All language subtitles for Odd.Mom.Out.S01E03_English

(male announcer)
Next is a Bravo scripted
original series.

Babe, I'm buggin'.

Today at pickup,
we were, like,

the only people who
hadn't heard from schools

to set up
the interviews.

Should I call
to check in?

No, you've got to stop thinking
about school applications.

Live your life, honey.

Maybe stop sleeping with
the phone between your boobs.

But what if
I miss the call?

I heard about this woman

who missed the call
from St. Sebastian's,

wound up in
hellish phone tag,

and now her daughter's
a Knicks City Dancer.

[phone rings]

Landline!
Landline!

Okay, okay.

[phone beeps]
- Hello?

Oh, that's exciting.

Interview Friday, yes.

That's fine.
Great. Thank you.

What school?
What time?

It wasn't school.

It's a cemetery.

What?

It's this fancy
application-only cemetery,

Greenacres Park.

You have to apply
to a cemetery?

Mom's been obsessed
with it for years.

They just booted a few more
of the Madoffs,

so now we have a chance
of getting off the wait list.

As if getting into the right
kindergarten weren't enough,

now I have to get
into the right worm buffet?

Honey, my family's
still pissed

that we didn't put the "Von"
back into our name.

We are in the dog house.

We're in
the maison du chien?

Oui.

So just get on board

and come to this
interview tomorrow.

Okay, I will be there,

and I will kill it.

Please don't kill anything.
Just be yourself...

on Xanax.

♪♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪♪

♪♪ I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine ♪♪

(Cardiff)
Let me ask you something, Doc.

How old are you?

- 39 and change.
- Mm.

You got kids?

No, and I can
save you the trouble.

My best friend's always on me
to freeze my eggs.

I have cobwebs
on my uterus.

No, don't do it.

Kids take.
They use.

They filch the joy
out of your life.

Really?

But your children seem
so devoted to you.

Ah, they're sharks
circling for chum.

Ingrates, every one of them.

I dropped out of school
in the eighth grade

to support my family
and never stopped.

My kids, they've found
their passions.

Find yours.
See the world.

You mean there's a world
outside this hospital?

[laughing]

You're funny, Doc.

You're like the child
I wish I never had.

[chuckles]

Make me a promise.

Come to my wake.

Mr. Cardiff,
you're not dying.

I've hung out
with a lot of people

right at the end,
and trust me--

[flatline]

Oh, [bleep].

What's going on, Paul?
I'm kind of swamped here.

Here's the thing.

Emily quit 'cause
she didn't make partner.

I was afraid of that.
She's a friend of mine.

Well, she was pissed.

You should have heard her
on the way out.

Glass ceiling this,
Hillary Clinton that.

Cone of silence--

I think she's going
through early menopause.

Paul, she's, like, 35.

I know.
It's a shame.

Anyway, she's filing

a sexual-discrimination suit
against the firm,

which is weird,

'cause she's not even hot.

We thought you
could handle our defense

because you know
her weaknesses.

Really sink your teeth
into her neck

and just start
shaking and shaking

and shaking,
until she's dead...

legally speaking.

And the best part
is that this cemetery

requires ten letters
of recommendation.

"Ten"?
Come on.

That say what?

"I've never known a family
to decompose with more grace."

"Their offspring
will only leave

the most stylish
flower arrangements."

"They won't slide open
their coffin tops

and rise up to perform
Thriller choreography."

Hey-hee!

Death must be trending.

Tomorrow I have
my very first wake.

Mazel tov.
Who croaked?

This amazing old guy

who practically died
in my arms yesterday.

How Juliette Binoche.

Since when do you
bond enough with patients

to go to their wake?

This guy was special.

And get a load
of his name--

Pendleton Rutledge Cardiff IV.

PRC4 died in your arms?

His obit was, like,
half a page

in the New York Times,
above the fold.

He's "maje."

He's like the Rockefeller
of our day.

I bet you a million bucks

he's RIP-ing
at Greenacres Park.

I have to admit,
being there right when he died

kind of got to me.

It made me think
seriously about--

Hijacking some sperm?

The opposite, actually.

He's the first person
I've ever heard say

he regretted having kids.

Said they were
basically parasites

who sucked
all the time, energy,

and joy out of his life.

He is dead to me.

Well, he's dead, so...

The point is,
I work and I watch TV.

I jog and have
sex occasionally.

What are my passions?

See, the thing
about having kids is,

you don't have to worry

about stupid stuff
like passions.

[chuckles]

Okay, what's on
your bucket list,

aside from banging
Viggo Mortensen

in his full
Lord of the Rings outfit?

I don't know.

I used to be
kind of outdoorsy.

When, in a previous life?

- Oh, my God, tater war!
- [laughs]

Okay, I've got to
drop off the kids,

get gussied up
for my corpse interview,

so we need to get
the Czechoslovakia.

(Jill)
Okay, guys, we're gonna be late!

Love you, have fun.

(Miles)
Happy birthday, BJ!

Thanks, Marisa.
I'll see you in two hours?

No, it's not drop-off.

But, yes, it is.

I double-checked
my Paperless Post.

It said drop-off.

No, not for people
with twins

or kids who have
too much screen time.

And, well, let's face it,
you kind of cover both.

Have some pizza.

It has no crust,
no sauce, no dairy.

Right, sure, I just have
this thing I cannot miss,

- and I didn't realize--
- Stop it, BJ!

Byron James, you get your head
out of her crotch now!

Hey, you're Jill, right?

- Yes.
- Rima.

Hi. You were on the Dalton tour
with me this spring.

Yeah, and Trinity, I think.

So have those schools called you
to set up the interviews yet?

Sorry.
Don't answer that.

I'm trying to stay
as sane as possible

through this process.

But did they?

Yes, but don't worry.
They'll call.

And I'm happy
to watch the twins.

Henry's cousin taught him
to "whip it out" last week,

so I'm not going anywhere.

You are a goddess
among mortals.

Can I give you my cell?

Only Highgate Cemetery
in London

competes with Greenacres.

The Parliament even consulted us
when they were expanding.

[banging]

I am so sorry.

Oh, my God,
the subway took "forevskis,"

and then these tourists
stopped me

to ask for directions,

and it turned into
this whole therapy sesh

about their Airbnb.

What, did I say
something bad?

Oh.

Sorry.
Please continue.

[clears throat]
As I was saying,

our grounds hold some
of the most legendary

members of society--

heads of state,
Barney...of Barney's,

Sunny von Bulow, poor dear.

Most of our aboveground
monuments are made of limestone,

but there is one
that is one continuous piece

of black granite.

Honey, put that away,
please.

I can't.

I have no bars here,

and I need to be available
in case schools call.

They still
haven't called?

Yikes.

Our proximity
to a natural spring

makes for a year-round
verdant heath.

Sorry.
I'm completely listening.

I just--I'm trying
to find some bars.

I'm expecting an urgent call--
or 14, actually.

Ah, this is good.
Okay, continue.

We have unmatched maintenance
for our landscape design.

Pigeons are kept at bay
by a red-tailed fox--

[bluesy ringtone]

Oh, sorry, this will
just take a sec.

- Hello?
- Hey, Jill.

He's totally fine,

but Miles
broke his glasses,

and now he's bawling.

Oh, my God,
how did they break?

Wait. Miles doesn't
even wear glasses.

He doesn't?

No, he's in a white T
with blue sleeves.

Oh, I've been watching
the wrong kid.

I see him now.

He's picking his nose.
He's fine.

- Thanks.
- Honey, sit down.

Sorry.
Continue.

So, if you were to be accepted,

five available plots are here
on the grassy knoll.

The other eight are across
the glen at the ocean's edge,

with a view of the sunset
and the horizon.

(Candace)
Magnificent.

- That's exquisite.
- That would be beautiful.

But .we're dead, right?

(man)
Come on, Vanessa,
keep pushing!

- Keep pushing!
- [shouts]

You're almost
at the top.

You got one more step.
Come on.

[Vanessa shouts]

Oh, my God!

I did it!

Whoo-hoo!

Now what?

Well, you come down.

Oh.

So what'd I come
up here for?

The experience?

Oh.

Pricey experience.

In one scenario,
the plain Webers

would rest here
on the grassy knoll,

and the Von Webers,
party of eight,

would be laid by the ocean.

Wait.
Why would there be eight?

Well, naturally,
one for my unborn granddaughter,

whose name I'm not
allowed to know.

Apparently,
it's a big state secret.

Right, but that still leaves
one extra plot.

Then it's
for my future husband,

unknown as he may be
at this moment.

What?

Dad would be devastated
if you remarried.

Your father lost his vote
the day he decided to go

on the great white shark
expedition.

[bluesy ringtone]

(Jill)
I'm sorry.

Hello?

(Rima)
Okay, so...

now real Miles
has a bloody nose.

I wouldn't have called,
but it's like a tsunami.

He bled all over BJ,
and now he's soaking.

Oh, my God,
BJ's soaking?

Okay, this happens sometimes.

Just take a tampon,
cut it in half lengthwise,

and shove it up there.

I'm on my way.

Would you please forgive us
for these hideous interruptions?

So sorry.

it's 4:30, and I didn't budget
for this colossal schlep.

My kids are at a party.
There's a bloody nose.

So it's really been
a pleasure.

Just dump my bones
anywhere.

I'm easy.
Okay. Bye-bye!

I am so, so sorry.

They are charging me $15
for every minute of overtime,

and you are
42 minutes late.

(man)
43

I am going
to reimburse you.

Oh, my God,
I am so mortified.

Wait, how much is--
So math is not my strong suit.

Okay, do you take
frozen yogurt cards?

It's only one more stamp,
and then you get a free medium,

two toppings.

Okay, I'm gonna
give you a check.

Take your kids and leave.

[bluesy ringtone]

Okay.
Wait, my phone!

My phone!
My phone, sorry.

It's a school!

Oh, my God.

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Yes.

No, that is not
your present!

Sorry. Shh.

- Are you kidding me?
- Terrific, thank you.

Thanks.
Bye.

Okay.
I am so sorry.

[bluesy ringtone]

Oh, my God,
another school.

Sorry.
When it rains, it pours.

Hello?

Yes, wonderful.
Thank you so much.

Bye-bye.

I'm so sorry.

Just go.

Okay, guys.
Oh, my God, you poor thing.

Okay, bye.
Thanks so much for having us.

Say thanks.

Okay, bye.

Babe!
All 14 schools called.

At the same time,
but still,

all of our
interviews are set.

I can finally rejoin
normal civilization.

What?

We got rejected
from Greenacres Park.

You're kidding.

But we were talking coffin
locations and everything.

Did they say why?

Well, I don't want
to point any fingers, but...

- Me?
- Yeah, you.

You literally crazied
our family out of a grave.

And I know you don't care,

but I had to listen
to my mother go on

and on and on about how--
"No, just roll her up

in a Persian rug and dump her
over the side of a ship."

Babe, I'm so sorry.

I really am.

Are you okay?

I'm just frustrated
about other things.

I mean, I finally
make partner, and I think,

"Oh, it's gonna be this great,
life-changing thing."

And for what?

So I can work even harder,

see you guys even less,

till we're all dead,
lying on the grassy knoll,

not looking over the ocean.

Except we're not gonna be
in the grassy knoll, right?

'Cause we got rejected.

Well, wherever we end up,

probably that cemetery
over by JFK,

we'll be dead.

I will have written
a lot of legal briefs,

the end.

Okay, you're under a lot
of pressure right now,

but I am going to fix this
Greenacres Park thing, okay?

Hand to God.

No, put your hand down.

Do not do anything else.

Please.

Sure.

[opera music playing]

[cell phone ringing]

[gasps]

See this?

Took me two hours to make.

I don't think
cooking's my hobby.

Still, impressed.

Okay, so I know
you hate death,

so I'm going to come with you
to that wake tomorrow.

I don't hate death.

I deal with it every day.

Okay, fine!

I screwed up
the cemetery thing,

and now I have to gargle
this old guy's balls

to change his mind.

[gargling]

Exactly.

I can't give Andy's family
one more reason to hate me.

Yeah, they really
don't like you.

It's a shame.

Anyway, I discovered,
thanks to dateanundertaker.com,

that Cornelius Hollingsworth III

is a founding member of
the Three Chocolatiers--yum--

and also is really into bridge
and Japanese koi.

Okay, what
are you going to do,

ambush this old dude
with a tank of fish?

Jill?

I'm thinking.

That's pretty good.

Do you still have that friend
with the pickup truck?

Really, the nicest thing
you could do for the guy

would be to get him
new hobbies.

See you tamale.

[smooches]

[cell phone ringing]

- Hey, Lex.
- Aloha, bro-ha.

Where are you?

I'm coming to pick you up.

Your building
has a pier, right?

No, we're pretty much
landlocked.

Some of us
actually work, Lex.

You are wasting your life
at that white-shoe law firm.

You should come work
for Hercules, dude.

Look, I'm not even
wearing shoes today.

You got to clip
your toenails.

I'm serious.

We're researching
all kinds of new markets.

Did you know there's literally
no Chipotles in Mexico?

I don't want to live in a world
where a Mexican

can't get an ecologically
sustainable burrito, do you?

I'm hanging up now, Lex.

Seriously,
just think about it, man.

It'd be fun.

Life's too short.

[organ music]

Is that a wax--
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
it's a person.

It's him.
It's Cardiff.

What is happening?

Oh, I read about this.

It's a whole thing,
living wakes.

It's like human taxidermy.

I thought you said
he didn't have any hobbies.

(Mrs. Cardiff)
Oh, Doctor Wrigley.

Thank you so much
for coming.

My husband
just adored you.

Your husband
was a wonderful man.

He was
a world-class prick.

He missed both my weddings
for golf tournaments

and stopped speaking to me
'cause I married a black woman.

Wow.
So many questions.

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

So sorry for your loss...

and everything else.

Is it possible to get good
advice from a horrible person?

Totally.

Machiavelli,
and I actually heard

Mother Teresa
was a bitch.

Oh, it's Hollingsworth.

Wish me luck.

Mr. Hollingsworth?

Hi.

Jill Weber.

Oh, yes.

"I heart BJ."

Right.
Um...

I just wanted to say
I am so sorry for my behavior.

I'd hate
for my husband's family

to be eternally punished.

I appreciate
the sentiment.

I'll take it
into consideration.

Thank you so much.

Oh, your pin.

Did you go
to Yale too?

Good day, Mrs. Weber.

Oh, I just wanted
to leave you

with these chocolates.

Mrs. Weber, is this
what I think it is?

You love
Varsano's chocolates too?

I didn't know if you were
a milk or dark person.

The squares
are marshmallow.

Prepare to die.

Mrs. Weber, Greenacres Park
does not look kindly on bribes,

and neither do I.

Bribes?
What?

No, these aren't
even for you.

They're for
Mr. Cardiff's widow.

Then why is there an "H"
in a heart?

Because they're
for Helen.

Her name is Ruth.

Might I remind you
that this is a wake?

A man has died.

His loved ones are here
to pay their respects.

I'll take those.

No!

They're for Helen!

What are you--

[Vanessa gasps]

Oh, my God.

We should go.

Yeah, this is bad.

[men singing a cappella]

♪♪ Doo-wah ♪♪

♪♪ Doo-doo ♪♪

What sheer bliss is this?

I'm instantly transported
back to my days at Yale.

Is this because of my op-ed

protesting a cappella cutbacks
in the Ivy League?

[singing continues]

♪♪ Broadway ♪♪

You!

♪♪ Oh, Broadway ♪♪

- I'm calling security.
- No, wait, please.

I just wanted
to apologize again,

with the help of your former
singing group from Yale.

A-one, two, three, four.

♪♪ Give my regards
to Broadway ♪♪

♪♪ Remember me
to Herald Square ♪♪

♪♪ Tell all the gang
at 42nd Street ♪♪

♪♪ That I'll soon be there ♪♪

Stop, stop, stop singing.
I've heard enough.

I'll ask you
for the last time

to leave my grounds
immediately.

Totally not
your fault, guys.

All me.

(man)
Catch you later, Jill.

Sorry.

Mrs. Weber, I am not
finished with you.

The second soprano
of my a cappella group,

the Brazen Overtures,
is having her hip replaced,

and we have four events
coming up.

Does this mean--

Show up tomorrow night,
7:00 to 9:00,

for rehearsal at La Mama.

I'll be there.
Thank you!

I can't believe
you got us in.

I don't even want to know
how you managed to pull it off,

but thank you.

It was nothing.

And I've been thinking.

If this partner thing isn't
all it's cracked up to be,

let's talk
about your next move.

Well, Lex offered me
a job at Hercules.

[chuckles]

Over my dead body...

which reminds me,

if I land
at the grassy knoll first,

I want you to remarry
and be happy.

We're not having
this conversation.

What about Lolly McTamany?

You're fixing me up now?

I like having my ducks
in a row.

- Harlow Kincaid?
- No.

Alexis Hilton?

Now, she's cute.

Okay.

Alexis Hilton, it is.

Good night, sweetheart.

I mean, I didn't know
she was your type.

I hear she's difficult.

Well, then she's
definitely my type.

I love you.

Love you.

(man on TV)
It was really rough...

[cell phone ringing]

You will not believe this.

I'm watching
some new reality show

where they pair homeless
people with life coaches.

I have so much TV
to catch up on.

You know, I tried
cultivating my passions,

but then I realized,

I might be too lazy
for kids or hobbies.

May I remind you that
my father-in-law's hobby

was swimming
with great white sharks

until one digested him.

[snickers]

You always say
the right thing.

- Love you.
- I love you.

(woman on TV)
Okay, I want you to picture
yourself 12 months from now.

What are two things you'd like
to have more of in your life?

(man on TV)
Heroin and pussy.

Ugh.

[blows tuning whistle]

A-one and a-two
and a-one, two, three.

(all)
♪♪ By the light ♪♪

♪♪ Of the silvery moon ♪♪

♪♪ Not the sun,
but the moon ♪♪

♪♪ I want to spoon ♪♪

♪♪ Not a fork, but a spoon ♪♪

♪♪ To my honey,
I'll croon love's tune ♪♪

♪♪ Honeymoon ♪♪

♪♪ Have a honey honeymoon ♪♪

♪♪ Keep it shining in June ♪♪

♪♪ Not May, but June ♪♪

♪♪ Your silvery beams
will be love's dreams ♪♪

♪♪ We'll be cuddling soon ♪♪

♪♪ By the silvery moon ♪♪

(Jill)
For more Odd Mom Out,
go to bravotv.com.

[seagulls crying]

(girl)
Oh, dear.