All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S01E06_English

(male announcer)
Next is a Bravo
scripted original series.

(Jill)
Previously on Odd Mom Out...

I hate schlepping
to Brooklyn.

I'm having
a total real estate boner.

Andy, I think we belong
in Brooklyn.

I'm Elliot, by the way.

Vanessa.

We've had three other bids
already.

Four.

- Mom!
- Dude, I'm ready to go here.

Honey, you seem very tense.

It's because
I just drank afterbirth.

Thank you, God, for returning us
to this wonderful neighborhood.

So baby number four,
good for you.

Thanks,
I'm Shamu.

There is a tumor with hair
coming out of my assáááá.

What is happening?

You're having this baby
the natural way.

No!

[bell jingling]

Do you need shampoo,
conditioner, anything?

Matt? Matt.

Jill.

Jill Kaplan.

Junior year abroad.

We dated.

We backpacked in Greece
and Turkey.

Right, right.

Wow.

Sorry.
I didn't recognize you.

You look different.

Is everything okay?

♪♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪♪

♪♪ I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine ♪♪

Brooke? Brooke?

Crystal?

Where is everybody?

Brooke, I came as fast
as I could.

I had to drop Hazel
at a neighbor's.

Brooke?

[swing music]

Brooke?

♪♪ ♪♪

- Brooke! Oh, thank God.
- Shh.

I'm concentrating
on keeping the baby inside.

I don't think
that's gonna work.

Well, then what should I do?

I think you
should have the baby.

No, no, no. That baby

is not coming out
through my Sally-Jane.

This isn't the dark ages.

[groaning]

I think another one's coming,

and I'm just not emotionally
prepared to have a preemie.

Brooke, it's the day
before your scheduled C.

That's not exactly the same
thing as having a preemie.

- [groans loudly]
- Ow, ow, ow!

Okay, we're gonna
get you to the hospital.

Have you called your doctor?

The bitch is in South Hampton,

and don't get me started
on the ambulance saga.

No one would promise
to take me to York Hospital,

and I am a York Hospital girl.

Okay, we're gonna
get you in a cab,

and we're gonna get you
to York Hospital.

- Thank you.
- We just have to

- walk down the staircase--
- Aah!

I'm not walking anywhere!
Aah!

Holy head of hair.

What happened
to your underwear?

I took them off
after my water broke.

Your water broke?

Were you gonna mention that?

Oh, my God,
this baby's coming out.

And you can't tell anyone
about this.

In fact, I keep non-disclosure
agreements in my top drawer.

Aah!

Okay, okay, breathe.
Breathe. Just breathe.

What's that brown stuff?

Did you track in mud?

No, it's doodie.

Gross, you took a dump
on my floor?

No, Brooke,
it's your doodie.

It's okay,
it's totally normal.

It happens to everyone.

Not to me, it doesn't.

Why isn't Lex
calling me back?

Where the hell is he!

Mmm.

This salted caramel really
tastes like salt and caramel.

I don't know
how they do that.

And it's, like,
half the calories?

I got to admit, this idea you
had about unplugging for the day

- was genius.
- I can't take credit for it.

I read this thing in HuffPo
about how we should all be

unplugging at least one day
a week.

Aren't you nervous?

I mean, I remember when Jill
was in her third trimester.

She wouldn't let
me put my phone on vibrate,

let alone turn it off.

Nah. Brooke's got
her C-section tomorrow.

She knows this is my last day
to just Zen-out, you know.

[screaming gibberish]

Siri, how do
I deliver a baby?

(Siri)
Let's see what we can find.

Here's what I found on the Web
for "how do I deliver a baby."

I don't have time
to read this sháá.

(Brooke)
Kill me, Jill.
Smother me with a pillow.

[groaning]

[eerie music]

♪♪ ♪♪

Where did that frog
come from?

Why is he staring at me
like that?

This is just Grenouille.

Every kid in Hazel's class
takes him home for the weekend,

and you take pictures
of all their adventures.

Of course, I'm the one
stuck hauling him around.

Stop talking.
Ugh.

Sorry.
Okay, think happy thoughts.

Think about your kids.

Bergdorfs, Barneys, Bloomies.

Bergdorfs, Barneys, Bloomies.

(both)
Bergdorfs, Barneys, Bloomies.

- Bergdorfs, Barneys, Bloomies.
- Oh, my God.

Why isn't Vanessa
calling me back? Oh!

[rock music]

♪♪ ♪♪

On a scale of one to ten,
how athletic are you?

Two, but I'm great at sex.

♪♪ ♪♪

[pot shattering]

♪♪ ♪♪

Is it done?

Is it out?

No, I think it went back in.

- Ooh. Ooh.
- Okay, give me those legs.

Don't you want to take
these off?

No! Aaah!

- Yes!
- [moaning]

[chanting in Hebrew]

- Oh, yeah.
- [moaning]

I got it.

I got it.

You remember when we used
to smoke doobs in this park

when I was in high school
and you were in law school?

[chuckles]
Now here we are,
babysitting our kids.

Lex, when they're your kids,
it's not babysitting.

See, this is why
I need you around,

to call me on my sháá.

I'm serious,
you should come be

my in-house compliance lawyer
at Hercules.

Easiest job in the world.

When have you ever complied
with the law, Lex?

You were laundering money

when you were making fake IDs
in junior high.

No, no, no, no, no.
that was seed money

for another business venture.

There's a difference.

Well, thanks,

but I think it's good
for me to have my own thing.

Come work at Hercules
for, like, five years.

If you're not having a blast,

you'll have enough money
to start your own firm

or go lay
on the beach somewhere

or open a gelato stand,
for all I care.

For me, it's all about family,
you know?

What else really matters?

Stop. Dad!

Okay, one more push.

It's gonna feel
like you're sháááing out a TV,

and then it's gonna be
all over.

- Okay?
- I can't, I can't do it.

Yes, you can!
You were an Olympian!

I'm not an Olympian.

I marched in the opening
ceremonies, but I never skied.

I was just an alternate.

And I'm not allergic to wheat.
I hate Candace.

I had a perm
in high school--

Wait, back up.
You hate Candace?

I thought you were
like Oprah and Gayle?

Oh!
I can't do this.

Yes, you can.

You are a ball-buster.

You are a bitch!

You hate me.

No, no, I meant it
in a nice way,

like the way sassy, gay
black guys say it.

- Aah!
- Okay.

Oh, my God.
Here she comes.

[both screaming]

[triumphant music]

♪♪ ♪♪

[baby crying]

[rock music]

Yes, she's gorge.
She's healthy.

And you were amazing.

You were like
the Incredible Hulk in heels.

I just have
to quickly call Andy

and tell him that Crystal's
gonna get Hazel, okay?

No, don't leave me, Jill.

No, just--I promise,
I'll be right there.

Two secs.

Andy Weber,
please leave a message.

[phone beeps]
- Andy, me again.

I'm getting into an ambulance.

So, if you can please go home
and get me some clean clothes

and meet me at York Hospital,
like, now!

Where are you?

You better be dead,
or I will kill you!

I just delivered a baby.

Me, all by myself.

Cut the cord
with Hello Kitty scissors.

Call me back.
Bye.

So what's it
gonna be, brah?

You coming
to Hercules or not?

[clears throat]

You know what?
Yes.

Let's do it.

Yes! Bro town is back, baby!
Yeah!

I have to talk to Jill first,
so don't--

[upbeat music]

♪♪ ♪♪

Oh, look.

22 texts from Brooke.

Delete, delete, delete.

Lex, look at them.

♪♪ ♪♪

So do you own or rent?

- Are you kidding?
[knock at door]

(woman)
NYPD, open up.

Let's go.

Hi, is there a problem,
officers?

You tell us. Someone reported
a domestic-violence situation.

- Oh.
- [laughs]

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

No, it's nothing
like that.

I've never actually
had a noise issue before.

This place is solid.

I'm a real estate broker, so
if you guys are ever looking--

Thanks, but we're gonna have
to question you both separately

and then fill out a report.

Oh, guys, as an ER doctor,
I applaud your vigilance,

but I promise
I wasn't being attacked.

I was just having
a really loud orgasm.

Well, more than one.

By my count, maybe four.

Two. More like two.

Let's say three
and aftershocks.

Things got a little crazy.
You guys know how it is.

Okay, stop.
Stop talking.

This will come out
with bleach.

I'm sure the school
won't even notice.

It's just human fluids.
It's totally natural.

Jill!
Honey, are you okay?

I can't believe
you delivered Brooke's baby.

Andy, shh, shh.

Now, listen closely, because
this is the official story.

I was coming back from Brooklyn
when Brooke called me

and told me that she was moving
her C-section a day early

for astrological reasons,
got it?

Yeah, got it. You look
like you murdered someone.

Okay, and Baby Langley
was seven pounds, three ounces,

not ten pounds, two ounces
and did not, I repeat not,

come through her Sally-Jane

which I was never
inside of, got it?

Now repeat it back to me.

You were coming back
from Brooklyn and--

Okay, fine.
Just give me the clothes.

- You have a thing--Okay.
- I don't care.

I have to take off this
vomitocious dress and burn it.

Ta-da.

Is this a joke?

What's wrong?

This is a red bandage dress.

We're in a hospital,
I'm not on a singles' cruise.

I'm sorry, honey.
It's the first thing I saw.

Plus, I love you
in this dress.

I haven't seen you in it
since the honeymoon.

Yeah, and if you'll recall,

that's why the zipper's broken,
but thank you.

[rock music]

♪♪ ♪♪

Brookey, honey bear,
you got to forgive me, huh?

I was out buying you
a little push present.

You like it? Yeah?

I'm thinking.

Oh, my dear children,
I heard the news.

I had my hair and nails done
and came right over.

- It looks good, Mom.
- You know,

I said to Fabian, "Do I look
like a grandmother of seven?"

And he said, "You won't
when I'm done with you!"

So sassy, don't you think?

So sassy.

Well, then I would like
to know the name

of my new granddaughter,

unless it's still
under lock and key.

It's Langley Emmeline
Lockheart von Weber.

Langley?

As in the CIA headquarters?

What--what happened to Maureen,
for my sister?

Uh, Shipley, MacCallister,
Rutherford, and Maureen?

Candace,
you have a whole new look.

Yes, so do you.

Did you hear
the new baby's name?

I remember when I was pregnant
with Anderson

and his name was gonna be
Horace, if it was a boy.

Guys, we just saw the baby.
She's beautiful.

She's beautiful.
Congratulations.

But when my mother-in-law
implored me to reconsider,

I realized that her happiness
was all that mattered.

How are you feeling,
any better?

Much.

Anyway, darling,
in happier news,

I heard you're going to work
for Alexander at Hercules.

No, no, no, not for, with.

Um, honey, may I please
rip you a new one, privately?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.
I know it was impulsive.

I was under the influence
of salted caramel.

You can't even pick a tie-shoe
combo without my help,

but this you decide
on your own?

I thought we both agreed
this would be a terrible idea.

Lex is offering three times
my current salary, honey,

plus bonuses.

Minus your soul,
divided by your integrity.

No, I get to keep my soul.

I asked about that.

Look, honey, look,
I get to set my own hours.

I don't have to work weekends.

We would have the time and money
to travel,

take that trip to Paris--

[gasps]
Grenouille!

I still have to finish
Hazel's school project.

Thank you.

Jilly-beans.

Brooke needs you

Yeah, I'm outie.

Moi aussi.

Congratulations.

- Thank you, Mother.
- Ta ta.

- Bye, Mom.
- Okay.

You go get the kids
and I'll meet you at home

and we'll talk
about Hercules.

- Okay.
- Is this okay?

Yeah, pretty.

[rock music]

♪♪ ♪♪

How's it going?

Of course, Candace had to get
a whole makeover

the day I give birth.

And naturally,
she hates the baby's name.

I thought Candace
only hated my kids' names.

Jill, from now on,
we have to stick together.

So, um, is there always
this much blood down there?

It's like, did I deliver a baby
or a cheese grater?

Yeah, that's standard issue.

I was literally wearing
adult diapers for weeks.

- Ew.
- I know.

But you can't beat
the absorbency.

Anyway, I should go.

I want them, now.

The adult diapers?

Me?

I'm about to faint
from hunger.

You're the only person
I could bear asking.

Oh, and could you also please
pick up a sandwich platter

at William Poll?

People are going
to be stopping by.

Crystal was supposed to do it,
but now she's with the kids.

Oh, I guess I'm just
gonna need my wallet.

You're the best.

Live for you.

[bell jingling]

Matt? Matt!
Jill Kaplan!

Junior year abroad.

We dated.

Right, right.

Wow.

Sorry.
I didn't recognize you.

You look different.

Is everything okay?

Yes, of course.

Why? Oh, no.

I'm not incontinent.

These are just--long story...
[chuckles]

but I turned out great.

I have three beautiful kids
and a drop-dead husband

who's about to triple
his salary.

- So you want to see pictures?
- Another time.

Really good to see you,
though, Jill.

Take care.

You going
to the reunion or--

Good luck.

Okay, bye!

(Jill)
I'm back.

Oh, thank God, I'm famished.

- Take a break, you guys.
- Thanks, Brooke.

So, Jill, Mario Testino
is stuck in Ibiza.

He was really thrown
by the whole day-early thing.

So, if you don't mind
taking some photos

for my Instagram
and baby announcement...

- Sure.
[baby cooing]

[gasps]

That's not my baby.

[scanner beeping]

The barcode doesn't lie.

Mommy von Weber,
meet Baby von Weber.

But she doesn't look
like a von.

She looks ethnic.

She's gorgeous,
just like her mama.

Smile.

You can Photoshop one
of Shipley's newborn pictures

in later, right?

She just--
she was more classic looking.

[baby crying]

Oh, I want to get one
with Grenouille, just for kicks.

Wait.
Where is he?

[rock music]

Where is he?

I just saw him
a second ago.

♪♪ ♪♪

Grenouille. Grenouille.

He was just here
a minute ago.

Oh, my God.
Grenouille.

Grenouille.
Has anyone seen Grenouille?

He was just here.

This can't be happening.

Oh, my God, Grenouille is gone,
and I'm gonna kill myself.

Grenouille.
[alarm blaring]

Grenouille!

[alarm blaring]

What is going on?

They said
there's a baby missing.

It is so loud.

Oh, my God,
that's terrifying.

Do you know anything
about this missing baby?

That mother must be--

I can't even imagine.

I heard she was
out of her mind,

running all
up and down the halls

looking
for poor little Gren-wee.

[rock music]

Grenouille?
Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

I know, the names today.

♪♪ ♪♪

And these are smoked salmon
and capers,

and these are duck prosciutto
with, I think, olive tapenade?

Anyway, so, so sorry again.

I'm sure this happens
all the time.

Vanessa, thank God.

What the Jillio?

You're a little overdressed
to deliver a baby, aren't you?

Okay, and things got worse
since we spoke.

I just flagged down
"Tube Socks" Matt Duvane,

oh, yeah, looking
like Girl, Interrupted

in the adult-diapers aisle
of the drugstore.

Didn't have to, chose to.

Well, my day kind of went
off the rails too,

with that guy I met
at Krista's.

[cell phone chimes]

It's him.
[squeals]

No effing way.

What? Dick pic?
Let me see.

No, worse.

He texted me
an apartment listing.

And that's
why I don't date brokers.

(woman)
Jill! Brooke's asking for you.

Oh, yes, coming, one sec.

Sorry, she has, like, these
minions at her beck and call.

- Tell me about it.
- Jill!

That's not fair.

I can stay
for another minute.

Don't worry about it.
We'll talk tomorrow.

Okay, bye.
Love you.

Bye.

Honestly, I couldn't have gotten
through this without you.

Oh, it was no biggie.

And I feel like Crystal
took my kids all afternoon.

Should I pay her
a little extra?

Crystal is very well taken
care of.

Right, duh.

All righty.

Of course, she does love
those three-wick candles

at Jill Malone.

Oh, okay.

What a day, right?

You and me, Andy and Lex--
it just feels so right.

You're like the sister
that I never had.

But don't you have
two sisters?

Neither of them would ever do
what you did for me.

I love you.

Okay.

[rock music]

♪♪ ♪♪

Oh, thank goodness
you're home.

Longest day of my life.

I am broken.

This bag...

contains a $425 candle,

and that is the cheapest errand
that I ran for Brooke all day.

And to top it off,
I lost Grenouille.

Babe, babe, babe, no,
you didn't lose him.

He's right here.
I went back for him.

I thought I was
doing you a favor.

I was doing the project
with Hazel.

- Do me a favor, no more favors.
- I'm sorry. Come here.

Oh. Mwah.

Are you okay?

No, I can't shake
this feeling

that we're in too deep,
first with Brooke and now Lex.

We're gonna be okay.
That's just a job.

And what about us moving
to Brooklyn?

I stopped listening
after the sixth message.

Yeah,
that's not happening.

In the end,
I found it super yucky there,

and I say that
having just delivered a baby.

Okay, well, as long as you
canceled the bid on that house.

Oh, my God, the bid!
I forgot to cancel it.

Sháá!

Sháá.

[upbeat music]

♪♪ ♪♪

(Jill)
For more Odd Mom Out,
go to bravotv.com.

[seagulls crying]
- Oh, dear.

(woman)
Left, right, left, right,
left, right!