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00:00:13,999 --> 00:00:14,999
(male announcer)
Next is a Bravo scripted
original series.
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00:00:17,999 --> 00:00:18,999
[phone chimes]
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00:00:21,999 --> 00:00:22,999
[upbeat music]
4
00:00:22,999 --> 00:00:25,999
"We are pleased to invite
your son, Henry Portman,
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00:00:25,999 --> 00:00:27,999
to join Collegiate's
Kindergarten class."
6
00:00:27,999 --> 00:00:28,999
Yes!
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00:00:28,999 --> 00:00:32,999
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
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00:00:32,999 --> 00:00:33,999
♪ ♪
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00:00:33,999 --> 00:00:35,999
[women cheering]
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00:00:35,999 --> 00:00:37,999
♪ ♪
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00:00:37,999 --> 00:00:38,999
(Marisa)
What?
12
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,000
BJ didn't get in?
13
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:42,999
But I had two trustees call
14
00:00:42,999 --> 00:00:45,999
and one of them built
the science lab!
15
00:00:45,999 --> 00:00:46,999
Ugh!
16
00:00:46,999 --> 00:00:48,999
Sháá! Sháá! Sháá!
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00:00:48,999 --> 00:00:50,999
God damn it!
18
00:00:50,999 --> 00:00:51,999
Aah!
19
00:00:51,999 --> 00:00:53,999
Please be a yes.
Please be a yes.
20
00:00:53,999 --> 00:00:55,999
Come on, come on.
21
00:00:55,999 --> 00:00:57,999
Oh, my God!
22
00:00:57,999 --> 00:00:59,999
♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪
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00:00:59,999 --> 00:01:03,999
♪ I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine ♪
24
00:01:07,999 --> 00:01:10,999
Breathe in through your nose,
and out through your mouth.
25
00:01:10,999 --> 00:01:12,999
Hey, we've got two more
rejections from Trinity,
26
00:01:12,999 --> 00:01:14,999
three from Morace Mann.
27
00:01:14,999 --> 00:01:15,999
One hypertensive,
one panic attack,
28
00:01:15,999 --> 00:01:17,999
and an antidepressant/diet pill
interaction.
29
00:01:17,999 --> 00:01:20,999
[phone ringing]
Okay.
30
00:01:20,999 --> 00:01:23,999
You know there's this thing
called public school, right?
31
00:01:23,999 --> 00:01:25,999
[sighs]
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00:01:25,999 --> 00:01:29,999
(Hazel, Dottie, Miles)
You've reached Aunt Vanessa.
Leave a message!
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00:01:29,999 --> 00:01:31,999
[beep]
Dottie just got into Caldecott!
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00:01:31,999 --> 00:01:33,999
That's like kiddie-Harvard.
35
00:01:33,999 --> 00:01:36,999
Yay!
Yes!
36
00:01:36,999 --> 00:01:38,999
Oh, my God!
37
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,999
Oh, yes, yes.
38
00:01:40,999 --> 00:01:41,999
Call me back.
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00:01:41,999 --> 00:01:45,999
♪ ♪
40
00:01:46,999 --> 00:01:51,999
Dottie got into Caldecott
and Miles got into Olmstead?
41
00:01:51,999 --> 00:01:53,999
That is amazing.
42
00:01:53,999 --> 00:01:54,999
Yeah.
43
00:01:54,999 --> 00:01:55,999
Our girls will be
at the same school,
44
00:01:55,999 --> 00:01:57,999
and so will our boys.
45
00:01:57,999 --> 00:01:59,999
Right.
I almost forgot.
46
00:01:59,999 --> 00:02:04,999
Anyway, I am so glad that you
could be my pick up person.
47
00:02:04,999 --> 00:02:08,999
And remember,
nobody knows about the surgery.
48
00:02:08,999 --> 00:02:10,999
Got it.
My lips are sealed.
49
00:02:10,999 --> 00:02:12,999
How's your cooter?
50
00:02:12,999 --> 00:02:16,999
My doctor says, I am
anatomically a virgin again.
51
00:02:16,999 --> 00:02:18,999
Lex and I really needed this,
52
00:02:18,999 --> 00:02:19,999
if you know what I mean.
53
00:02:19,999 --> 00:02:22,999
I don't, but whatever works.
54
00:02:22,999 --> 00:02:24,999
So, what was going on with
Rutherford when I called?
55
00:02:24,999 --> 00:02:26,999
Oh, you are not
gonna believe this.
56
00:02:26,999 --> 00:02:29,999
I know Santa isn't real.
57
00:02:29,999 --> 00:02:34,999
The thing I'm most
disappointed in is the lying.
58
00:02:34,999 --> 00:02:35,999
What?
59
00:02:35,999 --> 00:02:37,999
Did Shipley or
MacCallister tell him?
60
00:02:37,999 --> 00:02:39,999
No, they still believe.
61
00:02:39,999 --> 00:02:42,999
And now Rutherford is demanding
a second birthday every year
62
00:02:42,999 --> 00:02:43,999
to keep his mouth shut.
63
00:02:43,999 --> 00:02:45,999
He will go far in this world.
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00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:46,999
Just what I need.
65
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,000
Three weeks out from NACHO.
66
00:02:49,999 --> 00:02:51,999
You mean two weeks.
67
00:02:51,999 --> 00:02:52,999
No.
Three.
68
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,000
Didn't I tell you?
69
00:02:54,999 --> 00:02:58,999
I pushed the date so de Blasio
and Chirlane could come.
70
00:02:58,999 --> 00:03:02,999
And so I could re-lose
my virginity on prom night.
71
00:03:02,999 --> 00:03:04,999
My doctor said
I'll be healed by then.
72
00:03:04,999 --> 00:03:05,999
- [scoffs]
- What?
73
00:03:05,999 --> 00:03:08,999
That's the same night as
Vanessa's 40th birthday.
74
00:03:08,999 --> 00:03:09,999
Bummer.
75
00:03:09,999 --> 00:03:11,999
I am so screwed.
76
00:03:11,999 --> 00:03:14,999
Oh.
Jill.
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00:03:14,999 --> 00:03:17,999
Of course you want to be
at your best friend's party.
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00:03:17,999 --> 00:03:19,999
But Vanessa's a doctor.
79
00:03:19,999 --> 00:03:22,999
And if anyone understands how
many obese little lives
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00:03:23,999 --> 00:03:25,999
are hanging in
the balance, it's her.
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00:03:25,999 --> 00:03:26,999
[phone chimes]
82
00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:27,999
[upbeat music]
83
00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:28,999
Are you late for something?
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00:03:28,999 --> 00:03:30,999
No, I'm fine.
85
00:03:30,999 --> 00:03:34,999
♪ ♪
86
00:03:34,999 --> 00:03:38,999
Aww, Jill, I'm so grateful
to you for picking me up.
87
00:03:38,999 --> 00:03:39,999
Every woman
should have a confidant
88
00:03:40,999 --> 00:03:41,999
she doesn't have to impress.
89
00:03:41,999 --> 00:03:45,999
That seems to be
my specialty.
90
00:03:45,999 --> 00:03:46,999
Where's that Moshe?
91
00:03:46,999 --> 00:03:49,999
Why couldn't he pick up
cigarettes during my procedure?
92
00:03:49,999 --> 00:03:53,999
So, Candace,
new hair, new pair,
93
00:03:53,999 --> 00:03:57,999
is there something or someone
you want to tell me about?
94
00:03:57,999 --> 00:04:00,999
Well, aren't you
the little sleuth.
95
00:04:00,999 --> 00:04:03,999
In fact, I have taken a lover.
96
00:04:03,999 --> 00:04:04,999
What?
97
00:04:04,999 --> 00:04:08,999
- Who is he?
- All in due time.
98
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,999
Oh, I have a surprise.
99
00:04:11,999 --> 00:04:14,999
Go on, open it.
100
00:04:14,999 --> 00:04:17,999
I want you to take my place at
the hat luncheon this Friday.
101
00:04:17,999 --> 00:04:19,999
My breasts will
still be resting up.
102
00:04:19,999 --> 00:04:21,999
Oh, wow,
I have to check my calendar.
103
00:04:21,999 --> 00:04:26,999
Jill, this luncheon raises over
$12 million for charity.
104
00:04:26,999 --> 00:04:29,999
This is the most important
philanthropic event
105
00:04:29,999 --> 00:04:31,999
for the entire social season.
106
00:04:31,999 --> 00:04:33,999
You don't check your calendar.
107
00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:36,999
You accept the honor
and you go.
108
00:04:36,999 --> 00:04:39,999
Is it crazy that
I kind of wanna go?
109
00:04:39,999 --> 00:04:41,999
After all these years
mocking it,
110
00:04:41,999 --> 00:04:45,999
I'm secretly dying to see what
goes on at the hat lunch.
111
00:04:45,999 --> 00:04:48,999
So go. There are worse things
than a $3,000 a plate lunch
112
00:04:48,999 --> 00:04:51,999
in Central Park that
someone else is paying for.
113
00:04:51,999 --> 00:04:53,999
Right?
It's only lunch.
114
00:04:53,999 --> 00:04:54,999
There better be bread.
115
00:04:54,999 --> 00:04:57,999
[phone chimes]
116
00:04:57,999 --> 00:04:58,999
I guess I'm going.
117
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[rock music]
118
00:05:01,999 --> 00:05:07,999
♪ ♪
119
00:05:07,999 --> 00:05:08,999
What's in the bag?
120
00:05:08,999 --> 00:05:10,999
Oh, nothing.
School project.
121
00:05:10,999 --> 00:05:13,999
So, your fiesta.
122
00:05:13,999 --> 00:05:16,999
What do you think about doing
something late-ish, like 9:00?
123
00:05:16,999 --> 00:05:18,999
Ugh, I'm turning 40, not 25.
124
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,000
You parent people think it's
your kids making you tired,
125
00:05:21,999 --> 00:05:23,999
but it's just old age.
126
00:05:23,999 --> 00:05:26,999
I get exhausted walking home
from the liquor store.
127
00:05:26,999 --> 00:05:29,999
Okay, don't hate me,
128
00:05:29,999 --> 00:05:32,999
but the NACHO gala is now
the same night as your party,
129
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,999
and I'm vice chair.
130
00:05:34,999 --> 00:05:37,999
I know, "vice chair."
What does that even mean?
131
00:05:37,999 --> 00:05:39,999
It's okay, I'll just
do the rule of three.
132
00:05:39,999 --> 00:05:40,999
What's that again?
133
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,000
It's that trick I do when
I wanna ditch a party early.
134
00:05:43,999 --> 00:05:44,999
I just put myself
in front of the hostess
135
00:05:44,999 --> 00:05:46,999
three separate times.
136
00:05:46,999 --> 00:05:49,999
Whoo-hoo!
Party rockin'!
137
00:05:49,999 --> 00:05:51,999
So shááfaced.
138
00:05:51,999 --> 00:05:53,999
And then,
no matter how early I bail,
139
00:05:53,999 --> 00:05:55,999
she'd swear I closed
the place down.
140
00:05:55,999 --> 00:05:56,999
Works every time.
141
00:05:56,999 --> 00:05:58,999
Okay, you have to patent that.
142
00:05:58,999 --> 00:05:59,999
I have.
143
00:05:59,999 --> 00:06:01,999
Anyway, I'll just be
a little late
144
00:06:01,999 --> 00:06:03,999
and a lot overdressed to
Tortilla Flats.
145
00:06:03,999 --> 00:06:05,999
But I will be there.
146
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:09,999
Or, crazy idea, skip NACHO
since it's just a tax-free way
147
00:06:09,999 --> 00:06:12,999
of bullying husky kids
into eating disorders.
148
00:06:12,999 --> 00:06:14,999
- Right?
- You know what?
149
00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:15,999
I'll make it work.
150
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,000
We've wasted too much time
on it, anyway.
151
00:06:17,999 --> 00:06:19,999
Oh, hey, on Friday
my shift ends at noon.
152
00:06:19,999 --> 00:06:22,999
Wanna try that
weird empanada place on Third,
153
00:06:22,999 --> 00:06:23,999
then do bad movie Friday?
154
00:06:23,999 --> 00:06:25,999
Um, shoot, I can't,
155
00:06:25,999 --> 00:06:28,999
I have this
annoying kid errand.
156
00:06:28,999 --> 00:06:29,999
[sighs]
That was gonna be my excuse
157
00:06:29,999 --> 00:06:31,999
to not go running.
158
00:06:31,999 --> 00:06:32,999
I could run your errands
with you.
159
00:06:32,999 --> 00:06:35,999
Oh, no,
I wouldn't subject you.
160
00:06:35,999 --> 00:06:36,999
Snooze fest.
161
00:06:36,999 --> 00:06:37,999
[laughs softly]
162
00:06:37,999 --> 00:06:40,999
[upbeat music]
163
00:06:40,999 --> 00:06:43,999
♪ ♪
164
00:06:43,999 --> 00:06:45,999
(Jill)
These eyelashes.
165
00:06:45,999 --> 00:06:48,999
I feel like a silent movie star
with a touch of slut.
166
00:06:48,999 --> 00:06:50,999
[laughs]
167
00:06:50,999 --> 00:06:54,999
And for my nails, can I get
one coat of hot tub harlot
168
00:06:54,999 --> 00:06:57,999
and one coat
of Vienna Bordello?
169
00:06:57,999 --> 00:07:00,999
And Jill, you might
wanna lose the black.
170
00:07:00,999 --> 00:07:02,999
This is the hat luncheon
after all.
171
00:07:02,999 --> 00:07:06,999
All right, I'll try...
Tinker Bell's labia.
172
00:07:06,999 --> 00:07:08,999
When in Rome.
173
00:07:08,999 --> 00:07:10,999
So, Brooke,
about the NACHO prom.
174
00:07:10,999 --> 00:07:12,999
Ugh, I'm so glad
you reminded me.
175
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,999
I've put you in charge
of the three Cs.
176
00:07:15,999 --> 00:07:17,999
Candid photography,
the crowning ceremony--
177
00:07:17,999 --> 00:07:18,999
(Jill)
Wait, rewind.
178
00:07:18,999 --> 00:07:21,999
I thought you booked a major
photographer to cover the event.
179
00:07:21,999 --> 00:07:22,999
Of course, Patrick McMullen.
180
00:07:22,999 --> 00:07:27,999
But your eye will catch quirky
moments that no one else could.
181
00:07:27,999 --> 00:07:29,999
The third C is
for comic relief,
182
00:07:29,999 --> 00:07:31,999
which is what I expect
from your speech
183
00:07:31,999 --> 00:07:34,999
when you crown
the king and queen of prom,
184
00:07:34,999 --> 00:07:35,999
closing the night.
185
00:07:35,999 --> 00:07:36,999
[sighs]
186
00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:38,999
(Brooke)
Simone, what the hell?
187
00:07:38,999 --> 00:07:39,999
(Simone)
Sorry I'm late.
188
00:07:39,999 --> 00:07:42,999
I had the worst morning
with little Sebastian.
189
00:07:42,999 --> 00:07:44,999
I know the tooth fairy
isn't real.
190
00:07:44,999 --> 00:07:46,999
The jig is up, Mom.
191
00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:49,999
Oh, my God. The same thing just
happened to me with Rutherford.
192
00:07:49,999 --> 00:07:52,999
- Did he say who told him?
- Yes.
193
00:07:52,999 --> 00:07:53,999
It was Beatrix.
194
00:07:53,999 --> 00:07:54,999
[gasps]
195
00:07:54,999 --> 00:07:57,999
Well, someone else must be
filling Beatrix's head
196
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,000
because she's refusing
to take a bath.
197
00:08:00,999 --> 00:08:01,999
According to my nanny.
198
00:08:01,999 --> 00:08:05,999
I'll get in that bath once
the global water crisis ends.
199
00:08:05,999 --> 00:08:09,999
That's weird, Miles is suddenly
worried about hate crimes.
200
00:08:09,999 --> 00:08:11,999
Anti-Semitism is on the rise.
201
00:08:11,999 --> 00:08:13,999
It's like the 1930s
all over again.
202
00:08:13,999 --> 00:08:15,999
Do I need
a female circumcision?
203
00:08:15,999 --> 00:08:18,999
Why is the middle class
disappearing?
204
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:19,999
Are we the middle class?
205
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,000
Someone is stealing
our children's innocence
206
00:08:23,999 --> 00:08:26,999
and replacing it
with the truth.
207
00:08:26,999 --> 00:08:29,999
Or, some kid just walked by that
paranoid dude with a bullhorn
208
00:08:29,999 --> 00:08:32,999
outside Fairway.
209
00:08:32,999 --> 00:08:36,999
I just sent an email blast
to the entire school.
210
00:08:36,999 --> 00:08:40,999
We are gonna smoke this bad seed
right out of the soil.
211
00:08:40,999 --> 00:08:41,999
(woman)
Ladies...
212
00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:42,999
[classical music]
213
00:08:42,999 --> 00:08:43,999
♪ Hallelujah-lelujah ♪
214
00:08:44,999 --> 00:08:45,999
- [gasps]
- Oh!
215
00:08:45,999 --> 00:08:47,999
♪ Hallelujah-lelujah ♪
216
00:08:47,999 --> 00:08:50,999
[gasps]
They're breathtaking.
217
00:08:50,999 --> 00:08:52,999
So, Brooke,
back to the NACHO prom.
218
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:55,999
What if we did the crowning
ceremony at the beginning
219
00:08:55,999 --> 00:08:56,999
of the night?
220
00:08:56,999 --> 00:08:57,999
Like, right away.
221
00:08:57,999 --> 00:08:58,999
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
222
00:08:58,999 --> 00:09:01,999
Everybody knows
the king and queen get crowned
223
00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:03,999
at the end of the night.
224
00:09:03,999 --> 00:09:05,999
I am so excited.
225
00:09:05,999 --> 00:09:08,999
[laughter]
226
00:09:08,999 --> 00:09:09,999
[sighs]
227
00:09:16,999 --> 00:09:19,999
♪ ♪
228
00:09:19,999 --> 00:09:20,999
Lex?
229
00:09:20,999 --> 00:09:22,999
Oh, hey, bro.
230
00:09:22,999 --> 00:09:24,999
I'm sorry,
were you napping?
231
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:26,999
Uh, no, no, I just,
um, mediating.
232
00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:29,999
I'm meditating.
Meditatting-meditating.
233
00:09:29,999 --> 00:09:30,999
So, listen real quick.
234
00:09:30,999 --> 00:09:33,999
I was going over the plans for
the Kyrgyzstan expansion
235
00:09:33,999 --> 00:09:35,999
and we can't use the name
Fortune Bagel over there
236
00:09:35,999 --> 00:09:36,999
Oh...
237
00:09:36,999 --> 00:09:38,999
'Cause it turns out in the
primary Kyrgyz dialect,
238
00:09:38,999 --> 00:09:40,999
bagel means parasite.
239
00:09:40,999 --> 00:09:42,999
Nice, yeah.
240
00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:44,999
Well, now I'm just a little
worried that we'll create
241
00:09:44,999 --> 00:09:45,999
some brand confusion.
We don't want people thinking
242
00:09:46,999 --> 00:09:48,999
we're selling
lucky tapeworms or something.
243
00:09:48,999 --> 00:09:50,999
Yeah, oh, God.
244
00:09:50,999 --> 00:09:52,999
Well, we just need to
come up with a new name.
245
00:09:52,999 --> 00:09:53,999
You know what, uh,...
246
00:09:53,999 --> 00:09:56,999
why don't you just pick out
the name yourself, my man?
247
00:09:56,999 --> 00:09:58,999
I trust you.
[chuckles]
248
00:09:58,999 --> 00:09:59,999
Thanks.
249
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:01,999
I'm gonna start
thinking of names.
250
00:10:01,999 --> 00:10:03,999
- Yeah.
- I'll run some by clearances.
251
00:10:03,999 --> 00:10:06,999
Talk soon.
252
00:10:06,999 --> 00:10:09,999
I'm Hercules.
253
00:10:09,999 --> 00:10:10,999
[applause]
254
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,000
(chairwoman)
Good afternoon, ladies.
255
00:10:13,999 --> 00:10:17,999
It's hard to believe that some
dogs will never taste elk jerky
256
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,000
or sleep on a featherbed.
257
00:10:20,999 --> 00:10:24,999
At night, on the streets,
these canines will shiver
258
00:10:24,999 --> 00:10:26,999
without the comfort
of a sweater.
259
00:10:26,999 --> 00:10:30,999
But Dog Day Afternoon
is here to say no more.
260
00:10:30,999 --> 00:10:33,999
[applause]
261
00:10:33,999 --> 00:10:36,999
My phone is blowing up.
262
00:10:36,999 --> 00:10:39,999
Ebola, riots,
Elf on the Shelf.
263
00:10:39,999 --> 00:10:41,999
The truth is spreading
like a virus.
264
00:10:41,999 --> 00:10:45,999
And our biggest doggone donor
award goes to...
265
00:10:45,999 --> 00:10:47,999
Candace Von Weber.
266
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,000
[applause]
267
00:10:50,999 --> 00:10:52,999
Help. What do I do?
268
00:10:52,999 --> 00:10:53,999
I'm sitting in her place.
269
00:10:53,999 --> 00:10:56,999
Just smile, and accept it
on her behalf.
270
00:11:02,999 --> 00:11:03,999
Thank you.
271
00:11:03,999 --> 00:11:05,999
Hi, I'm Jill Weber.
272
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,999
Um, if, um, my mother-in-law
Candace were here today,
273
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:14,000
she would say, Jill,
you do look terrible in pink.
274
00:11:13,999 --> 00:11:14,999
[laughs]
275
00:11:14,999 --> 00:11:15,999
[coughing]
276
00:11:15,999 --> 00:11:20,999
Um, but Candance has never met
an award she didn't like.
277
00:11:20,999 --> 00:11:24,999
And she's been so generous
and loves dogs so much
278
00:11:24,999 --> 00:11:27,999
that she actually morphs into
a Jewish mother around them.
279
00:11:27,999 --> 00:11:29,999
Eat, eat, you're too thin.
280
00:11:29,999 --> 00:11:31,999
[laughter]
281
00:11:31,999 --> 00:11:33,999
She's not even like that
with her grandchildren, people.
282
00:11:33,999 --> 00:11:35,999
[laughter]
283
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:39,999
But seriously, we owe all our
gratitude to this organization.
284
00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:43,999
for caring for the most
vulnerable New Yorkers,
285
00:11:43,999 --> 00:11:47,999
not counting the homeless
or children or the elderly.
286
00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:49,999
But hats off to you,
dog owners,
287
00:11:49,999 --> 00:11:51,999
because I can barely
take care of my kids.
288
00:11:52,999 --> 00:11:54,999
[laughter]
289
00:11:54,999 --> 00:11:58,999
Okay, in closing,
I just would like to add...
290
00:11:58,999 --> 00:12:00,999
[barks]
291
00:12:00,999 --> 00:12:02,999
That's dog for
thank you very much.
292
00:12:02,999 --> 00:12:03,999
I love you New York City.
293
00:12:03,999 --> 00:12:06,999
Tip your servers, try the
alcohol, I'll be here all week.
294
00:12:06,999 --> 00:12:07,999
Okay.
295
00:12:07,999 --> 00:12:10,999
[applause]
296
00:12:10,999 --> 00:12:13,999
(chairwoman)
Thank you for that very
unexpected comic relief,
297
00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:15,999
Jill Weber.
298
00:12:15,999 --> 00:12:17,999
Where have you been
hiding yourself?
299
00:12:17,999 --> 00:12:19,999
Enjoy your lunch, ladies.
300
00:12:19,999 --> 00:12:21,999
Oh, my God,
I'm sweating buckets.
301
00:12:21,999 --> 00:12:24,999
My pits are dripping.
302
00:12:24,999 --> 00:12:25,999
[laughs]
303
00:12:25,999 --> 00:12:27,999
Yeah.
That was cute.
304
00:12:27,999 --> 00:12:30,999
Uh, we might want to work
on tone before NACHO.
305
00:12:30,999 --> 00:12:33,999
That's a much more
serious cause.
306
00:12:34,999 --> 00:12:35,999
Back to the crisis, ladies.
307
00:12:35,999 --> 00:12:38,999
I have been getting lots
of supportive emails
308
00:12:38,999 --> 00:12:40,999
but no real leads
on a culprit.
309
00:12:40,999 --> 00:12:45,999
Think. Who is the most smugly
informed parent that we know?
310
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,000
Well, don't look at me.
311
00:12:48,999 --> 00:12:51,999
We're a no news family.
No TV, no paper.
312
00:12:51,999 --> 00:12:53,999
No Access Hollywood,
nothing.
313
00:12:53,999 --> 00:12:56,999
We cut out all the photos on
the front pages of the Times
314
00:12:56,999 --> 00:12:57,999
before the kids wake up.
315
00:12:57,999 --> 00:12:59,999
Whenever we run into Jon Stewart
in Turks and Caicos
316
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,000
we talk about everything
but the news.
317
00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:04,999
Okay, I understand the world
is a dangerous place,
318
00:13:04,999 --> 00:13:10,999
but isn't it our job as parents
to prepare the kids for it?
319
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:11,999
Hey, it wasn't me.
320
00:13:11,999 --> 00:13:14,999
I can barely handle
the news today.
321
00:13:14,999 --> 00:13:16,999
Then we agree.
322
00:13:16,999 --> 00:13:20,999
We have to hunt down this truth
fairy and put a stop to this.
323
00:13:20,999 --> 00:13:23,999
By any means necessary.
324
00:13:23,999 --> 00:13:26,999
[upbeat music]
325
00:13:26,999 --> 00:13:29,999
♪ ♪
326
00:13:29,999 --> 00:13:32,999
[stirring music]
327
00:13:32,999 --> 00:13:39,999
♪ ♪
328
00:13:39,999 --> 00:13:40,999
Jill?
329
00:13:40,999 --> 00:13:43,999
Hi.
Oh, my God.
330
00:13:43,999 --> 00:13:44,999
Wow.
331
00:13:44,999 --> 00:13:45,999
W...
332
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:56,999
Wow.
333
00:13:56,999 --> 00:13:57,999
Hi.
334
00:13:57,999 --> 00:14:00,999
I'm...sweaty.
335
00:14:00,999 --> 00:14:03,999
So, was this the errand that you
didn't want to bore me with?
336
00:14:03,999 --> 00:14:06,999
I am so sorry.
I was embarrassed.
337
00:14:06,999 --> 00:14:08,999
Candace insisted and...
338
00:14:08,999 --> 00:14:10,999
I just need
some normalcy.
339
00:14:10,999 --> 00:14:12,999
Can you please
come over tonight?
340
00:14:12,999 --> 00:14:14,999
I-I guess I can stop by.
341
00:14:14,999 --> 00:14:16,999
Oh.
Hi, Vanessa.
342
00:14:16,999 --> 00:14:19,999
You look...runny.
343
00:14:19,999 --> 00:14:20,999
Just working up a stink.
344
00:14:20,999 --> 00:14:22,999
How's the new baby?
345
00:14:22,999 --> 00:14:23,999
She's wonderful,
346
00:14:23,999 --> 00:14:26,999
especially now that she has
the world's best godmommy.
347
00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:31,999
Wow, you two are like
a pair of mad hatters.
348
00:14:31,999 --> 00:14:33,999
Jill, Bill Cunningham
is taking the group photo
349
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:34,999
over by the fountain.
350
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:38,999
We better head out.
So good to see you.
351
00:14:38,999 --> 00:14:40,999
I'll catch up
with you guys in a sec.
352
00:14:40,999 --> 00:14:42,999
We really need to go.
353
00:14:42,999 --> 00:14:45,999
- Sorry.
- Go. Really.
354
00:14:45,999 --> 00:14:48,999
You belong in that photo.
355
00:14:48,999 --> 00:14:50,999
I gotta keep
my heart rate up anyway.
356
00:14:50,999 --> 00:14:53,999
Well, you're coming
over later, right?
357
00:14:53,999 --> 00:14:55,999
Vaness?
358
00:14:55,999 --> 00:14:58,999
[lively music]
359
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:02,999
♪ ♪
360
00:15:02,999 --> 00:15:03,999
(Lex on machine)
Lex Von Weber,
you know what to do.
361
00:15:03,999 --> 00:15:04,999
[beep]
362
00:15:04,999 --> 00:15:06,999
Lex, just wanted to run some
ideas by you
363
00:15:06,999 --> 00:15:08,999
if you haven't left yet.
364
00:15:08,999 --> 00:15:10,999
I think I've landed on
some good ones.
365
00:15:10,999 --> 00:15:12,999
Call or come visit.
366
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:14,999
[line ringing]
- Hey.
367
00:15:14,999 --> 00:15:16,999
Dana, did you see
Lex leave tonight?
368
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,999
(Dana)
Uh, no, I haven't.
369
00:15:18,999 --> 00:15:19,999
You want me to go
look for him?
370
00:15:19,999 --> 00:15:21,999
No, no, no, no.
It's late.
371
00:15:21,999 --> 00:15:22,999
You go home.
I can do it.
372
00:15:22,999 --> 00:15:24,999
- You sure?
- I'll see you tomorrow.
373
00:15:24,999 --> 00:15:26,999
- Okay, good night.
- Thank you.
374
00:15:26,999 --> 00:15:29,999
[rock music]
375
00:15:29,999 --> 00:15:31,999
♪ ♪
376
00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:34,999
[sighs]
Really, I am mortified
377
00:15:34,999 --> 00:15:35,999
about before.
378
00:15:35,999 --> 00:15:37,999
I was an assáááá
in about ten different ways.
379
00:15:37,999 --> 00:15:40,999
I'm over it.
Mostly.
380
00:15:40,999 --> 00:15:42,999
Hey, I had a radical idea
for your party.
381
00:15:42,999 --> 00:15:45,999
How about a lunch?
382
00:15:45,999 --> 00:15:46,999
I hope you're kidding.
383
00:15:46,999 --> 00:15:48,999
What happened to
the rule of three?
384
00:15:48,999 --> 00:15:51,999
Apparently being vice chair
isn't just a title.
385
00:15:51,999 --> 00:15:53,999
There are actual jobs.
386
00:15:53,999 --> 00:15:56,999
So just go to NACHO.
387
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:57,999
You can come to my 50th.
388
00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:58,999
No.
389
00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:00,999
I'm just saying, can we do
a different night?
390
00:16:00,999 --> 00:16:01,999
The next night, even?
391
00:16:01,999 --> 00:16:02,999
[phone chiming]
392
00:16:02,999 --> 00:16:04,999
Jill, it's fine.
393
00:16:04,999 --> 00:16:07,999
Can I at least pay for it?
394
00:16:07,999 --> 00:16:08,999
Can we pretend
you didn't say that?
395
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:12,000
[phone chiming]
396
00:16:11,999 --> 00:16:14,999
Just check it.
I know you want to.
397
00:16:14,999 --> 00:16:15,999
No, I'm here with you.
398
00:16:15,999 --> 00:16:16,999
[phone chimes]
399
00:16:16,999 --> 00:16:18,999
Please, for me.
400
00:16:22,999 --> 00:16:24,999
Oh, my God.
401
00:16:24,999 --> 00:16:27,999
Total pre-K
existential nightmare.
402
00:16:27,999 --> 00:16:31,999
Someone blew the lid off
Santa and the tooth fairy
403
00:16:31,999 --> 00:16:34,999
and threw in the Sudan and AIDS,
and now the whole preschool
404
00:16:34,999 --> 00:16:37,999
is freaking out about
"the truth fairy."
405
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,000
They've just hired a grief
counselor to help the children
406
00:16:40,999 --> 00:16:42,999
through this traumatic time.
407
00:16:42,999 --> 00:16:45,999
Oh!
You don't remember?
408
00:16:47,999 --> 00:16:48,999
What?
409
00:16:48,999 --> 00:16:49,999
I swear I told you.
410
00:16:49,999 --> 00:16:51,999
The night I babysat.
411
00:16:51,999 --> 00:16:55,999
When the kids and I had
that great deep talk.
412
00:16:55,999 --> 00:16:56,999
My kids?
413
00:16:56,999 --> 00:16:58,999
I'm the truth fairy.
414
00:16:58,999 --> 00:17:00,999
[laughs]
415
00:17:00,999 --> 00:17:03,999
Although, I don't remember
talking about the Sudan.
416
00:17:03,999 --> 00:17:05,999
Oh, yeah,
yeah, I do.
417
00:17:05,999 --> 00:17:07,999
Wait, is this
funny to you?
418
00:17:07,999 --> 00:17:10,999
Um, a little, yeah.
419
00:17:10,999 --> 00:17:13,999
Look, your kids had a lot
of really smart questions
420
00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:15,999
about life
and I answered them.
421
00:17:15,999 --> 00:17:19,999
Vaness, I know it seems cool to
treat kids like adults,
422
00:17:19,999 --> 00:17:21,999
but you know how
these people are.
423
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,999
Are we talking
about them or you?
424
00:17:24,999 --> 00:17:26,999
What is that
supposed to mean?
425
00:17:26,999 --> 00:17:30,999
Jill, you've had your head so
far up your sister-in-law's ass,
426
00:17:30,999 --> 00:17:32,999
you don't even realize
what's happening to you.
427
00:17:32,999 --> 00:17:34,999
You're turning
into one of them.
428
00:17:34,999 --> 00:17:35,999
That is not true.
429
00:17:35,999 --> 00:17:38,999
Oh, my--don't make me
go down the list.
430
00:17:38,999 --> 00:17:44,999
Sip n' See Host,
NACHO Vice Chair, godmommy.
431
00:17:44,999 --> 00:17:45,999
And blowing me off?
432
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:47,999
More than once?
433
00:17:47,999 --> 00:17:48,999
Like, can you just admit
434
00:17:48,999 --> 00:17:51,999
you're actually
enjoying all this stuff?
435
00:17:51,999 --> 00:17:55,999
I-I think I'd respect
you more if you did.
436
00:17:55,999 --> 00:17:57,999
Cut me a break.
It's Andy's family.
437
00:17:57,999 --> 00:17:59,999
I mean,
if I piss them off...
438
00:17:59,999 --> 00:18:02,999
But it's okay to piss me off?
439
00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:04,999
[sighs]
440
00:18:04,999 --> 00:18:07,999
Remember that pact we made?
441
00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:10,999
You said, if I ever saw you
at one of those hat luncheons,
442
00:18:10,999 --> 00:18:12,999
I should kidnap
and deprogram you.
443
00:18:12,999 --> 00:18:13,999
Remember that?
444
00:18:13,999 --> 00:18:16,999
That is not
what's happening here.
445
00:18:16,999 --> 00:18:17,999
Okay, well.
446
00:18:17,999 --> 00:18:20,999
Keep telling yourself that.
447
00:18:22,999 --> 00:18:24,999
You're just leaving?
448
00:18:24,999 --> 00:18:25,999
Yup.
449
00:18:25,999 --> 00:18:28,999
[somber music]
450
00:18:28,999 --> 00:18:29,999
[sighs]
451
00:18:29,999 --> 00:18:31,999
♪ ♪
452
00:18:32,999 --> 00:18:33,999
[door opening]
453
00:18:33,999 --> 00:18:34,999
Lex, hey, I got some--
454
00:18:34,999 --> 00:18:36,999
[moaning]
455
00:18:36,999 --> 00:18:37,999
- What the...?
- Oh, sháá.
456
00:18:37,999 --> 00:18:38,999
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
457
00:18:38,999 --> 00:18:40,999
- Oh, my!
- Andy!
458
00:18:40,999 --> 00:18:42,999
Andy, hey, Andy.
459
00:18:42,999 --> 00:18:43,999
[rock music]
460
00:18:49,999 --> 00:18:51,999
This is a new low.
461
00:18:51,999 --> 00:18:52,999
Even for you.
462
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,999
Well, I'm sorry.
463
00:18:54,999 --> 00:18:55,999
Not everybody can be
as perfect as you.
464
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,000
I know that's
hard to believe.
465
00:18:57,999 --> 00:19:00,999
This is not about me
in any way shape or form, Lex.
466
00:19:00,999 --> 00:19:01,999
This is about you.
467
00:19:01,999 --> 00:19:05,999
Would you just stop judging me
for, like, a minute
468
00:19:05,999 --> 00:19:07,999
and hear me out?
469
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,000
What?
470
00:19:09,999 --> 00:19:11,999
Look.
471
00:19:11,999 --> 00:19:14,999
I love Brooke.
I do.
472
00:19:14,999 --> 00:19:19,999
But being married to her is
like living on an army base.
473
00:19:19,999 --> 00:19:20,999
She's a hard ass.
474
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:25,000
The other night she threw a sháá
fit because I dried my hands
475
00:19:24,999 --> 00:19:26,999
on one of the good towels.
476
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,999
[laughs softly]
477
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,000
You're lucky, man.
You have Jill.
478
00:19:30,999 --> 00:19:32,999
Jill's Jill.
She's fun.
479
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:36,000
Jill is Jill.
I'll give you that.
480
00:19:35,999 --> 00:19:37,999
But marriage is work.
481
00:19:37,999 --> 00:19:39,999
See, that's
just the thing.
482
00:19:39,999 --> 00:19:41,999
When I go home,
Brooke is the boss.
483
00:19:41,999 --> 00:19:43,999
It's like I'm walking
on eggshells.
484
00:19:43,999 --> 00:19:46,999
And then I come here,
and there's this laid-back girl
485
00:19:46,999 --> 00:19:48,999
and she lets me
touch her boobies.
486
00:19:48,999 --> 00:19:50,999
'Cause she works for you!
487
00:19:50,999 --> 00:19:52,999
You didn't exactly
invent the concept
488
00:19:52,999 --> 00:19:54,999
of screwing your secretary.
489
00:19:54,999 --> 00:19:57,999
Look...
490
00:19:57,999 --> 00:19:59,999
I regret it.
491
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,999
And I was weak.
492
00:20:01,999 --> 00:20:04,999
And I will never let it
happen again.
493
00:20:04,999 --> 00:20:06,999
Okay?
494
00:20:10,999 --> 00:20:12,999
[rock music]
495
00:20:13,999 --> 00:20:14,999
♪ ♪
496
00:20:14,999 --> 00:20:16,999
Mommy. Mommy.
497
00:20:16,999 --> 00:20:17,999
Mommy.
498
00:20:17,999 --> 00:20:19,999
Mommy.
499
00:20:19,999 --> 00:20:20,999
Mommy.
500
00:20:20,999 --> 00:20:21,999
Jill.
501
00:20:22,999 --> 00:20:23,999
Miles, what's going on?
502
00:20:23,999 --> 00:20:27,999
I was sliding down a rainbow,
then Dora the Explorer
503
00:20:27,999 --> 00:20:30,999
set it on fire and kept saying,
"Can you say climate change?"
504
00:20:30,999 --> 00:20:32,999
Over and over.
505
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,999
Okay, sweetheart.
You just had a bad dream.
506
00:20:34,999 --> 00:20:39,999
Come here.
507
00:20:39,999 --> 00:20:42,999
If there's no magic
or fairies and just bad stuff
508
00:20:42,999 --> 00:20:44,999
like diseases and war,
what's left?
509
00:20:44,999 --> 00:20:47,999
Well, honey, I think there's
something even better
510
00:20:47,999 --> 00:20:50,999
than fairies,
and that's family.
511
00:20:50,999 --> 00:20:52,999
Is Aunt Vanessa
part of our family?
512
00:20:52,999 --> 00:20:56,999
Well, no, but we call her Aunt
Vanessa because we love her.
513
00:20:56,999 --> 00:20:57,999
A lot.
514
00:20:57,999 --> 00:21:00,999
Then why were you guys
fighting tonight?
515
00:21:00,999 --> 00:21:04,999
Or were those just grown up play
noises like you do with Daddy?
516
00:21:04,999 --> 00:21:05,999
You can hear that?
517
00:21:05,999 --> 00:21:06,999
Where is Daddy?
518
00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:08,999
He'll be home soon, angel.
519
00:21:08,999 --> 00:21:10,999
But we have to go
to sleep, okay?
520
00:21:10,999 --> 00:21:13,999
Good night.
I'm rolling over.
521
00:21:17,999 --> 00:21:19,999
Let's face it.
522
00:21:19,999 --> 00:21:22,999
It's time to get rid of
the electoral college.
523
00:21:22,999 --> 00:21:23,999
Are boogers a carb?
524
00:21:23,999 --> 00:21:26,999
When will my boob jobs grow in?
525
00:21:26,999 --> 00:21:30,999
It all comes down to
campaign finance reform.
526
00:21:30,999 --> 00:21:33,999
Until then,
we're stuck with the status quo.
527
00:21:33,999 --> 00:21:37,999
Given the state of the world
today, I'd argue yes.
528
00:21:37,999 --> 00:21:40,999
We still need feminism.
529
00:21:40,999 --> 00:21:42,999
(Jill voice-over)
For more Odd Mom Out,
go to Bravotv.com
530
00:21:43,999 --> 00:21:44,999
(girl)
Oh, dear.
36814
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