All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S02E01_English

- Next is a Bravo
scripted original series.

- Last season
on "Odd Mom Out"...

- This from Dottie.

"My mommy loves tattoos,

"underwear dance parties,

and bad words."

- Oh, shit.

[rock music]

It's my sister-in-law.
I can't escape her.

- Just promise me
you will not turn

into one of those
freaky mom-bots.

[water splatters]
- Oh, shit.

[groaning]
- One more push.

- I can't do it!
- Yes, you can!

You are an Olympian!

[baby cries]
- Jill...

from now on,
we have to stick together.

- You are wasting your life
at that white-shoe law firm.

You should come work
for Hercules.

- Lex--
- What the--

- Oh!
- Lex is cheating on Brooke

with his assistant Ella.

- [gasps]

- Did you say something?

- Next time,
keep it in your pants.

I quit.
all: [gasp]

- I'm sorry your
husband cheated on you,

but you manipulated me

the way you manipulate
everyone to get your way.

- [grunts]
- [yelps]

all: [gasp]

- [exhales sharply]

- It is so funny
to bump into you here.

- I know.
I can't believe it.

- So how was your summer?
- Not good.

We did a gut job on the house
on Gin Lane,

but it wasn't ready
in time.

So we had to stay in
a $50,000 rental next door,

but now my contractor isn't
speaking to my architect

who isn't speaking
to my decorator.

It's like civil war.

- Ooh, I think I found one.

Holy Neptune's nutsack!

Oh, my God,
steamrollered boobage.

I can't look at it!

Oh, my God, has anyone's nipple
ever exploded?

No, wait, don't tell me.
No, tell me.

No, don't.
Don't.

Are my cans gonna be

smashed beaver tails after this,

or do they go back to melons?

- Ma'am it's very important
that

you don't move
or talk or breathe.

- Sorry, bad habit.

[machine whirs]
Oh, mercy.

Mercy mine.

If guys had to shove
their nutsack on this thing

and turn 'em
into silver dollar pancakes,

they'd find a better way,
am I right?

- Mm-hmm.
Time for the other side now.

- What?
Is that really necessary?

I have to do the other one?

[quietly]
Oh, my God.

*

- * Hey, yes, you know

* I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine *

- Oh, look, it's my boobs.

- To healthy cans.
- [chuckles]

And with my family history,
that's no small feat.

[tense music]

Oh, my God, sorry,

I keep thinking
I'm seeing Brooke.

I have loved
this break from her.

Why does it have to end?

- School starts tomorrow, right?

Relax, the woman doused you
in fruit punch.

I mean, what else can she do?

- She could throw
one of her handbags at me.

- Oh, my God,
is she still making those?

Come on.
- She keeps posting pictures

of her trunk shows
in the Cramptons.

Her friends are actually paying
for her original designs.

- Ah, too good.

Here's what you're gonna do next
time you see her.

- I already told you.

I can't call her
the gold medalist

in the Asshole Olympics.

Andy's making me
take the high road.

- Fine, but I went to
this empowerment workshop

the other day
for female physicians--

- Aka doctors without penises.
- Exactly.

And it's all about power-posing
to command respect.

You've gotta take up
an obnoxious amount of space.

Like this...

- Okay, thanks, Linda Carter.

- Or even better, this...

Key is to communicate dominance.

- Can you sit down?

Your dominance is starting
to freak me out.

- Oh, and you can do it
at the magazine.

Aren't you meeting
with your old assistant today?

- Yes, but she's
senior photo editor now.

It's gonna be so weird
to be back there.

So many skeletons.
- Literally.

You were, like,
the fat chick there.

- [laughs]
And, of course,

Trixie's still in charge,
sucking up people's souls

like a DustBuster,

but I guess I have to "network"

if I want to
jump start my career.

- Well, it's "about time."

[car horn honks]

- * Let the river run *

* Let all the dreamers
wake the nation *

[horns honking]

- Daddy, are you unemployed?

- No, Miles, I am on what
is called a sabbatical,

which means we get
to do a bunch of fun stuff,

and then I start my new job
in January.

But today, we are gonna go
to the zoo, the boat pond,

then we're gonna water taxi
over to Red Hook.

- But are we ever seeing
Uncle Lex again?

- What?
Um, of course.

Sure, yeah.
Actually, you know what?

Uncle Lex's new place is
right by the subway.

Why don't we stop there first
and cheer him up?

- Oh, my God, the lamp.

I can't believe
you still have that.

- Oh, and I risked everything
smuggling it in here.

There is an actual
tchotchke limit now,

but you gave it to me

and you're still
my favorite boss.

- Oh, Kate, that means
so much to me.

This stay-at-home mom thing
has gotten so old.

- Yeah, but at least you got off
the hamster wheel

long enough to get
a personal life.

- Oh, I'm--I'm so grateful
for my kids, of course--

- Oh, I meant your husband.
- Oh, him too.

I'm not complaining.
I'm just--

- Don't listen to me.

I am just so fried

after fashion week.

There have been so many layoffs,

morale is in the shitter.

- I've been hearing.
- Don't worry.

We are still hiring
photographers,

and I'm about
to sit down with Trixie,

so if you're serious,

I'll get her to rubberstamp
a few gigs

I think you'd be perfect for.

- Really?
Like, now?

- Totally.

Take my ID, go to the caf,

put anything you want on it,
and be greedy.

When you get back,
we'll get down do brass tacks.

- Thank you.
This is so exciting.

I worship thee!
- Aww.

- Building a shrine.
- Aww.

*

- The first von Weber line,
"Palm Bitch,"

was about embracing entitlement.

It took inspiration
from Slim Aarons photographs,

toddlers in lederhosen,
and attitude.

As you know, our South Hampton
trunk show sold out in one day.

- Obviously,
you've touched on something.

- Mm, I have.

And my fall collection is
all centered on one thing,

decadence.

- Decadence is the new excess.
- It's trending.

- J'neece is in charge

of von Weber's urban markets.

Like so many cutting-edge
corporations,

we've made diversity
a top priority.

J'neece is our
not-so-secret weapon.

- Yes.

It's Janice.

- To me, decadence is

coming home after
a black-tie affair,

kicking off your stilettos,

unzipping your velvet dress
by the fire,

and reminding yourself
it was for charity.

You earned it.

- I like it.

It's feminine, yet muscular.

As you know, Trixie,
men have always

been seeking pleasure

at all costs.

It's our turn.

*

- I'm giddy!

It went so well,

I didn't even need
the power-poses,

and Andy's having
a great day with the kids.

- That's amazing.

[tense music]

- Ugh, freaking Brooke-a-likes
everywhere.

- Brooke wouldn't be downtown.

She gets nosebleeds
south of 57th Street.

- You're so right.

Vaness, no more shooting

toddler birthday parties.

* I'm going back
to the newsstands *

- Yes, Weber!

Yay!

- Listen, Miles, if you pull
your pants down one more time

we are going home.

- Mini-Webs!

- Uncle Lex!
- Hi!

- Hey, what'd you guys do,

take Miracle Grow
over the summer, huh?

Hey, there's a deluxe Foosball
over there.

- No, me first!
- Go check it out.

[both shouting]

So...
good to see you, man.

- Yeah.
That's new.

Mom seen that?

- Yeah, she hates it.

She'll never understand
what I've been through.

From the moment I got
to Man Camp,

things just started
to shift for me.

- Right, sure.

- By the time
I got to Burning Man,

I was just open.

- Yeah, no, you touched on that
in your email diaries, right.

- So, are we good?

Because I'm happy

to hash things out
with you again.

Unpack.
- No, no, not necessary.

We're--it's all--I'm just glad
you're hanging in there.

Found a nice place to live.
- Better than nice, dude.

Bunch of my YPO buddies
are here.

My old boss from Goldman,

the guy who invented
Uber for hot tubs.

- [chuckles]
- They're all between marriages.

Hey, we should hit up
the golf simulator.

Throw the kids in the rec room.
Fully staffed 24/7.

- I wish;
This is my last full day

with the kids.

We got a lot planned.

I'm just glad you're doing okay.

I was worried.

- No need.
I'm fine.

- Miles keeps picking his nose
and wiping his boogies on us!

- Okay.
See ya.

- Daddy, come and look at me.

- Get off of me
or I swear to God...

- Have fun.

- Hello.

[rock music]

- This is declined.
- Seriously?

That's weird.
That's okay, I have cash.

- We don't take cash.
- You don't take cash?

Who doesn't take cash?

Um, can I do an IOU?
Personal check?

Bitcoin?

- No, way!
Jill Kaplan.

- Amy.
- No way.

- It's for my kids.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Elizabeth left.

She went to Harper's Bazaar,

and Trixie literally kicked her
in the cooter

when she found out.

And now there's
a whole lawsuit pending,

so I can't say much.

- How does Elizabeth
still have a job?

- I don't know.

- Well, look who's back
from the dead.

- Richard!
How are you?

- Oh, that dress is gor-gina.

- Oh, my God, Man-orexia.
- Oh, what about Aims here?

- Me?
Richard, you're my birth weight.

- You make Amal Clooney look
like she needs gastric bypass.

- You're Karen Carpenter.

- Karen Carpenter climbed
out of her coffin,

looked at you and was so jealous

she popped a laxative
and crawled back in.

- I'm obsessed with you.
Are you not obsessed?

- Obsessed.

That day that Trixie

threw a stapler at my head,

he still managed
to make me laugh.

- But you got out.

I'm in therapy
three times a week.

- Well, actually,
I might be doing some work

for the magazine again.

Kate's hooking me up
with some freelance gigs.

- Kate Cooper?

When did you meet with her?
- Just now.

She's the one
who lent me her meal card.

Why?
- Oh, no reason.

Okay, I've gotta yell at Fiona
for taking my J. Mendel samples.

- And I totally have
to go with you.

It was really good seeing you,
Jill.

- Oh--oh, thanks for the snacks.

- [mouthing]

*

- Are you sure it's okay, to
leave 'em in the kids' lounge?

- Yeah, it's kid heaven.

Everybody wins.

What?
Were they being little shits?

- [exhales]

I just need about a half hour
to decompress.

- That's not enough time.

I just booked an 80 minute
Thai-yoga massage.

You gotta join me.
- I better not.

I--at the very least,
I gotta get 'em to the zoo.

- Dude, you're shadowboxing
against a dead guy.

Dad was never around
emotionally or physically,

so now you're over-compensating.

Okay?

So let's go get a massage.

- Oh, my God.

Kate, what's going on?

- I'm out.
I got shit-canned.

- No way.
I am so sorry.

It wasn't the lamp, was it?

- [crying]
No.

- Oh, God.
Well, I-I should just--

- I gave this place my 20s,
and my 30s.

I have no husband, no kids,
no sex life.

I have GI problems
round the clock.

Diarrhea or constipation,
nothing in between,

and I'm losing my hair.

This.
This isn't real.

I have to clip it on every day.
And for what?

[grunts]

Oh, and I brought your name up,

by the way, to Trixie...
[scoffs and sniffles]

You should have seen her face.

- Really?
What kind of face?

- Oh, my God, I just signed
a lease on that apartment

that I could barely afford
on this crappy salary.

[gasps]

- Look, well, you are a goddess
to mention me to Trixie.

Um, should I--
like, is there anyone

I should follow up with or...

- You know what,
I am just so grateful

that you came in today.

I could really use a drink
right now.

- Oh, sure.
Okay.

Let me just run to the bathroom
and make a quick call.

My husband has the kids.
- Okay.

- Okay.

- [sobbing]

- [screaming]
- [moaning]

[soft music]

- Oh, yeah.

[indistinct chatter
and laughter]

[rock music]

*

- High road, high road,
high road.

- Hi.

- Jill.

- Simone, you're blonder.

- Summer sun.
[dog barks]

- And you have a dog.

- It's a therapy dog
to help cure my narcissism.

I was diagnosed in June.

- Oh, well,
I'm glad you're getting help.

Hi, Stephanie.
- Hi.

- And we haven't met yet.
I'm Jill.

- Janice.

- J'neece is bringing

an urban perspective
to my label.

We were just meeting
with the fashion editors

about my new line.

It's very exciting.

What brings you here?

- I used to work here,
actually.

An old friend is hiring me
for some photo shoots.

I'm getting back in the game.

- Jill, I'm not even getting
an exit interview.

[sniffling]
They just confiscated my ID.

- Um, can I meet you
in the lobby?

It'll just take a minute.
- Okay.

[crying]

- Yikes.

Guys, can you give us a minute?

- Sure thing.

- So, Brooke,
I just wanted to say--

- Are you power-posing?

No, that's over.
It's all about eye contact now.

- Oh.

Well, anyway,
I just wanted to say--

- Jill, you and I had
a hard moment,

but we're family,
so I'm taking the high road,

and I invite you to join me.

- I'm pretty sure that if you
say you're taking the high road,

you're automatically not
on the high road.

- Yet, somehow,
I've managed to do both.

- You may be on the high road,
but I was already on it,

and it's, like,
a one-lane thing.

- [scoffs]
Sweetie,

as the "Joy Manifesto" says,

"Forward is upward."

Thanks to "Joy"
I have manifested

an entirely new philosophy.

Women need to stick together
to demand equal pay,

equal rights,
equal everything.

It's what I am calling
"Shedonism."

- You mean Feminism.

- Ew, no, I wax down there.

Guys, I'm gonna have
to meet you in the lobby.

J'neece is such
a breath of fresh air.

I didn't want my company to be

as white as the Upper East Side,
you know?

- Yeah,
but Janice doesn't look--

- It's J'neece,

and I don't see color.

I'll see you at drop-off, Jill.

[cell phone buzzing]

- Who the hell keeps calling me?
Hello?

- Hi, this is Kelly
from daycare.

We're having some
behavior issues with your son.

You need to come pick him up.

- Sorry, my son's not
in daycare.

I think you have
the wrong number.

- Is that who I think it is?

*

Jill, were you really going
to come all the way down here

and not say hello?

- Of course not.

- My last assistant was worse.

I would look at her
and she would cry.

I would yell at her
and she would cry.

I would hit her
and she would cry.

These millennials,
they're made of glass.

Sack up.
I'm not running a nursery.

- Seriously.
What is their problem.

[both laugh softly]
[cell phone buzzes]

- Hello, it's Kelly
from the daycare center.

- Sorry, sorry sorry.
- It's about your--

- So tell me, Jill,
did you end up keeping the baby.

- Uh, yeah, we'd been trying
for two years,

and I had two more, actually.

- Three children?
Oh, Jill, what a waste.

No wonder you
dropped off the map.

- Um, well, I'm actually getting
back into the photography thing,

so I hope you'll keep me in mind
for any work that comes up.

[cell phone buzzes]

- Jill, I'm tired of
sugar-coating everything

with you;
may I be candid?

When I think of you,
which isn't very often,

I think of an A-plus student.

You fulfilled every assignment,

and wrapped everything
in neat little bows.

- I do have a thing for bows.

- But your work was safe.

It had no teeth or balls,
really.

Which always puzzled me

because you're obviously
a colorful person,

but that moxie never showed up
in the work.

[cell phone buzzing]

You wanna get that?

Answering phones was always
one of your strengths.

- [quietly]
Hello?

- And downstairs,
there's a pool,

tennis bubble,

and screening room

with a classic film series
this month.

"Caddyshack" is playing tonight.

- I can see
why you never want to leave.

Can I get divorced?
[chuckles]

Sorry, I'm--actually,
I should check in with Jill.

- Yeah, that's good.
[clears throat]

It's cool you still have
a wife you can check in on.

- You okay, Lex?

- Yeah, no, um...
[clears throat]

I'm not.

I send Brooke flowers
at least once a day.

She never accepts them.

She blocked me on Facebook.

I'm all alone here.

- Brooke will come around.

She will, and until then,
try to enjoy all of this

for both of us.

- Good-bye, Jasper.
Good-bye, Atticus.

See you in two Wednesdays.

We'll go to Fred's at Barneys
for that truffle pizza you like.

Daddy loves you.

- Is your boo-boo better, angel?

I'm gonna put my lips
to the screen for a kiss,

and you put your lips
to the screen.

- I have to get the kids.

Everybody's gone.
Where are my kids?

I lost the kids.
Jill's gonna rip me a new--

- There you are.
- Where're my children?

Are they okay?
- Yes, everyone's fine.

They're with their mother.
- No!

That's almost worse
than if they'd been abducted.

- Oh, well, your son had
some impulse control issues

and when we couldn't reach
either of you,

your daughter gave us
your ex's number.

- My ex?
No, she's not my ex.

Did she say she's my ex?

- No, I just assumed.

- [exhales]
- Dude, you're in trouble.

Movie night starts at 8:00,
if you need a place to crash.

*

- Okay, you can be
mad at me forever,

just please don't divorce me.

- Yeah, I'm over it.
- Really?

But you had to leave
a Trixie meeting because of me.

- Can you believe she said
my work had no balls?

- Has she met you?
Your balls have balls.

- Honestly,
I was secretly relieved

that you needed a break
from the kids too.

- Are you kidding?

At one point in the day,

I realized I hated all of them.

- [laughs softly]
Welcome to motherhood, honey.

- Yeah.

Mm.

- Say it again.

- Our kids are
incredibly annoying.

- More.

- I wanted to put them

in three tiny
straightjackets.

[cell phone ringing]

[sighs]
- Oh, this'll just be a minute.

Hi.
- Take your time.

I'm already asleep.

Night, Vanessa.
- Okay, where were we?

- You'd just gotten up
to Brooke's new acolyte.

- Right!

Okay, I know this is

gonna sound weird,
but I get the feeling

that Brooke thinks she
has a new black friend.

- She doesn't?
- Oh, no, she has a new friend.

I met her, but I'm pretty sure
she's just a white chick

who doesn't Keratin.

- [laughs]

- Okay, Vaness,
in exactly eight hours,

I'm dropping off all my kids
at real, full-time school.

Finally, I'm done.
I'm done with diapers.

I'm done with sippy cups.
I'm done.

- You realize they're not going
to boarding school, right?

- Vaness, this is why you have
to have kids,

so you can experience
the jubilation

of handing them off
to other people.

- [laughs]

- I feel like
I've been running a marathon,

and now I'm at the finish line.

- Mazel.

- * Going back to school again

[Bill Conti's "Gonna Fly Now"]

*

[cheers and applause]

[cell phone ringing]

- Hello?
- Mrs. Weber?

You forgot the doctor's forms.

- I forgot what?
- The medical forms.

Hazel can't start school
without it.

She's waiting here
in the administrative office.

- Be right there.

- For more "Odd Mom Out" go
to Bravotv.com.

[seagulls cawing]
- Oh, dear.

- Left, right,
left, right, left, right!