Original subtitles

Okay, everyone, I have exciting news!

Oh, no, not you guys. Just us.

Ooh, my bad for standing up.

Is this exciting news about me

or can I eat my burger while you tell it?

- It's Marjorie's news. - Burger it is.

Tell it.

Well, I found out today that I'm being honored

with a Napa Valley Community Hero Award.

Did all the firemen leave town?

What Bonnie means is, congratulations.

Well done.

- Is there a gala? - There is.

It's two weeks from Friday, and you can bring a date.

I've invited my son.

Jerry's coming?

- Mm-hmm. - Jerry?

Has that always been his name?

Yes.

Huh. You might want to rethink that.

Well, I will be there and so will Andy.

We get it. You're back together.

Geez, it's only been a couple months.

I couldn't have said Andy and I are back together that much.

- You did it again. - Sorry.

I'm just happy Andy and I are back together.

Back together, back together, back together.

Who nominated you?

I have no idea.

It wasn't me.

That's interesting.

No one else jumped in to deny it.

- It wasn't me. - Mm-hmm. Okay.

If anything, I think you get more credit than you deserve.

Mm.

Well, I've also been asked to select someone

to present me with the award,

and it seems only fitting

that the person who "didn't nominate me" do that.

It wasn't me.

- Wait a minute, onstage? - Yes.

- Do I give a speech? - Yeah.

- Is there a time limit? - I'll ask.

Don't bother. I'll ignore it anyway.

Hey. Everyone,

I have been asked to give a speech two weeks from Friday.

None of you are invited,

but I'm sure, much like my rant at the DMV,

it'll find its way onto the Internet.

But, seriously, it wasn't me.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --

Ouch.

Oh, hey, babe. How was work?

Good. Didn't think you'd still be up.

Have you ever watched these Dean Martin roasts?

N-Not at 3:00 in the morning

or in the last 40 years.Well...

I need joke ideas for my speech about Marjorie.

And the beauty is no one can sue me 'cause they're all dead.

Wait, I thought you were just supposed to introduce her.

Yeah, that's the mistake anyone else would make.

Marjorie is going to give the most boring speech ever,

and if I don't goose things up,

everyone's gonna be face-down in their crème brûlée.

Ooh, that's good.

I don't know, Bonnie.

She's gonna love it. No one has a better sense of humor

about themselves than Marjorie.

Why else would she dress like that?

Oh, my God!

This introduction is writing itself.

Listen to this.

"Marjorie's so old, this award better come

with a case of Ensure."

Wow.

Right? And... Oh.

"Marjorie is so boring, her favorite ice cream flavor

is Al Gore."

Geez, will there be any kids with diseases there

- that you can pick on? - I'm not sure. Fingers crossed.

But ten bucks they tap me to host the next one.

Okay, but I want to go on record that I think this is a bad idea.

Yeah, well, your face makes onions cry.

Yeah. That's Don Rickles zetzing you from the grave.

Check it out, Napa!

In your face!

She does this every time she's in a limo.

Never bring her to a funeral.

Hope she doesn't take another bird to the face again.

Adam, have another drink. It's free.

I'm still working on my first one.

Amateur.

Hey. Ooh! Hey.

- Ooh, this is fancy. - Hey.

- You look beautiful! - Thank you.

This is fancy.

Wow, I've never been in a limo before.

Oh! I want to stick my head out the skylight

like they do in the movies.

Absolutely.

Amateur.

Mm.

I thought you said your son was coming.

He's meeting me there. Where's Andy?

- Ugh, we've already heard this story. - He had to work.

So sorry you had to suffer through that twice.

Would you folks like some music?

Oh, no, thank you.

Okay. Let me know if you need anything.

Whoa. He's really cute.

Is it too late to add him as a plus-one?

He's already wearing black tie.

Clayton, we'd like

to drive with the divider down, please.

You're welcome.

So how do you park this bad boy?

Very carefully.

Very carefully.

Yeah, I'm gonna jump out to make room for Wendy.

No, there's plenty of room back...

Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

- Hi! Ooh... - Ooh!

Wow. That's a... great dress.

I mean, you look very intelligent.

What-what am I allowed to say?

I-I'll take that second drink.

It's my first time wearing a strapless.

Good for you.

I've always wanted to wear one of those,

but I'm too afraid it'll fall down

and I'll end up exposing myself, you know?

Not on purpose, like I used to.

I never thought of that.

And now you won't be able to stop.

- Okay if I join you in the cockpit? - Sure.

So, you got a date for this thing?

I do not.

Do you have a date for...

life stuff?

I do not.

Oh, this is good stuff.

I feel sorry for whoever has to follow me.

It's Marjorie.

Oh, right. Well, good luck, Marj.

This food is off-the-charts delicious.

Well, don't fill up, 'cause there's still dinner.

There's dinner?

I feel like I'm on Dynasty.

Just hope it's better than the mini quiche,

which is not agreeing with me.

I'm gonna go bring some food out to Clayton.

He's probably really sexy... I mean, hungry.

Shut up.

Hey, stop messing with it.

You're gonna stretch it out.

Okay, but if I have a nip slip, let me know.

I'm on it.

I'm not on it.

I'm just eye level.

So it'd be easy for me

to be on it, but I'm not on it.

Still no word from your son, whose name is...

Lorenzo?

It's Jerry.

And no.

I guess he's not coming.

Of course he is.

He's probably just running late.

- No. He's punishing me. - For what?

For all the things I missed in his life.

Hey, maybe he got in a terrible car accident

and maybe that's why he can't be here, because he's trapped.

Alive and fine but trapped.

Why am I worried about your speech?

Clearly, you can read a room.

How you holding up, hero?

You nervous?

I'm fine.

I loved the kindergarten choir.

Ugh. Whoever made them sing "Man in the Mirror" is going to hell.

Where have you been? You missed the salad.

I was flirting with a man

for the first time in a year.

Screw the salad.

It had strawberry dressing.

Damn it, these people really know what they're doing.

Jill, honey, are you okay?

I'm fine.

If you don't feel well, you can go home.

Oh, this is your special night.

I'm gonna suffer through it.

Did you get the steak or the fish?

I got the steak, 'cause it has that Gorgonzola sauce.

I really hope they don't overcook it.

I want to see blood on the plate.

Super proud of you, Marjorie.

I'll be in the bathroom.

- I'm gonna go make sure she's okay. - No, no, no,

you're being honored. I'll go.

If she got the steak, save it for Clayton.

Shut up.

How you doing, Jill?

I'm on the bathroom floor in a $3,000 dress,

so not good.

Well, maybe you should go home.

I can't miss Marjorie's night.

She'll understand.

And I don't want to puke in Clayton's limo.

We appreciate that.

Oh. I'm already saying "we."

Do you think it's too soon?

You can get married at my house

if you just get me a toothbrush and some Pepto Bismol.

I'm not really a marriage person.

I could see living with him though.

Get a dog, some matching pajamas...

- Ugh, just go. - Oh. Sorry.

I will say, he's taller than me,

so if we did get married, I could wear heels!

- Tammy! - Yeah, I'm going, I'm going.

Oh, my. I am so deeply moved...

A little full of herself for a nun.

But did you hear how the priest introduced her?

Serious, emotional, not a lot of jokes.

Yeah, and like church, everybody's drinking wine

- and praying for it to be over. - Thank you so much.

Beautiful words, Sister.

Who knew so much love could come from such a tiny package?

Wendy! Wendy! Nip slip. Full boob.

- You're naked. - Oh, God!

I'm gonna check on her.

You-you can't leave. Your award is up any minute.

- I'll be right back. - But-but you're gonna miss my moment.

- Her moment. - Um, your moment!

Scuse me, it's my moment.

Why didn't you use boob tape?

There's boob tape?

Okay, I got you Pepto,

ginger ale, a toothbrush.

Oops, that's Clayton's number.

That's for me.

And just for funsies, one of these.

A pregnancy test? There's no way.

- Have you slept with Andy? - Nonstop.

Then there's a way.

How you doing, honey?

I don't think anybody saw.

One of the kindergarteners spit out his lollipop.

He'll repress it.

And now,

to introduce our next recipient,

please welcome Bonnie Plunkett.

What do I do? She's not here.

W-Walk slowly.

Mm.

Mmm.

Bring it in, Sister.

Oh.

Just gonna grab one of those. Mm.

Jill, how are you doing, honey?

Tammy thinks I might be pregnant.

It was actually Clayton's idea.

He has three sisters.

I hope they like me.

I mean, what if I'm not?

There's nothing I want more,

and I can't take that disappointment.

But then what if I am?

Andy and I just got back together.

What if he totally freaks out?

Or what if he gets totally excited about it

and then something bad happens?

I mean, I've had a miscarriage before.

- It could happen again. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's just stay in the present.

Honey, I know you're scared,

but whatever happens, you're not gonna have to face it alone.

We're all here.

Thank you.

But aren't you supposed to be out there?

Mm-mm. I'm supposed to be right here.

Now go pee on that stick.

Oh. Look at you.

You're all heroes.

Give yourself a round of applause.

And how 'bout those centerpieces?

Huh?

Someone said we could take them home.

I don't know if that's true, but if we time it right,

they can't catch us all.

Look, I-I spent a lot of time

preparing, uh, this introduction for my friend Marjorie,

but she's not even here because she's in the bathroom

because our friends are having a hard night.

Which is... exactly why you're giving her this award,

because that's who she is.

That really is who she is.

She's humble,

generous,

selfless.

When I first met Marjorie...

... I was at the lowest point in my life.

And if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't...

I wouldn't be here... tonight.

And I-I don't mean here. I mean...

... here.

And what do I do?

Oh, my God, I tease her.

I-I roll my eyes when she gives me advice.

I-I...

push her away constantly.

I don't make it easy on her, but she never gives up on me.

She's like the mother I never had.

Hmm.

Well, I had planned

to... close with a joke about her age,

but...

I don't want to 'cause I love her so much.

I'm available to host next year.

I just told 200 people that I love you,

and if you don't believe me, ask the nun. They can't lie.

Oh, honey.

This moment really isn't about me.

- It's not? But when is it your turn? - Mm-mm.

15 seconds.

Well, that's weirdly specific, but okay.

I just took a pregnancy test.

And life possibly changing

- in five, four, three... - Don't do that voice.

Roger that.

Are you ready?

- Let's do it together. - Okay.

It's a pink line.

What does that mean?

I never operated one of these.

Every brand is different. Get the pamphlet.

- I spit my gum in it. - God.

Why didn't you get the one that says "pregnant/not pregnant"?

I got the one the pharmacist recommended.

He was cute, too. I'm having, like, a hot night.

Okay. Okay, we got the box. We got the box.

Okay, I didn't bring my readers.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, God.

Oh, Jill.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

Yeah, doesn't look like you're gonna get your moment.

Thank you for joining us...

No, you're right.

It's all about the wide turn. That's the trick.

The rest is just pretending you can't hear through the divider.

But you can hear.

Oh, you can hear.

I knew it!

That concludes

the Napa Valley Community Hero Awards.

- Wait! - Drive safely, everybody.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- What are you doing? - Now is your moment. Come on.

Give me that.

All right, here's the woman I was telling you about.

The one who saved my life.

- Okay, I wouldn't go that far. - Stop it already.

Everyone, on your feet. Wendy, slowly.

Thank you, Bonnie.

Oh, it feels

weird to get an award for just showing up for people

the same way others did for me.

And...

Oh, but I'm grateful for the life that I have

and those I get to share it with.

My friends and all the people at my table.

Jerry. Oh! Oh, I didn't think you were coming.

Sorry. I had a flat tire and no cell service.

Are you okay?

Not right now 'cause everyone's looking at me.

I didn't think you wanted to be here.

Are you kidding? Of course I want to be here, Mom.

I nominated you.

You... you did?

Oh, boy.

Oh, then this means everything to me.

Hello?

Hey.

Andy, what are you doing here?

Bonnie texted me and said you weren't feeling well.

Well, thank you, Bonnie.

No one else is in here, right?

I don't want to have to arrest myself.

It's all clear.

So, what's going on?

Did you eat something that didn't agree with you?

You got a fever?

Need to go to the hospital?

Um, maybe in, like, seven or eight months.

I don't follow.

I'm pregnant.

Oh.

If you want to be a part of it, that's great,

but if you don't, I totally understand.

It's just that this is something I've really wanted

- in my life, and... - I'm so happy. Oh!

Really?

Really. Hey, did I ever tell you I was a 14-pound baby?

Most of that was my head.

Oh, I'm so happy.

I thought you said everyone was gonna grab one of these.

You said, "Run! We're all behind you."

I say a lot of things.

You'll get used to it, Lorenzo.

How is it that I'm craving something called a chalupa

when I've never even had something called a chalupa?

'Cause it's my baby.

I'm gonna teach you everything I know

about regional Mexican cuisine.

I am sorry I made you miss Bonnie's speech.

It was incredibly moving, and no one was more surprised than me.

Adam didn't think my original speech was appropriate,

but I know you have a good sense of humor.

Sounds like you had some real zingers. Lay 'em on me.

Marjorie's so old, her prom date was Methuselah.

Ah, I'm so old I'm the only one who knows who Methuselah is.

Oh. I'm gonna be a dad!

Sorry. Everyone in here already knows,

and I had to tell someone.

Oh!

Hey, Clayton, take it easy up there.

- Too wide? - Uh, we'll get there.

Oh.

That was just to get them back into place.

Oh... right.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --