it's 6 1/2.

- Thank you for keeping
such close track, dear.

Here's a wild idea:
why don't you go back to work?

She used to be a copy editor,
back in the day.

- I was, but I made
the selfish choice

of staying home to raise
our children, so my bad!

Forgive me!

At least I get out of my
sweatpants

more than once a week.

This is, like,

the most dressed-up
you will ever see him.

- Yeah, well, I don't know
who she's dressing up for.

- Not you--I get more sexual
energy off the fruit vendor.

- Well, good--why don't you
let him hunker down

with your eight hours
of night gas, then?

- I just have a question
about that garlic spray.

Is that something you cook with?

- Oh. No.
- No. No, no, no.

This is something you spray
on your kid's scalps.

It's supposed to prevent lice.
I think it's bullshit.

- Yeah, well, so is lice.

I mean, people act like it is
just the most devastating

apocalypse on the planet.

I had a girlfriend who spent
thousands of dollars

de-lousing her kids,
fumigating her house,

throwing out the brushes and
the hats and the blabbity-blah--

It's like, who cares?
It's lice!

- [laughs]

- But your kids don't have lice
now, right?

- No, they did--
well--

Fanny has eggs in her scalp.

She got sent home from school
with, like, a neon-green note,

like she was radioactive.

- So what'd you--
what'd you do about it?

- Oh, you know, these things
work themselves out.

Lice aren't killing people.
- He's exaggerating.

We bought the shampoo
and we're gonna use it.

We just haven't had a minute.

- Okay, um, look at the time!

We have totally overstayed
our welcome.

Kids!
- Kids!

- Kids! Thank you so much.
- What about our bloody marys?

- Take that off.
Take those off.

[all shouting]
- Say thank you!

Thank you for having us.
- Okay.

- We'll be in touch with you
about the house!

- House?

- Okay, here we go.

"If you've come into contact
with contaminated hair"--

Okay, kids, I want you
to take off all your clothes

and chuck them in the dryer now!

- Here it is.
The booking confirmation.

Winter cottage rental
in Burlington, Vermont.

- Vermont!
That's why the syrup!

- What have we done?
We just met these people,

and we agreed to
a three-month house-share?

- And she was wearing my socks.

What if I have body lice?

We have to break up
with them.

- How?
They live in the building.

- We'll move.
- What?

- Sell the apartment
and move far, far away.

It's the only way out of this!

- What if we tell them
we just found out

your mother is coming to visit
and we can't leave her alone?

- That's so dumb,
it's insulting.

- We have to do something!
We hooked up with nutjobs!

- I've done a lot of growing,
you know.

- Me too.
I've grown a ton.

- I've changed.

- I think I've changed more.

I'm a completely different
person.

- Okay, fine.
We've both evolved equally.

So what do we do about it?

- In my now-extensive
business experience,

I've found
it's beneficial

to set expectations
in advance in writing.

- You want to draw up
a contract?

- No.
A vision board.

Let's put it all up here.

All our hopes, dreams,

prospective vacation
destinations.

- Should you be drawing
on the wall in Sharpie?

- I'll start.

My fondest wish
for this relationship

is that you never betray
my trust.

Or what remains of it.

- This is what
I'm talking about.

If we're going to have
a future together,

you have to find a way
to forgive me.

- I have forgiven you.

And now all I ask is the right
to lord it over you

for the rest of your life.

- I can't do this.

- Where are you going?

- For a walk in the snow.

It's gotta be warmer out there.

- [exhales angrily]

- Jesus, it's the Superdome
in here.

- Hey, Vaness,
we need your advice.

We had a one-night stand
with this family

and we need to cut it off.

- What?
- You've dumped tons of guys.

What do we do?

- Okay, has there been
any contact since?

- Yes, and we traded clothes,

and we're doing a house-share
with them.

- [laughs]
Wow! You guys are easy.

How 'bout you say you're not
ready for anything serious,

you'd rather stay friends.

- No, we need to kill this dead.

I never want
to see these people again.

- And one more.

To our dear friend, Timberly.

- Really, Candace, haven't you
quite had enough?

- If you can't keep up,

grab a couch like the other one,
sister.

- What a treat this has been,

in the company
of such elegant beauties.

- Yes, though it is funny.

Where I come from, we don't put
on our big jewelry until 8:00.

- Oh, darling, whoever said
this was my big jewelry?

Bottom's up.

[glass shatters]

And then there was Candace.

[doorbell rings]

- Hey!
- Hey! Hi!

Us again.
Um...so listen.

Jill and I have been talking
about the Vermont house

and so want to do it,
but the truth is--

is my back and skiing
do not mix.

We're talking traction.
- No worries!

That's why we sprung
for the house with the hot tub.

- Well, also the traffic.

You know, Vermont sounds fun
in theory,

but after five hours
on the road...

- Don't worry,
JetBlue just added

service to Burlington
for 90 bucks.

You can't beat it.
- It'll be cramped.

- Six bedrooms.
- What if there's no snow?

- Then we'll hike!
- Here's the thing, okay?

We moved too fast;
we live too close.

We're afraid
this won't end well.

- It's nothing personal.

- But lice is disguitious!

We've had it, it sucks,
but it's not a pulled muscle

that just works itself out.

You have to deal with it!

- Oh.
- Wow.

- We just thought you guys
were cooler about things.

- Ding! Ding!

Oh, excuse me.
I just received an email.

Oh, it's my mother.
She's visiting this winter.

We can't go to Vermont anyway,
so...

- Oh, yeah, too bad.
I guess it's not gonna work out.

We'll see you around, yeah?

[door opens]

- Who is it?

I've got the activity binder,
and I know how to use it!

Lex.

Thank God you're alive.

What is that?
Some kind of non-Meyer lemon?

- I think they call it
a...lemon.

- [chuckles]

You came through for me.

That's all that matters.

Everything else,
we can work through or ignore.

- Wait, wait.
Has there been a maid in here?

- No, I did it.
All by myself.

See how much I've changed?

- Come here, you.

- Did you hear that?

- What?
- A noise downstairs.

- [laughs]
- I'll suss it out.

- Oh, yes.

Yes, you go suss it out.

[laughing]

Yeah, you suss out--
[gasps]

[moaning and panting]

- [snoring]
- Timberly?

Timberly?

Oh, Jesus, God.

Oh...

Yeah, okay.

Oh, that's...
mm-hmm, that's just fine.

[exhales]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby.

Oh, you just keep snoring,
honey.

Just keep snoring away.

[gasps]
Ooh, good boy.

- I think we've learned
a valuable lesson.

- Don't talk to neighbors.

- I am never drinking again.

- Never.

Want some wine?

- Little bit.

- So babe, I've been thinking,

it may not be the worst thing
in the world if you...

- I went back to work early?

I already emailed the board.

[both giggle]

- We miss you already.

[doorbell rings]

- [sighs]
What do you want, Jill?

- Hi, sorry to bother you.

I just wanted
to return your pig.

[pig grunts]

- Yeah, but that's not our pig.

- For more "Odd Mom Out,"
go to bravotv.com.

[seagull squawking]
- Oh, dear.

- Left, right,
left, right, left, right!