Original subtitles

(male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series.

And then my weekend nanny

had another death in the family--again.

Can you believe the luck I'm having?

(Brooke) Actually, it was the worst summer.

We were flying back and forth

from Capri to South Hampton.

I'm overseeing two renovations.

That's two sets of blueprints.

I need a vacation from my vacation.

Where do you guys summer, again?

We summer on 61st Street between 2nd and 3rd.

Mm.

(Mrs. Hardwick) Welcome, everyone.

We're delighted to have you here at our curriculum night.

Curriculum night, please.

They're in preschool.

What's next, they're gonna major in finger-painting and sand?

And while you've been busy

working on those kindergarten applications,

we've been busy too,

learning a little bit about you.

Rutherford says,

"My mommy loves salad,

Pinot Grigio, and our helicopter."

[laughter]

Piper says, "My daddy's a plastic surgeon.

He loves his Maseratis and making people's faces not ugly."

[laughter]

And this from Dottie--

"My mommy loves tattoos,

"underwear dance parties,

and bad words."

Oh, [bleep].

[upbeat rock music]

♪ I guess you know ♪

♪ I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine ♪

Mommy!

Mommy, why is your butt so jiggly?

Because I have three kids.

Thanks, Miles.

Guys, okay you have to get dressed.

We're gonna do the thing for Daddy, okay?

Hurry, please.

Hey, guys, come on, get dressed.

No, you're too early!

I had a whole surprise for you.

For me? Oh, well...

Congratulations on making partner.

- We're so proud of you. - Thank you.

It was gonna be a whole spread

with eggs and fruit and everything.

It was like a miracle.

Did you hear Miles ridiculing my "thass"?

What's "thass?"

"Thigh" plus "ass" equals "thass."

And after three kids,

my vag is like the Holland Tunnel.

Sometimes I walk around, and it sounds

like somebody's stirring mac and cheese.

Are we having mac and cheese tonight?

I said get dressed!

(Andy) Get dressed please.

I don't know.

I think everything's holding up great.

In fact, I was thinking,

what if I went into work late today?

Honey, I know it's your special day,

but there was just a study at Stanford University...

(Miles) Mommy, can I crack an egg?

That all these mothers have sensory overload--

[kids shouting]

'Cause the kids are, like, pawing them all day,

and so we're, like, OD-ing on touch.

- Right. - Okay?

And we have to pick the photos

for the kids' kindergarten applications.

- Yep. - We have to pick today.

Come here.

(Miles) Can I have gum for breakfast?

Nope, no gum.

Do you think Miles looks a little R-A-P-E-Y here?

[phone ringing]

Who calls anymore?

My mother.

Okay, guys, did you brush your teeth yet?

- Hello, Mother. - Isn't it wonderful news?

Uh, yeah, thanks, how'd you hear?

The New York Times, CNN, Bloomberg News.

It's on the front page of every business section.

Oh, I thought you were calling about my news.

I'm just catching up, one second.

I'll save you the trouble.

Hercules Partners, your baby brother's firm,

sold that bagel company to the Chinese

for $675 million.

What was your news?

Um...

(man) Congratulations.

Thank you.

- Congratulations - Thanks, guys.

Whoo, Andy!

Yes, dude, so give me the play-by-play.

Oh, but, like, make it like SportsCenter, though.

I guess it's been in the works for a while.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

I was always on the partner track.

No, no, no, dude, not that.

No, your kid brother, Lex.

Uh, ka-ching.

Bagels.

(Jill) I mean, they're my in-laws.

I should be happy for them,

but they're gonna be even more "insuffs"

than they already are.

It'll be wheels up to St. Barth's

and wheels up to Aspen and breakfast at Wimbledon.

I'm a doctor. I save babies with my hands.

Even if I live to be "eleventy,"

I'd never see a tenth of that type of coin.

Lex isn't even that smart.

His equity firm just got lucky

investing in the company that brought bagels to China.

China, I know.

I mean, if it were North Korea, I'd be impressed.

He and Brooke are fetuses,

and now they're as rich as Mark Zuckerberg's pinky.

Okay, you do realize you're rich too, right?

Yeah, maybe in the normal universe,

where normal people live.

But between Lexington and 5th, I'm a charity case.

- Jill! - Seriously.

People come to our walk-up for play dates,

and they act like I live in a cardboard box.

Oh...

sorry.

Oh, my God, it's her.

[bombastic hip-hop]

It's my sister-in-law.

I swear, our kids are in the same class this year.

I can't escape her.

Wait, I thought she was pregnant with her fourth.

Did she lose the baby?

No, she's seven months pregnant.

That baby is gonna be the size of a Diet Coke can.

Hi, guys.

Brooke, congrats on the sale.

So exciting.

We're quite pleased.

We're quite pleased for you.

(Danielle) Vanessa, I haven't seen you since we had a white president.

- Oh. - Still living downtown?

Still toughing it out on the mean streets of SoHo.

- Huh. - So baby number four.

Good for you!

[scoffs] Thanks, I'm Shamu.

All righty, we're gonna go stuff our faces

at Midnight Express.

(Stephanie) Oh, I heard they're closing.

You're kidding.

Yeah, it's gonna be a Flush.

What's a Flush?

It's this California chainlet

that's part juice cleanse, part colonics.

It was in Vanity Fair.

(Simone) It totally works.

My sister had a toy soldier come out.

(Brooke) So, Jill, I'm seeing you

at my NACHO Kickoff Event this week, right?

At Soul Wheelz? You have yet to RSVP.

Oh, your spinning thing. I totally spaced.

I've been so swamped with kindergarten applications.

Wait, back up.

Why are we talking about nachos?

(Brooke) No, no, no.

it's my charitable organization.

New Yorkers Against Childhood Obesity.

You mean NYACHO?

NACHO.

New Yorkers...

The Y is silent.

It's my charity.

Jill, Soul Wheelz?

Believe me, you don't want me there.

I will be dead on the floor.

They'll need defibrillators.

I'll be in a chalk outline.

You're my sister-in-law,

and you never come to any of my events.

Well, it's hard to line up a sitter.

Oh, Jill, you really need to staff up.

Well, I'm not working right now,

so I prefer to do it myself.

Why don't you take Stephanie's Thai baby nurse?

You're done with her, right?

She's Tibetan.

Yeah, well, same noodle, different sauce.

Let's go. Bye.

[bell dings]

I can't believe this place is closing.

I've been coming here for 30 years.

This place is an institution.

Look at--look at this glass bottle.

You know, instead of that squeezy bull[bleep].

I mean, look at the people.

What is a Flush anyway?

What do these people do?

Put hoses in their ass and blow lunch?

Isn't that like anal bulimia?

People love putting things in their ass[bleep].

You should see what I see in the ER on the daily--

iPhone chargers, bottles of Purell,

old Phantom ticket stubs,

plastic Yodas,

Duane Reade receipts, pot.

- I hate people. - I hate people too.

So "grodsky."

A small piccolo.

You know, it's official.

This place closing just marks the end

of the real, old, gritty Upper East Side.

"Gritty"? When?

Before they paved Park Avenue?

At least when I was growing up,

there was some shame around being rich.

I mean, I knew kids who were mortified to have a driver.

Now at drop-off,

they're pimpin' cocaine-white SUVs.

And yet you continue to live here.

I was here first.

I love that you still eat doughnuts.

Thank you.

A doughnut is just a gay bagel.

So how are the kids?

Fine, annoying.

They'd be a lot cooler if they could fill out

their own kindergarten applications.

Just promise me you will not turn

into one of those freaky mom-bots over this stuff.

I would never.

Why do you think I'm blowing off

Brooke's NACHO thing?

'Cause you hate exercise?

No.

Okay, yes.

But Soul Wheelz is, like, the first stop

on the mom-bot express.

It's a cult.

Plus, I'm not a joiner.

So don't join the kindergarten cult either.

Your kids are great.

They'll be fine, wherever they go.

Oh, you're so naive.

But I'll give you this.

If I ever say that I'm going

to a $3,000-a-plate hat luncheon with the ladies,

you have my permission to kidnap me,

drag me into the woods--

And shoot you?

I was gonna say "deprogram me,"

but use your judgment.

- Done. - Okay.

[children chattering]

It's Mrs. Hardwick.

(woman) It's Mrs. Hardwick.

Hello, Mrs. Hardwick.

Hello, Mrs. Hardwick!

(Mrs. Hardwick) Mrs. Weber.

Me?

May I see you in my office?

Of course, Mrs. Hardwick.

(Mrs. Hardwick) Mrs. Weber,

we've known your family for several years,

and while we've come to appreciate your,

shall we say, unorthodox approach to parenting,

this admissions season is particularly cut-throat.

These schools are looking for leaders,

students with vision.

If we give them blocks,

will they make a pile or the Arc de Triomphe?

Mine usually just lick the blocks.

- I mean, they're 4. - Indeed.

And young 4s,

given their late-July birthdays.

So unfortunate.

They're competing against children

who have been bred for success.

Legacy families, leaders of the community.

And, unfortunately, while you are different,

you don't technically qualify as diversity.

Sometimes Miles looks half Cherokee.

How. [laughs]

I'm going to recommend

that you cast a wide net.

Yes, we have Miles applying to five schools,

Dottie to four.

We have our zoned local public school,

a charter school, and Hunter.

I'm going to recommend an even wider net.

And Andy was up against, like, three other lawyers

for this position, right?

It's one of the hardest firms to move up in.

There they are.

Hi. Mazel Tov, guys!

Oh, come on, now.

Tonight is Andy's night.

- Oh, are you kidding? - My big bro!

- Thanks, and congratulations. - Thank you.

Oh, I can't wait to see your new letterhead.

Eldridge, Pinkney, Whitehead & Weber?

Oh, no, they don't change the name of the firm.

It doesn't work like that.

Oh.

Well, good for you, anyway.

(man) Ladies.

Oh, yay, bread.

- No! - No bread!

No bread!

Oh, I have the proofs from Rutherford's

kindergarten application photo shoot.

(Candace) Oh!

Mario Testino.

(Candace) Oh, of course, of course.

- Oh, precious. - Yeah.

Jill, who did you hire

to shoot your children's photographs?

Uh, me.

My rates are great, and I'm easy to work with.

Oh, right, you and your little photography hobby.

Mother, it's not a hobby.

Jill shot for tons of magazines before we had kids.

Yeah, it's like that time you let me

"drop off a package" at that Victoria's Secret shoot.

That was awesome.

It was before I met you, babe.

Anyway, to Lex and Brooke

and bagels in China.

May they never hear of Dr. Atkins.

[laughter]

(woman) So how do you like working on the Upper East Side?

(Vanessa) Love it.

This is just such a nice change of pace

from Bronx Central.

It's so clean here.

And you have toilet paper in, like, every bathroom stall.

Yeah, it's a great hospital, even if it has its quirks.

- Heads up. - Coming through.

Is that a sex machine? Cool.

Pilates Reformer.

We get eight to ten workout-related injuries a week.

Jerry, I'm gonna need the electrical saw and the drill.

Or we could just cut off her ponytail.

No, not my extensions.

It's Indian hair.

- Like I said, yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, Jill,

Mrs. Hardwick is coming to NACHO.

I'm sponsoring her bike.

Hardwick, seriously?

Why?

Because that woman has the ear

of every school we're applying to.

And if you come, it'll remind her

that you're technically part of our family.

(Candace) Brooke, darling, stop pushing.

You're an Olympic skier. [chuckles]

Jill's people aren't exactly known

for their athletic prowess.

Mother.

Well, she can't just decide

to start moving her body one day.

[laughing] That would be like a panda deciding to speed-skate.

That would be adorable!

I can move my body.

I'm not a panda.

Of course.

I just don't want anything to go badly.

I appreciate your concern, Candace,

but my "thass" and I will be there.

Quick medical question.

Am I at risk for cardiac arrest

if I do Soul Wheelz

in my current state of non-fitness?

Wait. Are you actually doing that stupid NYACHO thing?

Yes, those blonde bitches think I'm gonna break my ass.

What choice do I have?

Okay, I feel it's my responsibility to remind you

of your step-aerobics moment, junior year.

It was a mild sprain,

and that teacher wasn't even certified.

Fine, go.

But you have to send me pictures of you in spandex.

It can be my early birthday present.

Done.

Okay got to run. I'm carbo-loading.

Honey, it's not a marathon.

It's 40 minutes on a hamster wheel.

You're right. How hard could it be?

Plus, it's for a bad cause.

[laughs]

[phone ringing]

(Paul) Hey!

I understand congratulations are in order.

Thanks, Paul.

We are all very happy for my brother's bank account.

No, I meant you.

You're a partner now.

Come on, top of the heap.

Living large.

What, did you forget?

Almost, actually. Thanks.

It's quite the club we're in.

115 of us partners

get to work ten times as hard

just so the firm keeps most of our salary.

You mean the buy-in.

It's that bad?

Oh, they didn't tell you about that yet.

It's $750K for overhead,

plus another 50 grand every year

towards the employee health fund.

- What? - Yeah, I know.

You can either pay it up front--ha ha--

Or divvy it up over a few years.

I've been a partner ten years now.

So I only got another, what, 16 years

before I'm out of the hole.

Yeah, it's totally worth it.

Hi.

Jill, you made it.

What is this, a unicorn?

Is that--is that a child's shirt?

No, it's mine.

I don't have all the, like, gear stuff, so...

Jill!

Welcome.

I moved mountains to be here.

I have you at bike four.

Actually, 44, in the back, very back row.

Mrs. Hardwick, hi.

Jill Weber, Dottie and Miles' mom.

I just want to tell you,

we are on the wait list for Suzuki violin.

- Martha. - Ashley, hi!

- What happened? - I know, I know.

That's why I sent you that message.

Okay.

- Hey, sweetheart. - Hey.

Wow. Look at this turnout, huh?

I'm so proud of you.

Where's your spin outfit?

I laid it out on the bed for you.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

I just came for the photo-op, right?

I have to be at the club in half an hour.

Actually, in 23 minutes.

Sorry to butt in.

One thing that I asked of you.

Hey, do you want Ella to stay and bike?

I don't need her after this, huh?

Why would I want your assistant here?

You can't just throw her at every problem.

Hey, everybody, let's give a round of applause

for my beautiful wife, Brooke, huh?

Who made all this happen.

[applause]

All right!

[applause continues]

Hey, sweetheart, how you doing, Jill?

Yeah, you guys have fun, and NACHO, huh?

[applause]

[clears throat]

There is a plague upon us.

Childhood obesity is a scourge

affecting millions of children

in this country,

like little Augustus here.

Augustus, come on up here.

Your financial support will help children

by introducing prophylactic gastric bypasses

for at-risk kids with morbidly obese parents.

Thank you, Augustus,

for being the brave face of this hideous disease.

[applause]

Hey, are you okay?

That was kind of harsh.

I don't give a [bleep].

I get 500 bucks for these dog-and-pony shows.

Not bad.

Now, let's give it up for the soul of Soul Wheelz,

the one and only Nikki B!

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Ah!

Are you bitches ready to sweat?

[cheers and applause]

Jack up that resistance.

Come on.

Only one of you can be the leader

up on that board today.

Who's it gonna be?

And here we go.

Right, left, right, left.

Bike 44,

what's happening over there, unicorn?

Are you with us?

Turn your resistance down

in three, two, one.

Whoa!

Hey, yeah!

You got to move out of your comfort zone, people.

Right, left, left, right, left, right, left--

Keep up, unicorn!

(all) What's down there? What's up there?

What's down there? What's up there?

(Nikki B) I see who my leaders are.

Unicorn, pick the pace up.

Are you bitches gonna sit back

and let the pregnant lady on bike 13 steal the title?

Come on!

Unicorn, do you want to be the leader,

or do you want to be one of the pack?

There you go, better.

That's it.

- Clap-clap, clap-clap. [rhythmic clapping]

(Nikki B) Nice.

Stay with it, unicorn!

Stay with it!

Come on!

Am I seeing right?

The unicorn has taken the lead!

Let's here it for unicorn!

Un-i-corn!

[all chanting, "Unicorn!"]

(Nikki B) Unicorn is our leader!

Left, right, left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right!

You got to move through your comfort zone!

You're gonna be dead in 90 years!

[door opens]

Ooh, Daddy's home!

Daddy's home! Daddy's home!

Hey, guys, hey.

- Daddy! - Daddy!

Hi. What's wrong?

You didn't make $675 million today?

No, I did not,

but I did bring home tacos.

Even better!

Whoo!

I have an announcement to make.

Yeah?

I love exercise now!

I was hyperventilating.

I thought I was gonna die.

And then I staggered home, and I took a shower,

and it was like the clouds parted

and the angels sang.

♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪

♪ Amen ♪

And I not only survived,

I was the leader...

for 7 seconds, but still.

What's wrong?

We have to come up with about a million bucks for the firm.

It's called a buy-in.

So you got a million bucks sitting around?

'Cause I don't.

Okay, that is sucky enough to kill my buzz.

But I say let's freak out about it tomorrow.

And I want to show you the photos I took

for the kindergarten applications.

Okay, what do you think?

Do these look like the future leaders of tomorrow?

Supreme Court justices?

Pop stars?

People who blog about pop stars?

(Andy) Dentists, maybe.

I have an idea.

Underwear dance par-tay!

[joyous music]

♪ ♪

Come on, Miles, get down!

♪ ♪

Holy Toledo.

(Jill) Ow, ow, agony.

Ow! Oh, my God!

Ow, ow! [grunts]

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, Jill.

I'm stuck on the [bleep].

[laughing]

Oh, babe.

I can't get up.

Why did you let me do that?

I tried to warn you.

Ow!

The second day is worse.

I hate exercise!

(Jill) For more Odd Mom Out, it couldn't wait one night?

I mean, that's weird, even for your family.

God only knows.

Something about their trip to Austria.

Well, getting a sitter on two hours' notice

is like the triple Salchow of parenting.

It can't be done.

But I did it.

I made it happen.

[doorbell buzzes] - Ooh.

Hi, come on up.

So who'd we get, Katie or Jenny?

Katie or Jenny?

Hon, are you high?

We're not in a position to get a babysitter we know.

We're desperados.

So who the hell's looking after our kids tonight?

Someone that the Goulds' downstairs neighbor's

sitter's friend met in improv class.

[doorbell rings]

Hi!

Where are the kiddos?

I brought toys.

I bet you did.

Welcome.

Kids, the booby-sitter--

the babysitter's here.

Um, Can you pick your tongue off the floor?

We've got to go.

We have a reservation.

♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪

♪ I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine ♪

Okay, we scrounged up a sitter at the last minute.

Pretty sure she's a porn star, but she was available.

What is this urgent, thrilling news?

It's official.

We're not regular people.

We're Vons.

And so are you.

- What? - What does that mean?

(Candace) As you know, one of the reasons

why we flew to Vienna for the weekend

was to explore our family history.

And we discovered that we are direct descendants

of a 16-century Prussian duke,

Ludwig Von Weber,

which means we are actually Austrian aristocracy.

Rad.

Oh, yay, bre--

- No bread! - No bread!

Anyway, I was telling Dottie

the other day for the thousandth time

that she can't pee standing up.

Jillybean, you're not hearing the best part.

We're all changing our name to Von Weber.

Ha, right!

Oh, my God, you're serious?

Well, we're not actually changing.

We're restoring.

Now, if a Cezanne were chipped,

it would be restored, yes?

You see, this is just genealogical art history.

(Andy) Okay, I mean, it's very exciting.

But, I mean, don't you find it

just ever so slightly pretentious?

Is it pretentious to call Judi Dench

Dame Judi Dench?

No.

I redid all of Rutherford's kindergarten applications,

and let me just say... it's good.

Adding the Von could really give the twins a leg up,

which, if you think about it...

Just think about it.

So I'm curious, during your research,

did you happen to stumble upon

where this Von Weber clan was during the 1930s and '40s?

You know, the tree gets a little fuzzy in that time period.

But a branch of the family did resurface in Argentina

in the '60s, which is cool.

(Jill) They're Nazis.

It explains everything.

They're not Nazis.

Look at the antlers on your family crest.

And did you see how they signaled for no bread?

We are not changing our name.

No, never, nyet.

Nyet is Russian.

I think you mean nein.

And, honey, just playing devil's advocate.

What about the kindergarten applications thing?

These schools do pop a boner over fancy lineage.

Oh, I still have a tsunami of applications to finish.

I know it's weird and unnecessary,

but they're my family.

We have to pick our battles.

And at the end of the day, sweetie,

it's three letters, right?

So could you just pretend to think about it?

Sure.

(Miles) Mommy, I'm scared!

Oh. That's the fourth night in a row.

What the hell?

Mommy!

Do you want me to go deal with it?

Nein, I'll go.

Everything has to be re-monogrammed.

The linens, all three china patterns,

The silver set, the flatware.

Oh, did you find any needy W families

who would appreciate that stuff?

I'd hate to just throw it all out.

Not yet, but I am still looking.

It's every bit as exciting as you said, Brookey!

I know!

Confession-- I always thought Weber

was a little ho-hum, kitchen sink.

That's because it was Americanized.

Oh, just think.

This baby will never have to live a day

as a non-Von.

Gay-men.

[doorbell rings]

Nicole, can you get that?

The kids are doing great.

Thank you for asking.

Dude, you want Nicole

to make you an espresso or a smoothie?

No, no, I'm good. Thanks.

It's not even 8:00. It's like Grand Central here.

I don't even notice anymore.

What's going on?

You need money?

Jesus.

Could you please not get all dick-swingy on me?

Even if I did need money, I wouldn't ask you.

Why not?

I'd do anything for you.

You know how much money you've loaned me over the years?

$6,300 for your dorm-brewed beer business at Dartmouth,

not to mention all the pro-bono legal help

I gave you when that kid nearly died drinking it.

He was such a faker.

He was on life support, Lex.

For, like, a day.

The rock.

Let's see what you got.

Splash.

Nice shot.

So are you guys actually gonna do this Von thing?

What's your problem with it?

Splash.

It just seems kind of douchey, don't you think?

It's our heritage.

Look alive.

Okay.

Here we go.

All right, well, I've been working a lot lately.

Just because some lackey at Ellis Island

was too lazy to put the letters V-O-N

on our ancestors' papers,

why should our children and our grandchildren

be deprived of their cultural identity?

Plus, it sounds badass.

(woman) There is a fast-spreading wave of overconsumption

ignited by the nouveau riche

and colored by our children with a gilded confusion

between mass and class.

Let me get this straight.

This is like a club for descendants of Euro nobility?

No portfolio can buy heritage.

Brooke and Candace jumped

at the chance to join, of course.

Now they want me to experience it

while we're considering Von-ification.

Thank you for coming.

Sometimes I just need a witness.

Please, you had me at "free food and open bar."

And one can't buy a transfusion of blue blood.

I'd rather eat my spleen.

Let's go.

[Jill crunching]

Try the shrimp. It's amazing.

Okay, I'm dying to hear about the new guy.

What's his name, again?

Timothy. We had drinks at The Standard.

- Love. - He's into bird watching.

Weird.

He's also a big baseball fanatic.

- Snooze-a-roonie. - Oh, and this is sad.

His parents died in a plane crash when he was 12.

He's an orphan?

Wait. That's fantastic!

A guy without parents is a deal-maker.

Marry that guy.

Crack out the ketubah.

I'm not getting married again.

I might not even sleep with him.

Maybe just dinner and a little hand stuff.

Okay, yum.

I'm totally reconsidering this whole Von thing.

You should do it.

Candace, Brooke, and Lex

would have a simultaneous orgasm if we agreed.

Hi, guys.

Hi!

Ugh, I have to pee again.

God, I hate being pregnant. I'm Chris Christie.

[sighs] How exciting is this, huh?

Gianni del Bianco is the most exclusive spa in Europe.

Even I couldn't get an appointment

in one of my last trips to Rome.

(Vanessa) That's an outrage.

I hope you told the Pope.

They're offering us-- sorry, Vanessa--

a day of beauty at their first location in the States.

Candace and I are booked for next Monday,

and you are coming with.

Oh, that's so nice.

But I can't even think about next Monday or anything

until I get the twins' school applications in the mail.

Jill, you're not seriously putting

your children's futures in the hands

of the U.S. Postal Service, are you?

Nicole is hand-delivering all of Rutherford's applications,

and I'd be happy to have her do that for you.

That's so sweet, but it's okay.

I say this with love.

But, um...

you're starting to look a bit late-30s.

Just from above the neck.

Well, I'm 39.

The neck too.

You deserve some pampering.

I'm gonna have Nicole call you, okay?

(Brooke) Tootles.

For Brooke, that was really nice.

A little too nice.

Why do I feel like Adrianna from The Sopranos

right before she got whacked?

Well, if you don't go, I will.

I've read about that stem-cell facial

in the New York Times,

and it sounds "ridic."

[cell phone chimes] - Ooh, it's Timothy.

- Do you mind? - Not at all.

Lock that orphan down.

You wouldn't have in-laws.

Lock that Von down.

I want to come back here with a bigger purse.

(Jill) Hmm...

[cell phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

Have not had coffee yet. Sorry in advance.

So how was date three with the orphan?

Are you engaged yet?

Uh... maybe the opposite.

We took a romantic trip to Bone Town,

and I just woke up.

Gone.

He just left?

- Who does that? - Me, usually.

I've thrown myself down trash chutes

to avoid the morning after.

What's up with you?

Okay, it's D-Day.

Kindergarten applications are due.

And don't laugh,

but I'm really torn about this Von thing.

Brooke is sending one of her nannies over

to pick up my applications any minute.

- What do I do? - What does Andy say?

You know him.

He just wants to please his family.

He even printed out another set of applications

and filled them out with "Von Weber"

to try to change my mind.

But every time I reach for that pile,

I feel like I'm joining the Aryan Nation.

Who's crazy this time, them or me?

Usually it's pretty clear-cut,

but, oof, that raw bar is clouding my judgment.

[knock at door]

That's weird.

Jill, I'll call you back.

Timothy!

Hey, you.

What's happening?

I'm making us breakfast.

What did you think was happening?

I make a mean Spanish omelet.

Wait. You didn't think I'd just take off

without saying good-bye?

I've heard that happens.

Oh, do you have a 12-inch cast iron?

Nonstick would work, but I like cast iron.

Better flavor.

[Jill's voice warbling]

Ahh! Oh, my God.

So, Jill, what happened this morning with Nicole?

She said you had a conflict.

Big-time.

Identity...

♪ crisis ♪

Oh, my God, that feels so good.

I'll spare you the details,

but I schlepped both piles of school applications up here,

Von and non-Von,

and I'm just gonna see where the day takes me.

[sighs]

Will you move in with me?

If she doesn't show up at work tomorrow,

she's chloroformed in my closet.

[laughter]

Jill, you're funny!

You're overthinking it.

It's only a name.

Well, a name that has already opened up many doors.

I just got a table at Danny Meyer's new taqueria,

after weeks of trying with no success.

My point is, this is just the beginning.

Oh, my God.

Jill!

You look young enough to still have your period.

Oh, my, she does look radiant.

I told you they're famous for their stem-cell facials.

It's illegal in most countries.

Can I see?

[sweeping mandolin music]

♪ ♪

(woman) I'm terribly sorry to bother you,

but there's a Nicole at the desk

asking for a package she's meant to pick up.

(Brooke) Jill.

Jill!

Tell her...

Jill Von Weber will be right there.

Thanks again.

That was the most action that this kitchen's ever had.

Oh.

Is it bad that I want to see you again really soon?

- Like, how soon? - I was thinking tonight.

Oh, look at you with no intimacy issues.

Sure. Text me later. I'll be at work.

One more.

Okay.

One more.

- Okay, but that's the last one. - Mm-hmm.

- For reals. - Okay.

I'm leaving.

- Bye. - Bye.

To Jill becoming a Von.

To Jill learning to luxuriate.

To Nicole, who's delivering 14 applications

while I beautify.

Vons really do have more fun.

[laughter]

So true.

Hilarious.

[laughs] Jill, you're a hoot.

Anyway, thank you so much for including me.

This is really such a treat.

We don't spend enough time together,

the three of us.

You know, the longer I live,

the more I realize how important it is...

to stay thin.

Yeah.

Oh, no bread!

I'm sorry. I thought you had bread.

Sorry.

Anyway, I can't believe that I still have

a hot-stone massage to look forward to after lunch.

[laughter]

What's going on?

You are not getting a hot-stone massage.

We got you a surprise treatment instead.

Seriously?

I don't like surprises when I know they're coming.

Don't worry.

Just relax and savor your new identity.

Okay.

By the way, I just told Andy the news.

I think he's in shock.

[laughs] Probably is.

I love being married, but next time around,

I'm definitely not changing my name.

(woman) Talk later.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't help but overhear.

I'm Andy, by the way.

Curious, why the regrets about changing your name?

Oh, my God, don't get me started.

Logistical nightmare.

My credit cards, bills, my passport, bank statements,

Facebook account, everything had to be changed.

Just last week, I couldn't get on to a flight

because my airline tickets

didn't match my driver's license.

I went berserk.

One of me is probably

on a terrorist watch list by now.

Ironically, I'm thinking of changing my name.

I was going to, but now...

Oh, don't listen to me.

You should totally go for it.

Same-sex marriage is, like,

the most important issue right now.

Are you guys hyphenating or doing a hybrid or...?

Uh...

Whatever. It doesn't matter. [phone ringing]

I just think it's so romantic

to share a name with someone you love.

Excuse me.

Hi. this is Tamra Slutsky.

Not as far as I know.

Is it a Reiki treatment?

Dead Sea salt scrub?

Oh, is it a reading by your psychic Ronaldo?

Honestly, I'm a skeptic dying to be converted.

Tell her, Brooke.

We thought it might be fun to try out some new looks.

Okay, what kind of new looks?

Just a few minor tweaks here and there,

starting with some caramel highlights.

But I like my hair the way it is.

Oh, trust us, Jill. You're very severe.

(Brooke) You could be so much prettier if you tried.

Like, so much prettier.

We just want to brighten up your look,

introduce you to bronzer.

Bronzer.

Think softening.

Think youth.

Think blood in the veins.

Thanks, but I think I'm gonna stick with my own thing.

Oh, sweetie, ever since the Hercules sale,

our family is in the spotlight.

Center stage.

You're in the wings, of course,

but if you can see them, they can see you.

And we want you to look your best.

You're a Von now.

Own it.

Okay.

Lucinda?

[cart creaking]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

Highlights.

Pastels.

(Brooke) Ladylike.

The sky.

- Lavender - Perfume.

Soft.

(Candace) Nonthreatening.

(Brooke) Girly, golden retrievers.

No.

- Pretty. - No.

Feminine.

Aah!

No, I-- This isn't happening!

Jill, calm yourself.

Look, I know you mean well.

I'm pretty sure you mean well.

But this is who I am.

And if you'll excuse me,

I have 14 non-Von applications to deliver.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Hello. Hi. Wonderful to be here.

I specifically hand-delivered these applications

'cause you're our first-choice school.

Save the boot-licking for my boss.

I'm just here to collect the applications.

Appreciate your honesty.

Cheers.

One down, 13 to go.

Aah!

but are you furious with me?

Oh, I don't know.

I might be able to forgive you,

with a little persuasion.

Oh, really?

What kind of persuasion, my tall,

handsome, aristocratic husband?

This kind.

(Miles) Mommy! I'm scared!

- What is wrong with him? - He needs to grow a pair.

(Miles) Mommy!

- Eff me hard. - Oh!

That's what I was trying to do.

Coming, honey!

- Damn. - Right?

Hey, where are you going?

Just the bathroom.

Oh, no, don't go.

Aw, you're cute.

Really, don't, okay?

Just, like, not yet.

Come back.

I will, in a sec.

I just have to pee and take my contacts out.

You go to sleep. I'll be right back.

Okay, but, like, really hurry back

and don't even wash your hands.

Um, it's okay.

I can go later.

Yeah, yeah. [pounds bed]

Yes, yeah, come here.

- Okay. - Come back.

- Come back. - Oh.

- Okay. - Oh.

- Okay. - Okay.

Well...

This is comfortable.

Hey, your timing is perfect.

I just got him to sleep.

(Vanessa) Oh, me too.

So here's the thing about this particular orphan.

He has abandonment issues, which would be fine

if I didn't have intimacy issues.

Define "abandonment issues."

Um, he cried when I said

I couldn't see him tomorrow night.

Okay, yeah, bye-bye.

Oh, so that selfie you sent after your day of beauty

was insane.

Your skin looked so young.

I had to hate you for a second.

Thanks, honey, but it's not happening again.

My in-laws might disown me

for rejecting their stupid heritage.

[groans]

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Good night, Miles.

Good night, stem-cell facials.

[laughs]

Good night, Candace thinking I'm a hoot.

Good night, Spanish omelets.

Good night, best sex I've had since Labor Day.

[groaning] No.

Oh, God. He's having a nightmare.

I got to go.

[Timothy muttering, Vanessa shushing]

(Timothy) I was at the store.

Good night, I love you.

No...

I haven't seen him.

Okay, he's gone.

No...

[phone beeping]

Hello. I'm wondering if, by chance,

you have a table for two tonight at 8:00?

Yeah, I figured.

Thanks, anyway, and congrats on the great review--