All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S01E04_English

(male announcer)
Next is a Bravo scripted
original series.

[drill whirring]

You have a cavity
and we should

take care of it
if you've got time.

After the night I just had
you could tell me

I needed a root canal
and I wouldn't complain.

You know how hard it is
to find a mom friend

that you actually like
and want to hang out with?

I had an easier time
finding a husband.

[sighs]
Sorry, I'm trying to put it

behind me,
but I think I have PTSD.

This is gonna pinch.

The irony is that
it started out fine,

great even.

That's what
makes it so tragic.

Ahh.

♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪

♪ I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine ♪

So, just to double check,
the party's over at 1 p.m.?

(woman) That's right.
- Rima.

We have to stop
meeting like this.

We must be on
the same party circuit.

Except this time
we can actually leave

the "drop-off party."

- Hallelujah.
[both laugh]

Okay, I have to ask

why does your voice
sound so familiar?

"This is Rima Chiquri-Portman,
National Public Radio."

I knew it!
I was like, in love

with your reporting
on the drought in Ethiopia.

I mean, as much
as you can be in love

with something so tragic.

- Thank you.
- Well, would you ever want

to, like, get coffee
sometime?

Oh, how about dinner?

Too forward?

No, radical!
Love.

[gasps]
A fellow cavewoman.

We have to do this now.

How about next Wednesday?

Should we try that new
Japanese place

- everyone's jizzing about?
- On 68th? Totally.

- With husbands?
- It's a date!

(Andy)
I thought you hate NPs.

I don't hate
all new people.

You're always telling me
to find my peeps

in the hood and I think
I found one.

Rima is my peeps.

Okay, and I can feel
my penis shrinking

as I say this, honey,
but I thought it was gonna be

- our date night.
- It is.

Only with more interesting
guest stars.

Rima's been all over
the world for NPR.

Now what about the husband?

What does--
what does he do?

I don't know.
Something in finance.

Hon, we've been over this.
Finance is a broad field.

Is he a hedge fund
millionaire

or does he fix
ATM machines?

Look, all I know is that
we could use a fun night out.

And go easy on the sake.
We have to have sex later.

Have to? Wait,
don't tell me we're trying

- to get pregnant again.
- Ew, no.

I'm just saying
it's been 18 days

and we both know after 19
it starts to get weird.

Well, we are not gonna
let it get to 19.

Okay, chop, chop.

I've been saving
my appetite all day.

(Vanessa)
Honeys, I'm home!

Come in, we're naked!

[gasps]
Love this.

Where are the littles?

Oh, Ashley's bringing them
back any minute.

They were at the park
and she got a callback

to play a patient who was raped
by her dermatologist on SVU.

Thank you for covering.
You'll be okay?

(Andy)
Yeah, they're impossible.

Guys,
it's not that complicated.

I'm an ER doctor.
I deal with kids every day.

Now, go forth,
make a mom-friend

you don't hate.

- Love.
- Love you.

Thank you.

Whoa-ho!

Taxi!

[beeps]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ ♪

Hi, it's under
"Weber."

Our friends are, like,
two minutes away.

- Jill, hi.
- Hi!

Nice to meet you.
This is my husband, Joffrey.

Enchanté.
God,

I love your whole look.

It's like Marc Jacobs had
a threesome

with Morticia Addams
and Karl Lagerfeld's

- androgynous younger sister.
- Wow. Thank you.

Welcome to Shiawase.

It is Japanese word
for happiness.

- Please follow the me.
- Oh, sure.

I'm sorry, but is he...

They're perfect!

It's like a BFF
and a gay best friend

rolled up in one couple.
Don't eff this up.

I thought von Weber
was party of six.

No, we're the von-less
Webers.

[laughter]
- Oh, my God.

- Andy!
- Dude!

- Hi!
- Crazy!

This isn't happening.

[speaking Japanese]

What is she saying?

[speaks Japanese]

Right this way.

No. You--
this can not happen.

You know I hate
group dinners.

(Lex)
Ah, this is great.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't know.
Pull the fire alarm.

Light yourself on fire.
Something with fire.

Everybody have a seat.
Girls on this end,

boys on that end.

Honey, look, I know
it's not ideal,

but please try and go
with the flow

and try and have
a good time for me.

[groans] Fine.
Totes. I'm just hungry.

- Lex. How you doing? Hey.
- Hey.

[Lex grunts]
Hey.

- Jilly beans. You look pretty.
- I'm just with my friend.

(Lex)
Come on, sit down.
Sit down.

Tell me everything.

- Hang with the boys tonight.
- Rima.

You're one of the bros,
am I right?

I'm Brooke.

- Uh, Brooke?
- Yeah.

Ew, stop it.

Hey, guys, cut it out.

Seriously. There are kids
in some parts of Africa

who would slurp that noodle
off their dirt floor.

- Why is their floor dirt?
- And why are they so hungry?

Uh...

those are really
good questions, guys.

I guess the main reasons

are lack of infrastructure,

famine, disease...

- and war.
- Why do they have a war?

Hmm. Let's back it up.

Have your folks
talked to you at all

- about ethnic tensions?
- Uh-uh.

[Japanese music playing]
- Thank you.

So, uh, Jared,
what do you do?

Uh, I short currencies.
Ooh!

Yeah! We're getting
insta updates off ESPN.

You do it, Hernandez!

- It's awesome.
(Brooke) [laughs]

So where did you
learn Japanese?

Well, I skied on the
U.S. Slalom team at Nagano,

so I think of
all the Japanese

- as my "fa-mu-rii."
- [laughs]

- It means family.
- Wow, you were an Olympian?

- That's amazing.
- I know.

Hi, can we get
some menus, please?

Not being a diva,
I'm just a minute away from

taking a bite out of
your beautiful child-face.

Stunning.
I'm hypnotized.

You're so sweet.

And I love your scarf.

Is that from the looms of
the Rajasthani weaver's guild?

I did a story on them.
How did you--

I was literally just
emailing with Devadas--

Oh, my God.
Hi, Danielle. Over here.

Brooke, look who it is.

Jill, let's not
make a scene.

What do you mean?
She's your peeps.

Not since her husband
got nabbed for insider trading.

Wait, so her husband
went to jail

so you stop
talking to her?

Brooke can't be around all
that drama while she's pregnant.

Ten years.
Orange is the new bye-bye.

Oh, nope, we don't need
menus, we're not tourists.

We're doing...

Omakase.

[gong crashes]

Chef selection menu.

We have silver lotus level
and gold dragon level.

Or laughing Buddha level.

11 courses.

So special.
Even price is a mystery.

- [woman gasps]
- Done.

Ten laughing Buddhas.

Make that nine
laughing Buddhas.

Sorry, I'll just have
the creamy, spicy shrimp.

Uh, Omakase menu must be
everyone together

or no one can enjoy.

- Is there like a three course?
- No, 11 courses all around.

We're gonna be here
all night.

And, uh, six bottles
of your best sake.

[cheering]

(waitress)
Thank you for your trust.

While we prepare,
please enjoy

Japanese lute
performance.

[tranquil lute music]

♪ ♪

You're never at
the good end of the table,

you're paying
a bajillion dollars

to subsidize
other people's alcoholism,

and it goes on
forevskis and a day.

- Am I right?
- Open wide.

[drill whirring]

First course is fresh
Daikon leaf with sea salt.

(all)
Ooh.

[Jill scoffs]

[Brooke laughing]

(Brooke)
We have to get
together sometime.

Just saying hi.

Isn't this ridic?
[scoffs]

I mean, really,
they probably just picked that

out of the planter
in the corner

and shoved it
on a plate.

Jill, just try it.
It's delicious.

- It's so fresh.
- Oh... kay.

(Waitress)
Next course trio of edamame.

Pearls of wisdom.

Fourth course,
bamboo-infused Udon noodle.

Most auspicious noodle.

[gong crashes]
(all) Ooh.

(Jill)
You're so lonely.

[Danielle crying]

Jill?

[muffled]
How did you know it was me?

Your shoes sounded cheap.
[whimpering]

Hey.

I'm sorry about your husband,
and, you know, jail.

Oh, okay.
It's a difficult time.

- Let it out.
- Thank you for talking to me.

Brooke won't
even look at me.

Danielle,
you are a strong woman

and--

Do you happen to have
any snacks in your purse?

My blood sugar
is base jumping right now.

You think I'd carry
food in my handbag?

What has happened
to my life?

No, of course not.
You're still you.

Okay.

Just--just without your
husband or your friends.

[crying]

Look, I have to go back,
but if you need anything,

I am here, you know,
in spirit. Okay?

All right.

Awesome rocky rolls.

Carbs!
♪ Hallelujah ♪

- Where's mine?
- It was delicious.

- Like a pussy made out of rice.
- [laughter]

Jilly beans, you gotta listen
to Sebastian's story.

I just banged
this epileptic chick.

I made her cáá so hard
she had a seizure.

In bed she was like...
[groaning]

[laughter]

Wait, excuse me,
aren't you married?

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, he's deaf.

- So?
- Anyway, I'd go with your wife.

I think about it
all the time.

What are you guys
talking about?

Who at the table
we'd bone if our wives

- gave us a freebie.
- I bet you she's a screamer.

[Lex laughs]
- And I love fake tits.

- Whoa!
- Dude, if you were anybody else

I would pummel you,
but you're you,

so it's hilarious.

Hey, let's hear
the Jill version. Huh?

Which one of us
would it be?

For shááá and gigs.

[funky music playing]

♪ ♪

This is thick.

I would take you all
up to my bedroom...

- Oh!
- Oh, she's crazy!

And then I'd roofie you,
roll you up in a duvet,

and light it on fire.
Excuse me.

Jilly beans.

That's kinda dark.

We are in hour three.

Seriously, call the police.

Tell them there's
a hostage situation.

It isn't even really a lie.

[groans]
Group dinners.

It's like hell and purgatory
at the same time.

Sometimes I think
you're the only person

who really
understands me.

I'm definitely the only person
who understands you.

- How many people?
- Ten!

And my mom-friend
thinks I'm cellophane

and Brooke is turning on
her tractor beam,

and acting all smart.

Listen, you have a tractor beam.
You're smart.

You had the date
with the mom-friend.

I say fight back.

Thanks, I think I will.

Love you. Bye.

So, where were we?

(all)
AIDS.

[funky music playing]

♪ ♪

Do you mind
if I take this?

- Thanks.
[Brooke laughs]

Jill, what are you doing?

- Just joining the party.
- There's no place setting.

Oh, it's okay.

- So where were we?
- I was just telling Rima

how, ever since the sale,

I've felt I needed a bigger

philanthropic canvas,
so to speak.

If you are as fortunate
as we are,

you have to constantly
be giving back

or you start to look bad.

So, I thought,

"Who needs things?"

Orphans in Africa.

Well, what are you
going to focus on?

I mean, there's just
so many issues.

Totally.
Ebola, hunger.

But then it hit me...

Bouncy castles.

Wait,
you're going to send

bouncy castles to Africa?

Did you ever consider,
I don't know,

toilets or medicine?

[laughs nervously]

It may seem frivolous,

but bouncy castles
are low-cost to ship

and they don't require
any assembly.

The way I see it,

joy shouldn't be
a luxury item.

I think it's original,
Brooke.

You're giving these poor kids
a chance to just be kids.

- You get it.
- I'm sorry, Rima,

but when you were in "Nambia,"
did it really seem like

the thing they needed the most
was bouncy castles?

- Do you mean Namibia?
- "Nambia's" not a country.

Oh, right,
I meant Zambia.

Ah.

[gong crashes]

Seventh course
is holy water

from mountains
of Nagano prefecture.

[Brooke gasps]
Nagano!

[sighs]

[triumphant fanfare]

Mmm.

Tastes just how
I remember.

Like victory.

I mean, couldn't you
just barf?

Rima's eating it up
and I'm sitting there

starving my ass off
trapped in a douche canoe

with a chopstick
for a paddle.

[laughter]

Eighth course is
whipped fermented fish paste.

(all)
Ooh.

[gong crashes]

Hon, I'm sorry, I tried,
I really tried,

but here's my proposal.

Popeye's, sex,
and Broad City.

No! You can't take him
from me.

No, ma'am.

Come on, hon,
I don't want to leave.

I'm having fun.

Okay, you stay
and I'm gonna take

my "hangry" ass home.

You cannot miss
the sea urchin course.

- Now sit your tiny ass down.
- [laughs]

I forbid you to leave.

[sighs]

So, Jared,
what made you the, uh,

unforgettable person
you are today?

- Spare no details.
- I'm glad you asked.

I was born
with acid reflux

so I grew up in Scarsdale,
my mom's a piano teacher...

...held off my circumcision...
I had to wear corrective shoes

till my Bar Mitzvah...
Yeah, I was molested

by my uncle
and my third grade teacher.

And my track coach.
I think I must've just been

a really beautiful kid.

Final course.
Fragile egg shell.

(all)
Ooh.

Empty of substance
like life.

It is whimsical Zen koan
of dessert.

Thank you.
Good night.

Honey, we should go.
Sitter, okay?

Check please.

- Six grand, yo.
[all groaning]

Must have been
the sake.

Hey, credit card
roulette.

Testicles on the table,
d-bags.

Boom.

Do the honors.

Boom!

- It's me.
[laughter]

Yeah, it's nothing.
It's chump change.

Okay, well,
this has been really great.

What a coincidence,
we should buy a Lotto ticket

on the way home.
Thank you.

Okay. What--what happened
to your ring?

[screams]
No!

(Dottie)
But do you believe in God,
Aunt Vanessa?

Um, I don't think
I do, actually.

You know? I kind of see God
as a comforting,

imaginary figure
that makes people feel better.

Like Santa Claus
or the Tooth Fairy.

The Tooth Fairy's
not real?

Okay, one more topic
and then you're going to sleep.

And this time,
I mean it.

But, Aunt Vanessa,
if it's not God,

then who
gives people AIDS?

Hm, how many of you

have heard the term,
"retrovirus"?

- [Brooke crying]
- (Officer) Ma'am, calm down.

Do you mind telling me
what happened?

Ma'am, I understand
you're upset,

but we can't perform
rectal searches

without probable cause.

- Find anything?
- Just a sticky Euro.

I am so sorry
this was such a disaster.

Are you kidding?
11 course meal,

jewel heist,
this is the most fun

I've had in a long time.

I was always so intimidated
by your sister-in-law,

but she's actually
quite warm.

You've had dinner
with the Taliban

and you're intimidated
by Brooke?

Yeah, I mean,
she's just so...

glamorous.
I could never be like that.

Forget it.

Let the record reflect
that I "went with the flow."

You know who else
went with the flow?

Leo DiCaprio in Titanic.

Honey, what are you
gonna do?

- She lost her rock.
- Does nothing bother you?

We've been here
for seven hours!

I actually had
a good time, hon.

I mean, I'm sorry that you
got stuck at the bankers end

of the table,
but what do you want from me?

I just wish,
every once in a while,

that people annoyed you
as much as they annoy me.

Well, I'm annoyed
right now.

Ya happy?

[Danielle crying]

Jesus,
you're still here?

Jill?

I just couldn't deal with
them all looking at me again

when I walked out.

- Danielle,
- What?

Who cares what
a bunch of

anorexic, pill-popping
hypocrites think?

I mean, they let
this vile misogynist

go on and on about
the other women

he's banging
because he's deaf.

And another one is
pretending her husband

isn't sashaying down
Christopher Street

- waving a rainbow flag.
[toilet flushes]

Rima, hi.

Wow, that was a lot.

I'm sorry, it was
the low blood sugar talking.

I barely ate anything
all day and the portions

are like you need
a microscope to see them.

Hey,
it's not my business.

I'm just surprised that
you're harshing on everyone.

You just seemed so nice.

And you know what?
That was really offensive.

That man is not gay,
he is deaf.

Snap,
that was cold.

- Hey.
- Sorry we're so late.

So, what happened
with the mom-crush?

Pretty sure
I dirty-bombed that friendship.

You think I'm a nice person,
don't you?

If you were just
"a nice person,"

we wouldn't be friends.
Come here.

I worship you.

Littles?

Perfect angels.
What else...

There's a load of laundry
in the dryer,

I finished your grapes,
and oh, yeah,

I told the kids about
starvation, war, and AIDS.

And how there's no God.

Okay, I love you.

Love you more.
Bye.

Night.

Mmm.

[snoring]

Hey, you're snoring again.

What's it?
Sex time?

No. Babe,

tonight sucked balls,

and it wasn't entirely
your fault.

Is that--
[stammers]

I accept your apology.

I think this Upper East Side
momzilla scene

is making me crazy.

Maybe it's time
for us to move.

[snoring]

[rock music plays]

We never did find
Brooke's rock.

If there's any justice
in the world,

it went home
up a busboy's butthole.

(Brooke)
There you are.

Damn pregnancy boobs.

Anyway, I feel so much better
after talking to you.

I mean,
Rima's just one person.

This is a big city.
It's not like she's whispering

into everyone's ears
telling them what to think.

(Rima on radio)
...once the main thoroughfare
of the storied towns.

but now it looks
like a river.

I'm Rima Chiquri-Portman...

(Dentist)
I just love this reporter.

She's so substantive.
Don't you think?

(Man on radio)
Rima Chiquri-Portman
reports on a charity

that brings bouncy castles
to Africa.

(Jill)
For more Odd Mom Out
go to bravotv.com.

[seagulls crying, splat]
(girl) Oh, dear.

(boy)
Left, right,
left, right, left, right!