All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S02E02_English

male announcer: Next is
a Bravo original comedy.

- Ugh, can you believe that

there's another Jewish holiday
next week

and school is closed again.
- Another one?

- Yeah.
- Ugh, when will it end?

- Sorry, it's all
part of our conspiracy

to take over the world.

[chuckles]

- Anyway, I was thinking
of organizing

a guided tour of the Met

with an art historian
for the kids that day.

- Oh, count us in.

That night we have
a Navy Seal coming

to meet with the family
about disaster preparedness.

- Oh, we did that last year.
We have six Go Bags

from BlackUmbrella.com.

and enough food and water
in our safe room for a year.

- Wait, what?
Are you guys serious?

- Jill, wake up
and smell the Zika virus.

Anything can happen.

Extreme weather, ISIS attacks,

zombie apocalypse.
- You have to have a plan.

We have a $16,000...
[cell phone beeping]

Inflatable family life raft
that we can board

right on the river
next to Brearly.

- Huh.
Weird.

- Jill,
what could be more important

than preparing
for the end of the world?

- Sorry, nothing.

Just breaking news buzz

that kale's been declassified
as a superfood.

- What?
- Kale?

- What?
- Is this a joke?

- That can't be.
- No, no.

- I was just beginning
to enjoy it.

- There's folic acid...
- I'll call my lawyer.

- There's tons of minerals...

- Someone has got
to do something about this.

- No...
- I have to...

- I won't believe it.
- Shit!

[all panicking]

- [exhales]
Is there vodka here?

- * Hey, yes, you know

* I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine *

- It was the best risotto
we've had on the show.

- It was those tomatoes.
They were delicious

on the plate.
- Guys, please turn off the TV.

- They were so sweet.
- I've been awake 20 minutes

and I'm already hungry.
Longest day of the year.

- You know,
you don't have to fast.

- My parents are here
and we always fast on Yom Kips.

I've been doing it
since I had feathered bangs

at my Bat Mitzvah.

This is the holiest day
of the year.

Turn that goddamn thing off.

- Hey.
- Turn it back on.

- Absolutely not.

Today is about reflection

and apology and bad breath.

It's, like, National Halitosis
day for the Jews.

- Yeah, why does fasting
make your breath so bad?

- Only Adonai knows,

but if you want Christmas,
you are doing Yom Kippur.

- Ugh.
Oh, God...

- Jill, I am begging you
to have a sip of coffee.

- [sniffs]
- It'll be better for everybody.

- [exhales]
Miles, you are not wearing Crocs

to synagogue.
- Yes, I am.

- No, you're not.
- I hate you!

- I can't fight this battle.
I'm too weak today.

- Listen, even though
I am technically Episcopalian,

I am going to fast with you
this year in solidarity.

- That is so nice.

- What're we atoning for again?

- Bad shit we did.

[Jewish music]

- And we say together...

all: Amen.

- [singing in Hebrew]

- Is that Toby Schmidt
in the tweed?

Oh, she looks wonderful.

- No, Mom, that's Iris Shimmel.

- Really?

Oh, she looks terrible.

- On Rosh Hashanah we reflect.

On Yom Kippur we consider.

Who shall live
for the sake others?

Who dying shall leave
a heritage of life?

- Oh, that reminds me.

Andy, do me a favor.

Take a look at this afterwards,
all right?

We updated our wills.

- Oh, good, you didn't forget.

- You're doing this here?

- Yeah, we decided
that you're gonna be

our "Do Not Resuscitate" person
if you're up for it.

- It'd be an honor, Alan.

- Okay.
- Wait, what?

You mean your plug-puller
if you're on life support?

- Yeah, we realized
we can't be each others.

Too emotional.
- Mm-hmm.

- We rise on page 354.

- And why did Andy get the job?
Why not me?

- Honey, Andy is an attorney,
okay?

And he's very level-headed.

- Yeah, but I'm your daughter.

If anyone gets to kill you,

it should be me.
- Shh!

Oh, hi, Jill.

Sorry, I didn't realize
it was you.

[speaking Hebrew]
all: Amen.

- Please be seated.

- What're you doing here?

- It's the holiest day
of the Jewish Calendar.

A time of reflection
and redemption.

- Yeah, I know.
I'm Jewish.

- And now I am too.

I told Jared if we made it
to ten years, I'd convert.

He's in Singapore right now.

Anyway, Brooke was nice enough
to give me the day off, so...

- Day off
from telling her she's not fat?

- No, silly.
I'm the "Dreamer in Chief"

of her new fashion house,
von Weber.

It's going to be huge.

- Right, right, right.
I keep forgetting.

Anyway, Mazel.

- Please rise as we
return the Torah to the ark.

[all singing in Hebrew]

- [Stephanie singing loudly
in Hebrew]

- The campaign needs
to ooze decadence.

It's about saying yes,

not thinking twice,
no regrets.

- Amazing, love that.
[dog whimpers]

And you love that too,
don't you?

Who's a good therapy dog?
Whose helping me think

about the needs of others?
[door opens]

- Sorry to interrupt.

I just talked to the broker

and the space on Madison
and 73rd is actually

575 per square foot,

which means we need
an additional 500K

or we're back
to the drawing board.

- No, I want that location.

I'll call Howie.

Damn it.

My entire legal
and accounting departments are

out for Yom Kippur.
So annoying.

I'm gonna have to talk directly
to the investors.

Can you give me the room,
ladies?

This isn't gonna be pretty.

- You shake those money trees.

- I will, girl.

I think J'neece is
working out well, don't you?

- She's a dream.

- She reminds me of someone else
who had a dream.

[rock music]

*

[cell phone buzzing]

- [exhales]

You know, I was meditating
this morning,

and I visualized this call.

It's time.
- I'm calling on business, Lex.

- Oh, right.

Yeah, I'm all ears.
Fire away.

- For reasons
I'd rather not go into,

it turns out we're going
to need another 500K

for the retail store.

- On top of what
I already fronted?

I--I'm gonna have to run that up
the flagpole, babe.

- You are the flagpole,
and don't call me "babe."

If you can't do it, I'll find
another investor who can.

- Wait, I hear you,

and I honor your integrity.
Consider it done.

I'm just gonna have to run that
by Pete and let Ernie know.

So you going to that break-fast
later at Jillie's?

Brooke?

*

- [singing in Hebrew]

- Starv-acious.

*

- [quietly]
Oh, oh.

- You both have living wills,
right?

- Uh, why do I not remember
doing that?

- Because we didn't.
We just have regular wills.

- You're walking around
without living wills?

- Yeah, I mean,
an air conditioner could

fall on you on your way home
and you'd be on life support.

- Okay, we'll deal with it.

- Please turn to page 469

to continue silent worship.

- I assume we'll be each others
plug-pullers, right?

- Uh, yeah, sure, I guess so.

- Shh!
- Sorry.

- Sorry.

[cell phone rings]
- Oh, my God,

never been so happy
to hear your voice.

I am so crabby
and my breath is so bad,

you could bottle it,
ship it to Syria,

and we'd win the war on terror.

- Oh, that's appetizing.
- [sighs]

Hey, I need to do a living will.

What do you think of Andy
as my plug-puller?

- Mm, I think
you could do better.

- Seriously?
- You need a hardass.

Andy's too nice.
- Okay, glad I asked.

So what's going on
in the normal world,

aside from lots of eating.

I can hear you chewing,
by the way.

- Sorry.
Well, here's something:

Elliot came over last night,
we hung out,

had better than average sex,

but this morning we woke
and I'm...

how do I say this?

Repulsed.
- Why?

Did he have, like, mouth crust
or something?

- No, it's more like
he woke up hideous.

Is that possible?
- If I had to guess,

I would say that you're
realizing that you hate him

or that you're
falling in love with him,

and it's freaking you out.

- Um, no,

and no.
- Okay, is it something fixable?

Like the butt-cut.
- What butt-cut?

- Oh, you know, his middle part.

- [silently]
Ew...

[normal voice]
Um, okay, anyhow,

I'll let you get back
to atoning.

What can we bring tonight?

- Oh--
- Oh, shit, here comes my mom.

- Hi, Vanessa.
Get off the phone, Jill.

- I gotta go.
I'll call you later.

[rock music]

She called me.

I'm just a little hurt you
didn't even consider me

to be your plug-puller.
Feels a little sexist.

- Oh, honey,
it isn't that we thought

you wouldn't be good at it.

We know you can be a
cold-hearted bitch

when you need to be.
- Really?

You're not just saying that
to make me feel better?

- Oh, of course not, darling.

I just think that you're
oversensitive

because you're fasting.

- Well, you're fasting too.
We all are.

Aren't we?

- Yeah, I'm fasting.

I just had a mouthful
of cottage cheese

with my blood pressure pills
and Daddy has to have his toast,

you know,
his peanut butter toast,

or he gets so grumpy.

- So you're not fasting.

I feel totally
and utterly betrayed.

- Oh, come on.
It was two bites, Meryl Streep.

Let's get back.

- One, two, three, four.

*

- [groans]
Can't speak...

- Three minutes to sundown.
- Too hungry.

- Beautiful.
- I gotta say,

this was not as bad as
I thought it was gonna be.

I feel like I could fast
for a few more days now.

I feel great.

- Jill, dear,
last time I was here

I brought a wonderful bottle
of Russian vodka...

- This fish looks great, honey.
- Can we start of what?

[dramatic music]

- Wah...
- Wah, wah, wah.

*

all: Wah, wah, wah...

*

[sexy music]
- * Baby

- Her appetite
never ceases to amaze me.

[lilting music]

- Jill.

Mm, my sister.
- [chuckles]

- My friend.
- Hi, Lex.

Sorry I smell like
a fish who ate an onion,

and it's only gonna get worse.

- Do you know when Brooke is
getting here?

- Brooke's coming?

- I hope so.

- Excuse me one second.
- [laughs]

Yes, yes,
I'm constantly being told

that I look decades younger
than I am.

In fact, last week
I was carded at Cipriani.

- [chuckles]
- Is that so?

- But there is one thing
I'm wondering about.

Alan, see this freckle here?

Does this look
questionable to you?

- I'll have a look here.

Um, looks, uh--looks fine to me.

- You realize Alan was
an orthopedic surgeon.

You know, I--yeah, I better see
if Jill needs help.

- If you're,
uh, concerned about it,

I have a good friend
who's a dermatologist.

Park Avenue doctor.
Very good.

- How old is he?

- [whispers]
She's seducing your father?

- She belongs
in a Burberry straightjacket.

- Oh, she's just needy.

- Ugh, I hate that
they come here every year.

Why would you celebrate
Yom Kippur

if you didn't have to?

It's the brown crayon
of holidays.

- Hey, by the way,
have you taken Hazel

to the orthodontist yet?
It's time.

- No, Mom, I've been busy.

- I really regret
not getting you braces.

It's not too late, though,
you know.

Everyone at the club is
doing Invisalign.

- Okay, thank you, Mom.

[rock music]

*

- Is there a special wine
for breaking the fast?

- Don't ask me.
I'm a lapsed Catholic.

- Ooh, this is
one of my favorites.

[sexy music]

- That looks good.

- But this might go better
with a fish.

[dramatic music]

It's okay.
We can get the red or both.

[sexy music]

Unless you want to see
if they have a Lambrusco.

*

Or not.

I thought you liked Lambrusco.

- I go back and forth.

- Sign next to the blue tabs.

There and there.

- I do this for a living, Alan,
but thanks.

- You've been out of work,
so, uh--so maybe a little rusty.

Jill, how about I ask Harvey

to draw up a couple of living
wills for both of you, okay?

It's pretty standard practice,

uh, since you're signing
for each other.

- Yeah, um...
[clears throat]

We just need
to talk about it first.

- What's to talk about?
We're married.

That's what marriage is
all about.

- Well, I'm just afraid

that you might be
too upset to pull the plug

if things got really ugly.

- You underestimate me.
I can do it.

No question.

- Let's say there is
a car accident

on the Cross Bronx Expressway,

and your wife is
catapulted head-first

through the windshield.
- Oh, my God, Alan.

- This is very important
to talk about.

I mean, Jill can't drive,

and we all know that
the passenger side is

the death seat.

Mm, this is delicious, honey.

Or, picture this, Jill,
I don't know, just skis...

[grunts]
Right into a tree.

- Right, total organ failure.

She's brain dead,
living in a vegetative state

with a string of drool
coming out of her mouth

just like what happened to,
uh, Sue Menkowitz,

may she rest in peace.
- Okay, shh, the kids, please.

- They're in the other room.
See?

He can't even have
a conversation about it.

Whereas I can look at the facts
and take clear decisive action.

- Hey, are you trying
to get my job here?

- Mm, no, no, no, no,
now that I think about it, Andy,

you had to excuse yourself
during Miles' bris.

- That's different.

That's my baby son's foreskin
being snipped

in front of thirty people
kibbitzing.

- Uh, that's
a barbaric tradition

I agree.
That is not a good test.

- Oh, now, now, now,
I don't think it's barbaric.

In fact, I imagine that all
the men here are circumcised,

am I right?
- Mother, please.

- And Fielding, of course,
had an unclipped saucisson,

but I got used to it.

- Ugh.
- Mom!

- Mom!
- God!

- [stammers]
Can we get back to the will?

- Yes.
I'm a pragmatist.

If someone is on life support
and they are not coming back,

I am pulling the plug.
- Really?

Even for me with
the ski-into-a-tree scenario?

- Pulling the plug over a little
drool seems excessive, but--

- Babe, the day
I can't remember our kids names,

I wanna be offed.
- Fine, you win.

You're dead.
Happy?

- Oh.
- Yes, I feel much better.

Thank you.
- Great.

Can we talk about
something else?

Anything else.
- Well, in the spirit

of your little holiday,

I've been doing
some reflecting myself,

and it occurred to me that
back in the '80s

I had a few dinner dates
with Bill Cosby.

- Oh.
- He never laid a hand on me.

Not even once.
I mean, I'm haunted by it.

You should have
seen me back then.

I was--I was a knockout.

Wait, I have a picture
in my purse.

- Burberry straightjacket.

- Kids, dessert.

- What took you so long?

You missed an actual trip
to Hades.

We all boarded an Amtrak train
and went to Hades together.

- Sorry, Elliot keeps swinging
from hot to hid,

and now it's speeding up.

It's like
I have sexual schizophprenia.

- Why?
He looks fine to me.

- Ugh.

Ugh, I gotta go deal with this.

- No, don't do anything rash.
This is normal.

Everyone has this.

- Has what?

[door closes]

- Sorry I'm so late.

Rough day at the office.

both: Hi, Brooke.

- Jill, I'm sure today
must have been hard for you

because you're not used
to fasting.

- Hi, Brooke.

Happy holiday.
- What do you want, Lex?

- Well, I just wanted
to let you know

that I fasted today

to atone for what I put you
and our family through,

and...

[sighs]

I miss you.

I miss our homes.

I miss our kids.

- Well, I wish
you'd considered that

before you made a mockery
of our wedding vows.

- So do I.

I was in pain,

and I acted out
instead of reaching out.

I'm just asking
for a second chance.

- I've already talked to you

more than I promised myself
I would.

I suggest you eat something.

You smell like you have
an eating disorder.

Vanessa, it's good to see you.

- Thanks, you too.

This purse is cool.

- Oh, thanks,
it's one of my designs.

Uh, the logo is on the inside.
We're transcending labels.

Actually, you should have it.

- Me?

Really?

- Sure.

- That's really nice.

- Oh, wow.

That is doing wonders
for you already.

It really amplifies
your "inner-light,"

as Joy Green would say.

- Wait, is that
the "Joy Manifesto" lady?

I keep hearing about that.
- Yeah, you want my copy?

I've got ten more at home.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

Happy Yom Kippur, you guys.
- Thanks.

- Brooke, may I offer you
a bagel or some kugel?

- Jill, I'm not an animal,

but I did want you to know

that I also spent today
reflecting on the past year.

[sighs]
The truth is,

I've been holding
onto some anger

since the troubles,

but...

I forgive you, Jill.

- Okay, but it seems like
you're forgetting that--

- Oh, no.
I don't forget,

but I do forgive,

and now you need
to forgive yourself

for what you put me through.

Can you do that?

- I think I can.

- One, two, three, four.

[rock music]

*

- And pajamas now, kids.

- Has anyone seen Vanessa?

- You okay, babe?
- Yeah, I got a splinter,

and it's,
like, in my blind spot.

I can't--see?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yep.
I see.

It's tiny.
- Ow, ow.

- Ooh, oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- No, it's okay.
Do--do what has to be done.

- Okay, I just--
I don't want to hurt you.

Okay.
- Just swoop in there.

- Yep, okay.
- Just--

- Come on, grow a pair.
Just do it, just do it.

- Oh--I'm doing it.
I'm doing what needs to be done.

[dramatic music]

Oh...
- [grunting]

- Doing it.
Oh, God, oh.

[cringes]
Oh, God, it's bleeding.

It's bleeding.
- Oh, for Chrissake.

If you can't even
pull out a splinter--

- I know.
Who was I kidding?

If you were on life support

and there was
a 0% chance of survival,

I would spend
the rest of my days

scouring the earth trying
to find a cure.

- It's okay.
It's okay.

[paper ripping]

- It takes serious chutzpah

to leave your own break-fast
in the middle of dessert.

- I like to start the New Year
off with something to atone for.

Right off the bat.

Okay, back to Elliot.
Did you finally do it?

- If by "do it" you mean have
sex in your broom closet,

then, yes.

Huge apologies.
- What?

- It started with me
paving the way to a breakup,

I swear, but then
he suddenly turned hot again,

so I just went with it.
The stats are averaging out

to me finding him hot,
like, 65% of the time,

and 35% hiddy.

Is that bad?
- Wait a minute.

Okay, carry the one.
Yep, I have news for you:

that's about how it breaks down
with Andy and me.

Give or take.
- Really?

- Yeah, so maybe...
* Elliot's the one

- Wow, give it a rest.

[upbeat music]

- I hope you'll forgive me

for going with Vanessa
as my plug-puller,

but I needed someone
with a thicker skin.

- I get it.
I get it.

- And I want you to know

I am so happy
to still be your executioner.

- You know, thanks, but I think
I'm gonna go another way.

- Another way?
What does that mean?

- I want extreme measures, babe.
[clears throat]

I don't mind waiting around
for a decade or two

while they come up
with a way to revive me,

so for my plug-puller,

I'm going with Frank
from the gym.

- Wait, Frank,
the guy with the gappy teeth?

- Yep.

Love you.

[dramatic music]

- [grunts]

[exhales]
That's better.

I love you too.

[rock music]

For more "Odd Mom Out,"
go to Bravotv.com.

[seagulls cawing]
- Oh, dear.

- Left, right, left, right
left, right.