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1
00:00:04,265 --> 00:00:05,831
Eight of hearts.
2
00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:07,268
Drink!
3
00:00:11,272 --> 00:00:12,273
Three of clubs.
4
00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:15,015
- Drink!
- Drink!
5
00:00:15,058 --> 00:00:17,321
I forget, which cards
don't we drink on?
6
00:00:17,365 --> 00:00:18,690
Don't worry, I took them
out of the deck.
7
00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:19,889
STAN: Francine!
8
00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:24,067
Francine!
9
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:24,763
Chicago Dave!
10
00:00:24,807 --> 00:00:25,982
That's Chicago Dave!
11
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,462
My buddy from college!
12
00:00:27,505 --> 00:00:29,551
He's ascended the mountain,
Francine!
13
00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:30,726
A real mountain?
14
00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:32,249
Like Mount Everlast?
15
00:00:32,293 --> 00:00:34,164
Or Mount Killamandingo?
16
00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:35,426
What? No.
17
00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:37,689
He's writing movies
for Reese Witherspoon!
18
00:00:37,733 --> 00:00:40,692
What's the best part of writing
a movie for Reese Witherspoon?
19
00:00:40,736 --> 00:00:42,738
Easy.
Meeting Reese Witherspoon.
20
00:00:42,781 --> 00:00:44,696
Obviously. I'm so embarrassed
I even asked.
21
00:00:44,740 --> 00:00:46,394
Dave moved to Chicago.
22
00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:49,266
Joined the world-famous
City Second improv troupe
23
00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:50,750
where he was plucked
to join the cast
24
00:00:50,789 --> 00:00:52,182
of Sketches and Laughing,
25
00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:54,054
a.k.a. S-and-L!
26
00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:56,186
And now he's writing
Reese Witherspoon movies.
27
00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:57,753
What's your point, Stan?
28
00:00:57,796 --> 00:01:00,016
My point is that man
could have been me.
29
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,602
ROGER [slurring]:
I flipped another card!
30
00:01:01,626 --> 00:01:03,585
[crashing]
31
00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:06,109
Great, I'm missing
the end of the game.
32
00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,433
ROGER [slurring]:
It's a red one!
33
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:10,113
Ugh, that's a drink one, Stan.
34
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:12,985
♪
35
00:01:13,029 --> 00:01:15,510
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
36
00:01:15,553 --> 00:01:19,731
♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
37
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:22,473
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
38
00:01:22,517 --> 00:01:26,477
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
39
00:01:26,521 --> 00:01:28,479
♪
40
00:01:28,523 --> 00:01:32,135
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
41
00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:34,268
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
42
00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:35,486
Aah!
43
00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:37,140
♪
44
00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:40,100
WOMEN:
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
45
00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:46,280
Chicago Dave is living
the best life a human can.
46
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:48,325
And you went to college
with him.
47
00:01:48,369 --> 00:01:50,240
I more than went to college
with him.
48
00:01:50,284 --> 00:01:51,459
A little backstory is needed.
49
00:01:51,502 --> 00:01:52,764
Ugh.
50
00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:55,376
It was the summer
of 21 years ago...
51
00:01:55,419 --> 00:01:58,161
the start of my senior year
of college.
52
00:01:58,205 --> 00:02:01,164
I was ready to take the throne
as Funniest Student
53
00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:02,470
in the School of Government.
54
00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:04,385
But what I didn't know
was someone else
55
00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:06,387
had eyes on the same prize.
56
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:08,998
What are two examples
of a Republic?
57
00:02:09,041 --> 00:02:10,695
Uh, Disneyland and Narnia.
58
00:02:10,739 --> 00:02:12,001
[laughter]
59
00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:14,351
Uh, my butt and balls.
60
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:17,267
- [louder laughter]
- Okay, shut up, shut up!
61
00:02:17,311 --> 00:02:19,095
We're trying to learn
government here!
62
00:02:21,445 --> 00:02:22,838
STAN: We became a team.
63
00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:25,449
By winter break we were known
more for our comedy
64
00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:28,017
than our schoolwork,
which we had stopped doing.
65
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,193
...which led to rules
governing search and seizure...
66
00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:32,021
Seizure?
I barely know her!
67
00:02:32,064 --> 00:02:34,023
- [laughter]
- Checks and balances?
68
00:02:34,066 --> 00:02:36,330
More like cheeks and ball-ances!
69
00:02:36,373 --> 00:02:37,418
[laughter]
70
00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:39,942
I didn't even say checks
and balances!
71
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:46,949
Promise me you will never accept
any sort of government job.
72
00:02:46,992 --> 00:02:48,864
And do what instead?
73
00:02:48,907 --> 00:02:50,648
- Comedy?
- Sure.
74
00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:53,129
I despise comedy,
so that would be great.
75
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,262
Except for Mark Russell,
the political pianist.
76
00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:57,829
You guys familiar?
77
00:02:57,873 --> 00:02:59,396
What do you say, Stan?
78
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:03,052
Ya wanna move to Chicago
and chase this dragon?
79
00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:06,403
RUSSELL: ♪ Ross Perot,
he's an independent hero! ♪
80
00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:08,231
- ♪ Giant sucking sound ♪
- [laughing]
81
00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:10,494
RUSSELL:
♪ Was a total zero! ♪
82
00:03:10,538 --> 00:03:13,193
STAN:
There was only one problem.
83
00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:14,455
I can't go.
84
00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:15,978
I'm too afraid.
85
00:03:16,021 --> 00:03:18,241
Come on, Stan.
I can't go alone.
86
00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:20,374
I need someone to talk to
on the drive.
87
00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:21,984
Oh, wait.
88
00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,207
Never mind! Bye!
89
00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:29,731
Have fun living a life of fear!
90
00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:33,735
He moved to Chicago without me.
91
00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:35,911
Never talked to him again.
Tried to get in touch,
92
00:03:35,954 --> 00:03:38,653
but who can touch
a shooting star?
93
00:03:38,696 --> 00:03:41,003
You can't even touch
a regular star, Stan.
94
00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,309
They're suns.
95
00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:44,224
If I'd just gotten
in that Fiero,
96
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:45,747
I'd be a famous comedian.
97
00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,227
[laughs]
98
00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:49,446
What? How?
99
00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:51,492
- You're not funny.
- [gasps] Tha... bha...
100
00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:52,406
tha... bha...
101
00:03:52,449 --> 00:03:53,755
I'm a funny guy!
102
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,322
That's what I identify as.
103
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:58,368
Stan Smith...
Funny. Guy.
104
00:03:58,412 --> 00:04:00,370
[chuckles]
I honestly don't know
105
00:04:00,414 --> 00:04:02,329
if you're joking right now.
106
00:04:02,372 --> 00:04:04,244
It's always so hard
to tell with you.
107
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:06,246
Are you being crazy right now?
108
00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:07,769
Kids!
109
00:04:09,727 --> 00:04:10,946
[scraping]
110
00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:12,295
Not you, Klaus.
111
00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:16,778
Your Dad just said
he's a funny guy.
112
00:04:16,821 --> 00:04:19,041
[both laugh]
113
00:04:19,084 --> 00:04:20,695
That's a funny thing
to say, Dad.
114
00:04:20,738 --> 00:04:21,957
That's not like you.
115
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:22,914
It wasn't a joke!
116
00:04:22,958 --> 00:04:24,089
Here's a joke...
117
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:25,308
have you seen these teens
118
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,049
eating their Tide Pods?
119
00:04:27,092 --> 00:04:29,138
What the heck?
Those are for dishwashers.
120
00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:30,400
Boo.
121
00:04:30,444 --> 00:04:33,447
Stan, the last good joke
you made was Steve!
122
00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:36,363
Nice, Mom!
You burned Dad and Steve.
123
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:39,104
Unlike Dad,
who's had 14 years to burn me
124
00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:40,280
and never once scored.
125
00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:42,673
Never once scored...
126
00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:43,892
kinda like Steve!
127
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:45,850
Oh, ho! Wow!
128
00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:47,287
You see that, Dad?
129
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:49,332
That's how you roast Steve.
130
00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:51,987
♪
131
00:04:52,030 --> 00:04:53,989
[clattering]
132
00:04:54,032 --> 00:04:55,643
What the hell, Stan?
133
00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:57,471
I'm out.
Moving to Chicago.
134
00:04:57,514 --> 00:04:58,994
Gonna prove the haters wrong.
135
00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:00,517
What about work?
136
00:05:00,561 --> 00:05:02,084
I told Bullock that when
I was young,
137
00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:04,826
I dreamt of being a comedian
and how I chickened out.
138
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,654
He instantly granted me
Regret Leave,
139
00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:08,699
which was a surprise considering
140
00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:10,179
we're basically
getting ass-slammed
141
00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:11,659
by China round the clock.
142
00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:13,661
Why don't you just take
an improv class
143
00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:15,184
at the Learning Attic?
144
00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:16,901
Why would I listen to anything
you have to say?
145
00:05:16,925 --> 00:05:18,405
You're my number-one hater.
146
00:05:18,448 --> 00:05:20,058
You've never supported
my comedy.
147
00:05:20,102 --> 00:05:22,365
Come on, is this real?
148
00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:23,689
How long do you plan to be gone?
149
00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:25,542
As long as it takes.
150
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,239
Maybe even longer.
151
00:05:30,155 --> 00:05:31,418
Goodbye, Francine.
152
00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:32,854
Lemme know how
the kids turn out!
153
00:05:32,897 --> 00:05:36,640
♪ Standing tall ♪
154
00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:40,383
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
155
00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:43,604
♪ Rise and fall ♪
156
00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:47,259
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
157
00:05:47,303 --> 00:05:50,393
♪ The rain and thunder,
the hmm and muhmuh ♪
158
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:53,483
♪ Um buh for better days! ♪
159
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:57,618
♪ It's my life and my dream ♪
160
00:05:57,661 --> 00:06:01,012
♪ Nothing's going
to stop me now ♪
161
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:07,367
♪
162
00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:11,719
Wow.
163
00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:14,722
This is what I missed out
on 21 years ago.
164
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,116
- Klaus?!
- Klaus!
165
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,944
Baaa-haaaa!
166
00:06:19,988 --> 00:06:23,208
You didn't think I'd let you
move to Chi-Town solo, did you?
167
00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,863
Plus, my boy Courtney
in Tampa's cousin, Lindsey,
168
00:06:25,907 --> 00:06:29,171
lives down in Champaign
and has a super-tight posse.
169
00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:31,062
He said we can go down there
or they can come up here.
170
00:06:31,086 --> 00:06:33,175
It's all good, Stan.
171
00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:34,829
No, no. No distractions.
172
00:06:34,872 --> 00:06:37,048
I'm here to focus
on my comedy career.
173
00:06:37,092 --> 00:06:40,182
Tomorrow is my first day
at City Second Improv.
174
00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:41,531
Don't worry, Stan.
175
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,968
My boys won't get in the way.
176
00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:46,841
We're just gonna be joshing
around, teasing each other,
177
00:06:46,884 --> 00:06:49,278
sharing our dreams,
building our lives,
178
00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:52,586
and creating memories
that will last a lifetime.
179
00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:54,849
That's if they're willing
to drive up from Champaign,
180
00:06:54,892 --> 00:06:56,764
which they sounded
on the fence about.
181
00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:59,462
♪
182
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:01,943
I'm gonna bury you guys
at improv.
183
00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:03,553
I wrote so much improv.
184
00:07:03,597 --> 00:07:05,947
I got a joke for every location.
185
00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:08,340
Bar, Mission Control,
Grocery Store,
186
00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:09,690
another Mission Control.
187
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,126
Restaurant?
188
00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:12,320
No one's gonna say "restaurant"!
189
00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:13,476
No one's gonna say that!
190
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,478
Welcome to Improv Level One!
191
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,480
After tonight,
you'll see there's no limit
192
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,830
to your comedy dreams
beyond the number of classes
193
00:07:19,874 --> 00:07:21,092
you can afford.
194
00:07:21,136 --> 00:07:22,877
So let's go!
195
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,184
You must quit comedy
immediately.
196
00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:28,143
- I'm sorry?
- You were horrible.
197
00:07:28,186 --> 00:07:30,101
That thing where you kept
pulling your shirt
198
00:07:30,145 --> 00:07:31,973
over your head
and yelling incoherently?
199
00:07:32,016 --> 00:07:33,278
That's Turtle Man!
200
00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:34,932
A very funny character of mine!
201
00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:37,805
Look, I'm not supposed
to discourage anyone.
202
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:40,111
This theater, like every other
comedy theater in America,
203
00:07:40,155 --> 00:07:42,810
is a pyramid scheme.
204
00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:45,508
There are plenty of jobs
outside of comedy.
205
00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:47,684
Have you ever considered
getting a government job?
206
00:07:47,728 --> 00:07:49,599
Actually I work at the C.I.A.
207
00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:52,210
[laughs] That's pretty funny.
208
00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:55,083
But that's not a joke.
I do work at the C.I.A.
209
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:56,650
Please leave at once.
210
00:07:56,780 --> 00:08:00,305
♪
211
00:08:00,349 --> 00:08:01,568
What happened?!
212
00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:03,023
My teacher kicked me
out of improv class
213
00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:04,396
after only eight minutes.
214
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,659
Wow, that's fast.
215
00:08:05,702 --> 00:08:07,269
But it's only your
first setback.
216
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:09,314
And my last. I'm quitting.
217
00:08:09,358 --> 00:08:12,404
But we haven't even had time
to hang with my Champaign Crew.
218
00:08:12,448 --> 00:08:16,147
Stan, this is Lindsey,
Double Dog, and Monty.
219
00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,082
Klaus, I don't want to meet
your disgusting friends.
220
00:08:18,106 --> 00:08:20,064
They all look like
Toomgis the Snack Monster.
221
00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:22,023
[laughter]
222
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,981
Holy crap,
this dude's hilarious.
223
00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:25,809
You shouldn't do improv.
224
00:08:25,853 --> 00:08:29,552
You should be
a famous stand-up comedian.
225
00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:30,771
I like these guys.
226
00:08:30,814 --> 00:08:32,773
Seem smart. Stan.
227
00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:34,209
Name's Stan.
228
00:08:34,252 --> 00:08:35,471
Stan Smith.
229
00:08:37,691 --> 00:08:39,693
Why aren't you guys ready?
230
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:42,043
We're going on that
Deep Dish Pizza Crawl.
231
00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:43,914
Actually we're staying in
and helping
232
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:45,849
- Stan with his comedy.
- Why would you want to hang out
233
00:08:45,873 --> 00:08:47,439
with these guys anyway, Klaus?
234
00:08:47,483 --> 00:08:49,050
They look like a bunch
of Toomgises.
235
00:08:49,093 --> 00:08:50,573
[laughter]
236
00:08:50,617 --> 00:08:52,096
You said that one before, Stan!
237
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:54,142
I'm recycling some of
the classic ones, Klaus.
238
00:08:54,185 --> 00:08:55,317
All the greats do it.
239
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,188
Oh, here's a new joke
I thought of...
240
00:08:57,232 --> 00:08:58,886
Klaus got caught
sneaking a thermos
241
00:08:58,929 --> 00:09:00,583
into the movie theater
and he cried!
242
00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:03,238
[laughter]
243
00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:04,761
Good one, Stan.
244
00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:06,502
Classic joke structure.
245
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,592
I'm going to, uh, go throw
a whiz in the toilet.
246
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:12,203
[whispering] Francine.
You gotta come get Stan.
247
00:09:12,247 --> 00:09:14,336
He totally crashed and burned
trying to do comedy
248
00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:16,338
and he's too ashamed
to come home.
249
00:09:16,381 --> 00:09:18,340
FRANCINE:
Are you not here?
250
00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:20,255
What, no, I'm in Chicago!
251
00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:22,866
I left weeks ago,
when Stan left.
252
00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:24,781
FRANCINE: Huh.
Now what's this?
253
00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:26,609
Stan's given up on comedy!
254
00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:29,438
He just sits on his ass all day
with these [bleep] idiots,
255
00:09:29,481 --> 00:09:31,658
who are supposed to be
my friends, by the way.
256
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:33,573
And if you ever want
your husband back,
257
00:09:33,616 --> 00:09:35,575
you got to come get him.
258
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:39,970
♪
259
00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:41,624
So, have you been to
a deli lately?
260
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,278
All this deli meat?
261
00:09:43,321 --> 00:09:47,412
I mean, who needs
this much deli meat?
262
00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:48,936
And that's how I close the show.
263
00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:50,633
[laughter]
264
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,069
[doorbell rings]
265
00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:56,683
Francine,
what are you doing here?
266
00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:58,772
- Klaus called me and...
- Klaus?!
267
00:09:58,815 --> 00:10:01,296
Klaus, you called Francine
to come get me?
268
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:02,819
What? No, no.
269
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:05,517
I only called her to
tell her you were doing great.
270
00:10:05,561 --> 00:10:06,867
And I didn't even call her!
271
00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:09,217
So you haven't given up, Stan?
272
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:11,654
That's great news,
because I felt
273
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:13,830
terrible about
not supporting you.
274
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:15,876
Everybody felt terrible
about that.
275
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:17,529
It was a dark day.
276
00:10:17,573 --> 00:10:19,227
Let me make it up to you.
277
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:21,359
I want to get you out there.
278
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:23,448
I'll book you gigs,
be your manager.
279
00:10:23,492 --> 00:10:26,103
Hmm. Would that be stepping
on your toes, Lindsey?
280
00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:29,803
Sorry, I guess my cousin
got in a car accident.
281
00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:30,978
What's going on, Stan?
282
00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:32,457
Hey, you focus on your thing.
283
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,285
Francine's my manager now.
284
00:10:34,329 --> 00:10:36,592
Francine, as I become more
and more successful,
285
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,986
your job will be getting me
roles in Pixar movies
286
00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:40,596
and defending me on Twitter.
287
00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:45,688
ROGER: Surf's up, duders!
288
00:10:45,732 --> 00:10:47,429
Stan and Fran are gone.
289
00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:49,257
Time to live a little, guys!
290
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,693
Cowabunga!
291
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,695
Eungh. I'm droppin' in!
292
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,479
Eungh. I'm gonna shoot this!
293
00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:56,090
Eungh.
294
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,787
I'm stayin' upstairs tonight.
295
00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:03,663
Now, this is what the surf
community calls hanging loose.
296
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:08,363
Honestly, Roger, we're tired
from "livin' a little"
297
00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:09,669
with you all the time.
298
00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:12,497
We're burned out
on all your schemes, heists,
299
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:15,152
scams, set-ups, misadventures,
and dalliances.
300
00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:17,285
Hmm, I'm starting to think
301
00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:19,809
maybe you did steal
my thesaurus, Steve.
302
00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:22,943
It's just nice to chill
for a change, don't you think?
303
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:26,424
No, what I do think is maybe you
guys need a change of scenery.
304
00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:27,750
[Aussie accent]
And I heard there's a rager
305
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:29,645
down at Chimdale Harbor.
306
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:33,388
Name's Dirt Mirklegunk
and I know how to rock!
307
00:11:33,431 --> 00:11:35,172
[sour notes play]
308
00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:36,608
No! No! Stop that.
309
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:37,958
Hard pass!
310
00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:40,612
Ugh, that is super annoying!
311
00:11:40,656 --> 00:11:42,416
- [normal voice] You're annoying!
- You know what, Roger?
312
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,268
Maybe you need a little break
313
00:11:44,312 --> 00:11:46,140
from "livin' a little"
all the time.
314
00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:48,011
You think so?
[plays thoughtful chord]
315
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,665
- I don't know.
- Tell you what,
316
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,059
why don't you
let Hayley and me host you
317
00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:53,974
for a chill night in?
318
00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:56,890
Hmm, and if that sucks,
then we can go live a little?
319
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,195
- Maybe.
- Cool, cool.
320
00:11:58,239 --> 00:11:59,477
By the way, I'm changing my name
321
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:02,896
from Dirt Murkledunk
to Mirt Dirkledunk.
322
00:12:02,939 --> 00:12:05,115
What's up with electric cars?
323
00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:06,900
Is everything gonna be electric?
324
00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:09,554
What's next? Electric slide?
325
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:11,774
I prefer my slide to be
gas-powered,
326
00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:13,863
thank you very much.
327
00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:16,474
Hmm. No, that's perfect.
328
00:12:16,518 --> 00:12:18,607
Stan, I got you a gig!
329
00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:21,044
There's a show
at Pizzeria Uno tonight
330
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,003
and they had a comedian cancel.
331
00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:24,569
Tonight?
I'd better practice
332
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:27,747
my funny faces in the mirror!
333
00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:29,836
Your boy's gonna bomb, Francine.
334
00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:31,794
That'd be sad.
335
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:35,189
Then we'd have to go home
where I get to have all the sex
336
00:12:35,232 --> 00:12:36,538
I want with him.
337
00:12:36,581 --> 00:12:38,758
And where the snacks and TV are.
338
00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:40,281
You want him to bomb!
339
00:12:40,324 --> 00:12:41,325
Yes, Klaus.
340
00:12:41,369 --> 00:12:44,198
You're bad, Francine.
341
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:46,678
You're a bad lady.
342
00:12:47,549 --> 00:12:49,594
[horn honks]
343
00:12:49,638 --> 00:12:53,120
Hey! Welcome, everybody,
to Pizzeria Uno's comedy night,
344
00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:54,643
Take My Slice, Cheese.
345
00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:56,297
[laughs] Okay.
346
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,995
Our first comedian is some guy.
347
00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:01,737
Let's give it up for him, huh?
348
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,434
[scattered applause]
349
00:13:03,478 --> 00:13:05,132
Whoo!
350
00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:09,310
Please.
"Some Guy" is my father's name.
351
00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,399
So, millennials.
352
00:13:11,442 --> 00:13:13,140
Don't you just wish
they were all dead?
353
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:17,231
But then who would be
left to play Porkymons?
354
00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:19,537
MAN: Boo!
355
00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:21,452
Screw you,
let's see you get up here!
356
00:13:21,496 --> 00:13:23,628
I will as soon as
the ambulance arrives.
357
00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:24,847
Oh, no.
Is something wrong?
358
00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:26,675
Yeah!
Someone's choking...
359
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,329
on stage!
360
00:13:28,372 --> 00:13:29,939
- [laughter]
- This crowd stinks!
361
00:13:29,983 --> 00:13:31,375
Turtle Man out!
362
00:13:31,419 --> 00:13:33,203
- [microphone feedback]
- [laughter]
363
00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:34,291
[crashing]
364
00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:35,771
MAN: Oh, come on!
365
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,729
He knocked over my pitchers
of Blue Moon!
366
00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:39,296
Goddammit!
367
00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:42,169
Stan, are you okay?
368
00:13:42,212 --> 00:13:44,258
Those are the kinds of shows
that make you want
369
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:45,781
to give up and move home.
370
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,392
It's okay.
You gave it your all.
371
00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:50,307
But I'm not going home!
With your support,
372
00:13:50,351 --> 00:13:52,309
I can do this
for as long as it takes.
373
00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:53,310
Jigga-what?!
374
00:13:53,354 --> 00:13:54,921
You see, I don't want much.
375
00:13:54,964 --> 00:13:57,053
I just want to ascend
the mountain of comedy
376
00:13:57,097 --> 00:14:00,535
and stand atop it alone,
like a hero or a god.
377
00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:04,452
Or something bigger than a god,
a fireball... a firehorse!
378
00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:06,933
Anyone who comes near me
shall be burned.
379
00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:08,325
Is that so much to ask?
380
00:14:08,369 --> 00:14:10,066
I guess not.
381
00:14:10,110 --> 00:14:11,851
Whoo! Look out, world!
382
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:13,504
Cat!
383
00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:14,612
- Yeah, you better run!
- [cat yowls]
384
00:14:14,636 --> 00:14:15,942
KLAUS: Uh-oh, Francine,
385
00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:17,595
looks like
your support backfired.
386
00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:20,381
You're right.
We're never going home.
387
00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:22,949
[cellphone ringing]
388
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:25,255
Smith!
The Chinese are trying to kill
389
00:14:25,299 --> 00:14:28,389
S&L cast member Colin Jokes.
390
00:14:28,432 --> 00:14:30,913
We need an agent on the inside.
391
00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:34,438
Please tell me you've become
a world-class comedian!
392
00:14:34,482 --> 00:14:36,179
S&L?
393
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:38,007
That's the top of the mountain.
394
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:39,704
We'd be done.
395
00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,097
- He'll do it!
- [cellphone beeps]
396
00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:42,055
You ready to get out of here?
397
00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:44,840
Stan! You got S&L!
398
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,450
What? How?
399
00:14:46,494 --> 00:14:49,627
Uh, one of the busboys
was a scout
400
00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:51,151
and thought you were a genius.
401
00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:53,675
Yes! I made it to S&L!
402
00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:55,938
And I didn't have to deploy
my best character...
403
00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:58,288
[Peter Griffin voice] Guy who
talks with a crazy voice!
404
00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:01,248
♪
405
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:04,207
So Stan really thinks he's
funny enough to be on S&L?
406
00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:07,776
Yeah, and if he finds out
otherwise, it'll destroy him.
407
00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:09,996
So don't say anything
about this being a mission.
408
00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:11,364
But shouldn't he know
the Chinese are trying
409
00:15:11,388 --> 00:15:12,912
to kill Colin Jokes?
410
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,957
Stan's a C.I.A. agent.
411
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:18,308
If anything happens, his spy
instincts will take over.
412
00:15:18,352 --> 00:15:19,657
Well, he better not mess this up
413
00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:22,138
because I want to go
to the cast afterparty.
414
00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:23,618
I met a girl on Bumble
who claims
415
00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:26,403
she's second cousins
with Pete Davidson
416
00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:28,971
and I want to make sure
she's not a liar.
417
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:32,540
One extra-hot
Cranberry Juice Cocktail.
418
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,282
Aah!
419
00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:36,631
All right, I think I'm ready.
420
00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:38,198
There he is!
421
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:40,026
S&L Creator
and Executive Producer
422
00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:41,810
Lorne Mykies!
423
00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:45,770
Stan, I just wanted
to personally thank you.
424
00:15:45,814 --> 00:15:49,122
It's good to know Colin's
going to be safe out there.
425
00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:50,601
He'll be safe, all right.
426
00:15:50,645 --> 00:15:52,908
Safe in a blanket
of warm laughter.
427
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,866
It's wild.
428
00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:56,651
All this just because
we made a couple jokes
429
00:15:56,694 --> 00:15:58,566
about the Chinese government.
430
00:15:58,609 --> 00:16:00,350
I've got some pretty good
Chinese jokes
431
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:02,004
that aren't
about the government.
432
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,460
Don't worry, I'll only break
'em out if we need 'em.
433
00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:05,138
[laughs]
434
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:08,315
The C.I.A.
told me you were funny.
435
00:16:08,358 --> 00:16:10,970
Hmm. What do you think
he meant by "the C.I.A.
436
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,232
told me you were funny"?
437
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:13,973
Who knows?
That guy's a weirdo!
438
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:17,889
All you have to do now is relax
and read the cue cards.
439
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:20,675
Remember, S&L has the funniest
writers in the world.
440
00:16:20,718 --> 00:16:22,503
They do now that I'm here.
441
00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:25,462
That's why I rewrote all the cue
cards with my own punchlines.
442
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:26,724
What?!
443
00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:28,465
What pen did you use?
444
00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:30,424
And what end did you hold?
445
00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:33,035
♪
446
00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:34,994
Don't want to live a little,
huh?
447
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,604
Well, this is the other way
to go.
448
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:43,002
[disembodied scream]
449
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:44,699
Damn, what's in this shit?
450
00:16:44,742 --> 00:16:47,093
Rum & Cokes!
Get your rum & Cokes!
451
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:48,442
I can't drink rum.
452
00:16:48,485 --> 00:16:49,791
Yours doesn't have rum in it.
453
00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:51,923
- Which one's mine?
- Any one without the "X."
454
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,882
So it's movie night
and we're stayin' in.
455
00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:55,840
Love it.
456
00:16:55,884 --> 00:16:59,844
Tonight's entertainment
is 2017's The Beguiled,
457
00:16:59,888 --> 00:17:02,064
about an injured
Union soldier in the South
458
00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:03,892
that comes upon a school
full of women.
459
00:17:03,935 --> 00:17:06,025
Fair warning...
whenever I watch a movie,
460
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,679
I can't resist making
hilarious little comments.
461
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:14,642
Beguiled?
More like buh...
462
00:17:14,685 --> 00:17:17,079
buh-bullshiiiiiit.
463
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:18,863
Heh heh heh.
464
00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:22,432
♪
465
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:24,130
You can't start Week In Updates!
466
00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:26,610
Oh, no, it started.
467
00:17:26,654 --> 00:17:29,309
And I totally would have
stopped it for you.
468
00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:33,008
Hello. I'm Colin Jokes.
469
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,444
And I'm Stan Smith.
470
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:36,359
And this is Week In Updates.
471
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:38,666
Honey! Langley Stan!
472
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:40,798
My buddy from college!
He's done it!
473
00:17:40,842 --> 00:17:43,627
He's ascended the mountain!
474
00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:46,500
Oh, sorry.
Didn't see you'd fallen asleep.
475
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:48,502
The city of Philadelphia
had quite a mess
476
00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:50,025
on its hands this week
477
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,506
when 80 cows got loose
on the freeway.
478
00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:55,291
When reached for comment,
the Mayor of Philadelphia said,
479
00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:56,684
"Millennials?
480
00:17:56,727 --> 00:18:00,775
Don't you wish
they were all dead?"
481
00:18:00,818 --> 00:18:03,386
But then who would eat
all the avacordo torst?
482
00:18:04,996 --> 00:18:07,999
Tough crowd.
483
00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:10,567
Oh, no, Turtle Man.
484
00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:12,743
Wait, look at Colin Jokes' hand.
485
00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:14,658
FRANCINE: A bomb detonator!
486
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:16,573
KLAUS:
Colin Jokes isn't the target.
487
00:18:16,617 --> 00:18:18,140
He's the attacker!
488
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:19,794
But Stan can't see!
489
00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:21,752
His spy instincts won't kick in!
490
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:24,277
We've got to do something!
491
00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:28,542
[canned laughter]
492
00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:29,978
They love me.
493
00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:31,371
Riiiight.
494
00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:32,850
[gasps] Spy instincts!
495
00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:35,549
Aah!
496
00:18:35,592 --> 00:18:37,116
[grunting]
497
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:40,771
♪
498
00:18:40,815 --> 00:18:41,816
[audience gasps]
499
00:18:41,859 --> 00:18:44,732
♪
500
00:18:44,775 --> 00:18:45,820
[bomb beeping]
501
00:18:45,863 --> 00:18:51,042
♪
502
00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:52,870
[audience sighs in relief]
503
00:18:52,914 --> 00:18:56,613
I've heard of a comedian
bombing, but this is ridiculous.
504
00:18:56,657 --> 00:19:00,139
[canned laughter]
505
00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:03,142
♪
506
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,928
Wow, pretty good for a movie
with no dinosaurs,
507
00:19:06,971 --> 00:19:08,799
don't ya think?
508
00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:12,151
Sleepy heads countin' sheep.
Don't worry.
509
00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:15,066
Uncle Roger'll clean up
all the cups and poison.
510
00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:17,199
[gasps] The poison!
To the hospital!
511
00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:19,506
[door opens]
512
00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:25,120
♪
513
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,470
Did they find
the real Colin Jokes?
514
00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:29,733
He was tied up
in his dressing room.
515
00:19:29,777 --> 00:19:31,300
Turns out the Chinese were only
516
00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:34,216
after tonight's
musical guest, Pitbull.
517
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,566
I guess China's President is
in a legal battle
518
00:19:36,610 --> 00:19:39,569
with him
over the title of Mr. Worldwide.
519
00:19:39,613 --> 00:19:41,658
I should really get on the horn
with Beijing,
520
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:44,095
see if I can smooth things over.
521
00:19:44,139 --> 00:19:47,795
Stan, I want to thank you again
for saving the show.
522
00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:50,928
You got it.
Anything for the almighty laugh.
523
00:19:50,972 --> 00:19:52,372
And you know what
the weird part is?
524
00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,280
It felt just like being
on a mission.
525
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:55,672
I'm normally a C.I.A. agent.
526
00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:58,284
Haha! That's funny.
527
00:19:58,327 --> 00:20:00,503
You're funny.
528
00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:02,113
You hear that, Francine?
529
00:20:02,157 --> 00:20:04,290
Lorne Mykies said I was funny.
530
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,466
How's the view from the top
of the mountain?
531
00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:07,989
Majestic.
532
00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:10,209
But you know, the most fun I had
533
00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:11,819
out there
was disarming that bomb
534
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,864
and beating that man to a pulp.
535
00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:16,563
Maybe it's time to go back home
and work at the C.I.A. again.
536
00:20:16,606 --> 00:20:18,739
That sounds wonderful, Stan.
537
00:20:18,782 --> 00:20:20,436
Now let's get home.
538
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,222
Feels like I haven't seen
Toshi and the gang in forever.
539
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:26,921
♪
540
00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:28,923
Wh-What happened?
541
00:20:28,966 --> 00:20:30,403
Why are we in the hospital?
542
00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:31,708
No one knows.
543
00:20:31,752 --> 00:20:33,536
Doctors aren't ruling out
poison, though.
544
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:35,625
And the tests all say
that's definitely what it was.
545
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:37,410
Which is probably why...
546
00:20:37,453 --> 00:20:40,891
the boys in blue
have been contacted.
547
00:20:41,588 --> 00:20:44,025
So I gotta mosey.
548
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:45,331
The important thing?
549
00:20:45,374 --> 00:20:46,767
Remember to live a little,
right?
550
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,682
Can't thumb your nose at life.
551
00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:52,207
- [crashes]
- [grunts]
552
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,035
Rope was too long!
553
00:20:54,078 --> 00:20:56,603
And not tied to anything?!
554
00:20:56,646 --> 00:20:58,300
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
555
00:20:58,350 --> 00:21:02,900
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