Original subtitles

(BIRDSONG)

I can't keep up, May. Are you eating gluten or you're not eating gluten?

It's oats. It's no gluten.

HELEN: No gluten. (PHONE RINGS)

I wake up with Today!

It's for you.

Yeah, it's my phone. Right?

Hello? Yeah, George, I know.

You texted me last night. OK. I'll see you at work.

Hey, Graham.

You know, if you want to win money, you got to register for that thing.

They don't just ring random numbers. Really?

Yeah. Well, that's a waste of two years.

Well, what about that other show, the...the Cash Cow? How's that work?

Oh, I think the cow just comes to your house with a big bag of money.

Is that right? No, May, I'm kidding.

Come on! Oh, get out!

See ya later, guys. See ya, Artie. Bye.

Helen! Cake in the meeting room at 11.

Yeah, I know. You called me. And texted.

And invited me to the Facebook event 'Cake at 11'.

I'm excited. I got a mud cake. Boo. Mud cake.

So overrated. Why didn't you get a fruitcake?

We're not in an old people's home, Helen.

Rude.

Oh. Morning, Helen.

Morning, Roz. Cake at 11 in the meeting room.

Big announcement. Yep. George told me.

Hope you like mud cake. Nope. Too wet.

It's like it's not cooked properly. What's that, now?

I said, "Yep. Yummy. Cannot wait. Mmm! Delicious."

My God, she's like a bat.

There we go. There's an English breakfast. Alrighty!

Phil! Let's make a will. Go.

I want to be very prescriptive. I don't want any fighting.

Good idea. Sensible.

So, shall we start with the fitted sheet sets?

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

I'm sorry. Yep. You're serious. OK. Sure.

"Fitted sheet set."

Who's the lucky recipient?

Forks.

Uh...uh, yes.

(MUTTERS)

That's the linen cupboard complete.

Well done us. Mmm!

Shall we move on to the kitchen drawers?

Mmm? Oh! We could...

The problem is, coming up to 11, I'm afraid, Phil.

Oh, really? Is that the hour gone already?

Mmm. There's just so much to get through!

Oh. Should we schedule another meet?

We could, or...I've had an idea. Grab your stuff.

Oh.

Here's what I'm thinking.

How about you give me that little book of yours,

I work from that, and I give you a call when it's all done?

What do you reckon? You might miss something.

Oh, no, I won't. Come on. Give me the book. And then you pay a flat fee.

Otherwise I've got to charge you by the hour.

Just...Phil, just let me...

OK. I've got half now, so you may as well give me the other half.

And I'll tell you what, you are gonna thank me for that,

so why don't you get out there, enjoy all that extra time,

and money, I just saved you?

You're welcome, Phil. (TAPS ON GLASS)

Yeah, I'm coming, Roz. Jesus. I know.

Cake at 11.

Finally! Ta-da!

Mud cake! Well done, George. Great work, Georgie!

I'll plate up. ROZ: Alright.

Very exciting news.

We have been nominated for a Local Business Award.

Great stuff.

I really want to win this one, guys.

Roz is back on deck next month, and an award

would really help get the stink of her suspension off us.

We've bought a table for the awards dinner.

And, uh, partners are welcome. As are famous fathers.

I'm looking at you, Fisk. Wouldn't that stick it up the competition?

Supreme Court judge on the Gruber table.

Can I bring someone? RAY: Yes. Bring your girlfriend.

Or your boyfriend. Which is it, George?

Ray, you can't ask that. RAY: Why not?

You can. I'm pansexual.

Good! Great!

See? It's fine. Mmm.

Alright. You bring your dad. And you can bring Pan.

Let's win this one, guys. Come on, Team Gruber!

Team Gruber! RAY: Yes!

Team Gruber! Hey, no, you two.

Mmm. Sit down.

Now, judging is done by anonymous visit.

It could be anyone at any time.

And I want game faces on 24/7, please.

Oh. It's just jokes, Roz.

I was having fun with mud cake.

Thought you didn't like mud cake, Helen.

Well, it's still cake. I'll eat it. I mean, God.

Hey, is Roz really not suspended anymore?

GEORGE: Oh, I don't know.

OK, Petro, go. Talk. What do you need? What can I do for you?

I believe I'm the illegitimate son of Georgios Papadakis.

The newsreader? The beloved voice of the nation.

Well, I'm sorry for your loss.

A loss made all the more tragic by the fact that I never met him.

Did you not just say you're his son?

I believe that I am. Ah. OK.

So, by any chance, would you be here

to make a claim on the Papadakis estate?

This is not about the money.

I just want to be acknowledged as part of the family.

Right. Do you have any proof you're related?

Paperwork? A birth certificate?

I have this.

This is a restraining order that says you are not allowed

within 50 metres of any member of the Papadakis family.

That's correct. It's upsetting for them.

I think because I remind them so much of Papa Georgios.

It says here it's because you jumped into the grave at the funeral.

Please. Untrue.

They asked that family members step forward

and throw some dirt into the hole.

You mean the grave. Yes.

But when I stepped forward, Yiayia Papadakis,

she screamed and pushed me, like this, and I fell into the hole.

Grave. Yes.

So you don't want money?

No.

Uh, well, I don't NOT want money.

What makes you think you're related?

(LAUGHS)

Look at me.

Now look at him.

What do you see?

The future if I don't stay on top of my waxing.

I can't believe I never got to meet him.

Have you met your father, Helen?

Yes. Many times.

Do you cherish that relationship? Cherish?

Oh...we text a lot.

But do you tell him that you love him and cherish him?

I always send him a thumbs up or sometimes clapping hands.

Do you know, I think the best thing to do in this case is a DNA test.

(SIGHS) OK?

OK. OK.

I assume you will leave the room.

That would definitely make me more comfortable.

What?

Uh, is there a, uh, receptacle?

No. We're not doing it now!

And...and we're not gonna do it from there! Jesus!

The first thing I have to do is contact the Papadakis family.

Please...

..tell them I love 'em.

Yeah. I will send them a thumbs up.

It's not the whole recipe, 'cause Mum won't tell me

everything that's in the marinade.

Georgios Papadakis!

My mum's favourite newsreader! (LAUGHS)

Do you mind? Oh, I would be honoured.

Oh, this is outrageous.

Hang on a sec.

Didn't you die? (CAMERA CLICKS)

Raymond, do you have a minute?

Make it quick, Roz.

With my reinstatement pending, what is the plan vis-a-vis Helen?

Staying? Going? Thoughts? RAY: Yeah.

I am touching cloth here, Rozzie. Put a pin in that.

We'll talk about it later.

(CLICKS MOUSE) Are you ready for me, Roz?

Helen! Good.

Yep. Come, come.

I need to talk to you about the judging criteria for the awards,

specifically appearance.

Oh, OK. Yep. Good. Sure.

This one brown suit of yours you're so attached to.

No, it's not one suit. I've got three of these, all the same.

Good God, why? It's just easier.

Who can be bothered deciding what to wear every morning?

Why is it so baggy? Did you use to be fuller-figured? Plus-size?

Saying did I use to be fat? No.

I'm just wondering, Helen, if you could, just for once,

be a team player.

Maybe you could jazz it up or get it taken in.

What about if I wore something loose but more fashionable?

Don't you dare turn up here wearing a caftan, Helen.

OK. And in your mind, is a caftan the same as a muumuu?

(CLICKS MOUSE) OK.

muumuu's a no-no. Got it.

No muumuu.

MAN: 10 more seconds, Judge. Stay with it.

Can you go the distance, J-dog? I know you can.

In three, two, a...

..and one.

Step down. Shake it off. Good job, guys. Well done.

Sorry, Viktor. I'm a bit early.

Oh, Christ, Dad. Are you alright? Yes, yes.

All well. I just need to, um, shower off and...towel down.

It's just the after-shakes. It's good. Means it's working.

Right. Yeah. Ooh. Same time next week, guys?

Yes, lovely. Thanks, Blayden. Yes. Perfect.

You know, actually, I might pop upstairs for a shower too, I think.

Not together, Tip. Oh, don't be silly.

(BEEPING)

Hey! Blayden Tork, T-O-R-K, Torking Fitness.

What's your FOC, Helen? My what, sorry?

Uh, FOC, fitness of choice. What's your fitness of choice?

Oh! Um, I walk my dog every day, so...yeah.

And for fitness?

Um...

..when I'm walking my dog,

sometimes if I remember, I clench...

..clench my bum, so, um...

..so, yeah, clench walking is my FOC, yeah.

Mm-hm. How about a quick shake on the Vibratron? Get your buzz on.

Mmm. Yeah.

Can you feel the fat melting? (VOICE VIBRATES) Um...

Ooh. I can definitely feel it wobbling.

Um! Oh. Egg?

Nah, man. I'm good, thanks.

Blayden Blast protein powder. Free sample.

No.

OK.

How long before I'm, like, thin or whatever?

Keep going. OK.

(LOUD RATTLING)

ANTHONY: Sorry, what?

I said, I had a bit of a weird day!

I think my job is under review.

Uh, Tip. Tip.

Sorry.

What was that, Helen? I think my job's under review.

I don't know if they're gonna keep me on.

Well, I guess you'd better make yourself indispensable.

Mmm! Not a good time to be unemployed, Helen.

Yeah, I know that. Thanks, Viktor.

Not for you. You're driving.

Is there anything I can do?

Yes.

Could you please come to the Business Awards night?

My boss would love it if you sat at our table. He would love it.

Of course! Oh, Helen, don't be silly.

We'd love to. Really?

Thanks, Dad.

You know, I don't say it enough, but I...I really...

..I cherish you, Dad.

What? You what him?

I cher...I cherish him.

That's an odd thing to say. Is it?

Do you need money? No! I'm being warm and loving.

Aren't I?

It's just making everyone feel uncomfortable.

Let's eat.

OK.

I need something smart, like maybe a nice shirt or...

Oh, just help yourself. What's mine is yours.

OK. Ooh. OK.

Did you find something to wear?

I've got that exact same shirt.

No, I did not. OK.

These are some of my old work suits.

So why don't you see if one of those fits?

Thanks, May. Great.

Ooh. Alright.

(DOOR OPENS)

Webmaster! I've come jazzy. What do you think?

Nice badge. Yeah. It's covering the airline logo.

I'm actually wearing my aunt's old flight attendant uniform.

Now, I've come up with a plan about how we can get a DNA sample

from Thomas Papadakis.

Ooh! Me too.

We tempt him with a delicious glass of Scotch.

And then we sit back and laugh as he leaves his DNA all over it.

Yeah. I thought I could just ask him to do a DNA test.

(TAPPING ON GLASS) Oh. There's the angry tapper.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Thank you. Morning.

Come and give me a hand, you two. (DOOR CLOSES)

ROZ: Now...from today,

I want every potential mystery judge to get a goodie bag.

Ooh! Someone say goodie bags? Hey, Ray.

Let's have a look. Good news for you.

Guess who's coming to the Business Awards.

My dad. Yes! Well done, Fisk.

What have YOU come as, Fisk? Is that a Rex Airlines uniform?

I'm being a team player. You're being a bit silly.

Look. Squishy gavel.

(GAVEL SQUEAKS) Ooh! In the tum-tum.

Mr Papadakis. Helen Tudor-Fisk.

Thank you very much for coming in.

I realise this is a difficult time and I am sorry for your loss.

Goodie bag?

Can I just give you a DNA sample and get out of here?

That's what you want, right? Wow. Yep. That was easy.

Thing is, my client, Petro Andarakis, he believes...

Yeah, yeah. I know what that nutjob believes.

What do you need? Hair? Pubes?

What? No. I really don't need pubes.

Not sure why everyone thinks DNA has to come from your pants. It doesn't.

All I need is a couple of these swabs, run that round your mouth

and then pop it back into the tube.

(DOOR BANGS) OK. And then...

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

OK. Or I could pop it back in for you.

What's he doing here? Oh, oh. Hey, hey, hey. No, no. Crap.

You can't be here. Yassou, brother!

No. Helen told me you might come in.

And I know it's against the rules. I'm not your brother.

Seriously, what's wrong with this guy?

You need to leave, and you should sit back down. We're not finished.

I just need one more swab from you. Get out of my way, Ms Tudor-Fisk.

I've bloody had it with this guy. I'm warning you, mate.

Do you see? We're like two peas in a pod.

The fiery temper runs in the family. I'm not related to you!

When will you get that in your thick skull?!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't touch him. Don't grab him!

Does this look like 50 metres to you?

Take a photo of this. I want evidence for the cops.

Please, Helen, take a picture. Hey, hey, George. Give me a hand.

Sorry, Helen. I'm not really a fighter.

No, Thomas. No.

Thomas! No!

Helen, I'm so sorry. No.

Brother, we need to talk! I want to explain about the funeral debacle.

Uh, please come back later, when the real staff are here.

We're just temp staff who work at lunchtime.

What was that?

Just covering us in case that was the mystery shopper.

(EXHALES)

Welcome, sir. May I offer you a goodie bag?

Stand down, George. He's not the mystery shopper. I guarantee it.

Hey, Blayden. BLAYDEN: Hey.

You're stretching? Heels and glutes into the floor. Push it down.

BLAYDEN: Your dad said you needed to bring in some new business.

So I'm here to get my will done. Oh. Good on Dad. OK.

Well, it's a $500 flat fee...

500 bucks?! ..for that, yep.

Jesus! Are you serious? Yeah.

That's what one of my signature Vibratrons cost.

How can a piece of paper be worth the same

as a high-end piece of wellness apparatus?

Uh, it's fairly standard. (GROANS)

In fact, it's pretty cheap. Yeah. All good. (GROANS)

Sorry. I think I just need a snack.

I worked out pretty hard today. Mm-hm.

You don't have a can of tuna on you? Uh, no.

I don't usually carry a... Salmon.

No. Some almonds? A protein ball?

I might...I might have a lozenge. Would that be...?

A protein lozenge? No, I don't think that's a thing.

Uh...oh! Ooh, ooh! Hey.

Hey! Look what I've got.

Blayden Blast. There you go. Blayden Blast. Hey.

Uh, uh, uh, mmm.

(SWISHES WATER)

Ugh!

That is the equivalent of three skinless chicken breasts

and one egg white.

Ooh. All the tasteless white bits. (SNAPS FINGERS)

Delicious. Mm-hm.

I always thought you put it INTO the water.

Alright. So the suit's been altered. Now just got to add some jazz.

The awards are tonight, so...

..I do still need to find something to wear today.

May! Have you seen my grey pants?

Hey, Webmaster. Hey, you look nice.

Thank you. Bit late, though, don't you reckon?

Oh, mate, after yesterday, we're fucked.

That's our new slogan, is it?

"Welcome to Gruber & Associates. We're fucked."

I mean, what if I'd been the mystery judge?

How did she even hear that? Is she bionic?

ROZ: Heard that! Oh.

Come on!

Mmm.

Alrighty, Phil, that's for you.

Repaired it. You'll never even notice.

In case you do, just to show no hard feelings, that's for you too.

Now, while I'm dealing things out, let's get you signing.

Okey-doke. There we go. That's a lot of paperwork!

Well, you had a lot of instructions, Phil.

What's all this going to cost? It must have taken hours!

Told you, flat fee. Do you mind if I read it?

Yeah, be illegal if you didn't, but do you mind if I stand up for a bit?

'Cause...oi...I'm wearing old pants and they are tight.

Oh, did you include the potato masher?

Check the index.

I added one at the back, in case you need to cross-check or reference.

I'm just gonna...sit here.

Oh! How are YOUR pants, Phil?

That's better. Oh, I wear mine quite loose.

I...I like sitting. I...I like to be comfortable.

Yep. I hear you. These used to fit me, before the divorce.

Mmm? Before I started eating my feelings.

Hm. You know how it is.

Hm.

(SIGHS)

Ooh! My hibachi's here.

Delivery for Fisk. Your name? Ray.

Ray Gruber.

(DOOR BANGS)

"Services rendered"? What's that about?

(MACHINE VIBRATES)

Nah, I don't like it. It's rattling my skeleton.

Here, let me have a go. You bringing anyone to the awards?

Yeah. My grandma. She loves to dress up.

You wait till you see what I'M wearing.

Oh, Roz, Roz! Come and have a go on the Team Gruber Vibratron. Whoo!

Yes, I heard about your dodgy contra deal.

You do realise we can get fined for that sort of thing,

taking payments under the table?

No, it's fine. It's worth 500 bucks.

So I'm gonna pay for it then gift it to the office.

It does feel weird, but then you get used to it and it's quite, like...

(MAKES VIBRATING NOISE)

What did I say? What?

I said best behaviour from everyone.

I asked you to dress nicely

and then you turn up in fancy dress as an air hostess.

What about today? I look really nice! Too little, too late.

Apparently, there was a fistfight in reception the other day?

You don't know...who told you...

Oh! That wasn't my fault.

Fisticuffs! My God, Helen.

And then there was the salty language

and the rolling around on the floor in front of a client.

Well, these pants are really tight.

I said to Raymond from the start you were not a good fit,

and if we lose this award because of you,

I'm going to take this stupid vibrator...

Excuse me, Roz. ..and I'm going to stick it where...

A courier dropped off this big body bag thing for you.

Thank you, George.

It's not a vibrator. It's a Vibratron.

ROZ: I heard that.

Hello, Dad. (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Um, Helen?

(LAUGHTER)

MAN: Can I get a photo of you three?

Who's the old woman? That's Dad's husband.

That's Viktor. No. The lady in the leopard print.

Oh, that's George's grandmother. Oh!

So 'pansexual' doesn't mean dating old people.

No. Why would it mean... No!

What? Pan?

Pandora? Wasn't she some old woman?

Oh. Oh, hello.

Oh, what have YOU done, Roz? (LAUGHS)

This is magical!

Absolutely wonderful. Thank you.

Well done. Thank you very much.

Ah, and I see you've come in fancy dress again, Helen.

No, this is my brown suit!

I did what you said. I jazzed it up. I had it altered.

Look at me now.

I don't recall saying turn your suit into a mariachi band costume.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, it's starting. It's starting.

You're sitting over there, Roz. Where?

You're not near me.

That's my dad, Roz.

Oh! That's my dad.

Justice Fisk!

Justice Fisk, what a delight to see you!

Champagne?

MAN: Please welcome your master of ceremonies, Mr Glenn Ridge!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you very much. That's very kind of you.

Uh, Mr Mayor, distinguished guests,

ladies and gentlemen and friends beyond the binary,

I'm Glenn Ridge, and it's certainly great to be with you

as we're coming to you from the elegant La Mirage ballroom.

I think you'll agree... Yes. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I think you'll agree it's one of the most versatile function rooms

in outer Melbourne.

There's no doubt about that.

But first the award for the best wok-based takeaway.

And the nominees are...

..My, My, That's Good Stir-Fry...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Congratulations to all the team at Rock Your Locks Off hair studio.

A very popular win, especially with the, uh, seniors,

and I do know that they do love the Pension Tuesday $60 cut and colour.

So well done, Antoinette.

Now, moving on to one of the big awards,

which is the Professional Services Award,

and, uh, to present this award, I'm going to hand it over

to one of our anonymous judging panel,

a man who's going to become anonymous no more.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome Phil Deacon?

(APPLAUSE)

Helen, look who it is!

HELEN: I see it, George. Shoosh.

That's it. We're out.

It's the guy whose book you ripped, remember?

It might be. It might not be. I haven't got my glasses.

We can't tell from this distance.

It is. Just...just shoosh. Just shoosh.

Myself and the other judges have spent the past four weeks

visiting the 28 businesses

that nominated themselves for this award.

Helen. Shh.

Hang on, Dad. This is our category. Y-y-yes. Of course.

I might have to leave. No, no, no. You can't go.

'Cause if we lose, they're gonna fire me.

I need you here. I need you here.

Alright. I'll stay a bit longer. Just stay. OK.

Thanks, Dad. Just sit down.

Stop being weird. Yes. Good idea.

Uh, the winner of the Professional Services Award is...

Don't make a fuss, Hels, but I think I'm having a heart attack.

..Pike Probate Services.

Oh, God. Jesus! No, no, Dad! Dad, Dad, Dad!

PHIL: And collecting the award...

Oh, God! ..Alice Pike.

Tony! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Helen! Yep, yep. I'm here, Dad. Yep.

I cherish you, Helen. (SNIFFS) Oh. I cherish you too, Dad.

Yeah, we all cherish you. You are cherished, my love.

I cherish you most of all. It's not a competition, Viktor.

You're over-cherishing him.

(BELL DINGS)

Oh, what a night! It really was, wasn't it?

All the stars were out last night.

Fisk! Morning.

(GASPS) How's Dad? Oh, better.

Out of intensive care, so that's good. Yep.

Thoughts and prayers. Thank you, Roz.

That's very comforting. Did we send a goodie bag, Roz?

Mm-hm. Yeah, yeah.

He loved the squishy gavel. Got a photo.

There we go. Oh, that's funny.

And the hat. Loving it.

Hey, Roz, I thought about what you said, and you're right.

I don't think I'm a good fit here.

I know how angry you guys must have been losing to Alice Pike last night.

Oh, not as angry as Alice Pike was when she woke up this morning

and saw the front cover of The Copeland Advocate.

Have a look at that. HELEN: Ethical Business Person? What?

I accepted on your behalf.

Why?

Because you weren't there.

Your father had a heart attack, remember?

Why did I win it?

Mystery judge Phil said you were a rare fish in a world full of sharks.

He said you didn't take advantage of a potentially vulnerable client.

He cited your attention to detail and, if you can believe it,

your unique ability to relate to people.

We did have a very good chat about pants.

Ta-da! George! You got me a fruitcake!

Yep. Old lady cake, just for you, Helen. Congratulations.

Oh, George, I was really looking forward

to that gorgeous mud cake.

Are you kidding? That's not cake. ROZ: No.

Alright. Everybody out. Celebration's over.

OK. I'll take the cake, but do I still have a job here?

Well, you did until you ruined my day.

I was really looking forward to the mud cake.

(LAUGHS) OK, it's good jokes, but do I still have...

Get out, and take your stupid block of raisins with you.

OK.

Straight to Facebook. Oh, you did it yourself.

HELEN: Would love to know if I have a job or not.

ROZ: You still have a job, Helen!

HELEN: OK. Mm-hm.

Here we go.

I'm so excited.

Fingers crossed, eh, Helen? Yeah.

Oh.

Petro, I'm sorry.

Georgios Papadakis is not your father.

Is he my half-father?

That's not a thing.

Cousin? No.

Petro, you're not related to the Papadakis family at all.

But I really love those guys. Yeah, I know.

And you can still love them. Just do it from 50 metres away.

Just do it from 150 metres away.

OK?

Do you want those?

Mmm.

I have a scrapbook.

(MACHINE VIBRATES)

(BEEPING) Oh.

Roz?

Roz, I can't turn it off. (BEEPING)

(VIBRATION INTENSIFIES)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation