Original subtitles

Captioning made possible by Acorn Media

Years ago,

when I started buying old paintings

at country house auctions all over England,

I decided I'd better learn to clean and restore them myself.

So I did.

One day, I bought a small painting for 25 pence

from a junk shop in Brighton.

It didn't even have a stretcher. It was just a loose canvas.

And it had almost certainly been cut out of its frame by a thief.

When I cleaned off the top layer of paint,

there, underneath it,

was a beautiful little Renoir landscape.

The idea for the story you're going to see now

actually came to me while I was working on this picture.

[Music playing]

Oh, the caviar, Clarence. Splendid, splendid.

Yeah, that's right. Put that over there.

You like all that junk.

I'll have the lemon here, please, the caviar there.

Oh, that's just splendid. Now, where was I?

Oh, yes, on the plane.

On the plane coming back from New York,

I found myself sitting next to Paul Manheim--

you know, the art critic.

And, well, one thing led to another,

and when we got back to London,

he came around to the flat and took a look at my Picasso.

He said, "I'll take another look at it

after it's been cleaned."

Well, you can imagine I didn't take very kindly to that.

Mmm! I do love this stuff. This is just marvelous.

Mmm! What were we saying?

Um...about the Picasso?

Oh, yes, yes, so, well, this friend of mine--

well, she's just a...

so, I--I've learned to do it myself.

I've cleaned almost half the Picasso already.

Thank you, darling.

Mmm! What's more, I'm pretty good at it, too.

All it takes is a steady hand and a little patience.

These professionals who go on so

about the secrets of their trade

and--mm--charge these exorbitant prices, well,

they get no more of my business.

From now on, as far as my own collection is concerned,

I'll clean them myself, restore them if necessary.

I've set myself to clean mine--

oh, darling, I'm boring you. I am sorry.

No, Lionel, darling,

it's just I've had such a long day.

Please forgive me.

I'm having a lovely time.

No, I've got no right going on about my pictures like that.

I sometimes forget how young you are.

Would you care to dance?

No, thank you.

I love being with you, Lionel. You know that.

Oh, Miss Heavy Lids, we're going home.

Uh, Clarence, please...

Friday?

I'd love to.

I'll call for you about 8:00.

Oh, Sunday we're invited to the Mulharrens'.

Janet, we're being thought of as a couple.

Perhaps...

perhaps we should give them something really

to talk about, hmm?

Friday.

8:00.

[Horn honks]

Lionel!

Gladys! What a coincidence.

Isn't it just?

May I give you a ride?

You certainly may.

I'll not only take you home,

I'll give you one for the road at my place.

This really must be my last.

Lionel, you must learn to unbend a little.

Relax. But I'll tell you something.

Your slightly old-fashioned manners,

your formality, your courtesy,

that's what makes you so irresistible.

My first wife always said it was my money.

Oh, Lionel.

What is it I should have noticed that's new?

This.

Now, tell me what you think of my new portrait.

You know the artist, of course.

No.

And you're meant to be such a great collector?

Royden. John Royden.

He's all the rage. Oh, yes.

Everyone's lining up, simply lining up

to get themselves done.

He charges thousands for a commission.

I think he's a genius. Don't you?

Well, uh, that seems to be going a little far.

Take a good look at it, Lionel.

Do you see how beautifully the dress is painted?

Not especially.

Oh, come with me. I want you to look at it carefully.

Well?

Certainly seems to use a lot of paint.

Oh, maybe that's why he charges so much.

Lionel, you're being superior.

I think I'll tell you a secret.

This is probably the best-kept secret

in London-- a woman's secret.

It's known to about-- let me see--

about 30 or 40 women altogether

and not a single man,

except him, of course-- John Royden.

And now I'm going to tell you.

No secrets, please. Thank you, Gladys.

I've got to go home.

Lionel, don't you want to hear my secret?

Sit down and make yourself comfortable.

But first of all, promise-- promise you won't tell a soul.

I promise.

Good. Now, listen.

I suppose you know John Royden paints only women.

No.

Well, you noticed how thick the paint was on the dress.

Oh, yes. Can you guess why?

No.

When I went for my first sitting,

John asked me if I didn't think

that most clothed portraits of women

were artificial and flat,

as if the dress were draped over a log of wood.

And he asked me if I knew why.

Do you know why, Lionel?

No, can't say that I do.

John said it's because the painters themselves

didn't really know what was underneath.

Well, that is certainly an original thing

for a painter to say.

Let me finish.

And he said, "That's why I insist on

painting my subjects first of all in the nude."

And then you walked out of there.

Well, obviously you didn't.

Well, of course I didn't.

First you pose in the nude,

and then you come back,

and he paints on your underclothing.

And when that's dry, he paints on the dress.

He builds it up, you see, layer by layer.

Well, perhaps he once heard of Goya.

Who?

Oh, never mind.

Oh, I must confess I rather enjoyed sitting there

in the middle of his room with nothing on.

It was quite exciting.

Don't you want life to be exciting, Lionel?

Gladys, if you'll forgive me,

what I really want is to go home.

Wouldn't you have liked to have been a painter?

Think what fun they must have.

Of course, it's all a little clinical,

like undressing in front of the doctor.

But there's nothing clinical about you, Lionel.

I'd pose for you whether you were a painter or not.

Well, I'm not.

Let me have my coat, please.

You disappoint me.

I'm terribly sorry.

To think of the trouble I went to.

I waited almost an hour.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

I just meant to say

I've waited all my life to meet someone like you.

Don't you find me just a little bit attractive?

Gladys, I think you are very beautiful.

You have style and a certain character

and, well, all the qualities

that I admire very much,

but really, I'm not part of your scene.

I'm very set in my ways.

Really, I don't belong in this modern world.

I try. I'm seen in the right places.

I've even tried to learn to dance, hopelessly.

I go to Saint Tropez, lie in the sun.

You know, I actually blush

when I have to address a half-naked woman.

I simply don't believe in casual relationships.

Who said anything about casual?

That's very flattering.

If only I'd met you years ago,

before I met George Ponsonby.

I should have known by his name it couldn't last.

Ponsonby. But I thought third time the lucky.

You're very sweet, very sweet, but...

well, at the moment, I'm, uh,

well, more or less engaged elsewhere.

What, to Janet De Pilagia?

Oh, you--you know?

Of course I know.

Everybody knows.

And I also know that nothing's happened.

Ha ha!

Well, how do you happen to know that?

Because I heard Janet say so.

You heard Janet say that?

No, I'm not getting into this, except...

except she does say some rather peculiar things

about you.

What sort of peculiar things?

No. It'd be wrong of me to tell you.

What did she say?

Now, let me see.

Of course, she was only joking,

or I couldn't dream of telling you,

but I suppose she did say how it was

all a wee bit of a bore.

What was? Well...

It's just that I happened to be seated near her

in the hairdresser's the other day,

and someone asked her

if she were free the following evening.

And I heard her say, "No, I can't.

"I'm dining with Lionel Lamson.

"He's lovely, but I can't take all that art talk.

It bores me to tears."

Janet said that?

I may have misheard, but I don't think so,

because then she went on to say--

oh, no, Lionel, I'm not going to say any--

Yes, you are. I insist.

This is awful.

Oh, I shouldn't have had another drink.

You--you won't think badly of me, will you?

I couldn't bear that.

Gladys,

I shall consider your confidence

an act of friendship.

Well, what I actually heard her say was,

"Such a crashing bore, because with Lionel,

"one can always tell exactly what will happen--

"I mean, right from beginning to end.

"For dinner, we always go to the same grill room,

"afterwards, always to the same nightclub,

"and for two hours, I'll have to listen to him

"droning away about pictures, always pictures,

"and then he will have a cigar

"and blow the smoke right in my face,

"and then a taxi home, and then at the front door,

"while I fish for my key,

"he'll stand beside me

with a sort of silly spaniel look in his eyes."

Why, Lionel, wh-- what's the matter, dear?

You've forgotten your co--

You are a bitch, Gladys, dear.

Oh, thank heavens. There you are, sir.

Good morning, sir.

I was quite worried. Your bed was unslept in, sir.

Here's your coffee, sir.

I'll pour it.

Oh, good morning, Wilkins.

Very good, sir.

Thank you.

[Door closes]

I would like to speak to Mr. John Royden, please.

Just say a prospective client is calling.

Oh, I know he only paints women.

That's just the point.

[WILKINS] Mr. Royden, sir.

Oh, show him in, please.

Will you come this way?

Please sit down, Mr. Royden.

John. John.

John, I have an unusual request to make of you--

something of a rather personal nature.

I hope I can trust you to be discreet.

Of course.

I want you to paint a portrait of a certain lady here in town.

I want to possess--besides a Royden for my collection--

a very fine portrait of her,

but there are complications.

For example, there are reasons

why I don't want the lady to know that it is I

who am commissioning the portrait.

Why? Is she married?

Not yet.

It's just that I have my own reasons for not--

I'm a painter, an artist.

I paint pictures.

All this social stuff is rather a waste of time.

Oh, I am sorry.

I was under the impression that you are

what used to be called a society painter.

Look, I paint women.

I have a special feeling for them.

So I believe.

If they interest me, I paint them.

I think we understand each other.

Now, do you happen to know a lady

by the name of Janet De Pilagia?

I've seen her picture in the glossy magazines,

of course.

Of course. You don't know her.

We'll get to that later.

I'd like the portrait full length,

about twice the size of this little Matisse here.

About 60 x 36?

Exactly. And standing.

That, to my mind, is her most graceful attitude.

Look, Mr. Lamson--

Lionel. Of course, Lionel.

I'm a painter. So you say.

And we painters have to make a living.

John.

John, I am willing to pay you 50%

over and above your usual fee.

Yes, I do remember she has a remarkably interesting face.

Oh, she does, she does.

Now, to eliminate the final difficulty--

how to contrive a meeting between you

and the lady in question

without arousing her suspicions.

We must make it look like a coincidence.

I suggest you tell her she's the sort of model

you've been searching for for years--

just the right face, the right figure,

the right-colored eyes,

you know, that sort of thing.

And then ask her

if she'd mind sitting for you,

free of charge, of course.

I feel sure she'd be delighted to help.

[Telephone rings]

Mr. Lamson's residence.

Oh, good morning, Miss De Pilagia.

Uh, no, madam, I'm afraid he's not back yet from Saint Tropez.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, could you hold on a moment, please, madam?

There's someone at the front door.

[Janet speaking indistinctly]

[WILKINS] Ah. Come in, please.

Yes, bring it in here. Do you mind?

Put it up by the table.

Sorry about that, madam.

Well, I think I can now say that Mr. Lamson will be back

very shortly.

Oh, please be careful.

Pardon?

Yes, it has been a long time, madam, almost 3 months.

Yes, I shall look forward to that, madam.

Yes, of course, madam.

I'll tell him that you've telephoned often.

Good day, madam.

I should like to send a cable, please,

to Lamson, Hotel Byblos, Saint Tropez.

Yes, France.

Welcome back, sir.

Thank you, Wilkins.

Ha ha ha! Excellent.

Help me, uh,

help me move this onto the easel.

Oh, very good. Please.

Easy. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Around that.

There have been several messages for you, sir.

Step up.

Yes, sir.

Miss De Pilagia telephoned

several times,

and Mrs. Gladys Ponsonby.

She wanted to know exactly where you were.

I'm sure.

I just said the South of France.

Very tactful of you, Wilkins.

Oh, Wilkins, I'll be working in here

for the next 2 or 3 days.

I want to be left absolutely alone.

I want my meals on a tray and left out there.

Is that understood?

Clearly, sir.

And, Wilkins,

that order is to take effect immediately.

Yes, sir.

Perfectly dreadful.

[Chuckles]

Deceptive.

This is almost embarrassing.

Janet.

Everything all right, sir?

Oh, Wilkins...

Yes, abso--

absolute--

absolutely, Wilkins.

Monday--Monday,

I am giving a party, Wilkins.

Very good, sir.

[Indistinct chatter]

Lionel, we can hardly see to walk.

It's so mysterious.

LIONEL: Now, uh,

now, ladies--

ladies and gentlemen,

now, I promised you a surprise,

and I promise you won't be disappointed.

Are we ready, Wilkins?

Ready, sir.

Now...

now for the magic moment.

[Crowd gasping, murmuring]

[Lionel laughing]

[MAN] You all right, madam?

[Janet groans]

Oh, get me out of here.

Certainly. Come this way.

Get me out of here.

Ohh!

Lionel, you--

you are wicked.

Don't you think it--

it would be rather cozy if--

if I were to stay and, uh, cheer you up?

LIONEL: I think I'm going to be sick.

[Voices talking at once]

Thank you very much.

WILKINS: I'm sorry, sir. I couldn't stop her.

Wilkins, please, it's all right.

Just do as I ask.

WILKINS: Very good, madam.

I forgive you, Lionel.

I just wanted you to know that I forgive you completely

for everything.

I know it was only a joke.

But, darling, you mustn't listen to the things people say.

I love you, Lionel.

I shall always love you till my dying day.

Janet, my darling girl--

I had to tell you.

Open it.

Open it. It's a little peace offering.

What can I say?

I--I don't know how to apologize.

Oh, darling, don't try.

Huh! Caviar!

Sir.

Thank you, Wilkins.

The important thing is, Lionel, darling,

that we're friends again.

Mmm!

Janet, this is delicious.

Just delicious.

Janet.

Janet!

Janet.

Janet.

Captioning made possible by Acorn Media

Captioned by the National Captioning Institute

--www.ncicap.org--