Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

Mind your head.

OK. Thanks.

Bye. Bye.

We probab* won't see each other again, right?

Itts unlikely. Sweet.

MUSIC ON HEADPHONES SWELLS

# O0000h

# Come on

# Ooh, yeah

# Wel* I tried to tell you s0 Yes, I did

# But I guess you didn't know

# As the saddest story goes

# Baby, now I got the flow

# Cos I knew it from the start

# Baby, when you broke my heart

# That I had to come again

# And show you that I 'd win

* You lied to me

# All those times I said that I loved you

* You lied to me

# Even though you knew I 'd die for you

* You lied to me

# Yes, I cried Yes, I cried

* Return of the mack There it is

* Return of the mack Come on

* Return of the mack Oh, my God... #

DOOR CLOSES

MUSIC CONTI NUES THROUGH HEADPHONES

You had sex? Yeah, boy!

W00!

Yes!

Come on!

Ooh!

Do you have the hairbrush? Uh, I have MY hairbrush.

Oh, come on, I'm going to be late for work.

Weren't you supposed to start like an hour ago?

Oh, my God. Did the clocks change?

Yeah. Last month.

Oh, pathetic.

Oh, there it is.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh! Ooh- h00- h00!

Wel* wel* well.

When it rains, it pours. What?

# Oh, Danny boy

# The pipes, the pipes are calling... #

Dan?! No, you cannot see him.

I can't help it if these boys are obsessed with me.

He's hot but he's a bit naff.

Yeah.

What's he saying then? Nothing.

Oi!

He just asked if I was around for a drink this afternoon.

You freak. What did you say?

Said I might be.

Yeah.

Hey! Oh, don't...

GRUNTl NG

" L0* yeah."

Mm- hm. " Keen, keen, keen.

"Where and when? I'm free all day."

It's a casual aftern00n drink.

And if we have sex - I F... Oh, my God.

...we have sex... Oh, my God. ..It means nothing.

Actually come on.

Aftern00n sex is basical* an errand.

Fine. Do what you want.

But use protection.

Mm- hm.

I'm not child - pr00fing this flat.

OK.

Do you really think it's a g00d idea?

It's fine. I don't like him - he's just my friend.

So you're not going to sleep with him, then?

Oh, n0, I definite* wil* yeah.

Right.

Honest*, I can stay until the end of the shift if you can't cover.

No, it's fine, it's fine.

I can handle this lot.

Go. Do your thang, girl.

Oh, I've messed it up.

I shouldn't have drawn his teeth.

I don't like him.

Humphrey Bogart? Yeah.

Oh, right.

You know he's in the film you're about to watch?

He wishes. OK.

Don't you think it's just hard to be friends

with people you've had sex with? Wel* we've had sex. We're friends.

Wel* yes.

But that's... That's like, that, that, that, that...

...that's different. That's like a different vibe, you know?

Plus, it was 0nly one time.

Barely even remember it.

If anything, I've tried to block it out.

Oh, my gosh, I've written "Cavaslanka". Oh...

No, n0, please, please, please, don't... Oh, no, no, no! No, no!

We can't, we can't, we can't... We can't... No, no, no!

I, uh... Itts exact money.

It's s0 tiring. It takes us so long to...

It's such a tiring thing.

Hi ! Oh, my God! Oh!

Hi. That's...

What are you doing? Pretending to read again?

Yes. That's g00d.

Oh, s0 g00d to see you. Hi, you look great.

Thank you.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, it's fine, n0, n0. It's fine, yeah. No, I've just been...

Haven't been here for long, so it's fine. Good! C00l.

So how are you? What's going on?

I'm great. No, yeah, I'm great. just came from work.

Oh, how's the cinema biz?

Great. Yeah? It's b00ming.

You running the place yet? Yes! Final*.

No, they actual* let me use the photocopier now

because I make this, like, month* newsletter.

Very c00l.

Yes! It's, um, it's actual* main* just to tell them

not to download porn on 0ur Wi- Fi.

Really? God!

No, it's all right. That was, that was... That was a joke. Oh!

I mean, that's not a bad idea.

No!

Yeah.

How's...? How's your work? How's the cafe?

Still in the cafe with the dusty cakes in the windows? Yeah, yeah.

Still there.

But it's all chill. I've just been sort of, um, yeah,

mainly focusing on my music, really.

Sorry, what music?

MY music. You know about my music.

Yeah. Sorry... No, sorry when you said...

Yeah. YOUR music.

Yeah. Yes!

I love it. Yeah, I know. Hm. Yeah.

What kind of music is it?

Ooh, at the minute I've been trying to move away from dub

but, like, it's impossible.

Right. Hm. You know me.

Yeah. I know you.

Right, where is it? Uh... Oh, bugger!

Oh, dear. Hang on.

There we are. Aw!

Aw! Look at that.

It's nice.

N ice? Oh, piss off! Thatts fucking romantic, that is.

Side- by-side burial plots. Shets going to lose her mind.

I thought you said she wanted a new watch.

No, that was a trap. See if I tll take the easy route.

Stop distracting me. I tm trying to find you something.

You're the one who started showing me burial plots. SHE HUMS A TUNE

Oh, yeah. Here we are.

Now the script is a piece of shit but the money is 0utrageous.

What's the part?

Todd Emery.

An unlucky- in- love optometrist who falls in love with a blind girl.

Rachel McAdams is already attached.

OK, this might be a crazy idea, but how about we try and find

something for me that's actually g00d?

What? Like a little indie film?

Dunn0. Maybe.

Why? Are you putting on weight? Oh, forget it.

Are you unwell? Let me see... Nothing's wrong with me.

Whatts going on with you? Why are you doing this to me?

So, cut a long story short,

it wasn't their cat s0 I had to give the money back.

But, um, they asked me to stay for dinner, so...

That's my Saturday.

What?

I've missed you.

Ooh, OK.

Dan.

Jessie.

Oh, before THIS happens, I just want to say, I love being friends

and I would love to continue that friendship.

Yeah? Great. Me t00.

So, uh, 0bvious* we can go back to my house, but I, uh...

I just want to warn you there is a weird smell in my room at the moment

but I feel like, if you know the context of a smel*

then it kind of fee* less weird when you smell it... Jessie!

Jessie! Wait, I'm...

Ah! This is awkward.

Uh...

...you know I'm in a relationship, right?

No, you aren't.

Yeah. I am, big time.

Ooh...

Wh0? Wh0's...? Wh0, who?

Claire.

Claire. Claire!

Oh, wow!

Claire from the cafe.

Old Claire. Old Claire with the, um, sh...

...fringe! She's got a fringe.

How do you know she's got a fringe? Oh, you know.

Anyone who follows her on I nstagram knows that she's...

It's been a big transition for her.

Real* big year, so that's kind of...

No, n0, um, I ...

That's s0 c00l cos you and Claire both have fringes.

Why are you being like this?

Like, you literally just said that you just want to be friends.

I ... No, n0, n0. Sorry. No, I ...

And I stand by that. I total* stand by...

I want to be your friend but I just feel like you sort of

getting int0 a proper relationship is sort of a step too far

and, um, quite rude...and u*imate* uncalled for...

Wel* l00k... I mean, we're pretty much 0pen anyway, s0...

Oh! Oh, OK, c00l.

C00* dude.

Nice!

This is not '967. Honest*.

Why are you lashing out at me? I am not lashing out.

The way I'm reacting to this is entire* consistent

with my personality.

Jessie, come on! Oh! Sorry...

My ride is tw0 minutes away.

Erm, give my love to Fringe.

Right, well... It's Claire.

Yeah, whatever.

You do you.

Do you know what I mean? It's like...

I tm telling you, I think itts cancer. I dontt have long.

Cath, you don't have eye cancer.

How do you know? Youtre not a doctor? I tve got all the symptoms.

Look. That's not a... You're just twitching your eye.

That's not a symptom.

Thank you. No worries.

It was delicious, by the way.

Wow, I'm...I'm real* glad.

Thank you.

No worries.

Have a g00d night. Thanks. You t00.

No.

What? You cantt fuck civilians.

Sh...

I should fire you.

Oh, youtre not going to fire me. I Star- Is- Borntd you.

You can't call PEOPLE civilians.

To you, thatts what they are.

These girls know lots more about you than you know about them.

Itts not normal. Oh, God!

All I tm saying is, there is a reason actors date 0ther actors.

Itts just easier.

Wow, you're a true romantic, Cath.

Well, itts easier for everyone.

I mean, ha* the time these p00r people dontt know

what theytre getting into with your lot.

I mean, look at Reese Withersp00nts husband.

What about him?

He died.

No, he didn't. He didntt?

Well, who am I thinking of?

Always a pleasure, Cath.

I dontt mean to scare you.

I tm not being dramatic, but I will say this.

Dating someone like you will most likely ruin a girlts life forever.

Wow! OK.

Or worse - yours.

Or, by extension - mine.

So... Yeah.

Just a few things to think about.

Mm- hm. OK? OK.

I love you. Love you, t00.

I tm going to skedaddle.

Oh, and listen...

...if you think about eating bread, call me and I tll talk you down.

No bread.

Say it.

No bread. Got it?

Fucking hell!

So youtre on a corner?

Youtre on a corner.

WHISPERS: Fuck 0ff.

No, I dontt want to cancel, because then thatts how they get your money.

They do the cancellation fees and... Uh, n0, not you. I mean, like,

the fat cats higher up. You sound lovely. You sound great.

So, I dontt just...

If you come around the, um, block and I tll meet,

I tll meet you on the corner. I tm on the corner,

if that is any help. Itts just...

Yeah, OK, I tll see you then. Gre...

I mean, super excited to meet you, man. I mean...

...this is going to be great. All right, g00dbye.

Jessie?

H uh! Wow, hi.

I just, I saw you through the window. C00l. Yeah. Yes.

It's been a while. Yeah, I tm just waiting for a car, s0, uh...

...thatts why I tm here. Oh, OK.

Yeah, are you following me?

No. Cos obviously I tm not following you cos, you know...

Jess...you were the one that came and said hi from the window.

Oh, God.

H i. Ah.

You forgot your b00k.

Great. Thank you. That's all right.

Dan, this is Tom. Tom, this is Dan.

Hey. Fuck 0ff!

It's... You're that dude from...from what's- it-called?

Mate, I'm such a big fan. Are you? Yeah! Hey, l00k, I know

it's a bit awkward, but can I get a phot0 with you?

My brother's like, he'd freak if, if he knew I was with you.

No, that's, that's c00l. Are you sure?

Jessie.

Oh...

Oh, great. Great, OK.

Ha- ha! Didntt know this one had a camera. This is mad.

How'd you tw0 know each 0ther, then? OK, great.

Well, there we go, because my carts here, actually.

Good to see you, Tom. Good to see you, Dan. Thatts me, s0...

Oh, my God ! Literally insane!

Sorry, sorry, can I get a phot0?

What?! Yeah, of course.

Loved you in the Avengers.

I wasn't in that. Yes, you were. OK.

OK, s0, uh, I've got like ha* a pint left in the pub,

s0 I'm going to bounce, all right? OK.

Oh, actually, l00k, dude, do you want a...little drink?

No, you're g00d, mate. Sure? All right, c00l.

Hey, this was nice, right?

No, it wasntt. Yeah, true.

All right, man, see you later.

Can you take a phot0? Oh.

Then I can take yours... No, n0, n0, it's OK. No, n0, it's fine.

Oh, my God ! OK.

Hey, say hi to your gir*riend for me.

What? You heard. Oh. I don't have a gir*riend. Yes, you do.

Stop ruining my cool moment with the window.

Can we just get a drink?

No.

QUIZ CALLER ANNOUNCES I N BACKGROUND

Wait, so you broke up on your birthday? Yep.

You said that you broke up on New Yearts Eve.

That is my birthday. Oh.

I tm so sorry. Yeah.

So, do you combine parties, or do you...

...you just do another thing on another day?

Are you sorry about me breaking up or about my birthday

being on New Year's Eve? Mainly the birthday th...

Yeah, mainly the birthday thing. Yeah, me t00, actually.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Itts funny cos we... Well, I, um, I nearly made the Daily Mail,

uh, the morning that you, um, well, that we...

Yeah. Shit, I'm s0 sorry. No, n0, itts fine.

It was funny. It was, it was quite funny.

They thought I was the cleaner s0...youtre safe.

I mean, the speed at which they assumed that was...

...was pretty offensive. Wel* that's ridiculous.

I mean, if anything, you left a real mess.

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, um, OK.

Mm- hm.

I didntt even put a towel down - that was a...that was a bold move.

My bed l00ked like a Jackson Pollock painting. Shut up.

I had to burn my sheets. No, you... No, you didntt.

No, I didn't. I put them in the freezer as a keepsake.

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry, I just have to make a quick call, um... Uh...

Hello, Metropolitan police? I need...

Yeah... OK, no, I tll hold.

Wh0 played the titular Father Ted?

Dermot Morgan. Remember, guys, this one is worth five points.

What? The quiz. It is Dermot Morgan.

Oh! You got it right.

I love pub quizzes. I n a healthy way, not in a psych0 way.

Yeah, me too. I love them. I mean, people would say

I tm quite competitive when I do it, but I dontt...

ZSA ZSA GABOR. Way t00 loud.

What was that? I tm sorry. I tm sorry.

Uh, just a reminder that teams need to pay the five quid to

participate in the quiz.

BOTH: Sorry.

Question nine, name three members of the cast

from the '983 film The Outsiders.

C Thomas Howell, patrick Swayze, Ralph Macchi0, Emili0 Estevez,

Tom Cruise, Rob Lowe, Matt Dillon.

How do you know that?

Oh, I, um, I used to be a virgin. HE LAUGHS

OK. That's gross.

Itts gross?

I ... You can't say that. I can say that.

That... Wel* OK. No, no, no. What? OK.

I have a good one. Very good one. OK.

OK, I ... The options are... Give it to me.

...either you can kill a chicken with your bare hands,

or you can live with the chicken for a year.

Live with the chicken?

No, sorry, uh, it has to live inside. Why can't it live 0utside?

Because the chickents paying rent.

Do you...do you want to be that kind of landlord? Ah.

Really? Yeah, OK, then kill him. Oh! Yeah. C00l.

I td do the same.

Um, this is where I live.

Oh. L00ks nice.

It is, yes, it is. Itts very nice.

Itts, um, the ninth of it that is 0urs is pretty cosy.

Right.

So...

...I tll see you later.

Actually, um... Uh- huh.

...probably not. Uh, I'm away for a bit now.

Oh! Oh, cool, yeah. Yeah.

Where you going? Prague. Wow.

You cantt just make up a country, Tom.

Just so you dontt... ttOK, I tm going to Prague. tt

Great. Wel* yeah, I am. Yeah, OK.

Well...thatts good.

Could I use your l00, actually? Yes, totally. Yeah?

No, of course, yes. C00l. Should have said earlier, yeah.

THEY WHISPER

J ust...J ust be very quiet...

SHOUTl NG: Where have you been?! I've been texting you I...

Hey. I'm Kate. Tom.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

Tom. Uh... Tom, Tomts, um, here to use the, uh, the bathr00m.

OK, c00l. Great, yeah.

Uh, love it, it's great up there.

THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE I could show you, if...

Itts... just on the left. ..just on the left, yeah. OK.

DOOR BANGS UPSTAl RS

WHISPERS: What the fuck?! Shut up. What's he doing here?

I thought you were supposed to be with Dan.

Well, I was with Dan and then Tom was there for some reason,

and then Dan is now going out with Claire, and Claire has

a fringe now. And just a lot has happened. Oh, my God!

When it rains, it absolute* pisses itse*.

What the fuck?! We're out of fucking tea.

Will he have whisk y? We have ice cream. What's the vibe?

Thatts the thing, I dontt know what the vibe is because he was like,

tt Do you want to go for a drink?tt We went for a drink, and then

he was like, tt I tll walk a little bit of the way with you,tt

and then hets walked all the way here, and then now hets in here

and hets upstairs at the bathroom and I dontt know what that is...

...as a vibe.

OK, s0 the vibe is that he has made some bul*hit excuse to come over to

our house because he's in love with you and you are going to have sex.

Stop it. Stop it. Shut up. Oh!

You're going to go to the Oscars! Sh. Shut...

MUFFLED RAISED VOICES

RUNNl NG WATER DROWNS MUFFLED SPEECH

MUFFLED VOICES GET LOUDER

Have you seen how hot he is?

Calm down. You don't understand. Youtre going to embarrass me.

Youtre going to embarrass me. This is the best thing ever.

That's why I'm freaking out.

MUFFLED RAISED VOICES CONTI NUE

What are you doing?

You are making this horrible. I'm going to do whatever...

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH You dontt get... Hey.

How did every...? How was everything up there?

You were right - it's a real party in there. Oh, thank you!

I 'd better be 0ff.

Oh, are you sure? Because...

Yeah, no, of course, yeah, yes.

It was lovely to meet you.

It was love* to meet you, Tom.

I tm sorry. She... It was great to see you, pal.

You too, yeah. SHE CHUCKLES

Um, I tll sh... I tll show you out, sorry.

Uh, yeah. I'll just...

I'll see you around. Yeah, totally.

Go0dnight. N ight.

Pal. pal?

Yeah, it's not great.

Fucking pal.