Original subtitles

♪

♪

[footsteps]

Glad you came.

-It was easy from the subway. -Come in, come in.

-All right. -Hi.

Oh, this place is nice.

I think it'’s significantly better than a hotel.

-It is. -I should'’ve told you

the doorbell doesn'’t work.

Oh, the guy downstairs let me in.

Um, do you want the tour?

Yeah.

The kitchen, do you want a drink?

-No. -It'’s funny,

I realized one of Jenny'’s friends

lives down the block.

-Who? -Nobody but I'’ve definitely

been in some apartments there.

Are you sure?

Yeah, guy'’s name's Casper Houser,

I was there on New Year'’s.

Should'’ve gone somewhere where else.

Doesn'’t matter.

Yeah, somewhere outside the city, somewhere totally private.

[unintelligible].

Come on, I'’ll give you the rest of the tour.

Um.

Extra bedroom mostly filled with clutter.

There'’s a claw-foot tub.

Stairs to the bedroom.

Living room.

Come on.

Bedroom.

Ugh.

This is why I really chose it.

[birds chirping]

[water running]

[hairdryer humming]

-Did you bring these sheets? -No.

They said to leave them for the cleaning lady.

Do you think things will change between us?

Hard for them not to.

I guess.

Change for the better.

This is a terrible thing.

-Terrible is relative. -It is.

We have the rest of our lives to atone.

I'’m always gonna feel guilty.

Don'’t feel terrible or guilty now.

I'’ll try.

No one else matters.

I can'’t compartmentalize like you can.

It'’s not all black and white.

It should be when you'’re married.

But clearly it isn'’t.

It was before now.

Being monogamous is a struggle.

It shouldn'’t be. I should be able to control myself.

You always have.

Yet here I am.

Have you ever been with a guy?

Mm, what makes you ask that?

I don'’t know, I was just wondering.

No, have you ever been with a woman?

Made out, drunk years ago.

I had a threesome with another guy once.

How was that?

We didn'’t do anything with each other.

Did you want to?

I don'’t know, I guess not.

It was a strange experience.

She came to me afterwards when I was in the kitchen

and said, "Next time, you should come alone."

I never did.

I really wish I remembered the first time

-I knew who you were. -I knew you well before.

You always know the grades ahead of you

-better than they know you. -I did.

It'’s not as if we were introduced.

Just however people meet people.

Through Dave, I'’m sure.

Well, it would just be a nice memory to have.

It would.

Did you ever come with Dave to see me at JMU?

No, Dave and I weren'’t friends then.

We'’re not friends now.

Good, I'’m glad you didn't come.

No one from then is still in my life.

Did that hurt you?

Oh, you never lacked confidence.

-Come on. -Just haven'’t been

that vigorous in a while.

Sorry.

I'’m old, sweetie, older than you.

Not by as much as you used to be.

You'’re almost 30.

I am completely.

Actually, I was out running near the university

a few weeks ago.

There were these girls sunbathing on their deck.

I slowed up a bit, not sure what I was expecting to happen

and just the way they looked at me,

I could tell they were repulsed.

Well, I'’m sure your leering was the problem,

-not your age. -No, there was a clear divide.

They didn'’t understand and neither did I.

Does it matter?

Doesn'’t.

Did--did you want to go back to that age?

Time passes slowly enough.

Doesn'’t it seem like you were just 20?

Seems ages ago.

Oh my God, I feel like I was having parties

at my parents just last year.

Weren'’t you?

I used to think about being with you so much.

I was so fit back then, I thought I might

-disappoint you now. -Hardly.

The thought of coming back here transported my mind back.

I was feeling so good about myself.

Then I looked down this morning

and was mortified.

I know you would have rather had me then.

-With this? -Mhm.

Fucking starving.

[sizzling]

-[unintelligible]. -Okay, good?

-Yeah. -Good.

Done.

Done.

Save some of that cheese.

[floor squeaking]

-Almost done? -Close.

Do you wanna get a few plates?

[sizzling]

Maybe you gotta turn that down?

No, because it just needs to sear it.

Okay.

What?

What!

It just wasn'’t like getting hot enough, that'’s all.

Mhm.

[whistling]

-Oh. -Mm.

Couldn'’t do?

Yeah, is there one open?

Do you just want one?

Yes, thank you.

Can I eat it?

You can.

[chuckling]

-It'’s good. -Yeah?

-Mhm. -Good.

It'’s tasty.

Hot?

Mhm, it'’s good.

[chuckling]

-This is fun. -It is.

[flushing]

[water running]

James, I can'’t forget these are here.

[distant sirens]

[wind howling]

[dripping]

-Good morning. -Morning.

I was worried you'’d left.

Where can I possibly go?

How long have you been up?

My body'’s used to being up at 5 a.m.

I could only fight it for so long.

-You should have woken me. -It would'’ve been too cruel.

Plus, it gave me a chance to make you breakfast.

I wanted to make you breakfast.

There'’s always tomorrow.

I don'’t think I'’ve ever seen you cook.

Motherhood'’s changed me.

How is all that?

It'’s great, Will'’s already walking.

-And Pete? -Pete'’s the same.

Working a lot, playing hockey, playing golf.

-Never an idle second. -You'’re happy up there?

Well, it was hard at the start

but we'’ve made some friends.

It'’s our home now.

I'’m glad.

Of course I miss it here.

I don'’t think you'’ve visited since

before you were pregnant.

I don'’t think you visited us

since before I was pregnant.

You'’re probably right.

Have you read this?

Yeah, I have.

-And? -Yeah, I liked it.

[soft grunting]

[typing]

[water running]

Yeah.

[heavy breathing]

Oh my God.

[grunting]

[moaning]

I'’m thinking of getting a tattoo.

-What of? -I want to get Will'’s full name

from my wrist to my elbow.

Sure that will be nice.

Do you like it?

I haven'’t seen it.

The idea of it.

Why not have it wrap around your arm like a snake?

That seems pretty trashy.

Is there a such thing as a tasteful tattoo

or a trashy one? Aren'’t they just as they are?

I thought you liked them?

I don'’t think I said I didn't. I have them.

Do you think I'’ll regret it?

Do they care at your work?

It doesn'’t matter.

-It might. -A kid'’s name?

-Everyone has tattoos. -I guess.

Don'’t you remember when we almost got matching ones.

Were we ever that close to doing it?

We drew them.

Remember? The sail boats?

Your sail would have had a "C" in it and mine a "J."

I haven'’t forgotten, I might just remember it

a bit differently from you.

-You wouldn'’t have done it. -I might have.

But we didn'’t so we'’ll never know.

-I would have done it. -Would'’ve been a strange thing

-to explain to your fiancé. -Well, maybe the sail

wouldn'’t have had a "J" in it.

-How'’s being back at work? -Oh, it'’s great.

It'’s nice to be able to have a one-sided conversation

with someone where the other person

is choosing not to respond.

But not because they can'’t understand.

Going that well, is it?

It'’s just the push-pull.

The range of emotions I experience on a daily basis

is not something I was prepared for.

In what way? Wanting to be home?

Even now I feel the pull.

Lying here like this with you

in this perfect moment.

I still feel it.

Every time I leave him I'’m thinking

am I doing the right thing?

What does that mean though, the right thing?

Some point you have to let him be.

I know, I'’m sure the feeling will fade as he gets older.

I just...

I'’ve only spent a few nights away from him.

-Seems mad. -So what?

To miss him and to want to be alone at the same time.

It'’s like I'm constantly being pulled

in opposite directions.

-Right. -I want to have my own life.

To have adult interactions but how can I forgive myself

if something happened to him if I wasn'’t there?

Right, of course, but aren'’t you just tempting fate?

Well, every parent tries.

At some point you'’ll have to let him be,

you'’ll cripple him.

I just want him to be safe.

And he is and he will be.

You can'’t control randomness.

I know.

You think you'’ll let him fail?

-At life? -At anything.

Kids seem to have no onus put on them anymore.

Failures are all the parents.

Did your parents let you fail?

I was perhaps given a little too much latitude

in that department.

Retaking calculus more than a few times.

And you'’re proud of this?

No, but I accepted my failure eventually.

It'’s my fault. Not the parents, not the teachers, but mine.

Well, in 15 to 20 years I won'’t be helping him

with his calculus homework, as if I could.

Just saying that there'’s a constructiveness to failure

that seems to have been lost.

Some parents make me not want to have kids.

Are you talking about someone specific?

-Of course. -Who?

No one, are you done having kids?

I don'’t know, I'd always imagined I'’d have more.

You do come from a big family.

You know, I'’d like to say we'’re done but sometimes

a mothering instinct comes on so strong

and I can'’t help but want more.

I can'’t imagine wanting to be outnumbered.

It'’s just so hard to pause your life.

I guess it'’s really two years.

Yeah, you start with things the same for the most part

but normal life becomes harder and harder to maintain

and then you just sort of disappear.

You still saw people.

People came to see me, yes.

But...

the world, your job, nothing waits for you.

Except me.

You'’re abnormal, kiddo.

So weird though because this thing'’s happening to you

but nobody really even knows.

-Most people don'’t know you. -Everyone that knows me knew

but other people that I thought would know didn'’t.

Someone from Pete'’s work came over after I had Will

and told me they didn'’t even know I was pregnant

until Pete took two weeks off for the birth.

He doesn'’t want to tell people that he works with

about his personal life, that bothers you?

They are close enough friends to come to my house.

It just really makes you feel like it'’s happening to you

-and not happening to us. -It is happening to you though.

The experience of parenting is just different

for a man and a woman.

Man'’s life's allowed to continue

essentially unchanged.

Women are different afterwards.

It'’s no wonder so many people divorce after having kids.

I used to think it was because they couldn'’t handle

the change in their lives, I now know it'’s because

they can'’t handle the change

or lack of change in their partner.

Could be that neither do and they were never meant

-to make it work. -I know I'’m generalizing

but I'’m just saying as a woman there'’s so many

"What have I done" moments when you have a kid.

You don'’t think men do?

They start a lot earlier for women.

You live moment to moment with them for nine months.

I'’m sure it's not hard for the guy to feel left out.

They'’re there as much as they want to be.

I wouldn'’t know.

[phone buzzing]

Chelsea? I was thinking we could do something

we used to when we were unemployed.

What might that be?

I think we should get a little high.

Really?

Oh God.

I haven'’t done that in years.

I rarely ever do either except at Thanksgiving

-with my cousins. -Why Thanksgiving?

It doesn'’t matter, that'’s just who I got it from.

Should we?

Let'’s go out to the alley so it feels authentic.

[birds chirping]

-I miss your old car. -You and you alone.

A lot of people had a lot of fun in that car.

-Died with my youth. -I'’ll probably picture you

driving it forever.

You'’ll be 50 and coming to pick me up

and I'’ll still picture that gray Grand Am.

It'’s weird, those impressions you get in your mind

that you can'’t get rid of.

I'’m sure they changed overtime, they distort.

I guess.

You think so?

Memories become less sharp, for sure.

They get filled in by fiction, sorry.

That summer we spent so much time together

I remember a red polka dot dress

but I'’m sure there wasn't one.

I don'’t remember a red dress.

Doesn'’t mean I haven'’t forgotten.

You'’ve always had a mind for minutia.

Seasons for me are one blurred jumble.

How is it that you never tried anything with me back then?

What if you'’d rejected me?

An unrequited flirtation is sometimes better than reality.

Blow it hard.

You'’re disappointed.

No, definitely not, I couldn'’t be happier.

But how many years in the making is this?

Eight, nine?

I really do wish I remembered the first time

I knew who you were.

Why did you never try anything with me?

I just thought I was one of many.

Some old lady you kept around.

I'’m sure you know that isn'’t true and never was.

There were a lot back then.

There weren'’t really.

During our summer I had a girlfriend.

Yeah.

There was also some ginger girl, what was her name?

-Mel. -Right. Mel.

Did you ever have any isolated incidents with Mel?

No, never, close once.

She'’s married now.

And this would stop you?

Gotta empty that for me.

I'’ve retired that part of my life.

If you'’re sure.

I rarely have the mental energy for fantasy anymore.

There are only like three women I fantasize about now.

Come on.

Seriously, you, Mel and this girl

I worked with years ago.

No one else?

There are moments but persistent fantasy over the years

there are three.

'’Cause what, you've never slept with any of them

before this weekend?

Women I became attached to emotionally

but never physically.

For whatever reason they'’ve persisted.

You actually had feelings for them.

You and them.

There are beautiful athletes, celebrities

but they'’re empty to me.

Who was that...

[coughing]

...actress you liked?

That one when we used to do our celebrity crushes.

-You know who I mean. -Shelley Duvall.

Right from The Shining.

Yes.

She'’s beautiful.

She was.

She was.

She was.

No, don'’t, don't, don'’t.

[buzzing]

No.

Hello?

Good day, sir.

[buzzing]

Do it, do it.

[buzzing]

I feel like all this stuff'’s in here for a reason.

The door was unlocked when I got here.

I think we'’re supposed to know we aren'’t welcome.

The door was unlocked.

The doors were closed.

It'’s no different than going through

someone'’s medicine cabinet.

-I don'’t do that. -If anything, that'’s different.

-I don'’t do that. -It'’s more personal.

Never?

Aren'’t you curious?

I don'’t think I know anybody with a medicine cabinet.

You know what I mean.

Well, I wouldn'’t like the idea of someone

raiding through my life.

Is that why your Instagram is private?

I don'’t want people to look at pictures of my kid.

People I don'’t know.

There are that many people going through your social media?

You don'’t know who's looking.

I'’ll let you in on something: there'’s no one.

You don'’t understand.

I read somewhere recently

that childhood kidnappings are down

something like 60 percent since the 1980s.

Are there many child kidnappings in Aurora?

It'’s not funny.

Dateline'’s not supposed to be funny.

There'’s too much Dateline in our lives.

No, this, I'’m not joking about it.

Is the weed just making me more edgy than normal?

Me too.

Come look through these people'’s stuff with me.

Their lives anyways.

Is there really a difference?

-Between what? -Your stuff and your life.

I don'’t know, I'’d like to think so.

But I mean, why do we need so much stuff?

I'’m sure these people don'’t need all of this.

You moved to the suburbs because your husband

hauled all your stuff.

Not my kid.

I like to think that I'’m defined

by more than the shoes I wear

or the TV I have.

Look at this coat.

What defines you then?

My interests, my job.

How does being defined by books or movies define you?

Aren'’t those just things like your coat?

Yeah, but I mean like, everything is a thing

at some point, right?

That'’s what makes you up.

How you react or choose from the things up there.

Do you think we consciously choose those things

or do we just like what we like?

-I hope I helped choose them. -What?

I hope I helped choose them,

I helped define my sensibilities.

-What? -What defines you?

My family, Will.

So you'’re defined by other people?

I never really thought of Will as people.

He is at least, technically.

Yeah, but I'’ve always been defined by my relationships.

I don'’t mind, you know?

Ever since I was younger.

-Do you have interests? Friends? -Friends choose you too,

the collection of them says something.

That'’s true.

We are who we are, right?

But who are they?

-They live here. -They do

and we'’re in the middle of their lives right now.

Do you think we'’ll get in trouble for being in here?

All they can do is give me a bad rating and frankly,

I'’m sick of the rating-based society we live in.

Me too.

Why can'’t someone just tell me

if something is good or not?

Everything'’s the best or the worst anyway.

Nothing is reasoned.

I just ignore it.

You'’re better than I am.

One or both of them are photographers.

So many photobooks.

They got married recently.

When they lived here for sure.

If they moved, they wouldn'’t have so many photos

-on the fridge, you know. -How astute.

They'’d be like--what?

How astute.

This is also their first home.

-Probably a good bet. -Shit.

They'’re probably saving for something.

-What? -Probably saving for something

if they'’re renting out their home.

If?

People rent their homes when they'’re on vacation.

-Do you? -No.

'’Cause you don't need the money.

We work, I just feel it would be like living in a hotel

all the time.

I think they'’re from here.

They wrote kitsch in the walls about the city.

They could just dislike kitsch.

Everyone should dislike kitsch.

If they liked it it would be all locked up in this room.

By itself.

Do you think we'’d be friends with them?

I like their place.

It'’s the kind of place I was looking for

when we were moving, you know.

Not a lot of room for kids.

I don'’t think they have any.

Yeah, but are they trying?

They have two bedrooms, so maybe.

What I'’m really wondering is if they'’re happy.

[thunder rumbling]

[rain pouring]

Do you think dreams are prophetic?

As in, do they tell the future?

As in, is it possible that I dreamed about this

so many times that it actually came true?

If everything you dreamed came true

-you wouldn'’t be here. -I might.

You'’d be on Mars or at Universal Studios or something.

Where would you be?

On an island, I guess.

Your dream'’s an island?

Being in paradise forever.

It'’s a state of being not a dream.

A dream can be anything.

You dream of anything and everything

but a dream is different.

A dream is different than a dream.

It'’s surreal.

A beach, an island seems pretty unreal to me.

It is reality though.

Yes.

But this is also a reality.

The logic is different.

Do you control yours?

Only once have I ever done that.

For a long time, we only dated after dark.

You were usually in mind but for some reason

I find sexually explicit dreams unnerving.

-Really? -It feels like I never slept.

-You never did. -I was too afraid.

Your nightly visitors, do they come anymore?

No, but when I wake at night the fear is there.

They were just dreams.

They were real though.

Can you please pass me that?

Hm?

Yeah, no, yeah.

You think they ever ate like this?

When they'’re feeling proper.

I don'’t think I've ever sat at a table like this

with only one other person.

-It'’s strange. -It reminds me of a scene

in Batman where Kim Basinger and Michael Keaton

sit at opposite ends of a table that'’s so long

they can'’t hear each other speak.

I'’ve never seen it.

[chuckling]

[laughing]

[sighing]

[water trickling]

[whirring]

[whirring]

Do you watch this all the time?

It'’s all I watch.

-With the sound off? -I don'’t need to hear

what they'’re saying.

It'’s like a fire.

Easy to get lost.

I can'’t believe the last time I saw you was Russ'’s wedding.

Seems like a very long time ago.

I'’ve been to like

five weddings since then.

It'’s one of the weirdest weddings I'’ve ever been to.

I know, it was sad.

I don'’t think I've ever seen speeches that bad.

I know.

Pete got up in the middle of one of them

and went to buy cigarettes from the guy

that was sitting at our table.

A shame we weren'’t sat together.

I was at a table with the other old people.

We were in an alcove, coat check basically.

I'’ve never seen so many people texting at a wedding.

At one point our entire table had their phones out.

I hope they didn'’t realize.

Your wedding day is so dreamlike.

There'’s so much going on,

it'’s hard to remember the specifics.

It'’s just--it's really a blur of faces and handshakes.

We managed to have a dance at that wedding.

We did.

I'’m still mad at you for not dancing with me at mine.

-I know. -Why didn'’t we?

It'’s hard to attend the wedding of someone you'’re in love with.

I--yeah,

-I guess it must be. -Spent almost the entirety

of your wedding at a bar at the bar.

I know, it still makes me sad.

I went to a Burger King,

and then a strip club afterwards,

so I'’m not sure who should be more sad.

Really? I don'’t think I knew that.

Wasn'’t good.

[crunching]

Do you think you'’ll get married?

I don'’t know, Jenny makes allusions to it,

but she'’s quite a few years younger.

Do you want to?

Seems to complicate things further.

Only if you get divorced.

Seems like a long commitment.

It'’s only a lifetime.

We'’ve orbited each other for a long time,

and you don'’t seem to be sick of me.

You were always at arm'’s length.

We'’ve spent a lot of time alone together.

We have, but not like this, or like a marriage.

I'’ve not spent this kind of time with many people.

No?

Less than you, I'’m sure.

That doesn'’t matter.

How often do you think about me?

-Every day. -I probably think about you

every day.

Even when we don'’t talk, though?

I don'’t have--I don't have a choice in the matter.

-Yeah, guess not. -What are we gonna do

about you thinking about me every day?

There is nothing you can do about that.

[whooshing]

[whirring]

♪

[ringtone beeping]

-Hello. -Hi.

-How are you? -Good.

It'’s good to see you.

-How are things going? -Oh, it'’s okay, busy.

Great, are you stuck in your hotel?

Yeah, I'’m done for the day, I'’m headed out for dinner soon.

Yeah, sounds amazing.

Are you still planning to be back tomorrow afternoon?

Are you going insane?

No, of course not.

We had our pizza and ice cream dinner,

and he ran around screaming for a while.

But, I put on a movie,

and he fell right asleep actually.

-Do you want me to wake him up? -No.

No.

Yeah, we had a good day, we went to the park.

My mom came by for a bit.

I'’ll just put him in bed, and then I'’ll watch the game.

That'’s great, it sounds good.

I mean, we miss you.

I know, I miss you guys, too.

Are you sure you don'’t want me to wake him up?

We just saw your parents last week.

I don'’t understand why that'’s coming out again.

Yeah, I just want a weekend at home

where I don'’t have to feel on the entire time.

[sighing]

Yeah, I know--I know.

I know I'’m gone this weekend, but it'’s for work.

These [unintelligible] supporters are brutal.

[clinking]

We worked it out, we decided some troubles.

Listen, listen, look, it'’s fine.

What am I gonna tell him, not to come?

[trickling]

[sloshing]

Your brothers don'’t live far away,

I don'’t understand why they have to come ski with us.

At least your parents have the decency to get a hotel.

I'’m fine, I'm just tired.

[clinking]

Yeah.

Okay.

I'’m glad you don't have to do this very often.

You'’re going away this week.

Yeah, I know, but somehow you going away

seems different.

It is, you'’re the one at home.

I'’ll just be happy to have you back.

I know, I'’m excited to come home, too,

but this is gonna happen a lot more,

I'’m gonna travel for work more, I just am.

Yeah, we'’ll talk about it more when you come back.

There is nothing to talk about.

All right.

Yep, can we not do this?

-What are we doing? -This, what we do.

What we always do.

We'’re just talking.

If you say so.

Just come home soon, okay?

I--I gotta go get ready for dinner, okay?

Okay, uh, I'’ll see you tomorrow?

-Yeah. -Have a good night, okay?

You too.

-Love you. -Love you, too.

Bye.

How was that?

-Fine, you? -Fine as well.

Should we make dinner?

Are you hungry?

Yeah, sure.

I'’m not sure I wanna eat.

-What do you wanna do? -I don'’t know.

Well, it'’s up to you, we can just sit here

and relax for a bit if you'’d like.

Doesn'’t matter.

What?

Just--this is the first time I can remember

putting my own pleasure above others'’,

and I'’m struggling with it a bit.

[sighing]

I'’m sorry, I don't know why I'’m so upset.

No, it'’s fine.

It'’s just I spend so much time trying to please everyone else,

my husband, my family, my kid.

You'’re choosing yourself.

Am I?

Maybe I'’m actually doing it for you, pleasing you,

pretending to please myself.

I was under the impression you were here

because you wanted to be.

[sighing]

I am, I do wanna be here, but I don'’t feel like

I had a choice with you, I never had a choice with you.

You chose to come here.

We are here, we have fucked.

No one'’s gonna wind back the tape.

No one'’s gonna absolve you.

I know, I didn'’t realize I'’d need absolution,

I just--I don'’t know, I don'’t know what to say!

Well, no, come on.

I just can'’t help but thinking I'’m not the only one

-you'’ve done this with. -What I do and with who

doesn'’t really matter right now.

It does, don'’t you understand how special this is to me?

How out of character it is?

I do honestly, but if you'’re hoping to not do it,

you can'’t.

No, I'’m here,

so here for you, and every time I look over

you'’re on your phone talking to someone else,

or arranging another weekend with someone else.

Not doing anything, it'’s just habit.

Have you seen me look at mine?

I am totally here with you,

but you'’re always looking outside

looking for more.

What are you talking about?

The unknown'’s always enticing, but now I'’m known to you,

you'’ll probably never talk to me again.

Where is this coming from?

Just feel like someone else is under my skin,

like I'’m watching these things happen,

-but I have no control. -It'’s only you.

I also keep thinking about how I'’m glad we never dated,

because I'’d be at home and you'’d be here

-with someone else right now. -You'’re speculating at something

that never happened.

Admit it.

What am I admitting to?

Just admit that you'’d be here with someone else,

that you wanna do this again,

-just with someone else. -What do you want me to say?

That I wanna fuck other women?

You are other women.

-I did it for you. -Why are you speaking

in the past tense?

[sighing]

We didn'’t even manage to leave the city you live in,

one of your girlfriend'’s friends lives down the street.

Where do you wanna go, somewhere we can walk

hand in hand?

This is illicit, this is an affair,

this is what you wanted.

-You said this was different. -This is different.

You'’ve been a part of my entire adult life.

Just because I'’ve slept with you doesn'’t mean that's gonna stop.

No, you always get what you want,

I'’ve come to realize that.

You were just so patient,

you knew eventually I'’d crack and we'’d be here.

I didn'’t trick you, stop trying to make this

about me.

I don'’t know.

This was there for you all along.

A month ago you messaged me-- I'’m still the same.

-Nothing changed. -Now I'’m just speculating.

If you don'’t wanna see it, that'’s fine.

Let'’s just have dinner and forget about this.

Ugh, I guess I shouldn'’t be surprised.

I'’ve seen you do this to so many others.

I haven'’t done anything to anyone.

This was supposed to be about us realizing

-what we'’ve always known. -And now you'’ve realized it.

Sure the reason you'’re here isn't me?

Could say the same thing to you.

Could, but that goes beyond my current situation.

Convenient.

You knew I'’d come.

Whatever'’s going on in your life got you here,

and I'’m sorry for that.

I could say the same thing to you.

Oh, you'’re right, of course,

I'’ve always been a face in the crowd to you.

-That'’s not what I meant. -Isn'’t it?

I'’m here because you never left my mind.

Oh, my God, what am I gonna tell my husband?

You'’re gonna tell him what you already told him.

I don'’t know, how can I go home and kiss him?

-I know what we'’ve done. -Feeling will fade.

But it won'’t, what if it just grows and festers inside me?

-You won'’t say anything. -I don'’t know how I won't.

What if I can'’t be with him anymore?

-What are you gonna tell him? -What we did.

I won'’t be responsible for breaking up a marriage.

-A family. -I think you need to calm down.

You realize this would destroy Pete?

-I have to be honest with him. -What good does it do?

What'’s done is done.

-Are you happy? -What?

-Are you happy? -I'’m fine.

You think I'’m an idiot for starting a family?

You think there'’s no way I'’m happy?

I don'’t know anything about it.

I never should'’ve done this.

Can'’t take it back.

I know, I have to make it right, though.

What are you gonna do?

I don'’t know.

Shame that the easiest person to lie to

is the person who trusts you the most.

-Why did we do this? -I know why I did it.

It'’s always a fantasy.

You could'’ve said no.

You got on the train, you came here.

But I was so close to not.

You know, I almost didn'’t get on the train.

You did, though.

I just needed a weekend away to see

-what it could'’ve been like. -Doesn'’t matter why you came.

It does to me, though.

There'’s no amount of rationalization

that will make you feel okay you came.

What should we do?

Can'’t go back till tomorrow, so let'’s just enjoy

what time we have left.

We could get on a train tonight,say the conference ended early.

Is that what you wanna do?

You'’ll be fine, this'll pass.

Can you please not condescend me?

You fucked me, all right? You got what you wanted.

-You didn'’t want the same? -I did want it, but so what?

I shouldn'’t have done it.

Actually, do you think you could go out for a while?

-Where do you want me to go? -Please, just go buy me

-some cigarettes. -Do you still smoke?

Only secretly.

-Please. -Sure.

-Thank you. -Morleys?

[sighing]

[whirring]

[distant horn honking]

[clicking]

♪

[unzipping]

[sniffling]

[crying]

[thudding]

[whirring]

[distant car passing]

[whooshing]

[creaking]

How'’s the pizza?

Excuse me?

The pizza, how is it?

[clock chiming]

It'’s great.

Can you please pass the dipping sauce?

[clock chiming]

Did you have a hard time finding the house?

No, it was no problem.

Do you like eating in here?

Do you wanna get out of here?

♪

[whirring]

♪

[clanking]

♪

I don'’t understand why this TV is so small.

What do you mean?

Why would someone own a TV this small?

Maybe it'’s old.

You'’re right by the way.

About what?

I have been messaging with someone else.

I know.

I haven'’t slept with her yet, she'’s quite a bit younger.

It'’s funny how men equate cheating with sex.

It'’s part of it, sure, but it'’s the intimacy.

If your only defense is that you haven'’t slept with her,

it'’s probably too late.

By that rationale, you'’ve been cheating on Pete for years.

I am aware.

Regardless of the situation, I shouldn'’t be texting her now.

Are you gonna sleep with her?

I don'’t know.

-Where did you meet her? -She got hired at my company

a few months ago.

That place has always supplied a wealth for you.

Oh, I'’m hard to get, all you gotta do is ask me.

You don'’t need to feign guilt.

You'’ve always known what you were doing.

Acting as if you don'’t now only insults us both.

Just happens.

You being inside them?

Starts off innocuously, but we'’ll all be out

at a bar somewhere, and it will just turn.

You turn it, though.

You turn self-deprecating, and those young girls

fall into your trap.

They'’re complicit in it.

You'’re playing a game where you already know the outcome.

Sex has always been a way that I know women.

Some point when I become close enough friends with them

I have this inexplicable urge to sleep with them.

You have a perverse view of friendship.

If I haven'’t slept with them,

there'’s always this part that'’s hidden away,

kept secret from me.

You'’re just being territorial, whether you know it or not,

or want to admit it or not, that'’s all it is.

They come close to you and they have to be yours.

I find it hard to believe you view sex like that.

It'’s better if you don't share it with everyone you know.

-Really? -It'’s better

when kept a secret.

Plus, sex is an expression of emotion,

whether you want to admit it or not.

-Not always. -Emptiness is an emotion.

Loneliness is an emotion.

Sounds to me like you actually have feelings for these women,

and since you'’re usually in some kind of a relationship,

these work women are your immediate options.

Or I could just want to get to know them better.

You could, I suppose.

Here'’s lookin' at you, kid.

Would you be offended if I told you

I'’ve never seen that movie?

I don'’t know if I'd be offended, I'’d be sad for you.

What is that supposed to mean?

I don'’t really know, I always thought it was

something old drunks said.

What movie is that from again?

[insects buzzing]

[distant cars passing]

Remember when we used to talk about how we were gonna

-run away together? -Spain.

Wish we'’d done it.

It'’s terrible to realize it'’s too late for something.

-Still think about it sometimes. -I do, too.

It'’s been so hard lately, and us over there

always seemed so easy.

Could'’ve been Jake Barnes and Lady Brett Ashley.

That'’d be more accurate if we went now.

Do you remember the morning I called you at work

to tell you I had had William?

Well, you just had a baby, or something to that effect.

You came down to the hospital,

first person to come visit, and I knew then

that we were never gonna run away.

It was always a fantasy, but I knew then for certain.

We can imagine.

You just stood there holding Will,

and I just knew.

Your wedding was sort of it for me,

but you having kids definitely changed things.

Things were different that day.

You walk into a room as two people

and come out as three.

I'’m sure that's why you take so many photos.

I know no one cares.

I like them, and I wanna see them,

but my life'’s a bit saturated with that sort of thing.

Yeah, people without kids don'’t wanna see them

and people with kids are too busy doing the same thing.

Every childhood is different but the same,

damaging but quickly forgotten.

The past in general is a weird thing.

It defines you but it isn'’t you.

I mean, really, I'’m here because of our past,

not because of how we are now.

Doesn'’t matter, though, it'’s all imagined.

Oh, we never had anything?

You'’re not here because of what we had,

you'’re here '’cause of something else.

Maybe.

The biggest cruelty in life is being in love with two people.

It'’s worse if both of them love you back.

Not for you it wasn'’t, you figured it out

and both still love you.

You'’re with the one you chose.

Doesn'’t make things easier.

No, but they'’re still in your life.

Yeah, they are.

Em and I broke up the year you got married.

Her not being invited to your wedding

didn'’t help things.

You decided that, you all decided you'’d rather

have a table full of boys than bring dates.

I know, but she suspected something,

and slowly we came apart.

-Because of my wedding? -Yes and no.

I'’m sure I acted strangely around the time of your wedding,

I mean, I acted strangely at your wedding.

You were fine, you just didn'’t talk much.

Which was strange in and of itself.

Crazy thing is, now what, five years later,

I still can'’t talk about her, I can'’t think about her

without feeling some sort of pang inside.

Maybe you loved her.

She was--she was the greatest part of my life.

Do you ever talk to her?

Afterwards, out of pity, she kept in close contact

with me, but eventually had to tell her to stop,

that I couldn'’t take it anymore.

I'’m sure it wasn't pity.

I never told anyone this, but a few months after

I broke up with her, I saw her out on a date

with someone else.

It'’s funny, at some point, she became her,

as if her name was too damaging.

Saying it or thinking it too much.

I can still see it so clearly.

It cut me so deeply.

I think I still thought that somehow it'’d pass,

that she'’d take me back,

that we'’d get back together again,

and seeing her there with someone else,

it just destroyed me.

I walked home in this daze,

and I just wept for hours.

I'’ve never felt something like that before,

and felt so devoid of emotion afterwards.

Do you remember the apartment I was in then?

Of course, I told you I was pregnant

-in that apartment. -You did.

I thought you'’d never talk to me again.

Can'’t believe that was ever a real concern of yours.

You were absolutely against children,

I thought it'’d be too much for you.

Loss was too much for me.

Went through this phase of seeing her everywhere.

I'’d get on the subway and she'’d be there.

She'’d be in a cab passing by.

It was never her?

She was in Germany or Saint-Tropez

or something for a while.

Oh.

Do you remember when I got really sick,

that viral throat infection I had?

Vaguely.

Was all emaciated, I lost like 30 pounds

and was delirious.

I was completely wrecked by having seen Em

with someone else.

I just couldn'’t take it anymore, I decided it'’d be better

not to be alive.

You seriously considered killing yourself?

I thought about it all the time, more than anything else

for a while.

So selfish, I can'’t believe you would even think it.

It'’s stupid.

I just didn'’t see any difference between being dead or alive.

[whirring]

Figured most people in the world, my world anyways,

weren'’t alive, they weren'’t living lives,

they were just alive, which to me meant dead.

I'’d think about how the dead weren'’t lonely.

You had a life.

Didn'’t seem so, I had a collection of nothings.

You have one now, you being here is evidence of that.

Basically decided I had to do it.

I'’d write this brilliant suicide note,

letting everyone know it was all okay.

-That I was fine. -Suicide notes

are meant to hurt.

Maybe they are, I don'’t know.

[whirring]

Guess there'’s no way for them not to.

But I decided I'’d take a handful of pills,

which I figured was as close to dying in your sleep

as you could hope.

As I said, I'’d been sick,

so I had amounts of drugs at my place.

I went over to my apartment for what I thought

was the last time.

I remember going to a garage sale and buying a copy

of This Side of Paradise, which somehow made sense.

And I bought some good stationery,

and I wrote this suicide note that I thought was wonderful

aligning all the reasons why I wasn'’t worth it.

Then, I showered,

and I dressed.

[cars passing]

And I laid--

and I laid in my bed with all--

with all the pill bottles.

[sobbing]

For whatever reason, I couldn'’t do it.

You actually didn'’t want to die.

No, I realized I--

I was afraid of death, and what it meant

being dead.

But not really, just quite suddenly I found myself

wondering whether there was a hell.

Would I go there?

I'’m sure you were looking for reasons to not do it.

[whirring]

[engine puttering]

I just couldn'’t let myself be one of those cries for help

shamefully being placed in a hospital

'’cause I couldn't kill myself properly.

But you didn'’t do it.

Nope.

Quickly realized I couldn'’t.

The fear was palpable.

That primal fear, though, it made me feel alive.

Swept the pill bottles onto the floor,

and I just laid there for hours.

Remember...

and the phone rang.

Some guys were going out, and they wanted me to come,

so I went.

[cars passing]

Are you seriously telling me that my wedding

and you breaking up with Emily almost made you kill yourself?

It was just this urge comes up in you.

Feeling can'’t be explained, it just takes over your mind.

-What'’d the note say? -It said a lot of things.

Things that, you'’re right, would'’ve hurt people

I cared about.

But when you'’re in that space, you don'’t--

it doesn'’t make any sense.

You just see yourself as a burden on others,

that'’s why you wanna do it, that'’s why I wanted to do it.

I kept the note for a long while.

Read it occasionally.

Thought I'’d do something with it, but I just

threw it out one day.

It'’s good that it's gone.

It'’s a time of my life that I'’m glad is a part of me,

but happy to be away from.

I lost both of you that year.

It'’s supposed to be a nice day tomorrow.

They'’re all nice days.

[crickets chirping]

[whirring]

[water running]

Wanted to make you breakfast before you left.

You really didn'’t have to go to all the trouble.

It'’s the one thing I wanted to do for you this weekend.

-Cook me breakfast? -One of the few things

I think I'’ve ever done for you before.

Seems so improbable that you'’ve never cooked me breakfast.

You always left shortly after dawn.

I did.

Looks delicious, you'’re not eating?

No, I already ate.

This part of the plan, to watch me eat?

Was.

How'’s your week?

Well, it'’s not gonna be too bad, I'’ve got a couple meetings,

but mostly in office.

Pete'’s going away for a couple days.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah, his firm'’s building

some bridge up north, so he'’s gotta go

supervise it or something.

Sounds great.

-You? -Same, same.

It'’s a shame we couldn't go for a walk this weekend.

I know, it was all we ever used to do, it seems odd not to.

Yeah, and in the town where we did it all.

I'’m sure we walked right past this place.

Probably.

I don'’t really go for walks anymore,

unless it'’s with a stroller, and then it'’s

instantly different.

You know, nor do I.

I should, I have no reason not to.

Maybe we still can.

[birds chirping]

[thudding]

-You'’re not leaving yet? -No, I'’ve got the place

till tonight, so I'’m gonna stay and do some work.

-Well, enjoy the peace. -I will.

-So, talk to you soon? -Of course.

You should really come visit us sometime.

I will.

I love you.

I love you, too.

You sure you don'’t want me to get you a cab?

No, I'’m gonna walk.

[unlatching]

[birds chirping]

[rattling]

♪