Original subtitles

(male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series.

[drill whirring]

You have a cavity and we should

take care of it if you've got time.

After the night I just had you could tell me

I needed a root canal and I wouldn't complain.

You know how hard it is to find a mom friend

that you actually like and want to hang out with?

I had an easier time finding a husband.

[sighs] Sorry, I'm trying to put it

behind me, but I think I have PTSD.

This is gonna pinch.

The irony is that it started out fine,

great even.

That's what makes it so tragic.

Ahh.

♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪

♪ I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine ♪

So, just to double check, the party's over at 1 p.m.?

(woman) That's right. - Rima.

We have to stop meeting like this.

We must be on the same party circuit.

Except this time we can actually leave

the "drop-off party."

- Hallelujah. [both laugh]

Okay, I have to ask

why does your voice sound so familiar?

"This is Rima Chiquri-Portman, National Public Radio."

I knew it! I was like, in love

with your reporting on the drought in Ethiopia.

I mean, as much as you can be in love

with something so tragic.

- Thank you. - Well, would you ever want

to, like, get coffee sometime?

Oh, how about dinner?

Too forward?

No, radical! Love.

[gasps] A fellow cavewoman.

We have to do this now.

How about next Wednesday?

Should we try that new Japanese place

- everyone's jizzing about? - On 68th? Totally.

- With husbands? - It's a date!

(Andy) I thought you hate NPs.

I don't hate all new people.

You're always telling me to find my peeps

in the hood and I think I found one.

Rima is my peeps.

Okay, and I can feel my penis shrinking

as I say this, honey, but I thought it was gonna be

- our date night. - It is.

Only with more interesting guest stars.

Rima's been all over the world for NPR.

Now what about the husband?

What does-- what does he do?

I don't know. Something in finance.

Hon, we've been over this. Finance is a broad field.

Is he a hedge fund millionaire

or does he fix ATM machines?

Look, all I know is that we could use a fun night out.

And go easy on the sake. We have to have sex later.

Have to? Wait, don't tell me we're trying

- to get pregnant again. - Ew, no.

I'm just saying it's been 18 days

and we both know after 19 it starts to get weird.

Well, we are not gonna let it get to 19.

Okay, chop, chop.

I've been saving my appetite all day.

(Vanessa) Honeys, I'm home!

Come in, we're naked!

[gasps] Love this.

Where are the littles?

Oh, Ashley's bringing them back any minute.

They were at the park and she got a callback

to play a patient who was raped by her dermatologist on SVU.

Thank you for covering. You'll be okay?

(Andy) Yeah, they're impossible.

Guys, it's not that complicated.

I'm an ER doctor. I deal with kids every day.

Now, go forth, make a mom-friend

you don't hate.

- Love. - Love you.

Thank you.

Whoa-ho!

Taxi!

[beeps]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ ♪

Hi, it's under "Weber."

Our friends are, like, two minutes away.

- Jill, hi. - Hi!

Nice to meet you. This is my husband, Joffrey.

Enchanté. God,

I love your whole look.

It's like Marc Jacobs had a threesome

with Morticia Addams and Karl Lagerfeld's

- androgynous younger sister. - Wow. Thank you.

Welcome to Shiawase.

It is Japanese word for happiness.

- Please follow the me. - Oh, sure.

I'm sorry, but is he...

They're perfect!

It's like a BFF and a gay best friend

rolled up in one couple. Don't eff this up.

I thought von Weber was party of six.

No, we're the von-less Webers.

[laughter] - Oh, my God.

- Andy! - Dude!

- Hi! - Crazy!

This isn't happening.

[speaking Japanese]

What is she saying?

[speaks Japanese]

Right this way.

No. You-- this can not happen.

You know I hate group dinners.

(Lex) Ah, this is great.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't know. Pull the fire alarm.

Light yourself on fire. Something with fire.

Everybody have a seat. Girls on this end,

boys on that end.

Honey, look, I know it's not ideal,

but please try and go with the flow

and try and have a good time for me.

[groans] Fine. Totes. I'm just hungry.

- Lex. How you doing? Hey. - Hey.

[Lex grunts] Hey.

- Jilly beans. You look pretty. - I'm just with my friend.

(Lex) Come on, sit down. Sit down.

Tell me everything.

- Hang with the boys tonight. - Rima.

You're one of the bros, am I right?

I'm Brooke.

- Uh, Brooke? - Yeah.

Ew, stop it.

Hey, guys, cut it out.

Seriously. There are kids in some parts of Africa

who would slurp that noodle off their dirt floor.

- Why is their floor dirt? - And why are they so hungry?

Uh...

those are really good questions, guys.

I guess the main reasons

are lack of infrastructure,

famine, disease...

- and war. - Why do they have a war?

Hmm. Let's back it up.

Have your folks talked to you at all

- about ethnic tensions? - Uh-uh.

[Japanese music playing] - Thank you.

So, uh, Jared, what do you do?

Uh, I short currencies. Ooh!

Yeah! We're getting insta updates off ESPN.

You do it, Hernandez!

- It's awesome. (Brooke) [laughs]

So where did you learn Japanese?

Well, I skied on the U.S. Slalom team at Nagano,

so I think of all the Japanese

- as my "fa-mu-rii." - [laughs]

- It means family. - Wow, you were an Olympian?

- That's amazing. - I know.

Hi, can we get some menus, please?

Not being a diva, I'm just a minute away from

taking a bite out of your beautiful child-face.

Stunning. I'm hypnotized.

You're so sweet.

And I love your scarf.

Is that from the looms of the Rajasthani weaver's guild?

I did a story on them. How did you--

I was literally just emailing with Devadas--

Oh, my God. Hi, Danielle. Over here.

Brooke, look who it is.

Jill, let's not make a scene.

What do you mean? She's your peeps.

Not since her husband got nabbed for insider trading.

Wait, so her husband went to jail

so you stop talking to her?

Brooke can't be around all that drama while she's pregnant.

Ten years. Orange is the new bye-bye.

Oh, nope, we don't need menus, we're not tourists.

We're doing...

Omakase.

[gong crashes]

Chef selection menu.

We have silver lotus level and gold dragon level.

Or laughing Buddha level.

11 courses.

So special. Even price is a mystery.

- [woman gasps] - Done.

Ten laughing Buddhas.

Make that nine laughing Buddhas.

Sorry, I'll just have the creamy, spicy shrimp.

Uh, Omakase menu must be everyone together

or no one can enjoy.

- Is there like a three course? - No, 11 courses all around.

We're gonna be here all night.

And, uh, six bottles of your best sake.

[cheering]

(waitress) Thank you for your trust.

While we prepare, please enjoy

Japanese lute performance.

[tranquil lute music]

♪ ♪

You're never at the good end of the table,

you're paying a bajillion dollars

to subsidize other people's alcoholism,

and it goes on forevskis and a day.

- Am I right? - Open wide.

[drill whirring]

First course is fresh Daikon leaf with sea salt.

(all) Ooh.

[Jill scoffs]

[Brooke laughing]

(Brooke) We have to get together sometime.

Just saying hi.

Isn't this ridic? [scoffs]

I mean, really, they probably just picked that

out of the planter in the corner

and shoved it on a plate.

Jill, just try it. It's delicious.

- It's so fresh. - Oh... kay.

(Waitress) Next course trio of edamame.

Pearls of wisdom.

Fourth course, bamboo-infused Udon noodle.

Most auspicious noodle.

[gong crashes] (all) Ooh.

(Jill) You're so lonely.

[Danielle crying]

Jill?

[muffled] How did you know it was me?

Your shoes sounded cheap. [whimpering]

Hey.

I'm sorry about your husband, and, you know, jail.

Oh, okay. It's a difficult time.

- Let it out. - Thank you for talking to me.

Brooke won't even look at me.

Danielle, you are a strong woman

and--

Do you happen to have any snacks in your purse?

My blood sugar is base jumping right now.

You think I'd carry food in my handbag?

What has happened to my life?

No, of course not. You're still you.

Okay.

Just--just without your husband or your friends.

[crying]

Look, I have to go back, but if you need anything,

I am here, you know, in spirit. Okay?

All right.

Awesome rocky rolls.

Carbs! ♪ Hallelujah ♪

- Where's mine? - It was delicious.

- Like a pussy made out of rice. - [laughter]

Jilly beans, you gotta listen to Sebastian's story.

I just banged this epileptic chick.

I made her cáá so hard she had a seizure.

In bed she was like... [groaning]

[laughter]

Wait, excuse me, aren't you married?

- Oh, yeah. - Hey, he's deaf.

- So? - Anyway, I'd go with your wife.

I think about it all the time.

What are you guys talking about?

Who at the table we'd bone if our wives

- gave us a freebie. - I bet you she's a screamer.

[Lex laughs] - And I love fake tits.

- Whoa! - Dude, if you were anybody else

I would pummel you, but you're you,

so it's hilarious.

Hey, let's hear the Jill version. Huh?

Which one of us would it be?

For shááá and gigs.

[funky music playing]

♪ ♪

This is thick.

I would take you all up to my bedroom...

- Oh! - Oh, she's crazy!

And then I'd roofie you, roll you up in a duvet,

and light it on fire. Excuse me.

Jilly beans.

That's kinda dark.

We are in hour three.

Seriously, call the police.

Tell them there's a hostage situation.

It isn't even really a lie.

[groans] Group dinners.

It's like hell and purgatory at the same time.

Sometimes I think you're the only person

who really understands me.

I'm definitely the only person who understands you.

- How many people? - Ten!

And my mom-friend thinks I'm cellophane

and Brooke is turning on her tractor beam,

and acting all smart.

Listen, you have a tractor beam. You're smart.

You had the date with the mom-friend.

I say fight back.

Thanks, I think I will.

Love you. Bye.

So, where were we?

(all) AIDS.

[funky music playing]

♪ ♪

Do you mind if I take this?

- Thanks. [Brooke laughs]

Jill, what are you doing?

- Just joining the party. - There's no place setting.

Oh, it's okay.

- So where were we? - I was just telling Rima

how, ever since the sale,

I've felt I needed a bigger

philanthropic canvas, so to speak.

If you are as fortunate as we are,

you have to constantly be giving back

or you start to look bad.

So, I thought,

"Who needs things?"

Orphans in Africa.

Well, what are you going to focus on?

I mean, there's just so many issues.

Totally. Ebola, hunger.

But then it hit me...

Bouncy castles.

Wait, you're going to send

bouncy castles to Africa?

Did you ever consider, I don't know,

toilets or medicine?

[laughs nervously]

It may seem frivolous,

but bouncy castles are low-cost to ship

and they don't require any assembly.

The way I see it,

joy shouldn't be a luxury item.

I think it's original, Brooke.

You're giving these poor kids a chance to just be kids.

- You get it. - I'm sorry, Rima,

but when you were in "Nambia," did it really seem like

the thing they needed the most was bouncy castles?

- Do you mean Namibia? - "Nambia's" not a country.

Oh, right, I meant Zambia.

Ah.

[gong crashes]

Seventh course is holy water

from mountains of Nagano prefecture.

[Brooke gasps] Nagano!

[sighs]

[triumphant fanfare]

Mmm.

Tastes just how I remember.

Like victory.

I mean, couldn't you just barf?

Rima's eating it up and I'm sitting there

starving my ass off trapped in a douche canoe

with a chopstick for a paddle.

[laughter]

Eighth course is whipped fermented fish paste.

(all) Ooh.

[gong crashes]

Hon, I'm sorry, I tried, I really tried,

but here's my proposal.

Popeye's, sex, and Broad City.

No! You can't take him from me.

No, ma'am.

Come on, hon, I don't want to leave.

I'm having fun.

Okay, you stay and I'm gonna take

my "hangry" ass home.

You cannot miss the sea urchin course.

- Now sit your tiny ass down. - [laughs]

I forbid you to leave.

[sighs]

So, Jared, what made you the, uh,

unforgettable person you are today?

- Spare no details. - I'm glad you asked.

I was born with acid reflux

so I grew up in Scarsdale, my mom's a piano teacher...

...held off my circumcision... I had to wear corrective shoes

till my Bar Mitzvah... Yeah, I was molested

by my uncle and my third grade teacher.

And my track coach. I think I must've just been

a really beautiful kid.

Final course. Fragile egg shell.

(all) Ooh.

Empty of substance like life.

It is whimsical Zen koan of dessert.

Thank you. Good night.

Honey, we should go. Sitter, okay?

Check please.

- Six grand, yo. [all groaning]

Must have been the sake.

Hey, credit card roulette.

Testicles on the table, d-bags.

Boom.

Do the honors.

Boom!

- It's me. [laughter]

Yeah, it's nothing. It's chump change.

Okay, well, this has been really great.

What a coincidence, we should buy a Lotto ticket

on the way home. Thank you.

Okay. What--what happened to your ring?

[screams] No!

(Dottie) But do you believe in God, Aunt Vanessa?

Um, I don't think I do, actually.

You know? I kind of see God as a comforting,

imaginary figure that makes people feel better.

Like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy.

The Tooth Fairy's not real?

Okay, one more topic and then you're going to sleep.

And this time, I mean it.

But, Aunt Vanessa, if it's not God,

then who gives people AIDS?

Hm, how many of you

have heard the term, "retrovirus"?

- [Brooke crying] - (Officer) Ma'am, calm down.

Do you mind telling me what happened?

Ma'am, I understand you're upset,

but we can't perform rectal searches

without probable cause.

- Find anything? - Just a sticky Euro.

I am so sorry this was such a disaster.

Are you kidding? 11 course meal,

jewel heist, this is the most fun

I've had in a long time.

I was always so intimidated by your sister-in-law,

but she's actually quite warm.

You've had dinner with the Taliban

and you're intimidated by Brooke?

Yeah, I mean, she's just so...

glamorous. I could never be like that.

Forget it.

Let the record reflect that I "went with the flow."

You know who else went with the flow?

Leo DiCaprio in Titanic.

Honey, what are you gonna do?

- She lost her rock. - Does nothing bother you?

We've been here for seven hours!

I actually had a good time, hon.

I mean, I'm sorry that you got stuck at the bankers end

of the table, but what do you want from me?

I just wish, every once in a while,

that people annoyed you as much as they annoy me.

Well, I'm annoyed right now.

Ya happy?

[Danielle crying]

Jesus, you're still here?

Jill?

I just couldn't deal with them all looking at me again

when I walked out.

- Danielle, - What?

Who cares what a bunch of

anorexic, pill-popping hypocrites think?

I mean, they let this vile misogynist

go on and on about the other women

he's banging because he's deaf.

And another one is pretending her husband

isn't sashaying down Christopher Street

- waving a rainbow flag. [toilet flushes]

Rima, hi.

Wow, that was a lot.

I'm sorry, it was the low blood sugar talking.

I barely ate anything all day and the portions

are like you need a microscope to see them.

Hey, it's not my business.

I'm just surprised that you're harshing on everyone.

You just seemed so nice.

And you know what? That was really offensive.

That man is not gay, he is deaf.

Snap, that was cold.

- Hey. - Sorry we're so late.

So, what happened with the mom-crush?

Pretty sure I dirty-bombed that friendship.

You think I'm a nice person, don't you?

If you were just "a nice person,"

we wouldn't be friends. Come here.

I worship you.

Littles?

Perfect angels. What else...

There's a load of laundry in the dryer,

I finished your grapes, and oh, yeah,

I told the kids about starvation, war, and AIDS.

And how there's no God.

Okay, I love you.

Love you more. Bye.

Night.

Mmm.

[snoring]

Hey, you're snoring again.

What's it? Sex time?

No. Babe,

tonight sucked balls,

and it wasn't entirely your fault.

Is that-- [stammers]

I accept your apology.

I think this Upper East Side momzilla scene

is making me crazy.

Maybe it's time for us to move.

[snoring]

[rock music plays]

We never did find Brooke's rock.

If there's any justice in the world,

it went home up a busboy's butthole.

(Brooke) There you are.

Damn pregnancy boobs.

Anyway, I feel so much better after talking to you.

I mean, Rima's just one person.

This is a big city. It's not like she's whispering

into everyone's ears telling them what to think.

(Rima on radio) ...once the main thoroughfare of the storied towns.

but now it looks like a river.

I'm Rima Chiquri-Portman...

(Dentist) I just love this reporter.

She's so substantive. Don't you think?

(Man on radio) Rima Chiquri-Portman reports on a charity

that brings bouncy castles to Africa.

(Jill) For more Odd Mom Out go to bravotv.com.

[seagulls crying, splat] (girl) Oh, dear.

(boy) Left, right, left, right, left, right!