Original subtitles

BOW: Growing up, my grandfather was a perpetual bachelor.

He ran through ladies so fast,

we only knew them as "Sacramento Stewardess"

and "Pennysaver Print Model."

So my dad never got attached to the women

my granddad was dating.

I feel like this is the only place we ever go.

Yeah, maybe next time let's mix it up

and maybe go some place where they don't repurpose

old garlic sticks for croutons.

Hold up. Is that your dad?

Does he have a girlfriend?

No.

[Laughter]

Ah.

I don't know, hon. Looks pretty serious.

SANTAMONICA: He could do so much better.

Who does she think she's fooling with those press-on nails?

[Sighs]

? In the mix ?

? Oh, oh, oh, they keep trying ?

? But they can't stop us ?

? 'Cause we got a love ?

? That keeps rising up ?

? In the mix ?

? Life turns around ?

? 'Round and 'round it goes ?

? Ooh, it's a mixed-up world ? ? Ooh, it's a mixed-up ?

? And that's for sure ? ? Mixed-up ?

? In the mix ? ? Baby ?

? We're gonna get by ?

? We're gonna ? ? On our own, side by side ?

? Love's all we need to be free ? ? Lo-o-o-ve is all ?

? I got you, you got me ?

? Yaaaaay us! ?

? I-I-In the mix ?

? Yaaaaay us! ?

? I-I-In the mix-ish ?

ALICIA: I've never seen him on a date before.

This is like seeing Bigfoot order a medium pepperoni.

What's everyone looking at?

I left my glasses in the car.

I bet it's serious because I met all my boyfriends here.

This is the most romantic place ever.

MAN: Whoever's puking in the whack-a-mole machine,

- please stop. - [Paul chuckles] Romantic.

Well, that's an interesting way to describe

a millionaire and a blonde at a dollar-a-slice pizza joint.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

Should we go over and try to say hello?

Maybe send over some mozzarella sticks.

No, we should go someplace else.

What?! No. I love it here.

No, you don't. You just dissed the salad bar.

I'm too young to be held accountable for anything I say.

Well, if we're staying, I'm sending over mozzarella sticks.

- Help him seal the deal. - No.

- What about a carafe of Diet Coke? - Stop it.

- A pitcher of mediocre light beer? - Alicia.

[Harrison clears throat]

We were gonna pretend not to notice you,

but you made that impossible.

Everyone, this is Georgia.

Georgia.

Of course.

- Nice to meet you all. - SANTAMONICA: What's your story, woman?

Because you should know, I don't have a moral compass.

And you wonder why people think you have a White mom.

Sorry, she's not usually like this.

Why don't you join us?

We can pull up another chair

and get to know each other over mozzarella sticks.

- Honey, let it go. - Yep.

Well, we said hello. Now it's time for us to go.

Nice to meet you.

She didn't mean that.

She smells nice. Was she pretty?

ALICIA: Oh, baby.

Wouldn't it be nice if there was a place

you could go to drink coffee and sit and relax,

listening to smooth jazz?

Sounds like people would just go there to use the bathroom.

[Door opens, closes]

Bow-Bow, is everything all right?

Yeah, Mom, everything's fine.

Aunt Dee-Dee, can I talk to you?

I got a problem.

Is it about your piggy bank?

Because I'm sure the person who smashed it

and took all your money will pay you back once her horse wins.

- No, but thanks. - Hmm.

Anyways, I wore my airbrushed jeans to school,

and Tamika said they were busted.

Are they busted?

No!

Oh.

They're hot, right?

Oh, girl!

No, it is not hot.

But you can't tell Tamika that.

Act like it's the greatest thing you've ever worn,

then tell her someone stole them during gym class.

That's a great idea.

You always give the best advice.

??

- You always give the best advice? - Mm-hmm.

How often are they coming to you with this kind of thing?

Not that much. Just three or four times a day.

I'm good at helping them with their little problems.

Mm. What kind of problems?

Everything from homework to how close to midnight

can you feed a gremlin.

The answer is... do not feed them.

Leave dirty furry pets for the White people.

So they basically come to you for everything.

Oh, no. Not for money.

Not Aunt Dee-Dee.

I don't love them that much.

??

HARRISON: Hey.

Ah, how did the rest of the night go with Georgia?

She seems charming.

Yeah. During dinner, she asked for the manager four times.

She made our waiter quit.

But... ah.

But that's what I like about her.

She knows what she wants. It's attractive.

Really?

Well, she's different.

I mean, when I'm with her, I stop thinking about it

as hours I'm not billing clients.

It's like I lose all track of time.

I don't even think of her as a woman I'm dating.

I think of her as an expensive asset

that needs cultivation and attention and just...

[Laughs]

Look at me.

I'm gushing.

Wow.

I haven't seen you this genuinely interested

in someone since Mom left.

- Yeah. - Well, wait.

If you like her so much, why'd you take her to a place

that gives out free food for good report cards?

It's a thing I do, to make sure that when I'm dating someone,

they're with me for me and not for my money.

Look, it's very easy to fall in love with all of this.

So I gotta dirty myself up a little

so I don't look too good to be true.

Dad, if you really like her,

you probably shouldn't play games with her like this.

I mean, how many good relationships

start off with a lie?

Eh.

Well, you may be right, son.

A woman like that deserves the truth.

Besides, it's all gonna come out at some point anyway, right?

I mean, do I look like a guy who doesn't own

a cigar collection worth more than this house?

Come on.

Who am I gonna fool?

[Laughs] Once upon a time,

there was a beautiful Queen Denise

who was as humble as she was stunning.

You do the best stories, Aunt Denise.

Oh!

You know who also has good stories?

- Oh, oh, oh. - Excuse me.

Oh, my.

Mommy does.

I am gonna tell you a story of Princess... Pillow

and her trusty Knight...

Glass of Water.

Mm-hmm.

Princess Pillow was a soft

and fluffy pillow princess who was colorful and...

Mom, Mom, it worked. I'm asleep.

[Fake snoring]

I'm not... I'm not done yet.

Really?

- [Snoring] - Really?

I am so sorry.

Put me to sleep too.

Just wait.

So Princess Pillow...

Oh!

While my mom wasn't being honest

about how she felt left out,

my grandfather decided to stop lying.

He had Georgia on his mind.

So...

why are we meeting in a law firm, huh?

This better not be a green card thing

because I am not gonna marry another Irish immigrant.

I just wanted to tell you the truth.

Brace yourself.

I'm not poor.

In fact, I'm probably

the richest person you've ever met.

Oh.

And I was afraid to tell you this

because I wanted to know for certain

that you liked me for me and not my money,

which I have a lot of. [Laughs]

So, you want to grab lunch at a decent restaurant,

or do you need a moment to compose yourself?

Wow, Harrison, I don't really know what to say

except, uh...

[Chuckles] I'm just so relieved.

I know. It's like winning the lotto, right?

Well, in a way, yes.

Now I don't have to worry about you

disliking me for my money.

- Your money? - Mm-hmm.

I own three of the high rises downtown.

You would be so surprised

how many men are intimidated by that.

Ah!

Ah, s... a man being intimidated by a woman?

In any way?

[Chuckles] Wimps.

[Laughs]

My grandfather was one of those men.

[Laughs]

Yeah.

Welp...

Georgia is richer than me.

That's what I get for trying to date a woman

who's old enough to rent a car.

Georgia's got more money than you?

Okay.

I think it's great that you're dating someone

on your own level.

Doesn't sound so great to me.

Whoever makes the most money is the shot caller.

Exactly. Which movie are we gonna go see?

Where are we gonna eat?

What big game are we gonna hunt?

I don't want her telling me that we're on a giraffe hunt.

I'm a rhino guy.

It's only money, Dad.

You know who says that? People who don't have money.

That's like the little guy from "Fantasy Island"

saying it's only height.

You know what this is?

You're scared.

[Scoffs] I am not.

Why else would you run away from a beautiful

and talented woman who's into you?

No, you're a scared little goat.

[Bleating]

Yeah, my dad, the scared little goat.

[Bleating]

This is the whitest trash-talking I've ever seen.

It's a commune thing. Goats frighten easily.

They usually just pass out,

so I don't know what the noise is about.

- [Bleating continues] - All right, enough, enough.

You're right.

[Sighs]

Maybe I should just see what happens if I stick with it.

- Good for you. - This will be our third date,

the first one not at a fast food chain.

I don't know. This is getting dangerously close

to a relationship.

Yeah, but see, that's nothing to be afraid of.

Look, Dad, I've been watching you date my entire life,

and the way that you go about it

is not good for something more serious.

I was voted Most Respectful in high school.

Let me teach you.

Just what he needs, dating advice

from a man who just imitated a damn goat.

- Hmm? - Damn right.

??

Hey, Mom, have you seen Aunt Denise?

I told all the kids at school I was a neon black belt,

and I was hoping she could teach me

how to fake my way through it.

You don't need Denise for that.

Let me teach you.

I make grown men cry in the courtroom.

How hard could this be?

Come on.

Let momma show you.

??

Okay, let's begin.

Martial arts is about finding balance.

Like this.

??

Like this?

Exactly.

All you have to do is find your center.

Slow down, and that will impress them.

Okay. I think I'm getting this.

I feel like this is gonna work.

While slowing things down allowed my mother

to feel connected to her child,

my father sat down to teach my grandfather

about relationships.

I'm glad you're coming to me to take this step

because after 17 years of marriage,

I've learned what it takes to make

a long-term relationship work.

And what do you think that is?

- Sex. - No, it is not.

Not that it's not that, but that's not what I'm talking about.

You're not talking about "trust," are you?

Why do you say it like that?

It is "trust."

No, what I'm talking about is vulnerability.

Honesty.

Allowing the other person

to see the real you and all your flaws.

All right, Dad, let's... let's try something here.

- Pretend I'm Georgia. - [Scoffs]

We're on a date.

We're having dinner.

How would you open up to me?

I'd talk about how we should hurry up and eat dinner

because dessert is what I paid for.

No, Dad, that is not what you would do

because you like this woman.

Come on.

Let's get deep.

I really need you to dig in there.

[Sighs]

Okay. Here's something I would say.

Every time I watch the movie "Back to the Future," I cry

because it's really about a father and a son getting closer.

You go.

My son was in a cult for 15 years,

and I was so embarrassed that I told everybody he was dead.

But I missed him either way.

Okay.

Yeah, see, th-th-that honesty is what creates bonds.

Yeah, you just go into your date unafraid

to talk about how you really feel.

Okay, yeah.

This may work.

What did you tell people I died of?

Syphilis.

God.

Hi-ya!

Hi-ya!

Well done, Johan-san.

But make those chucks fast and messy.

Nobody's impressed by a graceful chucker.

- Come on, go, go. - Wait, Johan, what are you doing?

Didn't you learn everything you needed to from me?

Not at all.

And besides, purse chucking is cool.

It's a purse-based martial arts I'm developing.

But at my school, you get belts you want to wear.

I'm a Ferragamo.

Well, I guess the kids don't need me then.

I'll just be the person who brings them dinner

and... you can fold your own laundry.

Come on, let's get back into it.

Come on, you're not a little kid.

You're a man!

So while Johan was "learning" from my aunt,

Grandad Harrison tried to take my dad's lessons to heart.

Well, they didn't have whack-a-mole,

but I thought the steak was pretty good.

Yeah, and my family can't afford this place,

so our chances of getting interrupted are slim.

Will you guys be needing anything else?

Nope. Just the check.

Mm.

Here, I'll take care of it.

Hey, if I had a lady pay for me,

I'd be stoked.

[Thudding]

[Echoing] Lady pay for me...

Lady pay for me...

Lady pay for me...

[Laughter]

??

You've got this.

Her paying the check doesn't mean anything.

Just be vulnerable.

[Ding!]

Harrison?

Harrison.

[Laughs]

- Is everything all right? - Uh, uh... yeah.

Yeah, everything's great.

Mm.

You know, actually, uh, to be honest,

I did have a little bit of a freakout right then

when you paid the check.

Really?

But I'm not afraid to be able to tell you the truth.

'Cause I think you're special

and I want to be vulnerable with you.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

You have been vulnerable with me all night.

About your feelings, your dreams, and your regrets.

And, um, it's a big turnoff.

I just want to have fun.

Oh, this is why I usually date younger men.

What are you saying?

Thanks a lot.

She dumped me.

- She dumped you? - Yes, and I came here

to tell you how terrible your advice was

in the hopes that it would make me feel better,

but it's not helping.

That's not doing it either.

When I told Georgia about my feelings, she bailed.

I had it right when I was just running around,

telling chicks that I can't call them back

because I'm about to spend a month on America's Moonbase.

America doesn't have a Moonbase.

They don't know that.

Oh, D-Dad, come on.

I've seen you do more for Georgia

than I've seen you do for any other woman.

I mean, you... you participated

in that role-playing exercise we did.

If you ever mention that to anyone,

I swear to God, I'm gon...

I know, I know.

But the fact that you were willing to do that

shows that you're ready to try having a real relationship.

You've grown.

Eh, maybe I have.

A little.

But when you open up like that,

you are just asking to get kicked in the crotch, you know?

O-O-Of course.

But if you never open up,

no one will ever know that you're more

than just a man with money.

And you are more than just a man with money.

Maybe you're right.

Dad, I'm sorry it didn't work out.

But I feel that the next time you meet somebody special,

you'll be ready.

I'm gonna go graffiti one of Georgia's buildings.

Need help?

Yeah, grab some paint.

??

[Sighs]

What are you doing?

Oh, you know, just putting together

a six-course meal for my kids because I love them so much.

It's a Tuesday.

Oh, I guess an aunt would only whip up

something special on a holiday.

But a mother loves her kids enough

to make a meal that won't be ready for another four hours.

Okay. Before I confront you on this,

put down the knife.

- [Sighs] - Have you lost your mind?

I just feel so useless.

The kids used to come to me for everything.

I answered all their questions, gave them all advice.

And every time they were about to get hurt,

they would say, "Hey, Mom, watch this."

And if I wasn't around, they would wait until I was looking

and then hurt themselves.

But now I don't know who they're hurting themselves in front of.

- Do you hear yourself? - [Sighs]

It's just when I see the Band-Aids,

I think, "Who kissed the boo-boo?"

Oh, girl, what's happening with you is natural.

On some level, you're the enemy now.

"The ruiner of fun."

"Ruiner of fun"?

Their words, not mine.

But come on, you remember how it was with Mama.

We stopped coming to her with every little thing,

but we still came to her for the big things,

like first kisses and big breakups

and getting banned from Mervyn's for shoplifting.

- What? - Mama never told you?

- Unh-unh. - Look.

I know your kids getting older isn't easy.

But no one,

not even someone as amazing as me,

is going to replace you.

Thanks, Dee.

Do they really call me "the ruiner of fun"?

They didn't say it as much as they have a song about it.

Uh, it could be about anybody, though.

Probably Paul.

- [Laughs] - Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

[Laughs]

In 1987, I got to see the adults

in my life grow and change.

Oh, hey. You just missed dinner.

Got here just in time.

And you are...?

- This is Mindy. - Hey.

Uh, what's your story?

I don't have a story.

I should get a story.

Okay. We can be friends.

? When the going gets tough ?

My mother realized that

even though her role was different...

Mom?

I need your help with something.

...there would always be a place for her.

Tamika keeps going after my jeans, and I want to sue.

Uh, you can't afford me.

? The tough get going ?

But I'll sit and hear your case.

? Whoa, whoa ?

And Dad learned he could give his father advice.

You're going back to your old ways, huh?

No, no, I introduced her as Mindy.

I'm pretty sure that's her real name.

Hey.

[Clears throat]

Thanks.

For pushing me a little bit.

Of course, Dad.

[Door opens]

DENISE: Hold up.

- Were you two about to cry? - What? No.

[Voice breaking] No.

Also, there's a weird woman

stealing a bunch of stuff upstairs.

Cindy, time to go to Pizza Palace!

DENISE: Introducing Denise Johnson's

Accessory to Self-Defense.

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everyday objects on your person to protect yourself.

Learn my specially developed techniques

like Purse-Jitsu!

Ninja Heel.

No!

Whoop-Ass Belt!

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

And it's fun for the whole family.

??

So call this number

and order Denise Johnson's Accessory to Self-Defense.

Act now, and I'll throw in a pair of boomerang bracelets.

??

You doing good, kids.