Original subtitles

[ Hip-hop music with female vocals ]

[ Farm animal sounds ]

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Tense music ]

>> I wouldn't touch that piece if I were you, Clint.

>> Miss Diana I thought you were... >> In the shower?

Now raise both your hands up and turn around!

Nice and slow.

>> Have I been a bad wrangler, mam?

>> Nothing a little roll in the hay can't fix.

[ Upbeat, high tempo club music ]

[ Sound of waterfall, moaning ]

[ Horse sounds ]

[ Upbeat club music ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Country music ]

>> Oh Penelope our first real vacation!

I feel like we've been freed from office hell.

>> Don't mention the office, please!

I mean look we've got the green grass, the blue sky...

[Inhales deeply ] Ah the fresh country air!

This is the good life!

[ Laughs ] >> The double "D" dude ranch.

>> Yup, best in the west and we are going all the way.

>> Into the sunset?

>> Bare-backers add on, you better believe it girl.

>> Alright girls final stop!

>> Something feels really special about this place!

Like home sweet home.

I know we're gonna love it here, I just know it!

>> Morning ladies, welcome to the DD.

Don't worry about your bags I'll get that later.

Name's Lucky Luke.

>> As in lucky to work in paradise?

This place is way cool!

>> Titillating ain't it?

>> Are you really lucky, Lucky Luke?

>> That's a double "D" guarantee. And you are?

>> My name is Annie. >> And I'm Penelope.

>> The good the bad and the tender feet. How's about I show you to your rooms?

[ Giggles ] >> Well I could use a foot rub.

>> Don't be silly Annie c'mon!

[ Whimsical music ]

>> Well ladies here's your room, this is the end of the tour.

>> Wow, everything is so beautiful!

I can't wait to go explore, everything is just so good!

>> Yea, thanks for showing us around.

>> Need anything just holler, we're having a campfire at dusk,

hope to see you two ladies there.

[ Giggling ]

[ Whimsical music ]

>> Man I'm gonna love this place!

>> Me too! [ Giggles ]

>> Why don't we go freshen up before we hit the trails?

[ Pantomiming deeper male voice ]

>> Finest... [ indiscernible speech ] ... little lady.

>> Come with me.

[ Sound of shower ]

[ Upbeat electronic music ]

>> Have a seat Diana.

>> You can barge in here!

>> Luke let us in, isn't that right Dirk?

>> Yep.

>> Sherrie Underwood,

of all the dirty dealing scoundrels on this side of Hatchet County

the answer is still no.

>> Not even a peck on the cheek? You haven't even heard my proposition yet.

>> Cut and run Sherrie!

How many times do I have to tell you?

This ranch has been in the Dean family for six generations

and I aim to keep it that way!

>> Do you hear what I hear Dirk? >> I hear something alright.

Sounds like squawking.

>> We're done, we're double done now get out!

>> Feisty aren't we?

>> No, I've got a suitcase full of money saying that we're not done.

We're just getting started.

>> You're dirty money isn't welcome around these parts.

Underwood!

>> You and your horse pecker boyfriend sure make a nice couple,

sure would be a shame if something were to happen to him.

>> Out!

>> This ranch will be worth nothing but a dust fart after that highway is diverted

I can see it now, the dust dried dude ranch.

>> Out!

>> Well Dirk it looks like we've outworn our welcome again.

>> Where to now?

>> To bed of course, c'mon.

Well there's no other way, we gotta do it.

We won the ranch and the oil.

>> What about that wrangler, Clint?

>> Don't worry about him, I'm his poison.

>> You're mine.

[ Electronic music ]

[ Crickets ]

>> Shyla, now that's a pretty name.

>> All the boys call her Shy because that's what she is.

La la la, ain't that right?

>> Jill's such a liar.

All Shy girl really wants is a man to lasso her panties off.

>> I hear ya, all men should be rugged and rough.

>> You always have a dirty mind.

>> Hey just give me a pair of spurs and a mustang and I'll melt sugar into gold.

>> Man's gotta have a body like buried treasure, "X" marks the spot.

[ Laughing ] >> You got that right.

>> You girls sure are giggling rich.

That's what I like to hear.

>> Penelope over there's looking for a rugged suitor.

>> A birthday suit? I've got one of those.

Perhaps I could oblige her.

>> Oh yea, suit me up!

>> I had fun today, thanks for showing us around.

>> It's all in a days work.

You two ladies came in on the late bus.

Just a few hours ago. >> Straight from the airport.

>> And not a ranch hand in sight to help us with this horrible jet lag..

>> Ding dong, I think you both just struck oil.

>> How so?

I know a ranch hand sure can grease a skillet if you're not too shy.

It works wonders for jet lag.

>> But it's a bit "nippley" out here.

>> I'm talking cool hands and a warm fire.

Ladies, you game?

>> After you.

>> Have fun! Enjoy!

[ Fast tempo music ]

>> Sherrie Underwood is a disgrace to this community,

her money and her damn highway.

I am not gonna let her muscle me out of my family's ranch.

>> She's never been nothing but a damn dirty tramp.

And as for that other one, Dirk, dill rod or whatever his name is,

if he lays one finger on you...

>> This ranch, Clint, it's all I've got.

The Double D is my only home.

>> Dian Dean don't you worry, I got both hands in on the Double D pot.

We can handle this.

>> You're the best.

>> Gotta fight fire with fire.

>> Wow, where did you get this stuff, Annie?

It's got some kick.

>> Lucky Luke gave it to me.

>> Now pass me that whiskey, mam.

>> So uh, is that your six shooter?

>> That there is my pride and joy. Little Clint.

Best damn revolver from Abilene, Texas to Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

Or is it Taluca Lake?

>> Well I bet you know how to shoot a load or two.

>> A man can learn a lot working out here under the stars.

>> Yea, they're really beautiful.

Like a whole field of tiny winking bullets.

>> Would you like me to show you them stars up close?

>> I'd like that, yea.

>> Hey! It's loaded...

>> So am I.

>> Careful now, one squeeze of the trigger and Little Clint goes boom.

Lights out. Now c'mon, hand him back over.

>> So tell me, are you a real honest to goodness cowboy?

>> Baby, I got fire in my eyes.

>> Wow.

Say... why don't you teach me how to shoot sometime?

>> Are you serious!

>> Only if you're be hard on me.

>> Oh baby it'll be hard, real hard.

[ Soft piano music ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Electronic music ]

>> Have you ever dreamt of living in the big city?

>> Honey, I've had my share of traffic jams,

one night stands and rat race honky-tonk.

The Double D it's all that matters now.

>> I wish I could be free like you Miss Dean.

>> Don't let life do you sweetie,

you gotta lick it clean before the river runs dry.

>> Have you ever kissed a girl?

>> Um, I've kissed a girl or two yes, why?

>> Well, sometimes Penelope and I...

>> Shh, I know just what you mean.

[ 80's music ]

[ Gunshots ]

>> Good, good! Watch the kick on that.

Hey that's not half bad.

You keep this up and you'll out shoot me,

and there ain't nobody in this town better than me.

>> I bet you say that to all the city girls.

>> No, I only say that to ones with the breasts... I mean best aim!

[ Phone rings ]

Diana?

Hey, hey now calm down, what's the matter?

What? We'll be right there.

>> What's wrong? >> It's Diana, let's go check it out.

[ Sound of machinery running ]

>> Clint! Over here, over here.

Come!

>> What's the matter!

>> It's the aquifer, pipe's been sabotaged.

There is no water. >> Well hell!

>> I don't know, we're screwed!

>> You don't think... >> Who else is it gonna be?

>> Could you please tell us what's happening!

>> Quiet, now when did this happen?

>> Sometime last night? I mean the ranch is almost completely dry.

>> Those low down dirty sons of bitches!

>> Oh this is awful!

>> Miss Diana, Mr. Clint...

>> What is it!

>> I think we can switch to the backup well

and at least have a little water coming in by nightfall.

It's not perfect but... >> Will it hold?

>> A day or two...

>> I think that'll be our best bet.

Thank Lucky. Now get to it. >> No, no, no, wait, wait, wait...

Take the truck and report this to Sheriff McQuaid,

tell him that there's been a rat here and we're gonna take care of the problem.

>> Will do.

>> Kid sure is lucky. >> Yea but what are we gonna do!

>> You stay here with the girls and I'm gonna nip this snake in the bud.

>> You mean... >> Yea.

I'm gonna pay our friend Sherrie Underwood a little visit.

>> Give her my regards.

>> Could you please tell us what's happening.

>> It has to do with the ranch.

>> Are we in danger?

>> I don't think so, I'm not gonna let anything happen to anyone here.

That's a Dean family promise.

>> And the water? >> Lucky, he'll take care of that.

>> Diana, who is Underwood?

>> Sherrie Underwood, she's just a sleazy lawyer.

She's been harassing me for weeks trying to buy the Double D.

I guess she's just jealous of my double D's.

[ Laughing ]

[ All together ] >> We all are.

>> Well girls, c'mon now, I can take care of that.

Follow me.

[ Solo string fusion music ]

[ Heavy electronic music ]

>> Here we go!

Cheers.

>> Your whiskey is dry Underwood, single barrel?

>> You still double barreling it?

>> Why were you talking to Diana Dean yesterday?

>> I wanted to take your girl for a spin that's all.

>> Aquifer went to hell this morning but you already knew that, didn't you?

>> Are you accusing me of something?

>> As a matter of fact I am.

What did you do, have one of your henchmen go over and sabotage it?

>> You know I never kiss and tell.

Come here, let me show you something.

[ Pop music ]

>> So...

>> I can't be bought that easy, you should know that by now.

>> I... own you.

>> Thanks for the hooch but if I ever see you or Dirk

creeping around the Double D it ain't gonna be good.

Happy trails.

[ Piano notes ]

>> So what's the verdict?

>> I guess we're gonna have to scare them off.

>> People scare better when dying.

[ Phone ringing ]

>> Shh, shh, shh.

Hello?

The Sheriff!

Consider it done.

So Dean's unlucky gopher had a run in with the Sheriff,

tipped off the pig, even mentioned us by name.

>> Where's that pecker at?

>> Probably on his way back to the Double D.

>> I don't think he's gonna make it.

[ Radio music ]

>> Right on time.

>> What the...

Slippery oil? What's this all about?

>> Good morning!

>> Howdy miss. You do realize this land is property of the Double D Dude Ranch?

>> That's why I'm here, sir.

>> Slippery oil, what's that?

>> Just marking these areas for Texas T, apparently this land is filled with it.

>> Texas T... Wait a minute! Who sent you here?

Did Miss Dean send you?

>> It was... Sherrie Underwood.

Does that name ring a bell?

>> Bat shit on a dime it does!

>> It says here she's the sole owner of the Double D Ranch.

>> Underwood? Oil?

Hmm... wait a minute.

[ Gunshot ]

[ Screams ]

>> Is he gone? >> Shh, keep it down.

Aw son of a duck nosed signal!

Probably just a hunter mistaken us for some game.

>> You saved my life Mister!

>> I's lucky is all.

>> Are we safe here? >> I know, come with me just keep down.

>> I think my truck is just down that hill.

>> Swell!

>> You know back there you didn't have to do that for me.

>> Sometimes the risk is worth taking.

>> I think I need to repay you for saving my life.

[ Funky electronic music ]

>> Clint where are you!

[ Phone rings ]

Clint! Did you get Underwood to spill the beans?

>> The only thing Clint spilled was his load.

>> Underwood!

What have you done to Clint!

>> Your bull was here I satisfied him.

>> What do you want from us!

>> You know exactly what I want.

>> The Double D will never ever be yours.

>> There's something that you don't know about me, Diana.

>> And what's that?

>> I can be a real bitch when I don't get my way.

>> Lick my boots Sherrie.

>> And when I don't get my way I huff and puff.

>> Bring it on tramp!

>> And when I huff and puff Double D's get blown to dust.

>> Get to the point!

>> Sell or face the consequences.

>> I oughta grind your face in the mud.

>> In other words...

>> In other words... go to hell you crazy bitch!

>> I suggest you hightail it outta there

before the devil himself gets to the Double D.

>> Tell the devil we're ready.

Clint?

Is that you!

Sherrie... I just talked to her on the phone

I think her douche bag of a boyfriend is on his way.

>> It makes sense. I saw a strange truck out on the dirt road.

It must be his.

>> What are you gonna do!

>> What a man's gotta do.

>> Be careful.

[ Suspensful music ]

>> Dirk! I know you're out there, come on out and let's settle it like men.

[ Dramatic music ]

>> Over here.

>> Well I guess this is it, huh.

[ Western music ]

Whenever you're ready.

>> Say go.

[ Gunshot ]

>> It's over, Dirk.

It's over.

>> You heard him, honey, it's over.

>> So is it true what Diana and Clint were saying?

>> What were they saying?

>> Oh... just how you saved the day and all.

>> Well if it had anything to do with me being a six

shooting cowgirl from the big city... I'll take that.

[ Giggling ]

>> Hey now trying to steal my sweetie?

>> Well my hands are always in the cookie jar.

>> Now could I have everyone's attention!

>> Honey you can have the whole enchilada.

>> Well I just wanna thank all you ladies for supporting

the Double D and with the extra money we have coming

in we wanna make you all permanent members.

>> So you mean we're part of the Double D family now?

>> Girl, saddle up.

>> Now I especially wanna thank this pretty little lady over here.

If it wasn't for her I don't think I'd be standing here

in front of you all right now.

Penelope, you done good kid. Real good.

Thank you.

>> To Diana Dean and Clint!

The best in the west!

[ All together ] >> The best in the west!

>> Celebrate!

[ Electronic pop music ]

[ 80's music ]