Original subtitles

(male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series.

(Jill) Previously on Odd Mom Out...

I hate schlepping to Brooklyn.

I'm having a total real estate boner.

Andy, I think we belong in Brooklyn.

I'm Elliot, by the way.

Vanessa.

We've had three other bids already.

Four.

- Mom! - Dude, I'm ready to go here.

Honey, you seem very tense.

It's because I just drank afterbirth.

Thank you, God, for returning us to this wonderful neighborhood.

So baby number four, good for you.

Thanks, I'm Shamu.

There is a tumor with hair coming out of my assáááá.

What is happening?

You're having this baby the natural way.

No!

[bell jingling]

Do you need shampoo, conditioner, anything?

Matt? Matt.

Jill.

Jill Kaplan.

Junior year abroad.

We dated.

We backpacked in Greece and Turkey.

Right, right.

Wow.

Sorry. I didn't recognize you.

You look different.

Is everything okay?

♪♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪♪

♪♪ I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine ♪♪

Brooke? Brooke?

Crystal?

Where is everybody?

Brooke, I came as fast as I could.

I had to drop Hazel at a neighbor's.

Brooke?

[swing music]

Brooke?

♪♪ ♪♪

- Brooke! Oh, thank God. - Shh.

I'm concentrating on keeping the baby inside.

I don't think that's gonna work.

Well, then what should I do?

I think you should have the baby.

No, no, no. That baby

is not coming out through my Sally-Jane.

This isn't the dark ages.

[groaning]

I think another one's coming,

and I'm just not emotionally prepared to have a preemie.

Brooke, it's the day before your scheduled C.

That's not exactly the same thing as having a preemie.

- [groans loudly] - Ow, ow, ow!

Okay, we're gonna get you to the hospital.

Have you called your doctor?

The bitch is in South Hampton,

and don't get me started on the ambulance saga.

No one would promise to take me to York Hospital,

and I am a York Hospital girl.

Okay, we're gonna get you in a cab,

and we're gonna get you to York Hospital.

- Thank you. - We just have to

- walk down the staircase-- - Aah!

I'm not walking anywhere! Aah!

Holy head of hair.

What happened to your underwear?

I took them off after my water broke.

Your water broke?

Were you gonna mention that?

Oh, my God, this baby's coming out.

And you can't tell anyone about this.

In fact, I keep non-disclosure agreements in my top drawer.

Aah!

Okay, okay, breathe. Breathe. Just breathe.

What's that brown stuff?

Did you track in mud?

No, it's doodie.

Gross, you took a dump on my floor?

No, Brooke, it's your doodie.

It's okay, it's totally normal.

It happens to everyone.

Not to me, it doesn't.

Why isn't Lex calling me back?

Where the hell is he!

Mmm.

This salted caramel really tastes like salt and caramel.

I don't know how they do that.

And it's, like, half the calories?

I got to admit, this idea you had about unplugging for the day

- was genius. - I can't take credit for it.

I read this thing in HuffPo about how we should all be

unplugging at least one day a week.

Aren't you nervous?

I mean, I remember when Jill was in her third trimester.

She wouldn't let me put my phone on vibrate,

let alone turn it off.

Nah. Brooke's got her C-section tomorrow.

She knows this is my last day to just Zen-out, you know.

[screaming gibberish]

Siri, how do I deliver a baby?

(Siri) Let's see what we can find.

Here's what I found on the Web for "how do I deliver a baby."

I don't have time to read this sháá.

(Brooke) Kill me, Jill. Smother me with a pillow.

[groaning]

[eerie music]

♪♪ ♪♪

Where did that frog come from?

Why is he staring at me like that?

This is just Grenouille.

Every kid in Hazel's class takes him home for the weekend,

and you take pictures of all their adventures.

Of course, I'm the one stuck hauling him around.

Stop talking. Ugh.

Sorry. Okay, think happy thoughts.

Think about your kids.

Bergdorfs, Barneys, Bloomies.

Bergdorfs, Barneys, Bloomies.

(both) Bergdorfs, Barneys, Bloomies.

- Bergdorfs, Barneys, Bloomies. - Oh, my God.

Why isn't Vanessa calling me back? Oh!

[rock music]

♪♪ ♪♪

On a scale of one to ten, how athletic are you?

Two, but I'm great at sex.

♪♪ ♪♪

[pot shattering]

♪♪ ♪♪

Is it done?

Is it out?

No, I think it went back in.

- Ooh. Ooh. - Okay, give me those legs.

Don't you want to take these off?

No! Aaah!

- Yes! - [moaning]

[chanting in Hebrew]

- Oh, yeah. - [moaning]

I got it.

I got it.

You remember when we used to smoke doobs in this park

when I was in high school and you were in law school?

[chuckles] Now here we are, babysitting our kids.

Lex, when they're your kids, it's not babysitting.

See, this is why I need you around,

to call me on my sháá.

I'm serious, you should come be

my in-house compliance lawyer at Hercules.

Easiest job in the world.

When have you ever complied with the law, Lex?

You were laundering money

when you were making fake IDs in junior high.

No, no, no, no, no. that was seed money

for another business venture.

There's a difference.

Well, thanks,

but I think it's good for me to have my own thing.

Come work at Hercules for, like, five years.

If you're not having a blast,

you'll have enough money to start your own firm

or go lay on the beach somewhere

or open a gelato stand, for all I care.

For me, it's all about family, you know?

What else really matters?

Stop. Dad!

Okay, one more push.

It's gonna feel like you're sháááing out a TV,

and then it's gonna be all over.

- Okay? - I can't, I can't do it.

Yes, you can! You were an Olympian!

I'm not an Olympian.

I marched in the opening ceremonies, but I never skied.

I was just an alternate.

And I'm not allergic to wheat. I hate Candace.

I had a perm in high school--

Wait, back up. You hate Candace?

I thought you were like Oprah and Gayle?

Oh! I can't do this.

Yes, you can.

You are a ball-buster.

You are a bitch!

You hate me.

No, no, I meant it in a nice way,

like the way sassy, gay black guys say it.

- Aah! - Okay.

Oh, my God. Here she comes.

[both screaming]

[triumphant music]

♪♪ ♪♪

[baby crying]

[rock music]

Yes, she's gorge. She's healthy.

And you were amazing.

You were like the Incredible Hulk in heels.

I just have to quickly call Andy

and tell him that Crystal's gonna get Hazel, okay?

No, don't leave me, Jill.

No, just--I promise, I'll be right there.

Two secs.

Andy Weber, please leave a message.

[phone beeps] - Andy, me again.

I'm getting into an ambulance.

So, if you can please go home and get me some clean clothes

and meet me at York Hospital, like, now!

Where are you?

You better be dead, or I will kill you!

I just delivered a baby.

Me, all by myself.

Cut the cord with Hello Kitty scissors.

Call me back. Bye.

So what's it gonna be, brah?

You coming to Hercules or not?

[clears throat]

You know what? Yes.

Let's do it.

Yes! Bro town is back, baby! Yeah!

I have to talk to Jill first, so don't--

[upbeat music]

♪♪ ♪♪

Oh, look.

22 texts from Brooke.

Delete, delete, delete.

Lex, look at them.

♪♪ ♪♪

So do you own or rent?

- Are you kidding? [knock at door]

(woman) NYPD, open up.

Let's go.

Hi, is there a problem, officers?

You tell us. Someone reported a domestic-violence situation.

- Oh. - [laughs]

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

No, it's nothing like that.

I've never actually had a noise issue before.

This place is solid.

I'm a real estate broker, so if you guys are ever looking--

Thanks, but we're gonna have to question you both separately

and then fill out a report.

Oh, guys, as an ER doctor, I applaud your vigilance,

but I promise I wasn't being attacked.

I was just having a really loud orgasm.

Well, more than one.

By my count, maybe four.

Two. More like two.

Let's say three and aftershocks.

Things got a little crazy. You guys know how it is.

Okay, stop. Stop talking.

This will come out with bleach.

I'm sure the school won't even notice.

It's just human fluids. It's totally natural.

Jill! Honey, are you okay?

I can't believe you delivered Brooke's baby.

Andy, shh, shh.

Now, listen closely, because this is the official story.

I was coming back from Brooklyn when Brooke called me

and told me that she was moving her C-section a day early

for astrological reasons, got it?

Yeah, got it. You look like you murdered someone.

Okay, and Baby Langley was seven pounds, three ounces,

not ten pounds, two ounces and did not, I repeat not,

come through her Sally-Jane

which I was never inside of, got it?

Now repeat it back to me.

You were coming back from Brooklyn and--

Okay, fine. Just give me the clothes.

- You have a thing--Okay. - I don't care.

I have to take off this vomitocious dress and burn it.

Ta-da.

Is this a joke?

What's wrong?

This is a red bandage dress.

We're in a hospital, I'm not on a singles' cruise.

I'm sorry, honey. It's the first thing I saw.

Plus, I love you in this dress.

I haven't seen you in it since the honeymoon.

Yeah, and if you'll recall,

that's why the zipper's broken, but thank you.

[rock music]

♪♪ ♪♪

Brookey, honey bear, you got to forgive me, huh?

I was out buying you a little push present.

You like it? Yeah?

I'm thinking.

Oh, my dear children, I heard the news.

I had my hair and nails done and came right over.

- It looks good, Mom. - You know,

I said to Fabian, "Do I look like a grandmother of seven?"

And he said, "You won't when I'm done with you!"

So sassy, don't you think?

So sassy.

Well, then I would like to know the name

of my new granddaughter,

unless it's still under lock and key.

It's Langley Emmeline Lockheart von Weber.

Langley?

As in the CIA headquarters?

What--what happened to Maureen, for my sister?

Uh, Shipley, MacCallister, Rutherford, and Maureen?

Candace, you have a whole new look.

Yes, so do you.

Did you hear the new baby's name?

I remember when I was pregnant with Anderson

and his name was gonna be Horace, if it was a boy.

Guys, we just saw the baby. She's beautiful.

She's beautiful. Congratulations.

But when my mother-in-law implored me to reconsider,

I realized that her happiness was all that mattered.

How are you feeling, any better?

Much.

Anyway, darling, in happier news,

I heard you're going to work for Alexander at Hercules.

No, no, no, not for, with.

Um, honey, may I please rip you a new one, privately?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I know it was impulsive.

I was under the influence of salted caramel.

You can't even pick a tie-shoe combo without my help,

but this you decide on your own?

I thought we both agreed this would be a terrible idea.

Lex is offering three times my current salary, honey,

plus bonuses.

Minus your soul, divided by your integrity.

No, I get to keep my soul.

I asked about that.

Look, honey, look, I get to set my own hours.

I don't have to work weekends.

We would have the time and money to travel,

take that trip to Paris--

[gasps] Grenouille!

I still have to finish Hazel's school project.

Thank you.

Jilly-beans.

Brooke needs you

Yeah, I'm outie.

Moi aussi.

Congratulations.

- Thank you, Mother. - Ta ta.

- Bye, Mom. - Okay.

You go get the kids and I'll meet you at home

and we'll talk about Hercules.

- Okay. - Is this okay?

Yeah, pretty.

[rock music]

♪♪ ♪♪

How's it going?

Of course, Candace had to get a whole makeover

the day I give birth.

And naturally, she hates the baby's name.

I thought Candace only hated my kids' names.

Jill, from now on, we have to stick together.

So, um, is there always this much blood down there?

It's like, did I deliver a baby or a cheese grater?

Yeah, that's standard issue.

I was literally wearing adult diapers for weeks.

- Ew. - I know.

But you can't beat the absorbency.

Anyway, I should go.

I want them, now.

The adult diapers?

Me?

I'm about to faint from hunger.

You're the only person I could bear asking.

Oh, and could you also please pick up a sandwich platter

at William Poll?

People are going to be stopping by.

Crystal was supposed to do it, but now she's with the kids.

Oh, I guess I'm just gonna need my wallet.

You're the best.

Live for you.

[bell jingling]

Matt? Matt! Jill Kaplan!

Junior year abroad.

We dated.

Right, right.

Wow.

Sorry. I didn't recognize you.

You look different.

Is everything okay?

Yes, of course.

Why? Oh, no.

I'm not incontinent.

These are just--long story... [chuckles]

but I turned out great.

I have three beautiful kids and a drop-dead husband

who's about to triple his salary.

- So you want to see pictures? - Another time.

Really good to see you, though, Jill.

Take care.

You going to the reunion or--

Good luck.

Okay, bye!

(Jill) I'm back.

Oh, thank God, I'm famished.

- Take a break, you guys. - Thanks, Brooke.

So, Jill, Mario Testino is stuck in Ibiza.

He was really thrown by the whole day-early thing.

So, if you don't mind taking some photos

for my Instagram and baby announcement...

- Sure. [baby cooing]

[gasps]

That's not my baby.

[scanner beeping]

The barcode doesn't lie.

Mommy von Weber, meet Baby von Weber.

But she doesn't look like a von.

She looks ethnic.

She's gorgeous, just like her mama.

Smile.

You can Photoshop one of Shipley's newborn pictures

in later, right?

She just-- she was more classic looking.

[baby crying]

Oh, I want to get one with Grenouille, just for kicks.

Wait. Where is he?

[rock music]

Where is he?

I just saw him a second ago.

♪♪ ♪♪

Grenouille. Grenouille.

He was just here a minute ago.

Oh, my God. Grenouille.

Grenouille. Has anyone seen Grenouille?

He was just here.

This can't be happening.

Oh, my God, Grenouille is gone, and I'm gonna kill myself.

Grenouille. [alarm blaring]

Grenouille!

[alarm blaring]

What is going on?

They said there's a baby missing.

It is so loud.

Oh, my God, that's terrifying.

Do you know anything about this missing baby?

That mother must be--

I can't even imagine.

I heard she was out of her mind,

running all up and down the halls

looking for poor little Gren-wee.

[rock music]

Grenouille? Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

I know, the names today.

♪♪ ♪♪

And these are smoked salmon and capers,

and these are duck prosciutto with, I think, olive tapenade?

Anyway, so, so sorry again.

I'm sure this happens all the time.

Vanessa, thank God.

What the Jillio?

You're a little overdressed to deliver a baby, aren't you?

Okay, and things got worse since we spoke.

I just flagged down "Tube Socks" Matt Duvane,

oh, yeah, looking like Girl, Interrupted

in the adult-diapers aisle of the drugstore.

Didn't have to, chose to.

Well, my day kind of went off the rails too,

with that guy I met at Krista's.

[cell phone chimes]

It's him. [squeals]

No effing way.

What? Dick pic? Let me see.

No, worse.

He texted me an apartment listing.

And that's why I don't date brokers.

(woman) Jill! Brooke's asking for you.

Oh, yes, coming, one sec.

Sorry, she has, like, these minions at her beck and call.

- Tell me about it. - Jill!

That's not fair.

I can stay for another minute.

Don't worry about it. We'll talk tomorrow.

Okay, bye. Love you.

Bye.

Honestly, I couldn't have gotten through this without you.

Oh, it was no biggie.

And I feel like Crystal took my kids all afternoon.

Should I pay her a little extra?

Crystal is very well taken care of.

Right, duh.

All righty.

Of course, she does love those three-wick candles

at Jill Malone.

Oh, okay.

What a day, right?

You and me, Andy and Lex-- it just feels so right.

You're like the sister that I never had.

But don't you have two sisters?

Neither of them would ever do what you did for me.

I love you.

Okay.

[rock music]

♪♪ ♪♪

Oh, thank goodness you're home.

Longest day of my life.

I am broken.

This bag...

contains a $425 candle,

and that is the cheapest errand that I ran for Brooke all day.

And to top it off, I lost Grenouille.

Babe, babe, babe, no, you didn't lose him.

He's right here. I went back for him.

I thought I was doing you a favor.

I was doing the project with Hazel.

- Do me a favor, no more favors. - I'm sorry. Come here.

Oh. Mwah.

Are you okay?

No, I can't shake this feeling

that we're in too deep, first with Brooke and now Lex.

We're gonna be okay. That's just a job.

And what about us moving to Brooklyn?

I stopped listening after the sixth message.

Yeah, that's not happening.

In the end, I found it super yucky there,

and I say that having just delivered a baby.

Okay, well, as long as you canceled the bid on that house.

Oh, my God, the bid! I forgot to cancel it.

Sháá!

Sháá.

[upbeat music]

♪♪ ♪♪

(Jill) For more Odd Mom Out, go to bravotv.com.

[seagulls crying] - Oh, dear.

(woman) Left, right, left, right, left, right!