Original subtitles

(tense ominous music)

(spaceship whirring) (tense dramatic music)

(laser buzzing) (people talking)

- (sighs) There goes my night off.

(watch buzzing)

("Monster Mash" by Bobby Pickett )

♪ was working in the lab, late one night ♪

♪ When my eyes beheld an eerie sight ♪

♪ For my monster from his slab, began to rise ♪

- No AI now, no AI ever!

♪ He did the mash, he did the monster mash ♪

♪ The monster mash, it was a graveyard smash ♪

♪ He did the mash, it caught on in a flash ♪

AI now, no AI ever!

♪ He did the monster mash ♪

♪ From my laboratory in the castle east ♪

♪ To the master bedroom where the vampires feast ♪

♪ The ghouls all came from their humble abodes ♪

♪ To get a jolt from my electrodes ♪

♪ They did the mash, they did the monster mash ♪

♪ The monster mash, it was a graveyard smash ♪

♪ They did the mash, it caught on in a flash ♪

♪ They did the mash, they did the monster mash ♪

(spaceship whirring)

(tense dramatic music)

(cellphone whooshing)

- Perez, talk to me.

- I'm at the Pentagon, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

- I'm seeing a huge waste of a sick day.

- You thinking what I'm thinking?

- We need them. - You bet your dog we do.

(tense dramatic music)

- I'm late for everything.

("Monster Mash" by Bobby Pickett )

♪ I was working in the lab ♪

♪ Late one night ♪

- [Can] Hey, watch it, I'm walking here.

♪ Yes, I was working in the lab late one night ♪

(robot whirring)

♪ With my eye, yeah ♪

♪ I said my eye, yeah ♪

(screen whooshing)

- [Announcer] Five years ago, he came out of hiding

from the wilderness in Quebec,

and now he's the world's

number one late night talk show host.

It's Squatch!

- Did you hear about this one?

"The Monster Mash" has been on the top

of the international charts for eight years in a row now.

Eight years in a row.

More like the millionth year in a row,

'cause it's the best song ever, am I right?

(crowd cheering)

(upbeat music)

- [Announcer] The Tyrimpson Corporation is proud

to introduce the Forever Bed.

The only bed that lives your life for you,

so you can stay asleep.

The Tyrimpson Corporation, serving humanity.

♪ A monster from his lab ♪

(smooth lounge music)

- I knew I could find you here.

- You got the wrong guy. - Just hear me out.

- Don't waste your time. - The agency needs you.

- The agency?

I don't know what you're talking about.

- You're just gonna pretend like your past doesn't exist?

Don't you remember when we saved

the Canadian ambassador's niece

from that bomb at the orchestra?

Or when we saved the Peruvian ambassador's niece

at the orchestra?

(gong sounding)

Or the Turkish ambassador's niece at the orchestra.

(gong sounding)

Listen carefully, because this is classified information.

Aliens have landed on earth.

- I legitimately think you have the wrong guy.

Maybe you could describe him to me,

and I could help you find him?

- You know, I used top know someone,

who would do anything to help.

A hero, after the library, everyone said the hero was dead,

but I didn't believe 'em.

Because that hero's name is Agent Chuck Lawson,

but I guess he is dead.

- I'm an elementary school nurse.

- Chuck Lawson.

There's a name I haven't heard in a while.

- What?

- Told you you had the wrong guy.

(Marge laughing)

- You know, can I get a picture, just one picture?

Let's just right over here.

Yeah.

- What? - Oh, just you can.

- Oh sorry.

- Marge Daniels, what are you doing in a place like this?

You know if you're looking to meet someone,

I hear Bot-tender is single.

- [Robot] Bot-tender cannot feel love, only sadness.

- Okay.

Okay, let's drink.

- Not me, Chuck, I'm working. - Well, more for me.

Hey, I remember back back in our day,

we used to use a real camera for that kind of thing.

- Yeah, back in your day? - Exactly.

(both laughing)

- Something big happened, Chuck.

- Yeah, I don't buy it.

(cash register dinging)

- You're the only one who can crack it.

- That I do buy.

- [Marge] We need you to come back.

- (sighs) look, I appreciate it,

but you know what happened to me.

- You don't have to let the library ruin your life.

- It already has, I'm broken.

- You're not even right handed.

- I'm ambidextrous, or I used to be once.

- Chuck-- - Look!

(cup clanking)

(slow somber music)

- I know that you're used to being

the one that saves the day.

You still can.

- Well if it isn't Brock Anchorage.

(uptempo electronic music)

You should have told me you were gonna be here,

I would've worn my ass-beating clothes.

- well, I see instead you opted for your ass-eating clothes.

- No. - Where's my money?

And my girls?

- Look, you shouldn't be equating women to money, it's 2061.

- You might wanna step back,

unless you wanna take a very thorough shower a little later.

- Oh my, is this?

No - Wait, what, say it.

Diggins Jeffry, the genius behind the heist of '49?

- The one and only, baby.

- Wow, I didn't know you were out of prison.

This is embarrassing,

but may I get a picture with you please?

- Sure, but right after I take care.

- No, no, just real quick.

(camera shuttering)

What the hell?

(uptempo electronic music) (Diggins grunting)

- Hey!

- Get the hell out of here, Diggins, before I arrest you.

- Well, now that you've discharged a firearm

in a public place,

I can either bring you back to headquarters

with a badge on your chest,

or cuffs on your wrists.

- How about a drink in my mouth (chuckles)?

- You know, Serena's gonna be there?

(slow uptempo music)

- Really?

- Yeah, she said no at first,

but then she changed her mind.

- Good seeing you, Marge, thanks for the drinks.

- Cash or credit? - Dammit (sighs).

(cash register dinging)

- [Fazu] When ya gonna pay ya rent,

Agent Zalot, Drink Zalot!

- Who created you, Fazu?

I eman who created a robot

whose sole purpose is to be a landlord?

- [Fazu] Who created a human whose sole purpose

is to be an asshole?

- Good night, trash bot.

- [Fazu] I want the rent on my hard drive

by tomorrow morning!

(cars honking)

(arm whooshing)

- [Insta-Food] Welcome to the Tyrimpson Food--

- Pizza - I'm sorry say that again.

- Pizza.

(Insta-food buzzing) (Insta-food dinging)

(pizza sizzling)

(chuck sighing)

(tiger roaring)

(light whooshing)

(slow somber music)

(phone whooshing)

(Chuck sighing)

(buttons ticking) (phone ringing)

- [Recording] Hello, you've reached The Agency.

This call may be recorded for quality assurance,

you can get started by saying phrases like,

I'd like to enter The Agency (screams).

Or nose job.

- I'd like to enter The Agency.

- [Recording] You've selected nose job,

if this is incorrect, say no.

If it is correct, say nose.

- No. - You've selected nose.

Unfortunately we do not do nose jobs.

- No, I would like to enter the agency.

- You've selected, I'd like to enter The Agency.

If that's correct, say yes.

If that's incorrect-- - Yes.

- [Recording] Okay great, in order to enter The Agency,

I'll just need your full name to check

that you're in our system.

- I'm the Chuck Lawson.

- [Recording] You said Lee Chuck Awesome.

If this is correct, say yes.

If this incorrect, say no. - No, no, no,

it's Chuck Lawson.

- [Recording] You said Buck Dawson.

If this is correct, say right. - Chuck Lawson.

- Chuck Sausage, if this-- - Chuck Lawson.

- [Recording] Fuck Lawson, if this is correct, say yes.

If this incorrect, say no. (Chuck screaming)

you've selected (screams), if this is correct, say yes.

If this incorrect, say no.

- Look, this is Agent Chuck Lawson,

I hold the all-time record for arrests at The Agency,

which I'm trying to get into right now,

So I can, I don't know, safe the world.

Okay, Chug Lawson, please take your visitor pass,

and enjoy your stay at The Agency.

Good bye. - Wait, wait,

How do I enter The Agency (grunts).

(phone beeping)

(people talking)

- Chuck Lawson,

welcome home.

(uptempo patriotic music)

- Well, I must have forgotten

to take my blood pressure pills, died,

and went to hell, how ya been?

- Well, I'm still Chuck Lawson, so better than most people.

(both whirring)

- Chuck, meet Stokes and Forrest,

the two partners that just tied your arrest record.

- And we're engaged.

- No case will ever tear us apart.

(uptempo whimsical music) (lips smacking)

- So if they have the arrest record, then what's this sexy beast still doing here?

- Me? - Not you pal, the picture.

- Okay.

- Oh yeah, we'll take care of that,

it just happened yesterday.

They caught two real-life magicians

using their full-blown magic to rob a bank.

It was amazing, oh.

(picture whooshing) - Congratulations.

(couple applauding) (monkey dinging)

- Last but not least,

well, you two don't need an introduction.

- Well, Chug, it's nice to see you.

- I know. - How you been?

- Kick ass, and you?

I see he treats you well.

- What? - Your new boyfriend.

- Oh, I don't have a new--

- Got your tattoo removed.

That could be from time or embarrassment,

but the pollen on your right sleeve says otherwise.

It's from the Strelitzia plant, or however you pronounce it,

I don't know, I'm not South African,

but the plant is, it doesn't grow in this climate,

so it's pretty expensive to import.

- So maybe I--

- Maybe you work for a florist, yeah, maybe.

But you got to think, if you were trimming the plant,

which you have to do constantly, 'cause you're right handed,

you would use your left hand to hold the plant,

and the right hand to hold the shears,

getting all the pollen on your left hand.

Someone definitely handed you that flower.

And plus, why would you work at a florist?

You hate flowers.

In conclusion (sighs),

you have a brand new boyfriend,

who obviously knows nothing about you.

- Well, you almost haven't changed at all.

- Thank you.

- Parrot airport. - What?

- I just thought if I said something random,

you'd shut up.

- There's nothing open to shut.

Let's do it.

- Chuck, Serena, earlier today,

alien beings landed on Earth.

- Where?

- A little league field in Delco.

(tense dramatic music)

- So what, we just mingle with some Ets,

and get our name on the front page?

Sounds easy enough.

- No, if you do your job right,

this story doesn't hit the news at all.

This kind of information

would send the public into a frenzy.

- Well, what are we doing here?

- We were just waiting for Chuck.

Meet at the baseball field in 0100 hours.

Chuck, stay, you need to gear up with our tech expert.

- Director Daniels. - How you doing?

- Chug, my name's Q-U-I-N-N.

Quinn, my name is Quinn.

Allow me to introduce you to the new Agency Kit.

Just go ahead, and place your hand on the crest.

- I can't.

- Either hand will do. - Oh okay.

(case whooshing)

- So what does this do?

- I mean it tells time of, unless you know how to use it!

(watch whooshing) (man screaming)

- Not too bad.

- And these, these are your waterproof,

bulletproof shoes, they're perfect for walking,

unless you know how to use 'em!

(shoes whooshing) (man screaming)

- Yeah, I think I got that as a graduation gift,

a kindergarten graduation gift.

- Cute, now this--

- Let me guess, let me guess.

You write with it, of course, unless you know how to use it!

(pen clicking)

Then it's string?

- Unless you know how to use it!

(string whooshing)

- [Woman] Can you shoot somewhere else?

- Anything useful in here?

- I mean everything else you can find an app for

on The Agency phone.

Oh, and the most important thing,

the uniform.

(slow patriotic music)

- Well how do I look? - Sexy.

- Yup, we'll be right there, Madam President.

Enough dress up, boys, it's time.

("Monster Mash" by Bobby Pickett )

♪ I was working in the lab, late one night ♪

♪ When my eyes beheld an eerie sight ♪

♪ For my monster from his slab, began to rise ♪

♪ And suddenly to my surprise ♪

♪ He did the mash, he did the monster mash ♪

- Congratulations, we have arrived at an empty.

(metal thudding) (Chuck screaming)

(object whooshing)

(object whirring)

(lights blowing)

(slow dramatic music)

- Holy-- - Ship is fully camouflaged.

- It popped up on our radars at the Pentagon.

We knew there was no time to get warrants or mandates,

not that I care, from Congress to send the army in,

but that's when I knew we needed The Agency.

- But how do we even know they wanna talk to us?

- We don't.

(invisible steps whirring)

(uptempo jazz music)

- Why is everything so old timey?

- It looks like something from the 1900s.

- 1950s, kid.

The United States experienced thousands of UFO sightings

in the early 1900s, the strange thing is though,

they all stopped during the late 1950s.

My guess, they were observing us,

Trying to use the information to create something familiar

for when they finally did make contact.

- So they want us to be comfortable?

I'd say that's good.

- I recarpeted my guest bedroom.

- Really? - Yeah.

I went with like a light gray.

- Oh. - Yeah,

it really opens up the space, it's nice.

- Guys, can you believe that we're gonna be the first people

to make contact with alien life.

We got to show 'em something that makes us human.

Like art, art is what makes us human.

- You're so right, babe, and math.

Any civilization who has this type of technology

must know simple math.

- Oh my god, you're so right,

I just wanna propose to you so badly right now.

- (giggles) But you already did.

- Hey, I have a proposal for you,

why don't you both shut the hell up?

(both laughing)

- Dude, honestly, sick joke.

I mean usually I'm the funny one around here,

but like it's great to have someone else.

- You guys are missing the target.

We're not here tom show them our report cards,

we're here to find out what the aliens want.

- Well, I mean some people think they're here

to take our jobs, but I just don't agree with--

- Serena! - What?

I didn't think it was that bad of a--

- Everybody down!

(tense dramatic music)

Daddy's Little Princess.

(object thudding)

- Chongos.

- Peanut butter chongos.

- It's a peace offering.

They want to give us something earthly.

- Great idea, eat the poison treats.

Is this the kind of quick thinking

that broke the arrest record?

- We did that with love.

- I mean if the aliens wanted to kill us,

they probably would have done it already.

- I'm still shacked up at my mom's.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- How's Darlene?

- She's gotten better. - How's the hip?

I heard her hip was-- - She just, she loves sports.

- You got to tell Darlene to lay off that hip, man.

- You try telling her. - She cannot--

- You try telling her.

- I'll give her call, say,

"Darlene, you cannot play tackle football.

Tag at most, tag at most, you know.

- She is a beast out there.

- What does your gun say? - Daddy's Little Princess.

- I don't get it, is your gun the little princess,

and you're it's daddy?

- Or are you daddy's little princess,

and that's just your name on it.

- No, I just thought it was funny.

(television buzzing)

(creature growling)

- Hello?

(creature burping)

- It sounds like a rhythm.

- They must communicate through music.

♪ I was working in the lab late one night ♪

- What is your purpose here?

(creature growling)

- What are they saying?

- They're saying,

We're here to kill Stokes and Forrest?

(both gasping)

- What is your purpose here?

(creature growling)

- Maybe we should get out of here.

(logo whooshing)

- Looks like lobsters?

- Sideways lobster, upside-down lobster,

two lobsters holding hands,

one on the outside that's jealous of it, and Tyrimpson?

- But why isn't that in alien?

- Because it's a proper noun, Agent, it doesn't translate.

It looks like I just booked an all-expense-paid vacation

to the Tyrimpson Corporation.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You see Tyrimpson's name in one message,

and all of a sudden you have a whole plan, what's going on?

- There's no time to explain.

- But there kind of is time to explain,

'cause we still have to walk through like the whole ship,

and back to the field and everything.

- Fine.

(tense dramatic music)

Serena is right, we can assume the aliens are friendly,

because they didn't try to kill us,

and because they gave us the chocolate--

- [Forrest] Peanut butter.

- Peanut butter chongos as a peaceful gesture.

Now, we know that the reason why they're here

has something to do with Tyrimpson.

You'd assume they didn't fly all this way

just to let us know that Tyrimpson is a pretty cool dude.

My guess, it's a warning.

They're probably trying to warn us about some plan

of Tyrimpson, and if we don't act now, we're gonna.

Does anyone know how to open this door?

(door squaking) Thank you.

- Well, I got a guest bedroom

that quite frankly I don't know why,

'cause I don't have that many guests,

but you're more than welcome to stop by,

stay a couple of nights. - God, she'd kill me,

she really would. - Oh.

- I'm going to go to Tyrimpson's lab

to figure out what's going on. - Alone?

- [Chuck] Fine, Serena, you can come with me.

Shrek and Fiona, you stay behind

and decode the alien's message.

- What's a Shrek?

- So what's the story?

- Better send some adult diapers to heaven, Marge,

Sherlock Holmes is about to shit himself.

(upbeat music)

(tense dramatic music)

Henchmen, searchlights, case closed, bad guy.

- What's the plan?

(buttons dinging)

Got it.

(tense whimsical music)

(keypad whooshing)

- What is taking so long?

(henchman grunting) (keypad buzzing)

- There's a two in there somewhere.

That's not my birthday.

(keypad buzzing) It's someone's birthday.

(gate whooshing)

(uptempo rock music)

(hoverboard whooshing)

(punch thudding)

- Got a cheese pizza here.

- I can sign for that. (punches thudding)

(punches thudding)

(clothes whooshing) (zipper zipping)

(tense dramatic music)

- Ow, ow.

Chuck (grunts).

Go!

(Chuck sighing)

- Can you please tell me what we're looking for?

- Sorry, I thought it was so obvious,

I didn't need to explain.

(camera whooshing)

I probably have something on here to deal with it.

(phone whooshing)

what about this guy?

- [Phone] The eaves dropper.

- How does it work?

- I don't know I guess we just talk,

and it does something with our voice.

Okay, well I figure whatever the aliens are here

to warn us about.

- [Woman] I don't wanna get married.

- [Man] Finally, you admit it.

- It has to be in one of these rooms,

so we're gonna search them.

- [Man] I wish you the best of luck in LA.

- [Woman] I don't wanna rush in some wedding, just--

- So glad you're here, Chuck,

and I would've never come up with that brilliant plan

on my own.

- [Woman] Please don't walk out on me, Chuck.

- But we're not just looking around for random stuff,

we're looking for evidence, Serena.

- [Man] Frankly, Erica, I don't give a damn what you need.

- All right, well I think this room is clear,

let's move on. - Oh no, no, no, Chuck,

we should search everything.

- It's just a break room, we already checked it.

- Yeah, well if I were Tyrimpson,

I certainly wouldn't hide it in a room

labeled evil invention.

- But it is an evil invention,

it's not just random thing like pizza.

Oh sick, pizza.

Pizza?

- Oh, no thanks, I'm not hungry.

- Wait, didn't you like eat six hours ago?

- Well, I ate a very big dinner,

and lunch, and breakfast.

I'm not hungry!

- You don't eat pizza when you're hungry,

you eat it when it's around,

that's the whole point of pizza.

- Okay, well, we shouldn't even be eating the pizza,

because what if somebody comes in here,

and they realize that there are missing slices?

- They'll just think a coworker took it,

and they'll leave a passive aggressive note,

come on, eat up.

- I don't like pizza, okay?

I don't like pizza.

What's wrong with that?

Does it make me a freak?

- Yes, you are a freak, every human ever love pizza,

ever since the beginning of pizza

when Ben Franklin declared it the national food of America.

(angelic choral music)

(Chuck munching)

(footsteps thudding)

(tense ominous music) (guard humming)

(laser buzzing)

What the hell, Serena?

Why did you shoot her?

- I don't know, I just panicked!

- You just hand her a can,

it's the classic hand 'em a can routine.

(both sighing)

We were wearing the uniforms, you didn't need to,

I guess we didn't need to hide in the first place.

- What are we gonna do with 'em?

Like what if somebody comes in here,

and like finds it?

(uptempo funk music)

- Howdy!

- (sighs) Yeah, that's not gonna work.

- [Director] So let's lean in.

- But wait. - Look at each other.

(uptempo funk music)

- Howdy!

(tense dramatic music)

(door unlatching) (room whirring)

Mnemosyne Depositum.

Mnemosyne is the Greek goddess, Memory,

I'm willing to bet the depositum probably means deposit.

- So this could be where Tyrimpson stores his memories.

- That's exactly what I was thinking,

just like Dumbledore from, you know, from "Harry Potter."

- I wouldn't know, I've never seen it.

What?

- Yeah, I've never seen "Harry Potter"!

I just don't like old movies.

- No, no, no, no, we saw it together,

you know when we first starting dating?

- Oh right, yeah, yeah, I forgot, I'm sorry.

- It's fine, all right.

Let's do this.

(helmet whirring)

(upbeat music) (logos whirring)

(clock ticking)

(image whooshing)

- [Perez] Gerbil barbershop quartet.

Now the call just came in, Mayor Sandoval is missing.

- Serena, go to City Hall,

see if there's anything in his office.

Chuck, you head over to the art museum.

This is a direct connection to the missing paintings

stolen by Libyan art smugglers.

(tense dramatic music)

- Serena! - The office is a dead end.

They have the mayor at the Technology Center,

it's gonna blow up. - How do you know?

- There's a riddle here, it says,

"Find me at the place with hundreds of stories."

it has to be the Technology Center,

it's the tallest building in Philly.

- [Serena] Or it could mean stories like books, the library?

- Yeah, that's more complex,

it makes sense, it's probably there.

- [Serena] It could be either though.

You're closer to the Technology Center,

so you check there, I'll check the library.

- No, no, it's definitely the library.

I'll meet you there.

- [Serena] What's the harm in checking just to be sure?

(tense dramatic music)

(monkey buzzing)

(explosion booming) (glass shattering)

(logos whooshing)

(Chuck grunting)

- [Serena] What'd you see?

- Not much, just some of Tyrimpson spreadsheets,

and dirty movies, pornos (pants).

(tense dramatic music)

Let's keep looking.

(door latching)

- [Robot] Insert $1.

- All right, I got a dollar in here somewhere, sorry.

- Okay.

- One second.

- You know, I don't care what anyone says,

you still got it.

(coin clanking) (robot dinging)

(robot whooshing)

(tense dramatic music)

- [Robot] Armor suit test initiating.

This is not a simulation. (simulation whooshing)

Fingerprint invalid. (gunshots booming)

- They're tracking our motion.

(gunshots booming)

(explosion booming)

We have to jump out at the same time!

- Right to trip the sensor.

- On the count of three.

One. - Two.

- Three. (tense dramatic music)

(sensor beeping) (gunshots booming)

(simulation whooshing)

- (pants) You all right?

"Oh, I think I have a dollar in here somewhere."

- Okay. (boots marching)

- What's that?

- More like where are they going.

(tense dramatic music)

You need to be dead to have a memorial.

(tense ominous music)

- Mark?

Kathleen?

I didn't know you guys were working outside today (laughs)!

We are, Algernon.

- We haven't worked outside together in forever!

- Yeah, weird,

I guess we've just been scheduled differently.

- Oh, I did get fired.

Yeah, I mean they took me right back when I got better.

- Oh cool.

- Better at what?

- Oh no, I got very, very sick,

and they replaced me like right away.

- Well. - Oh my gosh.

That just reminded me.

I have to transfer Shamus that money.

It's from that one day

when we all went to dinner after work,

and I ate some of Shamus's chips,

and he said "Hey you better transfer me some cash for those"

and I said "Ha, ha Shamus, you're a funny dude",

and he said, "No seriously Algernon,

"those are my chips, and I'm hungry,

"I ordered the appetizer size, not the entree,

"and there's not enough for you,

"besides you keep chewing them up,

"and spitting them into your napkin, it's disgusting."

- Okay, it's been super great getting to catch up,

and everything, but we really got to go.

- You're right, don't wanna get fired again.

But I will see you guys around,

hopefully in the next couple of minutes.

- Yeah, or not, bye-bye.

Jesus.

Back on planet Earth,

the world's greatest detective

is about to break his arrest record.

- [Robot] Access denied, outside badges not permitted.

- Hey world's greatest detective.

- [Both] Algernon. - What's up, Kathlark?

(both screaming) - [Both] Jesus!

- We were just talking about how

I didn't get one of your world famous hugs.

I forgot to hug you, yeah.

- I noticed that too, but I didn't wanna say anything.

(Chuck whimpering)

(Algernon giggling) (Chuck grunting)

- Oh wow, Mark, I'm super jealous of that hug.

- That is such a good hug, Kathleen.

We should get a picture to commemorate this moment.

- I was thinking the same thing,

but I didn't wanna say anything.

- Okay.

Ready?

(camera snapping)

- Why'd you flash her?

- [Chuck] I don't do hugs.

- [Robot] Access granted.

(tense dramatic music)

- Ow.

(pipe dripping)

- Oh my god, Serena,

it's been infected by the deadly chemical, H20.

- Whoa, whoa.

- What are those?

- See-through-clothes glasses.

- What? - I'm just kidding.

But seriously where did you get that piercing?

- Shut up. (both chuckling)

- They don't even work.

- Chuck.

Why do you think we broke up?

(slow somber music)

well, it's after the library incident,

you just started looking at me differently.

You fell in love with Agent Chuck Lawson,

the hero who always save the day,

not the idiot who killed the mayor.

- I didn't break up with you,

because I saw you differently, Chuck.

I broke up with you because you started acting differently.

I don't care if you're a hero or not,

I loved you back at the academy,

before you were Agent Chuck Lawson.

After the library thing, you just got so distant.

- I was too ashamed to say how I felt.

- Well, that's the problem with people,

they never say what they really mean.

- Sometimes the thing you're looking for

was right in front of your face the entire time.

There it is.

This must be the invention.

- [Serena] What does it do?

I think it's mind control.

It's probably connected to everyone's brains,

and Tyrimpson speaks his commands into it.

- Do you really think Tyrimpson could be capable

of something that sophisticated?

- He's invented things that control

people's behavior before.

He's probably building up to this.

I mean he's probably been working on controlling people's--

- Hello agents.

A strange time of night for a tour,

but I suppose I don't have anything better to do

at 03:00 a.m.

(tense dramatic music)

Step this way.

Yes, come on.

Keep coming.

Closer.

The tour begins here.

At the same, you could go a little faster if you wanted.

Just a smidge more.

You have to step on the thing.

(upbeat music) Perfect.

Shall we?

Although we are a technologically-based company,

we like to remain entrenched in nature,

hence the horticulture.

This room alone contains over 63 different specie of plant.

And all those plants, require a lot of?

Water, yes, so I designed the irrigation system.

The pipes drop water on the plants at ideal times

during the day, or by command,

using one of the buttons you see around the room.

As you can probably guess by the exquisite nature

of the architecture of my manor,

I'm an assiduous patron of the arts.

- Yeah, I was thinking assiduous too.

- This is a sculpture of me I hired an artist to make.

- It's very abstract.

- No, it's not done yet.

Would you humor me, and allow me to show you

some of my latest inventions?

- Why not?

- Wonderful.

Right this way.

This is one of my most proudest designs.

A short-distance teleportation device.

Now, of course, living tissue would be torn apart

if subjected to teleportation,

but this works on firmer objects.

(teleporter whooshing)

there goes Mr. Sunglasses (laughs).

Let's move on, shall we.

Now, this is the Hypermagnet.

You turn it on, and it attracts metal to it.

It's a magnet.

Now, this is the Hyperbounce, it's a child's toy really.

You switch it on, and it creates five times

the elastic response.

Mr. Sunglasses will demonstrate.

(sunglasses thudding) (glass shattering)

(object whirring)

let's move along, shall we?

Now, I call this the precipitation machine.

You just shake it up, and frozen precipitation

forms and falls within the dome.

- So it's like a snow globe?

- No, a snow globe has snow,

this has glitter, it's very different and cool,

'cause it has my picture in it.

Now, this next one is.

- Dr. Tyrimpson, Freeze!

(orb dailing)

- What now, Chuck?

Are you going to call me to death?

- [Voicemail] The caller you are trying to reach.

- Dr. Tyrimpson freeze. - Is not available.

- But I

thought it was-- - a cellular phone, Chuck.

It allows you to call anyone, anywhere,

without the need for cell service or wifi.

A most helpful thing, you see no cell phone company

has coverage at Tyrimpson Manor.

It uses naturally occurring electromagnetic waves

that can travel through anything even a vacuum.

Go ahead, call Director Daniels.

- Call Marge Daniels. - Calling Marge Daniels.

- [Marge] Chuck, I've been trying to get a hold of you.

Where's Serena?

Listen, Stokes and Forrest decoded the aliens' message!

The aliens are inviting us to join a galactic alliance!

They want to take us and President Sachs

to sign treaties and celebrate.

Thank you both for your help, I'll see you soon!

So I was-- - Wrong?

Don't look so surprised, Chuck,

it's hardly the first time.

Your infamous mix-up at the library?

Did you blow up the mayor or something?

Actually, Chuck, the death toll was two that night.

The mayor, yes, but my husband, Frank.

He worked there, and that night,

he didn't come home.

I think you two should leave now.

Don't forget your souvenirs.

(tense dramatic music)

- How could I've been so wrong?

Look, I'm something,

there's got to be something else, there's got to be something more.

Why was he so calm?

Why was Tyrimpson so calm when there's two agency detectives

just wandering through his lab in the middle of the night?

That's suspicious, right, there's got to be more.

No Chuck, there's nothing more.

You heard what Marge said,

they've figured out their purpose, case closed.

- Case not closed, case open, case very, very open!

Why was his name in the message,

and everything else was written in lobster.

- Hey, take a breath, okay?

You don't always have to be a hero.

They solved the case, everything's fine.

- But the message and The Connection.

- Hey, I have something for you.

(slow somber music)

- Whoa.

Where did you find a record player?

- Flea market.

Actually I got it for you when we were dating,

but then, you know, the library happened and all that,

I never gave it to you, but.

- Thank you.

Don't suppose you picked up any records, did you?

It's the only one they had.

- Of course.

("Monster Mash" by Bobby Pickett )

It's not so bad.

♪ I was working in the lab, late one night ♪

May I have this dance?

♪ When my eyes beheld an eerie sight ♪

♪ For my monster from his slab, began to rise ♪

Is this real?

♪ And suddenly to my surprise ♪

Serena Fox slowdancing with Chuck Lawson outside?

♪ He did the monster mash ♪

- Doesn't feel real.

♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪

♪ He did the mash ♪

Should we go?

I mean there might be other guards here,

or people around.

- As far as they know, we're just one of them.

- You think this is regular behavior

for Tyrimpson employees?

- No.

♪ The ghouls all came from their humble abodes. ♪

This is.

(record scratching)

♪ The aliens are coming, trust them ♪

♪ They did the monster mash ♪

♪ Sign the treaty ♪

♪ The aliens are coming, trust them ♪

♪ Sign the treaty ♪

(upbeat music)

Wait, this is so much bigger than we thought!

Serena, The aliens aren't warning us about Tyrimpson,

they're working with Tyrimpson.

He's must've been communicating with them through that orb.

The Connection between him and the aliens,

can speak to people through vacuums, like space.

Tyrimpson probably hid that message in "Monster Mash"

to brainwash people into trusting the aliens.

That's why that godforsaken song

was on the radio all the time.

- But what about the message they sent?

We decoded it, we know that they just want the world leaders

to sign a treaty. - They probably decoded it wrong.

The world leaders, why would Tyrimpson want

all the world leaders to go with the aliens?

- Mark, Kathleen?

What are you guys still doing outside?

Whoa, is that a record player?

I've never seen one before, but I know what it does,

it plays old music, like dubstep.

I did have a day dream one time

where I was riding the grooves like a boat.

(gunshot booming)

- What was that?

- Look. (head sizzling)

- So anyway, I was wondering if you guys

came up with any cool nicknames for me yet.

- Here, check this out.

(camera shuttering)

- I was thinking maybe a cool nickname could be

Algernone-of-your-business-boy!

- Yeah, I noticed it didn't work when I blanked her earlier.

- What? - No AI now, no AI ever.

That's the platform that Sach's about to win her reelection

on, and I'm willing to bet Daddy's Little Princess

that all the world leaders are in agreement.

Tyrimpson probably used The Connection to strike a deal

with the aliens to get the world leaders out of the way,

so he can initiate his sick robot fantasy.

That's a perfect plan, a pretty genius one,

except for the fact that he didn't count for me

to be so fucking awesome at being a detective.

Thank god for Roe v. Wade,

'cause we're about to shut this baby down.

What should we do? - You're asking me?

- Can't always be the hero.

- Okay, I'm going to stay here,

and I'm going to try and find signal so I can call Marge,

and tell her not to let the leaders on the ship.

You should go and find Dr. Tyrimpson, and stop him,

before it's too late.

- Just like taking orders from a baby.

- Go!

(tense dramatic music) (alien squawking)

- I understand that you're hungry,

but you'll just have to wait until they all board the ship.

(alien squawking)

No, I don't know what goes well with human.

(alien squawking)

No, I don't think that because I'm a human,

I should know that.

- It's not a galactic alliance, it's a galactic buffet.

- lIsten, 10 more minutes,

and you'll have all the human rigatoni you can eat.

(watch whooshing)

(tense ominous music)

- Come on, please. (Serena gasping)

- Chuck?

What time is it?

- 3:42 a.m.

- We don't have much time.

- Okay.

(grunts) I'm assuming you're up to speed on everything

since you've made it this far,

but I guess the only thing you probably haven't figured out

by now is how and why I'm here.

Did you say it was 3:42 a.m.?

- Yeah. - Okay, god,

it means we have about 10 minutes,

let me just give you the quick version.

Okay, so when Marge assigned me to this case, I declined,

however I decided to do a little bit of sleuthing.

So I traced all the calls from earth to space,

and I cross-referenced them with all the calls

received from the international space station.

And all the calls that weren't,

were coming from Tyrimpson's estate.

So I came here to investigate, found out his plan,

but he stopped me before I could do anything.

So all we have to do now is just call Marge,

before the ship takes off with the president.

Unless of course, you already did that?

- No, no, actually, I did not, but Serena.

Okay, Tyrimpson did make a AI double of you,

and I have been kind of working with it all night,

and it is sort of, like,

right outside, and it said it was gonna call Marge now.

- Even though there's no reception in the entire estate?

- Yeah, yeah, I kind of think that maybe

it was lying using that as a distraction

so I wouldn't catch Tyrimpson.

- Okay, well we need to get The Connection.

Okay, here's the plan.

You go and find Tyrimpson, and distract him,

just hold him off as long as possible.

- Okay, I can tell this joke I know,

it's like a super long joke,

it has like this really cool build towards a punchline,

so it's really long, it's funny all the way through.

- Okay, okay, just stop him from getting the orb, okay?

- Okay, got it.

Okay, let's do it.

- I need a gun.

- Oh, right.

Yeah, just-- - Daddy's Little Princess.

- Don't pull the trigger until you--

- Okay, thank you, Chuck.

Can you just go out there,

and make it look like you came from the outside.

- Got it, okay.

(tense dramatic music)

- Hey, Dr. Tyrimpson, I'm sorry to bother you.

I think I left,

Hey, have you heard the one about the--

- The agent who left his partner behind to die?

- Hey, hey, let's just.

Okay, let's just take it easy Tyrimpson.

- You know, Charles, I gave you your chance.

You could have just walked out of here,

and everyone would've lived happily ever after.

Well not everyone, but you and Serena.

(tense dramatic music)

- Okay, let her go, let Serena go.

- Or what, you'll shoot my girlfriend in the face?

Oh wait, that's my thing.

So I think I'll be giving you orders here.

- Chuck, just do what he wants (sobs).

- What do you want.

- I want you to be the hero, Chuck.

I'll give you a choice.

Either I kill you, or I kill Serena.

Which will it be?

- I got it, what if we did like a half-daddy situation,

like kill half of both of us?

You know, maybe like shoot her in the arm and the leg,

you shoot me in the arm and leg,

and then you got a whole person.

- You know. - I.

(tense dramatic music)

(Serena grunting)

- You think you can kill me?

(gunshot booming)

- You can't.

It's over.

This is beyond you.

(spaceship whooshing)

This beyond you.

(tense ominous music)

- So what's your game?

What, you're gonna save the world?

Couple of robot workers will fix the economy?

Make you millions of dollars?

Is that what you served up the president of The Agency

like a hot, tasty Christmas goose?

(screen whooshing) (light whirring)

Okay, judging by your reaction,

I either misread your plan,

or you're weirded out by the hot, tasty thing.

(tense dramatic music)

- You're just like everyone else.

You think this is all about money?

Death.

Have either of you ever had a loved one die?

- Yeah, but look I don't really need the full speech, okay?

- The human body is frail.

One bacterium in the lungs, one mutated cell in the brain,

one explosion in your husband's building, and darkness.

The candle is snuffed out.

You see, the body is the mind's greatest weakness,

that's why I'm bypassing it.

Enter! (boots marching)

So I reveal my latest invention.

The Eternal Flame.

(light whirring)

One must simply upload their consciousness to the program,

and replace their fragile vessels

with one of these new vehicles.

Machines, really.

Unable to contract disease, unsusceptible to aging,

and if the machine is destroyed,

simply redownload your consciousness into a new machine.

(tense dramatic music)

(straps whooshing)

(helmet whirring)

Did you expect the government to approve?

I wouldn't let them build an army of robot soldiers,

so they banned AI entirely.

People riddled with depression and anxiety

won't even take their medication

for fear that it will alter their brains,

did you really expect them to voluntarily upload

their thoughts and dreams to the cloud?

(tense dramatic music)

After the ship leaves, it will all be ready,

and these beauties will be free

to find their fleshy counter part and complete the process.

These replacements, of course,

will not be taking your consciousness, just your lives.

Then they will follow me.

And then, no more sadness.

No more.

(machine whooshing)

- Sorry, Chuck, the only problem with AI

is they never say what they really mean.

- Well, I'm sorry, 'cause you're all out of time.

- No, I'm sorry, you're out of time,

we have you surrounded.

- Well, either way, somebody is definitely out of time.

- Hey, Serena? - What?

- No, robot Serena.

What's won backwards?

- Eno? - No, like past tense of win.

- Now?

(upbeat music) (gunshots booming)

(all grunting)

- We only have two minutes until the ship leaves.

- So shooting them is not gonna work.

(gunshots booming)

(magnet whooshing)

(both grunting)

(punches thudding)

- Go get The Connection!

(upbeat music)

(gunshot booming)

- I tell you, there's something about knowing what I ate

was killed that make me feel powerful.

(upbeat music) (pipe dripping)

(head thudding) (Chuck grunting)

- Sorry buddy.

Ch

(Chuck thudding)

(water pouring) (robots buzzing)

Buddy. (robot thudding)

(uptempo triumphant music)

- What are you waiting for? - Call Marge now!

- Okay.

Come on, Marge, pick up, Marge, pick up, pick up.

Come on Marge, pick up.

(chuck whooshing)

(tense dramatic music)

- [Marge] Hello?

(kick thudding)

Marge, it's Serena, get.

- Me a souvenir from space!

- Okay. - Get off the ship,

it's a trap.

Tyrimpson is selling the president, and The Agency.

- His products at discounted rates!

- [Marge] Listen, we're about to board.

Are you okay?

- [Woman] I said come with me.

Please don't walk out on me, Chuck.

- Is this like a weird prank? - I need you.

(Serena grunting)

- Listen, Tyrimpson is making AI clones of everyone,

and he's using the aliens to get rid of the President,

and The Agency, and everyone,

so he can replace everyone.

You have to get off the ship.

And before you ask me if I'm an alien version,

or replicant of myself.

Remember that time that you went to Atlantic City,

and we met that human tattoo.

- [Marge] Okay, that's enough.

Perez, we got a 2751 on our hands,

get the President off that ship.

(Serena panting) (Serena grunting)

(water pouring)

- (blaring gibberish), Only 5.99!

I love you, Chuck!

01101110 01101111 (buzzes).

(robots whooshing)

- I've heard of be your own boss,

never beat your own boss.

- You do not get to say a line when I save the day.

- Oh come on, you know you couldn't have done it without me.

I mean I was over here distracting Marge's fists

with my face.

(Serena laughing)

- (sighs) Chuck.

- Hey, why do you think we broke up?

- Well, you were an asshole to me the entire time we dated.

You never treated me as your equal.

You had the Mayor killed, because you refused to trust me.

And on top of all that, after all that happened,

you never once apologized to me.

- Yeah, cool, that's pretty much what I thought too.

- [Robot] Complete.

(machine buzzing)

(tense dramatic music)

- As you can see, I was planning on you two being dead.

Oh well, you should probably just kill yourselves then.

- What?

- Oh, right, sorry,

it's pretty pointless to fight,

because I've made myself far less vulnerable to damage,

and besides, my consciousness is copied,

and stored in the cloud, so even if you do destroy me,

it'll just be redownloaded into a new host body.

(gunshot booming)

No, really, I wasn't joking, I'm pretty much invincible.

So, if you want to just kill yourselves,

it would probably be less painful,

so I don't like accidentally shoot your leg off,

and then you have to go crawling around,

in all that pain until I find you.

So if you wanna go ahead and do that,

I can turn around.

No?

Okay.

(gun whooshing)

Isn't that symbolic. - Daddy's Little Princess.

(machine whirring)

I would say a line, but frankly,

it's what, like close to four by now, so.

(tense dramatic music)

I am very tired (chuckles).

Well, isn't that cute.

(gunshots booming)

(teleporter whirring)

No!

(device whirring)

(device buzzing)

- [Robot] Complete.

- Do you wanna say one?

- Ne. - Come on, give it a shot.

- It's not my thing.

- Come on.

- (sighs) All right.

- You're snow-more Tyrimpson.

- Because of the snow globe? - Yeah.

- Yeah, it really isn't your thing, is it?

- Still saved the day though. - Yip.

Good job tonight.

Just like old times?

(uptempo sentimental music)

(both laughing)

- We're just friends, by the way, Chuck.

- Yeah, right. - Yeah.

- Mark, Kathleen?

Did you guys kill Dr. Tyrimpson?

Oh no, we just

downloaded him?

- [Tyrimpson] No!

- Does this mean I don't have a job again?

- Hey, you know what?

Actually I think I might know someone who's hiring.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- [Stokes] Hey guys, Stokes here.

I just wanted to let you guys know to get your butts

back down to The Agency,

'cause we're throwing a party for you.

It was supposed to be a surprise,

but then two people walked in that looked like you,

and we were like, "Surprise!"

- You ready for a party?

(uptempo dubstep music)

- Hey, actually wait a second.

How much do you think this thing is worth?

- [Serena] (sighs) Come on.

(all applauding) (all cheering)

- Good job, guys. - You did it.

- It's okay that you didn't solve the case.

- It's okay that you didn't solve the case!

- I still love you so much. - I think that this failure

has actually made me love you even more.

(lips smacking)

- And it tells time, unless you know how to use it!

(gunshot booming) (person screaming)

- Then what does it do?

- The Three Musketeers, and sometimes, Perez,

back together again.

It's good to have you back, Chuck.

- Yeah, but me and Serena were just partners,

not like, you know, partner-partners.

- Yeah, obviously, as if she'd ever take you back.

- Okay.

- Hey, whatever happened to Sachs?

- Oh, she had to go, you know, president things.

But she did want me to give this to you as a thank you.

(angelic choral music)

- Gerbils.

- I just wanted to--

- [All] Say something random to get us to shut up.

- Yeah.

Hey, between you and me, I'm really rooting for you guys.

(uptempo dubstep music)

Gross.

- I almost forgot.

(picture whooshing)

Hey Chuck, whatever happened to your hurt hand?

- Oh, it must've healed by itself.

The power of friendship. (cash register dinging)

- Okay, how about a toast to Chuck and Serena?

- [All] To Chuck and Serena!

- Director Daniels, Director Daniels, Director Daniels.

Are you guys having a party right now?

Sorry to interrupt Marge,

New Orleans PD just called,

they got reports of dead bodies

walking around the graveyards,

and they need agents, stack.

- You guys in?

- What do you say?

- We break the arrest record.

- Count us in, Marge,

but, first, there's something we need to do.

(camera shuttering) (uptempo punk music)

- Hey, I'm here with Serena Foz, and Chuckles, Chuckles.

What is it? - Chuck Lawson.

- Chuck Lawson, they just saved the world,

and they're here to talk about it.

One thing that I ask all my guests that saved the world,

you must have a story, you must have a,

just a great story. - Do we?

- Yeah, as a matter of fact,

no, actually it's mostly just kicking ass

all the time.

You know nothing real funny about it.

- We punched out a pizza guy.

- So, let's say they are making a movie about all this,

about saving the world-- - Oh wow.

- Who are they casting, who's Chuck and Serena?

- I think I would have to go with Chenga Carlson

from the Carlson twins, you know?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- The great William Shakespeare.

- William Shakespeare? - William Shakespeare.

- All right, bold choice. - Great actor of yesteryear.

- He's a writer. - Writer.

- Well, he did all kinds of things,

he was very versatile in all of his skits.

- Sure.

- Hi, I'm Chuck Lawson. - And I'm Serena Fox.

- And when we're done saving the world.

- We always reach for a peanut butter chongo.

- [Both] Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, Chongos.

(uptempo punk music)

- [Fazu] So your profile says that you're six foot one?

- [Robot] I may have fudged it a little.

- [Waiter] Package for Fazu.

(people talking)

- [Fazu] Deliver to Fazu?

What the?

Chuck Lawson!

(upbeat music)