Original subtitles

(male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series.

(Hazel) Hi, Aunt Vanessa. (Vanessa) Hi, guys.

(Jill) We're going to Brooklyn.

(train conductor) There's a Brooklyn-bound fifth train.

Transfers available for the four train.

(Jill) Are we there yet?

(Vanessa) Calm down, we're almost there.

(train conductor) This train is no longer in service.

[muffled announcement]

(Jill) What the hell is he saying?

(train conductor) Thank you.

(Hazel) Just a few more stops, mom.

(Jill) [groans] [alert tones]

(train conductor) Next stop, Grand Army Plaza.

Stand clear of the closing doors please.

(Jill) Finally!

I think I just went through menopause on that subway ride.

I hate schlepping to Brooklyn.

Whoa!

I'm sorry. I this the Champs-Elysées?

Not too shabby.

Explains why everyone's so smug about living here.

1This way.

I still can't believe Krista moved to Brooklyn.

I can't believe Krista's still alive.

Remember that night at the Soho house

when she showed up in that feathery bikini thing,

begging us to do E with her?

Mommy, what's E?

Oh, my God, look at that huge dog.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, Hazel.

That's what real pregnant bellies look like.

They actually pop out.

Ugh, it's like preggo-palooza here.

There better be some single people

at this housewarming or we're ditching.

Fine, done. Krista can't last

more than two hours at a party without passing out anyway.

Why does Krista always pass out?

Oh, look, another huge dog.

[punk rock music]

♪♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪♪

♪♪ I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine ♪♪

Holy frackin' Shiite. Is that a tree house?

This place is incredible.

They have a trampoline!

Have fun.

Look at this crowd. They're so chill.

I don't see any white cigarette leg jeans,

not a lick of mascara, no silicone.

In fact, I have the perkiest boobs at this party.

(Vanessa) All I see are breeders, and yuck, do we all need

a front row seat to the pepperoni nipple show?

Guys, you made it!

Krista, I'm having a total real estate boner.

[laughs] Come down.

(Vanessa) Krista, you look amazing.

Thank you.

Your boyfriend's such a sweetheart.

How'd you guys meet?

N.A. Narcotics Anonymous.

- Oh, no way. - Seriously?

Good for you.

If you don't mind my asking, did you hit, like,

a rock bottom moment?

Did you wake up in a dumpster in Philadelphia or something?

Actually, you.

You were my rock bottom.

- Me? - Her?

Yeah. 4:00 in the afternoon,

I'd just given head to the bus boy at Bar Polo

in exchange for a bump,

and I walked out onto third avenue,

and I'm wiping coke and jizz off my face,

and I see you across the street,

pregnant, and pushing a stroller.

And I say to myself, "Self, how did this happen?"

And then, I thought a thousand things real fast

'cause of the coke, you know, but that--

that was my first step to recovery.

Um--

Don't worry about it. It's a process.

My bread! Oh, thank you, honey.

I was her rock bottom.

I heard.

Oh, bread.

I got to get a picture of Grenoui with the bread.

What is with the frog?

This is Grenoui. It's Hazel's class frog,

and each kid takes it home for the weekend

and records his adventures in a big class journal.

According to Hazel, he's been to The Great Wall of China,

a bunch of the Spielbergs, and Camp David.

- [chuckles] - True, but...

he's never had bread before, so we're popping

his gluten cherry in Brookles.

Oh, now--Adrian. Adrian, come here. Come here.

I want you to meet my college friends Jill and Vanessa.

Oh, so cute! Congratulations.

Oh, so tiny.

Ooh, I better get this. Might be the hospital.

What an angel.

Actually, this was my toughest birth.

After 40 hours of labor,

I was still only 1 centimeter dilated.

Finally, my midwife decided it was time to-

Caesar salad that crouton right out of there?

Yeah. I felt like such a failure.

I mean, I hadn't even read the chapter on...

[whispering] C-sections,

'cause I never dreamed I would be one of those people.

[laughs]

What?

It's just I come from a very different planet.

[dance music playing]

[whistling]

[breathing deeply]

Look at you.

One day before baby numero quatro,

and you are still rocking those abs.

If you get your core toned enough before a C-section,

the surgeon can just slice through it like a sushi chef.

- It really reduces scarring. - Oh.

Okay, back to the punch list.

We have a lot to get done before tomorrow.

I'm all over it. I just checked in

with the photographer, social media manager,

wardrobe designer, and eastern medicine consultant.

Everyone's up to speed.

Brookie, what is it?

You look so sad.

I'm just...so fat,

and I guess I'm just feeling sentimental,

thinking about little Rutherford.

He's not gonna be the baby anymore.

Aww, that is so sweet.

You want to spend some alone time with the little guy today?

No, God no.

No, I think I just want to do something special for him.

I need to feel connected.

In fact-- [groans]

Crystal, angel?

Meet me in the kitchen.

[rock music playing]

[overlapping chatter]

[French horn blowing]

Mm, not that guy. He looks dead inside.

How do you know that's not my type?

I'd say I don't usually do this, but that'd be a lie.

Oh, I get it. I mean, why come to a party

where you could actually talk to people

when you can just scroll through 'em on your tiny computer?

Hey, do not knock my tiny computer.

It's so pretty and smart.

Yeah, it's smart 'cause it's stealing all your brain cells.

I just read this piece on HuffPo

about how if you take a break, even for a day,

from your phone, it can add years to your life.

I'm guessing you read that on your phone?

Yes, I did.

I'm Elliot by the way.

Vanessa, by the way.

College educated, totally stumped.

I'm going with hard plastic.

So Krista tells me you're that one's mom?

Depends. Was she dancing like a stripper again?

Because I swear, she's just

trying to pay her way through grade school.

Actually, we just had

the most fascinating conversation about Icarus.

And I see a lot of kids in my work,

and she is a very sophisticated thinker.

Wow, that's so nice to hear.

- Where do you work? - St. Anne's, in Admissions.

Yeah, I know I'm biased,

but it's such an unusual school.

For one thing, we don't give grades.

No grades, ever, at all?

Well, how do you know you're doing better than everyone else?

Exactly.

We think the world needs more questioners, not followers.

I totally agree. Can I go there?

Off the record, we just heard that one of our families

is relocating to London

to star in the spinoff of Downton Abbey,

so there might be openings.

I think Hazel would be a great fit.

So let me know if you're interested.

[peaceful string music playing]

♪♪ ♪♪

Yes, I'm interested.

[upbeat vocals playing]

Andy, honey, hi. Here's the deal.

I think we belong in Brooklyn.

I just met this Admissions woman from St. Anne's.

She's, like, in love with Hazel,

and Krista lives in a palace

for half of the cost of what we could get in our name.

I really think we belong here.

I mean, there are people with frizzy hair

and hideous sandals with arched support.

I'm excited. Call me.

- Love ya. - Jill.

Hey. There you are.

Guys, this is Vanessa.

Vanessa, these are actual cool moms.

I found them. They're all in Brooklyn.

Hi, cool moms.

Nice to meet you. I'm the cool single friend.

I'm actually gonna take off for a while.

Really? The kids are about to play their glockenspiels.

Oh, thanks for the warning.

I met this possibly cute guy, one o'clock,

talking to pepperoni nips.

He's a real estate agent.

He found this house for Krista.

Great. Can you have him find me one just like it?

Oh! I love Brooklyn Jill.

So he convinced me to try this kinky retro

phone-free experiment.

Can I trust you to babysit these until we get back?

Well, what if I have to text you an emergency opinion?

Oh, babe, just whisper it to the wind,

and if it's truly juicy and bitchy, I'll hear it.

You bake?

How could I not know this about you?

You know I don't like to talk about myself.

This is Rutherford's favorite, coconut cream pie.

The recipe's a snap. I'll send you the link.

Send Devin the link.

See? That's all you do.

Aww, do you remember when I brought Rutherford home

from the hospital?

He was in that precious Bumpier onesie.

Of course. How could I forget?

Oh, my God.

I haven't picked out the baby's coming home outfit.

I have no idea who she's wearing.

Okay, calme, calme.

Don't tell me to "calmay."

Call my entire staff.

How could it fall through the cracks?

Ugh!

Oh, and save me a slice.

[approaching footsteps]

Wow.

I was just alone with my thoughts

for the first time in years.

I think I resolved a few childhood traumas.

Yup, can't remember the last time

I peed without checking email.

Ah. Sorry, it's just been a while

since I swiped anything.

[chuckling]

Martians could've landed at Trader Joe's,

and you'd have no way of knowing.

Well, here's to not knowing.

To not knowing.

What are you talking about?

When people write "XO," the X is the kiss,

and the O is the hug. Everyone knows this.

No, it isn't.

The X is the hug because you cross your arms like this,

and the O is the kiss because you pucker your lips like this.

That would mean "XOXO" translates

into "Hug, kiss, hug, kiss." Who says that?

Everyone. Everyone says that. "Hugs and kisses."

It's built into the basic fabric of our lexicon.

You are so comically, embarrassingly wrong.

I feel bad for you in advance

when your wrongness is confirmed.

Well, for now, we're just gonna have to sit,

and be cool with not knowing.

Fine, whatever. I can do that.

So can I.

- Check! - Check.

- Now. - Get the check, please.

Thank you.

(Jill) Sorry. I'm a total idiot.

Which one's the basil again?

It's on your left. Grab a handful.

Thank you.

So is it safe to say you love living here?

Oh, my God.

Are you serious about moving to Brooklyn?

Oh, I have never been happier.

We love Allegra's charter school.

Oh, they have this whole new approach to math that merges

the scientific method with the Socratic one,

and then, it combines the Talmud, dice,

and hip-hop lyrics.

Hmm, I still count on my fingers.

There's also music and letters,

where the kids write their own memoires

and can choose between majoring in symphony,

eastern music, or rock band.

Rock band, please.

There's also Brooklyn Perspectives, which has

an organic rooftop farm and a cheese making program.

- There's so many options. - Oh, yes.

This is how it happens.

You are so moving here.

Hey, isn't there an open house on Bergen?

Oh, Jill. Three stories, rooftop, deck.

It's gonna go in a heartbeat.

I don't know. I mean, it's one thing to fantasize,

but I haven't even talked to Andy about it.

Just go. Have a look.

It can't hurt.

Yeah, I mean, it's only research, right?

[rock music playing]

The response has been overwhelming.

We've had three other bids already.

Four. Hello!

I'm bidding also.

More than all of them. I'm moving here.

♪♪ Ahh ahh ahh ♪♪

♪♪ Ahh ahh ahh ahh ♪♪

[rock music playing]

- To Jill! - Whoo!

Thanks, guys.

My husband might divorce me,

but at least I'll have cool mom friends.

[chuckles] Allegra, honey,

your hair is just beyond.

How pretty are you?

Ixnay.

What? What'd I say?

Well, kind of not supposed to focus on appearance with girls.

It sends the wrong message,

gender politics, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, right, duh. Sorry.

I just read your Frida Kahlo poem.

You are such a little smarty-pants.

Jill.

What'd I do now?

It's just that you're really not

supposed to tell them they're smart.

Didn't you read that cover article in the Atlantic Monthly?

I must've missed it.

You're supposed to emphasize effort.

You know, "Oh, you worked so hard on that."

I mean, otherwise, it just screws them up.

Jill! Jill! Jill Weber! I need my phone.

- Phone! - I need my phone.

- Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. - I need my phone.

- I need my phone. - Hi. Nice to meet you.

- It's Elliot? - Oh, my God.

You know how you are at the end of Yom Kippur?

You can't small talk?

You just need the bagel and cream cheese?

Give me the phone, skinny.

Give us our bagel and cream cheese.

Jeez. You do someone a favor.

Oh, yeah.

- You are going down. - Come on.

Come on--Yes!

Oh, God. Sháá.

X means kiss. O means hug.

Sháá, sháá.

- I told you! I told you! - Yeah, you told me.

Ahh! XO! Oooh!

Should we be worried about Vanessa?

- Suck it. - I see it.

TA is a serious thing, you know?

Technology Addiction.

[shouting]

Maybe.

[rock music playing]

♪♪ ♪♪

We have one day.

One day, people, and none of these outfits are right.

Angel, I thought you were presenting me

with seven or eight options. What happened with that?

I did, Mrs. Von Weber, remember?

You chose this.

Well, then I was out of my mind

because I wouldn't be caught dead in those colors,

and neither would my baby.

We're gonna need something else, stat.

Brookie, do you want some Cool Whip?

I think you might be LBS'ing big time.

My blood sugar is fine.

Honestly, I just want this bowling ball out of me,

so I can be by myself.

In fact, I want every person in this house

who isn't me to leave.

Do whatever you need to do to prepare for tomorrow.

I need to be alone.

- Alone? - Did she say, "alone?"

She's never been here alone.

What if she wants to do something?

I don't think we should leave.

- One of us should stay. - Not me.

I said leave!

Just go!

You are so brave.

That means you too.

Get out!

[prolonged flatulence]

[rock music playing]

♪♪ ♪♪

I go that way.

Oh, I'm going that way, so...

So aside from the fact that you owe me $10,000

and a pint of Blue Marble ice cream,

I'd say our little project luddite was a huge success.

Yeah. It was fun.

XO?

Oh, my God. Are you on your phone again?

Yeah. Sorry, it's an emergency.

Oh.

[cell phone chimes]

(Jill) Guys, am I crazy for wanting to move here?

No. You're gonna be so much happier here

not being surrounded by all that ridiculous wealth.

Well, I mean, you guys are doing okay too, right?

That artisanal mustard is, what, 20 bucks a jar?

Right, but for me, it's about values.

I'd never raise my kids up there.

I mean, it's just so homogenous.

It's like a Tory Burch Messianic cult.

It's white, rich, heterocentric.

Well, that's not entirely true.

There's a lot of really, really nice people up there.

Mom, how do you spell quinoa?

Nobody really knows.

But I think it's Q-U-

- Oh, no, no. Shh, shh. - What are you doing?

No, no, do not tell them how to spell.

Is this another article I missed?

Is spelling sexist now?

No, it's just not the way it's done.

You're supposed to let them sound it out

so you don't hamper their creativity.

But spelling's important.

I mean, when do they learn how to spell?

- Mom! - Aristotle, what?

- I'm hungry! - Now?

I have the bossiest children.

- Mom! - All right.

Come on down, master.

Every time he has a cookie,

he has to wash it down with breast milk.

Wait. Isn't he, like, five?

Yeah, next week.

He is growing up so fast.

Dude, are you coming or not? I'm ready to go here.

Hazel, five minute warning.

Krista, this smoothie is heaven. What's in it?

Oh, it's a pot luck.

It's veggies from Carrie's garden.

So it's kale, za'atar, and Adrian's placenta.

- Oh. - Jill.

Jill, are you okay? Honey, you seem very tense.

Actually, no. I'm not okay.

I'm honored to have been your rock bottom,

but this might be my rock bottom

because I just drank afterbirth.

And I'm really sorry, but I believe in spelling,

and I believe in grades,

and I don't care what the Atlantic Monthly says.

You're pretty, and you're smart.

And if you don't think this is a Messianic cult, you're nuts.

Hazel, put down the bongos. Grab the frog.

We're getting the F out of here now.

[rock music playing]

♪♪ ♪♪

(Jill) Taxi, take us to the Upper East Side.

Gah! Ugh! I just drank placenta.

Thank you.

Thank you, God, for returning us

to this wonderful neighborhood.

We're home!

♪♪ Every morning ♪♪

♪♪ Every evening ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't we got fun ♪♪

♪♪ Not much money, oh, but, honey ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't we got fun ♪♪

♪♪ The rent's unpaid, dear ♪♪

♪♪ We haven't a buck ♪♪

♪♪ But smiles were made, dear ♪♪

♪♪ For people like us ♪♪

♪♪ ♪♪

♪♪ In the winter, in the summer... ♪♪

I hate being pregnant.

Ow.

[laughs]

I haven't seen her in years..

I mean, what's wrong with placenta?

♪♪ Still we have fun ♪♪

♪♪ There's nothing surer ♪♪

♪♪ The rich get rich and the poor get poorer ♪♪

[moaning]

Oh, sháá.

♪♪ Ain't we got fun ♪♪

[ding]

Hazel, honey, we might be different

from some of the uptight people here,

but this is our home.

Our family is here. And you know what?

We might not tell them as often as we should that we love them.

[cell phone rings]

- What? - It's Jill.

I just wanted to say good luck tomorrow.

We can't wait to meet our little-

I can't talk right now.

You sound weird. Are you okay?

No!

There is a tumor with hair coming out of my assáááá.

- What is happening? - That's called "labor."

You're having this baby the natural way.

Nooooo!

female announcer: For more Odd Mom Out, go to Bravotv.com.

Oh, dead.

Left, right, left, right, left, right.