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1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:05,001
Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
2
00:00:17,682 --> 00:00:19,786
Hello?
3
00:00:19,818 --> 00:00:22,088
Hello, what is this,
am I blind?
4
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,555
There aren't any lights.
5
00:00:23,588 --> 00:00:25,390
- Eric?
- I'm here.
6
00:00:25,423 --> 00:00:26,692
What is this, where are we?
7
00:00:26,725 --> 00:00:29,629
I don't fucking know, dude.
8
00:00:29,661 --> 00:00:31,263
- Sean?
- Yeah?
9
00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:34,767
- It smells like doo-doo.
- What?
10
00:00:34,799 --> 00:00:36,201
What is this?
11
00:00:36,234 --> 00:00:38,336
Why... why the heck
are we tied up?
12
00:00:38,369 --> 00:00:40,640
I don't know, man,
it's like an interrogation room.
13
00:00:40,673 --> 00:00:42,207
Something you see
out of a movie.
14
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:43,775
What are we,
the stars of Hostel III?
15
00:00:43,808 --> 00:00:45,510
- There's already a Hostel III.
- What?
16
00:00:45,543 --> 00:00:47,245
There's already a Hostel III.
17
00:00:47,279 --> 00:00:49,082
We would be the stars
of Hostel IV.
18
00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:50,349
Are you serious?
19
00:00:50,381 --> 00:00:51,516
Yeah, yeah, man, yeah.
20
00:00:51,549 --> 00:00:52,717
Went straight to Netflix
or something.
21
00:00:52,750 --> 00:00:53,585
You know, I never saw it.
22
00:00:53,618 --> 00:00:55,454
I miss the days of going
to a video store
23
00:00:55,487 --> 00:00:57,089
and getting so pumped
to pick out a movie.
24
00:00:57,122 --> 00:00:58,490
I mean, are you seriously
freaking talking
25
00:00:58,524 --> 00:01:00,093
about Hostel IV?
Why are we here?
26
00:01:00,125 --> 00:01:01,626
- Why does it smell like poop?
- I don't know, man.
27
00:01:01,659 --> 00:01:04,129
I didn't do anything.
Who would do this?
28
00:01:04,162 --> 00:01:05,497
Oh, shit.
29
00:01:05,531 --> 00:01:07,233
- What?
- Nothing, I, uh,
30
00:01:07,266 --> 00:01:08,734
I'm just thinking
about what I could've done
31
00:01:08,766 --> 00:01:09,801
or who would've put us here...
32
00:01:09,834 --> 00:01:12,104
- Just say it, Eric.
- I recently caught our neighbor
33
00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:14,140
getting dressed by her window
and I kinda watched.
34
00:01:14,173 --> 00:01:15,073
Seriously? Sinner!
35
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:16,008
I didn't do anything else,
I promise.
36
00:01:16,042 --> 00:01:18,144
- Sinner!
- Screw you, like you're perfect.
37
00:01:18,177 --> 00:01:20,179
No, I mean, listen,
I download movies sometimes,
38
00:01:20,212 --> 00:01:21,581
but who would lock me
in some basement?
39
00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:23,649
Right, of course,
of course this is you.
40
00:01:23,682 --> 00:01:26,751
I-I-I-I knew, I knew
you would somehow screw this up.
41
00:01:26,784 --> 00:01:29,287
This is totally you, you're
the reason we're kidnapped.
42
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,323
Me? You are
the rear-view window pervert.
43
00:01:31,356 --> 00:01:32,457
- This is not my fault.
- Oh, yeah, right,
44
00:01:32,490 --> 00:01:33,659
like last time
it wasn't your fault.
45
00:01:33,691 --> 00:01:34,926
- Everything you touch gets...
- Listen, that was different.
46
00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:38,563
I'm a freaking stay-at-home dad
now, who would do this to me?
47
00:01:42,534 --> 00:01:45,370
Hey there, boys.
48
00:02:07,325 --> 00:02:10,162
Oh, okay, you're recording.
49
00:02:10,195 --> 00:02:12,365
Sure, um, uh,
50
00:02:12,397 --> 00:02:14,700
Sean, do you want
to answer this?
51
00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:19,405
How did it happen?
52
00:02:19,437 --> 00:02:22,307
That's... that's
a very good question.
53
00:02:22,341 --> 00:02:23,709
Where do you want
to take it from?
54
00:02:23,741 --> 00:02:26,645
I guess it... started
with an idea.
55
00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:29,414
- Before that.
- A wedding?
56
00:02:29,448 --> 00:02:30,650
Which I know
sounds strange.
57
00:02:30,682 --> 00:02:32,518
Yeah, but before
all the explosions
58
00:02:32,550 --> 00:02:33,518
and the torture...
59
00:02:33,551 --> 00:02:34,620
Sean and I met
at a wedding.
60
00:02:34,652 --> 00:02:35,854
- David Jacobi.
- Prick.
61
00:02:35,888 --> 00:02:37,590
He's... he's a total prick.
62
00:02:37,622 --> 00:02:40,926
I mean, let me
explain something.
63
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,628
David Jacobi
is the type of guy
64
00:02:42,661 --> 00:02:44,697
that represented
everything insecure about me.
65
00:02:44,729 --> 00:02:45,897
He's successful,
he's in shape...
66
00:02:45,931 --> 00:02:47,733
And this is not to say
we have bad lives.
67
00:02:47,765 --> 00:02:49,568
- No.
- We didn't, but Jacobi,
68
00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:50,703
three action screenplays sold.
69
00:02:50,736 --> 00:02:52,905
Three, I mean, he was...
he was the crappiest writer
70
00:02:52,937 --> 00:02:55,307
in our college program,
and he had three scripts sold.
71
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:56,676
- I mean...
- Nothing produced,
72
00:02:56,709 --> 00:02:58,843
nothing produced, but still,
he was an actual writer
73
00:02:58,877 --> 00:03:00,445
while I dealt with
bullshit clients all day.
74
00:03:00,479 --> 00:03:02,215
Yeah, and I changed
poopy diapers all day.
75
00:03:02,247 --> 00:03:04,349
He's got this great, great,
great, great, great, great,
76
00:03:04,383 --> 00:03:06,586
great, great, great,
great fantastic hair.
77
00:03:06,618 --> 00:03:07,819
Wonderful hairline.
78
00:03:07,853 --> 00:03:09,288
Thick, he's never gonna lose it.
79
00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:10,522
Yeah, I know, I know,
I'm going bald,
80
00:03:10,556 --> 00:03:11,891
and you know what sucks,
I'm gonna die looking
81
00:03:11,924 --> 00:03:12,792
like a kneecap with ears.
82
00:03:12,824 --> 00:03:15,227
He's got a fantastic...
a fantastic,
83
00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:17,996
wonderful, thick jawline,
square as can be.
84
00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:19,564
He's a real Dick Tracy-looking
motherfucker.
85
00:03:19,598 --> 00:03:20,933
I know, I got this...
look at this thing.
86
00:03:20,966 --> 00:03:22,768
- Look at this thing right here.
- Yeah, it's like
87
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:23,634
a Robert Redford scrotum.
88
00:03:23,669 --> 00:03:24,937
Yeah, before he had
plastic surgery.
89
00:03:24,969 --> 00:03:26,305
Yeah, Jacobi's the type of guy,
90
00:03:26,337 --> 00:03:28,707
he's so smug and he's so nice,
he invites you to his wedding
91
00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:30,443
even if he hadn't contacted you
in eight years.
92
00:03:30,475 --> 00:03:32,444
Besides his monthly
Gold Star newsletter.
93
00:03:32,478 --> 00:03:34,614
Which I read between flirting
at my weekly book club.
94
00:03:34,646 --> 00:03:36,548
Or after jacking...
I mean,
95
00:03:36,581 --> 00:03:38,516
after masturbating
in the bathroom
96
00:03:38,550 --> 00:03:39,719
while my pregnant wife sleeps.
97
00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:41,454
And, of course,
we're so pathetic,
98
00:03:41,486 --> 00:03:42,555
we actually go.
99
00:03:42,587 --> 00:03:44,590
So, yeah.
100
00:03:44,622 --> 00:03:47,425
That's how
this whole thing started.
101
00:04:07,579 --> 00:04:09,015
Eric,
102
00:04:09,048 --> 00:04:10,716
I need to talk to you
about something.
103
00:04:10,748 --> 00:04:12,617
- I'm not interested.
- I just want to talk, man.
104
00:04:12,651 --> 00:04:14,719
Look, we said hi earlier,
it was fine, okay?
105
00:04:14,752 --> 00:04:16,421
But I'm not interested
in anything else.
106
00:04:16,454 --> 00:04:17,656
I don't even care
about your apologies.
107
00:04:17,689 --> 00:04:20,326
No, that's not
what this is about.
108
00:04:20,358 --> 00:04:22,861
Uh, can I have a tequila soda
with two limes, please?
109
00:04:22,894 --> 00:04:24,896
Do you have any more
of those appetizers?
110
00:04:24,930 --> 00:04:25,965
That mini quiche, that...
111
00:04:25,997 --> 00:04:27,632
Oh, that bacon-wrapped thing
would be fantastic.
112
00:04:27,665 --> 00:04:28,668
Eric!
113
00:04:28,701 --> 00:04:30,302
I'm about two beers in.
114
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:33,773
And, like, 30 cocktail weenies.
115
00:04:33,805 --> 00:04:35,841
You remember five years ago
after school?
116
00:04:35,874 --> 00:04:37,443
We were actually
making something.
117
00:04:37,475 --> 00:04:38,343
Yeah, which you fucked up.
118
00:04:38,377 --> 00:04:41,579
Yeah, which I F'd up,
I know, but...
119
00:04:41,612 --> 00:04:43,983
maybe we can try again,
maybe we can be partners again,
120
00:04:44,016 --> 00:04:46,519
and maybe we can write
together again.
121
00:04:46,552 --> 00:04:49,455
How many drinks have you had?
122
00:04:49,487 --> 00:04:51,389
I'm five beers in
at that point.
123
00:04:51,423 --> 00:04:52,591
More like six.
124
00:04:52,624 --> 00:04:53,826
Even if I forgot everything
125
00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:55,794
and all the time we wasted
writing together,
126
00:04:55,827 --> 00:04:57,662
this still makes no sense, okay?
127
00:04:57,696 --> 00:04:59,432
I live in New York,
you're in Virginia.
128
00:04:59,464 --> 00:05:01,700
Besides, me and Emily,
we have a baby on the way.
129
00:05:01,733 --> 00:05:02,668
I have two kids!
130
00:05:02,701 --> 00:05:04,903
And you're home all day,
you have more time.
131
00:05:04,937 --> 00:05:07,038
Being a stay-at-home dad
is a full-time job,
132
00:05:07,072 --> 00:05:08,740
thank you very much.
133
00:05:08,774 --> 00:05:10,810
Uh, excuse me, uh, yeah,
134
00:05:10,843 --> 00:05:11,778
you got any more weenies?
135
00:05:11,810 --> 00:05:13,512
Okay, you know what,
fine, you're right.
136
00:05:13,545 --> 00:05:15,114
I ruined everything,
I'm an A-hole.
137
00:05:15,146 --> 00:05:16,815
- Asshole.
- Then just think of the money
138
00:05:16,848 --> 00:05:17,750
we can make, man, I mean,
139
00:05:17,783 --> 00:05:19,418
the F'ing wedding we're at,
Jacobi.
140
00:05:19,451 --> 00:05:20,720
- Prick.
- Jacobi paid for this
141
00:05:20,752 --> 00:05:22,087
ten times over
with dumpy scripts.
142
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,588
I know for a fact
we can do better.
143
00:05:23,622 --> 00:05:24,990
Oh yeah, oh yeah,
and with what ideas?
144
00:05:25,023 --> 00:05:27,126
Are you kidding me?
I got my conspiracy idea.
145
00:05:27,158 --> 00:05:28,728
Oh my God,
not your thesis again.
146
00:05:28,761 --> 00:05:30,596
- That joke?
- I got my indie drama idea.
147
00:05:30,629 --> 00:05:31,896
Yeah, a gimmick
to film a full-length
148
00:05:31,930 --> 00:05:33,132
over some weekends
with no money.
149
00:05:33,165 --> 00:05:34,033
Well, at least
I have ideas, Eric.
150
00:05:34,065 --> 00:05:35,800
And listen,
I know you have some too.
151
00:05:35,834 --> 00:05:37,569
They're just buried
under corporate shenanigans
152
00:05:37,603 --> 00:05:39,939
and Lamaze classes, which are
a waste of time, by the way,
153
00:05:39,971 --> 00:05:41,007
but if you could just
break through it,
154
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,376
then maybe we could try again,
be partners again.
155
00:05:43,408 --> 00:05:44,810
Listen, listen, listen,
listen, listen, okay.
156
00:05:44,843 --> 00:05:46,479
You remember when we first
started writing,
157
00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:48,381
how you would flip out
over an idea?
158
00:05:48,413 --> 00:05:50,014
You were a 25-year-old writer
159
00:05:50,048 --> 00:05:52,084
getting kicked out of bars
'cause you'd be yelling so loud.
160
00:05:52,117 --> 00:05:53,285
And listen, you remember,
161
00:05:53,317 --> 00:05:55,653
you remember how we used to go
to some crappy restaurant,
162
00:05:55,687 --> 00:05:57,790
and to get a free meal,
you would... it's gross, man...
163
00:05:57,822 --> 00:05:59,524
you would throw up on command
164
00:05:59,557 --> 00:06:00,825
yelling about how the food
went bad.
165
00:06:00,858 --> 00:06:02,594
- I never did anything like that.
- Oh, yes, you did,
166
00:06:02,627 --> 00:06:03,461
just spewing all over the place.
167
00:06:03,495 --> 00:06:04,697
I can't throw up
on command, okay?
168
00:06:04,730 --> 00:06:06,432
You used to, you used to be
insane when you were younger.
169
00:06:06,464 --> 00:06:07,432
So what the hell
is your point, Sean?
170
00:06:07,466 --> 00:06:08,968
That you can write, Eric,
that I can write,
171
00:06:09,999 --> 00:06:10,935
and whether you want
to admit it or not,
172
00:06:10,968 --> 00:06:12,036
before we were married
173
00:06:12,069 --> 00:06:14,406
and before all
of this adult BS,
174
00:06:14,439 --> 00:06:17,410
writing made us better
and that's why we were friends.
175
00:06:21,579 --> 00:06:23,449
I see our wives
in the back of the wedding
176
00:06:23,482 --> 00:06:25,418
looking like they set up
a blind date or something,
177
00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:28,721
hoping that this whole thing
would work out,
178
00:06:28,754 --> 00:06:31,724
hoping that maybe
we'd be friends again.
179
00:06:31,757 --> 00:06:36,896
But, I mean, like,
were we even friends?
180
00:06:36,928 --> 00:06:38,696
We just wrote dumb shit
together all day
181
00:06:38,730 --> 00:06:40,032
like we were little kids.
182
00:06:40,064 --> 00:06:42,701
And what is wrong with that?
183
00:06:42,733 --> 00:06:44,002
Nothing.
184
00:06:44,036 --> 00:06:45,737
Nothing, nothing.
185
00:06:45,771 --> 00:06:47,573
Just saying how I felt.
186
00:06:47,605 --> 00:06:48,641
Fine, you're right.
187
00:06:48,673 --> 00:06:50,842
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I even came over here.
188
00:06:50,875 --> 00:06:52,110
Yeah, of course you're sorry.
189
00:06:52,144 --> 00:06:53,579
You'll always be sorry
about something.
190
00:06:53,612 --> 00:06:54,914
You're a drunk.
191
00:06:57,048 --> 00:06:58,918
Right, well, uh,
192
00:06:58,951 --> 00:07:01,653
that was a good talk, Eric.
193
00:07:01,687 --> 00:07:04,657
Maybe I'll see you again
in another five years.
194
00:07:12,497 --> 00:07:14,933
It was a beautiful
wedding though.
195
00:07:16,735 --> 00:07:17,603
Great cocktail weenies.
196
00:07:17,636 --> 00:07:22,508
Fantastic, fantastic
cocktail weenies.
197
00:07:24,009 --> 00:07:25,711
And it's Saturday.
198
00:07:25,744 --> 00:07:29,014
I have to go
to the office again.
199
00:07:29,047 --> 00:07:31,250
- It's a business pitch.
- Hey...
200
00:07:31,283 --> 00:07:33,819
and... tell them what happened
at the meeting.
201
00:07:33,851 --> 00:07:35,086
Dude, nothing happened.
202
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,223
Tell them what happened
at the meeting, Eric.
203
00:07:37,255 --> 00:07:39,090
Tell them!
204
00:07:39,124 --> 00:07:41,560
It's about 4 p.m.
205
00:07:41,593 --> 00:07:43,696
We'd been working non-stop
on a new strategy
206
00:07:43,728 --> 00:07:46,598
to advertise diapers
across the internet.
207
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:49,001
My team are all women
in their mid-20s
208
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:51,704
and a young
Bradley Cooper-looking dude
209
00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:55,074
who I try to relate to,
but he just makes me feel old.
210
00:07:55,107 --> 00:07:57,610
My team's complaining
about missing out
211
00:07:57,642 --> 00:07:59,944
on a Saturday
day-drinking session,
212
00:07:59,978 --> 00:08:01,947
and my mind drifts away.
213
00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:05,117
Suddenly, I see it
outside the window,
214
00:08:05,149 --> 00:08:07,685
a SWAT chopper,
and the weird part is,
215
00:08:07,718 --> 00:08:08,920
no one else seems to notice it.
216
00:08:08,954 --> 00:08:13,559
This is a big fuckin' bird
getting inches from the window,
217
00:08:13,591 --> 00:08:15,693
and not until the whole room
starts shaking
218
00:08:15,726 --> 00:08:19,097
does anyone seem to care,
and by then,
219
00:08:19,130 --> 00:08:20,632
we're done.
220
00:08:31,576 --> 00:08:34,279
In the cockpit, there's
a scrawny guy with an eyepatch,
221
00:08:34,312 --> 00:08:35,914
bullet hole in his head.
222
00:08:35,947 --> 00:08:37,882
No pilot, no control.
223
00:08:37,916 --> 00:08:39,251
The blades whip the window,
224
00:08:39,283 --> 00:08:41,153
every asshole makes
a run for it,
225
00:08:41,186 --> 00:08:44,089
while I hide behind a table
terrified.
226
00:08:44,121 --> 00:08:47,125
And that's when it all goes
in slow motion.
227
00:08:47,158 --> 00:08:50,696
The sound fuzzy,
past the shattering glass,
228
00:08:50,729 --> 00:08:53,032
past the chopper blades
slicing into the room
229
00:08:53,065 --> 00:08:55,968
like a deadly windmill,
I see her,
230
00:08:56,999 --> 00:09:00,038
a beautiful, gorgeous woman,
a knockout in a red dress.
231
00:09:02,106 --> 00:09:03,675
Now the chopper's going down
232
00:09:03,708 --> 00:09:05,243
and the blades
are breaking up the table.
233
00:09:05,277 --> 00:09:08,347
We're eye to eye, and it's like
she's telling me one thing.
234
00:09:08,379 --> 00:09:11,182
"Eric, save me,
make love to me,
235
00:09:11,216 --> 00:09:13,751
give me your solid six!"
236
00:09:13,784 --> 00:09:15,254
I dive across the table,
237
00:09:15,287 --> 00:09:16,956
the blade just inches from me,
238
00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:19,091
the room so hot
I know it's ready to blow.
239
00:09:19,124 --> 00:09:20,593
I grab this beautiful woman,
240
00:09:20,625 --> 00:09:22,126
pick her up,
and run to the exit.
241
00:09:22,159 --> 00:09:24,195
I feel the heat,
the explosion's coming.
242
00:09:24,229 --> 00:09:26,699
I know the flames will engulf us
so I keep going,
243
00:09:26,731 --> 00:09:28,600
keep this beautiful babe
wrapped in my arms
244
00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:31,135
until I dive out,
slam the metal door behind us.
245
00:09:31,168 --> 00:09:32,236
Boom!
246
00:09:32,269 --> 00:09:36,741
The chopper and One-Eyed Willy
burst up in flames.
247
00:09:36,774 --> 00:09:40,312
Everybody is just staring at me,
jaws dropped,
248
00:09:40,345 --> 00:09:43,682
knowing I saved them,
that I saved this woman...
249
00:09:45,082 --> 00:09:46,651
...that I saved the day.
250
00:09:46,684 --> 00:09:50,054
I am the motherfucking man!
251
00:09:50,087 --> 00:09:51,756
And she looks up at me,
252
00:09:51,789 --> 00:09:55,026
her eyes grateful,
her lips pursed,
253
00:09:55,059 --> 00:09:58,863
big, sexy, full, red lips.
254
00:09:58,897 --> 00:10:01,033
They look like they're
about to touch mine,
255
00:10:01,066 --> 00:10:04,370
and I... I... I...
256
00:10:04,403 --> 00:10:06,872
That's when my VP calls on me.
257
00:10:06,904 --> 00:10:09,173
He wants me
to whiteboard our strategy
258
00:10:09,206 --> 00:10:13,211
that will increase diaper sales
to the 18-to-24-year-old demo.
259
00:10:13,245 --> 00:10:17,048
So I stand up,
I'm about to whiteboard it...
260
00:10:19,017 --> 00:10:22,153
...and I, um,
I have a raging erection.
261
00:10:22,187 --> 00:10:24,822
So... a boner got him
to call me back.
262
00:10:24,855 --> 00:10:27,960
No, no, no, not a boner, man,
just that this daydreaming,
263
00:10:27,993 --> 00:10:29,294
that's what used
to do it for me.
264
00:10:29,326 --> 00:10:30,895
- I told you.
- I used to stay up all night
265
00:10:30,928 --> 00:10:32,063
like it was some type
of therapy,
266
00:10:32,096 --> 00:10:33,399
and I'd think
of the craziest ideas.
267
00:10:33,432 --> 00:10:35,000
Yeah, yeah.
268
00:10:35,033 --> 00:10:36,301
Then I got older.
269
00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:41,774
Yeah, and I lost it,
and that sucks,
270
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:44,176
'cause now I actually pay
attention in meetings.
271
00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:47,211
I mean...
272
00:10:47,245 --> 00:10:49,280
who gives a shit about diapers?
273
00:10:49,313 --> 00:10:51,716
Well, you clearly
were not a father yet
274
00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:52,850
'cause, you know,
with girls there,
275
00:10:52,884 --> 00:10:55,687
it's very important, you always
go from top to bottom.
276
00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:57,690
- Dude, dude.
- It's very... what...
277
00:10:57,722 --> 00:11:00,091
I'm try... let me just...
let me tell the story!
278
00:11:00,125 --> 00:11:02,326
The point is, I got you
daydreaming again, we get it.
279
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:03,895
Well, yeah, all right,
that's fair.
280
00:11:03,928 --> 00:11:05,396
I mean, you could...
you could say that.
281
00:11:05,429 --> 00:11:08,199
Yeah, you could say that.
Yeah, fine.
282
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:10,868
And I'm the reason
he had a boner that day, so...
283
00:11:10,902 --> 00:11:14,239
So I call Sean up and I say,
"Hey, let's meet."
284
00:11:14,272 --> 00:11:15,440
I'm still in town
because of the wedding,
285
00:11:15,472 --> 00:11:18,276
taking advantage of my parents
babysitting for four days.
286
00:11:18,309 --> 00:11:20,244
- I get dinner.
- I buy drinks.
287
00:11:21,812 --> 00:11:22,947
I'm in.
288
00:11:22,980 --> 00:11:24,783
Action screenplay.
289
00:11:24,816 --> 00:11:26,185
- Really?
- Really.
290
00:11:26,217 --> 00:11:28,019
Man, that is awesome!
291
00:11:28,052 --> 00:11:29,922
And listen, I'm sorry again
about screwing up before...
292
00:11:29,955 --> 00:11:31,223
Let's move forward.
293
00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:32,223
Forward moving.
294
00:11:32,256 --> 00:11:35,259
But, Sean, we're just
business partners, okay?
295
00:11:35,293 --> 00:11:37,129
You mean you don't want to be
sex partners, too, Eric?
296
00:11:37,162 --> 00:11:38,730
No, Sean, this is work, okay?
297
00:11:38,764 --> 00:11:41,299
We're not friends
frolicking through the park.
298
00:11:41,332 --> 00:11:43,334
- What?
- It's business, okay?
299
00:11:43,368 --> 00:11:45,104
You were right,
I miss writing,
300
00:11:45,136 --> 00:11:46,904
but as far as writing with you,
it's only...
301
00:11:46,937 --> 00:11:48,372
Okay, okay, I get it,
I get it, I get it.
302
00:11:48,405 --> 00:11:49,440
- And Sean...
- Talk to me, Eric.
303
00:11:49,474 --> 00:11:51,243
If you do anything
like last time, I'm gonna...
304
00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:52,777
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
305
00:11:52,811 --> 00:11:55,013
I am a stay-at-home dad now.
306
00:11:55,046 --> 00:11:57,216
What the heck can I do?
307
00:11:57,249 --> 00:11:59,084
Two beers, please!
308
00:11:59,116 --> 00:12:02,253
I'm three drinks in
at this point.
309
00:12:02,287 --> 00:12:04,990
Four, four drinks in.
310
00:12:05,023 --> 00:12:08,494
But we do live halfway across
the country from each other.
311
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:10,329
That is a little bit
of a problem.
312
00:12:10,361 --> 00:12:13,365
It's fine, we'll email
each other back and forth.
313
00:12:13,398 --> 00:12:14,899
Emails, yes.
314
00:12:14,932 --> 00:12:16,031
Pen pals.
315
00:12:16,033 --> 00:12:16,934
This is perfect, man.
316
00:12:16,969 --> 00:12:19,171
This is gonna be like
"The Color Purple"
317
00:12:19,203 --> 00:12:21,072
of writing an action movie,
man, let me tell you.
318
00:12:21,105 --> 00:12:22,807
Wait, did you just reference
"The Color Purple"?
319
00:12:22,841 --> 00:12:25,110
Uh, yeah, I just referenced
"The Color Purple."
320
00:12:25,143 --> 00:12:26,411
We read it this year
in book club.
321
00:12:26,443 --> 00:12:27,678
Man, get this.
322
00:12:27,711 --> 00:12:30,182
It's this novel made up between
two discriminated Black women.
323
00:12:30,215 --> 00:12:31,517
They write these letters
back and forth.
324
00:12:31,549 --> 00:12:33,317
Yeah, yeah,
Alice Walker is brilliant.
325
00:12:33,350 --> 00:12:35,320
I just don't think
you should compare that
326
00:12:35,352 --> 00:12:36,354
to what we're doing.
327
00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:37,956
It's a metaphor, Eric.
328
00:12:37,989 --> 00:12:39,157
Sean, stop, okay?
329
00:12:39,190 --> 00:12:41,126
I don't want you to get
all philosophical, all right?
330
00:12:41,158 --> 00:12:43,361
Metaphors are like
third-grade English, man.
331
00:12:43,394 --> 00:12:45,429
I just don't want this
to get confusing, all right,
332
00:12:45,462 --> 00:12:47,865
or turn into one
of your conspiracies, okay?
333
00:12:47,899 --> 00:12:49,902
Let's treat it simple,
professional,
334
00:12:49,934 --> 00:12:51,569
like a business pitch.
335
00:12:51,602 --> 00:12:54,173
That right... that was
a metaphor, Eric.
336
00:12:54,206 --> 00:12:56,375
Actually, that was a simile,
but I have a metaphor for you.
337
00:12:56,408 --> 00:12:57,475
Suck my...
338
00:12:57,509 --> 00:12:59,478
Okay, you know what, fine,
we'll do it your way.
339
00:12:59,510 --> 00:13:00,945
A business.
340
00:13:00,979 --> 00:13:02,014
Good.
341
00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:03,382
Uh, now we just need
to carve out
342
00:13:03,414 --> 00:13:04,482
a little bit of writing time.
343
00:13:04,515 --> 00:13:06,584
That is easy, man,
'cause you know what I wanna do?
344
00:13:06,618 --> 00:13:09,121
I'm gonna put an episode
of "Dora the Explorer" on,
345
00:13:09,153 --> 00:13:11,123
keep the kids busy,
and you know what, man, Leah...
346
00:13:11,155 --> 00:13:13,457
- Shot of tequila, por favor.
- Leah, she always wants me
347
00:13:13,490 --> 00:13:14,692
to get a hobby
other than book club,
348
00:13:14,725 --> 00:13:17,862
but, God, man, those women,
they have been so good for me.
349
00:13:17,895 --> 00:13:18,996
I'm gonna tell you
what they've done.
350
00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:21,399
One, they've gotten me
more involved in the community.
351
00:13:21,432 --> 00:13:23,836
Two, I feel a little strange
saying this, but it's true:
352
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:25,537
Frankly, they have made me
a better man.
353
00:13:25,570 --> 00:13:27,472
I am more in touch with myself.
354
00:13:27,504 --> 00:13:28,874
I'm more sensitive.
355
00:13:28,907 --> 00:13:31,844
- I just feel like...
- Let me ask you
356
00:13:31,876 --> 00:13:34,011
a quick question.
357
00:13:34,044 --> 00:13:36,214
How do those women
in book club...
358
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:39,585
How do they really look?
359
00:13:39,618 --> 00:13:41,920
Some of them, they look, uh,
360
00:13:41,952 --> 00:13:42,920
pretty amazing.
361
00:13:42,953 --> 00:13:44,455
Yeah, but like, uh,
362
00:13:44,489 --> 00:13:46,625
do they all wear
those high-waisted mom jeans
363
00:13:46,658 --> 00:13:48,427
that give them
serious camel toe?
364
00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:50,963
You know, just up there
and up there and there,
365
00:13:50,995 --> 00:13:53,264
and you know, it makes
their asses.
366
00:13:53,298 --> 00:13:55,933
- How much have you had to drink?
- What about their FUPAs?
367
00:13:55,966 --> 00:13:57,302
- The FU-what?
- FUPAs, you know,
368
00:13:57,335 --> 00:13:59,071
you ever find yourself
just jacking off to the FUPAs,
369
00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:00,906
especially the ones
with serious camel toe?
370
00:14:00,938 --> 00:14:02,974
I don't even know
what a FUPA is, man.
371
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,142
Seriously?
372
00:14:04,174 --> 00:14:05,176
For... for real?
373
00:14:07,044 --> 00:14:08,880
It's the fat, upper pussy area!
374
00:14:08,913 --> 00:14:10,615
- Oh, Eric!
- It's that fleshy mound
375
00:14:10,649 --> 00:14:12,551
between the stomach and vag.
376
00:14:12,583 --> 00:14:14,318
Keep your voice down, man.
377
00:14:14,351 --> 00:14:15,486
The women in my book club
378
00:14:15,519 --> 00:14:17,121
are mostly younger
stay-at-home moms,
379
00:14:17,154 --> 00:14:19,490
not nursing home residents
with vaginal humps.
380
00:14:19,524 --> 00:14:21,960
The correct term is FUPA.
381
00:14:21,993 --> 00:14:23,562
"Vaginal humps"
makes it sound degrading.
382
00:14:23,595 --> 00:14:25,129
Oh, that makes it
sound degrading.
383
00:14:25,163 --> 00:14:26,632
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You really think of this stuff?
384
00:14:26,664 --> 00:14:28,165
Yeah, Sean,
I do think of this stuff.
385
00:14:28,198 --> 00:14:29,400
Ever since Emily's
gotten pregnant,
386
00:14:29,433 --> 00:14:30,935
the weirdest shit
is turning me on,
387
00:14:30,969 --> 00:14:33,038
just setting my goose loose.
388
00:14:33,071 --> 00:14:35,274
Okay, I mean,
camel toe mostly,
389
00:14:35,307 --> 00:14:38,043
but still, I mean,
that... that...
390
00:14:38,076 --> 00:14:39,644
that didn't happen to you
when Leah was pregnant?
391
00:14:39,677 --> 00:14:43,014
No! No, I am not
a FUPA-loving deviant like you.
392
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:45,049
Yeah, right, okay,
but after book club,
393
00:14:45,082 --> 00:14:47,418
you go home and jack off
to the women from it, don't you?
394
00:14:47,451 --> 00:14:50,288
You just punch that clown,
"Oh, I wanna go home,
395
00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:53,557
I wanna take a bath,
I'm gonna get in the tub,
396
00:14:53,591 --> 00:14:55,192
I'm gonna fucking grab my..."
397
00:15:03,033 --> 00:15:04,937
I do do that sometimes.
398
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:06,538
I do it all the time.
399
00:15:08,505 --> 00:15:09,573
I do do that.
400
00:15:14,678 --> 00:15:15,680
I do do that.
401
00:15:15,714 --> 00:15:17,582
I'm the page master.
402
00:15:17,615 --> 00:15:19,951
I'm the page masturbator.
403
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:21,986
I am, I do it every time.
404
00:15:22,019 --> 00:15:23,288
Sean!
405
00:15:25,023 --> 00:15:27,692
We're at a bar, man.
406
00:15:27,725 --> 00:15:29,561
Sinner.
407
00:15:29,594 --> 00:15:32,698
Okay, let's get back
to the main topic, okay?
408
00:15:32,730 --> 00:15:35,266
- Sinner.
- I'm gonna take more breaks...
409
00:15:35,299 --> 00:15:36,534
Sinner!
410
00:15:39,537 --> 00:15:41,740
You know, uh,
men can have FUPAs too.
411
00:15:41,773 --> 00:15:43,141
Oh, just stop it.
412
00:15:43,173 --> 00:15:44,643
Yeah, they call them MUPAs.
413
00:15:44,676 --> 00:15:47,012
The first meeting
was not that productive.
414
00:15:48,312 --> 00:15:50,048
It had been five years, so...
415
00:15:50,081 --> 00:15:51,515
This guy hadn't been laid
in eight months.
416
00:15:51,548 --> 00:15:53,718
Leah has a very,
very stressful job.
417
00:15:53,751 --> 00:15:54,886
Eight months!
418
00:15:54,919 --> 00:15:57,154
Yeah, and you were so afraid
of having a kid at first,
419
00:15:57,187 --> 00:15:59,357
you faked orgasms before Emily
finally got knocked up.
420
00:15:59,390 --> 00:16:01,158
- Yeah, but that was one time.
- Oh, it was one time.
421
00:16:01,192 --> 00:16:02,661
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, did you fake moan,
422
00:16:02,693 --> 00:16:03,828
Eric, did you?
423
00:16:03,861 --> 00:16:06,697
Even when she played with
your male upper pussy area?
424
00:16:06,730 --> 00:16:09,301
Look, look, the truth is,
we needed this.
425
00:16:09,333 --> 00:16:11,669
We needed something else
besides daydreaming.
426
00:16:11,702 --> 00:16:13,004
- And we found it.
- And we found it.
427
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:14,740
- We shook hands...
- Writing partners.
428
00:16:14,773 --> 00:16:16,375
We'll email each other
some ideas.
429
00:16:16,408 --> 00:16:17,642
It's the 21st century.
430
00:16:17,674 --> 00:16:20,111
You can do anything
with computers.
431
00:16:20,144 --> 00:16:21,312
F'ing A, you can.
432
00:16:21,346 --> 00:16:23,447
My first idea, 2 a.m.
433
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:24,716
A cop who's hard to kill
434
00:16:24,749 --> 00:16:27,185
finds himself marked for death
and under siege
435
00:16:27,217 --> 00:16:28,386
when he's out for justice
436
00:16:28,419 --> 00:16:30,389
against the crew
that killed his partner.
437
00:16:30,422 --> 00:16:32,691
Send.
Another idea two days later.
438
00:16:32,724 --> 00:16:35,527
Super cop during rush hour
gets into a rumble in the Bronx,
439
00:16:35,559 --> 00:16:37,361
and it's no more Mr. Nice Guy.
440
00:16:37,394 --> 00:16:38,663
Send!
441
00:16:38,696 --> 00:16:40,565
A demolition man
goes over the top
442
00:16:40,597 --> 00:16:41,665
looking for his first blood.
443
00:16:41,698 --> 00:16:45,403
He ends up meeting a commando
that gets a raw deal
444
00:16:45,437 --> 00:16:47,105
and is demoted
to a kindergarten cop.
445
00:16:47,138 --> 00:16:48,139
By the end of the movie,
it turns out
446
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,075
they might be twins,
ending in a cliffhanger...
447
00:16:50,107 --> 00:16:51,809
And we clearly had nothing.
448
00:16:51,842 --> 00:16:54,445
It's F'ing social media,
it drains every creative outlet.
449
00:16:54,479 --> 00:16:57,149
So we had one option:
Bring it closer to home.
450
00:16:57,182 --> 00:16:59,116
If you can't make it up,
use what's real.
451
00:16:59,149 --> 00:17:00,519
I call Sean up on the phone.
452
00:17:00,552 --> 00:17:03,055
- Buongiorno, Eric.
- Let's go to the beginning.
453
00:17:03,087 --> 00:17:05,757
- I'm there, honcho.
- Why are we writing again?
454
00:17:05,789 --> 00:17:07,658
God, 'cause it's business,
Eric, I get it.
455
00:17:07,692 --> 00:17:09,227
No, no, but besides that.
456
00:17:09,259 --> 00:17:10,628
Um, because we're bored,
unfulfilled,
457
00:17:10,662 --> 00:17:11,797
and because I gave you
a boner that day.
458
00:17:11,829 --> 00:17:14,499
No, we're writing again
because we met up at a wedding,
459
00:17:14,531 --> 00:17:16,801
which hasn't really been done.
460
00:17:16,835 --> 00:17:18,804
Holy shit, I got it.
461
00:17:18,836 --> 00:17:20,638
An action movie that takes place
at a wedding.
462
00:17:20,672 --> 00:17:22,740
- It's, it's...
- Wedding, wedding.
463
00:17:22,773 --> 00:17:24,241
Think, think, um...
464
00:17:24,275 --> 00:17:26,244
Everyone you love in one spot,
465
00:17:26,277 --> 00:17:27,679
good comic relief
in the bridal party,
466
00:17:27,711 --> 00:17:29,346
and plenty of unlikely heroes.
467
00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:30,816
It basically writes itself.
468
00:17:30,848 --> 00:17:35,153
Oh, and not to mention,
hold the G.D. phone, Eric.
469
00:17:35,185 --> 00:17:37,521
The biggest, hugest wedding
in the country is coming up,
470
00:17:37,555 --> 00:17:38,456
and who doesn't like a movie
471
00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:39,691
that replicates real life,
right, right?
472
00:17:39,723 --> 00:17:42,293
The president's daughter is
getting married in four months.
473
00:17:42,326 --> 00:17:44,496
And this is gonna be
a huge motherf'ing deal.
474
00:17:44,528 --> 00:17:46,530
Even the VP said
on his Twitter account...
475
00:17:46,564 --> 00:17:49,101
"I don't care
about running this country,
476
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:51,736
as long as I'm well enough
to attend this wedding."
477
00:17:51,769 --> 00:17:53,771
Except he's not
a Jewish rabbi, Eric.
478
00:17:53,805 --> 00:17:55,740
As opposed
to a Catholic rabbi?
479
00:17:55,772 --> 00:17:57,241
But if this wedding's
gonna be epic,
480
00:17:57,275 --> 00:17:58,410
there's gonna be
a lot of action,
481
00:17:58,442 --> 00:17:59,544
and if there's gonna be
a lot of action,
482
00:17:59,577 --> 00:18:02,180
then we really gotta, like,
kick ass on this thing.
483
00:18:02,212 --> 00:18:04,648
So if we can get this script
done in the next three months,
484
00:18:04,682 --> 00:18:06,585
that still gives us a month
before Emily delivers.
485
00:18:06,617 --> 00:18:09,153
Good timing to get
a little agent buzz.
486
00:18:09,186 --> 00:18:10,821
And, ladies and gentlemen...
487
00:18:10,855 --> 00:18:12,591
Drum roll, give me a drum roll.
488
00:18:12,624 --> 00:18:16,528
Dude, just, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes!
489
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:17,895
Our plot...
490
00:18:17,929 --> 00:18:20,532
Terrorists try to take out the
president's daughter's wedding
491
00:18:20,565 --> 00:18:23,802
to kill every major player
in D.C.
492
00:18:23,835 --> 00:18:24,903
Yes.
493
00:18:27,471 --> 00:18:30,307
Oh, maybe with
Russian nationalists, boom!
494
00:18:30,340 --> 00:18:32,209
That want to blow up
the wedding.
495
00:18:32,242 --> 00:18:33,544
That's a double boom.
496
00:18:33,577 --> 00:18:35,180
They don't want the nation
at peace.
497
00:18:35,212 --> 00:18:36,714
They want a war!
498
00:18:36,748 --> 00:18:38,750
A new Cold War.
499
00:18:38,782 --> 00:18:41,352
Something colder
than a cold war!
500
00:18:41,385 --> 00:18:44,388
An Arctic war!
501
00:18:44,422 --> 00:18:47,625
That is the best damn title
I've ever heard.
502
00:18:47,659 --> 00:18:51,296
O.J., soda, purple stuff...
503
00:18:51,328 --> 00:18:52,364
beer!
504
00:18:54,731 --> 00:18:56,535
Uh, too bad for the terrorists,
505
00:18:56,567 --> 00:18:58,336
there's a bass player
in the wedding band
506
00:18:58,368 --> 00:18:59,403
that catches on.
507
00:18:59,436 --> 00:19:00,905
- Duh.
- Oh, and maybe,
508
00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:02,641
maybe he's got
a kid there with him,
509
00:19:02,673 --> 00:19:04,643
and the kid helps him
save the day at the end.
510
00:19:04,675 --> 00:19:06,544
Yes, yes!
511
00:19:06,577 --> 00:19:07,846
No, no!
512
00:19:07,878 --> 00:19:09,513
Who's Daddy's
little action hero?
513
00:19:09,547 --> 00:19:11,583
Ah, who's Daddy's
little action hero?
514
00:19:11,615 --> 00:19:15,386
I am not writing
some PG-13 bullshit
515
00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:18,323
where an 11-year-old girl
with daddy issues
516
00:19:18,355 --> 00:19:19,857
stops the bad guys
517
00:19:19,891 --> 00:19:22,594
by doing something she hinted at
in the first act.
518
00:19:22,626 --> 00:19:25,363
- I'm not doing it.
- Okay.
519
00:19:25,395 --> 00:19:28,966
Our bass player, he can be
ex-Navy SEAL though, right?
520
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,368
Yeah, that's... that's
way more realistic.
521
00:19:31,402 --> 00:19:33,805
Now, some people write from
the beginning and go forward.
522
00:19:33,837 --> 00:19:35,307
Some people start
from the end.
523
00:19:35,339 --> 00:19:37,509
We begin with
the main one-liner.
524
00:19:37,541 --> 00:19:39,977
"Remember, Sully, when
I promised to kill you last?
525
00:19:40,010 --> 00:19:41,645
I lied."
526
00:19:41,679 --> 00:19:43,215
Um...
527
00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:45,683
"Don't disturb my friend,
he's dead tired.
528
00:19:45,717 --> 00:19:47,319
Let off some steam, Bennett."
529
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:49,521
Are you only quoting Commando?
530
00:19:49,554 --> 00:19:51,223
"No.
531
00:19:51,256 --> 00:19:53,658
Fuck you, asshole!"
532
00:19:53,691 --> 00:19:55,360
Oh, oh, and what about, um,
533
00:19:55,393 --> 00:19:57,562
what about, uh,
"Yippee-ki-yay, MF'er"?
534
00:19:57,595 --> 00:19:59,463
- And what about...
- You mean "motherfucker."
535
00:20:00,664 --> 00:20:02,701
Yeah, that's what I said, Eric.
536
00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:04,635
No, you said "MF'er."
537
00:20:04,669 --> 00:20:05,570
- No, I did not.
- Yeah, you did.
538
00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:07,739
And it's... it's getting
kinda weird.
539
00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:09,006
You keep doing that.
540
00:20:09,039 --> 00:20:10,407
Well, excuse me.
541
00:20:10,441 --> 00:20:11,675
I'm conscious
of dirty language, Eric.
542
00:20:11,709 --> 00:20:14,446
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- No, I'm not F'ing kidding you.
543
00:20:14,479 --> 00:20:15,947
I have two little girls.
544
00:20:15,980 --> 00:20:17,548
Are they around you right now?
545
00:20:17,582 --> 00:20:19,017
They might be,
they're like little ninjas,
546
00:20:19,049 --> 00:20:20,719
and I don't swear
out of principle,
547
00:20:20,751 --> 00:20:23,520
to set an example for them,
okay, butt breath?
548
00:20:23,554 --> 00:20:25,490
Dude, you gotta stop, okay?
549
00:20:25,522 --> 00:20:27,759
At some point,
we know you're gonna get angry,
550
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,360
you're gonna have
a badass moment,
551
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:30,461
and you're gonna curse,
552
00:20:30,494 --> 00:20:32,329
so just get it
over with already.
553
00:20:32,363 --> 00:20:35,267
- Just say "fuck."
- No.
554
00:20:35,299 --> 00:20:37,635
- Say "shit, fuck."
- No.
555
00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:39,371
Say "ass, fuck,
motherfucking bitch,
556
00:20:39,403 --> 00:20:42,374
cock, shit, fuck, butt,
golden prostitutes fingering
557
00:20:42,406 --> 00:20:43,875
Arnold Schwarzenegger's
deflating bicep
558
00:20:43,907 --> 00:20:45,809
as Jennifer Aniston's
left nipple squirts mustard
559
00:20:45,843 --> 00:20:47,345
on Brad Pitt's sagging balls."
560
00:20:47,377 --> 00:20:49,880
Just say, "Motherfucker,
motherfucker, what!"
561
00:20:49,913 --> 00:20:51,282
Eric, no!
562
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:52,616
I'm DMX, "Ha!"
563
00:20:52,650 --> 00:20:55,019
So anyways, I got a one-liner
that incorporates
564
00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:58,023
the characters, the settings,
and it's badass.
565
00:21:00,090 --> 00:21:02,894
"Till death do us part,
motherfucker."
566
00:21:02,926 --> 00:21:04,828
Yes!
567
00:21:05,730 --> 00:21:07,832
Now we gotta do research.
568
00:21:07,865 --> 00:21:09,601
But we have
a pretty good template here.
569
00:21:09,634 --> 00:21:13,003
I mean, the president's daughter
is really getting married, so...
570
00:21:15,405 --> 00:21:16,875
As far as research goes,
you know,
571
00:21:16,907 --> 00:21:20,544
I'm just Googling between
book club and baby yoga.
572
00:21:21,612 --> 00:21:23,480
Field facts are the real thing.
573
00:21:26,017 --> 00:21:27,919
Huge tent, 80-by-40, send.
574
00:21:27,951 --> 00:21:30,721
Guests and staff
of over a thousand, send.
575
00:21:30,755 --> 00:21:32,991
Guarded by all sides,
aerial and below,
576
00:21:33,023 --> 00:21:34,958
everywhere, send.
577
00:21:34,991 --> 00:21:38,096
Which makes
for an interesting situation.
578
00:21:38,128 --> 00:21:40,097
How would our bad guys
actually do this?
579
00:21:40,131 --> 00:21:42,967
And the only real way:
a chemical attack,
580
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,635
plus a solid conspiracy.
581
00:21:44,669 --> 00:21:46,338
Shut up with the conspiracies.
582
00:21:46,371 --> 00:21:48,740
You're jealous,
you're still jealous.
583
00:21:48,772 --> 00:21:50,841
- What?
- Jealous of my thesis.
584
00:21:50,875 --> 00:21:53,111
Walmarts are actually
terrorist headquarters
585
00:21:53,144 --> 00:21:54,546
across the nation.
586
00:21:54,578 --> 00:21:55,813
That was the best thesis
587
00:21:55,846 --> 00:21:57,682
to ever come out
of our writing program.
588
00:21:57,714 --> 00:22:00,451
Just stick with aliens
and the JFK assassination.
589
00:22:00,484 --> 00:22:02,086
They've been done,
we need something different.
590
00:22:02,119 --> 00:22:03,654
Russian nationalists
with camel toe?
591
00:22:03,688 --> 00:22:05,590
No, details on
how the bad guys
592
00:22:05,623 --> 00:22:07,592
actually launch
their chemical attack.
593
00:22:07,625 --> 00:22:09,461
So I look up the base
for the chemical,
594
00:22:09,493 --> 00:22:10,728
orthochlorobenzyldene.
595
00:22:10,761 --> 00:22:12,429
I find out how long
it takes to make.
596
00:22:12,462 --> 00:22:13,731
I find out the best place
to make it.
597
00:22:13,765 --> 00:22:15,734
I even get a little method
and go to Walmart
598
00:22:15,767 --> 00:22:19,037
and look at all the materials.
599
00:22:19,069 --> 00:22:21,373
There's a cashier I like, um,
600
00:22:21,405 --> 00:22:23,508
she's got red hair
and all these piercings.
601
00:22:23,540 --> 00:22:25,676
She's a little bigger
and she flirts with me.
602
00:22:25,710 --> 00:22:28,480
It had been eight months, man.
603
00:22:28,512 --> 00:22:31,081
So you are into FUPAs then,
dude.
604
00:22:31,115 --> 00:22:32,717
Would you stop?
605
00:22:32,750 --> 00:22:34,419
Just because she's
a little thicker
606
00:22:34,451 --> 00:22:35,819
doesn't mean she has a FUPA.
607
00:22:35,853 --> 00:22:38,056
No, no, no,
that is exactly what it means.
608
00:22:38,088 --> 00:22:41,125
She probably has
a big ol' clit too.
609
00:22:41,159 --> 00:22:42,627
Hold on...
610
00:22:42,660 --> 00:22:43,961
I don't know if Emily's around.
611
00:22:43,994 --> 00:22:47,865
Yeah, she probably has a big o''
female bodybuilder's clitdick.
612
00:22:47,898 --> 00:22:50,567
It looks like a mini corn,
and you munch on it like this.
613
00:22:52,836 --> 00:22:54,672
And you know what?
614
00:22:54,704 --> 00:22:57,141
That is a beautiful thing, okay?
615
00:22:57,174 --> 00:23:00,644
I love women
of all shapes and sizes,
616
00:23:00,678 --> 00:23:04,849
big and round, tall and small,
lovely and wide, okay?
617
00:23:04,882 --> 00:23:06,985
I always have, I always will.
618
00:23:07,018 --> 00:23:09,053
So quit derailing, son,
all right?
619
00:23:09,086 --> 00:23:09,953
I'm derailing?
620
00:23:09,987 --> 00:23:12,990
Captain Camel Toe
Clit-Richard over here.
621
00:23:13,023 --> 00:23:16,427
Did you just say "Clit-Richard"
because you won't say "dick"?
622
00:23:16,461 --> 00:23:17,996
I keep a pure mouth.
623
00:23:28,806 --> 00:23:30,475
Send, send, send!
624
00:23:33,877 --> 00:23:35,779
Send!
625
00:23:35,813 --> 00:23:37,582
I started taking
longer lunch breaks,
626
00:23:37,615 --> 00:23:38,817
I missed a few Lamaze classes,
627
00:23:38,849 --> 00:23:40,184
which really are bullshit,
by the way.
628
00:23:40,218 --> 00:23:42,086
- Told you.
- But every work meeting,
629
00:23:42,118 --> 00:23:44,087
I'm daydreaming,
chopper galore,
630
00:23:44,121 --> 00:23:45,189
red dress, full lips.
631
00:23:45,221 --> 00:23:47,525
And I'm sitting in book club
not even commenting
632
00:23:47,557 --> 00:23:48,660
on character themes anymore.
633
00:23:48,692 --> 00:23:50,127
Just imagining
these thugs breaking in
634
00:23:50,161 --> 00:23:51,629
and me taking them out
one by one
635
00:23:51,662 --> 00:23:53,131
with old paperbacks
like they're ninja stars.
636
00:23:53,163 --> 00:23:54,199
And I'm going to bars
637
00:23:54,231 --> 00:23:56,166
acting like a crazy person,
getting kicked out.
638
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:57,969
And I don't care
if I'm not getting laid anymore.
639
00:23:58,001 --> 00:23:58,970
I don't care if I'm a nutjob.
640
00:23:59,002 --> 00:24:00,737
'Cause it's like writing
is getting me off.
641
00:24:00,770 --> 00:24:02,039
It's like I have
a writing wiener.
642
00:24:02,073 --> 00:24:03,641
- Dude, say "writing dick."
- No.
643
00:24:03,673 --> 00:24:05,676
Say "writing prick, cock,
wee-wee, johnson."
644
00:24:05,710 --> 00:24:07,644
And yeah, I missed
a baby yoga class once or twice,
645
00:24:07,678 --> 00:24:09,080
but those places
are creepy as heck anyway.
646
00:24:09,113 --> 00:24:10,215
Guys following me
around the building
647
00:24:10,248 --> 00:24:11,649
like sex offenders
or something.
648
00:24:11,682 --> 00:24:12,817
And yeah, I missed
an ultrasound.
649
00:24:12,849 --> 00:24:15,519
I know, I know,
I'm an asshole.
650
00:24:15,553 --> 00:24:17,121
I actually noticed
a few creepers too.
651
00:24:17,153 --> 00:24:18,690
You know, a weirdo
with a cowboy hat,
652
00:24:18,722 --> 00:24:20,124
but New York's a big place.
653
00:24:20,156 --> 00:24:21,792
Freaks are always lurking.
654
00:24:21,826 --> 00:24:23,795
Country is going to poop,
it's social media.
655
00:24:23,827 --> 00:24:25,663
But for once in our damn lives,
656
00:24:25,695 --> 00:24:27,197
we were doing something
that mattered.
657
00:24:27,230 --> 00:24:29,834
And Jacobi was gonna look
like an A-hole
658
00:24:29,866 --> 00:24:31,001
after we sold Arctic War.
659
00:24:31,035 --> 00:24:32,202
So we just needed one more push.
660
00:24:32,236 --> 00:24:34,572
Yeah, iron out some details
with the script, figure out
661
00:24:34,605 --> 00:24:37,040
how the bad guys actually make
the chemical weapon.
662
00:24:37,074 --> 00:24:37,908
I took a week off.
663
00:24:37,942 --> 00:24:39,978
Eric flies down,
I reschedule book club,
664
00:24:40,010 --> 00:24:42,614
and we lock ourselves
in a hotel room for a few days.
665
00:24:45,583 --> 00:24:48,653
There were two beds.
666
00:24:48,685 --> 00:24:50,120
Of course there were
two beds, Eric.
667
00:24:50,153 --> 00:24:52,523
Yeah, but it sounds weird
when you say it like that.
668
00:24:52,557 --> 00:24:54,224
Oh, what, what,
like we're sex partners?
669
00:24:54,258 --> 00:24:55,727
Is that what
you're worried about?
670
00:24:55,759 --> 00:24:57,060
No, dude, I'm not worried, okay?
671
00:24:57,094 --> 00:24:59,530
I am totally comfortable
with my sexuality.
672
00:24:59,564 --> 00:25:01,599
Oh, he's totally comfortable
with his sexuality.
673
00:25:01,632 --> 00:25:02,834
Yeah, I'm totally comfortable
with it.
674
00:25:02,866 --> 00:25:04,269
Oh, sure, okay.
675
00:25:04,301 --> 00:25:05,769
Sean knows the story.
676
00:25:05,803 --> 00:25:09,007
I once had a coworker
at a Christmas party...
677
00:25:14,979 --> 00:25:17,148
So the past few months were
like emails and phone calls.
678
00:25:17,181 --> 00:25:19,317
It was good to be working
together, internet silence...
679
00:25:19,349 --> 00:25:21,685
Let me tell you something,
if Gene Hackman
680
00:25:21,719 --> 00:25:23,054
called me up tonight
and was like,
681
00:25:23,086 --> 00:25:25,289
"Hey, Eric, I want to come over
and cuddle with you,"
682
00:25:25,323 --> 00:25:27,125
I would totally be
the big spoon.
683
00:25:27,157 --> 00:25:28,825
That is a terrible
Gene Hackman.
684
00:25:28,858 --> 00:25:30,028
That was a great
Gene Hackman.
685
00:25:30,060 --> 00:25:31,562
- No, it is not.
- Yes, it is.
686
00:25:31,596 --> 00:25:32,963
Why are you thinking
about Gene Hackman?
687
00:25:32,997 --> 00:25:35,866
Because Gene Hackman is
the greatest actor of all time.
688
00:25:35,900 --> 00:25:37,735
- What, how?
- Geronimo, The Firm,
689
00:25:37,768 --> 00:25:40,171
The Package, The Conversation,
Hoosiers, Blue Chips.
690
00:25:40,203 --> 00:25:41,806
Are you only naming
basketball movies?
691
00:25:41,838 --> 00:25:45,042
- Space Jam.
- Eric, shut up.
692
00:25:45,076 --> 00:25:47,845
Listen, we needed
to get together
693
00:25:47,877 --> 00:25:49,079
to make something
to be proud of,
694
00:25:49,113 --> 00:25:50,347
to make a script
to be proud of,
695
00:25:50,381 --> 00:25:52,551
and to make our families proud.
696
00:25:54,317 --> 00:25:57,087
God, we were so dumb.
697
00:26:08,298 --> 00:26:11,001
Is there anything
more satisfying
698
00:26:11,035 --> 00:26:13,104
than cleaning your ears
after the shower?
699
00:26:13,136 --> 00:26:14,806
Yeah, man, taking a shit.
700
00:26:14,838 --> 00:26:15,906
In the shower?
701
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:18,375
Yeah.
702
00:26:18,409 --> 00:26:22,180
Dude, I... I still can't
figure out the frigging ending.
703
00:26:22,212 --> 00:26:24,248
I know, I was trying
to brainstorm ideas.
704
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:25,716
Well, you know what
that means then.
705
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:27,785
- What?
- We'll figure it out at the bar.
706
00:26:27,817 --> 00:26:28,920
Vámonos.
707
00:26:28,952 --> 00:26:30,788
Let's get some drinky-poos, huh?
708
00:26:30,820 --> 00:26:34,791
Tequila time!
709
00:26:37,060 --> 00:26:39,062
You, uh, call room service
or something?
710
00:26:39,096 --> 00:26:40,230
Mm-mm.
711
00:26:41,432 --> 00:26:42,933
- Want me to get it?
- Yeah.
712
00:26:42,967 --> 00:26:44,869
I'll get it, yeah,
you just sit there.
713
00:26:44,902 --> 00:26:47,337
I've been comfortably relaxed
for the past ten minutes
714
00:26:47,371 --> 00:26:49,641
while you've been standing
in the shower, cool.
715
00:26:49,673 --> 00:26:52,210
Hope you clean those toenails.
716
00:26:53,877 --> 00:26:55,078
Can I help you?
No, no, no!
717
00:26:56,346 --> 00:26:59,116
You'd think an action movie
writer could defend himself.
718
00:26:59,150 --> 00:26:59,984
No!
719
00:27:00,018 --> 00:27:02,687
Figure a way out
of a bad situation.
720
00:27:03,854 --> 00:27:05,323
Save the day.
721
00:27:05,355 --> 00:27:07,157
Be a hero.
722
00:27:07,191 --> 00:27:10,028
Instead, I shat my pants.
723
00:27:16,267 --> 00:27:17,902
- Sean?
- Yeah?
724
00:27:17,934 --> 00:27:20,771
It smells like doo-doo.
725
00:27:20,805 --> 00:27:22,240
I recently caught our neighbor
getting dressed by her window
726
00:27:22,272 --> 00:27:24,174
- and I kinda watched.
- Seriously? Sinner!
727
00:27:24,208 --> 00:27:25,677
I didn't do anything else,
I promise.
728
00:27:25,710 --> 00:27:27,211
- Sinner!
- Screw you, like you're perfect.
729
00:27:27,243 --> 00:27:29,246
No, I mean, listen,
I download movies sometimes,
730
00:27:29,279 --> 00:27:30,847
but who would lock me
in some basement?
731
00:27:30,881 --> 00:27:32,917
Right, of course,
of course this is you.
732
00:27:32,950 --> 00:27:36,019
I-I-I-I knew, I knew
you would somehow screw this up.
733
00:27:36,053 --> 00:27:38,356
This is totally you, you're
the reason we're kidnapped.
734
00:27:38,388 --> 00:27:40,390
Me? You are
the rear-view window pervert.
735
00:27:40,423 --> 00:27:41,725
- This is not my fault.
- Oh, yeah, right,
736
00:27:41,759 --> 00:27:42,926
like last time
it wasn't your fault.
737
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:44,194
- Everything you touch gets...
- Listen, that was different.
738
00:27:44,228 --> 00:27:47,832
I'm a freaking stay-at-home dad
now, who would do this to me?
739
00:27:51,801 --> 00:27:54,438
Hey there, boys.
740
00:28:00,044 --> 00:28:01,713
It's like a cowboy.
741
00:28:01,746 --> 00:28:04,382
Flannel jeans, cowboy hat,
skinny as all heck.
742
00:28:04,414 --> 00:28:06,216
Yeah, I can fucking see him,
dude.
743
00:28:06,250 --> 00:28:09,353
I'm sure you boys are wondering
why you're here.
744
00:28:09,385 --> 00:28:11,189
- Allow me to explain...
- I'm sorry I downloaded
745
00:28:11,221 --> 00:28:12,123
"Game of Thrones."
746
00:28:12,155 --> 00:28:13,957
This ain't about no game.
747
00:28:13,990 --> 00:28:15,158
I only watched her
get dressed twice.
748
00:28:15,192 --> 00:28:16,359
I swear I didn't jerk off.
749
00:28:16,393 --> 00:28:18,462
- Twice, Eric, seriously?
- I don't know, man.
750
00:28:22,767 --> 00:28:27,004
Now I want to talk
about what you boys are writing.
751
00:28:27,037 --> 00:28:28,206
Oh, writing?
752
00:28:28,239 --> 00:28:29,874
I do not understand.
753
00:28:29,906 --> 00:28:32,909
You boys are writing
a screenplay if I understand it,
754
00:28:32,942 --> 00:28:35,246
and the script
has got us curious.
755
00:28:35,278 --> 00:28:37,515
- Who is us?
- People that might be curious
756
00:28:37,548 --> 00:28:39,784
with all your emails.
757
00:28:39,817 --> 00:28:41,519
Huge tent, 80-by-40, send.
758
00:28:41,551 --> 00:28:44,288
Guests and staff
of over a thousand, send.
759
00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:46,790
Guarded by all sides,
aerial and below,
760
00:28:46,824 --> 00:28:48,759
everywhere, send.
761
00:28:48,792 --> 00:28:50,994
And with the president's
daughter's wedding coming up,
762
00:28:51,028 --> 00:28:54,097
we just had a few questions
about what you two are sending.
763
00:28:54,131 --> 00:28:56,367
Oh, no, no, no,
this is just a mix-up.
764
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:57,935
We're just writing
a movie, dude.
765
00:28:57,968 --> 00:28:58,969
Don't call him "dude."
766
00:28:59,002 --> 00:29:01,071
We're just writing a movie, sir,
just a movie.
767
00:29:01,105 --> 00:29:02,839
And we don't live near
each other, so we email, okay?
768
00:29:02,873 --> 00:29:04,776
- It's an action movie.
- With an unlikely hero.
769
00:29:04,808 --> 00:29:06,176
Well, we couldn't help
but notice
770
00:29:06,210 --> 00:29:08,278
that y'all stopped
this past week.
771
00:29:08,311 --> 00:29:10,280
That's 'cause we're
figuring it out together,
772
00:29:10,314 --> 00:29:11,382
internet silence, and...
773
00:29:11,414 --> 00:29:13,084
Oh, shit.
774
00:29:13,116 --> 00:29:15,252
FBI, NSA.
775
00:29:15,286 --> 00:29:16,354
Who writes
about this chemical crap?
776
00:29:16,386 --> 00:29:17,554
Of course somebody
would notice us.
777
00:29:17,587 --> 00:29:18,923
"Oh, it's the 21st century,
778
00:29:18,955 --> 00:29:19,890
you could do anything
with computers.
779
00:29:19,923 --> 00:29:21,558
We'll send some emails,
have a few laughs."
780
00:29:21,592 --> 00:29:22,560
It was your idea, McClane.
781
00:29:22,593 --> 00:29:23,628
You're the one who wanted
to do a wedding.
782
00:29:23,661 --> 00:29:26,264
Sir, this is just
a big misunderstanding, okay?
783
00:29:26,297 --> 00:29:27,498
What you read was a movie.
784
00:29:27,531 --> 00:29:31,401
Now you boys are gonna explain
to us how that script ends,
785
00:29:31,434 --> 00:29:33,104
for the safety of the country.
786
00:29:33,136 --> 00:29:35,272
We haven't figured that out yet,
that's why we met.
787
00:29:35,306 --> 00:29:37,074
- Nothing illegal.
- How does it end?
788
00:29:37,106 --> 00:29:38,442
Uh, with the credits?
789
00:29:38,474 --> 00:29:39,642
Don't shoot, okay!
790
00:29:39,675 --> 00:29:42,145
Third acts are just drawn-out,
over-the-top chase scenes.
791
00:29:42,179 --> 00:29:44,015
And we didn't mean anything
with the emails.
792
00:29:44,048 --> 00:29:45,383
It was research,
we're just writers.
793
00:29:45,415 --> 00:29:47,184
Not even writers,
I buy ads on the internet.
794
00:29:47,218 --> 00:29:48,586
I change poopy diapers all day.
795
00:29:48,618 --> 00:29:49,619
We have families, man.
796
00:29:49,653 --> 00:29:52,522
- Don't call him "man."
- We have families, sir.
797
00:29:52,556 --> 00:29:54,192
Okay, we're not what you think.
798
00:29:54,224 --> 00:29:55,326
Enough.
799
00:29:57,060 --> 00:29:58,995
Hey, hey!
800
00:29:59,028 --> 00:30:00,832
Hey, where are you going?
801
00:30:00,865 --> 00:30:02,232
Where are you going?!
802
00:30:06,470 --> 00:30:08,471
Don't... don't we get
a phone call?
803
00:30:08,505 --> 00:30:11,042
We're tied to chairs,
this is clearly top-secret.
804
00:30:11,075 --> 00:30:13,076
- Like Area 51?
- Oh, just stop it.
805
00:30:14,979 --> 00:30:16,247
Warn a guy.
806
00:30:18,015 --> 00:30:19,917
Hey, you see that?
807
00:30:19,950 --> 00:30:21,419
To the side.
808
00:30:21,451 --> 00:30:23,887
There's, uh, some kind
of glass two-way mirror thing.
809
00:30:23,921 --> 00:30:25,489
It's slowly focusing.
810
00:30:25,521 --> 00:30:28,091
What's behind it,
dudes in lab coats or something?
811
00:30:28,125 --> 00:30:29,626
I can't see yet,
maybe the president
812
00:30:29,660 --> 00:30:31,528
or the vice president
with his shitty tweets.
813
00:30:31,561 --> 00:30:33,496
"The president's daughter's
wedding will be YOLO."
814
00:30:33,529 --> 00:30:35,132
What does that even mean?
815
00:30:37,367 --> 00:30:38,970
Jesus.
816
00:30:39,002 --> 00:30:41,137
It's a room like ours,
those guys are on the floor.
817
00:30:41,171 --> 00:30:42,640
They're all fucked up.
818
00:30:42,673 --> 00:30:44,241
Beaten, bloody, there's a bone
819
00:30:44,275 --> 00:30:46,177
sticking out of one
of their arms.
820
00:30:46,210 --> 00:30:50,314
- What is this?
- It was just a screenplay.
821
00:30:50,346 --> 00:30:51,581
Oh my God,
someone just went in there.
822
00:30:51,615 --> 00:30:52,883
Uh, it's not the cowboy.
823
00:30:52,916 --> 00:30:55,586
It's a dude dressed in black,
huge muscles, 'roided out,
824
00:30:55,618 --> 00:30:57,254
and holy crap, that's...
825
00:30:57,288 --> 00:30:58,489
- What?
- That's... on the floor.
826
00:30:58,521 --> 00:30:59,589
- One of the guys.
- No way.
827
00:30:59,623 --> 00:31:01,158
The hair, the jaw,
828
00:31:01,191 --> 00:31:02,626
the Dick Tracy-looking
motherf'er.
829
00:31:02,660 --> 00:31:04,195
- No way.
- Jacobi.
830
00:31:04,228 --> 00:31:06,497
What the heck is Jacobi
and another guy doing
831
00:31:06,529 --> 00:31:08,164
in the next room
with a crappy?
832
00:31:08,198 --> 00:31:10,067
That's the writing partner,
I met him at the wedding.
833
00:31:10,099 --> 00:31:12,302
Oh, maybe everyone we know
is in here, our families,
834
00:31:12,336 --> 00:31:13,471
everything we've been
writing about.
835
00:31:13,503 --> 00:31:15,205
Oh, look at that blade,
he pulled out a big-ass knife.
836
00:31:15,239 --> 00:31:16,307
Oh my God, he's gonna do it.
837
00:31:16,339 --> 00:31:17,641
He just smiled at me.
838
00:31:17,674 --> 00:31:19,175
That fucking freak
just smiled at me.
839
00:31:19,209 --> 00:31:20,411
He's got black eyes, man.
840
00:31:20,443 --> 00:31:21,678
Black eyes, man.
841
00:31:28,719 --> 00:31:32,256
Breathe, breathe.
842
00:31:33,390 --> 00:31:36,928
Give me a freaking break,
we called it Arctic War.
843
00:31:41,965 --> 00:31:43,067
Black Eyes!
844
00:31:51,107 --> 00:31:53,376
Shit.
845
00:31:53,410 --> 00:31:54,946
What do I do?
846
00:31:56,079 --> 00:31:57,314
Get away, come on!
847
00:31:57,347 --> 00:31:58,950
Get up!
848
00:32:00,517 --> 00:32:02,053
No, no!
849
00:32:07,657 --> 00:32:11,661
Let go of him, you black-eyed,
cock-sucking motherfucker!
850
00:32:12,695 --> 00:32:15,231
How does your screenplay end?
851
00:32:15,265 --> 00:32:17,134
- Where is he?
- He's over a loudspeaker.
852
00:32:17,166 --> 00:32:19,436
All we want to know
is how it ends.
853
00:32:19,470 --> 00:32:22,038
He smells like rotten gasoline
and burnt pubes.
854
00:32:22,071 --> 00:32:23,139
Tick-tock, tick-tock...
855
00:32:23,173 --> 00:32:24,674
I don't fucking know
how it ends.
856
00:32:24,708 --> 00:32:26,544
...tock, tick-tock...
857
00:32:26,576 --> 00:32:29,279
Um, um, um...
858
00:32:29,313 --> 00:32:31,115
A kid saves the day at the end.
859
00:32:31,147 --> 00:32:33,116
- What?
- I'm just thinking, Eric.
860
00:32:33,150 --> 00:32:34,485
My throat's about to be slit.
861
00:32:34,518 --> 00:32:35,987
- Now think.
- No.
862
00:32:36,019 --> 00:32:37,187
The hero's kid,
they're estranged...
863
00:32:37,221 --> 00:32:39,289
No, we've gone over this
a hundred thousand times, okay?
864
00:32:39,323 --> 00:32:41,659
Kids can't stop bad guys,
it's not real.
865
00:32:41,692 --> 00:32:46,063
And the kid has a special skill
we only hint at in act one.
866
00:32:46,096 --> 00:32:47,765
But how do they blow up
the tent?
867
00:32:47,798 --> 00:32:50,601
We need to know
for the safety of the country.
868
00:32:50,634 --> 00:32:54,005
Um, yeah, yeah, the bad guys,
they, uh, they get ready,
869
00:32:54,038 --> 00:32:55,605
and a special skill,
special skill.
870
00:32:55,638 --> 00:32:56,673
Do it, Eric, do it.
871
00:32:56,707 --> 00:32:59,143
And, uh, right when the bad guys
are almost ready...
872
00:32:59,175 --> 00:33:02,212
Special skill, special skill,
do it, Eric, do it, do it!
873
00:33:10,287 --> 00:33:11,288
Ooh!
874
00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:12,389
Sliced down the middle,
875
00:33:12,423 --> 00:33:14,625
split like a seared dick.
876
00:33:14,657 --> 00:33:16,226
Oh my God.
877
00:33:16,259 --> 00:33:17,461
Oh my God, I just...
878
00:33:17,493 --> 00:33:19,230
Come on, cut me free,
come on, we gotta go.
879
00:33:19,262 --> 00:33:20,330
We gotta go, let's go,
let's go, let's go.
880
00:33:20,364 --> 00:33:22,799
- Oh, gross, you got puke on me.
- You shat your pants.
881
00:33:24,201 --> 00:33:25,336
- Let's go!
- Let's go!
882
00:33:26,304 --> 00:33:28,305
Where are we?
How long is this hallway?
883
00:33:28,337 --> 00:33:30,540
I don't know, it's dark
and dank like the room.
884
00:33:30,574 --> 00:33:32,243
Like some underground lair
or something.
885
00:33:32,276 --> 00:33:34,045
Solitary confinement
at the Rock.
886
00:33:34,077 --> 00:33:36,146
"Winners sleep
with the prom queen."
887
00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:38,282
That is a really bad
Sean Connery.
888
00:33:38,315 --> 00:33:39,283
Go, shit!
889
00:33:39,316 --> 00:33:40,351
Just keep going.
890
00:33:40,384 --> 00:33:41,618
There's doors along the hallway.
891
00:33:41,652 --> 00:33:43,120
What if there's more people
in there?
892
00:33:43,153 --> 00:33:44,622
Oh, Jacobi, poor Jacobi.
893
00:33:44,654 --> 00:33:46,257
Go or we're dead,
he's probably dead.
894
00:33:46,289 --> 00:33:47,157
Oh, another corner.
895
00:33:47,191 --> 00:33:48,625
There's fucking cages
in that room,
896
00:33:48,659 --> 00:33:50,361
cages filled
with at least 20 guys.
897
00:33:50,394 --> 00:33:52,195
- Hostages?
- Twenty nerdy-looking guys
898
00:33:52,229 --> 00:33:53,197
locked up.
899
00:33:53,230 --> 00:33:54,298
Go, go!
900
00:33:54,330 --> 00:33:55,498
The guys are getting closer.
901
00:33:55,531 --> 00:33:56,833
Black eyes, sliced lips.
902
00:33:56,866 --> 00:33:57,968
What Black guys?
903
00:33:58,001 --> 00:34:01,404
I didn't say "Black guys," Eric,
I said "black eyes."
904
00:34:01,438 --> 00:34:03,607
I'm pretty sure
you said "Black guys."
905
00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:04,742
No, I didn't.
906
00:34:04,775 --> 00:34:06,076
Well, maybe when you're scared,
907
00:34:06,109 --> 00:34:07,477
you just naturally think
of Black guys.
908
00:34:07,510 --> 00:34:09,646
- I'm not racist...
- All I'm saying is you said...
909
00:34:09,679 --> 00:34:11,281
Eric, "The Color Purple"
is literally
910
00:34:11,315 --> 00:34:12,715
my favorite piece
of literature.
911
00:34:12,748 --> 00:34:14,651
Just run,
they're getting closer!
912
00:34:14,684 --> 00:34:15,652
Another corner.
913
00:34:15,686 --> 00:34:16,687
Oh, God.
914
00:34:18,155 --> 00:34:19,557
Dead end, we are so dead.
915
00:34:19,590 --> 00:34:21,258
Where's your ninja
throwing books now?
916
00:34:21,291 --> 00:34:22,359
I just want to go home.
917
00:34:22,391 --> 00:34:23,760
Wait, look below,
there's like a...
918
00:34:23,793 --> 00:34:26,563
there's like a sewer cap
or something, hold on.
919
00:34:29,166 --> 00:34:30,601
- Now what?
- What do you think?
920
00:34:30,634 --> 00:34:32,269
Oh, I'm just a stay-at-home dad.
921
00:34:32,302 --> 00:34:33,403
Jump!
922
00:34:50,219 --> 00:34:52,388
- You all right?
- Yeah.
923
00:34:52,422 --> 00:34:54,324
- You?
- Mm-hmm.
924
00:34:56,226 --> 00:34:58,695
I, uh, I can barely see
any light.
925
00:34:58,728 --> 00:35:02,165
It's maybe 10, 15 feet above us.
926
00:35:04,168 --> 00:35:08,472
I, uh, I think I can see
one of them.
927
00:35:08,505 --> 00:35:11,876
We'll make our own ending.
928
00:35:17,380 --> 00:35:20,317
They put the sewer cap
back on, didn't they?
929
00:35:20,349 --> 00:35:22,886
Smells like vomit and doo-doo.
930
00:35:24,954 --> 00:35:27,724
- What are you doing?
- Hold on a second.
931
00:35:27,757 --> 00:35:30,193
Hold on.
932
00:35:35,231 --> 00:35:36,833
What?
933
00:35:36,867 --> 00:35:38,502
Where did that come from?
934
00:35:38,534 --> 00:35:39,603
My undies.
935
00:35:39,635 --> 00:35:40,771
- Your undies?
- Yeah.
936
00:35:40,804 --> 00:35:43,440
Whenever I have weed in public,
I keep it in my underwear.
937
00:35:43,472 --> 00:35:45,442
- Why do you have weed?
- Well, years ago,
938
00:35:45,474 --> 00:35:47,377
I got stopped and frisked
at a concert,
939
00:35:47,411 --> 00:35:49,880
and the cop literally put his
hands on my junk and I just...
940
00:35:49,913 --> 00:35:51,782
Eric, I don't care
about you keeping weed
941
00:35:51,815 --> 00:35:53,250
up your butthole right now.
942
00:35:53,282 --> 00:35:54,284
It's not in my butthole,
943
00:35:54,318 --> 00:35:56,887
it's in a plastic bag
by my butthole, okay?
944
00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:59,389
I take the, uh, the joint,
I take the lighter,
945
00:35:59,422 --> 00:36:01,558
I fold it up
in the plastic bag,
946
00:36:01,592 --> 00:36:03,693
and I tuck it safely
in between the spot
947
00:36:03,726 --> 00:36:05,429
between my shaft and my balls.
948
00:36:05,461 --> 00:36:07,431
- What is going on?
- Sometimes the plastic bag,
949
00:36:07,463 --> 00:36:08,831
it scrapes my testicles,
but overall,
950
00:36:08,864 --> 00:36:10,800
it's a pretty perfect
hiding spot.
951
00:36:10,833 --> 00:36:12,402
Ow, this fricking lighter
gets hot.
952
00:36:12,436 --> 00:36:14,271
Do you, uh, do you mind
holding that?
953
00:36:14,304 --> 00:36:15,639
It was just in your grundle.
954
00:36:15,672 --> 00:36:17,641
In a plastic bag
by my grundle.
955
00:36:17,673 --> 00:36:19,376
Eric!
956
00:36:19,409 --> 00:36:20,376
Um...
957
00:36:21,277 --> 00:36:22,413
I'm just, uh...
958
00:36:30,253 --> 00:36:31,422
It's okay.
959
00:36:31,454 --> 00:36:33,223
Just stay with me, all right?
960
00:36:35,358 --> 00:36:37,961
- God.
- I'm here, I'm here.
961
00:36:40,429 --> 00:36:42,565
I sliced a guy's face.
962
00:36:45,668 --> 00:36:47,837
What... what was that...
what was that noise?
963
00:36:47,871 --> 00:36:49,340
Relax, Sean, just breathe.
964
00:36:49,373 --> 00:36:51,508
Relax? We fell 15 feet
into some cave,
965
00:36:51,541 --> 00:36:53,677
and you just want me to relax?
966
00:36:53,710 --> 00:36:55,278
Sean, it's gonna be okay,
all right?
967
00:36:55,311 --> 00:36:57,447
We just need to focus
like you said, all right?
968
00:36:57,481 --> 00:37:00,818
Now breathe, breathe, breathe...
969
00:37:00,851 --> 00:37:05,489
- I'm breathing, Eric.
- In, out, in, out.
970
00:37:05,521 --> 00:37:07,790
- I got it.
- Let it all flow through you.
971
00:37:07,824 --> 00:37:09,492
Every little inch.
972
00:37:09,525 --> 00:37:11,361
- Would you stop?
- It's Lamaze.
973
00:37:11,394 --> 00:37:12,563
Yeah, well, are we giving birth?
974
00:37:12,596 --> 00:37:14,798
- It's a stressful situation.
- I know it's stressful,
975
00:37:14,831 --> 00:37:17,001
but breathing isn't really
helping much right now.
976
00:37:17,034 --> 00:37:19,836
Okay, fine, um,
just shut up for a second.
977
00:37:19,869 --> 00:37:21,739
Uh, let me think about this.
978
00:37:23,706 --> 00:37:25,009
You shut up.
979
00:37:25,041 --> 00:37:27,443
Sean, do you really want
to do this right now?
980
00:37:27,476 --> 00:37:29,012
- Shut up your face.
- Would you stop it?
981
00:37:29,045 --> 00:37:30,847
No, I don't have to stop
if I don't want to stop.
982
00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:33,449
- Just shut the fuck up, dude.
- Oh, throw the F word in there,
983
00:37:33,483 --> 00:37:34,918
- aren't you clever?
- Oh, what does that mean?
984
00:37:34,951 --> 00:37:38,021
Yeah, no wonder you're such
a crappy writer.
985
00:37:38,054 --> 00:37:40,523
Really?
986
00:37:40,556 --> 00:37:42,558
Really, that's what you want
to talk about right now?
987
00:37:42,592 --> 00:37:43,527
When people are getting shot at?
988
00:37:43,559 --> 00:37:45,061
Well, we're at the bottom
of some cave.
989
00:37:45,094 --> 00:37:46,429
We have all the time
in the world.
990
00:37:46,463 --> 00:37:47,798
Well, let's go over
the facts, okay?
991
00:37:47,831 --> 00:37:50,401
We sent some emails
and then we got kidnapped,
992
00:37:50,434 --> 00:37:51,335
and that's it, all right?
993
00:37:51,369 --> 00:37:52,702
Are you hearing anything
that I'm saying?
994
00:37:52,735 --> 00:37:53,871
Yeah, I hear you, fuck-face.
995
00:37:53,903 --> 00:37:54,871
I'm not a shitty writer.
996
00:37:54,905 --> 00:37:57,341
- There you are.
- Because if I was so shitty,
997
00:37:57,373 --> 00:37:58,608
we wouldn't be kidnapped
right now.
998
00:37:58,641 --> 00:37:59,442
My idea was so good,
999
00:37:59,476 --> 00:38:00,744
the government thought
it was real.
1000
00:38:00,777 --> 00:38:02,378
Ha, there, you just admitted it.
1001
00:38:02,411 --> 00:38:04,714
This is your fault.
I'm gonna die because of you.
1002
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:11,989
I'm sorry, okay?
1003
00:38:12,021 --> 00:38:13,923
I don't know what's going on,
I'm confused...
1004
00:38:13,956 --> 00:38:14,991
It's fine.
1005
00:38:15,025 --> 00:38:17,461
Whenever you're stressed,
you screw things up.
1006
00:38:17,494 --> 00:38:18,461
I didn't want to bring this up,
1007
00:38:18,494 --> 00:38:19,630
I didn't want to have
to talk about that,
1008
00:38:19,663 --> 00:38:22,032
but of course, you just
can't keep your mouth shut.
1009
00:38:22,065 --> 00:38:24,367
Eric, I said...
I said that I would...
1010
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:25,702
No, no, whenever
you're nervous...
1011
00:38:25,735 --> 00:38:27,804
You don't have to... don't say
you're sorry to me again, okay?
1012
00:38:27,838 --> 00:38:29,006
Whenever you're nervous,
you do this, okay?
1013
00:38:29,039 --> 00:38:32,376
You know, I might zone out,
but you go on a downward spiral.
1014
00:38:32,409 --> 00:38:34,010
You did it five years ago
with our writing
1015
00:38:34,043 --> 00:38:35,578
and you're doing it again now.
1016
00:38:35,612 --> 00:38:38,449
When I did, damn it,
Leah and I were fighting a lot,
1017
00:38:38,481 --> 00:38:40,083
I didn't have a job,
I didn't know what I was doing,
1018
00:38:40,117 --> 00:38:41,852
so you have to understand,
man...
1019
00:38:41,885 --> 00:38:43,454
Everyone has their shit, Sean!
1020
00:38:43,487 --> 00:38:45,889
Everyone has their shit.
1021
00:38:45,922 --> 00:38:48,125
It doesn't mean you need
to show up to a meeting
1022
00:38:48,157 --> 00:38:51,127
drunk and coked out of your mind
and running your mouth.
1023
00:38:51,161 --> 00:38:52,863
I'm trying
to explain myself, man.
1024
00:38:52,896 --> 00:38:54,498
We worked on that for months!
1025
00:38:54,530 --> 00:38:55,632
We had something special, okay?
1026
00:38:55,666 --> 00:38:58,602
I put my credibility on the line
to get us that meeting.
1027
00:38:58,635 --> 00:39:01,638
I had to apologize
to my boss's wife, to my boss.
1028
00:39:01,670 --> 00:39:03,873
I nearly lost my job, I had to
kiss his ass for months, okay?
1029
00:39:03,907 --> 00:39:07,644
All because you got scared
and stoned and stressed
1030
00:39:07,677 --> 00:39:08,846
and screwed it all up!
1031
00:39:08,878 --> 00:39:10,646
- How many times...
- And you know what?
1032
00:39:10,679 --> 00:39:12,515
Five years later,
we're even more screwed.
1033
00:39:12,548 --> 00:39:13,916
So let me... let me give you
a word of advice.
1034
00:39:13,949 --> 00:39:15,085
Don't fucking say anything,
okay?
1035
00:39:15,117 --> 00:39:16,052
Let me give you
a word of advice.
1036
00:39:16,085 --> 00:39:18,121
Keep your mouth shut,
keep your head down,
1037
00:39:18,155 --> 00:39:20,423
and maybe,
just maybe,
1038
00:39:20,456 --> 00:39:23,793
maybe we'll get
out of this alive.
1039
00:39:23,827 --> 00:39:25,529
- You shut up.
- No, you shut up.
1040
00:39:25,561 --> 00:39:27,830
- Just shut up your face.
- Look, I'm not doing this, Sean.
1041
00:39:27,864 --> 00:39:29,532
- I'm not listening to you.
- Oh, really?
1042
00:39:29,565 --> 00:39:30,733
Eric's not listening?
1043
00:39:30,766 --> 00:39:32,935
What a surprise, everyone,
Eric's not listening to me!
1044
00:39:32,969 --> 00:39:36,472
You know what,
I am so tired of your grudges,
1045
00:39:36,505 --> 00:39:38,674
of me constantly having
to apologize to you
1046
00:39:38,708 --> 00:39:40,644
like you're perfect
and I'm the screw-up.
1047
00:39:40,677 --> 00:39:42,613
All you do is ignore me.
1048
00:39:42,646 --> 00:39:43,881
You know what?
1049
00:39:43,914 --> 00:39:46,850
You probably ignore Emily too.
1050
00:39:48,885 --> 00:39:50,187
The fuck did you just say?
1051
00:39:50,219 --> 00:39:51,754
Yeah, yeah.
1052
00:39:51,788 --> 00:39:54,791
Just strutting around
with your fancy job
1053
00:39:54,824 --> 00:39:57,093
and your NYC apartment
just going, going,
1054
00:39:57,126 --> 00:39:59,028
not paying attention
to anyone that's around you.
1055
00:39:59,061 --> 00:40:01,697
I don't even like my job,
you insecure cunt.
1056
00:40:01,731 --> 00:40:02,766
Of course, throw it back on me.
1057
00:40:02,798 --> 00:40:04,601
You know, it's not Jacobi
you're jealous of,
1058
00:40:04,634 --> 00:40:05,702
- it's everyone.
- Oh, you're really
1059
00:40:05,735 --> 00:40:06,870
gonna bring him up right now?
1060
00:40:06,902 --> 00:40:08,204
- That is a low blow, man.
- Just because you left the city
1061
00:40:08,237 --> 00:40:09,405
'cause you couldn't get a job,
1062
00:40:09,438 --> 00:40:11,107
it doesn't mean you have to
blame me or blame anyone.
1063
00:40:11,141 --> 00:40:12,742
I left the city
to start a family.
1064
00:40:12,775 --> 00:40:14,911
And you have some
motherfucking nerve
1065
00:40:14,945 --> 00:40:16,914
talking about me and Emily
with how that's going.
1066
00:40:16,947 --> 00:40:18,215
- What does that mean?
- You and Leah
1067
00:40:18,248 --> 00:40:21,083
haven't had sex in eight months,
eight months!
1068
00:40:21,117 --> 00:40:22,486
You're more concerned
about flirting
1069
00:40:22,518 --> 00:40:25,455
with chubby cashiers
and book club moms.
1070
00:40:25,489 --> 00:40:28,025
And you're too bored to have sex
with your own wife
1071
00:40:28,057 --> 00:40:28,826
'cause it means
you might actually have to
1072
00:40:28,858 --> 00:40:30,561
- connect with her.
- I'm bored?
1073
00:40:30,594 --> 00:40:32,596
- Yes, you're bored.
- I'm bored? I'm bored?
1074
00:40:32,628 --> 00:40:34,931
You practically begged me
at the wedding to write with you
1075
00:40:34,965 --> 00:40:36,233
- because you're so bored!
- Oh, please!
1076
00:40:36,266 --> 00:40:37,668
You're the one
that called me back,
1077
00:40:37,701 --> 00:40:39,635
"Oh, red dress, full lips."
1078
00:40:39,668 --> 00:40:40,971
All you do is distract yourself!
1079
00:40:41,003 --> 00:40:42,572
And all you do
is fuck things up,
1080
00:40:42,606 --> 00:40:44,675
and that is gonna get us killed.
1081
00:40:49,813 --> 00:40:51,248
You really think
we're gonna die?
1082
00:40:54,184 --> 00:40:56,086
I don't know, man.
1083
00:41:01,557 --> 00:41:02,925
- Ow!
- What?
1084
00:41:02,958 --> 00:41:06,963
Something bit me...
ow, ow, ow, ow!
1085
00:41:06,996 --> 00:41:10,266
What the hell's going on?
1086
00:41:10,300 --> 00:41:12,169
We got mother-humping rats
in this mother-humping cave.
1087
00:41:12,202 --> 00:41:14,671
Rats, I hate rats.
1088
00:41:14,704 --> 00:41:16,840
- Ow, ow!
- Agh!
1089
00:41:16,873 --> 00:41:17,840
They're biting my ankles!
1090
00:41:17,873 --> 00:41:20,109
- We can use them.
- Use them?
1091
00:41:20,143 --> 00:41:23,213
They're not attacking us,
they're going past us.
1092
00:41:23,246 --> 00:41:24,847
Over there, that's our way out!
1093
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:26,549
- You're a genius.
- Oh, I thought I was an idiot.
1094
00:41:26,583 --> 00:41:28,085
- And I hold a grudge.
- Okay.
1095
00:41:33,824 --> 00:41:35,692
It's like a...
it's like a tunnel, man.
1096
00:41:35,724 --> 00:41:37,960
Maybe, uh...
1097
00:41:37,994 --> 00:41:40,963
maybe we should wait for them
to go past
1098
00:41:40,996 --> 00:41:42,164
and we get out of here, huh?
1099
00:41:42,197 --> 00:41:43,432
We can't wait, Eric.
1100
00:41:43,465 --> 00:41:45,935
If they're running, there's
a reason they're running.
1101
00:41:47,737 --> 00:41:48,570
There's smoke
filling the hallways.
1102
00:41:48,605 --> 00:41:51,007
Oh, what is this,
The Hunger Games?
1103
00:41:51,041 --> 00:41:52,175
Maybe, maybe it's the cowboy
1104
00:41:52,208 --> 00:41:53,577
or Black Eyes is trying
to flush us out.
1105
00:41:53,610 --> 00:41:55,045
Okay, you know what,
I'm gonna go first.
1106
00:41:55,077 --> 00:41:56,780
I'll push 'em out of the way.
1107
00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:06,188
And you think I'm a pussy.
1108
00:42:06,222 --> 00:42:08,158
I'm no pussy...
oh my god, this is gross!
1109
00:42:08,190 --> 00:42:09,926
- This is really gross!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
1110
00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:11,994
I'm going,
I'm bushwhacking these mofos.
1111
00:42:12,027 --> 00:42:13,763
It's like we're tunneling
through Shawshank.
1112
00:42:13,797 --> 00:42:15,865
Get busy living
or get busy dying.
1113
00:42:15,898 --> 00:42:17,034
Really, Tim Robbins?
1114
00:42:17,067 --> 00:42:18,335
Who does
a Tim Robbins impression?
1115
00:42:18,367 --> 00:42:19,536
Smoke is filling up,
we got seconds, man.
1116
00:42:19,568 --> 00:42:22,806
I'm going, I'm going,
I see a dim light ahead of us.
1117
00:42:22,838 --> 00:42:23,907
Oh, there's more rats,
more rats!
1118
00:42:23,940 --> 00:42:26,342
Ah, something bit my finger!
1119
00:42:26,376 --> 00:42:28,845
There's a sewer cap ahead of us,
there's a sewer cap.
1120
00:42:28,878 --> 00:42:30,948
I'm gonna push it open,
I'm gonna push it open.
1121
00:42:33,282 --> 00:42:35,751
Oh, fudge.
1122
00:42:35,784 --> 00:42:39,255
The cowboy will be happy
I found you.
1123
00:42:58,208 --> 00:43:02,878
She was sitting on a stool
waiting for me.
1124
00:43:02,911 --> 00:43:06,782
Long, dark hair, tan skin,
just smiling.
1125
00:43:11,286 --> 00:43:13,089
Other guys are in here,
shot in the head.
1126
00:43:13,123 --> 00:43:15,826
Same thing that will happen
to me probably, because...
1127
00:43:18,193 --> 00:43:21,264
She's on her way back, I bet.
1128
00:43:21,297 --> 00:43:23,666
But you know,
1129
00:43:23,699 --> 00:43:27,370
I deserve to have
a woman kill me,
1130
00:43:27,403 --> 00:43:30,239
because the way I treated
my family was...
1131
00:43:32,708 --> 00:43:35,745
Leah, my girls,
1132
00:43:35,778 --> 00:43:39,016
they will never even find me.
1133
00:43:39,048 --> 00:43:40,250
The last thing
they'll remember
1134
00:43:40,282 --> 00:43:41,985
is that I vanished
to write for a few days,
1135
00:43:42,018 --> 00:43:44,121
that I would rather
make stuff up than...
1136
00:43:48,891 --> 00:43:51,861
Leah's got this soft, pale skin.
1137
00:43:53,996 --> 00:43:56,032
I used to tell her
it was angel skin.
1138
00:43:58,902 --> 00:44:01,338
And now I'll never
touch it again.
1139
00:44:03,106 --> 00:44:05,742
Because I'm done,
just like Er...
1140
00:44:08,244 --> 00:44:10,180
He must've got caught
in the tunnel
1141
00:44:10,213 --> 00:44:12,048
or she shot him, so...
1142
00:44:14,117 --> 00:44:15,686
He's gone.
1143
00:44:17,219 --> 00:44:18,922
I'm gone too.
1144
00:44:21,925 --> 00:44:23,093
Sean?
1145
00:44:23,126 --> 00:44:25,062
Who the hell
are you talking to?
1146
00:44:25,094 --> 00:44:26,696
Eric?
1147
00:44:26,730 --> 00:44:28,030
Where are you?
1148
00:44:28,063 --> 00:44:29,331
In the walls.
1149
00:44:29,364 --> 00:44:31,033
- What?
- I'm in the walls.
1150
00:44:31,067 --> 00:44:35,237
Someone pulled you out,
I kept crawling.
1151
00:44:35,271 --> 00:44:37,340
I thought you were dead.
1152
00:44:37,373 --> 00:44:38,875
I'll get you out of here.
1153
00:44:38,907 --> 00:44:39,976
What can you find?
1154
00:44:40,009 --> 00:44:41,344
It's a cage, man.
1155
00:44:41,376 --> 00:44:44,081
We're going
to figure this out.
1156
00:44:44,114 --> 00:44:45,215
Are you okay?
1157
00:44:45,248 --> 00:44:46,849
Don't worry about me.
1158
00:44:46,882 --> 00:44:48,417
Eric?
1159
00:44:48,451 --> 00:44:50,153
Damn rats, they, uh,
1160
00:44:50,186 --> 00:44:52,155
nearly took my pinky off.
1161
00:44:53,989 --> 00:44:57,193
Oh man, I wish we could smoke
that joint right now.
1162
00:44:57,226 --> 00:44:59,195
Well, I still have it
in my grundle, okay?
1163
00:44:59,228 --> 00:45:01,931
We'll save it for later.
1164
00:45:01,965 --> 00:45:03,800
Right.
1165
00:45:03,833 --> 00:45:06,936
Sean, we're going
to figure this out.
1166
00:45:08,070 --> 00:45:10,440
Eric, if, uh,
1167
00:45:10,472 --> 00:45:13,143
you get out of here,
will you just...
1168
00:45:13,175 --> 00:45:15,378
will you find my family
and just, uh...
1169
00:45:17,447 --> 00:45:19,883
...tell them they were better
than any story
1170
00:45:19,916 --> 00:45:22,085
I could've made up.
1171
00:45:22,117 --> 00:45:24,186
You can tell them yourself,
okay?
1172
00:45:24,219 --> 00:45:26,255
- Hm.
- I, uh...
1173
00:45:27,257 --> 00:45:29,291
I'm sorry for what I said
to you before.
1174
00:45:29,324 --> 00:45:31,827
It... no, don't be.
1175
00:45:31,860 --> 00:45:34,498
I talk too much, whenever
I'm scared I go on this...
1176
00:45:34,530 --> 00:45:39,034
No, no, I don't listen
and I don't forgive anyone.
1177
00:45:39,068 --> 00:45:40,903
Five years ago,
whatever happened between us,
1178
00:45:40,936 --> 00:45:42,038
I should've talked to you
about it,
1179
00:45:42,070 --> 00:45:43,472
but instead I just...
1180
00:45:45,074 --> 00:45:46,842
You were more than
just selling a script.
1181
00:45:46,876 --> 00:45:48,478
You were my friend.
1182
00:45:48,510 --> 00:45:51,081
You still are my friend.
1183
00:45:51,114 --> 00:45:53,083
I thought we were
just business partners.
1184
00:45:53,115 --> 00:45:55,518
Listen, Sean,
when I was growing up,
1185
00:45:55,552 --> 00:45:56,720
writing was my only escape.
1186
00:45:56,753 --> 00:45:59,823
It was either that, drinking,
or fucking killing myself,
1187
00:45:59,856 --> 00:46:01,224
and I know it was
the same for you,
1188
00:46:01,257 --> 00:46:03,527
and that's something special.
1189
00:46:03,559 --> 00:46:07,063
Eric, are you saying that
you wanna be sex partners?
1190
00:46:07,096 --> 00:46:09,565
Yeah, you know it.
1191
00:46:09,599 --> 00:46:12,135
Someone's coming, it's her.
1192
00:46:12,168 --> 00:46:13,269
Struggle free.
1193
00:46:13,302 --> 00:46:14,804
Fight back,
you have to do something.
1194
00:46:14,838 --> 00:46:17,407
- Just get out of here, Eric.
- No!
1195
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:18,541
Goodbye.
1196
00:46:20,443 --> 00:46:22,813
Hey there, cute sexy.
1197
00:46:22,846 --> 00:46:24,880
You saying your prayers in here?
1198
00:46:24,914 --> 00:46:25,982
What the heck do you want?
1199
00:46:26,014 --> 00:46:27,483
I talked to the cowboy.
1200
00:46:27,516 --> 00:46:28,484
Since you're alone,
1201
00:46:28,518 --> 00:46:31,221
you're not really important
to us anymore.
1202
00:46:31,253 --> 00:46:33,289
So he told me to have fun.
1203
00:46:33,322 --> 00:46:35,057
Please don't come any closer.
1204
00:46:35,090 --> 00:46:38,460
You wanna know what fun is?
1205
00:46:38,494 --> 00:46:42,432
Fun is giving in
to your urges.
1206
00:46:42,465 --> 00:46:44,968
What... let's just talk,
all right?
1207
00:46:45,001 --> 00:46:46,069
You don't need to do this.
1208
00:46:47,369 --> 00:46:51,040
You don't know what the hell
you've gotten yourself into.
1209
00:46:51,074 --> 00:46:54,244
You have no idea
what you're a part of.
1210
00:46:54,277 --> 00:46:56,179
Why don't you sit down
and explain it to me?
1211
00:46:59,449 --> 00:47:01,885
So many people
are going to die.
1212
00:47:01,918 --> 00:47:04,086
So many more will suffer
1213
00:47:04,119 --> 00:47:06,589
while you write your stupid
little story.
1214
00:47:06,623 --> 00:47:08,557
Please, why the heck
are you doing this?
1215
00:47:08,590 --> 00:47:11,027
For the better
of the country.
1216
00:47:11,059 --> 00:47:12,962
What the heck does kidnapping
writers have to do
1217
00:47:12,996 --> 00:47:14,396
with the better
of the country?
1218
00:47:14,429 --> 00:47:18,167
You'll never know, sweet dick.
1219
00:47:18,201 --> 00:47:20,135
I just wanna go home.
1220
00:47:20,168 --> 00:47:21,203
Home?
1221
00:47:21,237 --> 00:47:24,240
Your home is gone,
sweetie pie.
1222
00:47:24,273 --> 00:47:26,643
Huh?
1223
00:47:26,675 --> 00:47:28,911
Is that rat shit?
1224
00:47:30,413 --> 00:47:33,382
I jumped out of that nut job,
perfect landing.
1225
00:47:33,416 --> 00:47:35,885
- Uh, you fell on your butt.
- Really, Jude?
1226
00:47:35,918 --> 00:47:37,887
Can I have my hero moment,
please?
1227
00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:39,655
Fine, go, go.
1228
00:47:40,690 --> 00:47:42,259
Boo to the motherfucking yeah!
1229
00:47:42,291 --> 00:47:44,193
Bing, bang, walla, walla,
bing, bang!
1230
00:47:44,226 --> 00:47:46,262
♪ Ah, na, na, na, na ♪
1231
00:47:46,295 --> 00:47:47,163
You didn't knock it down,
1232
00:47:47,197 --> 00:47:48,965
there was a weak spot
in the ceiling.
1233
00:47:48,998 --> 00:47:52,434
- I saved your life!
- Fine, fine, thank you.
1234
00:47:52,467 --> 00:47:53,569
We gotta run!
1235
00:47:53,603 --> 00:47:56,106
No, we gotta fight to survive.
1236
00:48:04,047 --> 00:48:05,414
Eric.
1237
00:48:05,447 --> 00:48:07,516
You got those crazy eyes.
1238
00:48:07,550 --> 00:48:10,620
I'm tired of being
in the fucking black.
1239
00:48:10,652 --> 00:48:13,222
All right, let's tie her up
and take their clothes.
1240
00:48:13,255 --> 00:48:15,257
I don't wanna wear
a dead guy's clothes.
1241
00:48:15,291 --> 00:48:17,661
I mean, would you rather be
a dead guy in underwear?
1242
00:48:17,693 --> 00:48:19,028
Fine.
1243
00:48:20,228 --> 00:48:22,264
Oh wow, this actually fits me.
1244
00:48:22,297 --> 00:48:24,333
Yeah, it's a pretty good fit.
1245
00:48:40,182 --> 00:48:41,650
What is this, what is this?
1246
00:48:41,684 --> 00:48:42,986
Tell us what's going on.
1247
00:48:43,018 --> 00:48:45,287
Oh, I thought you would've ran.
1248
00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:49,058
Did you want to play
for a little bit more?
1249
00:48:49,092 --> 00:48:51,394
- Did you just flick her?
- I just felt weird hitting her.
1250
00:48:51,427 --> 00:48:52,628
I don't know.
1251
00:48:52,661 --> 00:48:55,097
No, no, you were right,
it's a woman, it's weird, no.
1252
00:48:55,130 --> 00:48:55,898
Well, she almost
killed you, Sean.
1253
00:48:55,931 --> 00:48:58,167
Oh, mother,
may I have another?
1254
00:48:58,201 --> 00:48:59,568
You said people were gonna die.
1255
00:48:59,601 --> 00:49:01,103
What the hell
are you talking about?
1256
00:49:01,137 --> 00:49:02,639
Oh, sweetie.
1257
00:49:02,672 --> 00:49:04,407
You don't know
the half of it.
1258
00:49:04,440 --> 00:49:06,443
Next time I'm gonna give you
a purple nurple.
1259
00:49:06,476 --> 00:49:09,278
- Yeah, this is weird.
- Sean, pull her hair.
1260
00:49:09,311 --> 00:49:11,047
- I'm not gonna pull her hair.
- We need her to talk.
1261
00:49:11,079 --> 00:49:12,315
Pull it, pretty boy.
1262
00:49:12,347 --> 00:49:14,717
Give me that titty twister.
1263
00:49:14,751 --> 00:49:17,086
Uh, all right,
this might be getting weird.
1264
00:49:17,119 --> 00:49:19,355
You know what, eff it,
what's the story lady?
1265
00:49:19,389 --> 00:49:21,458
- No, no, no.
- Okay, okay.
1266
00:49:21,490 --> 00:49:23,425
Why were people asking
about our script?
1267
00:49:23,458 --> 00:49:25,161
How the heck do you
even know about us?
1268
00:49:25,193 --> 00:49:28,465
Someone is always watching you
in this world,
1269
00:49:28,498 --> 00:49:30,532
even if you think
you're alone.
1270
00:49:30,565 --> 00:49:31,567
You're not.
1271
00:49:31,601 --> 00:49:33,303
GD social media.
1272
00:49:33,335 --> 00:49:34,770
We watched you.
1273
00:49:34,804 --> 00:49:37,474
We even watched
your pretty wives.
1274
00:49:37,507 --> 00:49:39,209
Those ladies keep busy.
1275
00:49:39,242 --> 00:49:40,710
What do you mean you've been
watching our wives?
1276
00:49:40,742 --> 00:49:44,014
Eric, we've seen Emily around.
1277
00:49:44,047 --> 00:49:47,083
Red dress, bright lipstick.
1278
00:49:47,115 --> 00:49:50,552
Maybe she's looking for someone
that actually cares.
1279
00:49:50,585 --> 00:49:54,323
And Leah, she's got her own
sexy book club.
1280
00:49:54,356 --> 00:49:57,092
- Slap her, man, slap her.
- Stupid boys.
1281
00:49:57,126 --> 00:49:58,628
So predictable.
1282
00:49:58,661 --> 00:50:00,697
We started watching you
and your families
1283
00:50:00,730 --> 00:50:02,664
the moment you wrote
that script,
1284
00:50:02,697 --> 00:50:05,768
and I still can't believe
they wanted to use your story.
1285
00:50:05,802 --> 00:50:08,038
- What?
- You're gonna be easier
1286
00:50:08,070 --> 00:50:11,440
to kill than expected.
1287
00:50:11,474 --> 00:50:12,575
Weed fell out of my grundle.
1288
00:50:40,235 --> 00:50:42,672
Oh, fuck, fuck you.
1289
00:50:45,340 --> 00:50:47,376
What?
1290
00:50:50,445 --> 00:50:53,182
Ah!
1291
00:50:53,215 --> 00:50:54,384
Fuck.
1292
00:50:54,416 --> 00:50:55,717
Motherfucker.
1293
00:51:04,327 --> 00:51:06,096
I'm gonna make you suffer,
1294
00:51:06,128 --> 00:51:08,697
you stupid, shitty writer.
1295
00:51:11,867 --> 00:51:15,438
What did you just call me?
1296
00:51:15,471 --> 00:51:17,739
I'm a shitty writer?
1297
00:51:17,773 --> 00:51:19,576
You're a shitty writer.
1298
00:51:53,809 --> 00:51:55,144
Breathe.
1299
00:51:58,181 --> 00:51:59,916
Breathe.
1300
00:51:59,949 --> 00:52:01,617
Sean.
1301
00:52:01,650 --> 00:52:04,853
Sean, where are you?
1302
00:52:13,329 --> 00:52:14,798
What the eff?
1303
00:52:29,744 --> 00:52:34,217
I'm gonna mess you up
like a little diapered baby.
1304
00:52:34,250 --> 00:52:36,786
you piss-balls-ass-cock
1305
00:52:36,818 --> 00:52:39,288
motherfucker twat bitch!
1306
00:53:20,429 --> 00:53:23,365
Oh man.
1307
00:53:23,398 --> 00:53:24,967
Black Eyes!
1308
00:53:46,621 --> 00:53:47,990
Set your goose lips.
1309
00:53:48,023 --> 00:53:49,558
Oh!
1310
00:54:11,681 --> 00:54:13,883
This is it.
1311
00:54:13,916 --> 00:54:16,452
My life flashing
before my eyes.
1312
00:54:16,485 --> 00:54:18,421
Every little moment.
1313
00:54:18,454 --> 00:54:22,458
Emily, Emily.
1314
00:54:26,996 --> 00:54:29,565
Emily!
1315
00:54:29,597 --> 00:54:32,034
Long brown hair.
1316
00:54:32,068 --> 00:54:35,738
Soft round cheeks.
1317
00:54:35,771 --> 00:54:37,840
The same softness I know,
1318
00:54:37,873 --> 00:54:41,644
the same softness I know
from her baby pictures.
1319
00:54:41,677 --> 00:54:44,347
The most perfect thing
I've ever touched.
1320
00:54:44,380 --> 00:54:47,617
And then she vanished,
she's just fucking gone.
1321
00:54:47,650 --> 00:54:49,619
The ladder's going down.
1322
00:54:49,652 --> 00:54:52,521
I'm going down.
1323
00:54:52,554 --> 00:54:54,690
And then,
1324
00:54:54,724 --> 00:54:56,426
I feel a cable.
1325
00:54:56,458 --> 00:54:58,860
Hang on, man,
I'll pull you up!
1326
00:54:58,893 --> 00:55:00,929
Was that Black Eyes
choking you?
1327
00:55:00,963 --> 00:55:03,566
Dude.
1328
00:55:03,599 --> 00:55:06,035
It was Black Eyes,
there were not Black guys there.
1329
00:55:06,068 --> 00:55:09,405
Oh my god, it was only funny
the first time.
1330
00:55:09,438 --> 00:55:11,541
- Hang on!
- I am!
1331
00:55:11,574 --> 00:55:12,675
Where's Black Eyes?
1332
00:55:12,708 --> 00:55:13,910
He fell.
1333
00:55:13,943 --> 00:55:16,879
- God, you are a heavy fuck!
- Oh, shut up!
1334
00:55:16,911 --> 00:55:19,348
Eric, did you hear me
say "fuck?"
1335
00:55:19,382 --> 00:55:21,818
You were right, I had one
of those life-changing moments
1336
00:55:21,851 --> 00:55:23,019
and now I swear!
1337
00:55:23,052 --> 00:55:25,088
That's awesome, now pull!
1338
00:55:39,467 --> 00:55:42,003
Did you?
1339
00:55:42,036 --> 00:55:43,538
Yeah.
1340
00:55:43,572 --> 00:55:45,041
You really killed a guy?
1341
00:55:46,909 --> 00:55:47,876
You?
1342
00:55:49,811 --> 00:55:51,079
Yeah.
1343
00:55:57,853 --> 00:56:00,490
How the heck did you
get on that ladder?
1344
00:56:00,523 --> 00:56:02,892
How the hell'd you get above me
with an elevator cable?
1345
00:56:14,469 --> 00:56:18,173
Who would think that
some advertising nerd
1346
00:56:18,206 --> 00:56:19,608
would break
through a ceiling
1347
00:56:19,641 --> 00:56:20,909
and then battle
a ripped motherfucker
1348
00:56:20,943 --> 00:56:22,912
on top of a broken ladder?
1349
00:56:22,945 --> 00:56:25,515
Well, some stay-at-home dad
1350
00:56:25,547 --> 00:56:26,782
tunneled through rats,
1351
00:56:26,815 --> 00:56:28,518
and fought a guy
in an elevator,
1352
00:56:28,550 --> 00:56:30,186
and then he uprooted
the fucking thing.
1353
00:56:32,755 --> 00:56:35,057
This has been a fucked up,
1354
00:56:35,090 --> 00:56:37,427
fucked up, crazy day.
1355
00:56:39,195 --> 00:56:41,697
Do you see that poster?
1356
00:56:41,730 --> 00:56:43,465
Just...
1357
00:56:43,498 --> 00:56:46,067
Just don't worry about that.
1358
00:56:46,101 --> 00:56:48,838
Do you see what that is?
1359
00:56:48,871 --> 00:56:50,639
Sean.
1360
00:56:50,672 --> 00:56:52,541
You've got those crazy eyes.
1361
00:57:01,851 --> 00:57:03,719
Is that...
1362
00:57:03,751 --> 00:57:07,590
That's the...
1363
00:57:07,623 --> 00:57:09,958
That is the president's
daughter's wedding tent.
1364
00:57:09,992 --> 00:57:12,595
The same wedding tent
we've been researching.
1365
00:57:12,628 --> 00:57:14,197
And look at this.
1366
00:57:14,230 --> 00:57:16,231
The makeup
of the chemical compound.
1367
00:57:16,264 --> 00:57:17,632
Fuck me.
1368
00:57:17,666 --> 00:57:19,869
The orthochlorobenzyldene trial.
1369
00:57:19,902 --> 00:57:21,704
Why do these fuckers have this?
1370
00:57:21,737 --> 00:57:23,873
Why do they have everything
from our villain's plot
1371
00:57:23,905 --> 00:57:25,507
of Arctic War?
1372
00:57:26,675 --> 00:57:29,211
These fuckers are using
our script for a real idea.
1373
00:57:29,244 --> 00:57:31,646
But how did they flag
our emails?
1374
00:57:31,679 --> 00:57:33,181
- Why'd they even do it?
- Well, I mean,
1375
00:57:33,215 --> 00:57:35,518
we did send some ridiculous
stuff back and forth.
1376
00:57:35,550 --> 00:57:37,152
I mean, maybe they
actually hacked us.
1377
00:57:37,186 --> 00:57:38,554
That would mean these guys
are like,
1378
00:57:38,586 --> 00:57:39,889
connected to
the government somehow.
1379
00:57:39,922 --> 00:57:42,124
- Rogue NSA or something.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
1380
00:57:42,157 --> 00:57:44,626
And that would give them
the ammo and the technology
1381
00:57:44,659 --> 00:57:45,894
to pull off
an act of terrorism.
1382
00:57:45,927 --> 00:57:47,864
They just,
they just needed an idea.
1383
00:57:47,896 --> 00:57:49,898
- Yeah, man, our idea.
- Okay, okay.
1384
00:57:49,931 --> 00:57:52,567
But, but, but they needed
to know how it ended.
1385
00:57:52,601 --> 00:57:54,670
- And the other guys locked up.
- Jacobi.
1386
00:57:54,702 --> 00:57:56,739
Okay, they are
just other writers
1387
00:57:56,771 --> 00:57:58,708
with other screenplays
that they're looking at.
1388
00:57:58,740 --> 00:58:01,244
Oh man, they're... they're
stealing writers' ideas
1389
00:58:01,277 --> 00:58:03,144
for terrorist plots, I mean,
that's actually kind of genius.
1390
00:58:03,177 --> 00:58:05,647
Okay, but, but, but, but,
who would do this?
1391
00:58:05,681 --> 00:58:06,481
Who would fund this?
1392
00:58:06,514 --> 00:58:07,916
Who would wanna take out
the president
1393
00:58:07,949 --> 00:58:11,086
at his own daughter's wedding?
1394
00:58:11,119 --> 00:58:12,621
Right, right?
1395
00:58:12,655 --> 00:58:14,624
Look at this fucking room.
1396
00:58:14,657 --> 00:58:17,559
- Look at this fucking room.
- Yeah.
1397
00:58:17,592 --> 00:58:20,195
- Look at this fucking room!
- Yeah.
1398
00:58:20,228 --> 00:58:21,630
- Look at this shit!
- Yeah.
1399
00:58:21,664 --> 00:58:23,232
Look at this motherfucking...
1400
00:58:23,264 --> 00:58:25,134
there are fucking bombs
on the table!
1401
00:58:25,166 --> 00:58:26,835
Dynamite, dy-no-mite.
1402
00:58:26,869 --> 00:58:30,273
That is good times dy-no-mite
on the motherfucking table.
1403
00:58:30,306 --> 00:58:31,673
- That is fucking C4!
- Okay.
1404
00:58:31,706 --> 00:58:33,108
Did you know C4
looked like pound cake?
1405
00:58:33,141 --> 00:58:35,043
I didn't know that,
I'm so fucking hungry now!
1406
00:58:35,077 --> 00:58:37,179
We've been tied up for, I don't
know, how many fucking hours?
1407
00:58:37,211 --> 00:58:38,813
Days, weeks?
1408
00:58:38,847 --> 00:58:41,083
Agh, oh, I'm gonna eat
a whole pound cake today!
1409
00:58:41,115 --> 00:58:43,219
Oh, when I take a shit,
my ass is gonna explode!
1410
00:58:43,251 --> 00:58:44,452
What the fuck, man?
1411
00:58:44,487 --> 00:58:47,722
Who the fuck leaves this stuff
completely out in the open,
1412
00:58:47,755 --> 00:58:49,791
totally unguarded when
there are folks on the loose?
1413
00:58:49,824 --> 00:58:51,293
Anyone could find it,
especially us!
1414
00:58:51,327 --> 00:58:53,195
Okay, yeah, but you don't
question it in the movies,
1415
00:58:53,228 --> 00:58:54,730
so don't question it
in real life.
1416
00:58:54,762 --> 00:58:56,898
No, Sean, I do question it
in the movies, okay,
1417
00:58:56,931 --> 00:58:58,134
but if I'm enjoying it enough,
1418
00:58:58,166 --> 00:59:00,936
I'm like totally willing
to look past it.
1419
00:59:00,969 --> 00:59:03,071
Well, then just do
the same thing right now.
1420
00:59:03,105 --> 00:59:05,206
- Fair enough.
- Okay.
1421
00:59:05,239 --> 00:59:06,207
Look at all these lines, I mean,
1422
00:59:06,240 --> 00:59:08,076
these are the tweets,
these are the tweets.
1423
00:59:08,110 --> 00:59:09,979
"I don't care about
running this country
1424
00:59:10,012 --> 00:59:11,814
as long as I'm healthy enough
to go to this wedding."
1425
00:59:11,847 --> 00:59:13,015
And look at this one.
1426
00:59:13,047 --> 00:59:14,950
"The president's daughter's
wedding will be YOLO."
1427
00:59:14,983 --> 00:59:16,918
I still don't know
what that means, Eric.
1428
00:59:16,952 --> 00:59:18,754
There's like hundreds more
like them.
1429
00:59:18,786 --> 00:59:20,755
It's like a countdown
to the wedding or something.
1430
00:59:20,789 --> 00:59:23,926
Why do they have all of
the vice president's tweets?
1431
00:59:23,958 --> 00:59:25,661
I don't know, to me, it looks
like they're writing for him.
1432
00:59:25,693 --> 00:59:26,996
I mean, he's old
but he's not that old.
1433
00:59:27,028 --> 00:59:28,697
Joe Biden can do it...
1434
00:59:28,731 --> 00:59:30,600
What did that villain lady say?
1435
00:59:30,632 --> 00:59:33,802
That this goes beyond anything
that we can imagine?
1436
00:59:36,304 --> 00:59:38,873
The VP wants to kill
the president.
1437
00:59:38,907 --> 00:59:40,809
He's gonna take him out
at his own daughter's wedding.
1438
00:59:40,842 --> 00:59:42,344
- Oh, that's heavy.
- Okay.
1439
00:59:42,378 --> 00:59:44,981
We need to get out of here,
but we have to warn people.
1440
00:59:45,014 --> 00:59:46,882
This is serious,
this is really serious.
1441
00:59:46,914 --> 00:59:48,016
We need to find a telephone.
1442
00:59:48,050 --> 00:59:48,718
Where are the telephones?
1443
00:59:48,751 --> 00:59:50,052
We gotta get out of here, man.
1444
00:59:50,085 --> 00:59:53,088
We really need to get...
we need to...
1445
00:59:53,121 --> 00:59:56,358
- Oh.
- These might help.
1446
00:59:56,391 --> 00:59:58,860
These fuckers wanna play
action movie?
1447
00:59:58,893 --> 01:00:00,295
We'll be the stars.
1448
01:00:00,329 --> 01:00:02,298
Arctic War style.
1449
01:00:04,032 --> 01:00:05,233
Make sure the safety
is unlocked.
1450
01:00:05,266 --> 01:00:07,002
Uh, do you have any idea
how to use these?
1451
01:00:07,036 --> 01:00:09,238
- No, man, no clue.
- Okay, cool, me neither.
1452
01:00:12,974 --> 01:00:15,810
What do you think?
1453
01:00:15,844 --> 01:00:17,980
There could be anything
behind there.
1454
01:00:18,012 --> 01:00:20,016
More of these fuckers?
1455
01:00:20,048 --> 01:00:23,284
More fire, more rats.
1456
01:00:23,318 --> 01:00:24,887
Death.
1457
01:00:26,387 --> 01:00:28,657
Eric.
1458
01:00:28,690 --> 01:00:33,028
If we go through this door
and get blown away,
1459
01:00:33,061 --> 01:00:36,331
it has been a pleasure
writing with you.
1460
01:00:36,364 --> 01:00:40,001
Till death do us part,
motherfucker.
1461
01:00:45,740 --> 01:00:49,244
We were below a Walmart
this whole fucking time?
1462
01:00:49,277 --> 01:00:50,145
What did I tell you?
1463
01:00:50,179 --> 01:00:51,914
My thesis was right!
1464
01:00:51,947 --> 01:00:53,149
Get 'em!
1465
01:01:36,291 --> 01:01:38,394
Oh, man.
1466
01:01:38,427 --> 01:01:39,929
Yeah.
1467
01:01:42,396 --> 01:01:44,365
Um...
1468
01:01:44,398 --> 01:01:46,402
Those guys came out of nowhere.
1469
01:01:46,434 --> 01:01:50,873
And, uh, that was a lot quicker
than I thought it would be.
1470
01:01:53,342 --> 01:01:56,077
Yeah, yeah.
1471
01:01:56,110 --> 01:01:57,112
Yeah.
1472
01:01:57,146 --> 01:02:00,115
I thought that was gonna be
the big shoot-out,
1473
01:02:00,148 --> 01:02:03,085
crazy climax save the day
kind of thing.
1474
01:02:03,117 --> 01:02:05,420
But, I don't know.
1475
01:02:05,454 --> 01:02:09,125
Yeah, I mean, honestly,
that was kind of anticlimactic.
1476
01:02:09,157 --> 01:02:10,925
- Uh...
- Yeah.
1477
01:02:10,958 --> 01:02:12,161
- I was...
- Yeah!
1478
01:02:12,193 --> 01:02:13,896
- I was kind of...
- Yeah!
1479
01:02:13,929 --> 01:02:15,097
I was kind of hoping
for more of a thing.
1480
01:02:15,130 --> 01:02:16,832
Oh yeah, yeah, like what?
1481
01:02:16,864 --> 01:02:18,399
I don't know.
1482
01:02:18,432 --> 01:02:20,001
I kinda was thinking
I could be like,
1483
01:02:20,034 --> 01:02:21,770
"Watch out for those
falling prices."
1484
01:02:21,804 --> 01:02:23,204
And then I'd shoot
one of those price signs
1485
01:02:23,237 --> 01:02:24,306
and it would land on a guy.
1486
01:02:24,338 --> 01:02:27,076
Yeah, but those are plastic,
that wouldn't work.
1487
01:02:27,108 --> 01:02:28,510
I actually, I actually,
I actually was thinking,
1488
01:02:28,543 --> 01:02:32,080
I was like after we
like fuck everything up,
1489
01:02:32,114 --> 01:02:34,083
you know, and there's
just blood everywhere
1490
01:02:34,115 --> 01:02:35,083
and blood all over... by the way,
1491
01:02:35,117 --> 01:02:36,819
I didn't know blood
was this sticky, wow.
1492
01:02:36,851 --> 01:02:38,987
Uh, but I just thought like,
you know,
1493
01:02:39,021 --> 01:02:41,356
somebody would come up,
like an employee would be like,
1494
01:02:41,389 --> 01:02:44,326
"Uh, clean up on aisle three,
please."
1495
01:02:44,358 --> 01:02:45,360
You're better than that, Eric.
1496
01:02:45,393 --> 01:02:47,028
That's stupid, no.
1497
01:02:47,061 --> 01:02:50,132
What if we rigged a shopping
cart with a rocket?
1498
01:02:50,164 --> 01:02:51,833
From the rocket section
of Walmart?
1499
01:02:51,867 --> 01:02:53,803
- Is that where we'd get that?
- Just hold on a second.
1500
01:02:53,835 --> 01:02:56,538
Hey, who the hell
are you people?
1501
01:02:56,572 --> 01:02:59,575
Sorry, lady, uh...
1502
01:02:59,608 --> 01:03:01,911
Red hair?
1503
01:03:01,943 --> 01:03:04,547
- Nose ring, is that...
- That's my girl.
1504
01:03:04,579 --> 01:03:06,815
That's the cashier
I bought chemicals from
1505
01:03:06,849 --> 01:03:10,352
- when we were researching.
- The one with the FUPA?
1506
01:03:10,385 --> 01:03:12,188
Wait, are we in my... are,
1507
01:03:12,221 --> 01:03:14,056
are we in my home town?
1508
01:03:16,391 --> 01:03:18,427
Why the hell are
we in my home town, Eric?
1509
01:03:18,460 --> 01:03:20,461
- Just relax.
- These guys know everything
1510
01:03:20,494 --> 01:03:21,730
about us,
they know where we live.
1511
01:03:21,762 --> 01:03:25,333
I mean, what if they're going
to my family or something, man?
1512
01:03:25,367 --> 01:03:27,403
Let's just go to your family
and we'll check on them, okay?
1513
01:03:27,436 --> 01:03:30,840
Wait a second, you guys caused
a lot of damage in here.
1514
01:03:30,873 --> 01:03:32,441
- You can't just leave.
- Listen, lady.
1515
01:03:32,474 --> 01:03:35,010
We have to check on his family,
okay?
1516
01:03:35,043 --> 01:03:36,612
But let me ask you
a quick question.
1517
01:03:36,644 --> 01:03:38,947
Eric, she doesn't have any
fucking cocktail weenies.
1518
01:03:38,981 --> 01:03:40,950
Now let's go.
1519
01:03:40,983 --> 01:03:43,419
How long were we down there for?
1520
01:03:43,452 --> 01:03:46,222
I don't know, man, but it looks
like the sun is rising.
1521
01:03:46,255 --> 01:03:49,090
Wait, why was that Walmart
even open?
1522
01:03:49,123 --> 01:03:50,326
It's open 24/7.
1523
01:03:50,358 --> 01:03:52,193
The suburbs, man.
1524
01:03:52,226 --> 01:03:53,995
All right, let's use this car,
move out of the way.
1525
01:03:57,498 --> 01:03:58,332
Hot wire it, dude.
1526
01:03:58,367 --> 01:03:59,501
I don't know how
to hot wire a car.
1527
01:03:59,534 --> 01:04:00,434
Why would you think that?
1528
01:04:00,469 --> 01:04:01,604
Well, the way you
just broke the window,
1529
01:04:01,637 --> 01:04:02,338
I figured you could.
1530
01:04:02,371 --> 01:04:05,307
Well, I can't, check the visor.
1531
01:04:05,340 --> 01:04:08,210
God, I love living
in a safe neighborhood.
1532
01:04:10,144 --> 01:04:11,280
How far are we from your house?
1533
01:04:11,313 --> 01:04:12,347
Twenty minutes.
1534
01:04:12,380 --> 01:04:13,648
All right, we'll get there
before anyone else.
1535
01:04:13,681 --> 01:04:14,682
What if someone's already there?
1536
01:04:14,717 --> 01:04:15,351
They're not,
everything's gonna be fine.
1537
01:04:15,384 --> 01:04:17,552
Eric, what about my family?
1538
01:04:17,585 --> 01:04:18,887
They're surrounding us!
1539
01:04:18,920 --> 01:04:20,088
How many of those bad guys
are there?
1540
01:04:20,121 --> 01:04:22,957
Really, a car chase, now we have
to have a fucking car chase?
1541
01:04:22,990 --> 01:04:24,025
- Jesus Christ!
- Lose 'em!
1542
01:04:24,059 --> 01:04:26,562
- We're on a highway!
- Oh, this is just perfect.
1543
01:04:32,099 --> 01:04:33,568
- Shoot the tires out!
- I'm shooting!
1544
01:04:33,601 --> 01:04:35,304
And you're missing,
come on, Eric!
1545
01:04:35,336 --> 01:04:36,972
We're going 80,
my head's out a window,
1546
01:04:37,005 --> 01:04:39,407
and I don't normally
shoot fucking guns!
1547
01:04:39,440 --> 01:04:40,975
We should've used
a Russian prince.
1548
01:04:41,009 --> 01:04:42,378
- What?
- In Arctic War,
1549
01:04:42,411 --> 01:04:43,579
we should've used
a Russian prince
1550
01:04:43,612 --> 01:04:44,680
instead of
a Russian nationalist.
1551
01:04:44,713 --> 01:04:46,481
- That makes no sense!
- Exactly.
1552
01:04:46,514 --> 01:04:48,250
It would've added a comedy
element to the screenplay
1553
01:04:48,282 --> 01:04:50,318
so these guys wouldn't have
taken it so seriously.
1554
01:04:50,351 --> 01:04:52,520
Plus, a Russian prince
would've been a metaphor for...
1555
01:04:52,554 --> 01:04:54,289
Man, can we talk about this
when I'm not sticking my head
1556
01:04:54,322 --> 01:04:57,425
out of a window trying
to shoot the tires of a car?
1557
01:04:57,458 --> 01:04:59,127
- Oh, shit!
- What?
1558
01:04:59,161 --> 01:04:59,961
- I dropped the gun.
- What?
1559
01:04:59,994 --> 01:05:01,963
- I'm sorry!
- We only have one left.
1560
01:05:01,996 --> 01:05:02,931
- You wanna shoot?
- Dude,
1561
01:05:02,965 --> 01:05:04,600
the roof is so shot up,
it's getting loose.
1562
01:05:04,632 --> 01:05:06,634
Oh, if we lose our cover
we're totally fucked!
1563
01:05:06,668 --> 01:05:08,537
Wait, cover,
what do you mean cover?
1564
01:05:08,570 --> 01:05:10,606
- Steer the car, steer the car.
- I'm steering!
1565
01:05:10,639 --> 01:05:13,075
- All right, I'm trying!
- Steer it, steer it, steer it!
1566
01:05:13,108 --> 01:05:15,344
Ooh, your butt
smells like doo-doo!
1567
01:05:15,376 --> 01:05:17,445
That's my new cologne, Anuse.
1568
01:05:20,481 --> 01:05:21,416
What are you doing?
1569
01:05:21,449 --> 01:05:22,384
The roof's already blowing
in the wind.
1570
01:05:22,418 --> 01:05:24,519
- I just need a few more shots.
- To do what?
1571
01:05:24,552 --> 01:05:26,654
Let's give these assholes
some real cover.
1572
01:05:29,557 --> 01:05:30,525
The roof's coming off.
1573
01:05:30,559 --> 01:05:32,061
Gonna nail them, boom!
1574
01:05:32,094 --> 01:05:33,362
- Woo!
- Woo!
1575
01:05:33,394 --> 01:05:35,463
- Boo-yah!
- Bull's eye, bitch.
1576
01:05:35,496 --> 01:05:37,065
Convertible time, motherfucker!
1577
01:05:37,099 --> 01:05:39,068
Yeah, let's go
to my freaking house.
1578
01:05:42,237 --> 01:05:44,405
Why is there a cop car
on my lawn?
1579
01:05:47,208 --> 01:05:48,210
Someone must've called
the police,
1580
01:05:48,242 --> 01:05:50,378
but that means they're safe.
1581
01:05:50,411 --> 01:05:53,247
I have a bad feeling about this.
1582
01:05:53,280 --> 01:05:54,549
Look, we're gonna
go in there together
1583
01:05:54,583 --> 01:05:56,184
and it's gonna be fine.
1584
01:05:56,217 --> 01:05:58,721
Eric, if we go in there and...
1585
01:05:58,753 --> 01:06:01,222
I know, man.
1586
01:06:01,255 --> 01:06:02,625
Okay.
1587
01:06:06,061 --> 01:06:07,528
Leah, girls?
1588
01:06:10,097 --> 01:06:12,500
Officer, what are you
doing in my house?
1589
01:06:12,534 --> 01:06:14,336
Officer, a few miles away
from here
1590
01:06:14,369 --> 01:06:16,438
there is some crazy shit
going on.
1591
01:06:16,471 --> 01:06:19,041
What are you doing in my house?
1592
01:06:19,074 --> 01:06:22,110
Sir, sir,
you need to call someone.
1593
01:06:22,143 --> 01:06:25,646
Good to see you again, boys.
1594
01:06:28,717 --> 01:06:30,219
Bring them to me.
1595
01:06:35,523 --> 01:06:37,592
Where is my family?
1596
01:06:37,626 --> 01:06:39,194
Don't you fucking touch him.
1597
01:06:39,226 --> 01:06:41,696
Ah!
1598
01:06:41,730 --> 01:06:45,467
On your knees, boys.
1599
01:06:45,500 --> 01:06:47,802
I had a feeling
you'd be running here.
1600
01:06:47,835 --> 01:06:51,305
Thought we'd meet you first.
1601
01:06:51,338 --> 01:06:54,143
Where's my family,
you motherfucker?
1602
01:06:54,175 --> 01:06:55,610
Upstairs.
1603
01:06:55,643 --> 01:06:58,046
Both your wives are okay.
1604
01:06:58,079 --> 01:06:59,681
Wives?
1605
01:06:59,713 --> 01:07:01,049
What do you mean wives?
1606
01:07:01,083 --> 01:07:03,351
Your little ladies
were worried about you.
1607
01:07:03,385 --> 01:07:05,788
They didn't get
their phone calls.
1608
01:07:05,820 --> 01:07:08,156
- So Eric's wife came down here.
- No.
1609
01:07:08,190 --> 01:07:10,224
- Pretty little thing.
- Fuck you!
1610
01:07:10,257 --> 01:07:12,427
Your little ladies
called the cops.
1611
01:07:12,460 --> 01:07:16,597
They were just so, so concerned
about you boys.
1612
01:07:16,630 --> 01:07:20,335
But we took care
of those police.
1613
01:07:20,367 --> 01:07:22,403
If you touched my wife,
I swear to god.
1614
01:07:22,436 --> 01:07:26,275
You mean that mighty fine
pregnant woman?
1615
01:07:26,307 --> 01:07:28,777
I'm gonna tear your
motherfucking faces off!
1616
01:07:28,809 --> 01:07:30,679
So much cussing.
1617
01:07:30,711 --> 01:07:33,815
Eric, your wife,
1618
01:07:33,849 --> 01:07:36,251
she's got a dirty mouth too.
1619
01:07:36,284 --> 01:07:38,119
Suck my pussy.
1620
01:07:39,588 --> 01:07:42,591
And Sean, your daughters,
1621
01:07:42,623 --> 01:07:45,660
they're gonna be quite
the lookers one day.
1622
01:07:45,693 --> 01:07:47,829
Shut up, shut up!
1623
01:07:47,862 --> 01:07:50,765
All you had to do was help us
with the ending.
1624
01:07:50,798 --> 01:07:52,467
Just let our families go.
1625
01:07:52,501 --> 01:07:54,403
- But you wouldn't talk.
- Please.
1626
01:07:54,436 --> 01:07:55,804
We'll give you anything
that you want.
1627
01:07:55,836 --> 01:07:59,507
And now your movie's
almost over.
1628
01:07:59,541 --> 01:08:01,677
And no one is left.
1629
01:08:01,710 --> 01:08:05,179
No little kid
doing something clever.
1630
01:08:05,213 --> 01:08:08,150
No sidekick coming back
from the dead.
1631
01:08:10,485 --> 01:08:12,820
Please, please.
1632
01:08:12,853 --> 01:08:16,591
Sorry to give you
the bad news, boys.
1633
01:08:16,625 --> 01:08:19,795
There ain't gonna be no sequels.
1634
01:08:23,164 --> 01:08:26,534
So, the next part is,
1635
01:08:26,568 --> 01:08:28,671
um...
1636
01:08:32,274 --> 01:08:33,409
Yeah.
1637
01:08:35,443 --> 01:08:37,479
Guys crashing
through the window!
1638
01:08:37,511 --> 01:08:39,213
They look like they're too old
for this shit!
1639
01:08:39,247 --> 01:08:40,382
They're coming through
the front door!
1640
01:08:40,414 --> 01:08:42,717
That guy, he just got shot,
now he's all fucked up!
1641
01:08:42,751 --> 01:08:43,886
I mean, bullets
are going everywhere!
1642
01:08:43,918 --> 01:08:46,220
- Sean, protect yourself!
- on my couch!
1643
01:08:46,253 --> 01:08:48,189
The cowboy's in the corner,
he's got a gun!
1644
01:08:48,222 --> 01:08:49,891
They just shot the shit
out of the cowboy!
1645
01:08:49,925 --> 01:08:51,293
Oh man, they just shot
his hat off!
1646
01:08:51,326 --> 01:08:52,694
Whoa, he looks like Hans Gruber!
1647
01:08:52,726 --> 01:08:53,694
Holy crap.
1648
01:08:53,728 --> 01:08:54,561
Where are our wives?
1649
01:08:54,595 --> 01:08:56,597
You both have
some shit to explain.
1650
01:08:56,631 --> 01:08:58,767
Man, fucking Arctic War.
1651
01:08:58,800 --> 01:09:03,538
You know, let us try explaining
this just a bit differently.
1652
01:09:08,243 --> 01:09:10,646
Secure the families,
bring 'em downstairs.
1653
01:09:12,646 --> 01:09:13,948
They're okay, did you hear that?
1654
01:09:13,981 --> 01:09:15,283
They're okay!
1655
01:09:15,317 --> 01:09:16,952
Shit, it's over, this is over.
1656
01:09:16,984 --> 01:09:18,819
Oh thank god, thank you, god.
1657
01:09:18,853 --> 01:09:20,489
They're at the bottom
of the stairs.
1658
01:09:20,521 --> 01:09:22,190
We did it,
I can't believe we did it.
1659
01:09:22,224 --> 01:09:23,759
- No.
- What?
1660
01:09:23,792 --> 01:09:25,761
Do you smell that?
1661
01:09:25,793 --> 01:09:28,262
Gasoline, burned pubes.
1662
01:09:28,296 --> 01:09:29,331
You're kidding me.
1663
01:09:29,363 --> 01:09:31,365
Black Eyes.
1664
01:09:31,399 --> 01:09:32,935
Scan the area,
I don't see anything.
1665
01:09:32,967 --> 01:09:34,670
- It's just that smell.
- Follow the smell.
1666
01:09:34,703 --> 01:09:37,606
- Follow that smell.
- Breathe, breathe, breathe.
1667
01:09:37,639 --> 01:09:39,541
I knew that would come in handy.
1668
01:09:39,573 --> 01:09:41,809
Up there, he's on the roof.
1669
01:09:41,842 --> 01:09:43,778
His face burnt like
Freddy Krueger's taint.
1670
01:09:43,811 --> 01:09:45,680
Stanley, they're coming
to the front door.
1671
01:09:45,713 --> 01:09:46,782
He's standing.
1672
01:09:46,814 --> 01:09:49,250
Looks like he's gonna jump down,
he's got a knife.
1673
01:09:49,283 --> 01:09:50,685
He's pointing to the bottom
of the front door.
1674
01:09:50,719 --> 01:09:53,255
- No!
- And here they come.
1675
01:09:53,287 --> 01:09:56,791
- Nooo!
- Nooo!
1676
01:09:58,693 --> 01:10:00,561
You did it, you did it, man.
1677
01:10:01,930 --> 01:10:03,498
Freeze, creeps.
1678
01:10:03,530 --> 01:10:05,300
He's another bad guy, man,
relax.
1679
01:10:05,332 --> 01:10:06,300
Don't call him "man."
1680
01:10:06,333 --> 01:10:07,536
Here's another bad guy, sir.
1681
01:10:07,569 --> 01:10:08,604
You guys are crazy.
1682
01:10:08,636 --> 01:10:10,771
Acting like we're the deadliest
guys in the world.
1683
01:10:10,805 --> 01:10:12,608
We're just writers.
1684
01:10:12,640 --> 01:10:14,576
- Good shot, man.
- Thanks.
1685
01:10:14,609 --> 01:10:16,478
You know, that would've been
a really good time
1686
01:10:16,511 --> 01:10:18,847
- to say a one-liner.
- Yeah, but...
1687
01:10:18,880 --> 01:10:20,949
Dude, look.
1688
01:10:20,981 --> 01:10:22,618
They're okay there.
1689
01:10:22,650 --> 01:10:24,853
Short blonde hair
with freckles.
1690
01:10:24,886 --> 01:10:27,489
Long brown hair,
the roundest, softest cheeks.
1691
01:10:27,521 --> 01:10:29,423
- My girls.
- I immediately feel safe.
1692
01:10:29,457 --> 01:10:31,326
My knees might as well
be taken out.
1693
01:10:31,359 --> 01:10:32,728
They walk closer,
1694
01:10:32,761 --> 01:10:34,363
smiling, staring,
1695
01:10:34,395 --> 01:10:36,965
arms wide open.
1696
01:10:36,997 --> 01:10:39,533
And then we get taken away.
1697
01:10:41,735 --> 01:10:42,936
Can you believe that?
1698
01:10:42,970 --> 01:10:45,339
After all of that, they wouldn't
even let us hug our wives.
1699
01:10:45,372 --> 01:10:46,707
Fucking po po.
1700
01:10:46,740 --> 01:10:48,609
- It's the feds, Eric.
- Fucking fed fed.
1701
01:10:48,643 --> 01:10:50,378
Because seriously,
that would've been a really nice
1702
01:10:50,412 --> 01:10:51,847
- end of the movie kiss there.
- Right?
1703
01:10:51,880 --> 01:10:53,914
But instead, they separate us
and they bring us
1704
01:10:53,948 --> 01:10:55,550
to holding cells
for questioning.
1705
01:10:55,582 --> 01:10:57,551
- And I got some questions too.
- Big time.
1706
01:10:57,585 --> 01:10:59,688
Now, let's take this part slow.
1707
01:10:59,720 --> 01:11:01,489
We don't want any of it
to sound ridiculous.
1708
01:11:01,523 --> 01:11:03,492
That's the last thing we want.
1709
01:11:03,524 --> 01:11:05,661
So, after they separate us
from our wives
1710
01:11:05,694 --> 01:11:07,629
and we have our initial
questioning, we sit down
1711
01:11:07,662 --> 01:11:11,500
with the president
of the United States of America.
1712
01:11:11,533 --> 01:11:15,337
Apparently, the FBI have been
tracking our emails for a while.
1713
01:11:15,369 --> 01:11:17,072
They were just confused
with all of our research
1714
01:11:17,104 --> 01:11:19,006
- on chemical weapons.
- But then they realized
1715
01:11:19,039 --> 01:11:21,342
we were writing nonsense,
so they left us alone.
1716
01:11:21,376 --> 01:11:22,944
Yeah, but then when our wives
called the cops
1717
01:11:22,976 --> 01:11:24,578
because they thought
we were missing, you know,
1718
01:11:24,612 --> 01:11:26,315
that's when the feds knew
something was up.
1719
01:11:26,347 --> 01:11:29,518
So they tracked down our wives
and were guarding our my house.
1720
01:11:29,551 --> 01:11:30,986
And that's when
the president goes...
1721
01:11:31,019 --> 01:11:32,788
brrr...
1722
01:11:32,820 --> 01:11:35,423
"I've heard it
from them directly,
1723
01:11:35,457 --> 01:11:38,093
but where have you two been?"
1724
01:11:38,126 --> 01:11:40,028
Brrr.
1725
01:11:40,060 --> 01:11:43,398
Um, except he's not
a mechanical robot, Eric.
1726
01:11:43,430 --> 01:11:44,899
As opposed to a human robot?
1727
01:11:46,134 --> 01:11:47,135
You see, we're writers
1728
01:11:47,168 --> 01:11:48,369
and we're working on
an action screenplay.
1729
01:11:48,403 --> 01:11:51,707
- And then a terrorist group...
- Led by your vice president.
1730
01:11:51,739 --> 01:11:53,742
- ...hacked our emails...
- ...because what we were writing
1731
01:11:53,774 --> 01:11:55,743
a very detailed terrorist plot.
1732
01:11:55,777 --> 01:11:58,012
And then they kidnapped us
because they wanted to use
1733
01:11:58,046 --> 01:11:59,914
the terrorist plot
as their own thing.
1734
01:11:59,948 --> 01:12:01,615
Yeah, but, you know,
instead of helping them,
1735
01:12:01,649 --> 01:12:03,518
what we did is, you know,
we kicked some ass.
1736
01:12:03,551 --> 01:12:05,854
- Saved a few hostages.
- And we killed the world's
1737
01:12:05,886 --> 01:12:08,689
deadliest people
in their underground lair.
1738
01:12:08,722 --> 01:12:10,992
It's a really simple story,
Mr. President.
1739
01:12:11,024 --> 01:12:14,362
- And he bought it.
- Most of it.
1740
01:12:14,395 --> 01:12:15,996
Well, let's just say
the vice president
1741
01:12:16,029 --> 01:12:17,565
had his Twitter account deleted
1742
01:12:17,599 --> 01:12:19,368
and became ill
and resigned from office.
1743
01:12:19,400 --> 01:12:20,668
We don't actually know
what happened.
1744
01:12:20,702 --> 01:12:22,771
- We could take a guess.
- Conspiracy theorists.
1745
01:12:22,804 --> 01:12:23,904
Anyway,
the president thanked us.
1746
01:12:23,938 --> 01:12:25,974
He was a really great guy.
1747
01:12:26,006 --> 01:12:28,509
- He was all right.
- All right?
1748
01:12:28,542 --> 01:12:30,746
I mean, dude,
after everything we did,
1749
01:12:30,779 --> 01:12:32,013
he could've at least invited us
to the White House.
1750
01:12:32,046 --> 01:12:33,849
Oh god, you're such a baby.
1751
01:12:33,881 --> 01:12:35,549
I don't, I don't think
I'm asking too much.
1752
01:12:35,582 --> 01:12:36,416
You want some pig weenies?
1753
01:12:36,451 --> 01:12:37,719
I'll make you
some pig weenies, Eric.
1754
01:12:37,752 --> 01:12:39,154
- Shut up, Sean.
- You shut up.
1755
01:12:39,186 --> 01:12:41,555
- No, you shut up.
- You shut up.
1756
01:12:41,588 --> 01:12:43,859
- No, you shut up!
- You shut up.
1757
01:12:43,891 --> 01:12:45,426
It's just never-ending
with this dude.
1758
01:12:45,460 --> 01:12:46,862
I'm just saying
the United States government
1759
01:12:46,895 --> 01:12:47,996
did other good things for us.
1760
01:12:48,029 --> 01:12:49,631
Do you have to work anymore? No.
1761
01:12:49,663 --> 01:12:51,465
Do I worry about
daycare anymore? No.
1762
01:12:51,498 --> 01:12:53,434
The president has repaid us
full vault.
1763
01:12:53,467 --> 01:12:54,603
That's true, actually,
this is awesome.
1764
01:12:54,636 --> 01:12:55,937
Even Jacobi contacted us.
1765
01:12:55,970 --> 01:12:58,440
He was all, "Hey, guys,
uh, maybe we can work
1766
01:12:58,472 --> 01:12:59,640
on a script together someday."
1767
01:12:59,673 --> 01:13:01,743
Then I was like, "We saved
your ass, isn't that enough?
1768
01:13:01,775 --> 01:13:02,877
We need to work with you too?"
1769
01:13:02,911 --> 01:13:04,078
And I go, "Sorry, brah.
1770
01:13:04,112 --> 01:13:06,648
You'll hear about me in my
next Gold Star newsletter."
1771
01:13:06,680 --> 01:13:08,916
Which Eric has a lot of lately,
because...
1772
01:13:08,949 --> 01:13:10,885
- I had a boy!
- Mazel tov.
1773
01:13:10,918 --> 01:13:12,186
Thanks, man, he's the cutest.
1774
01:13:12,220 --> 01:13:13,755
Yeah, he's got
a full set of hair.
1775
01:13:13,787 --> 01:13:15,122
- He's got a huge baby dick.
- Oh, that's...
1776
01:13:15,155 --> 01:13:16,957
- that's really weird.
- I'm just proud.
1777
01:13:16,990 --> 01:13:18,025
And you should be, man.
1778
01:13:18,059 --> 01:13:19,094
Same for you, brother.
1779
01:13:19,127 --> 01:13:20,662
True.
1780
01:13:20,694 --> 01:13:22,764
I am having sex
all the time now.
1781
01:13:22,796 --> 01:13:24,899
- No more book club?
- Well, let's just say
1782
01:13:24,932 --> 01:13:27,101
I have my own little karma sutra
section with the wife,
1783
01:13:27,135 --> 01:13:28,537
if you know what I mean.
1784
01:13:28,569 --> 01:13:31,005
- Yeah, Sean, I get it.
- Okay, cool.
1785
01:13:31,038 --> 01:13:32,139
We're actually, um,
1786
01:13:32,173 --> 01:13:33,942
we're spending a lot of time
with our family now.
1787
01:13:33,975 --> 01:13:35,877
Yeah, I'm taking Leah
out on real dates,
1788
01:13:35,909 --> 01:13:37,778
- I'm sticking to soda water.
- And I'm learning
1789
01:13:37,811 --> 01:13:38,947
what it's like
to actually be there.
1790
01:13:38,979 --> 01:13:40,581
Not just physically,
because, man,
1791
01:13:40,614 --> 01:13:41,750
all the shit
we put them through.
1792
01:13:41,783 --> 01:13:44,686
- Oh god, all my talking.
- And the way I never listened.
1793
01:13:44,719 --> 01:13:46,154
All I'm gonna say is this:
1794
01:13:46,186 --> 01:13:48,023
This whole group therapy thing,
1795
01:13:48,055 --> 01:13:49,690
this is really great, doc.
1796
01:13:49,724 --> 01:13:51,693
It's true, you know, I...
1797
01:13:51,725 --> 01:13:54,695
I was really skeptical, Frude,
but I like you.
1798
01:13:54,729 --> 01:13:57,666
- What?
- It's Freud, Eric.
1799
01:13:57,698 --> 01:13:59,600
Yeah, that's what I said.
1800
01:13:59,634 --> 01:14:01,502
I'm a-frude you're wrong, Eric.
1801
01:14:01,536 --> 01:14:02,904
- Sean, shut the f...
- Now, what about
1802
01:14:02,936 --> 01:14:06,608
the president's
other conditions?
1803
01:14:06,640 --> 01:14:08,976
I mean, you know, um...
1804
01:14:10,511 --> 01:14:11,612
...we're not psyched about it.
1805
01:14:11,646 --> 01:14:13,914
I'm definitely not psyched
about it, but I get it.
1806
01:14:13,948 --> 01:14:15,984
Yeah, I mean,
no more action scripts.
1807
01:14:16,016 --> 01:14:18,118
Clearly the government doesn't
want us writing anymore.
1808
01:14:18,152 --> 01:14:21,155
But you know what, we have other
things to focus on right now.
1809
01:14:21,189 --> 01:14:23,091
We have families,
we have responsibilities,
1810
01:14:23,123 --> 01:14:24,559
- people to take care of.
- Yup.
1811
01:14:24,591 --> 01:14:26,060
We're good, no more writing.
1812
01:14:29,130 --> 01:14:31,867
But they didn't say
we couldn't make a movie.
1813
01:14:31,899 --> 01:14:32,833
Cut!
1814
01:14:54,300 --> 01:14:59,300
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