All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S01E10_English

is a Bravo scripted

original series.

Oh, my God!

(female announcer)
Previously on Odd Mom Out...

It's my sister-in-law.

Jill, I'm seeing you
at my NACHO kickoff event,

New Yorkers
Against Childhood Obesity.

Just promise me
you will not turn into

one of those freaky Mom-bots.

If I ever say that I'm going to
a $3,000 a plate hat luncheon

with the ladies,
you have my permission to--

Shoot you?

[liquid splashing]

Oh, sháá.

Siri, how do I
deliver a baby?

I can't, I can't do it.

Yes you can,
you are an Olympian!

[baby crying]

Jill, from now on,
we have to stick together.

So, where were we?

(all)
AIDS.

(man on phone)
You are wasting your life
at that white shoe law firm.

You should come work
for Hercules.

- Hi.
- You made it.

This is Jillian.

Hi.

I have good news.

You are going to
vice chair my NACHO gala.

Don't hate me,

but the NACHO gala is
the same night as your party.

- Lex, hey, I got some--
- Oh, yeah, oh yeah.

What the? Oh!

- Jill?
- Hi.

You've had your head so far up
your sister-in-law's ass,

you're turning
into one of them.

♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪

♪ I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine ♪

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

♪ My, my, my,
how you have grown ♪

♪ Since I saw you last ♪

♪ You were on your own ♪

Happy birthday, Vanessa.

Vanessa?

Vanessa!

[screams]

[gasping]

Oh, my God.

I just had
the worst nightmare.

About what, honey?

I turned into one of
Brooke's sycophants,

and I looked like
a Hefner girlfriend.

and Vanessa totally iced me.

I can't believe it's
her birthday tomorrow

and we're barely speaking.

Yeah, that's--
that's awful.

Are you okay?

I can't sleep.

Holy crap.

There's like an Andy-shaped
sweat stain on the bed.

Was it the chicken curry?

No, and believe me,
you don't wanna know.

You are Frank Lloyd Wrong.
I always wanna know.

Come on.

Tell me.
The truth will set you free.

I promise.

Lexi's cheating on Brooke
with his assistant, Ella.

[breathes heavily]

I told you.

Lex.

Oh, good morning, Andy.

Is that a new haircut?

No. You mind
giving us a minute?

Totes.

I have tried talking
to you as your brother.

Now I am talking to
you as your attorney.

You have opened
this company up

to the mother of all
sexual harrassment suits.

I told you,

it was a one time thing.

And we were just talking.

Okay, here's
what's happening.

You are ending it
with Ella today.

Then you are promoting
her and moving her

to the Shanghai office.

You want to move her to China?

That is cold, dude.

I don't even think
she's Chinese.

That's not the point.

Either she goes
or I go.

(Brooke)
Over here is for the VIP donors.

I want you to get lots
of candids of them.

Ronaldo, the celebrity psychic,

will be doing readings
over there.

Make sure to get him.

Ah, excuse me?

Why is this banner cranberry
and not fuschia?

Take it down,
get a color wheel, fix it.

Anyway, have you written your
speech yet for introducing me?

Ah, no,
I'm better off the cuff.

Jill, you know,
I love your edgy lingo,

but I also hate surprises.

Oh, which reminds me,
I don't want any nipple,

side-boob,
or back fat hanging out.

So I'd like to see
your dress beforehand.

Okie-dokie.

Okay, what's wrong?

You're not cracking any jokes.
It's weird.

Nothing.

I'm just really
sleep deprived.

Wait.

Are you knocked up?

I thought you looked puffy.

- No.
- You can't lie to me.

Jill.

Okay. Okay.

Um, remember when all the kids
were talking about

that real world scary stuff
from the news?

It was my family.
We're the truth fairy.

First of all,

don't scare me
like that.

I thought you had cancer
or had to miss the NACHO gala

or something.

Okay.

I'm glad you were
honest with me.

Because we're family.

And that is why I am going
to unhear what you just told me.

We have each other's
backs now, right?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, birthday Mama.

Psyched for tonight?

Everyone is coming
to Tortilla Flats.

Except Jill,
my best friend.

I'm in a really shitty mood.

Okay, when was the last time
you were sexually active?

Am I a teen patient now?

I think you need
some birthday action.

And if you're not gonna hook up
with Saul from Oncology--

- He's married?
- Very unhappily.

They sleep in separate rooms.

- Eh...
- But fine.

I say you revisit
that Brooklyn guy, Evan?

Elliot.
He was cute.

But then he tried to
sell me an apartment.

That's the upside
to guys in sales.

They aim to please.

For your last sex
in your thirties,

I say sit back
and enjoy the hard sell.

Thank you.

(woman)
No, it's supposed to be great.

It's a juice bar and colonics,
all in one.

I mean, my doctor
never said not to do it.

[phone ringing]

(Vanessa)
Hey.

Finally!
Happy birthday!

(Jill)
Did you get all
my singing messages?

Yeah, I'm between patients,
what's up?

Um, it's just the diner's
closing tonight

and it's your birthday.

Are we still in a fight?

I don't know, but I'm
hating the weirdness too.

Vaness, you know I'm desperate
to celebrate with you.

Really?
So you're coming tonight?

I'm--no, I'm sorry,

I meant I wanted to reserve
you for tomorrow night.

(Jill)
Anywhere in the city.

Gramercy Tavern...
Blue Ribbon?

Hello?

Yeah, I'm here.

Okay, I feel like you're
punishing me for not being able

to make it to your party.

I can't believe we're having
this conversation again.

What planet are we on that
Brooke is now your priority?

Planet Grown-up.

Planet Family Responsibility.

I'm not a grown-up because
I'm not married with kids?

Oh, my God,
that's not what I'm saying.

I meant,
I'm just in a position

that I don't think
you can fully understand.

'Cause I don't have a family?

I thought you
were my family.

I gotta go.

[cheering]

(emcee)
Welcome, everyone, to
the NACHO benefit gala.

Get ready for some freeze frame,
'cause it's 1984

and it's prom night.

What's your favorite
John Hughes movie?

I know mine.

Ladies, together.

Big smile.
Right here.

Great, great.

Jill,
come over.

(emcee)
Our DJ is taking requests
for your favorite 80's songs.

Hi.

Oh, Jill.
Look at you.

Are we Pretty in Pink?

(camerawoman)
Over here, Brooke.

- Great.
- Right here, Jill.

- Jill, Jill, Jill.
- Look right here.

(man)
Oh, it's the Fab Four
over here.

Has anyone seen my husband?

He's supposed to be
in these pictures,

but he just
keeps disappearing.

Um, he's probably with Andy.
Let me go find him.

Ladies, together.
Big smile.

Excuse me, are you
the broker of this listing?

Vanessa.

Um, sorry I never
got back to you.

Oh, don't sweat it.

It was that listing
I sent you, wasn't it?

Mm...

- It was a bad move.
- Kinda turned me off.

Well, you see, real estate
actually turns me on.

Oh, you really
are a kinky dude.

But for the record, I'm not
in the market to buy, so...

Totally get it.

Listen, will you walk around and
just ooh and ah about this place

until I'm done?

On it.

[fake gasp]
Oooh.

[fake gasp]
Ah.

(emcee)
Don't forget the silent auction.

Think of all of those hefty kids
who need hefty donations.

Okay, I already had rea
explosiva 'cause of Vanessa,

but now this whole Lex thing
is making me basically pee

out of my assáááá
round the clock.

I mean, look at him.

He's not only
cheating on his wife,

he's taking advantage
of a young, innocent girl.

It has been taken care of.

Ella is being relocated
to the Shanghai office.

Is she even Chinese?

Darlings!

- Hey.
- Hello.

Hello.

Hi there.
Isn't this exciting.

Mother.

(man)
Hey, Andy.

I was so hoping to meet
your gentleman caller tonight.

Jill, I'm not in
a Tennessee Williams play.

And my lover isn't
exactly a gentleman.

I'm just bummed
he isn't here.

I didn't say
he wasn't here.

[kissing]

Is this how all
your open houses end?

The good ones.

I love the wide plank
hardwood floors.

They're all original.

12 foot 4 inch ceilings.

Marble fireplace.

Yes.

Yes. Keep going.

There's an eat-in kitchen.

State of the art appliances,
newly renovated.

- Subzero fridge?
- Uh-huh.

Good views of the East River.

Newly installed
storm windows.

Heated elevator.

Jesus, don't stop.

Shared roof deck.

It's priced to sell.
They just lowered the asking.

Yeah!

Thank you.

Oh, hi, Jill.

You look great.
Have you seen Brooke?

Ella, what are
you doing here?

Assisting Brooke
for the night.

I just found out
the mayor can't make it.

She's gonna freak.

Wait, I thought you
were moving to China.

No...
And I'm not Chinese, by the way.

My father's Japanese,

my mother's
Russian-Italian-Czech-Polish.

No one ever
guesses that part.

Listen, Ella.

If you were being
put in a position

that is remotely
compromising--so to speak--

I just wanna say,
you have other options.

Oh, God.
You're talking about Lex.

I'm so embarassed.
I know it's super uncool,

but it's more or less over.

"More or less"?

Honestly, I just felt
really bad for him.

Between us, I think
he's having a midlife crisis.

Uh, you do realize he's 32?

I know.

Anyway, it's sweet of you to
worry, but it's totally chill.

I'm fine.

Gotta run.
Brooke needs me.

Andy.

Ella is here.

Assisting Brooke.

What?

I hate being in
the middle of this.

I wish you had never told me.

You practically
beat it out of me.

Yeah, well,
you should've known better.

- I need another drink.
- So do I.

- Are these for grabs?
- Yes.

Thanks.

Okay, I have to go
to the bathroom.

Lose another layer
of stomach lining.

Practice my speech again,

and come up with
Brooke's comic relief.

This is worse
than high school.

(woman)
I heard he advised Koch
and Giuliani.

Mrs. von Weber,
what a night.

Thank you, Ronaldo.

My mother-in-law, Candace,
has been raving about

your superpowers forever.

Uh, I was hoping that you
could give me a quick reading?

Of course.
It would be an honor.

Let's see.

You are a beacon for many.

But you are bathing in
a whirlpool of secrets.

Me?

What kind
of secrets?

I see betrayal...

broken oaths...

bread with a hole
in the center.

That's all I got.

- Okay, but--
- Please, like my Yelp page.

Say "Heathers."

- Jilly Beans.
- Oh, sháá.

I haven't seen you
all night, baby.

How's my sis?

How are you, Lex?

How's your new baby
and your long hours at work?

Making it happen, yeah,
making it happen.

Daily grind.

Mm-hmm.
Such a grind.

I know all about that.

Excuse me.

(emcee)
And now, what you've all
been waiting for,

give a nice, warm welcome
to the NACHO ribbon dancers.

It's so sad, really.

This is the only prom

most of these kids
will ever get asked to.

(emcee)
Tonight we have raised
$1.3 million

for the children of NACHO.

Lex.

Is there something
I should know?

What are you
talking about?

You tell me.

Is there someone else?

Brooke...

Don't be ridiculous.

Who could I possibly find that's
hotter than my Brookey-bear?

That is a good point.

Brooke, you've been
under a lot of stress,

but this event
is a huge success.

Try to enjoy it, huh?

It's your night.

[applause]

All right,
looking thinner already.

So, can I take you
to dinner sometime?

Sure.
How about tonight?

Done.
What're you in the mood for?

Um...Mexican.

There's kinda this thing
I have to go to.

Wanna be my plus one?

Uh, okay.

What is it?

Um...

(all)
Happy birthday!

Hey, everyone.
Sorry I'm late.

This is Elliot.
We just banged.

Whoo-hoo,
yeah, girl.

Those things are real.

Power to you, babe.
Those look great.

Hey, we need to talk.

Uh, yeah,
no kidding.

What the hell is going on?

Jill is being weird to me.

Brooke is cross examining me.

Did you say something?

You don't like it, next time,
keep it in your pants.

Shh. What the--
Shut the hell up.

No, no, you arrogant
little prick.

I have been changing
your diapers since I was 13.

I'm done.
I quit.

You can wipe
your own ass this time.

[disbelieving laughter]
Fine, quit.

The only reason I hired you
in the first place

is because I felt
sorry for you.

Oh.

[crowd gasping]
- Sháá!

You son of a--

[concerned murmuring]

Come on, tough guy,
come on.

You hit like a girl,
you sack of sháá.

Oh, my God.

Guys, guys, break it up.

- You're so dead!
- Anderson!

Back off! This is none
of your business.

That's no way to speak
to your mother.

Thank you, Ronaldo.

Oh, the famous Ronaldo.

Yes.

Ronaldo is my lover.

- What?
- You heard me.

That's right, boys.

Mama's getting her kicks
for once.

And, Anderson, you should
be ashamed of yourself.

All due respect, Mother,
you do not know the whole story.

Oh, are you referring to the
assistant that Lex is bedding?

[crowd gasps]

[microphone feedback]

(Brooke)
No one else, huh, Lex?

I know, I know,
they're fixing the goodie-bags.

Please don't kill me.

What's going on?

Even I could not
have seen this coming.

What're we doing here?

We're dancing, right?

We're having fun.
We're dancing.

Let's dance.

By everyone, actually.

I mean, if Candace
and Andy knew,

then how many
other people knew?

You didn't, right?

You knew?

I'm so sorry.
I didn't know what to do.

It wasn't my place.

Since when do you care
about being appropriate?

You wore black to
all my kids' christenings.

I thought we were friends,

but apparently you just
enjoy humiliating me.

Enjoy it? I have not
slept since I found out.

I have been vomitocious.
It's coming out both ends.

I made you.

You were a creepy, goth,
loner mom with no friends

until I took you under my wing,
and this is how you repay me?

I'm sorry your husband
cheated on you,

but you did not make me.

You manipulated me,

the way you manipulate
everyone to get your way.

You wanted to
hang out with me.

Without me, your only friend
is that poor, barren girl

who lives in the slums.

Are you talking about Vanessa?

Okay, I'm out of here.

And by the way, childhood
obesity is a real problem,

but so is
your bullsháá charity.

[shrieks]

[crowd gasps]

You lunatic!

Don't forget the silent auction,
everyone.

Oh, my God.

Sorry, I couldn't hold back.

No, it's okay.
I'm glad you didn't, sweetie.

It's your family.
Now what?

Honey, we are our family.

And we are gonna be fine.

I love you, Duckie Weber.

I love you, Jill Ringwald.

I would hug you
but you look very sticky.

I know. I have to go.

Of course, go.

Go!

(emcee)
I guess girls really do
just wanna have fun.

[mariachi music]

Please be happy I'm here.

Is this real Jill
or your avatar?

Vaness, I've been
such a dickhole.

Those bitches
aren't my friends.

You and simple carbohydrates
are my only real friends.

I love you.
Can you ever forgive me?

Come here.

You guys, this is
my best friend, Jill.

She just came from a prom.

(all)
Hi, Jill.

Hey, Jill.
Was the prom theme Carrie?

Is it that obvious?

I basically told Brooke
to go "eff" herself

and she didn't
take it very well.

That's the best birthday present
you could have given me.

We were just toasting
the big news.

What news?

Elliot!
Hi.

Hi.

So, something crazy
went down tonight.

Was that something Elliot?

No, well, yes--but also,
something else.

Oh, my God.

I bought an apartment!

In the East Vil,
on the prettiest block.

Oh, my God, mazel tov.

Two beds?

- Nope. One.
- One? But what if?

Forget what ifs.
I can't wait to see it.

I'm so excited.

To Vanessa!

[cheering]

Our last milkshakes here.

And gay bagels.

It's the end of an era.

Well, the good news is,

at this time next week,

all the fembots
will have hopped the shááney,

or Uber-choppered
out to the beach.

It will be a ghost town
here this summer.

There will be tumbleweeds
blowing across Madison Avenue.

I love how you don't
exagerate at all.

Have you been paying attention?

I can't exagerate
anything up here.

It will be like a neutron bomb
just fell on the whole zipcode.

I can't wait to be bored.

You stir up way too much
trouble to ever be bored.

Who, moi?

Hey, I had an idea

for a new shop called "Bloat."

It's a combo milkshake
and colonics bar.

And they take the ice cream
and they just stick it

right in your "ayn."

- Right up there?
- Yeah.

(Jill)
It's a million dollar idea.

It's gonna be on the NASDAQ,
gonna be on the stock ticker.

- B-L-T.
- I love it.

(Jill)
I could be an entrepreneur.

[echoing]
Hello?

Is it September yet?

For more Odd Mom Out,
go to Bravotv.com.

[seagulls squawking]

(child)
Oh, dear.