Original subtitles

(announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series.

I want to thank each and every one of you

for coming out today-- Simone, Stephanie.

Annabelle, you came all the way from Greenwich.

And I want to thank Jill for heroically swooping in

at the last minute to host my Sip n' See.

My mother-in-law Candace was originally supposed to host

at her penthouse, which is much larger and not a walk-up,

but she decided that her back hurt too much.

We're just grateful that she's still alive

to see her seventh grandchild, Langley.

(all) Aw!

Jill, you've truly become...

my touchstone,

- my rock. - Thank you, Brooke.

- [sobs] - If you had told me a month ago

that I'd be hosting your Sip n' See,

I would've said, "what the hell is a Sip n' See?"

But here we are, sippin' and seein'.

Where is that little nugget Langley anyway?

Asleep.

Okay, well, enjoy the Sip n' See. Okay.

♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪

♪ I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine ♪

Talk to me, broha. Are you ready

to officially become a full-on Hercules employee?

Oh, I know, I know, I gotta roll over my 401K.

No, no, no, I'm talking about the executive

orientation package.

The usual starter order,

ten custom suits,

- five pairs of shoes. - Oh, no.

It's part of the welcome package for everyone, except assistants.

Oh.

Well, okay. [laughs]

Uh, since I have you, look, let's go over

these proposed tax amendments on exports to China.

Let's not and say we did.

Your only job right now is becoming Herculean

from the outside in.

It's 11:00 a.m.

Not in China it ain't. Gan Bei.

[clinking glasses]

Whoo! That's what I'm talking about.

Kira, remove this man's shirt and his pants.

Candace, oh, is it your back? I have Motrin.

Uh, no, no, no, no, I never accept strangers' medication.

I learned that the hard way in Japan

after I popped a pill and woke up the prize

in a fan dancing competition.

Jill? K-keep taking pictures, please.

And Simone needs a refill.

Absolutely, on it. Okay.

Well, I guess I should go check on the baby nurse,

and also the baby... Langley.

I'm going to say what everybody's thinking.

Langley is a dog's name.

More baby-tinis anyone? (all) Yes.

Okay.

In love.

Balenciaga. Gap kids.

You ladies are fishies. Okay.

Jared is so into anal right now.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss blowjobs.

Mm. my husband's suddenly interested

in l'autre passage too.

At least I get to hold the remote during anal.

Yeah.

Last week we did it so much, I watched all of The Help.

Wait, you guys are taking it in the chocolate starfish?

You're not?

Hell to the no!

There's, like, a Ghostbuster sign back there.

Wait, you've never done anal?

Wow, I have a friend at the Style section

that would love to do a story on you.

Why am I the last to know about all this hooker stuff

that then becomes wifely duties?

Jill, don't you want your man to have you

in every way possible?

I'm pretty sure he's happy

with the 1 1/2 ways I've been offering.

Mm.

Okay, what are you hens clucking about?

Oh, nothing.

Just anal sex.

French third base?

I'm very familiar. [laughs]

And now, that endless stairwell.

Good-bye, girls.

[mouthing words] Oh, my God.

[quirky funk music]

[siren blaring]

[sound distorting]

♪ ♪

[car horn honking]

Just got the good news.

Rutherford got into McAllister School.

Gotta love early sibling acceptance.

I almost forgot today was sibling notification day.

I really hope Dottie gets into Hazel's school,

then at least one of my twins will be set.

She'll get in.

Lynn's kids started masturbating with castanets in her interview,

and she still got into her big sister's school.

[phone ringing]

Oh, it's Chloe's school. Yes? She did?

Oh, okay, good, thank you.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Thank you! We're thrilled

to have two children at Nightingale.

[phone ringing]

Oh, my phone.

Ah.

It's Hazel's School.

Hello? Yes, this is she.

Oh. Um, okay.

Thanks for letting me know.

Do you guys want topped-off or any more drinks or it's okay?

Oh, no!

It's--it's fine.

Sweetie!

Oh!

Oh.

[ringtone]

Talk to me!

"Talk to me?" Okay, we'll deal with that later.

Dottie did not get into Hazel's school.

What?

No way.

Wait, am I on speaker? Is that Lex?

Do you guys need some privacy?

Because that, like, really blows.

No, I should get back to the party.

[ringtone]

Hey. Aren't you hosting that slip and slide thing right now?

It's a Sip n' See, and yes, that's why I'm calling.

I'm beyond miz.

Ugh, I begged you not to do this.

I didn't have a choice. Brooke was literally weeping

into the phone when Candace bailed on hosting.

I was trying to be polite. I didn't think she'd accept.

So what's so horrible? Is she lobbing

passive aggressive grenades about your fridge again?

No, she's been bizarro warm

ever since I delivered her baby.

But she just smothered me with pity hugs

when I told her that Dottie didn't get into Hazel's School.

What? I'm gonna egg that place.

Thanks, but my point is that Brooke is a master manipulator.

She's not a real friend.

I mean, it's like 7th grade all over again,

when Shawna Goldstone decided we were BFFs so she could

copy my homework and steal frozen Kit Kats from my house.

Jill, you have a real BFF who only copied your homework once,

that time I tried to do my own taxes.

It was so much easier when Brooke treated me

like gum on her shoe.

I mean, now I actually care what she thinks of me. Why?

Honey, please don't go off the deep end about this.

Just get through the party, keep your sense of humor,

and put the cake down. Okay? I gotta go.

Love you.

How did she know I was eating cake?

Thank you, Akira.

And now...

for the final step in your Herculean makeover,

Melody, Andy. Andy, Melody.

[door opening] - Betty, people are asking--

Brooke, there you are.

Betty had to use the bathroom. I said I'd cover.

Oh, well, everyone's dying to see baby Langley.

Look at that face!

You mean that acne. It's like I'm looking

at Bill Gates' 9th grade yearbook photo.

I wish I could just store her away

and pick her up in five months, like my winter furs.

Just get her away from me.

You can let people see her, but be quick about it.

Here, put this hat on her.

There we go, just like that.

Okay, don't want to smother your newborn, so--

Oh, no, no, no, you're fine. A little lower.

Okay, I just don't want her to suffocate.

It's okay, much better.

Okay. Who wants to meet baby Langley?

(all) Aw!

Well, thanks for coming. Whoo!

I guess all I have left to do is clean up this war zone.

[sobs]

I'm sorry. I'm thinking about Langley.

Her hair is coming in brown.

No offense.

Listen, a lot of women

go through post partum depression, even celebrities.

Actually, especially celebrities.

And me.

I was like a fountain soda machine of tears and snot

after the twins, and then I got help.

Maybe this will cheer you up.

Candace basically announced to the whole party

that she's done anal.

Who hasn't?

Me!

I've had poos that make me weep.

Lex and I don't even use the other hole.

Not that we've had sex since the baby.

But this is Candace we're talking about.

By the way, did she seem a little out of it to you?

Please. She should win

a daytime Emmy for that "sore back,

I'm suddenly old and crippled" routine.

The woman is a raging narcissist.

I can spot 'em a mile away.

She just couldn't stand to have a day that was all about me.

And Langley.

Right.

Candace is fine.

Wow, Barbara Walters really isn't handling retirement well.

[phone ringing]

Mrs. Von Weber.

It's me, Jill's friend Vanessa.

We met at the wedding.

And Miles' Bris.

And all of their birthday parties.

- Victoria! - No.

What are you doing here dressed like a doctor?

Oh, it's Vanessa, and I am a doctor.

Oh. Oh, this says you're a vagrant

ODing on what looks like three Vicodin

and enough alcohol to sterilize a subway car.

What happened?

I injured my back whilst making love...

with my lover.

That's right, I'm in love, with a lover.

- Um-- - And we make love.

Okay, and is that where the painkillers came in?

Yes, and I may have had too many spirits

at Jill's apartment, but I had to drink,

or I'd think of my grandchildren sharing a room

and I'd get emotional.

I have to go.

Oh, there's no way you can stand

with that much gin in your blood.

Also for an OD, we can't release you without a psych consult,

so sleep this off while you wait for a--

Ooh.

Okay, that's good.

- Hi, guys. - Hey.

You hangin' in there?

Yeah, there may not be a place for Dottie in kindergarten,

but there's a place for her in heaven.

My daughter's alive.

She just didn't get into Hazel's school.

It's not the end of the world, guys.

That's the spirit.

(Stephanie) It is just so sad. (Simone) It's so sad.

That woman you sent.

Oh, she give you the, uh, full treatment there?

It's not funny and it can't ever happen again ever.

How am I supposed to explain this to Jill?

This is all part of the good life, bro.

You'll get used to it.

Still no psych resident?

Just sitting here like an immigrant on ObamaCare.

Valerie, forgot how times have changed and your kind can marry.

Who's the lucky lady?

Not gay, not married.

I've just been wearing this here lately

because drunk dudes facing their own mortality

find me irresistible. It's just easier if I'm married.

I never found anything easier when I was married.

Wait, didn't your husband die in a tragic accident?

Yes. You know,

he wanted to go swimming with great white sharks

and got eaten by one of them.

And don't you dare tell Jill this, but every year,

on our anniversary, I watch Jaws,

and I laugh my ass off.

[both laughing] - Okay.

[phone ringing]

Excuse me just a minute, I have to take this.

Dr. Wrigley.

Hey, what's the haps? You're four minutes late.

Yes, there's been a delay, but I can be there momentarily.

Oh. Oh, code. Celebrity patient?

Copy that.

Was it an actress?

Reality star?

Podcast celebrity?

- I'm not saying. - Come on,

you know everything on that menu.

You're just torturing me.

[text alert]

Okay, I just got another batch of emoji hearts from Brooke.

You realize you don't have to instantly respond

to all of her texts and emojis, right?

[text alert]

Now she's putting in a good word at Shipley's School

and sending us Rutherford's interview coach.

It's like she's suddenly so into me.

Looks like the feeling is mutual.

[text alert]

Okay, now she just sent frowny faces,

a gun, and a soft serve sháá swirl.

Did I mention she's total post-partum-palooza?

Jill, I'm about to confiscate that.

Okay, okay, sorry, so rude. [exhales]

Have lunch with your phone, babe, I could go.

She just has this power over me.

She's Lucifer in white jeggings.

Stop feeding the beast.

You're right. Please forgive.

For the rest of the day, I will be 100% Brooke free.

On my nut sack.

[text alerts]

Thank God you could meet me.

You're the only person I can talk to about this stuff.

I still just feel so distant from Langley.

Have you ever considered holding her?

Jill, you're so crunchy.

Even breast feeding's atrocious this time around.

It's physically painful.

Okay, I'm the only one that's gonna tell you this,

but if the nursing's making you miserable, ditch it.

I can't. I need Langley to be smart,

especially with that face.

I didn't breastfeed my kids and they're smart.

God, Jill, I've been so self involved,

I completely forgot all about your issues.

Poor Dottie.

And I'm worried about your sex life.

Have you given any more thought

to popping your back door cherry?

I don't know if Andy would go for it.

You've had three kids, no C-sections.

Can either of you even feel sex anymore?

Yes, Brooke. We're doing okay.

My point is, Andy will want to try anal.

And if he doesn't, then you've got other problems.

Okay, I can't believe I'm asking this,

but any advice for a first timer?

Just one word.

Since when do you sleep in pajamas?

Oh, I just felt like it.

Well, I have a surprise for you.

Not sure I can handle a surprise tonight, honey.

Ta-da!

I'm offering you my ass virginity.

Oh. Um...

No, thank you.

"No, thank you"? I heard it's fun.

Babe, uh, uh...

No means no. [chuckles]

"No means no"?

[sighs]

Like, tonight, or no means no forever?

Just not feeling very well.

Sorry.

It's fine.

I had a rough day at the office.

At last, Sleeping Beauty awakens.

I said egg whites.

Oh, I'm not room service.

You're still at the hospital. We tried to wake you

for your psych eval twice, but we all thought

it was safer for everyone if you slept it off.

So let's just do this, you and I. Shall we?

[groans]

How often do you think about your own death?

Daily.

You think about your own death on a daily basis?

Oh, I'm constantly planning my funeral.

It's gonna be at the St. Regis, luncheon immediately following.

And take this down, if anybody serves those frozen mini quiches

I'm gonna rise up out of my coffin and--

Mrs. Von Weber, we're not party planning.

This is an evaluation for suicide risk.

But that's obviously not your problem.

Darling, it's just that wedding ring.

Plenty of eligible concussed men

must come through that door every day.

I just hate to see you cut yourself off from true love.

[laughs] I'm almost 40.

I think I've aged out of the true love fantasy.

I'm almost 50 and I found it.

The more of a catch you are, the longer it takes

to be caught, Veronica.

I'm sorry, is it Veronica or Veronique?

Veronique.

I thought so.

What's going on with you?

First, you turn down my rear window,

then you hide out in the closet rearranging your ties.

Babe...

It's not you, it's me.

[exhales sharply]

[sighs]

What happened to your pubes?

Were you standing in front of the microwave for too long?

I was pressured into a back, sack, and crack wax at work.

Too embarrassed to even look at my own schwantz,

let alone show you.

What?

Yeah.

Yeah, everybody at Hercules gets them.

Picture that for a second.

Do I have to?

It's supposed to make it look bigger, but I don't know.

What do you think?

I think you need to exfoliate.

[text alert]

Oh, my God, Brooke again.

"We need to talk"?

I know what's coming. She's dumping me.

I must have pissed her off somehow.

I'm terrified but excited at the same time.

If you want to dial back the friendship,

why don't you just tell her?

You mean be honest with Brooke about how I feel?

Are you trying to get me killed, Andy? Christ!

For the record, she's the reason

I even offered you French third base.

Who calls it that?

No one you know.

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Langley has a hard road ahead of her,

with her face and hair,

and I have a bad feeling about her teeth.

She needs someone to offer her extra guidance and support,

someone who understands what it's like to be imperfect.

Okay. And?

And you never make me feel bad, and you were so helpful

during my little bout with post partum.

Thank God that's over. [laughs]

Anyway, I'm hoping that you'll be Langley's godmother

even though technically, you believe in the wrong god.

Of course. I'm legitimately honored.

You're not just family anymore, you're one of my friends.

Also, I have good news.

I ran it by the committee, and you are

going to vice-chair my Nacho Gala.

I'm sorry, what?

New Yorkers Against Childhood Obesity,

the charity that I founded.

Yeah, I--thank you, but--

Welcome to the head table.

Oh. Oh.

[sobs quietly]

[sobs loudly]

- I don't know what to do! - Totally normal.

It's waves. It comes in waves.

- Oh! - It's okay.

Ready? Are we doing this?

I kind of feel like you're cheating on my vag

with my poop chute. Can we have a safe word?

Yeah. Let's just--

- Mmm, let's just try to relax. - Okay.

Okay, the safe word is "thermos."

- Okay. Fine. - Okay.

[sighs] Ow!

Ooh. I'm not even touching you yet.

Sorry, sorry.

Okay, here we go, for real this time.

[breathing sharply] Okay.

Ow. Ow. Ow!

Ow. Thermos!

(announcer) For more Odd Mom Out, go to BravoTV.com.

(woman) Left, right, left, right, left, right!