Original subtitles

(male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series.

Yes, I-- No, I completely understand,

and I apologize profusely.

It will never happen again.

What did you do now? Let me hold those.

That was the preschool ripping me a new ing.

They rip you a new one every day.

They're abusive.

Hazel started this new badminton clinic--

bane of my existence--

that starts right at the same time as the twins' pickup,

so I've been late a couple times,

but what am I supposed to do?

As my dad says, you can't dance

at two bar mitzvahs with one tuches.

Maybe it's time to get over your nanny complex

and hire someone.

Sorry, but I am not gonna be one of those women

who doesn't work and has a nanny.

Yeah, what are they doing all day, other than not eating?

Blowouts, luncheons,

and committee meetings for their charities.

I have one tomorrow for Brooke's stupid Nacho event.

Okay, if that isn't a wake-up call to get back to work,

then I don't know what is.

Trust me, I am planning on going back to work

once the twins start kindergarten,

unless they don't get in anywhere,

in which case I'll be homeschooling them.

Well, I wouldn't judge you for hiring a nanny, for the record.

Do you know how expensive a nanny is?

No, and I don't have time to find out.

- I have to run back to work. - Oh, no, you can't!

I have all these ideas for your 40th birthday--

male strippers, hung like a daikon.

Yes, next time. Mwah.

[smooches] Love you.

[crunches]

I didn't have lunch.

♪♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪♪

♪♪ I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine ♪♪

No, I would never use that florist again.

She wore overalls when she delivered the centerpieces.

So sorry, I had the craziest morning

trying to get the kids to school.

Miles had his first accident in over a year--

total "code brown" situation on Madison Avenue.

Make an amendment to the Nacho Gala meeting notes

that Jill Weber did, in fact, show up.

So we need a great theme for the Nacho Gala.

Fat kids around the world are counting on our creativity.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Already been done. NAG, Nut Allergy Gala.

Gay Paris.

MAST, Mothers Against Strep Throat.

Game of Thrones.

I am going to pretend I didn't hear that.

- '80s prom. - Bright lights, big hair?

Desperately seeking shoulder pads?

Literally having PTSD flashbacks of my real nose.

Sorry.

It's brilliant, just brilliant.

It'll inspire those chunks to get fit for prom.

Plus, I never had a prom.

I was too busy training for Nagano.

Motion to accept '80s prom?

- Motion accepted. - Accepted.

Rad!

You know that I live for my kids,

but sometimes it's hard not to miss the old days.

You remember how sex used to be?

Oh, man, I hope I'm not coming down with what Miles had.

It just sucks

that you can't touch their boobs anymore, right?

Well, I think right after they give birth, they're sore.

No, I mean, like, ever.

Sorry. Brooke never lets you touch her boobs?

Of course not.

You can't touch their boobs after they had a baby.

- [snickers, coughs] - What?

Nothing.

Does Jill let you touch hers?

That is not fair.

Everyone's different. [coughing]

I am definitely getting sick.

Now, who's up for lobster rolls with no buns in Kennebunkport.

Wheels up, bitches!

I wish I could go, but I can't.

Relax, I have to be back by 4:30 for physical therapy.

Come on, let's haul ass to Teterboro.

I have to pick up my kids.

Jill, you've got to staff up

so you can lean in to motherhood.

I don't think that's what Sheryl Sandberg meant.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

Sheryl and I are Facebook friends.

She likes basically everything I post.

I don't know. I just feel too guilty having a full-time nanny.

It's just not how I was raised.

Jill, you were 30 minutes late

to the most important meeting of your life.

You guys can afford it

now that Andy is making real money at Hercules.

Plus, you smell like...

children,

even from here.

[sniffing]

Help me help you. Get some help.

How's tomorrow?

Isn't it easier to just go through a nanny agency?

I'm better than an agency.

You need to observe them in their natural habitat.

Move in and bring them home.

You just described poaching.

Don't tell me you have a problem with that too.

Okay, what's his deal? Is he a "manny"?

No, that is the freaky stay-at-home dad.

He's probably a failed novelist.

Tibetans are the "it" nannies right now,

but they're impossible to find.

Jamaican nannies are know-it-alls,

but they'll love your kids to death.

Okay, you do realize those are gross generalizations, right?

That one's Mormon. They're great.

They don't drink, and they don't go out at night.

The Serbian nannies follow the kids around

like Obama's Secret Service.

The kids are safe but on edge,

like Sasha and Malia-- also my Facebook friends.

Hold the phone. Mingler in the white uniform.

And notice she's attentive

but just far enough away to give the child freedom.

Manners.

She's like a Filipino Mary Poppins.

Nanny crush!

Now approach her and tell her

you wish you had a nanny just like her.

If she seems hesitant,

offer to double her pay and throw in some swag.

I'd stay, but I have PT.

Again?

What, did you pull a muscle or something?

Um, just an old skiing injury.

Oh, here she comes.

Toodles.

I thought I was the only one

who washed oranges before cutting into them.

[laughs]

I even wash cantaloupe, grapefruit, pineapple.

It's kept Hugo healthy for years.

He's very lucky to have you.

So do you have any friends

who are as conscientious as you are?

How many kids? Are they potty trained?

Do you allow gluten in the house?

Three kids, potty trained-ish,

and we are very pro-gluten.

I've never done this before, but I am very unhappy.

If you will match my salary,

throw in a Canada goose coat and a Burberry umbrella,

we can talk.

(Hadassa) Now tighten and relax.

And tighten and relax.

Work that pelvic floor.

Now squeeze. Squeeze.

I am squeezing.

Oi.

Hadassa, your people say that in times of disappointment.

What else can I do to tighten up down there?

I was told that you're the best,

but I'm still so loosey-goosey.

I felt the same way after my first one.

But 11 kids later, my vaginal walls

are tighter than a tennis racket.

I think it's time to bring out the big guns.

This is called e-stim.

It's short for "electronic stimulation."

It works wonders.

So which one of these probes

most closely resembles your husband's penis, okay?

This one?

Smaller.

This one?

Smaller.

This one?

Um...

smaller.

We are talking about an erect penis here.

[chuckles] He makes up for it in other ways.

This one?

And that brings us back to the living room.

Welcome to Casa de Weber.

Thank you, Mrs. Weber.

I assume I am not allowed upstairs?

First of all, call me Jill, and there is no upstairs.

And you don't have to wear that uniform.

Do you have something more comfortable you can change into?

- Of course. - Great.

If you're unhappy about anything,

you just let me know.

We're a team.

Jill and Rowena-- Jillwena.

(Andy) Hi. I'm sick.

Oh, my God. Rowena, this is my husband, Andy.

Nice to meet you. Oh, my head is a cinder block,

I got golf balls in my throat...

- I'll get you some Tylenol. - It's not gonna help!

[coughing] Nothing's gonna help.

[whispering] He's the biggest baby when he's sick.

True for all men, but in my country,

we treat with food, not medicine.

Come to bed.

I will make you my homemade chicken soup.

My nanny Yaya used to make that. With noodles and dill?

- Mm-hmm. You got it. - Daddy's home!

Guys, guys, guys, no, no, no.

Daddy can't. He has plague. There's plague upon us.

My dumplings!

We are going to play a wonderful game

called "Gather Washcloths For Daddy."

[children shouting]

[chuckles] You are magical.

All right, Andy, honey, I got to get you to bed.

Oh, Jill, please. You just relax.

I am here now.

Come on.

[line trilling]

[cell phone rings] - Hey.

I just hired a nanny. Me.

Really?

Does that mean you're going back to work?

Definitely... eventually...

at some point.

Anyway, I'm just test-driving the nanny thing right now,

and so far, it is crystal meth and crack in a blender.

Do you want to grab coffee? I'm dying to plan your birthday.

Yes, but I'll need a real drink after the shift I'm having.

The diner in ten?

Perfect. I'm literally walking out the door,

because I can-- I have a nanny.

Rowena, I see you got more comfortable.

I was just stepping out.

We have a big problem on our hands.

I'm sorry. I must quit.

What?

[sirens wailing]

[voice mail beeps]

Jill, I'm at the diner waiting for you...

getting concerned looks about my mid-morning rosé.

Call me.

Hey, relax. I'm a doctor.

I just got off my shift.

This is technically my happy hour.

Jillian, hey!

Hi. I thought you were meeting a friend.

So did I.

If it makes you feel better,

I was once aggressively recruited

by an AA sponsor here.

We spent the last three hours pumping raspberry cosmos

out of a 10th grader's stomach.

Can you blame us for needing a drink?

(both) Cheers.

[glasses clink]

I still don't understand why you want to quit.

[exhales sharply]

[both coughing]

I am allergic to dust.

You hire a maid, or I must leave.

No, I already have one-- Sofia.

- I know she's not the best. - She's terrible.

Okay, I'll hire another housekeeper. Done.

But I will be out tomorrow. My kids' school is closed.

Well, bring them over. My kids will love it.

Fine. I must get back to work.

Oh, what is my problem?

I can't believe I'm just shopping!

It feels so decadent!

I just don't know why I resisted

this nanny thing for so long.

I mean, my kids are happy. My husband's happy.

I showered and actually shaved both legs.

You will never go back.

I just hope Rowena likes

the housekeeper you're sending over.

Jill, you can't worry about the nanny.

She works for you.

If Rowena's not happy, I'm not happy.

You are such a socialist.

I'm just glad that you are enjoying

the perks of motherhood.

Isn't it nice having money?

Kind of.

Oh, let's grab a drink at ABC Kitchen.

Yeah!

Rowena, guess what.

Shh.

[whispering] Sorry.

My sister-in-law got us a really great housekeeper

And I got the name of an immigration lawyer

for your cousin.

- Why are we whispering? - I just got the kids down.

Oh, I missed them?

I guess it's later than I thought.

Well, I guess I'll go check on Andy.

No, no, no, no, no. I just got him down too.

Oh, well, I'll make the kids' lunches.

Already done.

Check Hazel's homework? Start the laundry?

- Set the coffee? - It's all done.

I'll take out the recycling.

Done.

Okay, well I guess I'll just slam back

some valium and wine and sleep for two days.

Would you like me to open the bottle?

I was kidding.

[slowed] There's nothing

for you to do, Jill.

Nothing.

See you tomorrow.

Nothing.

So now that I have a full-time nanny

and two housekeepers, I'm wondering,

what do you guys still do, I mean, for your kids?

Well, I always give them their baths.

Oh.

Wait. I don't really do that anymore.

Oh.

I still do the girls' hair.

You do?

Oh, scratch that. Kasey's the hair wizard.

I mean, she did mine today.

Oh, pretty.

I read to them before bed...

unless I'm at the 7:00 Move Your Booty class.

Which is every weeknight, right?

No, no, it's just Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

I wish they had a Friday class, but they don't.

I mean, you probably all still eat dinner together, right?

Sometimes?

- Not really. - I wait for Lex.

I don't eat dinner.

[door opens, closes]

Hey.

Hey, nuggets, I missed you.

Hi, Dakota. Hi, Madison.

Shh. Rowena's teaching us how to make friendship bracelets.

Okay, sorry. How's everyone else doing?

I have your sandwiches.

Manama, turkey no cheese.

Sofia, apple brie and honey mustard.

And for my goddess, Ro, veggie burger, no bun.

I can call you Ro, right?

No, Rowena, please.

- Sorry. - [coughing]

Andy, what are you doing out of bed?

Manama said she had to change the sheets.

- The sheets can wait. [dog barks]

Aah! Why is there a dog in my house?

Fazile is like my child.

If Rowena may bring her kids, I will bring my Fazile.

Rowena, can I have some milk?

It's Mommy. You know what?

I'm going to take you all to the Met tomorrow.

That won't work.

They have a playdate with the Yelins.

Okay, well, I'll take them Thursday.

Mo Willems is reading at the library.

(Andy) Somebody bring me a tissue box!

Coming!

No, no, no. That's what I'm here for.

(Jillian) Did you watch the finale last night?

I was bawling.

What are you talking about? I was laughing, it was so bad.

- Oh, good. - Hi.

You made it. This is Jillian.

- Hi. - Hi.

She's the one saving my life on the graveyard shift.

Oh, right, right.

Sorry. Am I intruding?

No, not at all.

I've been hearing all about you.

- Have a seat. - Sit.

Oh, thanks.

So, is Jillian with a "G"?

Nope, I'm a "J" girl.

Same here.

[both chuckle awkwardly]

Anyway, I thought we were going to talk birthday stuff,

but we can do that another time.

It's done. Jillian had the best idea.

Tortilla Flats-- no fuss, no muss.

What more do I need. Right?

I guess, if that's what you want.

Um, should I see about renting out the whole place?

Oh, Jillian knows the manager.

It's taken care of.

What if I book a mariachi band

and get a piñata and little sombreros maybe?

Relax, there's nothing for you to do.

[slowed] Nothing.

[cell phone ringing] - Oh, sorry.

Hello?

I always buy their clothes.

Huh?

That's what I still do for my kids.

It was driving me crazy.

I am very involved in their fashion.

Okay, good for you. Sorry.

[cell phone ringing] - Oh, shoot.

Sorry. It's my nanny.

- Sorry. - Oh.

Hi, Rowena.

[Vanessa and Jillian speaking indistinctly]

[scoffs] Sorry.

Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.

Sorry. You would not believe this.

My new housekeeper made my old housekeeper walk the dog,

and now my nanny's going totally shááhouse.

Like, shoot me!

And I have to find a drugstore

that sells the right Swiffers.

Anyway, I have to run now.

But it was really nice meeting you.

Bye, honey. I'll call you later.

Bye.

I have no idea who that was.

Oi. Oi yoi yoi yoi.

Hadassa, how much longer is this therapy going to take?

With his putz and your shmundie,

it's not a good shidduch.

It could take another 6 to 12 months of work

if you want to avoid surgery

that anyone with any sechel would.

Okay, I didn't understand anything that you just said,

but I heard the word "surgery," and I want that.

I don't need this alternative sháá.

But thank you so much. Send me the bill.

Shabbat shalom!

It's not Shabbat!

"And oil was rubbed

"in the wounds of our Savior

to increase His suffering."

And that is the end of chapter four

of Jesus' crucifixion.

One more chapter. Come on.

Rowena!

(all) Rowena! Rowena!...

Hi. Can I speak with you for a second?

Yeah.

I ain't walking no fáááing dog.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Honey, I can't do this.

I don't know where I fit in.

I mean, the kids are calling me Rowena.

You won't let me check on you.

You hate taking care of me when I'm sick.

That's true, and I also hate making the kids' lunches,

but this is what I signed up for, right?

I mean, I feel too guilty

having other people do what I should be doing.

Well, you got to get over that.

We're paying them to work, plain and simple.

They're in our home, taking care of our kids.

It's very personal.

Boris is having an angioplasty tomorrow.

Who's Boris?

Manama's husband. I'm very worried.

Jill, you need to learn to detach.

My mother never used to worry about any of this stuff.

I'm sure she doesn't even know

if her housekeeper has a husband.

I'm not your mother.

I'm sorry, hon. I tried, but I can't do this.

You have to fire them all. Let me know how it goes.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is your decision. You're doing it. You.

Aah!

Okay, I'm doing this.

I'm scared. I can't do this.

I have to go to the bathroom again.

Listen to me. Just be firm.

Keep it short, detached. You can do it.

Guys, I have some bad news.

I'm afraid this isn't working out.

We're so happy we found you,

and you've all been such a big help

and a joy to be around.

And you're going to get two months' salary.

What are they trying to say?

I think we're getting bonuses.

Oh, the timing could not be better.

Guys, guys, you're not getting bonuses.

It's severance. Today will be your last day.

- No, no. - What? No, he no say that.

- No. - Sorry.

I'm sorry, and I will write you all recommendations

that glow in the dark.

And I hope we can all be friends, right?

Keep in touch.

Help yourself to some mini muffins on the way out.

You can keep your fáááing mini muffins.

[line trilling]

[cell phone ringing] - Hey!

(Jill) Jillian seems cool.

Sorry, what?

Jillian seems cool. Sorry I was so distracted.

I got rid of the entire staff, for what it's worth.

I hope I don't regret it.

I'm sorry, I'm catching every other word.

Oh, just nothing.

So--so, Tortilla Flats--

do you want to do something more special?

Sorry. It's really hard to hear.

We'll talk tomorrow.

Sure. You go do your thing. What time do you--

[cell phone beeping] - Hello?

[distant crash]

What was that?

(Hazel) Sorry. I knocked over the fish bowl.

Oh, sháá.

(Miles) Mommy, I had another accident!

Again? Seriously?

All right, I'll get the wipes.

(Andy) I think I'm going to be sick.

- [retching] - Oh, my God.

(Hazel) There's water everywhere!

- [gasps] - Rowena, you scared me.

I came back to return my key,

and I thought you might reconsider keeping me on

in a way that works for you.

Thank you, but--

(Andy) Oh, God, here it comes again!

(Miles) The doodie's everywhere!

All right, you take the puke. I'll take the sháá.

Done.

Jillwena! Jillwena!

Jillwena!

(Jill) For more Odd Mom Out, go to bravotv.com.

[seagulls crying] - Oh, dear.

(woman) Left, right, left, right, left right!