Original subtitles

- Next is a Bravo original comedy.

- Yeah, I really liked her.

She gave me a great haircut. Not that Andy will notice.

He never notices that shit. - Listen, I have to

give you a heads-up on one thing before you come--

- Listen, I'm just arriving home right now,

so can I call you later?

When am I seeing you?

Oh, I guess right now.

- I'm so sorry for what's about to happen.

- Why?

Hi. - Jill.

We need to talk to you.

- Worst words in the English language.

- * Hey, yes, you know

* I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine *

- Jill, everyone here loves you.

But we need to speak with you about something difficult.

- [laughs] Oh, my God. Is this an intervention?

- Sort of. - I am not an alkie.

I just had three glasses of pinot noir

at breakfast last week because the sitter canceled.

- Jill, honey, we don't think you're an alcoholic.

- Though now I'm a little worried.

- Oh, please, alcoholism was invented

in the 1980s to sell magazines,

along with parenting and happiness.

- Jill, you need to learn how to drive.

- What? I'm a New Yorker.

"You don't have to drive."

It's like printed on our license plates.

- A true shedonist wouldn't let a man drive her,

unless she was wealthy enough to hire a man to drive for her,

which is the very pinnacle of shedonism.

- Feminism. And Gloria Steinem

doesn't even know how to drive.

- Jill, watch you language. There are children

in the next room. - See, the difference

between shedonism and the whole Gloria Steinem thing

is that shedonism isn't angry or man hating.

- Stop talking. I am here for Jill.

- This is ridiculous, okay?

When has my not knowing how to drive

ever been a problem for you?

Honey, why don't I take the kids to the beach?

And you can sleep all day after you drive us there.

Or you could just sleep in the car in the parking lot

so you can drive us home after.

Anyone want to go for ice cream?

Can I take one of your drivers for ice cream?

Et tu, Brutus?

- Honey, I know it hurts, but yes.

- Scenic route! Scenic route!

Guys, I'm sorry if my not knowing how to drive

is annoying, but it's too late for me to learn.

That ship has sailed.

- Jill, this is a safety issue for you and the kids.

I'm putting my foot down.

- You know what your problem is?

You're not working, so you're sitting around

all day, coming up with problems.

You've got Betty Draper syndrome.

- I am not Betty Draper.

- Well, I'm not getting in a car with some creepy stranger

who's gonna teach me how to drive.

- Fine, you don't want a creepy stranger?

Okay, first thing's first.

You want to think of the steering wheel as a clock.

Your starting position is ten and two.

- Okay, I changed my mind.

I do want a creepy stranger to teach me.

- Why?

- Because it's better if I hate a stranger.

Trust me.

[rock music]

*

- It has come to my attention

that Alexander has yet to receive an invitation

to your store opening.

- It's my night. I don't want him there.

You know why.

- Roses again.

And, wow, a diamond necklace in platinum.

- [scoffs] Put them on the pile.

[sighs] And call Canard Catering,

see if they can do the spicy tuna

without the black forbidden rice cake.

- Oh, Brooke.

Did he have a dalliance? Yes.

But it's been six months.

You're sending the wrong message.

- The wrong message to whom? - Well there's a way

that these things are done in society,

which you might not know about because you're from Connecticut.

A two- or three-month separation for a one-time indiscretion.

A four- or five-month separation for a sustained affair.

But at this rate, people will think that he got

that Oriental pregnant or something

even more ridiculous, like you're filing for divorce.

[laughs]

- I can handle the messaging

of my own husband's affair, Candace.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

- Fine, but just remember: Every Kate Spade needs a Jack.

- Nikki? - Yes?

- I need to see Hollis. Stat.

- I just know he's gonna be rapey.

- Relax, I got you the top-rated school,

and their top-rated driver,

and if you want, I'll stay in the car

for the first lesson.

Oh boy, he does look creepy.

That's a lot of tattoos.

- Hello, are you Jill? - Yes, hi, are you Jill?

- I think it'll work better if you're Jill and I'm Nico.

- [laughs] Right. - And I'm Andy.

- Oh.

Shall we?

- I should stick around.

- Oh, um, no, it's fine. Just go.

- Okay, well try and have fun.

Call if you need anything.

- Okay, tell me about your driving experience.

- I've seen the movie "Speed."

- Funny. So we'll be starting

from the beginning. - Ten and two, I know.

- Nah, that doesn't really matter.

Now you're gonna try and drive

around those cones without knocking any over.

- Say cones again.

- Cones. - [laughs]

- Okay, give it a try.

- Ooh, boy. Okay.

[whimsical music]

- Okay.

*

Oh, no biggie.

No, that's all right, Just, uh--okay.

Ah! - Sorry, sorry.

- It's all right. Woop.

Uh, okay, stop.

These cones aren't cheap. - Sorry, I'm a total spaz.

- [sighs] Maybe...

Maybe we should try a little music

to calm you down.

[hard rock music plays on car stereo]

Unless this isn't your thing. - No, I love it.

Crank it to 11!

[music gets louder]

- And all of the power gays

have RSVP'd yes, which is huge.

Gay word of mouth is nine times

more powerful than regular word of mouth.

- Oh, gays. What aren't they good at?

Besides procreation. - So true.

I have interviews lined up for the day of opening

with elle.com and "Tall Tween."

The magazine for women who refuse to admit they're adults.

- Love. 100% on brand. - [laughs]

- But there is one part of the opening

I'm afraid could be way off brand.

- Let me guess. The estranged husband issue.

Listen, this is my bread and butter.

It's very simple. If he's not there,

people will assume you're divorcing,

which is off brand.

If he is there, people will think you're a pushover.

Even more off brand. - [sighs]

- As the Buddha said, you have to find the third path.

Or maybe that was Nixon. - But there are only two paths.

Either I invite him or I don't.

- Oh, doll, there are so many more.

[hard rock music plays on car stereo]

- I can't believe this is your band.

It's like Alice in Chains meets Mother Love Bone

meets Animal from "The Muppet Show."

- I'm touched.

I never expected one of my Upper East Siders

to be a legit rocker. - To my core.

Okay, I wanted to walk down the aisle

to "Welcome to the Jungle," but Andy wouldn't let me.

- Okay, so to wrap up for today, you have killer music taste

but you're the worst driver I've ever had.

- [laughs] - I mean, and I taught a guy

who had a grand mal seizure on the West Side Highway.

- Oh, my God. I drive like a seizure victim?

- No. Worse. I mean, at least

he was involuntarily pumping the brakes.

- Oh, my God. - But I'll get you there.

Which means we're gonna have to spend a lot of time together.

- If we must.

[car stereo clicks on] - * I'm falling for you

*

[Indigo Girls' "Closer to Fine" playing]

- * I'm crawling on your shores *

- * I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains *

* I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains *

* There's more than one answer to the-- *

Hey!

How'd it go? - Great.

Good. I mean, fine.

- So would you be willing to go back?

- Um, yeah.

Sure. I mean, if it makes you happy.

- Yes. - Um, so...

there's a Soundgarden concert next week at The Beacon.

Do you want to go?

- Maybe.

Probably not. - [sighs]

We used to go to shows all the time.

- Well we also used to not have three kids

that got up every day at 6:00 a.m.

- [scoffs] You never let me do anything fun.

Never!

- Jill. [door slams]

[muffled hard rock music plays]

*

[stereo clicks on] * I went to the doctor

- So how are the driving lessons going?

- Fun. I like my teacher.

Nico.

Is there any chance I could rock this?

- Well it depends. What's the occasion?

- Nothing, just bored of everything I have.

- Wait a minute. Go back.

Tell me about the driving teacher.

- I don't know. Um, he's Australian,

plays in a rock band, sleeved in tats,

vague resemblance to Robb Stark from "Game of Thrones."

- You're whacking it to your driving instructor.

- First of all, I am too tired to whack it to anyone.

And second, I've been married for 12 years.

I'm entitled to a harmless crush.

Trust me, he would never be into me.

- Um, I think that's besides the point, right?

- Yes, and you know I would never cheat on Andy.

Ever. It's just, Nico is like

that bad boy rocker type I never banged.

Why didn't I do that?

- Because deep down in the core of your being

you prefer the smell of a pampered man.

- God damn it, I do!

Ugh, my B.O. sensitivity has kept me

from experiencing so much.

But Nico is 100% B.O.-free.

- Okay then. Go crazy.

Throw it all away.

Run off with your driving teacher.

- Hey, this is what you get for ganging up on me

about not knowing how to drive.

Home wrecker.

- As I've explained already,

the other option is to invite Lex

but not do any pictures with him.

That is a move popularized by all

of Harvey Weinstein's ex-wives.

- But we're not divorced. I don't want to look cold.

- So you do one photo with him and the children.

It says, "We are co-parenting, but--"

- The children won't be there.

Children remind people of responsibility,

and that's not what we're selling.

- Okay, how about this? It's a classic.

Invite him to the party but not the after party.

It's clean, it says, "We're on speaking terms,

but we're not actually speaking."

- Mm, or does it say

I didn't want to invite him, but I need him.

Because neediness is completely off brand.

Ugh! Why doesn't anything feel right?

- [sighs] Oh, dear.

[upbeat rock music]

- Honestly, what more does she want from you?

Roses, jewelry.

$15 million worth of start-up financing.

- It takes a lot of roses to fix a heart

that's been A-bombed, Mom.

That's what I did.

I A-bombed her heart.

[laughs] Stop, it tickles.

- Alexander, women are like horses.

If you're kind to them, they will buck you off

and trample you to death.

Now, you've got to show Brooke who's in charge.

And stop being so desperate.

[knock at door]

- It's Patty.

Excuse me, but Mrs. Von-Weber just sent over

an invitation to her opening. - Booyah, Mom!

- She's also sent instructions on how to enter

through the staff tent, a list of people

you're allowed to speak to, and talking points

for those conversations.

- Brooke isn't on the list of people I can talk to?

- [neighs]

Sounds like someone's being bucked.

*

- You know, back in my country, I was a doctor.

- Seriously? - No, I was a driving teacher.

- [laughs] - I could never be a doctor.

Sick people, needles, ick.

- So I'm guessing these are all temporary tattoos.

- [laughs] No, but I was terrified

when I got my first one. - Well I've been fantasizing

about getting a tasteful little skull

right on my shoulder. - Okay, now we're talking.

How about after you pass your driving test

we celebrate with some new ink?

- Do you do that with all your students?

You're gonna run out of skin.

- Most of my students need parental consent.

In your case I guess it'd be husband consent?

- [sighs] No, Andy would dismember me if I got another.

I'd be fish food. - Okay.

Then scratch that.

- Actually, what am I saying?

Andy's not my dad.

I'm in.

*

[screams]

- It's not that late. - It's been hours

since you two left. - I'm sorry.

I just spilled coffee on Nico,

so I wanted to get him another one.

- You had coffee with your driving instructor?

- Yeah, what's the big deal?

I found out that his band needs a photographer

for their website and they might hire me.

- Oh, well that's convenient for everyone.

- Are you jealous? You never get jealous.

- What do you expect? The guy looks like

Colin Farrell. - No, he doesn't.

He's way hotter. - [sighs]

- Sorry, that's not a useful point right now.

- You obviously have a crush on him.

- No, I don't.

And you have crushes all the time.

What about that florist from our wedding?

- Well that was different. She was very knowledgeable

about horticulture.

Oh, you know what? I changed my mind.

You don't need to learn to drive.

- What? No, no, no, no, no.

I am getting my license and you can't stop me.

Plus, I like driving now.

- Fine. - Fine!

*

[door slams]

- Look at you. It's like you've been

driving your whole life.

I'm so proud of you.

- Thank you. I love driving!

And I love being able to blare my music.

It totally helps me to concentrate.

[both scream] [tires screech]

[loud crash] - Oh!

- Aw, oh. - [whimpering]

- Oh. Ah.

Aw. - Oh.

- * I own that, baby that's a fact *

* 'Cause he'll never do it like me *

- Natasha!

Muah, muah.

Thank you for coming.

You must meet J'neece. You will love her.

- And then, like, a hundred lobsters, scallops, and shrimp

had a trey-splosion all over my windshield.

It was was "Silence of the Clams."

I looked into a lobster's eyes as he died.

- That's a lot of mollusks.

- It was a full-on Molocaust.

- So what happened exactly?

- Um...

[romantic music]

- I'm whacking it to you, Jill.

[tires screech]

- Well, I can't really remember, but, um,

I think the clinical term is traumatic memory loss,

right, Vaness? - Mm-hmm, sure.

- Why didn't "Nico" just use his brake?

- Um, honey, first of all, you don't need

to do finger quotes, 'cause that's actually his name.

And secondly, we were talking and it happened really fast.

- Ah, uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Well I guess after the test tomorrow,

no more Nico.

- After tomorrow, no more Nico.

- Big night.

So proud of you.

Hey, I--you know, I think somebody

forgot my VIP bracelet.

I just want to go say hey to Carmelo Anthony.

- Didn't you see the materials I sent over?

We didn't forget.

[upbeat pop music]

*

- Brooke!

- Oh...

Candace, you're here.

Can you pretend to talk to me?

It's the divorce divas.

They've been trying to suck me into

their single girl circle for weeks.

It's like being caught in a whirlpool

of vodka and desperation.

- What did I say about sending the wrong message?

- Brooke!

The place looks incredible.

You have to come to Cabo with us for New Year's.

- Oh, totally. It is a divorced girls'

wet dream. - You can sexually harass

the help in Mexico in a way you just can't here.

- Ah, thanks,

but Lex and I are just on a trial separation.

In fact, Lex?

Photos.

No? He didn't see me.

He's nearsighted. Or farsighted,

whichever makes sense.

Honey, can I--

Like, right now.

- I'm sorry, but no.

I'm done here.

Tell Carmelo, I'll see him at the meditation center.

- [scoffs]

Anyway, this bag is made from one crocodile.

- Wow. - Wow.

[rock music]

*

- I really don't think I can do this.

I smashed into a van yesterday and killed many lobsters.

- They were gonna die anyway.

- Well I don't feel comfortable playing God.

- Listen, none of my students have ever failed.

Not a single one. - [sighs]

- Relax, have fun,

and focus on what kind of skull you're gonna get later.

- [laughs]

Oh, Munchkins. Mind if I--

- Oh, sorry. Those aren't for you.

- Oh. - Oh, we're up.

- [sighs]

- Elna.

- Nice to see you, Nico.

- Hi. - [clears throat] I'm Elna.

I'll be your examiner today.

- Hi, I'm Jill. Oh, I see you're

a Tweety Bird fan, that's so cute.

- It's not Tweety Bird, and I don't like to get touched.

Start the car, please, ma'am.

- [exhales] - There you go.

Nice and easy.

[tires screech]

- [sighs] - So...

To recap, I drove over a median,

I backed over a flamingo lawn ornament,

and I guess that car's owner will contact me about this.

I'll see you in, what, three to four weeks?

- Oh, no, you passed.

- Wait, what? There's no way.

- Oh, they're my weakness. Toodleoo.

[no audible dialogue]

Jeez. [laughs]

- See you Wednesday. - You got it.

- This was a setup!

It--it's a bribe! You're in cahoots?

- Shh, what are you talking about?

You passed with flying colors, A-plus!

- You can't let me drive. I'm a menace to society,

and shellfish, and probably a lot of other things.

- Sweetheart, relax, just get back in the--

- Don't call me sweetheart.

[in Australian accent] You're a fake and a phony

and I wish I'd never laid eyes on you!

- Whatever. - [normal voice] And to think

I almost got a tasteful skull with you.

[engine turns over] I hope you enjoy

your delicious fried doughnut balls!

I hope they fill the hole where your integrity used to be!

Australia is colonized by criminals!

[somber music]

[cheering on TV] [buzzer]

[phone vibrates]

- Hey, hon, how'd it go?

- You're a good man. I love you

and I'm so glad I'm married to you.

- Oh, honey, I'm sorry. That's okay.

A lot of people fail their first time.

- No, I passed, but I am never going to drive.

Everything is a hoax.

- [laughs] Well I don't know what you're talking about,

sweetie, but I love you too.

- Can you come pick me up in Coney Island?

- What?

- Hi, there. - Oh, hello.

- Hi, can I help you with something?

- Uh, yes, please, could you tell me how much

this suede bag is?

- Oh, this one is $2,900.

- Oh, jeez, that's pretty pricey.

- Mm-hmm. - How is it for stains?

Good? - Good.

- My gosh, I like the white one, too,

'cause sometimes I wear white jeans, you know?

But I wear a lot of denim, so I like the blue.

I'll tell you what, I'm gonna get both of them.

- Oh, oh, all right. - Cash all right?

- Sure.

- Oh. There you go.

And a little something extra for you, Felipe.

- Oh, you--that's not my name. - Tell you what,

I don't need a bag, it'll just weigh me down.

All right. You have a good day.

- Have a--have a good day.

- For more "Odd Mom Out," go to Bravotv.com.

[seagull squawking] - Oh, dear.

- Left, right, left, right, left, right!