Original subtitles

- Next is a Bravo scripted original series.

- Last season on "Odd Mom Out"...

- This from Dottie.

"My mommy loves tattoos,

"underwear dance parties,

and bad words."

- Oh, shit.

[rock music]

It's my sister-in-law. I can't escape her.

- Just promise me you will not turn

into one of those freaky mom-bots.

[water splatters] - Oh, shit.

[groaning] - One more push.

- I can't do it! - Yes, you can!

You are an Olympian!

[baby cries] - Jill...

from now on, we have to stick together.

- You are wasting your life at that white-shoe law firm.

You should come work for Hercules.

- Lex-- - What the--

- Oh! - Lex is cheating on Brooke

with his assistant Ella.

- [gasps]

- Did you say something?

- Next time, keep it in your pants.

I quit. all: [gasp]

- I'm sorry your husband cheated on you,

but you manipulated me

the way you manipulate everyone to get your way.

- [grunts] - [yelps]

all: [gasp]

- [exhales sharply]

- It is so funny to bump into you here.

- I know. I can't believe it.

- So how was your summer? - Not good.

We did a gut job on the house on Gin Lane,

but it wasn't ready in time.

So we had to stay in a $50,000 rental next door,

but now my contractor isn't speaking to my architect

who isn't speaking to my decorator.

It's like civil war.

- Ooh, I think I found one.

Holy Neptune's nutsack!

Oh, my God, steamrollered boobage.

I can't look at it!

Oh, my God, has anyone's nipple ever exploded?

No, wait, don't tell me. No, tell me.

No, don't. Don't.

Are my cans gonna be

smashed beaver tails after this,

or do they go back to melons?

- Ma'am it's very important that

you don't move or talk or breathe.

- Sorry, bad habit.

[machine whirs] Oh, mercy.

Mercy mine.

If guys had to shove their nutsack on this thing

and turn 'em into silver dollar pancakes,

they'd find a better way, am I right?

- Mm-hmm. Time for the other side now.

- What? Is that really necessary?

I have to do the other one?

[quietly] Oh, my God.

*

- * Hey, yes, you know

* I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine *

- Oh, look, it's my boobs.

- To healthy cans. - [chuckles]

And with my family history, that's no small feat.

[tense music]

Oh, my God, sorry,

I keep thinking I'm seeing Brooke.

I have loved this break from her.

Why does it have to end?

- School starts tomorrow, right?

Relax, the woman doused you in fruit punch.

I mean, what else can she do?

- She could throw one of her handbags at me.

- Oh, my God, is she still making those?

Come on. - She keeps posting pictures

of her trunk shows in the Cramptons.

Her friends are actually paying for her original designs.

- Ah, too good.

Here's what you're gonna do next time you see her.

- I already told you.

I can't call her the gold medalist

in the Asshole Olympics.

Andy's making me take the high road.

- Fine, but I went to this empowerment workshop

the other day for female physicians--

- Aka doctors without penises. - Exactly.

And it's all about power-posing to command respect.

You've gotta take up an obnoxious amount of space.

Like this...

- Okay, thanks, Linda Carter.

- Or even better, this...

Key is to communicate dominance.

- Can you sit down?

Your dominance is starting to freak me out.

- Oh, and you can do it at the magazine.

Aren't you meeting with your old assistant today?

- Yes, but she's senior photo editor now.

It's gonna be so weird to be back there.

So many skeletons. - Literally.

You were, like, the fat chick there.

- [laughs] And, of course,

Trixie's still in charge, sucking up people's souls

like a DustBuster,

but I guess I have to "network"

if I want to jump start my career.

- Well, it's "about time."

[car horn honks]

- * Let the river run *

* Let all the dreamers wake the nation *

[horns honking]

- Daddy, are you unemployed?

- No, Miles, I am on what is called a sabbatical,

which means we get to do a bunch of fun stuff,

and then I start my new job in January.

But today, we are gonna go to the zoo, the boat pond,

then we're gonna water taxi over to Red Hook.

- But are we ever seeing Uncle Lex again?

- What? Um, of course.

Sure, yeah. Actually, you know what?

Uncle Lex's new place is right by the subway.

Why don't we stop there first and cheer him up?

- Oh, my God, the lamp.

I can't believe you still have that.

- Oh, and I risked everything smuggling it in here.

There is an actual tchotchke limit now,

but you gave it to me

and you're still my favorite boss.

- Oh, Kate, that means so much to me.

This stay-at-home mom thing has gotten so old.

- Yeah, but at least you got off the hamster wheel

long enough to get a personal life.

- Oh, I'm--I'm so grateful for my kids, of course--

- Oh, I meant your husband. - Oh, him too.

I'm not complaining. I'm just--

- Don't listen to me.

I am just so fried

after fashion week.

There have been so many layoffs,

morale is in the shitter.

- I've been hearing. - Don't worry.

We are still hiring photographers,

and I'm about to sit down with Trixie,

so if you're serious,

I'll get her to rubberstamp a few gigs

I think you'd be perfect for.

- Really? Like, now?

- Totally.

Take my ID, go to the caf,

put anything you want on it, and be greedy.

When you get back, we'll get down do brass tacks.

- Thank you. This is so exciting.

I worship thee! - Aww.

- Building a shrine. - Aww.

*

- The first von Weber line, "Palm Bitch,"

was about embracing entitlement.

It took inspiration from Slim Aarons photographs,

toddlers in lederhosen, and attitude.

As you know, our South Hampton trunk show sold out in one day.

- Obviously, you've touched on something.

- Mm, I have.

And my fall collection is all centered on one thing,

decadence.

- Decadence is the new excess. - It's trending.

- J'neece is in charge

of von Weber's urban markets.

Like so many cutting-edge corporations,

we've made diversity a top priority.

J'neece is our not-so-secret weapon.

- Yes.

It's Janice.

- To me, decadence is

coming home after a black-tie affair,

kicking off your stilettos,

unzipping your velvet dress by the fire,

and reminding yourself it was for charity.

You earned it.

- I like it.

It's feminine, yet muscular.

As you know, Trixie, men have always

been seeking pleasure

at all costs.

It's our turn.

*

- I'm giddy!

It went so well,

I didn't even need the power-poses,

and Andy's having a great day with the kids.

- That's amazing.

[tense music]

- Ugh, freaking Brooke-a-likes everywhere.

- Brooke wouldn't be downtown.

She gets nosebleeds south of 57th Street.

- You're so right.

Vaness, no more shooting

toddler birthday parties.

* I'm going back to the newsstands *

- Yes, Weber!

Yay!

- Listen, Miles, if you pull your pants down one more time

we are going home.

- Mini-Webs!

- Uncle Lex! - Hi!

- Hey, what'd you guys do,

take Miracle Grow over the summer, huh?

Hey, there's a deluxe Foosball over there.

- No, me first! - Go check it out.

[both shouting]

So... good to see you, man.

- Yeah. That's new.

Mom seen that?

- Yeah, she hates it.

She'll never understand what I've been through.

From the moment I got to Man Camp,

things just started to shift for me.

- Right, sure.

- By the time I got to Burning Man,

I was just open.

- Yeah, no, you touched on that in your email diaries, right.

- So, are we good?

Because I'm happy

to hash things out with you again.

Unpack. - No, no, not necessary.

We're--it's all--I'm just glad you're hanging in there.

Found a nice place to live. - Better than nice, dude.

Bunch of my YPO buddies are here.

My old boss from Goldman,

the guy who invented Uber for hot tubs.

- [chuckles] - They're all between marriages.

Hey, we should hit up the golf simulator.

Throw the kids in the rec room. Fully staffed 24/7.

- I wish; This is my last full day

with the kids.

We got a lot planned.

I'm just glad you're doing okay.

I was worried.

- No need. I'm fine.

- Miles keeps picking his nose and wiping his boogies on us!

- Okay. See ya.

- Daddy, come and look at me.

- Get off of me or I swear to God...

- Have fun.

- Hello.

[rock music]

- This is declined. - Seriously?

That's weird. That's okay, I have cash.

- We don't take cash. - You don't take cash?

Who doesn't take cash?

Um, can I do an IOU? Personal check?

Bitcoin?

- No, way! Jill Kaplan.

- Amy. - No way.

- It's for my kids.

- Oh, no, no, no, no. Elizabeth left.

She went to Harper's Bazaar,

and Trixie literally kicked her in the cooter

when she found out.

And now there's a whole lawsuit pending,

so I can't say much.

- How does Elizabeth still have a job?

- I don't know.

- Well, look who's back from the dead.

- Richard! How are you?

- Oh, that dress is gor-gina.

- Oh, my God, Man-orexia. - Oh, what about Aims here?

- Me? Richard, you're my birth weight.

- You make Amal Clooney look like she needs gastric bypass.

- You're Karen Carpenter.

- Karen Carpenter climbed out of her coffin,

looked at you and was so jealous

she popped a laxative and crawled back in.

- I'm obsessed with you. Are you not obsessed?

- Obsessed.

That day that Trixie

threw a stapler at my head,

he still managed to make me laugh.

- But you got out.

I'm in therapy three times a week.

- Well, actually, I might be doing some work

for the magazine again.

Kate's hooking me up with some freelance gigs.

- Kate Cooper?

When did you meet with her? - Just now.

She's the one who lent me her meal card.

Why? - Oh, no reason.

Okay, I've gotta yell at Fiona for taking my J. Mendel samples.

- And I totally have to go with you.

It was really good seeing you, Jill.

- Oh--oh, thanks for the snacks.

- [mouthing]

*

- Are you sure it's okay, to leave 'em in the kids' lounge?

- Yeah, it's kid heaven.

Everybody wins.

What? Were they being little shits?

- [exhales]

I just need about a half hour to decompress.

- That's not enough time.

I just booked an 80 minute Thai-yoga massage.

You gotta join me. - I better not.

I--at the very least, I gotta get 'em to the zoo.

- Dude, you're shadowboxing against a dead guy.

Dad was never around emotionally or physically,

so now you're over-compensating.

Okay?

So let's go get a massage.

- Oh, my God.

Kate, what's going on?

- I'm out. I got shit-canned.

- No way. I am so sorry.

It wasn't the lamp, was it?

- [crying] No.

- Oh, God. Well, I-I should just--

- I gave this place my 20s, and my 30s.

I have no husband, no kids, no sex life.

I have GI problems round the clock.

Diarrhea or constipation, nothing in between,

and I'm losing my hair.

This. This isn't real.

I have to clip it on every day. And for what?

[grunts]

Oh, and I brought your name up,

by the way, to Trixie... [scoffs and sniffles]

You should have seen her face.

- Really? What kind of face?

- Oh, my God, I just signed a lease on that apartment

that I could barely afford on this crappy salary.

[gasps]

- Look, well, you are a goddess to mention me to Trixie.

Um, should I-- like, is there anyone

I should follow up with or...

- You know what, I am just so grateful

that you came in today.

I could really use a drink right now.

- Oh, sure. Okay.

Let me just run to the bathroom and make a quick call.

My husband has the kids. - Okay.

- Okay.

- [sobbing]

- [screaming] - [moaning]

[soft music]

- Oh, yeah.

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

[rock music]

*

- High road, high road, high road.

- Hi.

- Jill.

- Simone, you're blonder.

- Summer sun. [dog barks]

- And you have a dog.

- It's a therapy dog to help cure my narcissism.

I was diagnosed in June.

- Oh, well, I'm glad you're getting help.

Hi, Stephanie. - Hi.

- And we haven't met yet. I'm Jill.

- Janice.

- J'neece is bringing

an urban perspective to my label.

We were just meeting with the fashion editors

about my new line.

It's very exciting.

What brings you here?

- I used to work here, actually.

An old friend is hiring me for some photo shoots.

I'm getting back in the game.

- Jill, I'm not even getting an exit interview.

[sniffling] They just confiscated my ID.

- Um, can I meet you in the lobby?

It'll just take a minute. - Okay.

[crying]

- Yikes.

Guys, can you give us a minute?

- Sure thing.

- So, Brooke, I just wanted to say--

- Are you power-posing?

No, that's over. It's all about eye contact now.

- Oh.

Well, anyway, I just wanted to say--

- Jill, you and I had a hard moment,

but we're family, so I'm taking the high road,

and I invite you to join me.

- I'm pretty sure that if you say you're taking the high road,

you're automatically not on the high road.

- Yet, somehow, I've managed to do both.

- You may be on the high road, but I was already on it,

and it's, like, a one-lane thing.

- [scoffs] Sweetie,

as the "Joy Manifesto" says,

"Forward is upward."

Thanks to "Joy" I have manifested

an entirely new philosophy.

Women need to stick together to demand equal pay,

equal rights, equal everything.

It's what I am calling "Shedonism."

- You mean Feminism.

- Ew, no, I wax down there.

Guys, I'm gonna have to meet you in the lobby.

J'neece is such a breath of fresh air.

I didn't want my company to be

as white as the Upper East Side, you know?

- Yeah, but Janice doesn't look--

- It's J'neece,

and I don't see color.

I'll see you at drop-off, Jill.

[cell phone buzzing]

- Who the hell keeps calling me? Hello?

- Hi, this is Kelly from daycare.

We're having some behavior issues with your son.

You need to come pick him up.

- Sorry, my son's not in daycare.

I think you have the wrong number.

- Is that who I think it is?

*

Jill, were you really going to come all the way down here

and not say hello?

- Of course not.

- My last assistant was worse.

I would look at her and she would cry.

I would yell at her and she would cry.

I would hit her and she would cry.

These millennials, they're made of glass.

Sack up. I'm not running a nursery.

- Seriously. What is their problem.

[both laugh softly] [cell phone buzzes]

- Hello, it's Kelly from the daycare center.

- Sorry, sorry sorry. - It's about your--

- So tell me, Jill, did you end up keeping the baby.

- Uh, yeah, we'd been trying for two years,

and I had two more, actually.

- Three children? Oh, Jill, what a waste.

No wonder you dropped off the map.

- Um, well, I'm actually getting back into the photography thing,

so I hope you'll keep me in mind for any work that comes up.

[cell phone buzzes]

- Jill, I'm tired of sugar-coating everything

with you; may I be candid?

When I think of you, which isn't very often,

I think of an A-plus student.

You fulfilled every assignment,

and wrapped everything in neat little bows.

- I do have a thing for bows.

- But your work was safe.

It had no teeth or balls, really.

Which always puzzled me

because you're obviously a colorful person,

but that moxie never showed up in the work.

[cell phone buzzing]

You wanna get that?

Answering phones was always one of your strengths.

- [quietly] Hello?

- And downstairs, there's a pool,

tennis bubble,

and screening room

with a classic film series this month.

"Caddyshack" is playing tonight.

- I can see why you never want to leave.

Can I get divorced? [chuckles]

Sorry, I'm--actually, I should check in with Jill.

- Yeah, that's good. [clears throat]

It's cool you still have a wife you can check in on.

- You okay, Lex?

- Yeah, no, um... [clears throat]

I'm not.

I send Brooke flowers at least once a day.

She never accepts them.

She blocked me on Facebook.

I'm all alone here.

- Brooke will come around.

She will, and until then, try to enjoy all of this

for both of us.

- Good-bye, Jasper. Good-bye, Atticus.

See you in two Wednesdays.

We'll go to Fred's at Barneys for that truffle pizza you like.

Daddy loves you.

- Is your boo-boo better, angel?

I'm gonna put my lips to the screen for a kiss,

and you put your lips to the screen.

- I have to get the kids.

Everybody's gone. Where are my kids?

I lost the kids. Jill's gonna rip me a new--

- There you are. - Where're my children?

Are they okay? - Yes, everyone's fine.

They're with their mother. - No!

That's almost worse than if they'd been abducted.

- Oh, well, your son had some impulse control issues

and when we couldn't reach either of you,

your daughter gave us your ex's number.

- My ex? No, she's not my ex.

Did she say she's my ex?

- No, I just assumed.

- [exhales] - Dude, you're in trouble.

Movie night starts at 8:00, if you need a place to crash.

*

- Okay, you can be mad at me forever,

just please don't divorce me.

- Yeah, I'm over it. - Really?

But you had to leave a Trixie meeting because of me.

- Can you believe she said my work had no balls?

- Has she met you? Your balls have balls.

- Honestly, I was secretly relieved

that you needed a break from the kids too.

- Are you kidding?

At one point in the day,

I realized I hated all of them.

- [laughs softly] Welcome to motherhood, honey.

- Yeah.

Mm.

- Say it again.

- Our kids are incredibly annoying.

- More.

- I wanted to put them

in three tiny straightjackets.

[cell phone ringing]

[sighs] - Oh, this'll just be a minute.

Hi. - Take your time.

I'm already asleep.

Night, Vanessa. - Okay, where were we?

- You'd just gotten up to Brooke's new acolyte.

- Right!

Okay, I know this is

gonna sound weird, but I get the feeling

that Brooke thinks she has a new black friend.

- She doesn't? - Oh, no, she has a new friend.

I met her, but I'm pretty sure she's just a white chick

who doesn't Keratin.

- [laughs]

- Okay, Vaness, in exactly eight hours,

I'm dropping off all my kids at real, full-time school.

Finally, I'm done. I'm done with diapers.

I'm done with sippy cups. I'm done.

- You realize they're not going to boarding school, right?

- Vaness, this is why you have to have kids,

so you can experience the jubilation

of handing them off to other people.

- [laughs]

- I feel like I've been running a marathon,

and now I'm at the finish line.

- Mazel.

- * Going back to school again

[Bill Conti's "Gonna Fly Now"]

*

[cheers and applause]

[cell phone ringing]

- Hello? - Mrs. Weber?

You forgot the doctor's forms.

- I forgot what? - The medical forms.

Hazel can't start school without it.

She's waiting here in the administrative office.

- Be right there.

- For more "Odd Mom Out" go to Bravotv.com.

[seagulls cawing] - Oh, dear.

- Left, right, left, right, left, right!