All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S02E04_English

- Next is a Bravo
original comedy.

- Yeah, I really liked her.

She gave me a great haircut.
Not that Andy will notice.

He never notices that shit.
- Listen, I have to

give you a heads-up on one thing
before you come--

- Listen, I'm just arriving
home right now,

so can I call you later?

When am I seeing you?

Oh, I guess right now.

- I'm so sorry for
what's about to happen.

- Why?

Hi.
- Jill.

We need to talk to you.

- Worst words in
the English language.

- * Hey, yes, you know

* I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine *

- Jill, everyone here
loves you.

But we need to speak with you
about something difficult.

- [laughs] Oh, my God.
Is this an intervention?

- Sort of.
- I am not an alkie.

I just had three glasses
of pinot noir

at breakfast last week
because the sitter canceled.

- Jill, honey, we don't think
you're an alcoholic.

- Though now
I'm a little worried.

- Oh, please,
alcoholism was invented

in the 1980s
to sell magazines,

along with parenting
and happiness.

- Jill, you need to learn
how to drive.

- What?
I'm a New Yorker.

"You don't have to drive."

It's like printed
on our license plates.

- A true shedonist wouldn't let
a man drive her,

unless she was wealthy enough
to hire a man to drive for her,

which is the very pinnacle
of shedonism.

- Feminism.
And Gloria Steinem

doesn't even know
how to drive.

- Jill, watch you language.
There are children

in the next room.
- See, the difference

between shedonism and the whole
Gloria Steinem thing

is that shedonism isn't angry
or man hating.

- Stop talking.
I am here for Jill.

- This is ridiculous, okay?

When has my
not knowing how to drive

ever been a problem for you?

Honey, why don't I
take the kids to the beach?

And you can sleep all day
after you drive us there.

Or you could just sleep
in the car in the parking lot

so you can
drive us home after.

Anyone want to go
for ice cream?

Can I take one of your drivers
for ice cream?

Et tu, Brutus?

- Honey, I know it hurts,
but yes.

- Scenic route!
Scenic route!

Guys, I'm sorry if my
not knowing how to drive

is annoying, but it's too late
for me to learn.

That ship has sailed.

- Jill, this is a safety issue
for you and the kids.

I'm putting my foot down.

- You know what
your problem is?

You're not working,
so you're sitting around

all day,
coming up with problems.

You've got
Betty Draper syndrome.

- I am not Betty Draper.

- Well, I'm not getting in a car
with some creepy stranger

who's gonna teach me
how to drive.

- Fine, you don't want
a creepy stranger?

Okay, first thing's first.

You want to think of
the steering wheel as a clock.

Your starting position
is ten and two.

- Okay,
I changed my mind.

I do want a creepy stranger
to teach me.

- Why?

- Because it's better
if I hate a stranger.

Trust me.

[rock music]

*

- It has come
to my attention

that Alexander has yet
to receive an invitation

to your store opening.

- It's my night.
I don't want him there.

You know why.

- Roses again.

And, wow, a diamond necklace
in platinum.

- [scoffs]
Put them on the pile.

[sighs]
And call Canard Catering,

see if they can do
the spicy tuna

without the black
forbidden rice cake.

- Oh, Brooke.

Did he have a dalliance?
Yes.

But it's been six months.

You're sending
the wrong message.

- The wrong message to whom?
- Well there's a way

that these things
are done in society,

which you might not know about
because you're from Connecticut.

A two- or three-month separation
for a one-time indiscretion.

A four- or five-month separation
for a sustained affair.

But at this rate,
people will think that he got

that Oriental pregnant
or something

even more ridiculous,
like you're filing for divorce.

[laughs]

- I can handle
the messaging

of my own husband's affair,
Candace.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have work to do.

- Fine, but just remember:
Every Kate Spade needs a Jack.

- Nikki?
- Yes?

- I need to see Hollis.
Stat.

- I just know
he's gonna be rapey.

- Relax, I got you
the top-rated school,

and their top-rated driver,

and if you want,
I'll stay in the car

for the first lesson.

Oh boy,
he does look creepy.

That's a lot of tattoos.

- Hello, are you Jill?
- Yes, hi, are you Jill?

- I think it'll work better
if you're Jill and I'm Nico.

- [laughs] Right.
- And I'm Andy.

- Oh.

Shall we?

- I should stick around.

- Oh, um, no, it's fine.
Just go.

- Okay, well try
and have fun.

Call if you need anything.

- Okay, tell me about
your driving experience.

- I've seen
the movie "Speed."

- Funny.
So we'll be starting

from the beginning.
- Ten and two, I know.

- Nah, that doesn't
really matter.

Now you're gonna
try and drive

around those cones
without knocking any over.

- Say cones again.

- Cones.
- [laughs]

- Okay, give it a try.

- Ooh, boy.
Okay.

[whimsical music]

- Okay.

*

Oh, no biggie.

No, that's all right,
Just, uh--okay.

Ah!
- Sorry, sorry.

- It's all right.
Woop.

Uh, okay, stop.

These cones aren't cheap.
- Sorry, I'm a total spaz.

- [sighs] Maybe...

Maybe we should try
a little music

to calm you down.

[hard rock music plays
on car stereo]

Unless this isn't your thing.
- No, I love it.

Crank it to 11!

[music gets louder]

- And all of the power gays

have RSVP'd yes,
which is huge.

Gay word of mouth
is nine times

more powerful
than regular word of mouth.

- Oh, gays.
What aren't they good at?

Besides procreation.
- So true.

I have interviews lined up
for the day of opening

with elle.com
and "Tall Tween."

The magazine for women who
refuse to admit they're adults.

- Love. 100% on brand.
- [laughs]

- But there is one part
of the opening

I'm afraid could be
way off brand.

- Let me guess.
The estranged husband issue.

Listen, this is
my bread and butter.

It's very simple.
If he's not there,

people will assume
you're divorcing,

which is off brand.

If he is there, people will
think you're a pushover.

Even more off brand.
- [sighs]

- As the Buddha said,
you have to find the third path.

Or maybe that was Nixon.
- But there are only two paths.

Either I invite him
or I don't.

- Oh, doll,
there are so many more.

[hard rock music plays
on car stereo]

- I can't believe
this is your band.

It's like Alice in Chains
meets Mother Love Bone

meets Animal
from "The Muppet Show."

- I'm touched.

I never expected one of my
Upper East Siders

to be a legit rocker.
- To my core.

Okay, I wanted
to walk down the aisle

to "Welcome to the Jungle,"
but Andy wouldn't let me.

- Okay, so to wrap up for today,
you have killer music taste

but you're the worst driver
I've ever had.

- [laughs]
- I mean, and I taught a guy

who had a grand mal seizure
on the West Side Highway.

- Oh, my God.
I drive like a seizure victim?

- No. Worse.
I mean, at least

he was involuntarily
pumping the brakes.

- Oh, my God.
- But I'll get you there.

Which means we're gonna have
to spend a lot of time together.

- If we must.

[car stereo clicks on]
- * I'm falling for you

*

[Indigo Girls' "Closer to Fine"
playing]

- * I'm crawling on
your shores *

- * I went to the doctor,
I went to the mountains *

* I looked to the children,
I drank from the fountains *

* There's more than
one answer to the-- *

Hey!

How'd it go?
- Great.

Good.
I mean, fine.

- So would you
be willing to go back?

- Um, yeah.

Sure.
I mean, if it makes you happy.

- Yes.
- Um, so...

there's a Soundgarden concert
next week at The Beacon.

Do you want to go?

- Maybe.

Probably not.
- [sighs]

We used to go to shows
all the time.

- Well we also used to
not have three kids

that got up every day
at 6:00 a.m.

- [scoffs] You never let me
do anything fun.

Never!

- Jill.
[door slams]

[muffled hard rock music plays]

*

[stereo clicks on]
* I went to the doctor

- So how are
the driving lessons going?

- Fun.
I like my teacher.

Nico.

Is there any chance
I could rock this?

- Well it depends.
What's the occasion?

- Nothing, just bored
of everything I have.

- Wait a minute.
Go back.

Tell me about
the driving teacher.

- I don't know.
Um, he's Australian,

plays in a rock band,
sleeved in tats,

vague resemblance to Robb Stark
from "Game of Thrones."

- You're whacking it
to your driving instructor.

- First of all, I am too tired
to whack it to anyone.

And second, I've been married
for 12 years.

I'm entitled
to a harmless crush.

Trust me,
he would never be into me.

- Um, I think that's
besides the point, right?

- Yes, and you know I would
never cheat on Andy.

Ever.
It's just, Nico is like

that bad boy rocker type
I never banged.

Why didn't I do that?

- Because deep down
in the core of your being

you prefer the smell
of a pampered man.

- God damn it, I do!

Ugh, my B.O. sensitivity
has kept me

from experiencing so much.

But Nico is 100% B.O.-free.

- Okay then.
Go crazy.

Throw it all away.

Run off with your
driving teacher.

- Hey, this is what you get
for ganging up on me

about not knowing
how to drive.

Home wrecker.

- As I've explained already,

the other option
is to invite Lex

but not do any pictures
with him.

That is a move
popularized by all

of Harvey Weinstein's ex-wives.

- But we're not divorced.
I don't want to look cold.

- So you do one photo
with him and the children.

It says,
"We are co-parenting, but--"

- The children
won't be there.

Children remind people
of responsibility,

and that's not what
we're selling.

- Okay, how about this?
It's a classic.

Invite him to the party
but not the after party.

It's clean, it says,
"We're on speaking terms,

but we're not
actually speaking."

- Mm, or does it say

I didn't want to invite him,
but I need him.

Because neediness
is completely off brand.

Ugh!
Why doesn't anything feel right?

- [sighs] Oh, dear.

[upbeat rock music]

- Honestly, what more
does she want from you?

Roses, jewelry.

$15 million worth
of start-up financing.

- It takes a lot of roses
to fix a heart

that's been A-bombed, Mom.

That's what I did.

I A-bombed her heart.

[laughs]
Stop, it tickles.

- Alexander,
women are like horses.

If you're kind to them,
they will buck you off

and trample you to death.

Now, you've got to show Brooke
who's in charge.

And stop being so desperate.

[knock at door]

- It's Patty.

Excuse me, but Mrs. Von-Weber
just sent over

an invitation to her opening.
- Booyah, Mom!

- She's also sent instructions
on how to enter

through the staff tent,
a list of people

you're allowed to speak to,
and talking points

for those conversations.

- Brooke isn't on the list
of people I can talk to?

- [neighs]

Sounds like
someone's being bucked.

*

- You know, back in my country,
I was a doctor.

- Seriously?
- No, I was a driving teacher.

- [laughs]
- I could never be a doctor.

Sick people, needles, ick.

- So I'm guessing these are all
temporary tattoos.

- [laughs]
No, but I was terrified

when I got my first one.
- Well I've been fantasizing

about getting
a tasteful little skull

right on my shoulder.
- Okay, now we're talking.

How about after you pass
your driving test

we celebrate with some
new ink?

- Do you do that
with all your students?

You're gonna run out of skin.

- Most of my students
need parental consent.

In your case I guess
it'd be husband consent?

- [sighs] No, Andy would
dismember me if I got another.

I'd be fish food.
- Okay.

Then scratch that.

- Actually,
what am I saying?

Andy's not my dad.

I'm in.

*

[screams]

- It's not that late.
- It's been hours

since you two left.
- I'm sorry.

I just spilled coffee
on Nico,

so I wanted to get him
another one.

- You had coffee
with your driving instructor?

- Yeah, what's the big deal?

I found out that
his band needs a photographer

for their website
and they might hire me.

- Oh, well that's convenient
for everyone.

- Are you jealous?
You never get jealous.

- What do you expect?
The guy looks like

Colin Farrell.
- No, he doesn't.

He's way hotter.
- [sighs]

- Sorry, that's not
a useful point right now.

- You obviously have
a crush on him.

- No, I don't.

And you have crushes
all the time.

What about that florist
from our wedding?

- Well that was different.
She was very knowledgeable

about horticulture.

Oh, you know what?
I changed my mind.

You don't need
to learn to drive.

- What?
No, no, no, no, no.

I am getting my license
and you can't stop me.

Plus, I like driving now.

- Fine.
- Fine!

*

[door slams]

- Look at you.
It's like you've been

driving your whole life.

I'm so proud of you.

- Thank you.
I love driving!

And I love being able
to blare my music.

It totally helps me
to concentrate.

[both scream]
[tires screech]

[loud crash]
- Oh!

- Aw, oh.
- [whimpering]

- Oh. Ah.

Aw.
- Oh.

- * I own that,
baby that's a fact *

* 'Cause he'll never
do it like me *

- Natasha!

Muah, muah.

Thank you for coming.

You must meet J'neece.
You will love her.

- And then, like, a hundred
lobsters, scallops, and shrimp

had a trey-splosion
all over my windshield.

It was was
"Silence of the Clams."

I looked into
a lobster's eyes as he died.

- That's a lot of mollusks.

- It was
a full-on Molocaust.

- So what happened exactly?

- Um...

[romantic music]

- I'm whacking it
to you, Jill.

[tires screech]

- Well, I can't
really remember, but, um,

I think the clinical term
is traumatic memory loss,

right, Vaness?
- Mm-hmm, sure.

- Why didn't "Nico"
just use his brake?

- Um, honey, first of all,
you don't need

to do finger quotes,
'cause that's actually his name.

And secondly, we were talking
and it happened really fast.

- Ah, uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Well I guess
after the test tomorrow,

no more Nico.

- After tomorrow,
no more Nico.

- Big night.

So proud of you.

Hey, I--you know,
I think somebody

forgot my VIP bracelet.

I just want to go say hey
to Carmelo Anthony.

- Didn't you see
the materials I sent over?

We didn't forget.

[upbeat pop music]

*

- Brooke!

- Oh...

Candace, you're here.

Can you pretend
to talk to me?

It's the divorce divas.

They've been trying
to suck me into

their single girl circle
for weeks.

It's like being caught
in a whirlpool

of vodka and desperation.

- What did I say about
sending the wrong message?

- Brooke!

The place looks incredible.

You have to come to Cabo
with us for New Year's.

- Oh, totally.
It is a divorced girls'

wet dream.
- You can sexually harass

the help in Mexico
in a way you just can't here.

- Ah, thanks,

but Lex and I are just
on a trial separation.

In fact, Lex?

Photos.

No?
He didn't see me.

He's nearsighted.
Or farsighted,

whichever makes sense.

Honey, can I--

Like, right now.

- I'm sorry, but no.

I'm done here.

Tell Carmelo, I'll see him
at the meditation center.

- [scoffs]

Anyway, this bag is made
from one crocodile.

- Wow.
- Wow.

[rock music]

*

- I really don't think
I can do this.

I smashed into a van yesterday
and killed many lobsters.

- They were gonna die anyway.

- Well I don't
feel comfortable playing God.

- Listen, none of my students
have ever failed.

Not a single one.
- [sighs]

- Relax, have fun,

and focus on what kind of skull
you're gonna get later.

- [laughs]

Oh, Munchkins.
Mind if I--

- Oh, sorry.
Those aren't for you.

- Oh.
- Oh, we're up.

- [sighs]

- Elna.

- Nice to see you, Nico.

- Hi.
- [clears throat] I'm Elna.

I'll be your examiner today.

- Hi, I'm Jill.
Oh, I see you're

a Tweety Bird fan,
that's so cute.

- It's not Tweety Bird,
and I don't like to get touched.

Start the car, please, ma'am.

- [exhales]
- There you go.

Nice and easy.

[tires screech]

- [sighs]
- So...

To recap,
I drove over a median,

I backed over
a flamingo lawn ornament,

and I guess that car's owner
will contact me about this.

I'll see you in, what,
three to four weeks?

- Oh, no, you passed.

- Wait, what?
There's no way.

- Oh, they're my weakness.
Toodleoo.

[no audible dialogue]

Jeez.
[laughs]

- See you Wednesday.
- You got it.

- This was a setup!

It--it's a bribe!
You're in cahoots?

- Shh, what are you
talking about?

You passed with flying colors,
A-plus!

- You can't let me drive.
I'm a menace to society,

and shellfish, and probably
a lot of other things.

- Sweetheart, relax,
just get back in the--

- Don't call me sweetheart.

[in Australian accent]
You're a fake and a phony

and I wish I'd never
laid eyes on you!

- Whatever.
- [normal voice] And to think

I almost got
a tasteful skull with you.

[engine turns over]
I hope you enjoy

your delicious
fried doughnut balls!

I hope they fill the hole where
your integrity used to be!

Australia is colonized
by criminals!

[somber music]

[cheering on TV]
[buzzer]

[phone vibrates]

- Hey, hon,
how'd it go?

- You're a good man.
I love you

and I'm so glad
I'm married to you.

- Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
That's okay.

A lot of people fail
their first time.

- No, I passed, but I am never
going to drive.

Everything is a hoax.

- [laughs] Well I don't know
what you're talking about,

sweetie, but I love you too.

- Can you come pick me up
in Coney Island?

- What?

- Hi, there.
- Oh, hello.

- Hi, can I help you
with something?

- Uh, yes, please, could you
tell me how much

this suede bag is?

- Oh, this one is $2,900.

- Oh, jeez,
that's pretty pricey.

- Mm-hmm.
- How is it for stains?

Good?
- Good.

- My gosh,
I like the white one, too,

'cause sometimes I wear
white jeans, you know?

But I wear a lot of denim,
so I like the blue.

I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna get both of them.

- Oh, oh, all right.
- Cash all right?

- Sure.

- Oh.
There you go.

And a little something extra
for you, Felipe.

- Oh, you--that's not my name.
- Tell you what,

I don't need a bag,
it'll just weigh me down.

All right.
You have a good day.

- Have a--have a good day.

- For more "Odd Mom Out,"
go to Bravotv.com.

[seagull squawking]
- Oh, dear.

- Left, right, left, right,
left, right!