Original subtitles

male announcer: Next is a Bravo original comedy.

- New Yorkers should be bracing for the season's first--

and worst-- Nor'easter.

I'm talking "Snowtastrophe."

- Okay, I am so sorry this keeps happening.

I'll be right up.

Thank you so much.

Miles snuck out again. He's in 4B.

- This is getting out of hand.

- He was so angry I wouldn't give him two desserts.

Oh, and he's in his snowsuit.

What're we supposed to do, booby-trap the front door?

- No, we just have to know that when it's quiet out there,

there's a problem.

- It was so peaceful.

I was so happy there for a few minutes.

- You want me to go?

- No, I'll go.

I'll bring them another bottle of Pinot.

- I thought they like Riesling?

- No, that's 4F.

[energetic punk music]

- * Hey, yes, you know

* I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine *

- Yes, well, as you know,

the school reached out to me about Miles,

and I've been observing him for the past few weeks.

Now, what I've seen is a very bright, energetic child--

- Thanks. - We think so.

- With passionate likes and dislikes.

Now, based on my analysis,

Miles checks every box for O.D.D.

- A.D.D.?

Wait, I thought it was called ADHD now.

I can't keep up with all the labels.

- No, it's not A.D.D.

It's O.D.D.: oppositional defiance disorder.

Here's a list of the symptoms.

- "Defiant, argumentative, doesn't take no for an answer,

easily annoyed"...

yep-- Miles, he's got O.D.D.

- O.D.D.?

Isn't that just K.I.D?

When did childhood suddenly become a disorder?

- That is very funny!

K.I.D. I'm gonna have to remember that.

But no, I'm afraid what I've witnessed

exceeds what's typical for his age group.

- But he's a boy, and he's strong-willed.

- He tried to chop off Hazel's ponytail yesterday.

- Well, it's hair. It'll grow back.

- Do you see what I'm up against?

- Right, let's talk about you two.

How have things been going lately?

- Not great. - Fine.

What? Why not great?

- Well, you've been around a lot more than you used to be,

and you have a lot of opinions

about the kids, the house, everything.

- It sounds like a big adjustment.

- Yeah, well, Jill has always coddled Miles,

so perhaps she is in denial about what's really going on.

- Okay, if you're willing,

I'd love to set up some more sessions in the coming weeks.

- I think that's a great idea.

- Wait, but this is to discuss Miles, right?

- Mm, yes.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- And then, when I decide it's time, and Lex moves back in,

I'll tell him we're changing this cheesy man cave

and turning it into a humidity-controlled

art storage unit.

- I'm already picturing Degas and Klimt over here,

cozying up to your Damien Hirst collection.

- Oh!

- It'll be like a mini Barnes Foundation.

- I love that.

- Morning!

- Oh, hi, Patty.

I didn't know you were stopping by.

Did Lex send more motorized sleds for the kids?

- Oh, no, Mr. von Weber told me

to come by and pick up some of his personal effects.

- Excuse me?

- He needs some more of his things.

- Yeah, I'm not a moron. What things?

- Just a few necessities.

The rest of his cuff links, his cigar collection,

his massage chair, all his John Lobb shoes,

the portrait of himself as a centaur,

and his pillow.

- Oh. Okay.

- Gentlemen, start with this. Thank you.

Yeah, just, careful, please, with the left corner.

Careful! Careful, please.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- "You and Your Spirited Child."

"The Defiant Soul."

"You Can Say No to Your Child."

There's about ten books on O.D.D. here.

- Miles has chutzpah, okay?

I'd rather have that than some mute nose-picker

wallflower any day.

- These books are never gonna get here with this storm coming.

They say all the airports are gonna shut down.

- Andy, every year, they predict "Snowmageddon,"

and everyone's shitting ice cubes,

and then, it's like, there's one less barista

at the coffee bar.

- What are you doing?

- Straightening up?

- No, that's their responsibility.

That's what the chore wheel is all about.

Who messed up the chore wheel?

Kids, come in here, please, and pick up your shoes.

It's like Mount St. Helen of footwear here.

Kids!

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- Hi, I might have to go soon.

Andy's on the warpath about the chore wheel.

- I am so glad I'm not married.

- Seriously.

I never realized how much intensity

he brought to his job, and now we're his job.

Sorry to vent. What're you up to?

- Just trying to figure out what to binge-watch next.

Do you think Netflix has "Rhoda"?

- Hello? "Game of Thrones"?

- Yeah, I know I should...

and I totally will.

I'm just not in the mood, you know?

- No, I don't know.

How can you not be in the mood for something you've never seen?

- I'm just not in the mood for sci-fi.

- For the hundredth time, it's not sci-fi.

- There are dragons.

- But you know me.

I hate wizards, I hate magic,

I hate flying things, I hate capes,

I hate quests, I hate spells,

I hate animals that don't exist,

and I worship at the altar of this goddamn show!

- Maybe, I'll see how I feel after dinner.

- Ow, Miles-- now, that hurt.

Okay, Jill? A little help here?

- I got to go, my dragons are on the loose.

- Okay. [kisses]

[upbeat instrumental music]

*

- Get my husband on the line.

- Right away.

[phone ringing]

- Hercules Capital, Mr. von Weber's office.

- Hi, Patty, it's Nikki from Mrs. von Weber's office,

calling for Mr. von Weber.

- Uh, hi, Nikki, let me see if he's available.

I'm afraid he is unavailable at the moment.

Is there a message I can take?

- A message? One moment, please.

- [whispering] Set up a meeting, in person.

ASAP.

- Actually, Mrs. von Weber would like to set a meeting.

Is he free for lunch today?

- Lunch?

No, I'm afraid he's booked.

- Then breakfast, tomorrow.

- How's breakfast tomorrow?

- I'm afraid that's impossible.

- Coffee? Drinks?

- Coffee? Drinks?

- [mouthing words]

- He's quite busy all week.

- This is an urgent matter.

Surely, you can find an opening.

- Tough!

I've been groveling for months.

She's not getting a meal.

- I'm so sorry.

All his mealtimes are fully committed.

- Patty, this is Mrs. von Weber.

If Lex has any interest in seeing his children again,

it would behoove him to find time to see me.

- 20 minutes in the Sprinter.

- He can offer you road time in his mobile office,

tomorrow between appointments.

3:30 to 3:50. It's the best I can do.

- That's perfect, because I'm swamped as well.

Send Nikki the details.

- Can you check and see if my mindfulness coach

can come in today?

Any time.

I'm gonna need a tune-up to prepare for this.

[upbeat instrumental music]

["Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" playing]

- Oh, yeah. Keep it coming.

I need a Pinot IV drip.

You might think House of Pain is a '90s hip-hop band,

but it's actually our apartment right now.

- So are we ready to order?

Sure, do you want to just get your pad or whatever?

- Nope, ready when you are.

- Kay, 'cause I have a lot of, like,

substitutions and exclusions and sides and stuff,

if you'd rather write it down.

- Not necessary. I'm pretty good at this.

- Babe, could you have a little faith?

- It's hard. I've been burned.

Remember Talde? "Cilantropalooza"?

- Really, it's okay.

I'm in a theater company, so I'm trained to memorize

pages and pages of dialogue.

Trust me.

[TV theme music]

- He is never gonna remember every single detail.

What's he trying to prove?

Nothing bugs me more.

- Mm.

- What?

- It's just-- O.D.D. Symptom Number Five.

"Is easily annoyed."

- That's not true.

- Oh, come on, hon, you get annoyed more than anyone I know.

More than Miles, actually.

- No, I don't!

- Oh...people who hold their mugs from the non-handle side.

People that say, "Can I pick your brain?"

The fact that there aren't any men

in laundry detergent commercials.

- What are you saying? I have O.D.D.?

- All the books say it's hereditary.

- Whoa, I have completely normal levels of annoyance.

You just happen to have below-normal levels.

There's probably a condition for that too.

- Yes, and I think it's called,

"Let's just try and relax and have a nice night."

- Fine by me.

[normal crunching]

[crunching amplifying and echoing]

Do you think I'm easily annoyed?

- You do have an impressive list of grievances.

High boots with open toes.

"Going dutch."

People who say their baby is "23 months old."

- Well, that annoys everybody, and if I hear one more person

say the "Snowpocalypse" is coming...

- It better be.

I'm two seasons into "Friday Night Lights,"

and it's as good as everyone says.

What?

- Nothing.

- Come on, what? What just happened?

- It's just...

I have some resentment that's been building up,

and I want to come clean.

I don't want to keep it inside anymore.

- Oh, my God. What is it?

- It really bothers me that you won't watch "Game of Thrones."

- Are you serious?

That's your big, festering emotional boil?

- Yes. Yes, it is.

Why is that funny?

- Because-- honey, it's a TV show.

- It is not just a TV show,

and the fact that you refuse to watch it

is driving a wedge between us.

When have I not tried something you loved?

Persimmons.

"Words With Friends."

Those endless Ferrante novels.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

I hereby vow to watch "Game of Thrones."

For real this time, okay?

- Okay.

Full disclosure:

there's a lot of gratuitous doggy-style sex in the pilot

and second episode, but then it, like, peters out.

[upbeat instrumental music]

*

- On that last item.

No, Chaz, can you let me finish here?

- Bob, I need Tokyo on line two in ten.

Patty, I need to cancel my boxing session at Punch.

Brooke, have a seat.

- Because the return this month

is a million... - Uh--

I thought it was time we talked.

- Go for it.

- Well, I've been thinking, I've taken time to heal

from what you put me and our family through,

and I'm ready to start the process of taking you back.

- [sighs]

Listen, Brooke, I've had a lot of time to think too.

At Burning Man, we all wrote down our regrets

with quills on scraps of parchment

and put them in a house made of twigs and set it on fire.

- And?

- And I've been eating shit sandwiches for months now,

lying prostate at your feet, and what I've realized is--

- It's "prostrate."

- Whatever. [clears throat]

You haven't made me feel loved or cared for in a long time,

even before all of this.

Now, did I screw up?

Yes, royally.

But we both contributed to the problems in this marriage,

and I need to live my truth.

- Are you transgender, Lex?

- No.

I just want a little affection from my wife.

- I show you affection!

I let you rub my feet at night.

I have Crystal pick up those Sour Patch candies you like,

and I buy you a new set of cuff links for every anniversary.

- That's not what I need. You don't get it.

- Get what? - Exactly!

You don't even get what you don't get.

I was really hoping this would go another way, Brooke.

I, um--This is my next meeting right up here on the right.

- All right, let me punt that right back.

- Ernie Krevitt, my man! - Ernie!

- This guy has been killing it for us this year.

- Brooke, hey.

Lex, I got more good news.

Oops. Oh, pardon me.

I called this guy, and it was like, you know,

my long-lost friend. - Bye, Brooke.

- Oh, honey!

Don't worry, it gets better.

- Oh, hi.

- The beginning is hell.

The only way to survive it

is with friends who've been through it.

- And get a killer divorce lawyer.

It's all about Eleanor Alter.

She's a barracuda in a Chanel suit.

[clicks tongue]

- Okay.

- You girls thinking what I'm thinking?

all: Girls' trip!

- Oh, my God, you have to come with us to Art Basel in Miami.

Tequila luges with Kesha and Pitbull,

foam parties where you dance waist-high in suds, and boys.

Boys, boys, boys, boys. Everywhere!

- I'll fire up Air Goldberg.

Let's get the eff out of here

before this place turns into the North Pole.

- That sounds fun, actually.

- Done! I will book Nobu, Yardbird, Soho House--

South Beach, here we come!

- Okay!

all: Yay!

- Oh, you're gonna love it.

- So, how are things going?

- Not so good. - Sucky.

- Okay, one at a time.

Jill, why don't we start with you?

- Well, I feel like Andy's blaming me for Miles' O.D.D.

He's always pointing the finger--

- Ah, ah, ah.

Before we go any further,

I'd like to put some tools in your toolkit.

- We're not the handiest couple,

and Jill never seems to want to admit--

- Right there.

When you start a sentence with "you always" or "you never,"

it boxes the other person in.

Instead, try beginning with,

"When you blank, it makes me feel blank."

- I thought we were here to talk about Miles.

- The best thing you can do for your son

is to work on connecting with each other.

- That makes a lot of sense.

[upbeat instrumental music]

*

- Hi, Brooke.

- Hi.

- What's wrong? Are you okay?

- Come here.

You've dealt with a lot of rejection in your life.

Well, Lex just kicked me to the curb, literally.

I don't know what's come over him.

but I think it's connected to the man bun.

- You got to get out of the gray area.

Either file for divorce or let him come back home.

- I don't know if I can.

If Andy cheated on you, would you forgive him?

- I'd take a scythe

and lop off his head with one clean blow

and shit down his windpipe.

- So...no.

I am the mother of the "shedonist" movement.

I have a daughter.

What kind of message would it send her if I took him back?

- You have two daughters, actually.

- Right. Langley.

Thank you. You're so wise.

It's weird, I don't think of you that way,

even though you're so much older.

- Thanks.

[upbeat instrumental music]

*

[TV theme music]

*

[Andy and Jill moaning]

- Hey, you. What's going on in there?

- What? Just keep going!

Shh!

- I want us to connect.

- You're inside me...

balls deep.

How much more connected could we be?

- You know what I mean.

Dr. Baldwin said we're supposed to be

working on connecting.

- What? Just-- can't we keep boning?

- Forget it. - No!

Well, now we just wasted half our shtup.

Does that count?

- You don't get it.

Remember what Dr. Baldwin said:

"Communication is everything."

- Barf.

You don't have to follow every rule verbatim.

I mean, maybe the reason Miles is so oppositional

is because you keep putting everything

into perfect little Bento Boxes.

- Oh, really?

- The Japanese de-clutter book.

The chore wheel.

The connected sex.

I mean, you always--

- We're not supposed to say "you always."

Please, let's use the tools in our new toolkit.

[inhales and exhales]

- When you breathe...

- Yes?

- It makes me feel like ripping your face off.

- Okay. Okay.

And when you don't take this seriously,

it makes me question your maturity.

- [scoffs]

Pfffffttt!

- The heir to the seven kingdoms

still suckles...

[characters moaning]

[crowd roaring]

[overlapping shouting continues]

[blade swishes]

- Aah!

[overlapping screams, commotion]

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Whose fault is it? - Who gave Miles O.D.D.?

- Mr. and Mrs. Weber,

I agreed to this emergency session because you were nervous

about going into the snowstorm without support.

But personalities are comprised of a myriad of factors.

It's impossible to isolate a single root cause.

- So whose fault is it? - Well, who gave it to him?

["Bad to the Bone" ring chime]

- Sorry, it's my best friend. She keeps calling.

I'm getting worried.

Is everything okay?

- I just finished season three of "Game of Thrones"!

Everybody's dead!

There are bodies everywhere!

Fetus carved out!

It's a bloodbath!

- Vaness, it's not a good time.

I'm in therapy.

- I need therapy!

I need deep analysis, and I'm sending the bill to HBO!

- Okay,

calm down, it's just a TV show.

- How dare you?

- Okay, I--

I got to go.

So you were just about to tell us whose fault it is.

- No, I was telling your husband that it's starting to snow,

and I need to get back to Katonah.

You have my number.

Call me if it's a real emergency.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Yes. - Really?

- Whoo-hoo!

B-von-Dubs in the house!

You made it!

- Welcome, we have Sushi Seki,

we have Sette Mezzo takeout with extra-white truffle shavings,

and we have a case of bubbly.

To freedom.

- To freedom.

- OMG, I need to switch my Tinder to my bikini-bronze pics.

And so do you!

Give me your phone, I'll hook you up.

- I'm not doing that.

- Wait, you're freaking out.

She's freaking out.

Listen, I know you think this is the hard part,

but it's not-- your old life was the hard part.

- My asshole ex was schtupping our nutritionist

one week after we went Paleo, okay?

One week.

Do you think he ever apologized?

- Apologized?

I found my ex boning a Latvian hooker

in my son's race-car bed!

And he calls me psychotic.

- They're all dickheads.

Lex was banging his assistant for God knows how long,

then he humiliated you at your own benefit,

and has he ever apologized?

- Yeah, actually.

He has. Many times.

- Really?

- Yeah, he's offered to go to counseling together,

he sent me jewelry and flowers every day for months,

he's written me love poems.

He made me a flash mob YouTube video,

and, well, he gave me seed money for my new company.

I think I better go.

[ethereal instrumental music]

*

- Lex von Weber. With an open heart,

I accept your truth. [machine beeps]

- Lex, it's me, and you're right.

I took your love for granted.

Joy Green would say I haven't been shining my light onto you.

But I promise to do better,

and if you still love me,

meet me at our blizzard suite at the Waldorf.

*

- The cold front from California's El Nino

essentially made love to a tornado

when they collided over Kansas.

- You know, Dr. Baldwin can kiss my thass.

She gave us ten minutes when our son is in crisis.

- Yeah, and how's she supposed to calm people down

when she's hysterical over a little snow?

- Yeah, I mean, is it me, or did things get worse

every time we went to see her?

- Totally, and it seemed like she actually enjoyed seeing us

turn on each other.

- Yeah, we never fought like that before

we started seeing her, did we?

- No, we were fine.

Miles was messed up, but we were fine.

- I say, "If it works broke, don't fix it."

- We could get snowdrifts as tall as--

- Honey, do you realize what we're doing right now?

- Don't say it. You're gonna ruin--

- We're connecting.

- Yep, you ruined it.

[dramatic instrumental music]

*

- For more "Odd Mom Out," go to BravoTV.com.

- Oh, dear.

- Left, right, left, right, left, right!