Original subtitles

Eight of hearts.

Drink!

Three of clubs.

- Drink! - Drink!

I forget, which cards don't we drink on?

Don't worry, I took them out of the deck.

STAN: Francine!

Francine!

Chicago Dave!

That's Chicago Dave!

My buddy from college!

He's ascended the mountain, Francine!

A real mountain?

Like Mount Everlast?

Or Mount Killamandingo?

What? No.

He's writing movies for Reese Witherspoon!

What's the best part of writing a movie for Reese Witherspoon?

Easy. Meeting Reese Witherspoon.

Obviously. I'm so embarrassed I even asked.

Dave moved to Chicago.

Joined the world-famous City Second improv troupe

where he was plucked to join the cast

of Sketches and Laughing,

a.k.a. S-and-L!

And now he's writing Reese Witherspoon movies.

What's your point, Stan?

My point is that man could have been me.

ROGER [slurring]: I flipped another card!

[crashing]

Great, I'm missing the end of the game.

ROGER [slurring]: It's a red one!

Ugh, that's a drink one, Stan.

♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪

WOMEN: ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Chicago Dave is living the best life a human can.

And you went to college with him.

I more than went to college with him.

A little backstory is needed.

Ugh.

It was the summer of 21 years ago...

the start of my senior year of college.

I was ready to take the throne as Funniest Student

in the School of Government.

But what I didn't know was someone else

had eyes on the same prize.

What are two examples of a Republic?

Uh, Disneyland and Narnia.

[laughter]

Uh, my butt and balls.

- [louder laughter] - Okay, shut up, shut up!

We're trying to learn government here!

STAN: We became a team.

By winter break we were known more for our comedy

than our schoolwork, which we had stopped doing.

...which led to rules governing search and seizure...

Seizure? I barely know her!

- [laughter] - Checks and balances?

More like cheeks and ball-ances!

[laughter]

I didn't even say checks and balances!

Promise me you will never accept any sort of government job.

And do what instead?

- Comedy? - Sure.

I despise comedy, so that would be great.

Except for Mark Russell, the political pianist.

You guys familiar?

What do you say, Stan?

Ya wanna move to Chicago and chase this dragon?

RUSSELL: ♪ Ross Perot, he's an independent hero! ♪

- ♪ Giant sucking sound ♪ - [laughing]

RUSSELL: ♪ Was a total zero! ♪

STAN: There was only one problem.

I can't go.

I'm too afraid.

Come on, Stan. I can't go alone.

I need someone to talk to on the drive.

Oh, wait.

Never mind! Bye!

Have fun living a life of fear!

He moved to Chicago without me.

Never talked to him again. Tried to get in touch,

but who can touch a shooting star?

You can't even touch a regular star, Stan.

They're suns.

If I'd just gotten in that Fiero,

I'd be a famous comedian.

[laughs]

What? How?

- You're not funny. - [gasps] Tha... bha...

tha... bha...

I'm a funny guy!

That's what I identify as.

Stan Smith... Funny. Guy.

[chuckles] I honestly don't know

if you're joking right now.

It's always so hard to tell with you.

Are you being crazy right now?

Kids!

[scraping]

Not you, Klaus.

Your Dad just said he's a funny guy.

[both laugh]

That's a funny thing to say, Dad.

That's not like you.

It wasn't a joke!

Here's a joke...

have you seen these teens

eating their Tide Pods?

What the heck? Those are for dishwashers.

Boo.

Stan, the last good joke you made was Steve!

Nice, Mom! You burned Dad and Steve.

Unlike Dad, who's had 14 years to burn me

and never once scored.

Never once scored...

kinda like Steve!

Oh, ho! Wow!

You see that, Dad?

That's how you roast Steve.

♪

[clattering]

What the hell, Stan?

I'm out. Moving to Chicago.

Gonna prove the haters wrong.

What about work?

I told Bullock that when I was young,

I dreamt of being a comedian and how I chickened out.

He instantly granted me Regret Leave,

which was a surprise considering

we're basically getting ass-slammed

by China round the clock.

Why don't you just take an improv class

at the Learning Attic?

Why would I listen to anything you have to say?

You're my number-one hater.

You've never supported my comedy.

Come on, is this real?

How long do you plan to be gone?

As long as it takes.

Maybe even longer.

Goodbye, Francine.

Lemme know how the kids turn out!

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder, the hmm and muhmuh ♪

♪ Um buh for better days! ♪

♪ It's my life and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing's going to stop me now ♪

♪

Wow.

This is what I missed out on 21 years ago.

- Klaus?! - Klaus!

Baaa-haaaa!

You didn't think I'd let you move to Chi-Town solo, did you?

Plus, my boy Courtney in Tampa's cousin, Lindsey,

lives down in Champaign and has a super-tight posse.

He said we can go down there or they can come up here.

It's all good, Stan.

No, no. No distractions.

I'm here to focus on my comedy career.

Tomorrow is my first day at City Second Improv.

Don't worry, Stan.

My boys won't get in the way.

We're just gonna be joshing around, teasing each other,

sharing our dreams, building our lives,

and creating memories that will last a lifetime.

That's if they're willing to drive up from Champaign,

which they sounded on the fence about.

♪

I'm gonna bury you guys at improv.

I wrote so much improv.

I got a joke for every location.

Bar, Mission Control, Grocery Store,

another Mission Control.

Restaurant?

No one's gonna say "restaurant"!

No one's gonna say that!

Welcome to Improv Level One!

After tonight, you'll see there's no limit

to your comedy dreams beyond the number of classes

you can afford.

So let's go!

You must quit comedy immediately.

- I'm sorry? - You were horrible.

That thing where you kept pulling your shirt

over your head and yelling incoherently?

That's Turtle Man!

A very funny character of mine!

Look, I'm not supposed to discourage anyone.

This theater, like every other comedy theater in America,

is a pyramid scheme.

There are plenty of jobs outside of comedy.

Have you ever considered getting a government job?

Actually I work at the C.I.A.

[laughs] That's pretty funny.

But that's not a joke. I do work at the C.I.A.

Please leave at once.

♪

What happened?!

My teacher kicked me out of improv class

after only eight minutes.

Wow, that's fast.

But it's only your first setback.

And my last. I'm quitting.

But we haven't even had time to hang with my Champaign Crew.

Stan, this is Lindsey, Double Dog, and Monty.

Klaus, I don't want to meet your disgusting friends.

They all look like Toomgis the Snack Monster.

[laughter]

Holy crap, this dude's hilarious.

You shouldn't do improv.

You should be a famous stand-up comedian.

I like these guys.

Seem smart. Stan.

Name's Stan.

Stan Smith.

Why aren't you guys ready?

We're going on that Deep Dish Pizza Crawl.

Actually we're staying in and helping

- Stan with his comedy. - Why would you want to hang out

with these guys anyway, Klaus?

They look like a bunch of Toomgises.

[laughter]

You said that one before, Stan!

I'm recycling some of the classic ones, Klaus.

All the greats do it.

Oh, here's a new joke I thought of...

Klaus got caught sneaking a thermos

into the movie theater and he cried!

[laughter]

Good one, Stan.

Classic joke structure.

I'm going to, uh, go throw a whiz in the toilet.

[whispering] Francine. You gotta come get Stan.

He totally crashed and burned trying to do comedy

and he's too ashamed to come home.

FRANCINE: Are you not here?

What, no, I'm in Chicago!

I left weeks ago, when Stan left.

FRANCINE: Huh. Now what's this?

Stan's given up on comedy!

He just sits on his ass all day with these [bleep] idiots,

who are supposed to be my friends, by the way.

And if you ever want your husband back,

you got to come get him.

♪

So, have you been to a deli lately?

All this deli meat?

I mean, who needs this much deli meat?

And that's how I close the show.

[laughter]

[doorbell rings]

Francine, what are you doing here?

- Klaus called me and... - Klaus?!

Klaus, you called Francine to come get me?

What? No, no.

I only called her to tell her you were doing great.

And I didn't even call her!

So you haven't given up, Stan?

That's great news, because I felt

terrible about not supporting you.

Everybody felt terrible about that.

It was a dark day.

Let me make it up to you.

I want to get you out there.

I'll book you gigs, be your manager.

Hmm. Would that be stepping on your toes, Lindsey?

Sorry, I guess my cousin got in a car accident.

What's going on, Stan?

Hey, you focus on your thing.

Francine's my manager now.

Francine, as I become more and more successful,

your job will be getting me roles in Pixar movies

and defending me on Twitter.

ROGER: Surf's up, duders!

Stan and Fran are gone.

Time to live a little, guys!

Cowabunga!

Eungh. I'm droppin' in!

Eungh. I'm gonna shoot this!

Eungh.

I'm stayin' upstairs tonight.

Now, this is what the surf community calls hanging loose.

Honestly, Roger, we're tired from "livin' a little"

with you all the time.

We're burned out on all your schemes, heists,

scams, set-ups, misadventures, and dalliances.

Hmm, I'm starting to think

maybe you did steal my thesaurus, Steve.

It's just nice to chill for a change, don't you think?

No, what I do think is maybe you guys need a change of scenery.

[Aussie accent] And I heard there's a rager

down at Chimdale Harbor.

Name's Dirt Mirklegunk and I know how to rock!

[sour notes play]

No! No! Stop that.

Hard pass!

Ugh, that is super annoying!

- [normal voice] You're annoying! - You know what, Roger?

Maybe you need a little break

from "livin' a little" all the time.

You think so? [plays thoughtful chord]

- I don't know. - Tell you what,

why don't you let Hayley and me host you

for a chill night in?

Hmm, and if that sucks, then we can go live a little?

- Maybe. - Cool, cool.

By the way, I'm changing my name

from Dirt Murkledunk to Mirt Dirkledunk.

What's up with electric cars?

Is everything gonna be electric?

What's next? Electric slide?

I prefer my slide to be gas-powered,

thank you very much.

Hmm. No, that's perfect.

Stan, I got you a gig!

There's a show at Pizzeria Uno tonight

and they had a comedian cancel.

Tonight? I'd better practice

my funny faces in the mirror!

Your boy's gonna bomb, Francine.

That'd be sad.

Then we'd have to go home where I get to have all the sex

I want with him.

And where the snacks and TV are.

You want him to bomb!

Yes, Klaus.

You're bad, Francine.

You're a bad lady.

[horn honks]

Hey! Welcome, everybody, to Pizzeria Uno's comedy night,

Take My Slice, Cheese.

[laughs] Okay.

Our first comedian is some guy.

Let's give it up for him, huh?

[scattered applause]

Whoo!

Please. "Some Guy" is my father's name.

So, millennials.

Don't you just wish they were all dead?

But then who would be left to play Porkymons?

MAN: Boo!

Screw you, let's see you get up here!

I will as soon as the ambulance arrives.

Oh, no. Is something wrong?

Yeah! Someone's choking...

on stage!

- [laughter] - This crowd stinks!

Turtle Man out!

- [microphone feedback] - [laughter]

[crashing]

MAN: Oh, come on!

He knocked over my pitchers of Blue Moon!

Goddammit!

Stan, are you okay?

Those are the kinds of shows that make you want

to give up and move home.

It's okay. You gave it your all.

But I'm not going home! With your support,

I can do this for as long as it takes.

Jigga-what?!

You see, I don't want much.

I just want to ascend the mountain of comedy

and stand atop it alone, like a hero or a god.

Or something bigger than a god, a fireball... a firehorse!

Anyone who comes near me shall be burned.

Is that so much to ask?

I guess not.

Whoo! Look out, world!

Cat!

- Yeah, you better run! - [cat yowls]

KLAUS: Uh-oh, Francine,

looks like your support backfired.

You're right. We're never going home.

[cellphone ringing]

Smith! The Chinese are trying to kill

S&L cast member Colin Jokes.

We need an agent on the inside.

Please tell me you've become a world-class comedian!

S&L?

That's the top of the mountain.

We'd be done.

- He'll do it! - [cellphone beeps]

You ready to get out of here?

Stan! You got S&L!

What? How?

Uh, one of the busboys was a scout

and thought you were a genius.

Yes! I made it to S&L!

And I didn't have to deploy my best character...

[Peter Griffin voice] Guy who talks with a crazy voice!

♪

So Stan really thinks he's funny enough to be on S&L?

Yeah, and if he finds out otherwise, it'll destroy him.

So don't say anything about this being a mission.

But shouldn't he know the Chinese are trying

to kill Colin Jokes?

Stan's a C.I.A. agent.

If anything happens, his spy instincts will take over.

Well, he better not mess this up

because I want to go to the cast afterparty.

I met a girl on Bumble who claims

she's second cousins with Pete Davidson

and I want to make sure she's not a liar.

One extra-hot Cranberry Juice Cocktail.

Aah!

All right, I think I'm ready.

There he is!

S&L Creator and Executive Producer

Lorne Mykies!

Stan, I just wanted to personally thank you.

It's good to know Colin's going to be safe out there.

He'll be safe, all right.

Safe in a blanket of warm laughter.

It's wild.

All this just because we made a couple jokes

about the Chinese government.

I've got some pretty good Chinese jokes

that aren't about the government.

Don't worry, I'll only break 'em out if we need 'em.

[laughs]

The C.I.A. told me you were funny.

Hmm. What do you think he meant by "the C.I.A.

told me you were funny"?

Who knows? That guy's a weirdo!

All you have to do now is relax and read the cue cards.

Remember, S&L has the funniest writers in the world.

They do now that I'm here.

That's why I rewrote all the cue cards with my own punchlines.

What?!

What pen did you use?

And what end did you hold?

♪

Don't want to live a little, huh?

Well, this is the other way to go.

[disembodied scream]

Damn, what's in this shit?

Rum & Cokes! Get your rum & Cokes!

I can't drink rum.

Yours doesn't have rum in it.

- Which one's mine? - Any one without the "X."

So it's movie night and we're stayin' in.

Love it.

Tonight's entertainment is 2017's The Beguiled,

about an injured Union soldier in the South

that comes upon a school full of women.

Fair warning... whenever I watch a movie,

I can't resist making hilarious little comments.

Beguiled? More like buh...

buh-bullshiiiiiit.

Heh heh heh.

♪

You can't start Week In Updates!

Oh, no, it started.

And I totally would have stopped it for you.

Hello. I'm Colin Jokes.

And I'm Stan Smith.

And this is Week In Updates.

Honey! Langley Stan!

My buddy from college! He's done it!

He's ascended the mountain!

Oh, sorry. Didn't see you'd fallen asleep.

The city of Philadelphia had quite a mess

on its hands this week

when 80 cows got loose on the freeway.

When reached for comment, the Mayor of Philadelphia said,

"Millennials?

Don't you wish they were all dead?"

But then who would eat all the avacordo torst?

Tough crowd.

Oh, no, Turtle Man.

Wait, look at Colin Jokes' hand.

FRANCINE: A bomb detonator!

KLAUS: Colin Jokes isn't the target.

He's the attacker!

But Stan can't see!

His spy instincts won't kick in!

We've got to do something!

[canned laughter]

They love me.

Riiiight.

[gasps] Spy instincts!

Aah!

[grunting]

♪

[audience gasps]

♪

[bomb beeping]

♪

[audience sighs in relief]

I've heard of a comedian bombing, but this is ridiculous.

[canned laughter]

♪

Wow, pretty good for a movie with no dinosaurs,

don't ya think?

Sleepy heads countin' sheep. Don't worry.

Uncle Roger'll clean up all the cups and poison.

[gasps] The poison! To the hospital!

[door opens]

♪

Did they find the real Colin Jokes?

He was tied up in his dressing room.

Turns out the Chinese were only

after tonight's musical guest, Pitbull.

I guess China's President is in a legal battle

with him over the title of Mr. Worldwide.

I should really get on the horn with Beijing,

see if I can smooth things over.

Stan, I want to thank you again for saving the show.

You got it. Anything for the almighty laugh.

And you know what the weird part is?

It felt just like being on a mission.

I'm normally a C.I.A. agent.

Haha! That's funny.

You're funny.

You hear that, Francine?

Lorne Mykies said I was funny.

How's the view from the top of the mountain?

Majestic.

But you know, the most fun I had

out there was disarming that bomb

and beating that man to a pulp.

Maybe it's time to go back home and work at the C.I.A. again.

That sounds wonderful, Stan.

Now let's get home.

Feels like I haven't seen Toshi and the gang in forever.

♪

Wh-What happened?

Why are we in the hospital?

No one knows.

Doctors aren't ruling out poison, though.

And the tests all say that's definitely what it was.

Which is probably why...

the boys in blue have been contacted.

So I gotta mosey.

The important thing?

Remember to live a little, right?

Can't thumb your nose at life.

- [crashes] - [grunts]

Rope was too long!

And not tied to anything?!

Bye! Have a beautiful time!

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