Original subtitles

(male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series.

[phone chimes]

[upbeat music]

"We are pleased to invite your son, Henry Portman,

to join Collegiate's Kindergarten class."

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

♪ ♪

[women cheering]

♪ ♪

(Marisa) What?

BJ didn't get in?

But I had two trustees call

and one of them built the science lab!

Ugh!

Sháá! Sháá! Sháá!

God damn it!

Aah!

Please be a yes. Please be a yes.

Come on, come on.

Oh, my God!

♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪

♪ I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine ♪

Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth.

Hey, we've got two more rejections from Trinity,

three from Morace Mann.

One hypertensive, one panic attack,

and an antidepressant/diet pill interaction.

[phone ringing] Okay.

You know there's this thing called public school, right?

[sighs]

(Hazel, Dottie, Miles) You've reached Aunt Vanessa. Leave a message!

[beep] Dottie just got into Caldecott!

That's like kiddie-Harvard.

Yay! Yes!

Oh, my God!

Oh, yes, yes.

Call me back.

♪ ♪

Dottie got into Caldecott and Miles got into Olmstead?

That is amazing.

Yeah.

Our girls will be at the same school,

and so will our boys.

Right. I almost forgot.

Anyway, I am so glad that you could be my pick up person.

And remember, nobody knows about the surgery.

Got it. My lips are sealed.

How's your cooter?

My doctor says, I am anatomically a virgin again.

Lex and I really needed this,

if you know what I mean.

I don't, but whatever works.

So, what was going on with Rutherford when I called?

Oh, you are not gonna believe this.

I know Santa isn't real.

The thing I'm most disappointed in is the lying.

What?

Did Shipley or MacCallister tell him?

No, they still believe.

And now Rutherford is demanding a second birthday every year

to keep his mouth shut.

He will go far in this world.

Just what I need.

Three weeks out from NACHO.

You mean two weeks.

No. Three.

Didn't I tell you?

I pushed the date so de Blasio and Chirlane could come.

And so I could re-lose my virginity on prom night.

My doctor said I'll be healed by then.

- [scoffs] - What?

That's the same night as Vanessa's 40th birthday.

Bummer.

I am so screwed.

Oh. Jill.

Of course you want to be at your best friend's party.

But Vanessa's a doctor.

And if anyone understands how many obese little lives

are hanging in the balance, it's her.

[phone chimes]

[upbeat music]

Are you late for something?

No, I'm fine.

♪ ♪

Aww, Jill, I'm so grateful to you for picking me up.

Every woman should have a confidant

she doesn't have to impress.

That seems to be my specialty.

Where's that Moshe?

Why couldn't he pick up cigarettes during my procedure?

So, Candace, new hair, new pair,

is there something or someone you want to tell me about?

Well, aren't you the little sleuth.

In fact, I have taken a lover.

What?

- Who is he? - All in due time.

Oh, I have a surprise.

Go on, open it.

I want you to take my place at the hat luncheon this Friday.

My breasts will still be resting up.

Oh, wow, I have to check my calendar.

Jill, this luncheon raises over $12 million for charity.

This is the most important philanthropic event

for the entire social season.

You don't check your calendar.

You accept the honor and you go.

Is it crazy that I kind of wanna go?

After all these years mocking it,

I'm secretly dying to see what goes on at the hat lunch.

So go. There are worse things than a $3,000 a plate lunch

in Central Park that someone else is paying for.

Right? It's only lunch.

There better be bread.

[phone chimes]

I guess I'm going.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

What's in the bag?

Oh, nothing. School project.

So, your fiesta.

What do you think about doing something late-ish, like 9:00?

Ugh, I'm turning 40, not 25.

You parent people think it's your kids making you tired,

but it's just old age.

I get exhausted walking home from the liquor store.

Okay, don't hate me,

but the NACHO gala is now the same night as your party,

and I'm vice chair.

I know, "vice chair." What does that even mean?

It's okay, I'll just do the rule of three.

What's that again?

It's that trick I do when I wanna ditch a party early.

I just put myself in front of the hostess

three separate times.

Whoo-hoo! Party rockin'!

So shááfaced.

And then, no matter how early I bail,

she'd swear I closed the place down.

Works every time.

Okay, you have to patent that.

I have.

Anyway, I'll just be a little late

and a lot overdressed to Tortilla Flats.

But I will be there.

Or, crazy idea, skip NACHO since it's just a tax-free way

of bullying husky kids into eating disorders.

- Right? - You know what?

I'll make it work.

We've wasted too much time on it, anyway.

Oh, hey, on Friday my shift ends at noon.

Wanna try that weird empanada place on Third,

then do bad movie Friday?

Um, shoot, I can't,

I have this annoying kid errand.

[sighs] That was gonna be my excuse

to not go running.

I could run your errands with you.

Oh, no, I wouldn't subject you.

Snooze fest.

[laughs softly]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

(Jill) These eyelashes.

I feel like a silent movie star with a touch of slut.

[laughs]

And for my nails, can I get one coat of hot tub harlot

and one coat of Vienna Bordello?

And Jill, you might wanna lose the black.

This is the hat luncheon after all.

All right, I'll try... Tinker Bell's labia.

When in Rome.

So, Brooke, about the NACHO prom.

Ugh, I'm so glad you reminded me.

I've put you in charge of the three Cs.

Candid photography, the crowning ceremony--

(Jill) Wait, rewind.

I thought you booked a major photographer to cover the event.

Of course, Patrick McMullen.

But your eye will catch quirky moments that no one else could.

The third C is for comic relief,

which is what I expect from your speech

when you crown the king and queen of prom,

closing the night.

[sighs]

(Brooke) Simone, what the hell?

(Simone) Sorry I'm late.

I had the worst morning with little Sebastian.

I know the tooth fairy isn't real.

The jig is up, Mom.

Oh, my God. The same thing just happened to me with Rutherford.

- Did he say who told him? - Yes.

It was Beatrix.

[gasps]

Well, someone else must be filling Beatrix's head

because she's refusing to take a bath.

According to my nanny.

I'll get in that bath once the global water crisis ends.

That's weird, Miles is suddenly worried about hate crimes.

Anti-Semitism is on the rise.

It's like the 1930s all over again.

Do I need a female circumcision?

Why is the middle class disappearing?

Are we the middle class?

Someone is stealing our children's innocence

and replacing it with the truth.

Or, some kid just walked by that paranoid dude with a bullhorn

outside Fairway.

I just sent an email blast to the entire school.

We are gonna smoke this bad seed right out of the soil.

(woman) Ladies...

[classical music]

♪ Hallelujah-lelujah ♪

- [gasps] - Oh!

♪ Hallelujah-lelujah ♪

[gasps] They're breathtaking.

So, Brooke, back to the NACHO prom.

What if we did the crowning ceremony at the beginning

of the night?

Like, right away.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Everybody knows the king and queen get crowned

at the end of the night.

I am so excited.

[laughter]

[sighs]

♪ ♪

Lex?

Oh, hey, bro.

I'm sorry, were you napping?

Uh, no, no, I just, um, mediating.

I'm meditating. Meditatting-meditating.

So, listen real quick.

I was going over the plans for the Kyrgyzstan expansion

and we can't use the name Fortune Bagel over there

Oh...

'Cause it turns out in the primary Kyrgyz dialect,

bagel means parasite.

Nice, yeah.

Well, now I'm just a little worried that we'll create

some brand confusion. We don't want people thinking

we're selling lucky tapeworms or something.

Yeah, oh, God.

Well, we just need to come up with a new name.

You know what, uh,...

why don't you just pick out the name yourself, my man?

I trust you. [chuckles]

Thanks.

I'm gonna start thinking of names.

- Yeah. - I'll run some by clearances.

Talk soon.

I'm Hercules.

[applause]

(chairwoman) Good afternoon, ladies.

It's hard to believe that some dogs will never taste elk jerky

or sleep on a featherbed.

At night, on the streets, these canines will shiver

without the comfort of a sweater.

But Dog Day Afternoon is here to say no more.

[applause]

My phone is blowing up.

Ebola, riots, Elf on the Shelf.

The truth is spreading like a virus.

And our biggest doggone donor award goes to...

Candace Von Weber.

[applause]

Help. What do I do?

I'm sitting in her place.

Just smile, and accept it on her behalf.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Jill Weber.

Um, if, um, my mother-in-law Candace were here today,

she would say, Jill, you do look terrible in pink.

[laughs]

[coughing]

Um, but Candance has never met an award she didn't like.

And she's been so generous and loves dogs so much

that she actually morphs into a Jewish mother around them.

Eat, eat, you're too thin.

[laughter]

She's not even like that with her grandchildren, people.

[laughter]

But seriously, we owe all our gratitude to this organization.

for caring for the most vulnerable New Yorkers,

not counting the homeless or children or the elderly.

But hats off to you, dog owners,

because I can barely take care of my kids.

[laughter]

Okay, in closing, I just would like to add...

[barks]

That's dog for thank you very much.

I love you New York City.

Tip your servers, try the alcohol, I'll be here all week.

Okay.

[applause]

(chairwoman) Thank you for that very unexpected comic relief,

Jill Weber.

Where have you been hiding yourself?

Enjoy your lunch, ladies.

Oh, my God, I'm sweating buckets.

My pits are dripping.

[laughs]

Yeah. That was cute.

Uh, we might want to work on tone before NACHO.

That's a much more serious cause.

Back to the crisis, ladies.

I have been getting lots of supportive emails

but no real leads on a culprit.

Think. Who is the most smugly informed parent that we know?

Well, don't look at me.

We're a no news family. No TV, no paper.

No Access Hollywood, nothing.

We cut out all the photos on the front pages of the Times

before the kids wake up.

Whenever we run into Jon Stewart in Turks and Caicos

we talk about everything but the news.

Okay, I understand the world is a dangerous place,

but isn't it our job as parents to prepare the kids for it?

Hey, it wasn't me.

I can barely handle the news today.

Then we agree.

We have to hunt down this truth fairy and put a stop to this.

By any means necessary.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[stirring music]

♪ ♪

Jill?

Hi. Oh, my God.

Wow.

W...

Wow.

Hi.

I'm...sweaty.

So, was this the errand that you didn't want to bore me with?

I am so sorry. I was embarrassed.

Candace insisted and...

I just need some normalcy.

Can you please come over tonight?

I-I guess I can stop by.

Oh. Hi, Vanessa.

You look...runny.

Just working up a stink.

How's the new baby?

She's wonderful,

especially now that she has the world's best godmommy.

Wow, you two are like a pair of mad hatters.

Jill, Bill Cunningham is taking the group photo

over by the fountain.

We better head out. So good to see you.

I'll catch up with you guys in a sec.

We really need to go.

- Sorry. - Go. Really.

You belong in that photo.

I gotta keep my heart rate up anyway.

Well, you're coming over later, right?

Vaness?

[lively music]

♪ ♪

(Lex on machine) Lex Von Weber, you know what to do.

[beep]

Lex, just wanted to run some ideas by you

if you haven't left yet.

I think I've landed on some good ones.

Call or come visit.

[line ringing] - Hey.

Dana, did you see Lex leave tonight?

(Dana) Uh, no, I haven't.

You want me to go look for him?

No, no, no, no. It's late.

You go home. I can do it.

- You sure? - I'll see you tomorrow.

- Okay, good night. - Thank you.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[sighs] Really, I am mortified

about before.

I was an assáááá in about ten different ways.

I'm over it. Mostly.

Hey, I had a radical idea for your party.

How about a lunch?

I hope you're kidding.

What happened to the rule of three?

Apparently being vice chair isn't just a title.

There are actual jobs.

So just go to NACHO.

You can come to my 50th.

No.

I'm just saying, can we do a different night?

The next night, even?

[phone chiming]

Jill, it's fine.

Can I at least pay for it?

Can we pretend you didn't say that?

[phone chiming]

Just check it. I know you want to.

No, I'm here with you.

[phone chimes]

Please, for me.

Oh, my God.

Total pre-K existential nightmare.

Someone blew the lid off Santa and the tooth fairy

and threw in the Sudan and AIDS, and now the whole preschool

is freaking out about "the truth fairy."

They've just hired a grief counselor to help the children

through this traumatic time.

Oh! You don't remember?

What?

I swear I told you.

The night I babysat.

When the kids and I had that great deep talk.

My kids?

I'm the truth fairy.

[laughs]

Although, I don't remember talking about the Sudan.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I do.

Wait, is this funny to you?

Um, a little, yeah.

Look, your kids had a lot of really smart questions

about life and I answered them.

Vaness, I know it seems cool to treat kids like adults,

but you know how these people are.

Are we talking about them or you?

What is that supposed to mean?

Jill, you've had your head so far up your sister-in-law's ass,

you don't even realize what's happening to you.

You're turning into one of them.

That is not true.

Oh, my--don't make me go down the list.

Sip n' See Host, NACHO Vice Chair, godmommy.

And blowing me off?

More than once?

Like, can you just admit

you're actually enjoying all this stuff?

I-I think I'd respect you more if you did.

Cut me a break. It's Andy's family.

I mean, if I piss them off...

But it's okay to piss me off?

[sighs]

Remember that pact we made?

You said, if I ever saw you at one of those hat luncheons,

I should kidnap and deprogram you.

Remember that?

That is not what's happening here.

Okay, well.

Keep telling yourself that.

You're just leaving?

Yup.

[somber music]

[sighs]

♪ ♪

[door opening]

Lex, hey, I got some--

[moaning]

- What the...? - Oh, sháá.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Oh, God.

- Oh, my! - Andy!

Andy, hey, Andy.

[rock music]

This is a new low.

Even for you.

Well, I'm sorry.

Not everybody can be as perfect as you.

I know that's hard to believe.

This is not about me in any way shape or form, Lex.

This is about you.

Would you just stop judging me for, like, a minute

and hear me out?

What?

Look.

I love Brooke. I do.

But being married to her is like living on an army base.

She's a hard ass.

The other night she threw a sháá fit because I dried my hands

on one of the good towels.

[laughs softly]

You're lucky, man. You have Jill.

Jill's Jill. She's fun.

Jill is Jill. I'll give you that.

But marriage is work.

See, that's just the thing.

When I go home, Brooke is the boss.

It's like I'm walking on eggshells.

And then I come here, and there's this laid-back girl

and she lets me touch her boobies.

'Cause she works for you!

You didn't exactly invent the concept

of screwing your secretary.

Look...

I regret it.

And I was weak.

And I will never let it happen again.

Okay?

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Mommy. Mommy.

Mommy.

Mommy.

Mommy.

Jill.

Miles, what's going on?

I was sliding down a rainbow, then Dora the Explorer

set it on fire and kept saying, "Can you say climate change?"

Over and over.

Okay, sweetheart. You just had a bad dream.

Come here.

If there's no magic or fairies and just bad stuff

like diseases and war, what's left?

Well, honey, I think there's something even better

than fairies, and that's family.

Is Aunt Vanessa part of our family?

Well, no, but we call her Aunt Vanessa because we love her.

A lot.

Then why were you guys fighting tonight?

Or were those just grown up play noises like you do with Daddy?

You can hear that?

Where is Daddy?

He'll be home soon, angel.

But we have to go to sleep, okay?

Good night. I'm rolling over.

Let's face it.

It's time to get rid of the electoral college.

Are boogers a carb?

When will my boob jobs grow in?

It all comes down to campaign finance reform.

Until then, we're stuck with the status quo.

Given the state of the world today, I'd argue yes.

We still need feminism.

(Jill voice-over) For more Odd Mom Out, go to Bravotv.com

(girl) Oh, dear.